dating

My 25 cents

After Philly Matt and I broke up in 2006, we stayed in touch and enjoyed occasional benefits with each other. We both dated other people, but for over a year, we never discussed that fact. Our break-up was too fresh, and we were still transitioning from exes to friends.

In 2008, our friendship really started to grow and the benefits became secondary. No topic was off-limits between us, although we tried not to be too detailed about other people we dated. When I started this blog, I was pleasantly surprised that he became one of my first regular readers. As I prepared to write the posts about our break-up, I asked him if he was okay if I included everything that happened.Philly Matt: Of course. What you write is honest and what happened. How can I have a problem with that?

In 2009, he passed on my blog link to a co-worker. The next day at work, the co-worker walked in, turned to Philly Matt and said:

You’re an idiot!!!

We both laughed about that and frequently commented about how lucky we were to be such close friends. It can be tough to be good friends with an ex, but we managed to do so. I also let Matt know that I would not care to read intimate details about him and any of his girlfriends (past or present).

Me: I don't mind knowing general details, but I give you credit for reading all the stuff you do about me with other guys.

When I was with “Buckeyes” Boy, I had a hard time figuring out how Philly Matt could join our group at our annual ski trip without causing “Buckeyes” Boy to get jealous or mad. When Matt started dating Tammy, I questioned whether his relationship would impact our friendship. I hadn’t addressed the matter directly with him before I blogged about it. The following day, he called me to say:

I want you in my life until the day I take my last breath. You are a very important person to me and anyone I date will need to know that and be okay with that. If you call me in the middle of the night and need me, she's going to need to understand that I have to go. Staying friends with you is not negotiable.

Philly Matt was my confidante and a great advice giver. I’m not normally one for tough love, but Matt always managed to phrase his constructive criticism in a way that was endearing and resonated with me.

In late November 2010, I learned that Philly Matt and Linda, the mother of his children, had been dating on and off since they met in the early 1990s. The fact that we were exes and close friends and that I hadn’t heard of this before caught me completely off guard. We regularly talked about Linda, Tammy, his ex-girlfriends and his children. Getting involved repeatedly with the mother of your children isn’t trivial information.

If I had felt 100%, I might have addressed the issue immediately. But, the combination of steroids, early menopause and chemotherapy drugs had me feeling emotional, foggy and exhausted. I figured I could bring the matter up when we spoke next and that’s what I did. When the topic turned to Linda and the children, I asked:

Has Linda brought up your relationship with Tammy again?

Philly Matt: No. I told her that she needed to let it be, and I think that’s what she’s doing.

Me: That’s good. [Pause.] You know…I was surprised to hear when we talked last that you and Linda had been on and off for all these years. When we dated, you told me that you guys hadn’t been together since Chloe was a baby. And, we talk so frequently, it’s odd that this never came up.

I paused to let him say something, but he didn’t.

Me: I’m happy for you and Tammy. I’ve never heard you talk about a girl the way you talk about her, and I hope to meet her when I’m done with treatment. But, I’m rooting for you and Linda. If you guys keep coming back to each other year after year for 17 or 18 years, then there has to be something there. [I pause again, but he doesn’t say anything.] And, anytime you’ve brought up Linda’s comments about Tammy and your responses, none of them are: Tammy’s the one. I’m in love with Tammy. This is it for me.

All of your responses are about how Linda had her chance and how she chose to break up with you. That sounds more like you’re upset at Linda than choosing Tammy over her.

Philly Matt: Okay.

I had given Matt my two (or 25) cents and have never brought up the matter with him again. I kept my focus on the fact that I was thankful to call him my friend and looked forward to having him down in DC for my fifth round of chemotherapy in December.

Game changer

My ex-boyfriend, Philly Matt, and I see each other two or three times a year. In a typical month, we’ll text and email several times a week and talk on the telephone every other week. Even though we haven’t dated since 2006 or had sexual relations (using the definition of Former President Clinton) in four years, we’ve grown closer. He’s my sounding board and one of my best friends.

Several readers and friends in real life have asked why Philly Matt and I don’t try dating again. I felt like it wasn’t worth jeopardizing our friendship for the possibility that we might be able to work as a couple. I was thus very surprised when Philly Matt informed me in May 2010 that we weren’t together because I was always in a relationship or getting over someone.

Thanksgiving 2010 found me in casual relationships with Best Boy and Mr. Agency, and Philly Matt in a serious relationship with Tammy from New England. When I talked to Philly Matt on the phone, he relayed to me how upset Linda, the mother of his children, was at how much time he had been spending with Tammy.

Philly Matt: Linda keeps saying that she might not want to be with me, but that she doesn’t want anyone else to be. I told her [Linda] that she had her chance. She can’t be upset that I found someone else.

I started thinking about how odd this exchange was. Why would Linda care if Matt was dating someone since she and Matt haven’t been together in almost a decade? (When I met Philly Matt in 2005, he said that he and his children’s mother hadn’t dated since his youngest child was a baby.) Wouldn’t Linda want Philly Matt to be happy?

Me: A little jealousy is normal, but it doesn’t make sense that Linda would be so upset about this. You said that she’s been making similar comments about you and Tammy since the summer, right?

Philly Matt: Yep.

Me: Have you guys been together recently?

Philly Matt: What do you mean?

Me: Well, that sounds like comments that someone would make if they still had feelings for you. Have you and Linda been together since Chloe was a baby?

Philly Matt: Yeah.

Me: You have?!?

Philly Matt: Yeah. We’ve been together on and off for years.

Me: Really?!? So…when was the last time that you guys were together?

Philly Matt: We were trying to make things work earlier this year. [My jaw drops, and my eyes become as big as saucers. I want to ask why that hasn’t come up in the past five years, but I just let him keep talking.] We tried, and she said that it couldn’t work between us. I wanted it to, but what could I do? So, I moved on.

My mind was scrambling, and I realized that I needed to collect my thoughts about this. Matt and Linda had started dating 17 or 18(!) years ago. I might not have even dated him had I known this back in 2005 since I would never get between a man and the mother of his children. It also crossed my mind that if I was just finding this news out now, did Tammy know?

I figured it best to change the topic and discuss this more in our next call. It wasn’t pressing since Philly Matt's relationship with either Linda or Tammy didn’t affect my relationship with him. But, it was definitely a game changer and reaffirmed in my mind why Matt and I weren't meant to be more than close friends.

Many emotions

I tried to contain my shock, as Mr. Agency walked toward me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. (For all intents and purposes, he had made the most minimal of effort to be there for me over the past four weeks. So, I was totally caught off guard when he showed up to my fundraising party.)

Me [after a long pause]: I’m surprised that you came.

Mr. Agency: I told you that I would be here to support you.

Me: Yeah you said that you would try to make it. I just figured that you’d be too busy with your event. [Long pause.] But, I’m glad you’re here.

I kissed him on the cheek again, and we sat down with T, Autumn and a few other friends to have dinner. The awkwardness between us was palpable. I had almost written Mr. Agency off entirely, but then he showed up at the party and Best Boy didn’t. I was thoroughly confused and not sure what to make of it.

As we ate our meals and talked about football, I began to relax more. I cared about him and was genuinely happy that he came to support me.

Me: I hope that things go well tonight [at the event].

Mr. Agency: Thanks! I’ll come by afterward.

Me [with a surprised tone in my voice]: You will?

Mr. Agency: Yes. It’s your night!

Me: Really?

Mr. Agency: Yes, baby, it's all about you! [We laugh.]

Me: Cool. I'd like that.

I walked to Foggy Bottom with two friends who were bemoaning the lack of dating options in their lives. I laughed and said, half-jokingly:

I’m bald, and I have more men than I know what to do with! Whoever says that cancer kills your sex life needs to come talk to me!

When I arrived home, I went online to see if there was any news about Rod, my friend with stage four colon cancer. I had received two more emails from mutual friends waiting for news and processing their own grief. I got into bed to try to get some rest.

Two hours later, Mr. Agency came over to my place. I poured him a drink, and we went into the bedroom. For all the confusion in our relationship, I never had to worry about whether or not the sex was going to be great. It always was.

I had told Mr. Agency about Rod when we were at Hudson. While we were talking in bed, Mr. Agency asked me how I was doing.

Me: It doesn’t seem fair. We both were supposed to beat this together. We were supposed to celebrate being done with treatment together. He’s such a wonderful guy, and it’s not right that he’s dying so young. His poor family and friends.

Mr. Agency held me close, as I buried my head in his chest and sobbed. I cried so hard that my body shook, and I could barely catch my breath.

There was a lot for Mr. Agency and I to discuss, but for now, I was thankful that he was there and that he showed me that he cared.

We could talk about “us” tomorrow, right?

From FWBs to Roomies?

Time to tackle a reader's question from Formspring:

Question: Can living with a "friend with benefits" work? Relationship is pre-existing, but the possibility of being roomies is new.

Answer: My initial impression is that living with a friend with benefits cannot work, but that might be too simplistic an answer.

What prompted the discussion about moving in together? Since you are asking if a relationship could work with your friend with benefits, then I wonder if you've developed feelings for your friend. Has he or she given you any indication that this could be anything more than the current arrangement?

If you care about this person and want more than a casual relationship, then living together as roommates might be difficult for you. What if he or she is sleeping with you one night and then someone else the next? What if he or she doesn't come home one night? I would hate for you to get hurt and then, to add insult to injury, have to look for another roommate or place to live.

I recommend communicating with your friend with benefits prior to signing a lease. What are your goals with this living situation and what are his or hers? Be as honest as you can in the hopes that he or she will be honest, too. If you both are only interested in being friends and saving money by living together, then maybe this can work. Nonetheless, laying some ground rules might help you make a smooth transition from friends with benefits to roommates. For example:

No sex once you start living together; or

No bringing people of the opposite sex over without giving the other person a heads up first.

(I appreciate that having rules might seem unnecessary since you’re both adults, but communication and a clear plan now will alleviate problems later.)

Typically in a friends with benefits arrangement, one person wants more than something casual. There might be a chance that both of you want to be more than friends with benefits. If that’s the case, then I would recommend trying to date each other before becoming roommates. If you move in with someone you’ve just started dating, it automatically becomes a serious relationship. Give yourselves time to figure out if you can transition from friends with benefits to being a couple before taking such a serious step.

What other advice do you have for this reader?

The Cart Before The Horse

I felt as though Mr. Agency and I were in a good place. I saw him regularly, he treated me well, and I was content. There wasn’t any urgency to define where we were going, especially since we were a new couple and I had just started chemotherapy.

The night after the Gala, I made a comment that I hoped that we could go out for a drink once I was feeling stronger.

Me: Or to an event…or lunch. Something that doesn’t involve us at here at 2am. I’m okay with that most of the time, but not all of the time.

Mr. Agency: We can do that. [Pause.] A lot of my past girlfriends thought that I wouldn’t work as much or would look for another job once I was in a relationship, but that’s not me.

Me: I realize that. I’m just talking about lunch or a drink once in a while.

Mr. Agency: Yeah, I just want to make sure that you understand where I'm coming from. I don’t see settling down or changing my lifestyle anytime soon. I doubt I’ll get married or start a family until I’m much older.

Me: That’s fine.

Mr. Agency: Most girls say that in the beginning, but then they have a problem with it as the months go on. I don’t want you to resent me down the road.

Me: I’m not most girls, and I doubt that I’ll ever resent you. I know how important your work is to you and how you want to take things to the next level professionally. If we're going to continue dating, we have to support each other's goals.

Mr. Agency: Other girls have said that to me before, but then the resentments kick in when they realize that I'm not going to change.

Me: I'm not asking you to change, and I hope that you don't ask me to change. I don’t really care if I ever get married. After I finish treatment, I’m going to focus on building my brand. And then, in 2012, I want to adopt a little girl. I hadn't planned on doing that with a partner.

Mr. Agency: Oh. [Pause.] Okay.

Me: I care about you, and I’m glad we’re together. But, we've only known each other since July. Do we need to figure out our future right now?

Mr. Agency: I guess we don’t.

I had hoped that would be the end of the discussion, but apparently, Mr. Agency had more to say. Two nights later, as we were snuggling on the sofa bed, he kissed me and commented:

I feel like I’m just a filler until you adopt.

Me [with a very confused look on my face]: Are you joking?

Mr. Agency: Nope. [I look at him with very wide eyes.] In every joke, there’s some truth!

Where was this coming from? Had aliens just possessed Mr. Agency’s body?

Me: Seriously. What are you talking about?

Mr. Agency: Well, you said how you wanted to adopt a child and wanted to do that alone. What about us?

Me: What about us?

Mr. Agency: Well, what if I want to take things to the next level? I want to know that you’re all in.

Me: You’re messing with me, right?

Mr. Agency: No. What if I want more?

Me: Like marriage and kids?

Mr. Agency: Yes.

Seriously?!? What had happened in the last 48 hours?

Me: Umm…it’s not like we’ve been dating for that long. Can’t we just enjoy where we’re at now? Why are we talking about what’s going to happen in future?

Mr. Agency: I just need to know that you’re all in.

Me: We're together. We're not dating or sleeping with other people. What more do you need? [Pause.] Do you want me to go on Facebook and say that we're in a relationship? [We laugh.] I'd happily do that, but I know you well enough to know that you won't. You're way too private for that. [Pause.] You said yesterday that you were worried that I would want too much from you since that’s been your experience with other girls. What changed in two days?

Mr. Agency: Well, I was just thinking about what we talked about. What if I want something different?

Me: And you know that this soon?

Mr. Agency: I just want to know that if I do want more, you’re open to that.

Me: I'm not averse to it, but I'm not thinking in the long term right now. I try to plan as much as I can, but things happen as they are meant to. It’s not like I expected to get cancer, but I adjusted my life accordingly. Adopting a child is very important to me, but if we keep dating and we decide that we want the same things, then I'm open to that. Does that make sense to you?

Mr. Agency: Yes.

He smiled and kissed me goodnight. We fell asleep and had sex in the morning before I headed off to New York City. I was still very confused about what Mr. Agency wanted (probably because Mr. Agency was very confused about what he wanted), but I trusted that time would tell if we were on the same page.

More Than Friends With Benefits

After my recent conversation with Mr. Agency, I had some concerns. Would his lack of work/life balance be problematic for us in the long run? And, how much of a priority did he place on follow through? Since I was still getting to know him and liked a lot of the qualities he possessed, I decided to wait and see how (or would that be if?) our relationship progressed.

Given how regularly Mr. Agency made comments about my past dating history and his need to have an emotional connection to reach orgasm, I realized that my friend, T, was right. If I wanted to pursue a relationship with Mr. Agency, I had to stop sleeping with Best Boy. I hoped that wouldn’t be too difficult since we were just friends with benefits anyway.

Best Boy was in Los Angeles the week after Labor Day, when I received the following text:

I had a dream about us last night.

Me: Really?!? What were we doing in the dream?

Best Boy: You were sitting on top on my lap on one of your dining room chairs. I was doing you from behind with a cock ring on.

Me: Sounds hot!

Best Boy: We need to try that when I get back.

Me: Hmm…maybe.

I sext with the best of them so my apathy spoke volumes.

Best Boy: Maybe?

Me: Well, I started seeing someone recently and feel like I should give that a chance since he's more of a relationship guy. Hope you can appreciate that.

We texted back and forth a few more times. Best Boy claimed that he stopped seeing Melanie* because of me, and I responded that was his choice.

Me: I never asked you to do that. We weren’t dating. We’re just friends who’ve been having sex.

Best Boy picked up the telephone and called me. When I saw his name come in on my Caller ID, I noted my surprise to Autumn, who was sitting next to me on the couch.

Best Boy: I’m fine if you don’t want to sleep with me anymore, but I don’t sit on the bench for anyone.

Me: What does that mean?

Best Boy: If you stop sleeping with me now, don’t expect to call me up when you’re no longer in a relationship and start sleeping with me again. If you take me out of the line-up, that’s it.

Me: Seriously? So, a year from now, if we’re both single and want to have sex with each other, you’re not going to fuck me because of spite?

Best Boy: Correct. I don’t play second string.

Me: Umm…okay. [I look at Autumn with a confused expression on my face.] Does that mean that we can still be friends?

Best Boy: Of course we can still be friends.

Me: Well, that’s good. I don’t want that to change. And, I didn’t want to upset you. I just wasn’t expecting things to go in this direction with the new guy.

Best Boy and I talked for another 10 minutes, and I sensed how hurt he was.

When I hung up the phone, I turned to Autumn and said:

Did I just have a break-up conversation with Best Boy? [She nods her head.] How could we break up if we were never going out? I guess he liked me liked me. [She nods her head again.]

I hadn’t had a friends with benefits relationship in a while because those arrangements never seem to work. One person always ends up having feelings for the other, and in this scenario, it caught me off guard that Best Boy had developed feelings for me. How could we have amounted to anything more, given his relationship with Mr. Exec?

I felt bad that Best Boy had viewed our relationship differently than I did, but it was time to try something new…with Mr. Agency.

* I gave Best Boy's girl the nickname of "Melanie." In retrospect, that might have been confusing since my web designer's real name is Melanie. They are not one in the same.

Communication Is Key

Mr. Agency had indicated that he would come over to my place after his events. So, when I received a text at 2am in which he wrote that he had gone home and would see me soon, I was irritated. I texted back:

Seriously?!? I wish that you had let me know this earlier in the night so I could have made other plans.

Mr. Agency rightfully decided that this was not an appropriate conversation to have over text and picked up the telephone to call me. We exchanged salutations, and then discussed what had happened.

Mr. Agency: I figured that you were already sleeping since it was so late.

Me: I didn't really fall asleep since we had plans and I didn't want to miss your call.

Mr. Agency: I didn't realize that. [Pause.] I didn't expect you to be so upset.

Me: I’m not upset. I’m disappointed. You had told me earlier in the day that you were coming over. It was great to see you at Teatro, and when you left, you still said that you were going to come over later. If that had changed, you should have let me know earlier in the night.

Mr. Agency: And then you’re all like: I would have made other plans!

Me: I didn’t mean other plans with a guy. I meant that I might have joined T for a drink at Park. Or, I would’ve come home and not waited up for you. [Pause.] I guess I could have phrased my text better.

Mr. Agency: This is why I don’t normally get into relationships with people.

Me: Because you have to communicate with them?

Mr. Agency: Because my schedule is so crazy that I can’t really date anyone. I had been thinking about how awesome you were and how we never had a problem, and then this happens.

Me: Umm…we’re both human so if we’re going to keep dating each other, you’ll have to realize that we’re going to disagree or get in tiffs about things. But, if we communicate with each other, we’ll be fine. I don’t mind that we can’t go out often, and I’ve told you that I can deal with your schedule. But, if you say you’re going to do something, I expect you to do so. That’s not a lot to ask.

Mr. Agency: That’s why I never make plans.

Me: Really? Even with your friends?

Mr. Agency: Yeah. They understand that 99% of the time I’m too busy to do anything.

Me: That’s interesting, but it’s a little different with us. We’re sleeping together. And, we’re not talking about you going out, but about you coming over after you’re done with work. I’m cool with your schedule, but you need to work with me here.

Our conversation lasted 45 minutes, but it was rather repetitive in nature. I kept stressing that he needed to communicate with me, and he continued to highlight how crazy his schedule was and how most people don’t understand his lifestyle.

Me: I understand it, but you need to decide if you’re going to make an effort to come over here when you’re done with work or not. I don’t care if you come over late, but if you’re not sleeping at my place, we’re not going to see a lot of each other and things definitely won’t work.

Mr. Agency: Okay. [Pause.] So, do you want to sleep or should I come over?

Me: I’m definitely awake now, and I’d like you to come over.

Fifteen minutes later, Mr. Agency arrived at my front door. He smiled when he saw that the sofa bed was made up for him.

Me: See! I had things all ready for you. I want to make sure you get your sleep when you’re here.

Mr. Agency: You’re awesome.

Me: So…we’re cool?

Mr. Agency: Yes.

He kissed me, and we walked into the bedroom. When we woke the following morning, we talked some more about everything. His schedule was definitely different, but I didn’t view that as a problem, as long as he communicated with me. I wasn’t sure what the future would hold for us, but I liked him enough to see.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, there was a Little City Girl. Her parents raised her with love, support and opportunities. They let her know that she could be anything that she wanted to be when she was older.

At 14, Little City Girl told her father that she wanted to go to Wellesley College and become a lawyer.

“Why do you want to be a lawyer?” he inquired.

“Because I like to write, debate and help people,” Little City Girl replied.

When she went to Wellesley several years later, the professors also impressed upon her and her classmates that they could be and do anything.

A college internship brought City Girl to Washington, DC, in 1993, and she fell in love with the nation’s capital. After her internship ended, she stayed in DC and got a job as a legal assistant. She went on to law school, and when she finally started to work as an attorney, she was thankful that an instinct that she had 12 years prior was the right one.

In her first job, she noticed that wearing a short skirt or a fitted sweater to work prompted inappropriate comments from her bosses. With each subsequent position, she sported more pants suits and felt more comfortable informing male colleagues that their behavior was unacceptable.

She also learned that although her dating stories were entertaining, she had to be selective about what she shared with co-workers. One partner only knew that she was dating an NFL player – without any specifics – and thought it funny to walk into a meeting after a football game, saying:

Your boyfriend can’t handle his balls.

In theory, she could do anything professionally that she wanted. But, unfortunately, that didn’t mean that her age, gender, appearance or sexuality wouldn’t be topics of conversation or affect other people’s perceptions of her around the office.

When City Girl left firm life for a nonprofit, she began doing some legal policy work. She always relied on facts and the law, rather than emotions, when speaking about a polarizing issue, but that didn’t stop a few very conservative people from sending her office hate mail. Her former boss approached her about doing policy work exclusively. She was flattered, but she worried that she would miss working directly with the clients if she chose that path.

In 2008, she decided to take a sabbatical from the law to focus on health issues and finish her master’s program. As she prepared to write her thesis, she thought it would be fun to start blogging about her dating adventures. She chose to blog anonymously so that if she reentered the policy arena, her sexuality wouldn’t be used against her. (If she had received several pieces of hate mail and comments about her appearance or significant others without provocation, she knew that her sex life and dating mishaps would become ammunition for those who disagreed with her politics.)

As her blog readership grew, she began attending events as City Girl. Quite a few people in DC knew both her real name and blog link, but they kindly respected her privacy. Local online publications were also understanding, taking her picture with her name or quoting her as City Girl without using her name or face. She managed with the help of others to remain anonymous from the legal policy world.

In 2010, City Girl wondered if it was worth taking another year away from the law to see where her blog could go and start teaching sexual health workshops. She joined the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and attended their annual conference. She also found a platform, as she wrote about the use of toxic ingredients in sex toys and the need for self-regulation. Lotus Blooms and Fascinations at Fun Love approached her about writing for their sites and reviewing body-friendly products for them. She began to ponder how she could advocate for safe sex toys on a larger scale.

When she was diagnosed with breast cancer in June of 2010, she decided to use her experience to try to raise awareness and help others. Her friends and doctors knew that she was willing to talk about what she was going through, and opportunities to do just that followed. The more that she talked about her experience and let others in, the more she wanted to continue to do so.

She finished chemotherapy and realized that she is stronger than she thought that she was. She also realized that there’s much more for her to do as an advocate and that it’s time to come out from behind her laptop. If she can help one more person through her blog, her photographs or her interviews, it’s worth it. She accepts that she may never work again in the legal policy arena, although she wishes that there wasn’t a double standard with respect to female sexuality in the workplace.

Once upon a time, there was a City Girl with long, red hair named Stef Woods.

Photo Credit: Kristina Hopper Photography

She’s bald now, but she still feels sexy.

Photo Credit: Moshe Zusman Photography

Although she’s not exactly sure what will happen next, she trusts that she will live happily ever after.

Why Do People Ask Me For Advice?

On to another question from Formspring:

Question: The one thing I’m most confused about is why all of these people write to you for relationship advice, yet you don’t seem to have been a part of many healthy, functioning relationships. I question why you continually bounce from one man to the next. Is it an attention thing? A lack of confidence? Who knows? Best of luck finding what you seem to be searching for.

Answer: I would say I have what I’m searching for in the dating arena. I enjoy my life and am open to whatever love and life have in store. (I would have never imagined that I would leave one career I loved to embark on another exciting professional adventure. And, on the relationship front, I am one of those women who actually likes dating and getting to know other people. I'm not a fan of boring relationships either and seek passion and excitement from guys. Right now, I have a great companion to fulfill that role, which is just what I’m interested in at this point in my life.)

I don't believe that I'm seeking attention, although I admit that as a blogger, I'm seeking an audience and people interested in my stories. I can write that I don't lack for confidence personally or professionally, but that's a question better fielded by people who know me in real life.

I don't view bouncing from one guy to another, as you put it, as a bad thing. I have a fun dating life, and I've learned a lot about myself and relationships from every ex-boyfriend. I’ve been very clear about my goal to adopt as a single mother. I’m not looking for the traditional dating scenario that leads to marriage and children in that order. That might not be something that the average person can identify with, but I hope that my readers will support my choices as I support theirs.

I learned to be accepting of other women and their choices from my mom. Many of mom's friends would call her for personal and professional advice. Mom taught me to prioritize my friendships with females, always be there for the people in your life, and be a good listener and a sounding board.

Friends started coming to me in college for relationship and sex advice. (I also went to a women's college so there weren't many topics about which we didn't discuss ad nauseam.) Now, thanks to my blog, I have a larger audience. I’m the first to admit that I don’t always heed my own advice, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t recognize the same red flags in my dates that my readers do. I also try to look for the best in people. Maybe that makes me naïve or causes me to stay too long in relationships, but that is how I was raised and is not something that I’m likely to change.

I have been told that I give good advice and that my suggestions have helped friends and readers. I think that people also feel like they can be honest about their flaws/problems/weaknesses/concerns because I’m so honest about mine. I don’t claim to have all the answers, and I'm the first to admit that I haven't made the best decisions when it comes to the men I date. But, I do care and will do my best to talk and brainstorm with friends and readers to resolve a problem. (I just did so this morning, in fact.)

When I give advice, I hope to be viewed as a credible source who has done her research on the topic at hand. I'm the In-House Passionista and Reviewer for Lotus Blooms (@DaschaBoutique on Twitter), and I've written freelance articles for Fascinations at Fun Love.

In addition, I’m a Supporting Member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). In June, I attended AASECT’s annual conference and completed an intensive two-day class in Sexual Attitude Readjustment Training. After I’m finished with chemotherapy and radiation, I plan to teach workshops on sex techniques, purchasing body-friendly toys, and spicing up your relationships. I will apply for certification as a Sex Educator through AASECT and expect that continuing adult sex education will be a part of my life for years to come.

The beauty about my blog is that a person doesn’t need to read my posts if he or she doesn’t want to do so. Likewise, it’s optional for people to email me with questions or seek advice from me on Formspring. As my friends and readers know, if and when they need me, I'm here.

What are your thoughts about the reader's questions? For those of you friends and readers who have come to me seeking advice, why have you done so? xoxo

A night to remember

Was I being punked?

While in the cab en route to meet Best Boy at Ceiba, he called to inform me that his best friend and the guy that I had dated for a month, Mr. Exec, was at the bar…at Ceiba!

What are the odds of that? Who else does this kind of stuff happen to?

I exhaled and ran through the pros and cons to myself before telling Best Boy:

That’s not a problem for me. Is it a problem for you?

[I restrained myself from asking if Best Boy and Mr. Exec had planned this. I also held back from letting Best Boy know that I didn’t exactly care to be at a bar with the two of them. I didn’t want to sound like I had any unresolved feelings for Mr. Exec when I didn’t.]

Me: Should I still have the cab drop me off at Ceiba?

[We had vacillated between meeting at Oya or Ceiba. I figured that he would suggest we now meet at Oya instead. But, he surprisingly didn’t.]

Best Boy: Yes, if you’re fine being around Mr. Exec…

Me: Of course I am.

[What I really wanted to say: Are you fucking kidding me? This is going to be really awkward! When last Mr. Exec and I talked, I told him off for not being there for me after my concussion.]

Best Boy: Good. I’m just looking to relax and have some drinks without any drama.

Me: That works for me. And, there shouldn’t be any drama.

As I hung up the telephone, I realized that there would only be drama if I brought it to the table — or the bar, as the case might be. And, I didn’t need to do that. Mr. Exec and I were never serious. We had our problems, but I had never shed a tear over him and had said my piece. I was bound to run into Mr. Exec around DC again sooner or later since my world and this city are smaller than small. And, if Best Boy and I hit it off, I didn’t want us to have to sneak around Mr. Exec’s back. Why did this have to be a big deal then?

I walked through Ceiba’s glass doors, noticing Mr. Exec and his friend, Melinda, at the bar. I had met Melinda when Mr. Exec brought her to my Blog Party, and she’s a total sweetheart. I exhaled and felt a bit better. I reminded myself that I could do this without being affected. After heading to the bathroom to try to dry off from the effects of the downpour, I went over to the bar.

Me: Hi! Great to see you both! How are you?

Mr. Exec smiled, although his eyes conveyed a sense of surprise at seeing me. We exchanged pleasantries, and Mr. Exec moved to the chair to his left. I had expected him to let Melinda sit in the middle, but he didn’t, kindly pulling out the chair between him and Melinda for me. I thanked him and commented:

So…I guess Best Boy should be joining us soon, too.

Mr. Exec: I just talked to him and he’s on his way.

Me: I know. He asked me to meet him here for drinks.

Mr. Exec: Oh! [Pause.] He invited you here?

Me: Yeah. Just to grab a drink. Small town, huh? [We laugh with just a touch of discomfort.]

I sat down and for the next 30 minutes, Mr. Exec, Melinda and I had a really nice conversation. There wasn’t any awkwardness, and there was a lot of laughter. I was reminded of how easy it had been to talk to Mr. Exec on our first date.

As I turned my head to face Mr. Exec, I couldn’t help but be drawn in to his blue-green eyes. His personality was magnetic, but I didn’t look at him in the same way that I had when we were dating a mere six weeks ago. I looked at him in a new light now, and I wondered if it would be possible for us to be friends.

I also wondered how the evening would change when Best Boy arrived. I guess I would find that out soon enough.

To be continued…