The Cart Before The Horse

I felt as though Mr. Agency and I were in a good place.  I saw him regularly, he treated me well, and I was content.  There wasn’t any urgency to define where we were going, especially since we were a new couple and I had just started chemotherapy

The night after the Gala, I made a comment that I hoped that we could go out for a drink once I was feeling stronger.

Me: Or to an event…or lunch.  Something that doesn’t involve us at here at 2am.  I’m okay with that most of the time, but not all of the time.

Mr. Agency: We can do that.  [Pause.]  A lot of my past girlfriends thought that I wouldn’t work as much or would look for another job once I was in a relationship, but that’s not me.

Me: I realize that.  I’m just talking about lunch or a drink once in a while.

Mr. Agency: Yeah, I just want to make sure that you understand where I'm coming from.  I don’t see settling down or changing my lifestyle anytime soon.  I doubt I’ll get married or start a family until I’m much older.

Me: That’s fine.

Mr. Agency: Most girls say that in the beginning, but then they have a problem with it as the months go on.  I don’t want you to resent me down the road.

Me: I’m not most girls, and I doubt that I’ll ever resent you.  I know how important your work is to you and how you want to take things to the next level professionally.  If we're going to continue dating, we have to support each other's goals. 

Mr. Agency: Other girls have said that to me before, but then the resentments kick in when they realize that I'm not going to change.

Me: I'm not asking you to change, and I hope that you don't ask me to change.  I don’t really care if I ever get married.  After I finish treatment, I’m going to focus on building my brand.  And then, in 2012, I want to adopt a little girl.  I hadn't planned on doing that with a partner.

Mr. Agency: Oh.  [Pause.]  Okay.

Me: I care about you, and I’m glad we’re together.  But, we've only known each other since July.  Do we need to figure out our future right now?

Mr. Agency: I guess we don’t.

I had hoped that would be the end of the discussion, but apparently, Mr. Agency had more to say.  Two nights later, as we were snuggling on the sofa bed, he kissed me and commented:

I feel like I’m just a filler until you adopt.

Me [with a very confused look on my face]: Are you joking?

Mr. Agency: Nope.  [I look at him with very wide eyes.]  In every joke, there’s some truth!

Where was this coming from?  Had aliens just possessed Mr. Agency’s body?

Me: Seriously.  What are you talking about?

Mr. Agency: Well, you said how you wanted to adopt a child and wanted to do that alone.  What about us?

Me: What about us?

Mr. Agency: Well, what if I want to take things to the next level?  I want to know that you’re all in.

Me: You’re messing with me, right?

Mr. Agency: No.  What if I want more?

Me: Like marriage and kids?

Mr. Agency: Yes.

Seriously?!?  What had happened in the last 48 hours?

Me: Umm…it’s not like we’ve been dating for that long.  Can’t we just enjoy where we’re at now?  Why are we talking about what’s going to happen in future?

Mr. Agency: I just need to know that you’re all in.

Me: We're together.  We're not dating or sleeping with other people.  What more do you need?  [Pause.]  Do you want me to go on Facebook and say that we're in a relationship?  [We laugh.]  I'd happily do that, but I know you well enough to know that you won't.  You're way too private for that.  [Pause.]  You said yesterday that you were worried that I would want too much from you since that’s been your experience with other girls.  What changed in two days?

Mr. Agency: Well, I was just thinking about what we talked about.  What if I want something different?

Me: And you know that this soon?

Mr. Agency: I just want to know that if I do want more, you’re open to that.

Me: I'm not averse to it, but I'm not thinking in the long term right now.  I try to plan as much as I can, but things happen as they are meant to.  It’s not like I expected to get cancer, but I adjusted my life accordingly.  Adopting a child is very important to me, but if we keep dating and we decide that we want the same things, then I'm open to that.  Does that make sense to you?

Mr. Agency: Yes.

He smiled and kissed me goodnight.  We fell asleep and had sex in the morning before I headed off to New York City.  I was still very confused about what Mr. Agency wanted (probably because Mr. Agency was very confused about what he wanted), but I trusted that time would tell if we were on the same page.

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