Many emotions

I tried to contain my shock, as Mr. Agency walked toward me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. (For all intents and purposes, he had made the most minimal of effort to be there for me over the past four weeks. So, I was totally caught off guard when he showed up to my fundraising party.)

Me [after a long pause]: I’m surprised that you came.

Mr. Agency: I told you that I would be here to support you.

Me: Yeah you said that you would try to make it. I just figured that you’d be too busy with your event. [Long pause.] But, I’m glad you’re here.

I kissed him on the cheek again, and we sat down with T, Autumn and a few other friends to have dinner. The awkwardness between us was palpable. I had almost written Mr. Agency off entirely, but then he showed up at the party and Best Boy didn’t. I was thoroughly confused and not sure what to make of it.

As we ate our meals and talked about football, I began to relax more. I cared about him and was genuinely happy that he came to support me.

Me: I hope that things go well tonight [at the event].

Mr. Agency: Thanks! I’ll come by afterward.

Me [with a surprised tone in my voice]: You will?

Mr. Agency: Yes. It’s your night!

Me: Really?

Mr. Agency: Yes, baby, it's all about you!  [We laugh.]

Me: Cool. I'd like that.

I walked to Foggy Bottom with two friends who were bemoaning the lack of dating options in their lives. I laughed and said, half-jokingly:

I’m bald, and I have more men than I know what to do with! Whoever says that cancer kills your sex life needs to come talk to me!

When I arrived home, I went online to see if there was any news about Rod, my friend with stage four colon cancer. I had received two more emails from mutual friends waiting for news and processing their own grief. I got into bed to try to get some rest.

Two hours later, Mr. Agency came over to my place. I poured him a drink, and we went into the bedroom. For all the confusion in our relationship, I never had to worry about whether or not the sex was going to be great. It always was.

I had told Mr. Agency about Rod when we were at Hudson. While we were talking in bed, Mr. Agency asked me how I was doing.

Me: It doesn’t seem fair. We both were supposed to beat this together. We were supposed to celebrate being done with treatment together. He’s such a wonderful guy, and it’s not right that he’s dying so young. His poor family and friends.

Mr. Agency held me close, as I buried my head in his chest and sobbed. I cried so hard that my body shook, and I could barely catch my breath.

There was a lot for Mr. Agency and I to discuss, but for now, I was thankful that he was there and that he showed me that he cared.

We could talk about “us” tomorrow, right?

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