sex

And a miss!

Improv Boy had just informed me that he didn’t want to come upstairs with me because he didn’t think we had a future together. I stood outside my building with a confused expression on my face. I kept waiting for the punch line.

Me: Did I miss something?

Improv Boy: Well, I really support your decision to adopt, but I don’t want to be a father again.

Me: Ooookay. Where is this coming from? [I had told him about my plans to adopt two weeks ago.]

Improv Boy: I’m the type of person who just has to let you know what I’m feeling.

Me: Is this a joke?

Improv Boy: No. I also don’t know that we have the best chemistry.

Me: I won’t disagree, but I was of the mindset to let things evolve naturally. [Pause.] Wait a minute, if you thought all these things, why did you rush into getting tested [for HIV/STDs]? And, why did you cancel your date with that other girl on Wednesday?

Improv Boy: Well, you know I’m a relationship guy so I like to focus on the girl that I’m dating. And, it was easy enough for me to get tested.

Me: Umm…k. You were the one who made a big deal about getting tested now, though, despite the fact that I wanted to wait to get to know each other better. If you felt this way, why didn’t you just tell me this earlier? We didn’t need to go to the game together. [Pause.] I introduced you to my friends tonight! This is embarrassing!

Improv Boy: This isn’t about them. No one needs to know anything. Oh, except you’ll blog about everything.

Me: I just wish you had told me sooner.

Improv Boy: When would you have rather I told you?

Me: Before you decided to buy tickets…when you came over for lunch today…at the game…

Improv Boy [interrupting]: You would have rather I told you at the game?

Me: Yeah, I would have. I would have just hung out with my friends then. [I neglect to mention that two other guys had texted me during the game.]

Improv Boy: You wouldn’t have liked that. That would have made it more embarrassing for you, I’m sure. Besides, I didn’t realize until we were heading home.

Me: In the cab? This makes no sense!

Improv Boy: I’m being honest with you and asking you to respect my feelings. I had hoped that you would be able to do that.

Throughout our conversation, several neighbors walked past us, saying hello and stopping so that I could pet their dogs.

Me: Can we just talk about this upstairs?

Improv Boy: I don’t feel comfortable going upstairs with you.

Me: Are you kidding me? [This came from a guy who stayed over my place after our first date.]

Improv Boy: No. I can’t fake my feelings and it wouldn’t be right.

Me: Even just to talk? Not have sex.

Improv Boy: No.

Me: So, we’re just going to keep doing this outside my building as my neighbors keep walking by?

Improv Boy: Yes. No one is paying attention.

Me: It’s definitely distracting, though. I still don’t understand how you won’t even come upstairs. I wish you had told me this at a different time.

Improv Boy: I’m asking you to respect me and what I’m saying.

Me: I respect what you’re saying. I just don’t respect when you decided to say it. It just doesn’t make sense.

Improv Boy: When would you have rather I told you?

Me: Either before we went to the game or tomorrow morning.

Improv Boy: You would have rather I told you after spending the night at your place? I don’t believe that!

Me: Yes, I would’ve. I’m like a guy in that regard. We had a plan, and I would’ve preferred if you had followed through with the plan.

Improv Boy: I’m not like that. I could never be disrespectful like that.

Me: But, you’re disrespectful enough to break up with me in front of my building as my neighbors keep walking by?

The conversation continued like that for another five minutes. The more he talked, the more confused I was. I wasn’t sad as much as I was shocked. When it was clear that nothing was to be gained from talking more, we parted ways.

That didn’t mean that the story was over, though. Whose blog did you think you were reading ;)? xoxo

Feeling safe

Improv Boy and I never talked about whether we were a couple, but we definitely interacted as though we were in a relationship. The dynamic between us felt good and easy so I just tried to roll with it. Whatever was meant to be would be anyway, right?

During one conversation, I told Improv Boy that I had been meditating, when I decided to contact him out of the blue. (He had emailed me regularly back in March, but I wasn’t interested in him so I stopped replying.) I then learned that Improv Boy had thought that I was incredibly rude for not responding to his initial email.

Improv Boy: Girls don’t appreciate how tough it is for us guys. It takes a lot of courage to ask a girl out. And, I did that, and you didn’t even write back. That’s why I wrote the second email, saying that it would be terribly rude of me to have mistakenly sent an email to the wrong person. [He pulls up the email that he had sent me on his iPhone.]

Me: I don’t get it.

Improv Boy: That was my way of saying that YOU were rude.

Me: Oh, really? [I view that behavior as passive-aggressive, but I also respect from where he was coming. I hadn’t been responsive to his emails.]

Improv Boy: When you emailed me after a month about meeting up at Clyde’s, I called Jen [an ex-girlfriend with whom he’s still close friends] to ask if she thought I should go. I didn’t know if I should give you a chance since you had acted so rudely toward me at first. And, I didn’t want to be at a bar with all of your lawyer friends. [I laughed out loud since very few of my close friends are attorneys, which he now knows.] But, Jen convinced me that if I felt enough of a connection to ask you out in the first place, I should meet you for a drink.

Me [kissing him]: Well, I’m glad that you did. [We kiss again.] Really glad.

We smiled and giggled to each other about how everything had transpired. Improv Boy also informed me that he had plans to go out with another girl that week, but that he had canceled the date because of me. That made me smile since I had done the same exact thing with Mr. Attorney.

Improv Boy: I’m traditional, and I prefer to date just one person at a time.

Me: Yeah, me too.

[Now, in the past, that wouldn’t have been the case. But, I was in a much different place now.]

The following day, Improv Boy texted me from the doctor’s office to let me know that he was getting tested for HIV/STDs. He also wrote me the following:

My doctor told me I’m not allowed to date lawyers. He married one. He said I should run!

Normally, the commitment-phobe in me would have been concerned that he talked about me with his doctor and used the word, “marriage,” even in jest. But, I decided not to read too much into any of that and just wrote, “lol,” in response. We were dating. He had a good heart. That’s all that mattered.

The following day, we had planned to go to see a Washington Nationals game with friends. The weather was perfect for a baseball game, as is often the case in DC in May. Improv Boy had bought our tickets in advance and offered to drop mine off since we would be arriving at the game separately.

Me: I don’t mind waiting in front of the stadium for you.

Improv Boy: Why should you have to wait, though? I’m happy to drop your ticket off at your place so you can just go the seats when you arrive.

I smiled, thinking how nice it was to be dating such a caring guy. When he arrived at my place, we began to make out in the foyer…then the living room…and then the kitchen. (That was definitely becoming a pattern for us.) I was packing him up the rest of the Chicken Parmigiana for lunch, when he said:

If the game is too much for you [given that I have Post-Concussion Syndrome], just say the word and we can leave.

Me [smiling again at his kindness]: I should be fine.

Improv Boy: I hope you are, but if you’re not, we can leave at any time and just come home and have sex.

I paused before responding since he knew that I wanted to wait a few more weeks before adding sex into the mix.

Me: Well, it’s not the 29th yet.

Improv Boy [smiling like a giddy school boy]: But I got tested yesterday!

Me: It’s not like you have the results yet, though…

Improv Boy [interrupting me]: But, I will on Monday!

Me: We can talk about it then. See you tonight and thanks for the tickets.

I decided to let the sex issue go for a few days and just focus on this evening. I had a feeling that it was going to be a great night!

The LayaSpot

Lotus Blooms' customers request that the boutique carry Fun Factory's LAYAspot more than any other massage toy! The toy was also featured on Oprah as a "must have" product in the Beginner's Guide to Erotica. Many online sources swear by the Laya Spot, but does the toy meet with my approval?

What's good about the Laya Spot?

It's a Fun Factory product! As I mentioned in my review of the fabulous Smart Balls Teneo Duo, Fun Factory is a German sex toy company known for its aesthetically pleasing and top performing products! If you purchase a Fun Factory toy, you can take comfort in the fact that the item is high quality, and free of toxic ingredients and allergens.

The Laya Spot is waterproof. You can bring this toy into the shower, bath or hot tub for added versatility. The product has seven different speeds and three different pulsations.

Press and hold the positive sign (+) in the middle of the toy to turn it on and increase as desired. After the seventh press of the positive sign, you can continue to press it to change from constant vibrations to varying, pulsating rhythms. To decrease the intensity or return to constant vibrations, press the negative sign (-). The toy takes only two (2) AAA batteries, and yet, it feels powerful in your hand.

The Laya Spot is made of silky smooth elastomer. It's soft to the touch and compatible with any kind of lubricant.

What didn't I like about the Laya Spot?

The shape. Fun Factory claims that the design is ergonomically friendly. I found it awkward and uncomfortable. The tip of the Laya Spot is bulbous and doesn't maximize sensations. I tried the toy on two separate occasions. It was difficult to hold if I was on my stomach — so much so that the bottom of the Laya Spot kept detaching, thereby turning the toy off. On my back, the product didn't rest on comfortably. No matter how I positioned the toy, it wasn't pleasurable for more than a few minutes.
Its limitations. The Laya Spot is for external, clitoral use only. It's not meant for vaginal or anal use. There are toys that aren't designed for internal use, but still can be used with caution inside your pussy or anus. The Laya just isn't one of them. If your man enjoys light vibrations on his balls or perineum during oral sex or a hand job, then you can try using the Laya Spot in that capacity. Beyond that, though, you and your partner are out of luck.
Bad vibrations. In my hand, the toy felt powerful. But, in practice, I remembered that the toy only holds two AAA batteries. The product did not deliver – even on its highest vibrations. (One reviewer claimed that the Laya Spot has 2/3 of the power of the Hitachi Magic Wand. I'm rolling my eyes at that statement!) Try though I did, it was impossible for me to enjoy the Laya Spot.

Who might enjoy the Laya Spot?

A first-time toy user;
A woman post-childbirth or illness;
A couple bringing a toy into the bedroom for the first time; or
A person who only uses sex toys in the water.

The Laya Spot retails for $65.90. I just can't justify recommending that you spend that much for this product. There are other smaller massage toys that are more economical and versatile. There are also stellar products that can satisfy newbies, couples, long-time toy users and women with vaginal pain issues.

Personally, I'd give the Laya Spot One Squeal. If you're a sex toy beginner or water lover, then I'll go up to Two Squeals. But, imagine those squeals as very wimpy.

Buh baya, Laya! xoxo

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received the Laya Spot free of charge in exchange for my honest review of the product.

City Girl's Squeals of Approval Chart:

1 Squeal: Bad. This toy is not worth your money. Do not pass go! Do not pay $2, let alone $200.
2 Squeals: Slightly Sub-Par. You won't hate this toy, but you won't necessarily like it either.
3 Squeals: Average/Good. This toy might not be the most innovative or satisfying, but it serves its purpose.
4 Squeals: Very good. A strong sex toy with minimal negatives that will be part of your regular line-up.
5 Squeals: Great. No toy does it better!

Giving things a chance

I had just realized that I had been mistakenly texting my high school boyfriend, Boston Christian, all afternoon, instead of the guy that I was currently dating, Improv Boy. Boston Christian had played along in a manner that was mostly funny, a tad embarrassing and rather surprising given the fact that he was married. I also didn’t know what to say to Improv Boy about the day’s events, as he was standing in front of me.

As my cheeks reddened, I laughed out loud numerous times. When I explained the story to Improv Boy, he chuckled uncomfortably. Throughout the evening, I wanted to bring up how humorous I found the situation, but I didn’t. It was clear to me that Improv Boy wasn’t as entertained as I was.

When Improv Boy headed to the bathroom, I quickly texted Boston Christian.

Me: Omg!!! Rofl!!! I started dating a guy named Christian. Just realized when you wrote about a game because he’s over. So funny and so sorry! Xoxo

Boston Christian: I had a feeling… =)

I wanted to text more with Christian, but I knew that my attention should be focused on my date. I put my phone away and went back to the kitchen. While dinner was cooking in the oven, Improv Boy and I alternated between enjoying our drinks (Italian Chianti for him and diet pepsi for me) and making out. I hadn’t cooked in a while and I wasn’t sure if this recipe was a winner. But, when dinner was served, he complimented my cooking several times and even went back for seconds!

Me: I hadn’t realized how much I had missed cooking until tonight. Hopefully, I can make more meals for you in the near future.

Improv Boy: I’d like that. And, you know I love to cook so I’ll help you.

Me [smiling]: That would be nice.

We sat very close to each other as we were eating, brushing each other’s legs and kissing between bites. He then looked at me and said:

Guess what I’m doing on Thursday?

Me: I don’t know. What?

Improv Boy: Going to the doctor to get tested [for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases]!

Me: Really?

Improv Boy: Yep!

I smiled and thanked him, but I really wanted to say, “Whooooaaa! It’s way too soon for that!”

Our first one-on-one date was April 29th. When the topic of sex came up that evening, I let him know that I didn’t want to have sex until we had been together for at least a month (May 29th). And, he made an appointment to get tested on May 6th! Yes, I had a crush on him, but it just seemed premature to decide if we were in an exclusive relationship. We had only dated eight days and were still getting to know each other!

My normal reaction would have been to run or at least to retreat a bit. But, I decided to approach this situation differently. I exhaled. I would know soon enough if Improv Boy and I were a match, and I didn’t have to have sex with him if I wasn’t ready. Plus, after dating several guys who didn’t take the HIV/STD testing issue as seriously as I did, it was refreshing to find someone who felt the same way and took the initiative to get tested.

After dinner, we moved to the couch to watch a movie and resume making out. The subject then turned to more serious matters.

Improv Boy: So, I’ve noticed your Medical Alert bracelet.

Me: Yeah, I figured you did.

Improv Boy: I know you have some health stuff you’re dealing with. I used to be an EMT so I want to be able to know how to help you if you need it. Mind telling me about your conditions?

Me [taking a deep breath]: Sure.

We talked for about 15 minutes about my health issues and how he might be of assistance to me. I made sure to mention what I learned from my conversation with “Buckeyes” Boy. (I hadn’t realized until “Buckeyes” Boy had pointed it out last year that I take for granted that my new boyfriends just automatically understand what to do when my conditions act up.)

After the movie ended, Improv Boy and I also decided to go to a baseball game that Friday evening with some friends of mine. Abigail, my friend who does comedy with Improv Boy, would be there, too.

Improv Boy: Will the game be too much for you? [I have Post-Concussion Syndrome so loud noises and crowds can be very disorienting.]

Me: It might be, but it’s worth a try, right?

Improv Boy: Okay. I’ll buy the tickets.

We retired to the bedroom for me to tuck him in. As our arms and lips locked, I felt happy and safe. Yes, we had gotten close very quickly, and I didn’t know what the future would hold for us. But, I decided to give my relationship with Improv Boy a chance. He seemed worth it.

Texting fun

I had a little crush on Improv Boy, and it felt good. We were in that blissful early phase of a relationship. I couldn't help but smile when I was with him, and I couldn't stop thinking about him when we were apart.

As much as we were seeing each other, I still wanted to wait to have sex with him. (When I have a crush on a guy, I can tend to rush into the physical side of the relationship. I didn't want to do that this time.) I suggested that we wait until a month after our first one-on-one date. I even sent him a Google Invite for May 29th with the event title: When the magic will happen. I hoped that would reaffirm my point in a way that was at least somewhat light and endearing.

He laughed at the invite, but commented that we wouldn't still be together if we didn't have sex before then. I reiterated my desire for us to get tested before we decided to have sex, and thankfully, he didn't seem averse to that. I figured that I would broach that matter again in two weeks. Maybe I didn't need to wait the whole month, right?

When I awoke Tuesday morning, I decided that I would actually cook dinner for Improv Boy that evening. I selected an easy menu of Chicken Parmigiana with Angel Hair and bought all the ingredients, a bottle of wine and cupcakes for dessert. I also had to purchase a casserole dish. I really don't cook often!

I texted Improv Boy to say that I would be cooking that evening, joking that I would be making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. As the day progressed, I got a migraine that would not go away. That normally wouldn't be a problem, but for the fact that my migraine medicine is so strong that I can only take it twice a week. Unfortunately, I had to hold out for at least another 24 hours before my next dose.

I wanted to give Improv Boy a heads up that I might not be feeling my best so I sent him a text:

Me: 3rd migraine in 5 days. But, definitely, definitely, definitely want to see you, cook for you and cook with you ;).

Improv Boy: I'm sorry for your pain, but I like the sound of all that kitchen activity. Where are you?

Me: My couch

[I was able to relax a bit since I had already started the preparation. All that was left to do was put the dish in the oven and boil the pasta when he arrived.]

Improv Boy: Probably the best place for you to be with a migraine. Do you need anything?

Me: I'm good — thanks! And, there might be a few things you can do for me after wine, pb&j, and dessert ;).

Improv Boy: I hope that your head feels better by dinner. What kind of wine do you prefer with your pb&j?

For me it depends on the varietal of the jelly. A Concord grape gets a cabernet sauvignon, strawberry goes with champagne, a nice zinfandel for black currant, etc. And after refreshments, you were thinking of a nice drive around the neighborhoods? Warm bath? Foot massage?

[I was beaming at this point because he was so incredibly sweet!]

Me: I asked the wine guy downstairs what bottle would go with pb&j and he chose an Italian Chianti. But, if you want to bring something else, please do so.

Lol about afterward. I do have a bathtub product for couples to review :-D.

Improv Boy: I didn't even think of Chianti! Good choice! Perhaps we'll just let you have the wine and I can show you my appreciation.

I smiled, laugh out loud, and got up to set the table. Since Improv Boy was always very punctual, I figured that he had sent his last text right before heading over to my place. Just as I expected, there was a knock on my door at exactly 6:30. I couldn't contain how happy I was to see him, and we proceeded to make out in the foyer…and the living room…and the kitchen. Our lips finally parted enough so that I could begin baking the entrée.

Improv Boy: How was your day?

Me: Better now.

Improv Boy: What was wrong?

Me: I have another migraine. I told you that, though.

My phone vibrated to indicate that a text had come in. I opened the message to see the following:

I hope you are feeling better. I'm off to my game, but I will be thinking of the job left undone at your place ;).

Me [smiling]: Did you send this before you got here?

Improv Boy: Send what?

Me: A text about me feeling better.

Improv Boy: No.

[Long pause.]

Me: Did you get my texts this afternoon about wine and pb&j and bathtime fun?

Improv Boy: No.

I looked at Improv Boy and then my phone, completely confused. And then, I did that again. As I started to put the pieces together, my eyes got wide, my jaw dropped open, and my face became flushed.

Improv Boy had the same first name as my high school boyfriend, Boston Christian. I had been texting Boston Christian – now married and definitely not Improv Boy – all afternoon. And, Boston Christian had played along.

Me: Oh. My. God.

To be continued…

Making me blush

Several hours after Improv Boy had left my place on a Monday morning in early May, I awoke with two thoughts on my mind:

1. It was comfortable and easy to be with Improv Boy; and
2. I really didn't want to go out on a date with Mr. Attorney the following evening.

There are times in my life when I enjoy dating several different guys at once. Other times, though, I prefer to focus all of my attention on one guy. Improv Boy and I had gone out with each other several times, and I wanted to see how things would evolve.

Did my personality mesh well with Mr. Attorney? I vacillated between sending Mr. Attorney an email canceling our plans for Tuesday and telling him that I preferred not to go out with him again — ever. I decided on the former to keep my options open. Mr. Attorney was my type physically and was great on paper. Improv Boy wasn't either of those things, but treated me like a queen. I figured that I could actively pursue Improv Boy without totally closing the door on Mr. Attorney.

I sent Mr. Attorney an email, apologizing for being unable to see him. He offered to reschedule for Wednesday since he was heading out of town after that, but I said that I was unavailable. He called me, and I let it go to voicemail. I realize that wasn't the most direct approach, but I knew that the tone in my voice would convey my disinterest.

As the day progressed, I found myself thinking about Improv Boy incessantly. It was odd for me to focus on how a guy treated me, rather than my desire to have sex with him. But, with Improv Boy, it was all about how kind he was. He checked in every day to let me know he was thinking about me, he told me how beautiful I was, and he was genuinely supportive of me, my health and my goals. I don't usually fall for the good guy, but maybe it was time for that?!?

Later that afternoon, Improv Boy contacted me via Google Talk. Our unedited conversation is below:

Improv Boy: I'm starving

Me: 2 bad u aren't here. have lots of things to feed you

Improv Boy: you're incorrigible
but adorable

Me: really?
aww – now i'm blushing

Improv Boy: any night you offer to make me dinner, you'll have me there with bells on. it's not an offer I get too often

Me: me cooking…for you?
u r a comic 😉

[I used to cook all the time for my parents, but I've rarely cooked since my Mom died. I associate cooking with love.]

Improv Boy: hey, if it's prepared before I arrive, then I promise to be blissfully ignorant….

Me: if i say, i'm going to cook. i'll do it.
u have plans 2mrw night?

Improv Boy: nope

Me: dinner & dvd at my place?

Improv Boy: sounds like a plan!
i might cook, but there will b food

[I had told him earlier that I was acting like a dork where he was concerned and decided to finally tell him why.]

Me: so…say there was this red-headed girl
who had a date for tomorrow night
but realized that she didn't want to go out on a date with that guy
because she had a little crush on a guy she hung out with last night
so she canceled that date

Improv Boy: uh huh

Me: and is really happy to see the guy she wants to hang w/ tomorrow
the end

Improv Boy: I like this story
I'm looking forward to the sequel

Me: me 2

As we signed off our session, I found myself smiling. I wanted to cook for Improv Boy and make him happy because he made me happy. I hadn't felt like that in a while. And, it felt really good.

Changing my ways

My birthday was behind me. Philly Matt had gone back home. Mr. Exec was trying to reach out, but after he had failed to be there for me following my concussion, my interest in him had waned.

April 2010 brought some unexpected intrigue into my life, though, when I met Dutch Boy at an embassy event. He wasn’t my normal type. Picture a nice-looking white guy, 5’11” with a very lean build. Dutch Boy is a scientist, doing a fellowship at the National Institutes of Health. He loved sports and writing so we had some shared interests, but that normally wouldn’t be enough to pique my interest.

What did attract me to Dutch Boy then? He oozed sex. He wasn’t particularly sexy, and yet, he had that indefinable magnetism. I commented as much to my girlfriend in the ladies’ room, and she heartily concurred. I tried not to monopolize Dutch Boy’s time at the event, but I wanted to converse with him as much as I could.

After talking to Dutch Boy for 30 minutes, I learned two unfortunate things:

Dutch Boy was returning to Amsterdam in a month…

And he had a girlfriend back home.

We exchanged information and contacted each other that weekend, keeping all of our correspondence casual. Dutch Boy and I alluded in our emails to seeing each other again â€“ without throwing out a time or place. I wanted to get to know him better, but I also didn’t want to complicate my life. He was moving back home, and he had an old girlfriend there. (For once, I made the right call! For once!)

Three days later, I sat down to meditate. When I was done meditating, I came out of the session with one strong thought in my head:

I’m supposed to contact Improv Boy and go out with him.

“Improv Boy?!?” I asked myself with a baffled expression on my face.

What was my subconscious trying to tell me? I didn’t want to go out with Improv Boy last month, which is why I stopped corresponding with him. He wasn’t my type at all, but maybe it was time to think out of the box? It’s not like dating my type had been working out well for me.

I decided to send Improv Boy an email. I figured that I would answer the questions that he had asked me in his last email and invite him out to a small, informal Happy Hour. (He had repeatedly asked me out on dates in March, but I felt like that type of one-on-one activity was premature. A small get-together seemed like a better way to gauge if I wanted to go out with him.) I wrote:

Hi Improv Boy,

I know…it’s been a while. A lot has been going on with me (out-of-town, concussion, birthday and speech at an event), but that doesn’t excuse me from not being in touch.

How are you? I hope that you are doing well!

I’m an attorney, but I took time off to finish another degree. My thesis got approved in February, and now I’m pursuing some freelance writing. I miss my clients, but I’m keeping all options open.

You’ll have to tell me more about your possible new venture in person!

A few friends and I are going to watch the Caps game on Friday at Clyde’s. Any interest in joining us?

:), City Girl

The following morning, I heard from Improv Boy. He wrote about last night’s hockey game and indicated that he was free to come to the Happy Hour on Friday night. He also extended appropriate congratulations for my thesis approval and concern about my concussion.

We emailed each other once a day for the rest of the week. In one correspondence, he inquired as to my thesis topic. I gave a basic one-line response regarding my esoteric topic and was surprised when Improv Boy came back with follow-up questions. It took me a few minutes to realize that he had done some online research to learn more about the issue, which I found endearing.

I mentioned that to my friend, Julie, and said:

Improv Boy seems really nice, but I’m not sure if I’m attracted to him. He’s really funny, too…as one would hope since he’s a comedian. Maybe if I don’t like him, Autumn might?

Julie: You invited a guy to Happy Hour to fix him up with your friend?

Me [laughing]: Well, who knows? I’m trying not to over-think things like I normally do.

Happy Hour with Improv Boy and my friends was set. And, the following night, I would be at another embassy event — with Dutch Boy.

This month was looking up!

The Elite Elise

When it comes to sex toys, Lelo products are the creme de la creme! The Swedish company was established in 2003 with one key objective: to create sex toys of better quality, function, and design than any others on the market. After trying out the Lelo Elise for the past two weeks, I say: Mission Accomplished!

Lotus Blooms is a certified LELO dealer in the DC metropolitan area. The Elise is Lelo's biggest toy, and at first glance, it's a bit intimidating. However, upon closer inspection, only 5" of this sleek 8" toy is insertable, and the width is a reasonable 1 ¼".

What's great about the Elise?

1. No batteries required! As is the norm for Lelo products, the Elise is rechargeable. A two-hour charge guarantees you four-hours of fun;

2. It's made of silky smooth, FDA-approved, body friendly silicone. (Just don't use silicone lubricant with the Elise or else it might get tacky in texture.);

3. There are two pleasure points in the vibrator. One is at the top of the toy, and the other is toward the base. There are also five levels of intensity and five speeds (consistent vibrations, just the tip, just the base, a pulsating vibration, and a whirring vibration). This toy has a lot of options so you can adjust based on your own needs and preferences;

4. This toy is very quiet, even at its highest vibrations. You won't have to worry about anyone knowing what you are up to;

5. It's intense. Correction, very intense. Whether on your clit or inside for G-Spot stimulation, the Elise will have you orgasming every single time. There's a reason why this is Lelo's premier product;

6. It's perfect for travel. The Hitachi Magic Wand is many women's favorite toy, but a plug-in product is not convenient to pack and might not work overseas. The Elise is almost as powerful and much more discrete and versatile. You can fully charge it before your trip and put the toy in lock mode so there's no need to worry about your luggage vibrating; and

7. The Elise also works with your partner. Want a toy to help finish the job after sex or to help increase the sensations during oral sex? Care to bring something out for a mutual masturbation session? This toy can do all that and more! It's very effective, quiet and easy to pull out and just use (no batteries, cords or attachments involved).

Can you use this toy anally?

The Elise isn't designed for anal use. Nonetheless, this toy is very popular with male customers at Lotus Blooms. Guys and girls, if you are trying the Elise in your ass, please keep a strong grip on the base of the toy so that it doesn't get lost inside you! Or, ask your partner to lend a hand ;).

As an anal toy, the Elise provides a very fulfilling experience, given its size and intensity. Since this toy is large and powerful, start at the lowest, constant vibration to make sure that you don't lose your grip or overwhelm yourself.

What didn't I love about the Elise?

1. I found the controls to be confusing. How confusing? I had to break out the instruction manual to actually figure out what the buttons meant.

The circle on the bottom of the Elise has four markings. If you're not a fan of instruction manuals, the + sign at 3 o'clock on the circle turns the vibrator on. You can press the + sign four times to keep increasing the intensity of the vibrations. To decrease the intensity of the vibrations, press the – sign at the 9 o'clock spot. To vary the consistency of the vibrations or how much of the toy is pulsating, press the upward arrow at the 12 o'clock position. The negative arrow at the 6 o'clock position decreases the changes in vibrations, and a firm press in the center of the circle turns the vibrator off; and

2. The Elise could also be called the Elite, given its hefty price tag of $169. I appreciate that's quite a chunk of change, but this is a top of the line, multi-functional toy. If you have the money to spare, I'm sure you'll find this product to be a worthwhile investment!

If you're a newbie to a toy of this length or intensity, start on the lowest vibration and work your way up. If you're a toy aficionado, you'll appreciate the Elise's size, versatility and intensity.

How many squeals does this toy warrant? I'd give it a full Five (5) Squeals for clitoral and G-Spot stimulation for both beginners and experienced toy users. But, for anal use and price, I would give Three (3) Squeals. I'll average it out for a four (4) Squeal ranking, but picture those four squeals as very solid and very loud!

In accordance with FTC Guidelines, I received the Lelo Elise free of charge in exchange for my honest assessment of the product.

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City Girl's Squeals of Approval Chart:

Stage 1. Not so fun.

I've been thinking a lot about the different hats that I wear. I'm a relationship and sex blogger. I'm the in-house product reviewer for Dascha Boutique and a sexuality educator for Fascinations at Fun Love. I'm a non-practicing attorney who will still talk about the law ad nauseum and answer her former clients' calls at any hour of the day. I'm a sports fan, a dog lover, a cupcake and pizza fiend, a girly-girl, and an anal ambassador. And now, I'm a 37-year-old with breast cancer.

I don't want my cancer to define me, but for the past few weeks, cancer has dictated my schedule. I'm not looking for this blog to turn into a blog about cancer, but ignoring it is about as easy as ignoring "Buckeyes" Boy or any proverbial elephant in the room.

Since last I wrote about my diagnosis, I've had a few more tests, and the doctors have gathered some additional information. A second area of cancer was found so instead of DCIS non-invasive breast cancer, I now have Stage 1, invasive breast cancer.

This was still found early, and I know how lucky I am. But, the fact that there's now cancer in my breast tissue complicates things a bit. My surgery — originally scheduled for today — has been postponed. I need more biopsies this week and am waiting for results of the breast cancer gene test (BRCA) before I know the plan of attack.

I continue to feel my feelings as I need to without dwelling on them. And, I'm thankful for so many blessings, including my friends, great health care and early diagnosis. But, since I received the call from the doctor yesterday that the cancer is now in my breast tissue, I've wondered:

Will I lose my hair?

Even typing those words brings tears to my eyes. I admit it, I'm vain. I love my hair. What did "Buckeyes" Boy first notice about me? My hair! How did people on Twitter recognize me in real life even though I've never posted a picture of my face? By my hair! Why did the modeling agent think she could book me for work? Because I'm a tall redhead!

Is there a theme here?

Philly Matt told me this evening that he thinks I would be sexy if I was bald. And, I love him for that. But, it doesn't change the fact that seriously thinking about chemotherapy brings tears to my eyes. It's not a given that chemo will be the recommended course of treatment for me, but I don't like that it's even an option.

And, that's not the only thing that's on my mind:

A few weeks ago, I was on top of my man having sex and as he kissed my tits and sucked on my nipples, I thought to myself:

Will these be my breasts in a year?

I'm (thankfully) able to displace my emotions during sex, but later that night, I cried openly about that concern. My tits are a part of me and are inextricably linked to my sexuality. I don't want to lose them, and I'd much prefer to keep my big naturals than trade them in for a shiny, perky pair. Mastectomies might not be the recommended course of action for me, but again, I don't even like the option!

I didn't write this post to be Debbie Downer or make any of you worry. I realize that cancer won't keep me down for more than a few months. I know that I have dealt with far worse things in my life and come out the stronger for it. (If you've been reading my blog, you know that I've had much more toxic things inside me than this!)

I WILL beat this, and cancer will NOT win in the end! I see the future, and there's more more for me to do as a sexuality educator and a lawyer. And, although my goal to adopt a little girl is on hold, all of my doctors are aware of my plan to adopt. I've told them that I will do whatever they recommend to ensure that I'm around for decades to come!

For those of you who might be skeptical that I'm letting this get the best of me for too long, I'll leave you with this:

What DC relationship and sex blogger had anal sex when she got back home from her breast biopsies?

This one.

I might be a bit down, but I'm not out. Not even close. I'm not going to give up what I love to do if I can help it, even if that means that I have to be a little creative while doing it. (It's better to have sex with your bra on and ice packs inside your bra than not have sex at all!)

PS For those of you who have emailed, called, texted, commented or Tweeted, your support means more to me than you could possibly know. For my friends in real life who are my family, you are a huge part of what I'm fighting for! And, you know me well enough to know that I'm not going to miss out on any laughs, girl talk and gossip with you all. I love you with all of my heart. xoxo

Very Smart Balls

While I was at the AASECT conference last weekend, I was thrilled to see that Fun Factory had a representative in the exhibition hall.

"What's Fun Factory?" you might be asking.

Fun Factory is a German sex toy company known for its aesthetically pleasing and top performing products! If you purchase a Fun Factory toy, you can also take comfort in the fact that the item is high quality, and free of toxic ingredients and allergens.

The Fun Factory representative provided me with the Smart Balls Teneo Duo. I looked at the two weighted balls and envisioned a lot of anal pleasure to be had. So, imagine my dismay, when the representative indicated that the balls are only for vaginal use. (Where's the fun in that?)

When I got up to my hotel room, I opened the box containing the Smart Balls. The two soft silicone balls are attached by a small piece of material. The end of the toy has a cord to assist with removal. The balls are ridged, and the two balls together feel about as heavy as a single golf ball. The weighted balls inside the silicone shell allow for some vibration, but you have to listen carefully to hear any noise emanating from the toy.

The box indicates that the toy helps strengthen vaginal muscles. Midwives recommend Smart Balls to women after pregnancy, and they are also used as a substitute or conduit for Kegel exercises. The goal here is to tighten the pelvic floor muscles, which in turn, increases pleasure during sex.

As I read about the toy in my hotel room, I rolled my eyes. I really wasn't in the market for a toy to tighten my pussy. I figured that the Smart Balls would get used once for the sake of the review and then tossed in the back of the toy drawer. Boy, was I mistaken!

The Smart Balls can significantly enhance oral and anal sex, if you leave them in during those sexcapades. Significantly.

The fact that the toy is ridged and weighted led me to believe that the cord would need to be pulled to move the balls and cause the vibrations. However, that's not the case. The toy works phenomenally well if it's just inside you. Or, you can get a lot of enjoyment from subtle movements of the cord.

Imagine that you are just teasing the cord and tap it gently from one side to the other. Or guide it slowly up and down. You don't need repeated movements here since the vibrations respond to light, sporadic touches. And, no pulling or tugging of the string is required.

If you need to use a lubricant to insert the Smart Balls, use a water-based lubricant, rather than a silicone-based product. Since the Smart Balls are silicone, silicone lube might cause the product to melt. (Maybe that won't happen, but why risk it?) The Smart Balls can be cleaned with mild soap and water or a Toy Cleaner.

Once the Smart Balls are comfortably inside you, have your partner focus on your clitoris with his tongue and occasionally touch the cord of the toy. During anal sex, the thrusting motion will allow the Smart Balls to vibrate enough to provide added G-spot stimulation. The vibrations are subtle, effective and not distracting at all. Oral and anal can be much more intense and orgasmic with the toy than without it.

The Smart Balls allow for heightened G-Spot sensitivity and awareness. For those of you who are still trying to harness the power of your G-spot or clitoral legs, you might find this toy to be very useful.

Smart Balls can be used without stimulation to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and help with Kegel exercises. The toy is highly recommended for postpartum women, although you should check with your doctor before inserting a toy into your vagina after delivery.

For straight women looking to bring something new into the bedroom, your man shouldn't find anything intimidating about the Smart Balls. There's also the advantage that the toy requires very little effort. No batteries, charging, or operation required. You can insert the Smart Balls inside and neither you nor your man need to do much else.

The Smart Balls will be a great addition to your normal sexual mix. Bullets or small sex toys rarely stay in place. And, traditional vibrators are often too big to feel comfortable – let alone erotic – when inside your pussy during anal sex. The Smart Balls are just right.

Some sex toy websites indicate that the balls can be used anally. Please don't do that, though! Shanna Katz, a Sex Educator, explains why the balls aren't medically safe for anal use here.

Smart Balls retail for $29.90. Given how versatile the toy is, I found that price to be reasonable. This toy will be a regular part of your sexual routine. Thanks Fun Factory!

Note: Pursuant to FTC regulations, I received this product free of charge in exchange for my participation in a survey at the AASECT conference.