CBCC Silk Scarf Giveaway

Capital Breast Care Center (CBCC) provides culturally appropriate breast cancer screening services and promotes health and wellness to women in the Washington, DC area, regardless of their ability to pay. Their services include clinical breast exams, mammograms, ultrasound-guided biopsies, Pap smears, and pelvic exams. CBCC performs mammograms on 2,000 DC area women annually. 100% of all private donations made to Capital Breast Care Center goes to the provision of services to women in need.

If you live in the DC area and have health insurance, you can make an appointment at CBCC for your annual clinical breast exam or mammogram. Your insurance company will be billed the customary fees for the service that you receive, and those dollars will help defer the cost of the same services to a woman without insurance. More information about the Gift of Life program is available here.

On a related tangent, over the past year, I’ve become far more selective about which products I purchase to support breast cancer organizations. Media and nonprofits have drawn attention to the downside of pinkwashing. Breast Cancer Action recommends asking the following questions before buying a pink product:

1. Does any money from this purchase go to support breast cancer programs? How much?

2. What organization will get the money? What will they do with the funds, and how do these programs turn the tide of the breast cancer epidemic?

3. Is there a "cap" on the amount the company will donate? Has this maximum already been met?

4. Does this purchase put you or someone you love at risk for exposure to toxins linked to breast cancer? What is the company doing to ensure that its products are not contributing to the breast cancer epidemic?

With those guidelines in mind, I purchased two of CBCC’s signature silk scarves for me and a lucky reader. Designed by Ibahna Creations, these scarves add sparkle to any wardrobe! Scarves are $45 (plus $2.00 shipping and handling) and can be purchased here. $25 of the purchase price goes to fund Capital Breast Care Center's services, such as screening mammograms and patient navigation. 

 

Would you like to win a CBCC signature silk scarf?

If so, comment with “Keep up the great work, CBCC!” by Friday, September 21, 2012, to enter. One winner will be chosen randomly via Random.org. The winner must reside in the United States or Canada.

What to do if it’s been a while

It’s time for a reader’s relationship question!

Question: I'm in my first relationship since my divorce several years ago. We've talked about having sex, and I feel as though that's going to happen soon. The only problem is that I'm really nervous. I know that sex is sex, and it hasn't technically changed, but what if I've lost my knack? Help! What do I do?

Answer: It's perfectly normal to feel nervous about sex with a new partner, especially when you’ve developed feelings for that person. I've felt that way several times over the years, and I appreciate that the nerves increase exponentially with the amount of time between partners. Here are some of my thoughts:

  • Communicate: Do you trust him enough to tell him how long it’s been? If so, I recommend having that conversation when you’re not in the bedroom and on a night when there’s not an expectation that you’ll be having sex. Assuming that his reaction is compassionate, that should help reaffirm your decision to take your relationship to the next level.
  • Remember that it takes two: Have you considered the possibility that he feels nervous, too? (It is a lot easier for a woman to please a man than vice-versa, right?)
  • Talk before action: Could you set the stage one night when you’re talking on the phone or having drinks? I'm envisioning some conversation about what you both want to do to each other when you see each other next. (It could be done tastefully or you could ask him to take the lead in telling you what he'd like.) You might feel more at ease if you know what's on the horizon.
  • Setting the stage: What makes you feel relaxed or sensual? Is it possible to have candles, aromatherapy, new lingerie and/or music that give you a sense of calm? Would a couple of glasses of wine help to relax you? Make a point to set the stage beforehand.
  • Managed expectations: I know that it's easier said than done, but remind yourself that the time factor doesn't really matter. Sex is different with each new partner, and it always takes some time to adapt to what works for you as a couple. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself for the first time. You guys aren't looking for a one-night stand; you're building a relationship here! Chances are that there won't be fireworks for either of you the first time, but it will still be special. The toe-curlingly good part will happen in time!
  • Affirmations: I'm a big believer in affirmations so I would send some positive reinforcements to yourself. You still have your knack! You haven't lost your mojo! And, you both care about each other enough to give yourselves to each other! That all sounds pretty good to me!

So, readers, did I miss anything? What has calmed your nerves before sex with a new partner?

St. Jude Heart of Fashion Benefit

What do you look for in a charity to support with your time or money?

In 2010 and 2011, I helped almost every charity that asked for my assistance as a volunteer, fundraiser or Host Committee member. I was proud of my efforts and the accomplishments of the organizations that I gladly served. In 2012, though, I’ve decided to be more discriminating with my time and donations.

What criteria do I evaluate in deciding which organizations to help?

  1. What is the mission of the organization? Who benefits from that mission?
  2. What events does the organization hold? Do ticket prices go to event expenses or the cause itself? How many free tickets are given out to Host Committee members and other special guests?
  3. How are donations used?
  4. Does the organization partner with similar organizations to make sure that efforts aren’t duplicative?
  5. Is the organization focused solely on awareness or is there an action or services component?

When I think of organizations that meet all of the above criteria, I think of St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. I served on the Host Committee for the St. Jude Fall Fashion Event in 2011, and I’m honored to be on the committee again this year.

St. Jude is the first and only pediatric cancer center to be designated as a comprehensive cancer center by the National Cancer Institute. Children from all 50 states and from around the world have come through the doors of St. Jude for treatment, and thousands more have benefited from the research conducted at the hospital.

No family ever pays St. Jude for anything. Working together under one roof, the St. Jude physicians and scientists have pioneered treatments that have helped push the overall survival rates for childhood cancers from less than 20% when the hospital opened in 1962 to 80% today.

The Heart of Fashion event on Saturday, September 15, 2012 at 11:00am at Neiman Marcus Washington features the Armani Fall 2012 Collection straight from New York Fashion Week. Mimosas and brunch bites will be served.

Tickets are available for purchase here. You can take comfort in the fact that 100% of all ticket sales will go to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. If you’re in the DC area, I hope you’ll join me at the event to support this very worthy cause.

What charities do you support and why?

Lelo Tiani 2

There are many things that are better in theory than in practice, and I would have to include remote-controlled adult toys on that list. I had hoped that I would enjoy the design edition of Lelo’s Tiani more than the original, but the second edition didn't grab my interest either.

I opened the sleek black box to find a Lelo Insignia pin inside. You might wish to proclaim that you use a certain line of adult products via a brooch, but I'm more of a minimalist when it comes to jewelry.

The waterproof Tiani features a vibrating rechargeable U-shaped insertable toy and a vibrating battery-operated remote control. Insert two AAA batteries into the remote, charge the insertable toy for several hours, and you’re ready to go!

The smaller end of the U-shaped toy goes inside your pussy and should be tilted toward the front to allow for internal stimulation. The more bulbous end of the toy rests outside on your clit. The U-shaped toy is designed to be worn by itself for solo use or during sex in the missionary position. The second attachment (not shown above) provides more options if you’d prefer to use the toy in other positions. You can use the Tiani 2 with or without the remote control. Shaking or tilting the remote control alters the strength and pace of the vibrations on the toy. You can increase the vibrations by pressing the “+” sign on the remote, or you can change the pulse and pattern of the vibrations by pressing the top of the U-shaped toy.

The Tiani 2 has more power and range than the original edition. You won’t have to worry about the toy completely turning off when a body part is blocking the connection. However, if the front of the remote control isn’t facing the top of the U-shaped toy, the power of the toy weakens considerably. And, even on its highest vibrations, the toy won’t satisfy a user who needs intensity.

As much as adult toy companies try to make products with mass appeal, it’s impossible to please everyone all of the time. The Tiani 2 wasn't strong enough for my liking and didn’t feel comfortable during solo use. I liked that the remote control had a better connection to the toy than the original edition did, but I still wasn't a fan of the remote. For use as a couple, that option didn’t work for more than a couple of minutes. To quote my friend after she tried the couples’ massager, “there wasn’t enough room for both the toy and [her husband]. The toy just kept booting him out.”

In a conversation with sexuality educator and author Dr. Ruth Neustifter, I also learned the following:

"All of the pretty chrome Lelo toys have a troubling valley where the chrome meets the silicone coated ABS plastic, and that area requires special cleaning attention lest crustiness build up. This is true on both the remote and [U-shaped] toy. Furthermore, in order to recharge the vibe on the [Tiani], it is unscrewed from the tail and plugged in. The place where these two parts screw together collects quite a bit of lube and people juices, and is not easy to clean without pulling it apart and flushing out the tail part thoroughly and pulling out the Q-tips and cleaner for the vibrating section."

I sent Dr. Ruthie’s post to my friends at Lelo headquarters in the hopes that the cleaning problem would be rectified. Unfortunately, though, that wasn’t the case.

Lelo, I love many of your products! The Siri, Elise and Tor are among my favorite adult toys on the market. Nonetheless, your Insignia line doesn’t get my badge of honor.

With that said, who might enjoy the Tiani 2?

  • Couples who are fascinated by gadgets. The Tiani 2 did win the 2012 Red Dot Award for innovative design;
  • Women who need or prefer light vibrations, including those just cleared to orgasm after illness or childbirth;
  • Couples looking to reconnect in a unique way;
  • Individuals or couples interested in a body-friendly, waterproof product;
  • Couples in which the male isn’t well endowed;
  • Individuals or couples interested in a bestselling toy from a respected company, irrespective of price point ($159); and
  • Couples who have enjoyed remote-controlled products in the past, but would benefit from the improved power, range and versatility of the design edition.

*Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received the Lelo Tiani 2 product free of charge in exchange for my honest assessment herein.

Recess

I hadn’t planned on joining Congress in taking a recess during August, but apparently, I, too, needed a break from blogging. Ironically, though, the past month has been anything but uneventful.

The Boobs (or “Foobs,” as some of us in the breast cancer community call them): The first week after my reconstructive surgery was rougher than I had previously indicated. See, the surgery had ended, but I surprisingly woke up while I was still in the Operating Room. That’s not supposed to happen under general anesthesia! I began screaming, “It’s too soon! It’s too soon!” As I was moved onto the gurney and wheeled into the Recovery Room, I felt very dizzy and got sick. Those symptoms continued for the next five days.

One week later, I noticed that my left breast looked sunburned. It was pink in color, swollen, slightly painful and warm to the touch. I wasn’t sure what was going on so I paged my doctor on the weekend. She recommended that I meet her at her office on a Sunday. (Yes, it helps to have doctors like this who go above and beyond!)

The thought was that I had developed an odd reaction or mild infection. She put me on more antibiotics. In total, I’ve been on antibiotics for all but five days out of a two-month period!

Two weeks later, the “sunburn” is slightly better. The left side is still swollen, though, and the surgeon thinks that my skin is having an abnormal reaction to everything that has transpired. The hope is that it will improve naturally over the next month or two.

Teaching: To say that I love teaching at American University would be an understatement! Nevertheless, it might not have been the best move to agree to teach a seven-week online class during my season of surgeries! (I'm sure I should have rested and relaxed a lot more than I did.) The summer class required me to be online so much that I just didn’t have the energy to be writing outside of that.

The Man: If I’ve had free time over the past month, I’ve spent it with my loved ones. The Man is definitely at the top of that list! Since surgery, he’s handled every ride, every dog walk, every grocery store run and every doctor’s appointment. I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve someone as wonderful and caring as him in my life, but I feel grateful.

I hope that all of you had a relaxing and fun summer! How did you spend your holiday weekend?
 

The Love Commitment Giveaway

Would you love to win a copy of Doc Scriven’s book, TheLoveCommitment.com?

Fast-paced and told from a unique perspective, TheLoveCommitment.com is charming, provocative, and delivers to singles and couples looking for a thoughtful and exciting relationship novel. But be warned. TheLoveCommitment.com is not just a novel. It's also a blueprint by which romantic relationships can be structured and streamlined in favor of both men and women, ultimately leading to marriage in two years or less. As a bonus, TheLoveCommitment.com contains questions in the back for Book Clubs as well as those interested in experiencing a real-life, Love Commitment journey for themselves.

Book Summary: Gigi and Timo had been living together in Atlanta for a year and dating for three. But one evening, after she broached the subject of marriage, an argument ensued followed by a break-up that kept them apart for three additional years. When they finally meet again, Gigi and her best friend, Sheila, have discovered a system that transforms love from an art to a science. With it, Gigi has a new man and is leveling the playing field between the sexes. Meanwhile, Timo is trying desperately to re-enter Gigi's life for reasons of love and revenge.


About the Author: Darryl “Doc” Scriven is a graduate of both Florida A&M University and Purdue University. He earned a Ph.D. in Philosophy and has taught at Wilberforce University, Southern University, Tuskegee University, and lectured at dozens of universities across the country and world. Doc is the author of seven books ranging from fiction to academic to self-improvement. TheLoveCommitment.com is his second novel. He is co-founder of The African American Family Enrichment Institute in Atlanta, Georgia and, as such, is committed to building families that will thrive for generations. To learn more, visit www.TheLoveCommitment.com. You can also check out the trailer for Doc Scriven's documentary.


 

If you’d like to enter to win a hard or electronic copy of the book, comment with your definition of commitment.

Giveaway Rules: This giveaway will run through Tuesday, August 14, 2012 at 11:59pm est. One winner will be chosen randomly via Random.org. You must reside in the continental United States to win a hard copy of the book. Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, no compensation was received in exchange for this post or giveaway.

I Didn’t Have a Boob Job!

“I thought that you were done with surgery, Stef. What are you going in for this time?” several friends inquire.

“This is the second stage of reconstruction,” I reply, noticing my friends’ confusion. “They take the temporary expanders out and put the permanent implants in.”

Knowing looks follow, as my friends begin to register what the process entails. I quickly interject:

This isn’t like getting a boob job, though.

“It’s not?!?” they comment with surprise. I then exhale as they launch into a well-intentioned story or ask a question about elective breast surgery.

How is Breast Reconstruction Phase Two not like Breast Augmentation?

1. The Incision: During a boob job, the surgeon makes a tiny incision near the armpit, the areola or below the breast. In breast reconstruction, the surgeon needs to open up the old mastectomy incisions. If my breasts were globes, my scars resemble the equator. My incisions are thin, but they are the entire width of my breasts. (For those of you who would like to see a photo, the first image from David Jay’s Scar Project is a realistic depiction of what my breasts will look like once the stitches dissolve.)

Yes, scars will fade. Yes, I can use Vitamin E oil to expedite the process. But, my surgeon anticipates that I will need laser treatments next year to help reduce the appearance of the scars.

2. Nipples: Women with elective breast surgeries still have their nipples. I have none since they were removed during my mastectomy surgery. (Breast cancer can originate in the milk ducts.) My boobs are like those on a Barbie doll. I plan to get new nipples made from a skin graft as soon as I am able to in 2013.

3. Muscle, Tissue and Swelling: In a boob job, implants are placed over existing muscle and tissue. That’s why after a breast augmentation, a woman’s breasts are so high and pronounced. During a mastectomy, all breast tissue and muscle are removed. Since I don’t have any breast tissue or muscle, I’m not swollen. What I see when I take off my surgical bra is an accurate representation of the size of my breasts.

4. Excitement: Women who get breast augmentation are elated to show you their fabulous new tatas. They chose this elective surgery. They wanted their new breasts.

I had breast cancer. I decided to get mastectomies and reconstruction, after reviewing my options with my team of oncologists and surgeons. Prior to my diagnosis, I never thought about getting any cosmetic surgery on my breasts.

Am I cautiously optimistic that this is my last surgery for a year? Yes. Am I thankful that these surgeries have dramatically reduced my risk of getting breast cancer again? Of course. Are they large, symmetrical and perky? Yep! Do I view my breasts as "mine" anymore? No, not at all.

I viewed last week's surgery as a necessity. I needed to have the expanders replaced with permanent implants, and they were. I've jumped over the next hurdle. 

I felt angry and sad regarding my mastectomies and ambivalent about reconstruction. Nothing about this process has involved excitement, aside from the news that I'm cancer-free.

I’ve tried to be as open as I can throughout this process, and I’ll happily answer any questions that you might have. Just please don’t ask me about my boob job.

The Change

It happens to 50% of breast cancer patients under the age of 35 who require chemotherapy.

For those breast cancer patients who need chemo and are 35-40, the statistics go up to 80%.

If you are over 45, have breast cancer and receive chemotherapy, it’s almost guaranteed to happen to you!

“What are you talking about, City Girl?” you might be wondering.

The Big M. The Change. Menopause.

How does chemotherapy-induced menopause differ from traditional menopause? Dr. Melody Cobleigh of BreastCancer.org describes it as follows:

“Natural menopause is a fender bender, whereas medical or surgical menopause is like hitting a brick wall at sixty miles an hour.”

That analogy resonated with me. In October 2010, one month after I received my first round of chemotherapy, I began to hemorrhage. By November, I stopped bleeding entirely, and the hot flashes started. Night sweats, sleep problems, and irritability soon became part of my daily routine. And, then, there was the dryness down there. Yes…there!

Think about it. Back then, I was the 37-year-old sex blogger with an active dating life. Once menopause hit, I couldn’t get wet even when I was turned on. If I wasn’t a woman who prioritized sex during treatment, it would have been very easy to just forgo the act entirely. I had to consistently remind myself that this was important to me since my body wasn’t cooperating.

During chemo-induced menopause, traditional sex was painful at times, and I always needed a lot of lubrication. It took me much longer to reach orgasm. Cuddling for more than a few minutes would cause me to get such intense hot flashes that the entire bed would be wet from my perspiration. And, the lack of natural moisture made my pelvic muscles tighten up so much that I felt like I often had a UTI, even though I didn’t.

I didn’t write tons about this all during treatment because I needed to channel my energy in a positive direction. Medical menopause isn’t sexy. It's not easy to talk about. And, it made a tough time in my life even tougher.

Once I finished chemotherapy and stopped estrogen blockers, my menopause side effects subsided. I wasn’t surprised when my period returned in August 2011. However, when my cycle resumed, it was quarterly, not monthly. I wasn’t in full menopause anymore, but I wasn’t back to normal either. I called it, “The Pause.”

Something inside my body finally decided to press the “Play” button, though. I'm pausing no more. My 30-day cycle returned. Menopause is over, although the doctors believe that given my age and chemotherapy, my eggs are no longer viable. I'm hoping that the next time I experience menopause will just be in the words of Dr. Cobleigh, "a fender bender."

What are my tips for female breast cancer patients under the age of 45 who might have to worry about early menopause?

1. Talk to your doctor, nurse or case manager before you start treatment about the possibility of medical menopause. What should you watch out for? What's the protocol if you start hemorrhaging? Will you need to take an estrogen-blocking medication after chemo that could prolong or induce menopause?

2. Think about the long term before you deal with the day-to-day of treatment. Do you want to have biological children? If so, should you meet with a fertility specialist to discuss freezing your eggs before you begin chemotherapy? Err on the side of keeping all of your options open.

3. Be informed! Read as much as you can from reliable medical sources, check out nonprofits such as Fertile Action, and talk to survivors who have been through it before.

4. Make healthy choices for your body. Approximately ¾ of breast cancers feed on estrogen. Many toiletries, including lubricants and vaginal moisturizers, contain parabens, which weakly mimic the action of estrogen in a woman’s body. Select products that are paraben-free.

Did you know that chemotherapy could cause medical menopause? If you are a patient or survivor, what was your experience?

How can I masturbate when I have a roommate?

Let’s start the week off with a reader’s question via Formspring!

Question: As a college student, it's hard to find time to explore your body when you have a roommate that might come in at any time… what would you suggest?

Answer: Your predicament isn’t one that only college students residing in dormitories experience. Living in close quarters with roommates, in-laws and children can make it incredibly difficult to have the ability to spend some quality time with yourself!

What can you do to get some much-needed space and privacy?

  • Break out your calendar. How does your weekly schedule compare to your roommate’s schedule? When you live with someone, it helps to have a general idea of when they’ll be home or not for safety reasons and planning purposes. Figure out when your roommate will be in class or occupied with other commitments and enjoy that time to yourself.
     
  • Ask for space. Healthy distance between people living in close quarters is important. Few people will decline an opportunity for some quiet and privacy. Is it possible to set up a system to allow you both to have an hour or two in the room alone?

Broach this matter with your roommate with a relaxed tone. There’s no need to feel ashamed or tell more than you need to.

What not to say: “I’m looking to masturbate. Can I have some privacy on Thursday nights at 9pm?

What to say: "I thought it might be good for each of us to get the place to ourselves for a couple hours each week. How does that sound to you?”

• Be creative. Do you own a small, quiet vibrator that can help you maximize your enjoyment in a short amount of time? Could you read erotica on your Kindle to warm yourself up and then retire to the bathroom for a few minutes? Is your roommate a sound sleeper? Do you have access to more privacy elsewhere? Think of options that might work within your own comfort level.

• Shower time. For those of you who are living in a home with roommates or family members, have you considering purchasing a detachable shower head? Sit in the bathtub or stand up and hold onto the wall or rail. (If you’ll be standing, make sure that you have a non-skid mat or strips on the floor of the tub.) Switch the shower head to massage or vibrate and then tilt it down toward your clitoris. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. The beauty of the shower head is that you can obtain an intense orgasm in a short amount of time without causing anyone to wonder what you’re up to!

For those of you who have lived with others in close quarters, how did you manage to get some quality time with yourself?
 

Wanting Your Old Life Back

I’ve written a lot about not feeling like myself since I began treatment for breast cancer. Deep down, I know that I’m more than the sum of my parts, but there are moments when that doesn’t provide solace.

At a recent charity event, an acquaintance complimented my short hair. Without missing a beat, I cringed and told her that I'm not a fan. She responded:

You should feel lucky that you’re alive!

I looked at her with a confused expression on my face and said:

I do. But why does my sadness at the after effects of chemo need to be mutually exclusive from my ability to count my blessings?

It’s not easy figuring out who you are after you’ve experienced a major life event such as being diagnosed with cancer. The rest of the world continues as normal, but your life can never go back to the way it was before. I felt that way after I started to go paralyzed in 1994, after my mom died in 1997, and when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2010.

What’s my advice for a breast cancer patient who just wants to go back to her old life? Check out my video for Breast Cancer Answers.

And, for those of you who are wondering, yes, there are still times when I need to remind myself to take my own advice! xoxo