Stef Woods

One orgasm at a time

Earlier this month, I received this question from one of my favorite virtual friends:

How do I stop myself from essentially being “done” after one clitoral orgasm? (I can’t get off vaginally and let’s face it; I’m usually alone anyway.) My body goes limp. I’m in a state of bliss and I’m like a guy who falls asleep right away. Even if I tell myself I want to have a night of multiple orgasms, I have one and change my mind.

How do you keep yourself in the mood for an extended period of time? Also, if I’m going to follow that up with sex, I’m dry and sensitive, and it’s really uncomfortable. It sounds from your previous posts like you find sex to be better after an orgasm. But for me, it’s the opposite. My body just says, “Umm, we’re done here!” What can I do, other than lube, to help that along?

***

Great questions! Here are my thoughts:

1. One of my friends has an incredibly healthy sex life with her husband, and she orgasms like you do. Instead of viewing “One and Done” as a negative, she looks at it as “One! And!! Done!!!” She recognizes being spent as a very good thing. She also builds her connection with her partner by trying to time her orgasm with when her husband is going to cum.

Maybe you should try to reframe your thoughts about multiples since cumming more than once doesn’t necessarily equate with a better sexual experience. In fact, Men’s Health estimates that only 14-40% of women can achieve multiples. Although that’s a wide range, you are clearly in the majority, not the minority.

2. Have you tried waiting before you try to orgasm a second time? If you feel like you need to sleep, what if you take a nap before trying to orgasm again? Or, if you are using a sex toy, what if you wait a minute (or two or 20) to let your clit relax before you try to cum again?

3. If you are using a sex toy, rather than your fingers, try decreasing the intensity of the vibrations after you cum. You can experiment with: a) taking the toy off of your clit before bringing it back at a lower speed; and b) keeping the toy on your clit, but lowering the speed of the vibrations.

4. Try different types of sex toys — from a small toy that takes one battery to the big guns, the Hitachi Magic Wand or Homedics Massager.

I would also add a dual-purpose (vaginal and clitoral toy) to the mix. Since you haven’t cum before vaginally, I would stick with a rabbit-style product, instead of spending money on a more expensive toy. Take your time to see if you can find your G-Spot and notice how the sensations differ.

5. Does your mood or orgasmic ability change, depending on the toy you use? If you achieve a stronger orgasm with one toy over another, notice how you feel afterward. Are you more or less spent? Can you keep the toy on your clit and continue to cum?

Are there other things (candles, music, erotica literature or porn) that you can utilize to help keep you interested in the task at hand? Are you hornier at certain times during the month? (Women’s hormones peak during ovulation, which typically occurs 10-14 days after the start of your period.)

6. When you’re in a relationship next, experiment to see if you get a heightened sensation by mixing up the order of things. If sex isn’t comfortable after you cum from oral, have your man use fingers or his tongue to get you wet, but not to the point of cumming. Then, when he is inside you, use fingers or a small toy or cock ring to massage your clit. How is your orgasmic experience when you are cumming clitorally while your man is inside you?

7. There are so many types of lubrication because it’s useful! If you aren’t a fan of lube, you can also try to have your significant other wait a few minutes and then try to gently use his fingers, tongue or small toy on your clitoris and around your pussy. The goal doesn’t necessarily have to be to cum, but rather, to get you wet enough so it’s not uncomfortable for you to have sex. You might also try moving to the shower for sex after you orgasm or taking time for your body to relax while you give him a blow job as foreplay.

8. It’s worth noting that your knowledge of your body and orgasmic ability may vary with age. (There is debate within the sexual education community as to whether women really peak sexually at age 35.)

There’s no right or wrong here. Remember, though, that more doesn’t equal better. Experiment to see what turns you on and have fun with that process!

So, readers, what tips do you have for my dear virtual friend?

Why didn’t I blog in real time?

A friend, Lisa, approached me and said the following:

A lot of people don't get your blog.

Misty: What's not to get? [I nod my head.]

Lisa: You don't blog in real time.

Me [with a confused expression on my face]: So?

Misty: She's a storyteller.

Lisa: Well, I get it, which is why I read it so you don't have to convince me….But, 8 people — in PR and Marketing — have come up to me recently and talked about how you don't blog in real time. They don't understand it.

Me: What is there really to understand? It's not that cryptic.

Lisa: You have to have noticed that some of your commenters have been frustrated with the same thing and how you write about things that happened a few months ago.

Me: Yes, I've noticed. But, I just kept telling the story, and it seems by the numbers of hits that I've received that people keep reading.

Lisa: But, I bet that you could quadruple your hits if you blogged in real time.

Me: Really? With the amount of hits I've gotten recently? I doubt that.

Lisa: But, you need to blog in real time if you want to be a successful blogger.

Misty: But, she doesn't want to be a successful blogger.

[I nod my head in agreement. And, yes, folks, Misty is right. If I can turn my blog into something more professionally in the next year, I will. If not, I'll go back to representing my clients since I miss my clients.]

Lisa: You are a blogger now, though. And, you've used social media to promote your blog. You've said that. [I nod.] Social media and Twitter are about getting information in real-time, and you're not blogging in that manner.

A longer discussion ensued, but it got me thinking about what I do and how I do it.

Why don't I blog in real-time?

1. I didn't start blogging in real-time.

My friends have been telling me for years to write down my guy stories. When I broke up with Lawyer Boy at the end of 2008, I had the time and the inclination to finally do that. I wasn't in a relationship at the time so I started writing about past events. Word-of-mouth about my blog grew, and I just kept on writing;

2. I'm a storyteller.

I see myself as a storyteller, rather than one who blogs about her day. Some events warrant several posts, while other quieter weeks don't warrant a mention. Misty commented that some days I would just be writing, "Didn't go out on a date. Didn't have sex." I love my life, but the rest of my life doesn't always make for a good read;

3. Would I be able to date in a small city like DC if I did blog in real time?

I don't think so, and Lisa and Misty both agreed with me on this point. Why is that? DC is small. Lilliputian small. If guys knew that whatever happened that night would appear in a post the following day, I doubt that many guys would want to date me. By not blogging in real time, I also can see if a relationship evolves.

For instance, last Thursday night, I met four guys. I'm currently exchanging e-mails with three of them. I don't know if I'll end up dating any of them, though, so is it really worth describing our first encounters or e-mails on my blog? There might not be a story there since I don't know if any of them will amount to more than just a guy I met at a event. Who knows if a casual encounter is blog-worthy?

That also raises another issue. I just admitted that I'm in contact with four guys from last week. All of them have access to my blog. What if by the sheer fact that I met other guys that night, I lose the chance to go out with the guy with whom I'm the most compatible?

In a similar vein, in the past week, I've been in contact with Philly Matt, The Baron, JAG Man (yes, he's back, too), and Mr. Executive. Out of that group, I could see seriously dating two of them. (No, I'm not saying which two right now.) If I put every detail in real time about my interactions with them and feelings about them, then I might miss out on the opportunity to spend time with each of them individually and see what happens next.

If you know me, you realize that I don't engage in casual sex. (I've had a single one-night stand in a decade.) But, I do believe that a double standard exists in the dating arena. I'm trying to explore my options respectfully. Real-time blogging wouldn't allow me to do that without feeling like all the guys on deck were watching over my shoulders. Writing my stories down the next day might also spark jealousy and resentment or cause a guy to act uncharacteristically.

4. Do you really want real-time?

I have this vision of my man behind me and my laptop in front of me. In that scenario, I'd be blogging as my man is having sex with me. The title of that post would be: Is This Enough Real-Time For You?

Sex and love don't always follow a story arc, and my stories are detailed and explore things from every angle. As "real" as I am in my blog, I think that "real time" would detract from my posts.

Mr. Executive also made a good point that if I was to blog in real-time, then I would need to have an itinerary before every post. He joked:

So…are we going to have sex, watch a movie or get in a fight tonight? I need to figure out what I'm going to write about next.

I prefer to let whatever happens happen organically and then write about it after I've had time to digest it. And, yes, I realize that I was blogging about the end of my relationship with "Buckeyes" Boy three months after we had split up. But, I have to believe that my readers (and not just my friends) care about me as a person. I don't know emotionally if I would have been able to handle writing about everything as I was going through it with "Buckeyes" Boy. I also wouldn't have done well with all the criticism in the moment. Isn't it better that my relationship with "Buckeyes" Boy ended as it was meant to, rather than by a huge fight over the comments that he read or something I put in a post?

5. What else should I do?

I initially started to write down my stories just for me. But, now, I'm writing for a larger audience. I feel guilty when I don't blog for a few days in a row. My readers are invested in my stories, and I don't want to disappoint. Many of you have shown me by your comments, Tweets and e-mails that you care about me. I feel that, and I want to give the same back at you!

Isn't the purpose of social media to exchange information to a broader audience through the Internet? And, isn't that what I'm doing? Yes, social media provides news and information in real time, but whether or not I have sex with a guy isn't news; it's entertainment for my friends and readers.

Social media has grown in every sense of the word because it isn't formulaic, and it's constantly being used in new and visionary ways. It's ironic to me that I've received criticism (albeit through a third-party) that I have used social media in a way that it wasn't intended to be used. Who defines the norm in an ever-changing market to infinite consumers? More accurately, does there need to be a norm? Isn't the beauty of social media that we all have the power to create and exchange personal and professional information over the Internet in whatever manner we choose?

I'm not cooking one recipe a day to blog about it. Likewise, I'm not sleeping with or dating one guy a day to prove a point. That's not my love life as an adult, and it's not my writing style.

I've always done it my way (that was the title of my autobiography back in 6th grade), and I blog like I fuck (out of the box). I'm a storyteller and an advice-giver, and I'm just going to keep on writing. xoxo

So…what are your thoughts? How do you define "successful blogger?"

Your questions answered

I’ve received a lot of questions about “Buckeyes” Boy over the past month. I thought I could tie up a few loose ends by answering them.

1. Have I seen “Buckeyes” Boy since December 1st?

Yes, actually. I saw him at a tech event last month. I RSVP-ed at the last possible moment so I don’t know if he knew that I would be there, but I knew that he would.

I wasn’t sure if seeing him would trigger anything. But, my heart didn’t beat fast, I didn’t cry, and I didn’t have the desire to jump on the bar, point at him and sing the Eastern Motors jingle. (For you out-of-towners, click on this to see the worst commercial in history. For you locals, I’m sorry if I got the jingle in your head, but my friends and I all sing this when “Buckeyes” Boy’s name comes up in conversation. Yes, my girls and I are wrong.)

Seeing “Buckeyes” Boy reminded me of what a fine man he is. But, unlike many of my past ex-boyfriends, I have absolutely no desire to hook up with him again…ever. I’ve seen what’s on the inside, and that’s far from fine.

That night, I had decided that I would exchange pleasantries with “Buckeyes” Boy, if he approached me. But, he avoided me like the plague. When he walked past me at the end of the night like there was a fire, I laughed out loud.

2. How was I emotionally able to write about this the past couple of month?

Good question. It wasn’t easy, but it was cathartic. I think my writing style is a benefit and a detriment when it comes to posts about conflict or break ups. I’ve been blessed with a great memory, and when I write, I take myself back to that time. I try to remember every detail and my emotions so I can write about the experience accurately.

With that said, if I wrote about a time when “Buckeyes” Boy’s actions or inactions made me cry in the past, I was at my laptop crying in the present. It was tough to relive that, especially given how blunt the comments to those posts were. But, I also realized how strong I am.

3. Am I really okay?

Yes! I’m far happier now than I was during the last half of my relationship with “Buckeyes” Boy. All these great things started happening to me right after he handed me back the keys to my place (personally, professionally and educationally). A weight was lifted off of my shoulders, and I felt like all the blessings that I was receiving were affirming signs from above that I shouldn’t be with him.

4. Is “Buckeyes” Boy, [his real name]?

I’m NOT posting his real name or Twitter handle on my blog or Twitter feed. Period. In my mind, that wouldn’t be fair since I don’t post my real info on here.

If you are able to put two and two together, I’m happy to tell you discreetly under the condition that information from this blog will NOT appear on his Twitter feed, or be broached with him at an event or at his workplace.

Yes, he played me. Yes, I blogged about it. But, I trust that karma and “Buckeyes” Boy’s lies will take care of the rest.

In the past week, several people have contacted me, realizing that “Buckeyes” Boy had lied to them, too (in personal and professional settings). DC is a small city, and the DC Twitter community is even smaller. For instance, it might not be the best thing to tell the woman who is handling my PR and a recruiter that you’re Canadian…when you’re not.

5. Do I think “Buckeyes” Boy cheated on me?

I don’t honestly know. And, I doubt I’ll ever know, unless someone else contacts me after this post. I knew that I needed to get STD testing done in mid-November after he revealed how he will go out to bars to look for one-night stands instead of masturbating, and I did just that. (Thankfully, all is well on that front.)

Plus, the boy lied to me and manipulated me for months. If he put his cock inside some other girl, would it hurt me? Sure. I’m human. But, does it really change anything? No.

6. What would I say if I knew “Buckeyes” Boy was reading this?

When we were together, we talked on quite a few occasions about how we hoped our mothers were looking down on us from heaven. We hoped that they had met and that they could see how happy we were together. I know that my Mom is looking down on me now and is proud of how I handled myself during our relationship. Can your Mom look down on you and say the same?

Oh, I found your Match profile. (He reinstated an old profile the first week in December. I had a vibe and used an old password to check.) Here are my friendly recommendations:

a. Change your profile picture to what you use on Foursquare or crop the photo of you and Paul from your friend’s birthday. The current picture makes you look like you have a gut, which you don’t. Your best features are your smile and arms. Pick a photo that shows them off;

b. There’s no need to lie about places you’ve traveled to or college athletics. Those lines aren’t necessary at your age; and

c. Be straight about what you are looking for. You are not looking “to connect with someone mind, body and soul.” DC is a city with many career-oriented women. Just say something like, “I have a demanding job that I love and little time for a relationship. If you’re in a similar place and looking for companionship, please send me an e-mail.”

I’m happy to answer other questions about this or anything else, but I hope to leave Buckeyes Boy behind this week and moving on to sex questions and The Baron! xoxo

The reveal

It was New Year’s Eve. My hair was done, and I had my party dress on. I had Tweeted that I was heading to Georgetown for dinner and then drinks at L2 Lounge. All that was left was to feed my dog, Nutter, and I was off to ring in 2010. My phone vibrated, and I thought it was another BBM from Misty, but it was an e-mail…from “Buckeyes” Boy.

I was simultaneously infuriated that he was writing me after I had asked him not to contact me and curious as to what he had to say at this point. He wrote:

I know you asked that I not contact you and I will certainly not do so beyond this email. I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry for any way in which I’ve hurt you or mislead you. You deserved more and because of me got much less.

Thank you for being you and the wonderfully sweet, thoughtful, caring, and all around amazing person you are. I hate using such a dated cliche, but it wasn’t you, it was me. I noticed the way I was responding to what you needed or by the way you phrased certain questions. It hit me that I wasn’t really able to handle the relationship that you needed. Whether that be because of the new job or time or whatever, it wasn’t enough for you and I could feel that.

In the end, it should have been communicated to you differently and more respectfully than the way it ultimately played out. Whether you believe me or not, I did not pack my things with the knowledge that I was not coming back.

On the eve of a new year, let me again say I’m sorry and I wish you nothing but happiness and success in all things you do in 2010 and beyond. You deserve nothing less….

Me

***

I sat on my kitchen floor with tears in my eyes and called Misty.

Me: Why the hell would he do this to me on New Year’s Eve?

Misty: Because he’s a manipulator.

Me: Why is he still signing our e-mails as “Me?” It’s so not cute anymore.

Misty: Maybe he does that in all his e-mails? [We laugh.] Just let it go. We’re going to have fun tonight. Don’t let him spoil that for you.

Me: You’re right. Thanks. Can we meet in like 30 so I can regroup a little?

Misty: Of course.

I hung up with Misty and called my friend, Z.

Me: Why the hell would he do this to me on New Year’s Eve?

Z: He’s scared. He knows that you’re up to something since you haven’t indicated on Twitter or your blog that you’ve broken up and that you’re writing about this big news. He knows that you’re going to bust him.

Me: Yeah, that makes sense.

Z: He has a guilty conscience, too, and is probably realizing that he lost the best girlfriend he will ever have.

Me: Yeah, he did. [We laugh.]

And, then, Z and I started discussing about how insincere the e-mail was. If “Buckeyes” Boy really wanted to make amends, wouldn’t he have sent that note with a check for the parking tickets or an offer to come to an event at the Convention Center? But, he didn’t. He just wrote more of the same bull-shit.

My ex and close friend, Philly Matt, had a different take to why I heard from “Buckeyes” Boy on New Year’s Eve.

Philly Matt: Because he’s alone and doesn’t want to be.

It took me less than 30 minutes to realize that “Buckeyes” Boy’s e-mail changed NOTHING! He was a pathological liar and a guy who knowingly took advantage of my generosity. So, what did I do in response?

Just what he deserved…nothing!

So, yes, folks, my boyfriend really did break up with me on Twitter. He played me, and after the initial shock subsided, I decided to play the story. I was a 36-year-old who met her boyfriend through Twitter and got broken up with on Twitter. This was blog gold!

In writing up my little speech for my Blog Party at Black Finn last night, I realized that I ended up with a different kind of Twitter relationship story out of this experience, though. If it wasn’t for “Buckeyes” Boy, I never would have become active on the site…I never would have gone to my first Twitter Happy Hour…and I never would have met many of you whom I now call friends.

I can’t regret dating “Buckeyes” Boy because it led me here. I feel blessed to have so many wonderful friends through the Twitter and the blogging communities — both virtually and in real life. And, it looks like my blog might (fingers crossed) lead me in a new professional direction so I’m not returning to the law this year.

My relationship with “Buckeyes” Boy also taught me that I needed to put my goals first. This City Girl hopes to be a City Mom in a few years. I attended my first informational meeting about adoption earlier this year and plan to start the process in the spring. To say that I’m excited about adopting a little girl would be an understatement.

Thank you again to everyone who came to my party last night and all of you out there in the blogosphere who expressed your concern about my well-being! I appreciate your support more than words can adequately express! xoxo

Guess he needs a new nickname

I had sent an e-mail to Buckeyes Boy and felt comfortable taking the higher ground. We didn’t need to be friends per se, but we could be friendly and peacefully-coexist in the DC Twitter/Social Media community, right?

On December 4, 2009, I waited to hear back from Buckeyes Boy. That day, I also received an e-mail from a good friend, Ronny. He and his sister, Rhonda, were born on Ohio State’s campus and are huge Buckeyes fans. (For those of you who aren’t sports fans, a Buckeye is a nut and the state tree of Ohio. Ohio State’s athletic teams are “The Buckeyes,” after the state tree.)

Ronny mentioned that we should go out for drinks one night with his girlfriend and Buckeyes Boy. I told him that I’m happy to meet as a threesome, but that Buckeyes Boy had broken up with me on Twitter. As we were e-mailing back and forth, a thought crossed my mind that I might ask Ronny to do some reconnaissance for me.

“About what?” you might be wondering.

I wanted to find out whether Buckeyes Boy was really a Buckeye.

See…when Buckeyes Boy and I met [at the Twestival], a guy approached Buckeyes Boy and made a comment about the team.

Me: Did you go to Ohio State? [Buckeyes Boy nods.] Did you play at Ohio State? [He nods.] Varsity? [He nods.] Dayum! Your stock is rising!

Since then, he and I talked on numerous occasions about his experiences playing for Jim Tressel and what it felt like to be a college athlete at that level. His playing trajectory confused me a bit, though. He told me that he played for Coach Tressel at Youngstown State, then headed to Ohio State with Tressel, and then went back to Youngstown to finish his degree in four years. I wasn’t sure if that made sense, though, for the following reasons:

1. I did a Google search and didn’t find anything under Buckeyes Boy’s name and Ohio State. Maybe if he just went to school there wouldn’t be anything, but I couldn’t find any entries when I searched with “Buckeyes” or “Football” either. Since Ohio State Football is one of the biggest programs in the US, that seemed odd to me.

2. He wasn’t a friend with anyone from Ohio State on Facebook, and there weren’t any pictures of his playing football after high school. Wouldn’t he at least be friends with a former teammate or groupie, or have been tagged in a photo or two?

3. I also couldn’t find any information on Google or Facebook that indicated that he played for Youngstown’s varsity football team. YSU won the D-IAA Championship in 1997 so for a small school, the football program is anything but. Buckeyes Boy claimed that he graduated in 2000 from Youngstown, and I found one Google entry to indicate that he worked on a project at Youngstown during college. But, a search of the three years of late 1990s football rosters at YSU that I could find didn’t bring up his name.

4. Aren’t there transfer rules that would’ve made it impossible for him to graduate in four years if he kept bouncing between schools?

I briefly shared my suspicions with Ronny, and as I had hoped, he was on the case. And, as any good Buckeyes fan would say:

I know the names of everybody that even considered playing for the Buckeyes, even the walk-ons. I know where they went to high school, what they’re majoring in, and whether or not they’re going to class (I’m obsessed). If he played there in the last 15 years, I’d know him.

***

An hour later, I received this e-mail from Ronny:

If it makes you feel any better, I can’t find on him a single roster for OSU going all the way back to 1990. Tressel started coaching OSU in 2001, and since he’s 32, he would’ve had to been in college 7- 8 years to have played for him at OSU (the math just doesn’t add up). Either way, I’m sorry it didn’t work out. You deserve much MUCH better. Of all the schools to make up a story about, boy did he pick the wrong one…LOL…

***

Why would someone lie about playing college football to people at a Twitter charity event…and then to your own girlfriend? I started to wonder:

If Buckeyes Boy had lied about that, what else had he lied about?

And, if Buckeyes Boy isn’t a Buckeye, then what do I call him now?

New strategies

"Buckeyes" Boy hadn't paid for his parking tickets. He hadn't unblocked me from Twitter. He hadn't found an hour or two in almost three weeks to actually break up with me in person! We had been living together for almost three months! What kind of person treats someone like this?

But now, he hoped I was well and thought, "we definitely need to catch up…if we're going to try and be friends…[or] for closure." (Huh. Ya think? Isn't actually talking in person a key component in Adult Break Ups 101?) And, he was still signing his e-mails to me as "Me." Me? Seriously?!? What used to be adorable was now just patronizing!

I forwarded his latest e-mail to several friends. Their responses varied from "ignore" to "hear what he has to say" to "if he pays you for the tickets first, then you'll talk to him." I wasn't sure what I wanted to do so I kept my reply brief:

When and where are you thinking?

***

"Buckeyes" Boy went back and forth for a few brief e-mails and decided on that Sunday evening after work at a bar or restaurant between his office and my place. I wasn't sure if I could be friends with him after all he put me through, but I did want to hear what he had to say for himself.

My strategy for when we got together would be as follows:

1. Let him speak;

2. Without responding to anything he said (aside from nodding my head and the occasional "hmm"), present him with a folder with all the information that I've gathered inside. (And, yes, the anal-retentive lawyer in me would have an index and the documents divided by tabs.) Ask him if he cared to comment; and

3. Inform him that I was going to be blogging about all of this and that it would be my own personal mission to make sure that he didn't treat any other girl in the DC Twitter and Social Media community the way that he had treated me.

"Buckeyes" Boy and I had arranged to meet on December 22nd, but the Blizzard of '09 put a wrench in our plans. He let me know early in the morning that the Convention Center was closed that day. I thanked him for giving me a heads up, but sighed to myself in relief. I realized that I was happy that we weren't meeting. Why was I feeling that way?

I slept on it to give myself time to process, and when I awoke, the answer was clear to me:

I had absolutely no desire to see him. He was a master manipulator, and I didn't want to sit in front of him and get dragged deeper into his web of lies. What was the point?

I exhaled deeply and sent him the following e-mail:

It's clear that you knew you were never coming back to my place when you packed up all of your stuff. Given that we had talked about our relationship problems on numerous occasions before that, I wish you had just been straight with me about your plan.

I opened my heart and my home to you. I celebrated your successes and took care of you when you were sick. I paid for everything for you for 2 1/2 months to my own financial detriment. By choosing to end things how you did, you disrespected me.

I found out over the past two weeks that you have lied to me about several matters. I can't be friends with someone who takes advantage of me and lies to me.

I also don't see the point to talk to get closure. Please don't contact me again.

***

With that e-mail, I let the majority of my anger and sadness go. The guy I fell in love with didn't exist so how could I miss him? I trusted that he would respect my wishes, and that our story would end with that e-mail.

And, it did…

until 9pm…

on New Year's Eve.

Get me off of this ride!

So, “Buckeyes” Boy lied to me — and several other members of the DC Twitter community — about where he went to school and played college football. He also lied to me about his phone being broken. I felt like I was on a roller coaster since I didn’t know what I would encounter at the next bend!

It was late on Friday, December 4, 2009. After four days of not officially knowing if “Buckeyes” Boy had blocked me from Twitter or if it was a computer glitch, I finally clicked on the “Follow” tab. He had told me that he had wanted to be friends and that he never blocked me so maybe…just maybe…he hadn’t.

It only took two seconds for the following message to appear on my laptop screen:

This user has blocked you from following his Tweets.

I had felt unappreciated during the last half of my relationship with “Buckeyes” Boy, but now, I just felt used. That feeling only magnified later that evening when I went into the second bathroom to get some toothpaste. (Since I had two bathrooms, I kept my toiletries in the master bathroom, and “Buckeyes” Boy stored his stuff in the second bathroom.) I looked everywhere for it, and it was gone.

I started looking around for other stuff: the Body Shop products that Barla had gotten me for my birthday that were on the vanity; the moisturizers that I had bought “Buckeyes” Boy (one to bring to his Dad’s place and one to keep at our place); the package of hand sanitizers that I had bought for both of us; and the shower gel in the second bathroom. They were…

All

Gone!

The boy couldn’t afford his own toothpaste?!? What was I a fucking hotel? And, who could I contact about the fact that Buckeyes Boy had never paid his bill?

I saw on Twitter that “Buckeyes” Boy was out that night at a bar not too far from my place. (For those of you not on Twitter, being blocked isn’t the same on Twitter as it is on Facebook. I can still see his news feed if I go to his page. I just can’t send him a message.)

For a second, I thought of going to the bar to see him. I was so infuriated that he would treat me this way! But then, I realized that I didn’t want to be “that” chick. Yes, I had been wronged, but I didn’t need to act like a psycho.

The following morning, I was walking Nutter and ran into my neighbor, Crystal, for the first time since before Thanksgiving. Since she had met “Buckeyes” Boy and is a friend, I updated her on recent events. After making sure that I was okay, she asked:

Would you like me to run a security report on him?

Me: Really? [She nods.] Would that be a lot of trouble?

Crystal: Of course not. We do these all the time. Just send me whatever information you have on him, and I’ll let you know when we get the report back. Do you have all your jewelry and antiques? [I nod.] Good. Make sure you change your locks and all your passwords on your computer.

Me: Well, he gave me the keys back.

Crystal: Better to be safe than sorry.

Me: You’re right. Thank you. [We hug.]

I changed all my passwords on my computer and scheduled a locksmith to come to my place on Monday. My mind was swirling. I was getting a security report on the man I loved. I was changing my passwords in case he thought to steal from me. “Buckeyes” Boy — the man who had lived with me, the man I had let inside mind, body and soul. This was really too much for me to process.

As if this all wasn’t enough, I received an e-mail from “Buckeyes” Boy that night in response to my last e-mail:

Hey,

I had no idea. Congratulations! I’ll have to make sure I read that post.

I want to apologize again for not meeting you the other night. I was so out of it before I left. I think we should absolutely still be friends. I’m thinking maybe tomorrow evening after work or on Tuesday night. I’ll get back to you to confirm.

***

Get me off of this ride! I think I’m going to be sick.

My own Lifetime movie

Was I disappointed when I found out that "Buckeyes" Boy had lied about playing football at Ohio State? Of course. But, I'm a glass half-full girl, and I tried to focus on the positive. Despite our problems and how he treated me, we were going to continue to run into each other at DC Twitter and Social Media events. I'm not one to hold grudges against my ex-boyfriends, and I wasn't about to change that now. I would take the higher ground.

On December 4, 2009, my friend, Carly, and I went out to dinner at Notti Bianche before heading to Arlington for Kayla's housewarming party. On the ride out, I told her what Ronny had found.

Carly: I checked, too, and couldn't find anything with "Buckeyes" Boy's name and either Ohio State or Youngstown.

Me: You did?

Carly: Yeah, out of curiosity. [We laugh.] I think he's lying about the phone, too. I have an iPhone and don't think there's a sim card inside.

Me: I Googled that and apparently there is.

Carly: I still think that was his number.

Me: Well, I could check.

Carly: How?

Me: There are these sites where you can pay to find out the owner of a cell phone number. Should I do that?

Carly: How much would that cost?

Me: Like five or ten dollars.

Carly: Do it.

I had fun at the party, and a lot of my girlfriends commented how good I looked. A few of them seemed surprised that I was okay.

Me: I wanted to know where this [my relationship with "Buckeyes" Boy] and now I do. I don't regret how I handled it or what I've learned. And now, I can get back to focusing on my goals.

A guy at the party sat down to talk to me, but I soon realized that I wasn't interested in exchanging information. I had made plans for brunch with Stanford Man for this coming Sunday, and that was about all I could handle right now.

When I got home, I turned on my computer and went onto Intelius.com. I input the cell phone number that "Buckeyes" Boy had used to text Carly last month. As the site was processing my request, I thought of what "Buckeyes" Boy had e-mailed me a few days ago:

That was a temp sim card I had from a friend's other at&t phone. I probably still have my vm message on there. I used it to try and fix my phone's issue. I had it the night she came to the event. I'm not trying to hurt you nor do I have other cell phones.

***

A window appeared on my computer that the report was ready. I exhaled and opened it.

Owner of Cell Phone Number: "Buckeyes" Boy

I started crying in front of my laptop. I had let this man live with me! I had bent over backward to make his life easier for almost three months, and he didn't even give me his new cell phone number?!? What the hell!

I wished that this bad Lifetime movie that had become my life would end.

But, it wouldn't. Not yet at least…

Wheel of emotions

I awoke on the morning of December 3, 2009, with mixed emotions regarding Buckeyes Boy. Imagine a wheel like the one on Wheel of Fortune or The Price Is Right, but in lieu of the numbers on the wheel, there are emotions. Since Buckeyes Boy never came back to our place after Thanksgiving and blocked me from Twitter, I never knew when the wheel would spin, and what emotion I would feel when it stopped spinning.

Most of the times I was fine, feeling comforted that I knew Buckeyes Boy’s true colors. But then, the wheel would spin again, and I would start to cry when I smelled his cologne in the room where he would get ready. Or, the wheel would spin to “Anger,” as I looked at my budget and saw on paper how much he had taken advantage of me financially. Or, the wheel would spin to “Melancholy,” when something funny happened and I wished I could tell Buckeyes Boy.

It didn’t help that I decided to get back to writing about our relationship on my blog that week. On December 1, 2009, I ended up writing the post about my amazing first date with Buckeyes Boy back in September. That day was also the day when I went to pick up my keys from Buckeyes Boy at the Bardeo Twixer.

The following day, DC Blogs featured my Great First Date post on its homepage with this write-up by the eloquent Restaurant Refugee:

City Girl, who is a self-described “relationship and sex blogger,” writes about the first date with the gentleman who “If [he has] anything to say about it, will be the last guy she blogs about,” and what it felt like for her to agree.

I was thrilled to be highlighted on the site and have so many readers comment on that post. But, my heart was heavy. I felt like the wheel wouldn’t stop spinning. Buckeyes Boy was supposed to be The One! We planned our future together (something that I had never done with any guy before). And, now, I was trying to get him to find an hour or two in his schedule to unblock me from Twitter and sit down to actually break up with me in person like an adult. What the fuck had happened to the fairy tale?

On December 3rd, I wrote about our wonderful second date. Reminiscing about the past started to cloud my views of the present a bit since I was focusing on all that was great and blissful about the beginning of our relationship.

“Why was that?” you might be wondering.

Well, when I write my posts, I take myself back to that time in my life. I try to remember every detail: what I wore; what I said; my emotions; the weather; the food; how it felt to be touched; and anything else that comes to mind. If I recall that I cried tears of joy or tears of sadness at the time, I inevitably get tears in my eyes at my laptop as I’m writing about it. Reliving every little detail has proven to be cathartic or shown me that I was truly over [fill in the blank guy]. But with respect to Buckeyes Boy, writing about wonderful times from our past at the same time as we were breaking up made it tough to stay frustrated at him. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.

That night, I went with my girlfriends to mock service at Ris. If my friend, Ann, hadn’t included me in the invite to that delicious restaurant, I would have been at Tech Cocktail DC with some of my Twitter friends (who also happened to be friends with Buckeyes Boy). When I got home from Ris, I logged onto Twitter and saw pictures of the event…and Buckeyes Boy.

I went to bed, thinking to myself:

I’m the only one who can stop the wheel of emotions, and I need to do that for my own well-being. I need to let this — us — go. I was the bigger person during our relationship and I could be the bigger person during our break-up.

I woke up the following morning, and I was no longer sad, angry or confused. I sent Buckeyes Boy the following e-mail:

I’m not sure if you know that I wrote a post on Tuesday about our first date. It got featured on DC Blog’s homepage, and 1,200(!) hits in 48 hours later, it’s the most popular outgoing link on the site.

In my opinion, life is way too short and this town is way too small to carry any resentments toward each other. I’d like to think that we can get past this current mode and find a way to be friends on some level. I hope that you’ll make some time in your schedule over the next few days for us to talk.

***

The wheel spun ever so slightly until it landed on “Calm.”

But…would it stay there?

Mounds of frustration

I left Buckeyes Boy on December 1, 2009, with his set of keys to our my place in my hands. I waited for tears to form in my eyes, but they didn’t. I drove off to Muleh on 14th Street to meet Misty at the fashion show after party.

While I was there talking to Misty, a woman approached us and said:

Tall redhead. I could use you.

I didn’t know to what she was referring so I introduced myself. Misty recognized my confused expression and commented:

That’s my agent.

The woman then told me that she owns a very successful modeling agency in DC. I was giddy that she thought I could do runway shows for several reasons (I’m 36, curvy and the girl who got made fun of growing up for being so unattractive).

At the end of the night, Misty and I headed back to my place.

Me: Do you really think she [the agent] wants to talk to me about modeling? [Misty nods.] You know who I really want to share the news with? [Pause.] Buckeyes Boy. I wonder if it’s possible to be friends on some level. And, I wonder if he would stay over tomorrow night. We don’t want the same things relationship-wise, but can’t we at least get some great break-up sex out of it? [For all that was wrong with our relationship, the sex was always very right.]

Misty and I discussed a few ideas as to what I could say to him and I decided to send him this e-mail:

Hope you enjoyed the rest of your night and that your cold is long gone by the time you wake up!

Good call to talk after work tomorrow night. Regardless of what we discuss, you’re welcome to spend the night if you want.

Hit me up tomorrow.

***

I didn’t hear from him during the day, but I used that time to work on thesis. I also spoke with three girlfriends and made a “Cheat Sheet” of topics to bring up during my conversation with Buckeyes Boy. I didn’t mind sleeping with him (in fact, I really wanted him in my ass), but I knew that he could be very manipulative. I didn’t want to fall prey to that yet again. What did I want out of our conversation?

1. To get the money for the parking tickets;

2. To have him un-block me from Twitter. If it was really a glitch, then that shouldn’t be a problem;

3. To figure out whether or not that 867 number was his cell phone;

4. To have him send me the many naked photos he had taken of me and us (I didn’t mind that he had the pictures since my face wasn’t in any of them, but I didn’t like the idea that he had them and I didn’t. Hey, we all have our things); and

5. To let him know how disrespected I felt. It seemed clear that he used me when it was convenient for him and then kicked me to the curb once he was more settled in DC. For someone who stressed communication, he should have looked me in the face and just ended it before he headed to Georgia. Instead, he pretended that he was coming back, which added insult to injury.

I didn’t know if he would ever grasp how poorly he treated me when we dated, but I thought it was possible that I could convey to him how poorly he handled the past week. I had asked him on several occasions if his feelings had changed and if I was a relationship of convenience like his old girlfriend from Charlotte. He should have just said yes and saved us both the time and energy.

At almost 8pm on the 2nd, I finally heard from Buckeyes Boy:

Sorry I didn’t catch up with you until now. I have no idea where the day went. Thank you for the kind gesture of staying there tonight. I actually have to grab my sister tonight after she finishes work. I was hoping you could meet me closer my way in an hour if that’s possible? Let me know your thoughts.

Me

***

For the next 30 minutes, we exchanged several e-mails about exactly where we should meet at 9pm. I suggested Brasserie Beck since it was a close walk from the Convention Center, I could easily find parking, and we both could hear ourselves talk there. I was sitting on my couch waiting for him to confirm that the plan worked for him, when this message appeared in my in box at 8:45pm:

My eyes are closing as we speak. I’m really sorry. I’m just really out of it. I wanted to talk to you tonight instead of yesterday for obvious reasons. I just don’t want to be rude and not be attentive. I hate to say another night….

***

I screamed at my laptop, “You are fucking kidding me?!?”

I sent him the following e-mails within two minutes:

Please don’t do this to me again via e-mail. I have my coat on and am ready to go.

Sorry — sent too soon. I appreciate that work is crazy and you are fighting a cold, but please show me some respect here and at least call.

***

I was livid! He was doing this to me – again! Who treats someone this way? I felt like he stomped on my heart, spit in my face, and now was kicking me in the gut. I texted several friends, and the gist of their responses was that Buckeyes Boy was a loser/fucker/pussy/chump. No one seemed surprised that he didn’t follow through with our plans.

I picked up the phone to call Julie to vent:

I just want this over with! Dragging this out is just making it worse!

She reminded me that I couldn’t force him to meet and that it might be a more productive conversation if we met another time. While we were on the phone, I received another e-mail from Buckeyes Boy:

You know what… I’m not even at my desk and while I had a moment running around getting wi-fi, I was trying to make plans. Respect the fact that I’m at work and I’m even trying…

I also thought you were still at home replying to emails, trying to make plans. Not standing there ready to go.

***

Seriously?!? Yet again, it was always all about him! And, I was supposed to respect that he was trying to make plans while at work? Ooh – what’s next? Giving him points for his creative crayon drawing! He was almost 32-years-old and managed hundreds of people at the Convention Center; he should be able to multi-task! I still did want to give him a piece of my mind and get my money, though. I responded:

Get that you are at work and that it’s tough to e-mail/call. But, please also try to see this from perspective. You had said 9pm and I didn’t want to hold either of us up so at 8:40, I made sure I was ready to go so I could jump in the car when you said where.

If you aren’t up for talking tonight, I’m obviously not going to force you to do so. But, I would have made other plans if we weren’t going out. (I’ve really tried not to stay home alone this week since it’s been tough for me.)

***

Buckeyes Boy wrote back a few minutes later:

I mean, I understand it’s not easy and this is not what I hoped to do tonight. However, I’d hate for you to make your way out and me fade in and out in front of you. I apologize for disrupting any other plans you might have made.

***

I sent him an e-mail with a few suggestions as to other times for us to meet later in the week. To say I was frustrated with him and the situation would be an understatement.

Yesterday, I had wanted to sleep with him one last time. Now, I just wanted to take my money and run.

***

So…I have a lot of juicy stuff to write about before my blog party at Black Finn DC this Tuesday, March 9th. If you are in DC, please come. I’m also using the evening to raise money for Global Giving’s Save the Children’s project in Haiti so please donate if you can.

I’m trying to decide if I should do small posts throughout the day tomorrow or just one really long jammed-packed post. What would you prefer? Comment, text or Tweet. xoxo