I awoke on the morning of December 3, 2009, with mixed emotions regarding Buckeyes Boy. Imagine a wheel like the one on Wheel of Fortune or The Price Is Right, but in lieu of the numbers on the wheel, there are emotions. Since Buckeyes Boy never came back to our place after Thanksgiving and blocked me from Twitter, I never knew when the wheel would spin, and what emotion I would feel when it stopped spinning.
Most of the times I was fine, feeling comforted that I knew Buckeyes Boy’s true colors. But then, the wheel would spin again, and I would start to cry when I smelled his cologne in the room where he would get ready. Or, the wheel would spin to “Anger,” as I looked at my budget and saw on paper how much he had taken advantage of me financially. Or, the wheel would spin to “Melancholy,” when something funny happened and I wished I could tell Buckeyes Boy.
It didn’t help that I decided to get back to writing about our relationship on my blog that week. On December 1, 2009, I ended up writing the post about my amazing first date with Buckeyes Boy back in September. That day was also the day when I went to pick up my keys from Buckeyes Boy at the Bardeo Twixer.
The following day, DC Blogs featured my Great First Date post on its homepage with this write-up by the eloquent Restaurant Refugee:
City Girl, who is a self-described “relationship and sex blogger,” writes about the first date with the gentleman who “If [he has] anything to say about it, will be the last guy she blogs about,” and what it felt like for her to agree.
I was thrilled to be highlighted on the site and have so many readers comment on that post. But, my heart was heavy. I felt like the wheel wouldn’t stop spinning. Buckeyes Boy was supposed to be The One! We planned our future together (something that I had never done with any guy before). And, now, I was trying to get him to find an hour or two in his schedule to unblock me from Twitter and sit down to actually break up with me in person like an adult. What the fuck had happened to the fairy tale?
On December 3rd, I wrote about our wonderful second date. Reminiscing about the past started to cloud my views of the present a bit since I was focusing on all that was great and blissful about the beginning of our relationship.
“Why was that?” you might be wondering.
Well, when I write my posts, I take myself back to that time in my life. I try to remember every detail: what I wore; what I said; my emotions; the weather; the food; how it felt to be touched; and anything else that comes to mind. If I recall that I cried tears of joy or tears of sadness at the time, I inevitably get tears in my eyes at my laptop as I’m writing about it. Reliving every little detail has proven to be cathartic or shown me that I was truly over [fill in the blank guy]. But with respect to Buckeyes Boy, writing about wonderful times from our past at the same time as we were breaking up made it tough to stay frustrated at him. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.
That night, I went with my girlfriends to mock service at Ris. If my friend, Ann, hadn’t included me in the invite to that delicious restaurant, I would have been at Tech Cocktail DC with some of my Twitter friends (who also happened to be friends with Buckeyes Boy). When I got home from Ris, I logged onto Twitter and saw pictures of the event…and Buckeyes Boy.
I went to bed, thinking to myself:
I’m the only one who can stop the wheel of emotions, and I need to do that for my own well-being. I need to let this — us — go. I was the bigger person during our relationship and I could be the bigger person during our break-up.
I woke up the following morning, and I was no longer sad, angry or confused. I sent Buckeyes Boy the following e-mail:
I’m not sure if you know that I wrote a post on Tuesday about our first date. It got featured on DC Blog’s homepage, and 1,200(!) hits in 48 hours later, it’s the most popular outgoing link on the site.
In my opinion, life is way too short and this town is way too small to carry any resentments toward each other. I’d like to think that we can get past this current mode and find a way to be friends on some level. I hope that you’ll make some time in your schedule over the next few days for us to talk.
The wheel spun ever so slightly until it landed on “Calm.”
But…would it stay there?