Stef Woods

Changing my ways

My birthday was behind me. Philly Matt had gone back home. Mr. Exec was trying to reach out, but after he had failed to be there for me following my concussion, my interest in him had waned.

April 2010 brought some unexpected intrigue into my life, though, when I met Dutch Boy at an embassy event. He wasn’t my normal type. Picture a nice-looking white guy, 5’11” with a very lean build. Dutch Boy is a scientist, doing a fellowship at the National Institutes of Health. He loved sports and writing so we had some shared interests, but that normally wouldn’t be enough to pique my interest.

What did attract me to Dutch Boy then? He oozed sex. He wasn’t particularly sexy, and yet, he had that indefinable magnetism. I commented as much to my girlfriend in the ladies’ room, and she heartily concurred. I tried not to monopolize Dutch Boy’s time at the event, but I wanted to converse with him as much as I could.

After talking to Dutch Boy for 30 minutes, I learned two unfortunate things:

Dutch Boy was returning to Amsterdam in a month…

And he had a girlfriend back home.

We exchanged information and contacted each other that weekend, keeping all of our correspondence casual. Dutch Boy and I alluded in our emails to seeing each other again – without throwing out a time or place. I wanted to get to know him better, but I also didn’t want to complicate my life. He was moving back home, and he had an old girlfriend there. (For once, I made the right call! For once!)

Three days later, I sat down to meditate. When I was done meditating, I came out of the session with one strong thought in my head:

I’m supposed to contact Improv Boy and go out with him.

“Improv Boy?!?” I asked myself with a baffled expression on my face.

What was my subconscious trying to tell me? I didn’t want to go out with Improv Boy last month, which is why I stopped corresponding with him. He wasn’t my type at all, but maybe it was time to think out of the box? It’s not like dating my type had been working out well for me.

I decided to send Improv Boy an email. I figured that I would answer the questions that he had asked me in his last email and invite him out to a small, informal Happy Hour. (He had repeatedly asked me out on dates in March, but I felt like that type of one-on-one activity was premature. A small get-together seemed like a better way to gauge if I wanted to go out with him.) I wrote:

Hi Improv Boy,

I know…it’s been a while. A lot has been going on with me (out-of-town, concussion, birthday and speech at an event), but that doesn’t excuse me from not being in touch.

How are you? I hope that you are doing well!

I’m an attorney, but I took time off to finish another degree. My thesis got approved in February, and now I’m pursuing some freelance writing. I miss my clients, but I’m keeping all options open.

You’ll have to tell me more about your possible new venture in person!

A few friends and I are going to watch the Caps game on Friday at Clyde’s. Any interest in joining us?

:), City Girl

The following morning, I heard from Improv Boy. He wrote about last night’s hockey game and indicated that he was free to come to the Happy Hour on Friday night. He also extended appropriate congratulations for my thesis approval and concern about my concussion.

We emailed each other once a day for the rest of the week. In one correspondence, he inquired as to my thesis topic. I gave a basic one-line response regarding my esoteric topic and was surprised when Improv Boy came back with follow-up questions. It took me a few minutes to realize that he had done some online research to learn more about the issue, which I found endearing.

I mentioned that to my friend, Julie, and said:

Improv Boy seems really nice, but I’m not sure if I’m attracted to him. He’s really funny, too…as one would hope since he’s a comedian. Maybe if I don’t like him, Autumn might?

Julie: You invited a guy to Happy Hour to fix him up with your friend?

Me [laughing]: Well, who knows? I’m trying not to over-think things like I normally do.

Happy Hour with Improv Boy and my friends was set. And, the following night, I would be at another embassy event — with Dutch Boy.

This month was looking up!

The Elite Elise

When it comes to sex toys, Lelo products are the creme de la creme! The Swedish company was established in 2003 with one key objective: to create sex toys of better quality, function, and design than any others on the market. After trying out the Lelo Elise for the past two weeks, I say: Mission Accomplished!

Lotus Blooms is a certified LELO dealer in the DC metropolitan area. The Elise is Lelo's biggest toy, and at first glance, it's a bit intimidating. However, upon closer inspection, only 5" of this sleek 8" toy is insertable, and the width is a reasonable 1 ¼".

What's great about the Elise?

1. No batteries required! As is the norm for Lelo products, the Elise is rechargeable. A two-hour charge guarantees you four-hours of fun;

2. It's made of silky smooth, FDA-approved, body friendly silicone. (Just don't use silicone lubricant with the Elise or else it might get tacky in texture.);

3. There are two pleasure points in the vibrator. One is at the top of the toy, and the other is toward the base. There are also five levels of intensity and five speeds (consistent vibrations, just the tip, just the base, a pulsating vibration, and a whirring vibration). This toy has a lot of options so you can adjust based on your own needs and preferences;

4. This toy is very quiet, even at its highest vibrations. You won't have to worry about anyone knowing what you are up to;

5. It's intense. Correction, very intense. Whether on your clit or inside for G-Spot stimulation, the Elise will have you orgasming every single time. There's a reason why this is Lelo's premier product;

6. It's perfect for travel. The Hitachi Magic Wand is many women's favorite toy, but a plug-in product is not convenient to pack and might not work overseas. The Elise is almost as powerful and much more discrete and versatile. You can fully charge it before your trip and put the toy in lock mode so there's no need to worry about your luggage vibrating; and

7. The Elise also works with your partner. Want a toy to help finish the job after sex or to help increase the sensations during oral sex? Care to bring something out for a mutual masturbation session? This toy can do all that and more! It's very effective, quiet and easy to pull out and just use (no batteries, cords or attachments involved).

Can you use this toy anally?

The Elise isn't designed for anal use. Nonetheless, this toy is very popular with male customers at Lotus Blooms. Guys and girls, if you are trying the Elise in your ass, please keep a strong grip on the base of the toy so that it doesn't get lost inside you! Or, ask your partner to lend a hand ;).

As an anal toy, the Elise provides a very fulfilling experience, given its size and intensity. Since this toy is large and powerful, start at the lowest, constant vibration to make sure that you don't lose your grip or overwhelm yourself.

What didn't I love about the Elise?

1. I found the controls to be confusing. How confusing? I had to break out the instruction manual to actually figure out what the buttons meant.

The circle on the bottom of the Elise has four markings. If you're not a fan of instruction manuals, the + sign at 3 o'clock on the circle turns the vibrator on. You can press the + sign four times to keep increasing the intensity of the vibrations. To decrease the intensity of the vibrations, press the – sign at the 9 o'clock spot. To vary the consistency of the vibrations or how much of the toy is pulsating, press the upward arrow at the 12 o'clock position. The negative arrow at the 6 o'clock position decreases the changes in vibrations, and a firm press in the center of the circle turns the vibrator off; and

2. The Elise could also be called the Elite, given its hefty price tag of $169. I appreciate that's quite a chunk of change, but this is a top of the line, multi-functional toy. If you have the money to spare, I'm sure you'll find this product to be a worthwhile investment!

If you're a newbie to a toy of this length or intensity, start on the lowest vibration and work your way up. If you're a toy aficionado, you'll appreciate the Elise's size, versatility and intensity.

How many squeals does this toy warrant? I'd give it a full Five (5) Squeals for clitoral and G-Spot stimulation for both beginners and experienced toy users. But, for anal use and price, I would give Three (3) Squeals. I'll average it out for a four (4) Squeal ranking, but picture those four squeals as very solid and very loud!

In accordance with FTC Guidelines, I received the Lelo Elise free of charge in exchange for my honest assessment of the product.

***
City Girl's Squeals of Approval Chart:

1 Squeal: Bad. This toy is not worth your money. Do not pass go! Do not pay $2, let alone $200.
2 Squeals: Slightly Sub-Par. You won't hate this toy, but you won't necessarily like it either.
3 Squeals: Average/Good. This toy might not be the most innovative or satisfying, but it serves its purpose.
4 Squeals: Very good. A strong sex toy with minimal negatives that will be part of your regular line-up.
5 Squeals: Great. No toy does it better!

Stage 1. Not so fun.

I've been thinking a lot about the different hats that I wear. I'm a relationship and sex blogger. I'm the in-house product reviewer for Dascha Boutique and a sexuality educator for Fascinations at Fun Love. I'm a non-practicing attorney who will still talk about the law ad nauseum and answer her former clients' calls at any hour of the day. I'm a sports fan, a dog lover, a cupcake and pizza fiend, a girly-girl, and an anal ambassador. And now, I'm a 37-year-old with breast cancer.

I don't want my cancer to define me, but for the past few weeks, cancer has dictated my schedule. I'm not looking for this blog to turn into a blog about cancer, but ignoring it is about as easy as ignoring "Buckeyes" Boy or any proverbial elephant in the room.

Since last I wrote about my diagnosis, I've had a few more tests, and the doctors have gathered some additional information. A second area of cancer was found so instead of DCIS non-invasive breast cancer, I now have Stage 1, invasive breast cancer.

This was still found early, and I know how lucky I am. But, the fact that there's now cancer in my breast tissue complicates things a bit. My surgery — originally scheduled for today — has been postponed. I need more biopsies this week and am waiting for results of the breast cancer gene test (BRCA) before I know the plan of attack.

I continue to feel my feelings as I need to without dwelling on them. And, I'm thankful for so many blessings, including my friends, great health care and early diagnosis. But, since I received the call from the doctor yesterday that the cancer is now in my breast tissue, I've wondered:

Will I lose my hair?

Even typing those words brings tears to my eyes. I admit it, I'm vain. I love my hair. What did "Buckeyes" Boy first notice about me? My hair! How did people on Twitter recognize me in real life even though I've never posted a picture of my face? By my hair! Why did the modeling agent think she could book me for work? Because I'm a tall redhead!

Is there a theme here?

Philly Matt told me this evening that he thinks I would be sexy if I was bald. And, I love him for that. But, it doesn't change the fact that seriously thinking about chemotherapy brings tears to my eyes. It's not a given that chemo will be the recommended course of treatment for me, but I don't like that it's even an option.

And, that's not the only thing that's on my mind:

A few weeks ago, I was on top of my man having sex and as he kissed my tits and sucked on my nipples, I thought to myself:

Will these be my breasts in a year?

I'm (thankfully) able to displace my emotions during sex, but later that night, I cried openly about that concern. My tits are a part of me and are inextricably linked to my sexuality. I don't want to lose them, and I'd much prefer to keep my big naturals than trade them in for a shiny, perky pair. Mastectomies might not be the recommended course of action for me, but again, I don't even like the option!

I didn't write this post to be Debbie Downer or make any of you worry. I realize that cancer won't keep me down for more than a few months. I know that I have dealt with far worse things in my life and come out the stronger for it. (If you've been reading my blog, you know that I've had much more toxic things inside me than this!)

I WILL beat this, and cancer will NOT win in the end! I see the future, and there's more more for me to do as a sexuality educator and a lawyer. And, although my goal to adopt a little girl is on hold, all of my doctors are aware of my plan to adopt. I've told them that I will do whatever they recommend to ensure that I'm around for decades to come!

For those of you who might be skeptical that I'm letting this get the best of me for too long, I'll leave you with this:

What DC relationship and sex blogger had anal sex when she got back home from her breast biopsies?

This one.

I might be a bit down, but I'm not out. Not even close. I'm not going to give up what I love to do if I can help it, even if that means that I have to be a little creative while doing it. (It's better to have sex with your bra on and ice packs inside your bra than not have sex at all!)

PS For those of you who have emailed, called, texted, commented or Tweeted, your support means more to me than you could possibly know. For my friends in real life who are my family, you are a huge part of what I'm fighting for! And, you know me well enough to know that I'm not going to miss out on any laughs, girl talk and gossip with you all. I love you with all of my heart. xoxo

Are 3am texts ever sincere?

Following my concussion in early April, I canceled my plans for several days to recoup. I wasn't sure when I would hear from Mr. Exec again. I couldn't tell if he had realized that I was disappointed that he had offered to come by to take care of me, but then didn't follow through.

So, imagine my surprise when I heard from Mr. Exec everyday but one that week. I would wake up to a text, asking how I was feeling or saying that he was thinking of me. He seemed sincere in his concern, inquiring if it was normal to have symptoms several days later (it is, for me) and whether or not I should see a doctor.

I tried to reconcile the fact that he was checking in on me with the fact that something seemed lacking. Three of the four nights that week, he was at meetings or out with friends within a 10-minute drive of my place. On two nights, he mentioned coming by my place to check in on me, and I replied that I'd like that. (When I'm home for health reasons, I'm always up for company.) Then I wouldn't hear from him until 11:30pm…or 1am…or 3am.

The 3am text said:

I'm sure you're asleep, but I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and hoping you're feeling better.

You're out drinking with your friends in Georgetown until 3am, but you're thinking of me?!? I wasn't sure whether that was a booty call, a half-assed attempt to pretend he was there for me without actually being there for me, or what! I might have taken the text at face value, but for the fact that this was becoming a pattern — and not a good one at that!

I didn't respond to him at 3am, but waited until normal business hours to send him this text in return:

I appreciate that we had only gone out a few times, and I had no expectations of you taking care of me this week. But, it doesn't make me feel very special when you say that you want to come over and check on me, and then you choose to go out with your friends. Hope you can appreciate that.

Mr. Exec wrote back that his intention wasn't to make me feel as though I wasn't special, but rather, just to let me know that he was thinking of me. I guess that would be fine for some girls, but not me. Given that we had only gone out four times, I would rather Mr. Exec had just texted me and said:

I'm sorry you hurt yourself. Take care and let's go out when you're feeling better.

A couple of girlfriends knew about Mr. Exec and the post-concussion texts, and I would forward them our text exchanges with a few added thoughts:

Seriously? Is this guy for real?
Same text, different night, but this was at 1am! Lol.
Does he want a post-concussion booty call?

The icing on the cake for me happened a week after my concussion. It was my 37th birthday, and I was speaking at an event in Northern Virginia. More than 1000 people were attending, and I had a dozen loved ones coming to support me. I was excited, but I was also very nervous. This was a BIG deal for me, and I had been worried all week that the effects from the concussion would impede me from giving my best presentation.

When the clock struck midnight on my actual birthday, Mr. Exec texted me and asked if I was out celebrating. (I wasn't. I was still not 100% and was resting up before the main event.) A half hour later, he called me. In both, he wished me a happy birthday and told me that he'd like to take me out to dinner to celebrate that week. I was awake when his text and call came in, but I didn't want to speak with him. I waited to reply via text until lunchtime the next day. I kept it short, as I realized that I didn't want to go out with him again.

I wasn't 100% sure at this point whether I wanted just companionship from a guy or something more serious. But, based on Mr. Exec's actions over the past week, he wasn't fitting either bill.

As I was scrambling to get ready for the event, Mr. Exec texted me at 3:30pm to wish me luck. He also reiterated that he wanted to take me out to dinner and that I should let him know my availability. I kept my responses curt.

I had things to do, places to go, and people to see.

Did I mention that Philly Matt would be attending the event? *wink*

Insult to injury

It was the first weekend in April, also known to any sports fan as Final Four weekend. I was planning to watch the games with friends, but first, I had to swing by Barkley Square with my dog, Nutter. While I was shopping, Mr. Exec and I were texting back and forth. Right before I left the store, I sent him a text about what I wanted him to do to me when we saw each other next.

(I’m trying to be respectful of Mr. Exec and not blog in too much detail about our bedroom antics. But, if you know me and/or you’ve read my blog with any regularity, you should at least have a clue as to what I was texting about.)

When I left the boutique, I walked back to my car and opened the passenger door to put Nutter inside. As I moved my head out of the car, I banged it hard on the door frame. The force was strong enough that I was thrown back to the ground, and as I fell, I heard a pop. I felt a sharp pain on the left side of my neck where I heard the pop, and the top of my head began to throb.

I’ve had enough concussions over the years to know that this was another one. A call to one of my girlfriends confirmed that my speech was slurred. I tried to focus on the street signs, but all I saw was double. I knew I couldn’t drive myself home so I texted a few people for reinforcements, including Mr. Exec.

I wanted to keep my text to him light, and so I wrote:

All that dirty talk got me so hot that I hit my head. In so much pain and very dizzy.

Thirty minutes later, he wrote back, asking what happened. By that point, my friends, Autumn and Jamie, had already offered to come get me.

I replied immediately to tell Mr. Exec that I had a concussion, but I didn’t hear from him until my phone rang over an hour after that.

Mr. Exec: Do you need anything? I could come pick you up. [Even in my fog, that didn’t make sense. He called me almost two hours after I hit my head. I was already home by that point.]

Me: No, I’m home. Autumn and a friend came to get me.

Mr. Exec: Oh, Joey [his best friend] and I could have picked you up, if we had known. Did you take any pain medicine? You don’t sound good.

Me: No. Just Advil. This is just how sound after a concussion.

Mr. Exec offered to come over, but Autumn was already with me so that seemed unnecessary.

The following morning, Mr. Exec texted me to wish me a Happy Easter and see how I was feeling. I was still a little dizzy and had a headache, but my speech was thankfully back to normal. After service a few hours later, Mr. Exec called me. He was off to have Easter lunch at a friend’s house, but inquired about coming over to my place later in the day.

Mr. Exec: I want to check on you and make sure you’re okay.

That made me smile. Since we had only gone out a handful of times, I hadn’t expected him to offer to help me out.

Me: I’d like that. Thanks.

We hung up. The afternoon passed into evening. By the time I heard from him, it was 11pm — nine hours after his previous call. I could tell within a few sentences that he had been drinking.

Mr. Exec: Sorry that I didn’t call you sooner. My friend had a couple of bottles of champagne so we all just started drinking on her patio. I had really planned on coming over to take care of you.

Me: That would have been nice.

Mr. Exec: You’re welcome.

Me [laughing]: Umm…you don’t get points for the idea. You get points for the execution.

Mr. Exec [chuckling]: Oh, so that’s how it is?

Me: Yes, it is.

We talked more and somehow professional football came up. I’m a New York Giants fan, and he’s an Indianapolis Colts’ fan. He started spewing off statistics about the Colts as a team.

Me: So…who won a Superbowl more recently? [Answer: the Giants.]

Mr. Exec: [He throws out several more Colts’ stats.] I predict that we’re going to have you in a Colts’ jersey before the end of the season.

Me: Really now? Is that jersey coming with a four-carat ring? Because that’s what it would take for me support any other team than the Giants!

He laughed, and then continued to throw out more football facts. I was tired and hadn’t been drinking so my tolerance for buzzed talking (let alone buzzed driving) was minimal. I told him that I needed to go to bed so that I could just get off of the phone.

I didn’t feel as though I had the right to be mad since we weren’t even a couple. I also didn’t know him well enough by this point to be emotionally invested. I wasn’t shedding any tears over the situation, but I was disappointed. Mr. Exec had said that he wanted to be there for me, and in the end, he wasn’t.

Was this a sign of things to come?

Asking a Guy Out

Now, a reader’s question:

Question: Any advice for a woman who is considering asking a guy out. I know him socially but not personally.

Answer: I think that’s great! A lot of guys find it refreshing for a girl to make the first move, and it’s also flattering (read: sexy) for a guy to know that a girl is interested in him. A few tips:

Do a little reconnaissance to confirm that he’s single. You mentioned that you know him socially, but not personally. Do you have any friends in common? Are you following each other on Facebook or Twitter? Contact a friend or check out his profile page to make sure that he’s not in a relationship.

Once you know he’s single, send out a casual e-mail/text to invite him out for a drink. I prefer meeting for drinks since it keeps your options open. Meeting for drinks is by its nature less formal than dinner, but if drinks go well, one of you can suggest dinner afterward. Likewise, if the conversation over drinks isn’t flowing easily (beyond the usual first date jitters), then you can end the night after a drink or two.

There are people who think of coffee as an ideal first date activity, but I feel as though that’s too casual and trite. A coffee date could come across as though you aren’t genuinely interested in him. If you enjoy similar hobbies or a shared love of sports, then you can always pitch an activity or watching a game instead of drinks.

If your interaction with this guy tends to be more in person, then you can ask him out for a drink during normal conversation. Whether virtually or in real life, keep your tone light and use phrases that are comfortable for you. You can broach the topic in a general way, leaving it up to him to pick a time and place by saying:

What are you up to this weekend?; or

I never feel like we have enough time to talk/I’d love to talk with you more about [insert relevant subject here]. We should grab drinks sometime.

Or, you can be direct and pick a place and a day that works for you like this:

I’ve heard good things about this wine bar/brewery/lounge, and was thinking of checking it out on Thursday. Wanna join me?

What you say or how much of the asking you do depends on your style, preference and comfort level. I make sure a guy knows that I’m interested, but I ultimately let him decide when and where and do the asking.

In my opinion, if you pick the time and place to meet, then you should pay for drinks.

Readers, do you agree with me on this? What other suggestions do you have for this girl?

No Pity Parties. Only Titty Parties.

I've blogged a fair amount about my tits.

But, today, I'm shifting the focus from tits to breast health.

"Why should I care about breast health?" you might be asking if you are a guy.

"I'm 24. Breast health isn't really an issue at my age," you might be saying.

Ladies, it's never too early to be thinking about breast health. And, guys, if you love boobs, the women who have them or both, you should care about these issues, too!

Why do I care?

1. I know far too many friends who have lost loved ones to breast cancer;

2. My Mom died of cancer of unknown primary origin so she might have had breast cancer; and

3. Since 2000, I've had three benign breast lumps removed and three breast biopsies.

***
I had written the above in the hopes that I would submit it for Femme Writes in May. I wasn't sure what direction I wanted the post to go and so I just saved it as a draft. I now realize that there was a reason for that.

In early May, I found a lump in my right breast. I was due for my annual mammogram anyway so I scheduled that. (Most women do not require yearly mammograms before the age of 40, but given my health history and my Mom's, I started getting screened at 35.)

Earlier this month, I went for my mammogram. The breast radiologist at Sibley Hospital reviewed my films and performed an ultrasound. She then recommended taking small samples of the lump that I found and abnormal calcifications that the mammogram showed via biopsy. I don't particularly like biopsies — who does, right? — but I knew what to expect and scheduled them for the last Friday.

On Tuesday, I was sitting in the chair at the hair salon when my cell phone rang. I looked at the number and recognized it as Sibley's main line. I answered the phone and the radiologist informed me that the lump I had found was a fibroid (aka nothing to worry about). But, the calcifications showed Ductal Carcinoma In Situ.

DCIS.

Early Stage Breast Cancer.

I sat in the back room of the hair salon as tears filled my eyes. I asked the doctor to repeat it since she didn't say the ‘c' word the first time. It was surreal, and I knew that for the rest of my life, I would always remember that moment. After I hung up with her, I called my best friends and my man to inform them. I also rescheduled my plans for the evening.

A few hours later, I realized that there was no need to change my plans. I deal with health stuff every day, and breast cancer is just one blip on my radar. So, I put on some makeup, my favorite Burberry mini, high black open-toe heels and a smile, and I went out to the bar.

When my man and I came home at the end of the evening, we talked about the next steps. I shed some more tears. And, then it was business time. (It's me. Did you really expect anything less?)

I also began to count my blessings. I'm thankful that my health conditions helped get this diagnosed early. If you have to have breast cancer, this is the best kind to have. I WILL survive this. (If I hadn't had my first mammogram until the age of 40, that might not have been the case.) I'm fortunate that I have great medical insurance, doctors and friends. And, I'm saying prayers for the many women out there with far more severe cases and far less options and resources.

If you're reading this and wondering what you can do to help me, it's easy! Help yourself and help others!

* Conduct breast self-exams.

* Have a health care provider regularly conduct a clinical breast exam.

* Get annual mammograms.

* For men and women, make sure your loved ones are doing all of this!

* Donate toward finding a cure here! I chose to set up a fundraising page through The Breast Cancer Research Foundation because BCRF is the ONLY breast cancer organization that received an A+ rating from the American Institute of Philanthropy. You can take comfort in the fact that any donation will be used to make a difference!

There's NO need for a pity party here. And, when I'm cancer free, I will be holding a titty party! (It's like a blog party, but so much better!) I have a lot to celebrate. xoxo

Very Smart Balls

While I was at the AASECT conference last weekend, I was thrilled to see that Fun Factory had a representative in the exhibition hall.

"What's Fun Factory?" you might be asking.

Fun Factory is a German sex toy company known for its aesthetically pleasing and top performing products! If you purchase a Fun Factory toy, you can also take comfort in the fact that the item is high quality, and free of toxic ingredients and allergens.

The Fun Factory representative provided me with the Smart Balls Teneo Duo. I looked at the two weighted balls and envisioned a lot of anal pleasure to be had. So, imagine my dismay, when the representative indicated that the balls are only for vaginal use. (Where's the fun in that?)

When I got up to my hotel room, I opened the box containing the Smart Balls. The two soft silicone balls are attached by a small piece of material. The end of the toy has a cord to assist with removal. The balls are ridged, and the two balls together feel about as heavy as a single golf ball. The weighted balls inside the silicone shell allow for some vibration, but you have to listen carefully to hear any noise emanating from the toy.

The box indicates that the toy helps strengthen vaginal muscles. Midwives recommend Smart Balls to women after pregnancy, and they are also used as a substitute or conduit for Kegel exercises. The goal here is to tighten the pelvic floor muscles, which in turn, increases pleasure during sex.

As I read about the toy in my hotel room, I rolled my eyes. I really wasn't in the market for a toy to tighten my pussy. I figured that the Smart Balls would get used once for the sake of the review and then tossed in the back of the toy drawer. Boy, was I mistaken!

The Smart Balls can significantly enhance oral and anal sex, if you leave them in during those sexcapades. Significantly.

The fact that the toy is ridged and weighted led me to believe that the cord would need to be pulled to move the balls and cause the vibrations. However, that's not the case. The toy works phenomenally well if it's just inside you. Or, you can get a lot of enjoyment from subtle movements of the cord.

Imagine that you are just teasing the cord and tap it gently from one side to the other. Or guide it slowly up and down. You don't need repeated movements here since the vibrations respond to light, sporadic touches. And, no pulling or tugging of the string is required.

If you need to use a lubricant to insert the Smart Balls, use a water-based lubricant, rather than a silicone-based product. Since the Smart Balls are silicone, silicone lube might cause the product to melt. (Maybe that won't happen, but why risk it?) The Smart Balls can be cleaned with mild soap and water or a Toy Cleaner.

Once the Smart Balls are comfortably inside you, have your partner focus on your clitoris with his tongue and occasionally touch the cord of the toy. During anal sex, the thrusting motion will allow the Smart Balls to vibrate enough to provide added G-spot stimulation. The vibrations are subtle, effective and not distracting at all. Oral and anal can be much more intense and orgasmic with the toy than without it.

The Smart Balls allow for heightened G-Spot sensitivity and awareness. For those of you who are still trying to harness the power of your G-spot or clitoral legs, you might find this toy to be very useful.

Smart Balls can be used without stimulation to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and help with Kegel exercises. The toy is highly recommended for postpartum women, although you should check with your doctor before inserting a toy into your vagina after delivery.

For straight women looking to bring something new into the bedroom, your man shouldn't find anything intimidating about the Smart Balls. There's also the advantage that the toy requires very little effort. No batteries, charging, or operation required. You can insert the Smart Balls inside and neither you nor your man need to do much else.

The Smart Balls will be a great addition to your normal sexual mix. Bullets or small sex toys rarely stay in place. And, traditional vibrators are often too big to feel comfortable – let alone erotic – when inside your pussy during anal sex. The Smart Balls are just right.

Some sex toy websites indicate that the balls can be used anally. Please don't do that, though! Shanna Katz, a Sex Educator, explains why the balls aren't medically safe for anal use here.

Smart Balls retail for $29.90. Given how versatile the toy is, I found that price to be reasonable. This toy will be a regular part of your sexual routine. Thanks Fun Factory!

Note: Pursuant to FTC regulations, I received this product free of charge in exchange for my participation in a survey at the AASECT conference.

The G-spot

For many women, the G-spot or ability to achieve a vaginal orgasm is elusive. How elusive? Well, it's estimated that 75% of women cannot orgasm from vaginal intercourse without the use of toys, oral stimulation or manual stimulation. For others, the G-spot is a sexual Narnia of sorts through which much pleasure is obtained.

There's debate within the medical community regarding whether the G-spot is a cluster of nerves in the upper portion of the pussy or if it's actually part of the clitoris. A 1998 medical report found that the clitoris has legs that wrap around the urethra and the vagina and can be up to 3.5 inches long. To learn more about the report and see the anatomical drawing of the clitoral legs, click here.

So, does the G-spot exist, or to paraphrase Public Enemy, should you not believe the hype?

I believe that the G-spot does exist, but from a personal perspective, it doesn't matter to me whether the area is a cluster of nerves that is separate from or related to the clitoris. I just enjoy the difference in orgasms that I achieve from external stimulation versus internal stimulation.

The best post that I've read about G-spots was written by Analena Valdes Graham. Analena is a nurse and sex educator, and she is one of the owners of Lotus Blooms (formerly Dascha Boutique), a unique and high-end sex boutique designed to empower, educate and inspire women and couples. Since Lotus Blooms is no longer blogging, Analena was kind enough to let me repost her very informative piece about G-spots. Enjoy!

So what exactly is this G-spot and how do you find it?

Applauds and credit are due to German gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg who first hypothesized its existence in 1950. The G-Spot is located inside the vagina about two inches inside from the entrance. The G-spot is a network of blood vessels, nerve endings and soft tissue. When stimulated, it can greatly enhance your orgasm and increase the possibility of female ejaculation. Female ejaculation…WHAT?!? Yes, another fascinating phenomenon about this wonderful little spot is that when stimulated, some women will actually ejaculate (also known as squirting). That's right. Many women will ejaculate noticeable amounts of clear fluid during orgasm.

The key factor in finding your G-spot is becoming intimately acquainted with your body. To assist you with this, there are several things that you (with or without your partner) can do to try to stimulate your G-spot:

Although many women don't believe they have G-spot, the truth is that they just don't know how to find it or stimulate it properly. When done the right way, G-spot stimulation can be mind blowing. A "G-spot orgasm" is slightly different from one achieved purely through clitoral stimulation, and can be more intense. Now, the G-spot is a quarter-sized area of spongy tissue located directly behind the pubic bone. Because it rests up against the bladder, many women will have an initial sensation of having to urinate. This is why it is key to go to the bathroom before attempting to find it, so that you aren't confused.

Now, lay on your bed or find that comfy couch. Relax and slowly start to stimulate your clitoris, labia, and mons. To begin the G-spot voyage, you should be fully aroused. The more aroused you are, the larger and more sensitive the G-spot becomes making it easier to find. Once you are aroused, slowly insert one or two fingers into your vagina. Your fingertips should be facing toward your bellybutton, and inserted to the spot directly under the pubic bone. Now, slowly press up against the pubic bone (away from yourself) and start to feel for a spongy area with a ridged texture. If you feel the sensation of having to urinate, you've got it!! Ladies, power through that sensation and try different pressing, tapping, and rubbing motions to see what is most pleasurable for you. Continue to do this until you can't take it anymore and achieve that orgasm!

Because the G-spot is embedded in the muscle of the vaginal wall, you may not initially find your G-spot. It may take a little patience and effort on your part. I encourage you not to give up! The reward will be well worth the journey!!!

The Lelo Gigi, Iris or Mona are great G-spot vibrators. These pleasure objects are specifically designed to help stimulate the G-spot. There's a wide variety to choose from depending on your mood for exploration and creativity! These vibrators come in a variety of colors, materials and prices.

Your partner can help you experience G-spot orgasms and ejaculation by inserting his index and middle fingers into your vagina and firmly pressing and stroking the inside front wall. Also, during intercourse, try placing a pillow underneath your hips. This slight incline may make it easier for your partner to stimulate your G-spot with his penis.

What toys, positions, or methods have worked for you to help you achieve a vaginal orgasm?

Trusting your partner

I’ve received quite a few questions via e-mail and Formspring about cheating. I thought that I would tackle one of them today.

Question: Do you think it’s ever safe to trust someone 100%?

Answer: I assume that you mean “someone” in the romantic partnership sense of the word. With that clarification, I do think it’s safe to trust someone 100%.

If you are in a partnership and are truly in love with someone, then I would hope that you would trust that person completely. I feel as though I can’t control whether or not a person is worthy of my trust, but I can control my ability to trust someone. When I fall in love, I’m all in. I will work to earn the person’s trust 100%, and I will believe in that person 100%.

If my partner does something to indicate that he’s not trustworthy, then I’ll respond accordingly. But, I can’t go into a serious relationship with my guard up too much; that’s not healthy for me as an individual or as a part of a couple.

I worked hard to move past my fears of commitment and allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable in my relationships with men. Have I gotten hurt at times? Sure. But, do I regret getting hurt? No. I’ve been able to look at my actions and know with 100% certainty that I truly loved and that I did my best to make that relationship work.

We all deserve to be all in when it comes to love. You’ll know you found the right person for you when you can trust him or her with your heart.