relationships

Game changer

My ex-boyfriend, Philly Matt, and I see each other two or three times a year. In a typical month, we’ll text and email several times a week and talk on the telephone every other week. Even though we haven’t dated since 2006 or had sexual relations (using the definition of Former President Clinton) in four years, we’ve grown closer. He’s my sounding board and one of my best friends.

Several readers and friends in real life have asked why Philly Matt and I don’t try dating again. I felt like it wasn’t worth jeopardizing our friendship for the possibility that we might be able to work as a couple. I was thus very surprised when Philly Matt informed me in May 2010 that we weren’t together because I was always in a relationship or getting over someone.

Thanksgiving 2010 found me in casual relationships with Best Boy and Mr. Agency, and Philly Matt in a serious relationship with Tammy from New England. When I talked to Philly Matt on the phone, he relayed to me how upset Linda, the mother of his children, was at how much time he had been spending with Tammy.

Philly Matt: Linda keeps saying that she might not want to be with me, but that she doesn’t want anyone else to be. I told her [Linda] that she had her chance. She can’t be upset that I found someone else.

I started thinking about how odd this exchange was. Why would Linda care if Matt was dating someone since she and Matt haven’t been together in almost a decade? (When I met Philly Matt in 2005, he said that he and his children’s mother hadn’t dated since his youngest child was a baby.) Wouldn’t Linda want Philly Matt to be happy?

Me: A little jealousy is normal, but it doesn’t make sense that Linda would be so upset about this. You said that she’s been making similar comments about you and Tammy since the summer, right?

Philly Matt: Yep.

Me: Have you guys been together recently?

Philly Matt: What do you mean?

Me: Well, that sounds like comments that someone would make if they still had feelings for you. Have you and Linda been together since Chloe was a baby?

Philly Matt: Yeah.

Me: You have?!?

Philly Matt: Yeah. We’ve been together on and off for years.

Me: Really?!? So…when was the last time that you guys were together?

Philly Matt: We were trying to make things work earlier this year. [My jaw drops, and my eyes become as big as saucers. I want to ask why that hasn’t come up in the past five years, but I just let him keep talking.] We tried, and she said that it couldn’t work between us. I wanted it to, but what could I do? So, I moved on.

My mind was scrambling, and I realized that I needed to collect my thoughts about this. Matt and Linda had started dating 17 or 18(!) years ago. I might not have even dated him had I known this back in 2005 since I would never get between a man and the mother of his children. It also crossed my mind that if I was just finding this news out now, did Tammy know?

I figured it best to change the topic and discuss this more in our next call. It wasn’t pressing since Philly Matt's relationship with either Linda or Tammy didn’t affect my relationship with him. But, it was definitely a game changer and reaffirmed in my mind why Matt and I weren't meant to be more than close friends.

The next chapter? (Part II)

Best Boy was coming over my place for the first time in seven weeks. (I wasn't sure of his motivation for doing so, but I thankfully didn't have time to overanalyze the situation.) When he arrived, I introduced him to my friend, Carly. They exchanged pleasantries before she headed home.

Once Best Boy and I were alone, it was like no time had passed since our last interaction. His smile was warm, and the conversation was easy.

I had a craving for chicken tenders while I was recouping from chemotherapy, and he had offered to pick some up for me. Best Boy went into the kitchen to put the tenders on a plate, and I realized how touching this simple act was. Despite the fact that I had told him that we could no longer sleep together, Best Boy remained giving and kind. (At a time when I was feeling sick and vulnerable, that was just what the doctor ordered!)

When I was finished eating, he reached for my hand, as we watched the game. At the next commercial break, he moved toward me, kissing me softly and gently. A part of me wanted to continue, but a larger part of me worried about my relationship with Mr. Agency. I pulled my lips away and said:

I’m still seeing Mr. Agency, which was why I told you over the phone that we couldn’t mess around.

Best Boy: Okay.

Me [pausing]: But, I've missed you. [He smiles.] I just don't know if we could be anything more than we were, given our history. [Pause.] And, it's not like you're looking for a relationship. [He had said that back in August.]

Best Boy: Well, I’m not looking to be in a bad relationship. That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be in a relationship if it was right. I just know that I’ve lost my focus and gotten caught up in a lot of unnecessary drama in past relationships. I don't want to be in that situation again.

Me: I can appreciate that. I guess I’m trying to figure out what I want right now.

Best Boy: I think you change what you want every week! [We laugh.]

Me: Yeah, I won’t disagree with you. All bets are off during chemo. [Pause.] I just don't know if it's even possible for us to be more than friends or friends with benefits. So much would need to happen for us to work. I’d need to figure things out with Mr. Agency. [I use hand gestures to accentuate each point.] Then, we’d need to figure out if we want the same things. And then, if we do, you’d need to stop hanging out with Melanie*. (Based on Facebook comments, it appeared as though he and Melanie had been spending time together as more than just friends. Best Boy's facial expression seems to confirm that what I had gleaned from Facebook was correct.) And then, if all that happens, you’d have to talk to Mr. Exec. I really wouldn’t envy you for that conversation. [He nods.] That’s a lot of stuff!

Best Boy: It is.

In processing my thoughts out loud with Best Boy, I came to the conclusion that I first needed to decide if I wanted to continue my relationship with Mr. Agency. I mentioned to Best Boy that I wasn’t sure if Mr. Agency’s work schedule and my needs during treatment were compatible.

Me: I just need to talk to him and figure things out.

Our eyes became heavy, as the end of the basketball game neared.

Me: You can either stay on the couch or come into the bedroom with me. But, if you just want to keep me up all night, then you should probably sleep on the couch. I need some rest! [We laugh.]

Best Boy: I'm tired, too. Let me walk Nutter and then we can go to sleep.

After he came to bed, we fell asleep with our arms around each other. I felt safe…and confused. I had thought that Best Boy and I were never meant to be more than friends. And, I had thought that Mr. Agency would continue to be there for me like he had been early on in our relationship. But now, Mr. Agency was rarely around, and Best Boy was giving me just what I needed.

I needed some clarity about the situation and was thankful that the coming days would give me just that.

To be continued…

* I gave Best Boy's girl the nickname of "Melanie." In retrospect, that might have been confusing since my web designer's real name is Melanie. They are not one in the same.

Owning It

In a recent conversation with my father, I told him that I write about “my relationships and sex and stuff” without providing him a link or using the word, “blog.” I then explained my business plan and my advocacy goals for the next two years. I could tell from his pauses and tone that he was thoroughly confused. (Who wouldn’t be? I think most people are confused at first when they hear me talk about advocating for breast cancer awareness and body-friendly sex toys in the same sentence.)

City Dad: So…are you telling me this because you don’t want me to be embarrassed?

Me [pausing]: I guess so.

City Dad: Is there anything you think would embarrass me?

Me [pausing]: I hope not.

City Dad: Is there anything that embarrasses you?

Me [without hesitating]: No.

City Dad: Well, I’m glad that you told me so I didn’t find out another way. And, it’s not like I thought you were a saint! [We laugh.]

After hanging up the telephone, I thought about what I had said. Nothing in here embarrasses me. Nothing. This blog details my life and my choices. I’ve made some good decisions (often professionally) and some bad decisions (often with respect to my relationships with men). But, I don’t regret any of the experiences I’ve had. They’ve made me who I am today, and I love the person that I’ve become. If I was embarrassed about anything in here, I’d be embarrassed about who I am. That’s not me.

One of my dear friends is a life coach, and she always reminds me of how much I “own it.” I smile when she uses that expression because I do own my life and my choices.

When people write rude comments on my blog, I laugh and take their words with a grain of salt. (And, I don’t like salt.) How can I let the thoughts of someone that I don’t call a friend affect me? By having a blog and putting my life out there, I invite comments and criticism. There are many readers who I don’t know in real life that manage to respectfully disagree with my choices and actions. If someone comments in a way that’s disrespectful, I let it roll off of me. I own it.

I was the girl with the long, beautiful red hair, and now I’m bald. I miss my hair, but I know that I’m just where I’m meant to be in life right now. Wearing a wig doesn’t change the fact that I’m in treatment for cancer and doesn’t make me feel comfortable. It’s not authentic to my experience. I’ve done photo shoots and interviews bald. I walk around town bald. I host events bald. I’ve flirted shamelessly and had amazing sex bald. I own it.

I’m a liberal and a Christian. I used to practice law, but now I’m a blogger and advocate. I’m a woman, and I think about sex more than the average teenage boy. From my perspective, none of these things are mutually exclusive. Labels and identifiers are just words. I may be a writer, but I let my actions speak for themselves. As an attorney, I ruffled a few feathers by addressing issues that made partners and nonprofit directors uncomfortable. I do much of the same with my blog. I’ve made mistakes, and I’ve accomplished things of which I’m proud. But, through it all, I own it.

How do you own it, or how do you want to own it?

Communication Is Key

Mr. Agency had indicated that he would come over to my place after his events. So, when I received a text at 2am in which he wrote that he had gone home and would see me soon, I was irritated. I texted back:

Seriously?!? I wish that you had let me know this earlier in the night so I could have made other plans.

Mr. Agency rightfully decided that this was not an appropriate conversation to have over text and picked up the telephone to call me. We exchanged salutations, and then discussed what had happened.

Mr. Agency: I figured that you were already sleeping since it was so late.

Me: I didn't really fall asleep since we had plans and I didn't want to miss your call.

Mr. Agency: I didn't realize that. [Pause.] I didn't expect you to be so upset.

Me: I’m not upset. I’m disappointed. You had told me earlier in the day that you were coming over. It was great to see you at Teatro, and when you left, you still said that you were going to come over later. If that had changed, you should have let me know earlier in the night.

Mr. Agency: And then you’re all like: I would have made other plans!

Me: I didn’t mean other plans with a guy. I meant that I might have joined T for a drink at Park. Or, I would’ve come home and not waited up for you. [Pause.] I guess I could have phrased my text better.

Mr. Agency: This is why I don’t normally get into relationships with people.

Me: Because you have to communicate with them?

Mr. Agency: Because my schedule is so crazy that I can’t really date anyone. I had been thinking about how awesome you were and how we never had a problem, and then this happens.

Me: Umm…we’re both human so if we’re going to keep dating each other, you’ll have to realize that we’re going to disagree or get in tiffs about things. But, if we communicate with each other, we’ll be fine. I don’t mind that we can’t go out often, and I’ve told you that I can deal with your schedule. But, if you say you’re going to do something, I expect you to do so. That’s not a lot to ask.

Mr. Agency: That’s why I never make plans.

Me: Really? Even with your friends?

Mr. Agency: Yeah. They understand that 99% of the time I’m too busy to do anything.

Me: That’s interesting, but it’s a little different with us. We’re sleeping together. And, we’re not talking about you going out, but about you coming over after you’re done with work. I’m cool with your schedule, but you need to work with me here.

Our conversation lasted 45 minutes, but it was rather repetitive in nature. I kept stressing that he needed to communicate with me, and he continued to highlight how crazy his schedule was and how most people don’t understand his lifestyle.

Me: I understand it, but you need to decide if you’re going to make an effort to come over here when you’re done with work or not. I don’t care if you come over late, but if you’re not sleeping at my place, we’re not going to see a lot of each other and things definitely won’t work.

Mr. Agency: Okay. [Pause.] So, do you want to sleep or should I come over?

Me: I’m definitely awake now, and I’d like you to come over.

Fifteen minutes later, Mr. Agency arrived at my front door. He smiled when he saw that the sofa bed was made up for him.

Me: See! I had things all ready for you. I want to make sure you get your sleep when you’re here.

Mr. Agency: You’re awesome.

Me: So…we’re cool?

Mr. Agency: Yes.

He kissed me, and we walked into the bedroom. When we woke the following morning, we talked some more about everything. His schedule was definitely different, but I didn’t view that as a problem, as long as he communicated with me. I wasn’t sure what the future would hold for us, but I liked him enough to see.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, there was a Little City Girl. Her parents raised her with love, support and opportunities. They let her know that she could be anything that she wanted to be when she was older.

At 14, Little City Girl told her father that she wanted to go to Wellesley College and become a lawyer.

“Why do you want to be a lawyer?” he inquired.

“Because I like to write, debate and help people,” Little City Girl replied.

When she went to Wellesley several years later, the professors also impressed upon her and her classmates that they could be and do anything.

A college internship brought City Girl to Washington, DC, in 1993, and she fell in love with the nation’s capital. After her internship ended, she stayed in DC and got a job as a legal assistant. She went on to law school, and when she finally started to work as an attorney, she was thankful that an instinct that she had 12 years prior was the right one.

In her first job, she noticed that wearing a short skirt or a fitted sweater to work prompted inappropriate comments from her bosses. With each subsequent position, she sported more pants suits and felt more comfortable informing male colleagues that their behavior was unacceptable.

She also learned that although her dating stories were entertaining, she had to be selective about what she shared with co-workers. One partner only knew that she was dating an NFL player – without any specifics – and thought it funny to walk into a meeting after a football game, saying:

Your boyfriend can’t handle his balls.

In theory, she could do anything professionally that she wanted. But, unfortunately, that didn’t mean that her age, gender, appearance or sexuality wouldn’t be topics of conversation or affect other people’s perceptions of her around the office.

When City Girl left firm life for a nonprofit, she began doing some legal policy work. She always relied on facts and the law, rather than emotions, when speaking about a polarizing issue, but that didn’t stop a few very conservative people from sending her office hate mail. Her former boss approached her about doing policy work exclusively. She was flattered, but she worried that she would miss working directly with the clients if she chose that path.

In 2008, she decided to take a sabbatical from the law to focus on health issues and finish her master’s program. As she prepared to write her thesis, she thought it would be fun to start blogging about her dating adventures. She chose to blog anonymously so that if she reentered the policy arena, her sexuality wouldn’t be used against her. (If she had received several pieces of hate mail and comments about her appearance or significant others without provocation, she knew that her sex life and dating mishaps would become ammunition for those who disagreed with her politics.)

As her blog readership grew, she began attending events as City Girl. Quite a few people in DC knew both her real name and blog link, but they kindly respected her privacy. Local online publications were also understanding, taking her picture with her name or quoting her as City Girl without using her name or face. She managed with the help of others to remain anonymous from the legal policy world.

In 2010, City Girl wondered if it was worth taking another year away from the law to see where her blog could go and start teaching sexual health workshops. She joined the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and attended their annual conference. She also found a platform, as she wrote about the use of toxic ingredients in sex toys and the need for self-regulation. Lotus Blooms and Fascinations at Fun Love approached her about writing for their sites and reviewing body-friendly products for them. She began to ponder how she could advocate for safe sex toys on a larger scale.

When she was diagnosed with breast cancer in June of 2010, she decided to use her experience to try to raise awareness and help others. Her friends and doctors knew that she was willing to talk about what she was going through, and opportunities to do just that followed. The more that she talked about her experience and let others in, the more she wanted to continue to do so.

She finished chemotherapy and realized that she is stronger than she thought that she was. She also realized that there’s much more for her to do as an advocate and that it’s time to come out from behind her laptop. If she can help one more person through her blog, her photographs or her interviews, it’s worth it. She accepts that she may never work again in the legal policy arena, although she wishes that there wasn’t a double standard with respect to female sexuality in the workplace.

Once upon a time, there was a City Girl with long, red hair named Stef Woods.

Photo Credit: Kristina Hopper Photography

She’s bald now, but she still feels sexy.

Photo Credit: Moshe Zusman Photography

Although she’s not exactly sure what will happen next, she trusts that she will live happily ever after.

Quite The Teddy Bear

My friendship with benefits arrangement with Best Boy thankfully didn’t bar me from pursuing a relationship with Mr. Agency. I use the term, “relationship,” loosely, though, since I wasn’t able to date Mr. Agency in the conventional sense.

“Why not?” you might be wondering.

Well, Mr. Agency worked a minimum of 100 hours a week. When most couples were heading off to dinner or a movie, Mr. Agency was still stuck in a meeting or going to an event. So, our “dates” consisted of him coming over to my place at midnight…or 2am.

If I had been looking for a traditional relationship, then his schedule obviously would have presented a problem for me. But, I wasn’t. I enjoyed his company so I was fine with seeing him late at night once or twice a week. And, at a time in my life when I needed a little extra tender loving care, I liked making out with Mr. Agency and falling asleep with his arms around me. There wasn’t any pressure to have sex or decide where this was going.

Mr. Agency and I would lie in bed talking for hours, and he made me smile and laugh about everything and nothing. Even though we were just getting to know each other, he would bring up future plans, joking about a couple’s costume we could wear for Halloween or a conference that we both might attend in January.

We discussed past relationships and what problems we had encountered. I could tell that he was relieved that I didn’t find his schedule or the fact that there were quite a few women in DC who vied for his attention at every event as problems. And, I found it comforting that he wanted to talk about cancer and my blog. There weren't any topics that were off limits with us.

I had always viewed Mr. Agency like a big teddy bear, until the night we moved from kissing to oral. I expect to enjoy myself from that, but I didn't expect to have to say, "when" and ask for a break. Mr. Agency went from teddy bear to Captain Cunninglingus and back to a teddy bear.

The next day, Mr. Agency headed off to London for meetings. While he was away, he texted me every day to tell me that he was thinking of me. He asked me to let him know what the oncologist said about my treatment plan, and I did just that.

The following morning, my phone rang. When I saw that it was Mr. Agency, I was surprised that he was calling me while he was overseas.

Me: Hey! Is everything okay?

Mr. Agency: I know that I told you to text me about what the doctor said, but this is too important to text about so I wanted to call you. Tell me about your appointment yesterday.

We talked for an hour that morning with a plan to see each other the day after he returned in DC. I hung up the phone wondering if this had more relationship potential than I had initially thought.

The Rabbit Habit

When the owners of Lotus Blooms handed me my next toy to review, I smiled like a kid in a candy store and exclaimed:

A phthalate-free Rabbit!

See, I had thrown out my old, jelly rubber Rabbit when I learned that it contained potentially harmful ingredients. And, I’m a fan of products like the Rabbit that stimulate more than one area. For those of you who aren’t familiar with rabbit-shaped toys, they consist of:

A phallic vibrator with two or more rows of rotating pearl beads that will hit your G-Spot just so; and

A separate tickler attached to the shaft with soft bunny ears to pleasure your clit.

There are many Rabbits out there, but Vibratex’s version of the Rabbit, known as the Rabbit Habit, is regarded as the gold standard. For more than 20 years, Vibratex has manufactured high-quality, body-friendly toys. Since the majority of women can only orgasm clitorally, the company’s products are designed to do just that, while also allowing for additional G-Spot stimulation.

The Rabbit Habit is made of smooth, safe elastomer. The toy contains no phthalates or latex and can be used with either silicone or water-based lubricant. The shaft portion of the product is 5” by 1.5”, which is substantial without being overwhelming. Although the toy only takes 3 AA batteries, it still packs quite a powerful punch! For those of you Sex and the City fans, it was Vibratex’s Rabbit Habit that was featured in the show.

When I try out a product like the Rabbit Habit that has separate controls for clitoral and G-Spot stimulation, I test out all the options: clitorally; G-Spot; and dual stimulation. I started first with the clitoral section or the little bunny ears. I liked how easy it was to control the toy with a simple flick of the finger up or down.

When I turned the Rabbit Habit on, I expected to lay back, relax and enjoy the ride. But, that unfortunately didn’t happen. All I could focus on was how loud the toy was.

How loud was it? The product was so loud that I was worried that the noise would wake my neighbors up. I had this vision of my building’s security guard knocking on my door, asking if I had a contractor in my unit after hours. Yes, the Rabbit Habit is that loud!

Once I was able to collect myself and overlook the noise, I could focus on the benefits of the toy itself. The bunny ears are definitely geared for clitoral pleasure, and the pearls inside the shaft are perfect for G-Spot stimulation. This Rabbit Habit also allows you the freedom to get off just one way or both by just sliding one of the two controls on the battery pack. And, at $90, the Rabbit Habit is moderately priced for a high-quality, dual-action toy.

I’m torn between Two and Three Squeals of Approval for this toy. The Rabbit Habit gets Three Squeals because it’s a high-quality, body-friendly toy that will provide you with clitoral and G-Spot pleasure. But, the noise definitely brought my level of enjoyment down a notch.

Oprah Magazine called the Rabbit Habit: The Rolls Royce of Sex Toys, but I have to disagree with that assessment. If you want the Rolls Royce of toys, I recommend spending a little more for the Lelo Elise. The Rabbit Habit is a habit that I could personally do without. xoxo

*Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received the Rabbit Habit free of charge in exchange for my honest assessment of the product.

Why Do People Ask Me For Advice?

On to another question from Formspring:

Question: The one thing I’m most confused about is why all of these people write to you for relationship advice, yet you don’t seem to have been a part of many healthy, functioning relationships. I question why you continually bounce from one man to the next. Is it an attention thing? A lack of confidence? Who knows? Best of luck finding what you seem to be searching for.

Answer: I would say I have what I’m searching for in the dating arena. I enjoy my life and am open to whatever love and life have in store. (I would have never imagined that I would leave one career I loved to embark on another exciting professional adventure. And, on the relationship front, I am one of those women who actually likes dating and getting to know other people. I'm not a fan of boring relationships either and seek passion and excitement from guys. Right now, I have a great companion to fulfill that role, which is just what I’m interested in at this point in my life.)

I don't believe that I'm seeking attention, although I admit that as a blogger, I'm seeking an audience and people interested in my stories. I can write that I don't lack for confidence personally or professionally, but that's a question better fielded by people who know me in real life.

I don't view bouncing from one guy to another, as you put it, as a bad thing. I have a fun dating life, and I've learned a lot about myself and relationships from every ex-boyfriend. I’ve been very clear about my goal to adopt as a single mother. I’m not looking for the traditional dating scenario that leads to marriage and children in that order. That might not be something that the average person can identify with, but I hope that my readers will support my choices as I support theirs.

I learned to be accepting of other women and their choices from my mom. Many of mom's friends would call her for personal and professional advice. Mom taught me to prioritize my friendships with females, always be there for the people in your life, and be a good listener and a sounding board.

Friends started coming to me in college for relationship and sex advice. (I also went to a women's college so there weren't many topics about which we didn't discuss ad nauseam.) Now, thanks to my blog, I have a larger audience. I’m the first to admit that I don’t always heed my own advice, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t recognize the same red flags in my dates that my readers do. I also try to look for the best in people. Maybe that makes me naïve or causes me to stay too long in relationships, but that is how I was raised and is not something that I’m likely to change.

I have been told that I give good advice and that my suggestions have helped friends and readers. I think that people also feel like they can be honest about their flaws/problems/weaknesses/concerns because I’m so honest about mine. I don’t claim to have all the answers, and I'm the first to admit that I haven't made the best decisions when it comes to the men I date. But, I do care and will do my best to talk and brainstorm with friends and readers to resolve a problem. (I just did so this morning, in fact.)

When I give advice, I hope to be viewed as a credible source who has done her research on the topic at hand. I'm the In-House Passionista and Reviewer for Lotus Blooms (@DaschaBoutique on Twitter), and I've written freelance articles for Fascinations at Fun Love.

In addition, I’m a Supporting Member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). In June, I attended AASECT’s annual conference and completed an intensive two-day class in Sexual Attitude Readjustment Training. After I’m finished with chemotherapy and radiation, I plan to teach workshops on sex techniques, purchasing body-friendly toys, and spicing up your relationships. I will apply for certification as a Sex Educator through AASECT and expect that continuing adult sex education will be a part of my life for years to come.

The beauty about my blog is that a person doesn’t need to read my posts if he or she doesn’t want to do so. Likewise, it’s optional for people to email me with questions or seek advice from me on Formspring. As my friends and readers know, if and when they need me, I'm here.

What are your thoughts about the reader's questions? For those of you friends and readers who have come to me seeking advice, why have you done so? xoxo

The LayaSpot

Lotus Blooms' customers request that the boutique carry Fun Factory's LAYAspot more than any other massage toy! The toy was also featured on Oprah as a "must have" product in the Beginner's Guide to Erotica. Many online sources swear by the Laya Spot, but does the toy meet with my approval?

What's good about the Laya Spot?

It's a Fun Factory product! As I mentioned in my review of the fabulous Smart Balls Teneo Duo, Fun Factory is a German sex toy company known for its aesthetically pleasing and top performing products! If you purchase a Fun Factory toy, you can take comfort in the fact that the item is high quality, and free of toxic ingredients and allergens.

The Laya Spot is waterproof. You can bring this toy into the shower, bath or hot tub for added versatility. The product has seven different speeds and three different pulsations.

Press and hold the positive sign (+) in the middle of the toy to turn it on and increase as desired. After the seventh press of the positive sign, you can continue to press it to change from constant vibrations to varying, pulsating rhythms. To decrease the intensity or return to constant vibrations, press the negative sign (-). The toy takes only two (2) AAA batteries, and yet, it feels powerful in your hand.

The Laya Spot is made of silky smooth elastomer. It's soft to the touch and compatible with any kind of lubricant.

What didn't I like about the Laya Spot?

The shape. Fun Factory claims that the design is ergonomically friendly. I found it awkward and uncomfortable. The tip of the Laya Spot is bulbous and doesn't maximize sensations. I tried the toy on two separate occasions. It was difficult to hold if I was on my stomach — so much so that the bottom of the Laya Spot kept detaching, thereby turning the toy off. On my back, the product didn't rest on comfortably. No matter how I positioned the toy, it wasn't pleasurable for more than a few minutes.
Its limitations. The Laya Spot is for external, clitoral use only. It's not meant for vaginal or anal use. There are toys that aren't designed for internal use, but still can be used with caution inside your pussy or anus. The Laya just isn't one of them. If your man enjoys light vibrations on his balls or perineum during oral sex or a hand job, then you can try using the Laya Spot in that capacity. Beyond that, though, you and your partner are out of luck.
Bad vibrations. In my hand, the toy felt powerful. But, in practice, I remembered that the toy only holds two AAA batteries. The product did not deliver – even on its highest vibrations. (One reviewer claimed that the Laya Spot has 2/3 of the power of the Hitachi Magic Wand. I'm rolling my eyes at that statement!) Try though I did, it was impossible for me to enjoy the Laya Spot.

Who might enjoy the Laya Spot?

A first-time toy user;
A woman post-childbirth or illness;
A couple bringing a toy into the bedroom for the first time; or
A person who only uses sex toys in the water.

The Laya Spot retails for $65.90. I just can't justify recommending that you spend that much for this product. There are other smaller massage toys that are more economical and versatile. There are also stellar products that can satisfy newbies, couples, long-time toy users and women with vaginal pain issues.

Personally, I'd give the Laya Spot One Squeal. If you're a sex toy beginner or water lover, then I'll go up to Two Squeals. But, imagine those squeals as very wimpy.

Buh baya, Laya! xoxo

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received the Laya Spot free of charge in exchange for my honest review of the product.

City Girl's Squeals of Approval Chart:

1 Squeal: Bad. This toy is not worth your money. Do not pass go! Do not pay $2, let alone $200.
2 Squeals: Slightly Sub-Par. You won't hate this toy, but you won't necessarily like it either.
3 Squeals: Average/Good. This toy might not be the most innovative or satisfying, but it serves its purpose.
4 Squeals: Very good. A strong sex toy with minimal negatives that will be part of your regular line-up.
5 Squeals: Great. No toy does it better!

How nice is too nice?

For our first one-on-one date, Improv Boy suggested dinner in the city. That was perfect for me! I texted him to inquire if I should wear jeans or a skirt, and he responded: jeans. I typically date guys who wear more suits than casual clothes (and who would always want to see me in a skirt) so this was new for me. But, I reminded myself that dress doesn’t really matter and just put on a cute pair of jeans.

When Improv Boy picked me up at my place, he asked if I would like to take a cab or walk to Georgetown. I chose, as I often do, to walk. While walking, he reached over to hold my hand. That was sweet, and I tried to give him a chance. But, as I looked at him, I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to him physically and personality-wise. He was really white. (And, yes, I know that I’m white.) But, I don’t tend to date white guys.

Improv Boy and I walked up 31st Street. He stopped in front of a restaurant, Paper Moon, and said:

I love Italian food.

Me: Me too.

Improv Boy: I was torn between this place, Papa Razzi and Piccolo, but I thought that Piccolo would be best.

Me: Great!

Me [what I thought to myself]: Paper Moon â€“ the place where I used to go salsa dancing as a college intern? And, Papa Razzi, where I went once in 1998 and my Armani pants got stuck to the table because there was a wad of gum underneath? [Yes, that really happened.]

Piccolo was definitely the best choice out of the three, but none of the restaurants were truly Italian. I tried not to be a food snob, though, or knock a gift horse in the mouth. After all, Improv Boy wanted to take me out on a date. “Buckeyes” Boy lived with me for three months and only bought me breadsticks.

The maitre d’ showed us to our table on the balcony. The restaurant has only three tables for two on the balcony so it’s quite romantic. The weather was also perfect for dining al fresco, as is often the case in late April.

As Improv Boy and I talked about life, work and past relationships, I realized how little we had in common beyond sports and the arts. I wasn’t bored, but I didn’t sense much of a connection. I felt more of a friendly vibe with him, rather than a romantic spark.

We got into a conversation about being friends with exes since that’s important to both of us. We both make an effort to try to be friends with our former significant others. However, Improv Boy has a lot of back-story: an ex-wife; a girlfriend that he lived with; and an ex-fiancÃ©e.

Improv Boy: Were you ever married before?

Me: No.

Improv Boy: Any kids?

Me: No, but I’ve started looking into the process to adopt a school-aged little girl.

I spoke for a couple of minutes about my plan. Normally, I wouldn’t bring this up with a guy so early on out of fear of scaring him off. But, I really didn’t see this date going anywhere. Improv Boy made a kind comment that I would be a natural as a Mom. He then told me that he did in fact have an older child.

Improv Boy: I’m sorry that I lied to you on our walk home from Clyde’s, but I wasn’t prepared to talk about it then.

He then briefly explained that he was estranged from his 18-year-old daughter. I could tell that the topic brought him much pain. I didn’t want to judge his situation since I didn’t know many details, and yet, I couldn’t help wondering why his teenage daughter didn’t want him in her life.

Improv Boy was a total gentleman during dinner, sharing his food with me, making sure I had everything I needed and paying for the check. He was a very nice date. As we walked home, though, I wondered: how nice was too nice? Could I really be attracted to a guy like Improv Boy? Were our backgrounds, goals and interests too different?

Once we arrived at my door, that should have been the end of the date. It didn’t seem as though we were a match. And, yet, the date was far from over.

To be continued…
xoxo