It Gets Better, right?

When I first saw Dan Savage's "It Gets Better" video, I found it moving and inspiring. By the time the video ended, I had a few tears in my eyes.

As I talked about the video with my Activism and Social Media class, one student highlighted how much criticism Dan Savage, the video and the It Gets Better Project received. She asked us to consider the possibility that it might not get better for some LGBTQ youth and questioned why Savage didn’t focus on how youth, parents, schools and communities can make it better.

After class, I made a point to read posts by those who took issue with the video and project. Those posts opened my eyes to how the video wasn't as inclusive as it could have been with respect to race, gender and class.

My Sexuality and Social Media student, Samantha, explored Savage’s video and the subsequent backlash in her project. After citing the numerous problems that the blogger, Femmephane, had with the video as a response to bullying, Samantha shares her own views:

I do strongly feel as though Savage and Miller are not trying to trick anyone. I think they truly want other LGBTQ youth to be able to relate to how they used to feel, and know that life will eventually get better when they are older and more people understand what they are going through. Obviously not everyone is going to have an amazing youth and breeze through life, but life is hard for every single person. Whether you are fighting an illness, breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, mourning over the loss of a family member, or trying to overcome poverty, life is always going to be difficult in some aspect, no matter what situation you are in. Some individuals might not agree with this message, but it is coming from multiple people including celebrities that know how it feels to be bullied or harassed. Any supportive message is helpful to a person struggling, and anyone that can relate to bullying or harassment should feel empowered to share their story in hopes of inspiring others.

Samantha’s project examines the ability for online spaces, such as Facebook and blogging, to provide a strong support system for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer individuals who want to be more open about their sexuality. More of Samantha's findings are available here.

What are your thoughts on the It Gets Better video?
 

A Turquoise Giveaway

The dog days of summer mean that it’s the perfect time for a great beach read…and giveaway!

In her newly released book, Turquoise – A Love Story, Ayshe Talay-Ongan digs deep into her own life experiences to pen this high-impact novel which spans two decades, three continents and two marriages. She says the novel is written to entertain and inspire both women and men in quest of genuine love who struggle with the roles and expectations heaped on them by societal context or circumstance.

Released earlier this year, Turquoise is the story of an enduring and passionate love affair between a Turkish woman and psychologist Yasmin, and Renan, who is the husband of Yasmin’s school friend, Ani, both of whom are of Armenian origin. Upon laying eyes on Renan for the first time, Yasmin is inundated with the knowledge that she has come upon her destiny, and falls deeply in love. The challenges ahead of her loom, not the least of which is loyalty to her friend, the ethnic divide, political and socioeconomic turmoil, or immigrating from the country of their birth when the going gets tough.

Dot Whittington, the reviewer for The Weekender says, “Turquoise is not a simple romance but a tale of passion and love – the love of a child, a job, two countries and a man.”

Yasmin moves through the years with professional achievements, entrepreneurial ventures and travels, friendships, relationships and a quest for motherhood in a love-starved marriage. Turquoise also explores the violent consequence of historical and cultural contempt, which impacts Yasmin and her family above and beyond the story of unrequited love and family loyalty. According to Wendy O’Hanlon of Acres Australia, “This novel is a strong comment on the evil of how all humans have such traits and some countries are more openly prejudiced than others.” She continues, “This is a big, powerful novel of love, angst, political unrest and ethnic hatred. The author has skillfully penned these pages so that the characters are raw and real, their emotions searing, their plight palpable.”

Dr. Ayshe Talay-Ongan is a psychologist and an emeritus academic. She is the author of three textbooks in developmental psychology. Turquoise is her first novel. Its sequel Emerald is currently under way. More information about the novel and author are available here.

I have to smile that I’m posting about this giveaway today, as there’s a reunion tonight in DC for all those who attended my high school in Turkey. For those of you interested in gemology or etymology, InternetStones.com indicates that the word, “turquoise,” is probably derived from Turkey because the Turkish merchants and dealers took these gemstones to Venice for sale.

If you’d like to enter for a chance to win the book, Turquoise, just include your favorite gemstone in your comment.

You must enter by Friday, July 20th for a chance to win a hard copy or e-version of the book. Hard copies may only be shipped within the continental United States. The winner will be chosen via Random.org. Good luck!

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, this promotion is being conducted without compensation.
 

Cups of Clarity

“I write as a way to communicate with friends from all stages of my life and receive support from others.”

Those words appeared on my site three months ago, and I was reminded of why I wrote them again this week.

I needed a cup – or two – of clarity, and I received that from you all. Thank you, dear readers and friends.

In response to my post about what size implants I should get during the second phase of my reconstruction, several of you asked me the following:

How did I feel about my old breasts?

Did I think that they were too big?

Why did I wear minimizers?

Did I have back problems?

Those questions are seemingly simple, but none of them had crossed my mind before I received your comments and emails.

If I had to speculate as to why I didn’t consider them, I’d attribute it to the reality of life as a female post-breast cancer. Seeing my reflection with short hair and sparse eyelashes still makes me cringe on a good day and tear up on a bad day. The chemotherapy drugs and steroids continue to work their way out of my system so my weight isn’t something I can easily control and my immune system resembles a child’s.

I feel so different about my appearance that I think I viewed selecting implants as a way to make myself feel even more different. Since I don’t smile back at my reflection, what does it matter if my breasts are smaller? Why shouldn’t I go into Victoria’s Secret for a bra like I did when I was in my early 20s? I’m not like the old me anymore so my boobs don’t need to be mine either, right?

Your questions made me think, though. I loved my old breasts. I didn’t think that they were too big; they were perfect! I wore minimizers in public since that looked best under clothes and conveyed a more professional image. I have a lot of neck and neurological issues, but I’ve never had back problems because of my chest size (knocking on wood).

I have the clarity I need for the next phase of reconstruction. I’ll talk with my internist and physical therapist this coming week about whether a certain size is preferred from their medical perspective. Assuming that there are no restrictions on that front, I’ll let the surgeon decide what looks best in the operating room. (She’s not ordering implants as large as I was before so I’ll be at least 50 CCs smaller.) I might not feel like myself now, but I don’t need to select implants to make myself feel even more different.

I’m at peace with that approach, and I thank you for your support and input. xoxo

Is Bigger Necessarily Better?

For the majority of my life, I never shared my bra size with other people. I loved my tits, but I went out of my way not to flaunt them in public. I wore minimizers so my boobs would look 1-1 ½” smaller than they were. I chose certain tops that were boob-friendly so that they weren’t on display. I loved my big tatas, but I held that enjoyment close to my chest (pun intended, of course).

Since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, though, I feel as though my boobs are part of the public domain. I’ve shared my story and bra size with mere acquaintances, and my comfort talking about what I’m going through motivated me to write this post.

When I met with the reconstructive surgeon before my double mastectomy, I told the doctor that I wanted to be a DD. I had been a 34 F/G for the past 15 years, and I had a dream of going into Victoria’s Secret and buying a bra that didn’t cost $60.

Each week as I would get expanded at the doctor’s office, she kept asking me if I wanted to go bigger. I just kept saying, “Make me a DD.”

What I didn’t realize at that time, though, was that one size of expanders or implants doesn't fit all. Think about it. Every woman is unique in terms of height, weight, torso length, back width and build. On a woman that’s 5’2”, a G cup would look disproportionate. On me, at 5’9”, it doesn’t. Likewise, a woman who is larger in build could have the weight of my breasts and be a smaller cup size.

My real breasts were 600 CCs, and at my last expansion, my surgeon expanded me to 500 CCs. Afterward, she saw me dressed and commented, “That size looks right. Now, I notice your breasts first.”

I went home after that expansion and tried on some of my old bras. The majority of my G cup bras and all of my F cup bras fit.

A part of me felt like my dream of buying a mass-produced bra or swimsuit was snatched away from me. What does a City Girl have to do to be a DD?

Those who have seen me since that last expansion have commented that I look like my old self. My expanders are big, but not out of proportion with my body, much like my big naturals.

Three weeks from today, my expanders will be replaced with my permanent implants. (And, no, this isn’t the same as a boob job surgery since I have no breast muscle or tissue and weaker skin. In addition, the implants are inserted via my old incisions across the middle of my breasts, not via some tiny incision by the armpit.)

My surgeon wants to go into the Operating Room with three options of 450 CCs, 500 CCs, and 550 CCs. There’s a chance that I could come out of surgery wearing all my old bras!

I posted on Facebook that there’s a fine line between “nice rack” and “when do you perform?” The majority of responses indicated that when in doubt, it's best to go bigger. Women who’ve had reconstruction or implants noted that silicone is less voluminous than the expanders. And, other friends thought I should trust the doctor since she is an award-winning perfectionist.

I realize that I need to make my own decision about my implant size. But, I feel as though you all have come on this journey with me and would love your input.

Do I put my foot down and tell the doctor that I don’t want to be as big as I am now, or do I trust that she is the expert? Comments encouraged!

50 Shades Musings

I hadn't heard of 50 Shades of Grey, until my friend mentioned the book to me.

"It's really hot," she said. "It's the type of book I would have thought you would have read already…or written!"

A few days later, I received a press release from Fun Factory about the trilogy. Apparently, the main characters use the company's Smart Balls and as a result, sales of this versatile toy have skyrocketed.

The following week, my doctor brought up the book during my appointment. Every staff member in the office had read the trilogy.

With three mentions in a row, I knew that I had to download 50 Shades. As I read the first book, I found myself simultaneously turned on and frustrated by the poor editing and unrealistic sexual dynamic between Ana and Christian.

When a freelance writer, Rachel Khona, asked me for my opinion about the book, I happily provided her with my thoughts. Her questions and my answers follow:

Q: Why do you think 50 Shades of Grey has been hit with the label “Mommy Porn”?

A: Labeling the book as “Mommy Porn” is great marketing. It heightens the appeal, as women whisper about the book and its sensual contents to one another.

We are all sexual creatures on some level. We just don’t live in a society that encourages candid dialogue about human sexuality. A recent study revealed that more than a half of the women surveyed had used adult toys, and yet, the thought of going into a sex boutique makes many women blush.

Most mothers would prefer to download a book onto their Kindles or purchase a book to read after their children have gone to sleep to other more overt forms of pornography. Thinking about sex is healthy, and 50 Shades provides a safe and private way to explore to do that.

Q: Is BDSM only relegated to people with repressed natures, ie mothers? Or is it something that all kinds of people are engaged in but just not talking about?

A: BDSM has little to do with sexual repression and more to do with sexual expression. It’s a form of kink or role-play. In every relationship, one partner is more dominant in the bedroom than the other. The extent of that domination is defined subjectively, as it is very couple-specific. Hair pulling or using furry handcuffs could qualify as BDSM for some couples. For members of the kink community, though, that wouldn’t.

Q: Is calling 50 Shades mommy porn a way to demean women’s sexual fantasies? After all don’t most romantic/erotic novels attract various types of women? What makes 50 Shades is different? Or is there another reason behind calling the book Mommy Porn?

A: The difference between 50 Shades and other romantic/erotic novels is that this book has mass-market appeal and has achieved enormous commercial success. Calling the book, “mommy porn,” heightens that appeal, while simultaneously demeaning women’s sexuality and fantasies.

We live in a Puritanical society – in the United States in 2012! Open discussion about our sexuality is viewed as crass, and our education about sex typically stops around the age when we’re just starting to have sex.

Women’s sexuality may be less taboo than it was in past decades, but many women still feel the need to hide their desires and fantasies, even from their own husbands and best friends. Referring to 50 Shades as “mommy porn” only exacerbates that shame, guilt or uncertainty.

Q: Why is there no such thing as Daddy Porn? If 50 Shades were geared to men (and men found romance novels appealing) do you believe there would be so much hoopla?

A: Human sexuality is traditionally viewed through the eyes of a straight man. Men are more visual creatures by nature. As such, it’s not surprising that most men favor an overtly sexual movie, magazine or website, instead of a romance novel. Pornography has always catered to the male market. There isn’t a need for additional Daddy Porn since men’s needs and fantasies are already satiated. As a society, men are expected to be sexual creatures. If “Daddy Porn” existed, it wouldn’t receive as much criticism or controversy.

Most women’s sexuality is inextricably linked to their mind and their emotions. Candles, music, and soft sheets help to set the stage. Females require foreplay and more stimulation to reach orgasm. A book like 50 Shades of Grey straddles that delicate balance of eroticism without being so overtly sexual that it loses its desired readership.

Q: Critics have panned the writing, but why is it that the writing in “Debbie Does Dallas” not criticized for being terrible?

Critics will always find something to pan. A book that discusses sexuality or encourages women’s fantasies is subjected to criticism from numerous vantage points. Stronger writers will focus on how poorly written 50 Shades is, labeling the book as porn, instead of chick lit. Feminists will focus on how the relationship described in the book is controlling and borderline abusive. People who aren’t comfortable with their sexuality will regard the book as scandalous at a minimum or worth banning from libraries at a maximum. Active BDSM participants find the book too tame.

“Debbie Does Dallas” and other pornography movies don’t receive the same level of press, and thus, they don’t receive the same level of criticism. People don’t talk openly about porn, and the media isn’t paying the same attention to pornographic movies.

A copy of Rachel Khona's article, "The Problem With 'Mommy Porn,'" for YourTango is available here.

And, for what it's worth, I actually enjoyed the second book in the 50 Shades trilogy. My inner goddess squealed at the better editing and stronger character development!

Have you read 50 Shades? What did you think of it?

Laters, baby!

The Man

“It continues to amaze me which men step up and which men don’t, when their significant others are battling breast cancer,” my reconstructive surgeon said.

Your doctor can tell you how to best equip yourself to fight the disease or prevent a recurrence, but there’s no guide for how to make your partnership work in the midst of a health crisis. Some relationships flourish, and some flounder. You might think that you know what commitment entails or what it means to truly be there during the toughest of times, but it’s all speculation until you’re in that situation.

I had assumed that my most recent relationship would end around the time of my double mastectomy in late April. The Man and I had only been together for two-and-a-half months, after all. It was unrealistic for me to expect that he would be there for me during my surgery and recuperation.

Thankfully, I was wrong. So very wrong.

I found a man who isn’t just around when times are difficult, but a man who is present, helpful and loving. He takes initiative, and he tells me how proud I make him. He reminds me that being a survivor is sexy and that I’m strong.

I’ve been far more private about this relationship than I have with any other relationship. Some of it stems from how my career and brand have changed over the past three years. Another contributing factor is that I no longer seek volatile partners in intense relationships with every detail to later be shared and dissected online. Life has thrown me enough drama. I look for stability now in my personal and professional life, and I want to hold it close. And, finally, I’m involved with a humble man who is very private and views our time together as sacred. I respect that and would never do or post anything that would disappoint him.

With that said, I appreciate that many friends are readers, and quite a few readers have become friends. Given how many of you have prayed for my health and rooted for my happiness, I feel comfortable sharing this with you all —

There are those who leave when the going gets tough.

There are those who think that just showing up is enough.

And, then, there are those few who innately know what to say and do to make a situation better. There are those select people who value intimacy far more than they value sex and who take the time to communicate and build a solid foundation. These are the people who stick around and give of themselves unconditionally when others would walk out.

Thank you, mi amor, for being that rare man.

My 2nd Cancer-versary

June 22, 2010

My telephone vibrated in my lap. I asked my hairdresser if she could turn off the blow dryer. As I answered the call, I knew, even before the breast radiologist told me. Six previous biopsies had been benign (non-cancerous), but I had a feeling that I wouldn’t be so lucky with biopsies numbers seven and eight. When my doctor finally said the words, “breast cancer,” it felt surreal. I leaned up against the wall in the back of the salon and exhaled, as I shed a few tears.

In October, after my first round of chemotherapy, I had described my diagnosis and treatment as “a blip.” My cancer was caught early. I never doubted that I would survive. I would go through treatment, beat this horrible disease and move on.

Oh, to be so blissfully ignorant now!

There will come a day when I don’t think about cancer and what it has taken from me – directly and indirectly. But, for now, that seems far into the future.

On my second cancer-versary, I find myself rather reflective. I have so many reasons for which to be thankful! Most importantly, this was caught early, and I am in remission. My diagnosis has also strengthened old bonds and led to new relationships and opportunities. But, I’m not the same person I was two years ago. As much as I love who I am now and how my life has evolved, that doesn’t mean that I don’t grieve the old me on occasion.

Last night, I went online to look at the photo album from the night that I was diagnosed. I surprisingly found a photograph that I didn't know existed. It's not the best shot, but I remember vividly where my friend and I were standing in the bar, what we said, and our body language. That was the first time I told someone in person that I had cancer.

  

With K Street Kate

With Rania Jaziri of Jordin's Paradise, June 22, 2010

I miss the City Girl that I see in this photo.

For those of you who have followed my journey and offered support online and off, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Please make sure that you have an annual appointment with a doctor and know how to conduct a self-breast or testicle exam. If you're a sexually-active female, visit a gynecologist and get a pap smear every year. If you’re female and at least 40 years of age (35, if you have a family history), schedule your mammogram annually. If you find or feel anything off with your body, trust your instincts and call your doctor. If you’re an adult and don’t have a primary care physician, get one!

There is so much in life that we can’t control. Staying on top of our health is something we do have control over.

With gentle hugs, much appreciation and best wishes for many decades ahead for all of us, Stef

Low on the learning curve

I teach sexuality, but I know far too little about the transgender community. I’ve corrected people for referring to someone with a disrespectful pronoun like “shim” or claiming that gender identity is a choice or mental illness. But, I'm not naive enough to think that separating right from wrong is the same as having a comprehensive understanding of transgender issues.

“What do I mean by ‘transgender?’” you might be wondering.

According to the National Center for Transgender Equality, as cited in Ryan's project for my class, transgender is:

An umbrella term for people whose gender identity, expression or behavior is different from those typically associated with their assigned sex at birth, including but not limited to transsexuals, crossdressers, androgynous people, genderqueers, and gender non-conforming people (NCTE). Transgender is a broad term and is good for non-transgender people to use. “Trans” is shorthand for “transgender” (NCTE).

On his blog, Ryan writes:

I plan to explore society’s perception of gender expression and how it is affected by the powerful influences of social media….I have become fascinated by the different dynamics of power and privilege that are dependent on one’s social location in our society. Gender expression and how we perceive gender play a big role in this. As social media dominates the lives of younger people, I am interested to explore what impact this has on how we see gender, gender identity, and gender expression.

Ryan specifically examined “the different developmental milestones of four different groups of identities: FTM (Female-to-Male), MTF (Male-to-Female), female-presenting cross-dressers (CD), and genderqueer (GQ) (Beemyn and Rankin).” In his project, he also showed “the similarities that bind these experiences under the umbrella of the transgender experience, but also the differences and clear distinctions between each group and how these experiences are also not all the same.”

I had been thinking about Ryan's findings, when I learned that a friend’s partner decided to transition and was scheduled to have top surgery (a double mastectomy). It saddened and disgusted me to find out that very few insurance companies will cover his procedure, and that his surgery and travel to an experienced doctor will run between $8,000-$10,000. He will also need to pay for laboratory fees, hormonal therapy and an appointment with a therapist.

Even when insurance doesn't cover top surgery, the patient must obtain a letter from a Gender Therapist, stating that "Transgender Surgery is the next step in their treatment for Gender Identity Disorder or Gender Transition," and "they are psychologically ready for this next step in their therapy."

Who would decide to have a major surgery such as a double mastectomy precipitously?

Why must a therapist diagnose a patient as having a "disorder" since that is both insulting and irrelevant?

And, finally, why won't insurance companies consider paying at least a portion of the costs for a medical procedure that is necessary for a man to become whole?

I have a lot more to learn, but I’m thankful for people like Ryan who are willing to educate others and encourage dialogue.

Interested in reading more of Ryan’s findings? Check out his blog and follow him on Twitter.

Absence makes the heart grow…

Let’s start the week off with a reader’s relationship question.

Question: My boyfriend and I were living in the same city for five months before he left….. 1200 miles away. I knew he would be leaving before we started dating, but we are pretty much perfect for each other. We decided to stay together while he was gone because we are very happy together. I figured I would get used to him being gone, and that it would get easier with time, especially since we already have a trip planned together coming up. But, I'm a worrier, a dweller, an all-around anxiety driven person. It has been almost two months, and I still cry quite frequently. I am miserable without being with him. We text every day, and talk on Skype sometimes. But Skyping and seeing him almost makes me sadder. I just want to be with him physically so badly. The only thing worse than us not being together right now would never being together again, the reason why I don't end things.

I'm just wondering if it ever gets any better? How can I figure out a way to stop being jealous of all the couples together around me? How can I find my happy place within this relationship so that I can stop crying to him? I'm not sure if I'll ever be happy doing the long distance thing. I'm scared of what it will do to our relationship! Thanks!

Answer: I’m sorry that the distance between you and your boyfriend has been so difficult for you to deal with. Long-distance relationships aren’t for everyone, but it sounds as though you and your boyfriend are doing your best to make things work.

A few questions or approaches that you might wish to consider are:

1. Face your fears. What are you scared of? The physical distance leading to emotional distance? The possibility that he might cheat on you? The chance that your emotions might scare him off?

Has he given you any indication that this arrangement isn’t working for him? Has someone cheated on you in a similar situation in the past? Have your emotions gotten the best of you (we’ve all been there in one form or another) in a past relationship with negative repercussions? Is this your first serious relationship? Or, is this all new for you and that’s what’s scary? It can be easier to deal with your anxieties when you can figure out what exactly they are.

2. Communicate. Talk openly with your boyfriend about your wants and needs and his wants and needs. How can both of your needs be met despite the distance? Are there small gestures or affirmations from him that would make a significant difference for you? If so, let him know!

3. Call for reinforcements. Distance is often tougher on the person who isn’t leaving. Make an effort to reach out to loved ones you have at home. Set up as many plans as you can so you're not just home alone.

If your anxiety is making it difficult to get through the day, I strongly urge you to talk to your doctor or therapist. Chronic anxiety affects approximately 20% of Americans and is nothing to be ashamed of.

4. Try something new. Take a class, volunteer, or join a yoga studio or sports team.

5. Wait and see. How soon is your trip with your boyfriend? If you can find a way to channel your emotions into the joy of seeing him, it might be worth reevaluating your relationship and the distance once you’re together. How frequently can you visit each other or travel together? Is his move permanent? Will you living in the same city in the future? If you get get to the point where you can focus on the big picture, it might make the day-to-day easier to deal with.

Please take care and let me know how it goes.

What advice would you give to this reader?