Stef Woods

Lelo Tiani 2

There are many things that are better in theory than in practice, and I would have to include remote-controlled adult toys on that list. I had hoped that I would enjoy the design edition of Lelo’s Tiani more than the original, but the second edition didn't grab my interest either.

I opened the sleek black box to find a Lelo Insignia pin inside. You might wish to proclaim that you use a certain line of adult products via a brooch, but I'm more of a minimalist when it comes to jewelry.

The waterproof Tiani features a vibrating rechargeable U-shaped insertable toy and a vibrating battery-operated remote control. Insert two AAA batteries into the remote, charge the insertable toy for several hours, and you’re ready to go!

The smaller end of the U-shaped toy goes inside your pussy and should be tilted toward the front to allow for internal stimulation. The more bulbous end of the toy rests outside on your clit. The U-shaped toy is designed to be worn by itself for solo use or during sex in the missionary position. The second attachment (not shown above) provides more options if you’d prefer to use the toy in other positions. You can use the Tiani 2 with or without the remote control. Shaking or tilting the remote control alters the strength and pace of the vibrations on the toy. You can increase the vibrations by pressing the “+” sign on the remote, or you can change the pulse and pattern of the vibrations by pressing the top of the U-shaped toy.

The Tiani 2 has more power and range than the original edition. You won’t have to worry about the toy completely turning off when a body part is blocking the connection. However, if the front of the remote control isn’t facing the top of the U-shaped toy, the power of the toy weakens considerably. And, even on its highest vibrations, the toy won’t satisfy a user who needs intensity.

As much as adult toy companies try to make products with mass appeal, it’s impossible to please everyone all of the time. The Tiani 2 wasn't strong enough for my liking and didn’t feel comfortable during solo use. I liked that the remote control had a better connection to the toy than the original edition did, but I still wasn't a fan of the remote. For use as a couple, that option didn’t work for more than a couple of minutes. To quote my friend after she tried the couples’ massager, “there wasn’t enough room for both the toy and [her husband]. The toy just kept booting him out.”

In a conversation with sexuality educator and author Dr. Ruth Neustifter, I also learned the following:

"All of the pretty chrome Lelo toys have a troubling valley where the chrome meets the silicone coated ABS plastic, and that area requires special cleaning attention lest crustiness build up. This is true on both the remote and [U-shaped] toy. Furthermore, in order to recharge the vibe on the [Tiani], it is unscrewed from the tail and plugged in. The place where these two parts screw together collects quite a bit of lube and people juices, and is not easy to clean without pulling it apart and flushing out the tail part thoroughly and pulling out the Q-tips and cleaner for the vibrating section."

I sent Dr. Ruthie’s post to my friends at Lelo headquarters in the hopes that the cleaning problem would be rectified. Unfortunately, though, that wasn’t the case.

Lelo, I love many of your products! The Siri, Elise and Tor are among my favorite adult toys on the market. Nonetheless, your Insignia line doesn’t get my badge of honor.

With that said, who might enjoy the Tiani 2?

Couples who are fascinated by gadgets. The Tiani 2 did win the 2012 Red Dot Award for innovative design;
Women who need or prefer light vibrations, including those just cleared to orgasm after illness or childbirth;
Couples looking to reconnect in a unique way;
Individuals or couples interested in a body-friendly, waterproof product;
Couples in which the male isn’t well endowed;
Individuals or couples interested in a bestselling toy from a respected company, irrespective of price point ($159); and
Couples who have enjoyed remote-controlled products in the past, but would benefit from the improved power, range and versatility of the design edition.

*Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received the Lelo Tiani 2 product free of charge in exchange for my honest assessment herein.

Recess

I hadn’t planned on joining Congress in taking a recess during August, but apparently, I, too, needed a break from blogging. Ironically, though, the past month has been anything but uneventful.

The Boobs (or “Foobs,” as some of us in the breast cancer community call them): The first week after my reconstructive surgery was rougher than I had previously indicated. See, the surgery had ended, but I surprisingly woke up while I was still in the Operating Room. That’s not supposed to happen under general anesthesia! I began screaming, “It’s too soon! It’s too soon!” As I was moved onto the gurney and wheeled into the Recovery Room, I felt very dizzy and got sick. Those symptoms continued for the next five days.

One week later, I noticed that my left breast looked sunburned. It was pink in color, swollen, slightly painful and warm to the touch. I wasn’t sure what was going on so I paged my doctor on the weekend. She recommended that I meet her at her office on a Sunday. (Yes, it helps to have doctors like this who go above and beyond!)

The thought was that I had developed an odd reaction or mild infection. She put me on more antibiotics. In total, I’ve been on antibiotics for all but five days out of a two-month period!

Two weeks later, the “sunburn” is slightly better. The left side is still swollen, though, and the surgeon thinks that my skin is having an abnormal reaction to everything that has transpired. The hope is that it will improve naturally over the next month or two.

Teaching: To say that I love teaching at American University would be an understatement! Nevertheless, it might not have been the best move to agree to teach a seven-week online class during my season of surgeries! (I'm sure I should have rested and relaxed a lot more than I did.) The summer class required me to be online so much that I just didn’t have the energy to be writing outside of that.

The Man: If I’ve had free time over the past month, I’ve spent it with my loved ones. The Man is definitely at the top of that list! Since surgery, he’s handled every ride, every dog walk, every grocery store run and every doctor’s appointment. I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve someone as wonderful and caring as him in my life, but I feel grateful.

I hope that all of you had a relaxing and fun summer! How did you spend your holiday weekend?

The Love Commitment Giveaway

Would you love to win a copy of Doc Scriven’s book, TheLoveCommitment.com?

Fast-paced and told from a unique perspective, TheLoveCommitment.com is charming, provocative, and delivers to singles and couples looking for a thoughtful and exciting relationship novel. But be warned. TheLoveCommitment.com is not just a novel. It's also a blueprint by which romantic relationships can be structured and streamlined in favor of both men and women, ultimately leading to marriage in two years or less. As a bonus, TheLoveCommitment.com contains questions in the back for Book Clubs as well as those interested in experiencing a real-life, Love Commitment journey for themselves.

Book Summary: Gigi and Timo had been living together in Atlanta for a year and dating for three. But one evening, after she broached the subject of marriage, an argument ensued followed by a break-up that kept them apart for three additional years. When they finally meet again, Gigi and her best friend, Sheila, have discovered a system that transforms love from an art to a science. With it, Gigi has a new man and is leveling the playing field between the sexes. Meanwhile, Timo is trying desperately to re-enter Gigi's life for reasons of love and revenge.

About the Author: Darryl “Doc” Scriven is a graduate of both Florida A&M University and Purdue University. He earned a Ph.D. in Philosophy and has taught at Wilberforce University, Southern University, Tuskegee University, and lectured at dozens of universities across the country and world. Doc is the author of seven books ranging from fiction to academic to self-improvement. TheLoveCommitment.com is his second novel. He is co-founder of The African American Family Enrichment Institute in Atlanta, Georgia and, as such, is committed to building families that will thrive for generations. To learn more, visit www.TheLoveCommitment.com. You can also check out the trailer for Doc Scriven's documentary.

If you’d like to enter to win a hard or electronic copy of the book, comment with your definition of commitment.

Giveaway Rules: This giveaway will run through Tuesday, August 14, 2012 at 11:59pm est. One winner will be chosen randomly via Random.org. You must reside in the continental United States to win a hard copy of the book. Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, no compensation was received in exchange for this post or giveaway.

I Didn’t Have a Boob Job!

“I thought that you were done with surgery, Stef. What are you going in for this time?” several friends inquire.

“This is the second stage of reconstruction,” I reply, noticing my friends’ confusion. “They take the temporary expanders out and put the permanent implants in.”

Knowing looks follow, as my friends begin to register what the process entails. I quickly interject:

This isn’t like getting a boob job, though.

“It’s not?!?” they comment with surprise. I then exhale as they launch into a well-intentioned story or ask a question about elective breast surgery.

How is Breast Reconstruction Phase Two not like Breast Augmentation?

1. The Incision: During a boob job, the surgeon makes a tiny incision near the armpit, the areola or below the breast. In breast reconstruction, the surgeon needs to open up the old mastectomy incisions. If my breasts were globes, my scars resemble the equator. My incisions are thin, but they are the entire width of my breasts. (For those of you who would like to see a photo, the first image from David Jay’s Scar Project is a realistic depiction of what my breasts will look like once the stitches dissolve.)

Yes, scars will fade. Yes, I can use Vitamin E oil to expedite the process. But, my surgeon anticipates that I will need laser treatments next year to help reduce the appearance of the scars.

2. Nipples: Women with elective breast surgeries still have their nipples. I have none since they were removed during my mastectomy surgery. (Breast cancer can originate in the milk ducts.) My boobs are like those on a Barbie doll. I plan to get new nipples made from a skin graft as soon as I am able to in 2013.

3. Muscle, Tissue and Swelling: In a boob job, implants are placed over existing muscle and tissue. That’s why after a breast augmentation, a woman’s breasts are so high and pronounced. During a mastectomy, all breast tissue and muscle are removed. Since I don’t have any breast tissue or muscle, I’m not swollen. What I see when I take off my surgical bra is an accurate representation of the size of my breasts.

4. Excitement: Women who get breast augmentation are elated to show you their fabulous new tatas. They chose this elective surgery. They wanted their new breasts.

I had breast cancer. I decided to get mastectomies and reconstruction, after reviewing my options with my team of oncologists and surgeons. Prior to my diagnosis, I never thought about getting any cosmetic surgery on my breasts.

Am I cautiously optimistic that this is my last surgery for a year? Yes. Am I thankful that these surgeries have dramatically reduced my risk of getting breast cancer again? Of course. Are they large, symmetrical and perky? Yep! Do I view my breasts as "mine" anymore? No, not at all.

I viewed last week's surgery as a necessity. I needed to have the expanders replaced with permanent implants, and they were. I've jumped over the next hurdle.

I felt angry and sad regarding my mastectomies and ambivalent about reconstruction. Nothing about this process has involved excitement, aside from the news that I'm cancer-free.

I’ve tried to be as open as I can throughout this process, and I’ll happily answer any questions that you might have. Just please don’t ask me about my boob job.

The Change

It happens to 50% of breast cancer patients under the age of 35 who require chemotherapy.

For those breast cancer patients who need chemo and are 35-40, the statistics go up to 80%.

If you are over 45, have breast cancer and receive chemotherapy, it’s almost guaranteed to happen to you!

“What are you talking about, City Girl?” you might be wondering.

The Big M. The Change. Menopause.

How does chemotherapy-induced menopause differ from traditional menopause? Dr. Melody Cobleigh of BreastCancer.org describes it as follows:

“Natural menopause is a fender bender, whereas medical or surgical menopause is like hitting a brick wall at sixty miles an hour.”

That analogy resonated with me. In October 2010, one month after I received my first round of chemotherapy, I began to hemorrhage. By November, I stopped bleeding entirely, and the hot flashes started. Night sweats, sleep problems, and irritability soon became part of my daily routine. And, then, there was the dryness down there. Yes…there!

Think about it. Back then, I was the 37-year-old sex blogger with an active dating life. Once menopause hit, I couldn’t get wet even when I was turned on. If I wasn’t a woman who prioritized sex during treatment, it would have been very easy to just forgo the act entirely. I had to consistently remind myself that this was important to me since my body wasn’t cooperating.

During chemo-induced menopause, traditional sex was painful at times, and I always needed a lot of lubrication. It took me much longer to reach orgasm. Cuddling for more than a few minutes would cause me to get such intense hot flashes that the entire bed would be wet from my perspiration. And, the lack of natural moisture made my pelvic muscles tighten up so much that I felt like I often had a UTI, even though I didn’t.

I didn’t write tons about this all during treatment because I needed to channel my energy in a positive direction. Medical menopause isn’t sexy. It's not easy to talk about. And, it made a tough time in my life even tougher.

Once I finished chemotherapy and stopped estrogen blockers, my menopause side effects subsided. I wasn’t surprised when my period returned in August 2011. However, when my cycle resumed, it was quarterly, not monthly. I wasn’t in full menopause anymore, but I wasn’t back to normal either. I called it, “The Pause.”

Something inside my body finally decided to press the “Play” button, though. I'm pausing no more. My 30-day cycle returned. Menopause is over, although the doctors believe that given my age and chemotherapy, my eggs are no longer viable. I'm hoping that the next time I experience menopause will just be in the words of Dr. Cobleigh, "a fender bender."

What are my tips for female breast cancer patients under the age of 45 who might have to worry about early menopause?

1. Talk to your doctor, nurse or case manager before you start treatment about the possibility of medical menopause. What should you watch out for? What's the protocol if you start hemorrhaging? Will you need to take an estrogen-blocking medication after chemo that could prolong or induce menopause?

2. Think about the long term before you deal with the day-to-day of treatment. Do you want to have biological children? If so, should you meet with a fertility specialist to discuss freezing your eggs before you begin chemotherapy? Err on the side of keeping all of your options open.

3. Be informed! Read as much as you can from reliable medical sources, check out nonprofits such as Fertile Action, and talk to survivors who have been through it before.

4. Make healthy choices for your body. Approximately ¾ of breast cancers feed on estrogen. Many toiletries, including lubricants and vaginal moisturizers, contain parabens, which weakly mimic the action of estrogen in a woman’s body. Select products that are paraben-free.

Did you know that chemotherapy could cause medical menopause? If you are a patient or survivor, what was your experience?

How can I masturbate when I have a roommate?

Let’s start the week off with a reader’s question via Formspring!

Question: As a college student, it's hard to find time to explore your body when you have a roommate that might come in at any time… what would you suggest?

Answer: Your predicament isn’t one that only college students residing in dormitories experience. Living in close quarters with roommates, in-laws and children can make it incredibly difficult to have the ability to spend some quality time with yourself!

What can you do to get some much-needed space and privacy?

Break out your calendar. How does your weekly schedule compare to your roommate’s schedule? When you live with someone, it helps to have a general idea of when they’ll be home or not for safety reasons and planning purposes. Figure out when your roommate will be in class or occupied with other commitments and enjoy that time to yourself.
Ask for space. Healthy distance between people living in close quarters is important. Few people will decline an opportunity for some quiet and privacy. Is it possible to set up a system to allow you both to have an hour or two in the room alone?

Broach this matter with your roommate with a relaxed tone. There’s no need to feel ashamed or tell more than you need to.

What not to say: “I’m looking to masturbate. Can I have some privacy on Thursday nights at 9pm?

What to say: "I thought it might be good for each of us to get the place to ourselves for a couple hours each week. How does that sound to you?”

• Be creative. Do you own a small, quiet vibrator that can help you maximize your enjoyment in a short amount of time? Could you read erotica on your Kindle to warm yourself up and then retire to the bathroom for a few minutes? Is your roommate a sound sleeper? Do you have access to more privacy elsewhere? Think of options that might work within your own comfort level.

• Shower time. For those of you who are living in a home with roommates or family members, have you considering purchasing a detachable shower head? Sit in the bathtub or stand up and hold onto the wall or rail. (If you’ll be standing, make sure that you have a non-skid mat or strips on the floor of the tub.) Switch the shower head to massage or vibrate and then tilt it down toward your clitoris. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. The beauty of the shower head is that you can obtain an intense orgasm in a short amount of time without causing anyone to wonder what you’re up to!

For those of you who have lived with others in close quarters, how did you manage to get some quality time with yourself?

Wanting Your Old Life Back

I’ve written a lot about not feeling like myself since I began treatment for breast cancer. Deep down, I know that I’m more than the sum of my parts, but there are moments when that doesn’t provide solace.

At a recent charity event, an acquaintance complimented my short hair. Without missing a beat, I cringed and told her that I'm not a fan. She responded:

You should feel lucky that you’re alive!

I looked at her with a confused expression on my face and said:

I do. But why does my sadness at the after effects of chemo need to be mutually exclusive from my ability to count my blessings?

It’s not easy figuring out who you are after you’ve experienced a major life event such as being diagnosed with cancer. The rest of the world continues as normal, but your life can never go back to the way it was before. I felt that way after I started to go paralyzed in 1994, after my mom died in 1997, and when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2010.

What’s my advice for a breast cancer patient who just wants to go back to her old life? Check out my video for Breast Cancer Answers.

And, for those of you who are wondering, yes, there are still times when I need to remind myself to take my own advice! xoxo

It Gets Better, right?

When I first saw Dan Savage's "It Gets Better" video, I found it moving and inspiring. By the time the video ended, I had a few tears in my eyes.

As I talked about the video with my Activism and Social Media class, one student highlighted how much criticism Dan Savage, the video and the It Gets Better Project received. She asked us to consider the possibility that it might not get better for some LGBTQ youth and questioned why Savage didn’t focus on how youth, parents, schools and communities can make it better.

After class, I made a point to read posts by those who took issue with the video and project. Those posts opened my eyes to how the video wasn't as inclusive as it could have been with respect to race, gender and class.

My Sexuality and Social Media student, Samantha, explored Savage’s video and the subsequent backlash in her project. After citing the numerous problems that the blogger, Femmephane, had with the video as a response to bullying, Samantha shares her own views:

I do strongly feel as though Savage and Miller are not trying to trick anyone. I think they truly want other LGBTQ youth to be able to relate to how they used to feel, and know that life will eventually get better when they are older and more people understand what they are going through. Obviously not everyone is going to have an amazing youth and breeze through life, but life is hard for every single person. Whether you are fighting an illness, breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, mourning over the loss of a family member, or trying to overcome poverty, life is always going to be difficult in some aspect, no matter what situation you are in. Some individuals might not agree with this message, but it is coming from multiple people including celebrities that know how it feels to be bullied or harassed. Any supportive message is helpful to a person struggling, and anyone that can relate to bullying or harassment should feel empowered to share their story in hopes of inspiring others.

Samantha’s project examines the ability for online spaces, such as Facebook and blogging, to provide a strong support system for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer individuals who want to be more open about their sexuality. More of Samantha's findings are available here.

What are your thoughts on the It Gets Better video?

A Turquoise Giveaway

The dog days of summer mean that it’s the perfect time for a great beach read…and giveaway!

In her newly released book, Turquoise – A Love Story, Ayshe Talay-Ongan digs deep into her own life experiences to pen this high-impact novel which spans two decades, three continents and two marriages. She says the novel is written to entertain and inspire both women and men in quest of genuine love who struggle with the roles and expectations heaped on them by societal context or circumstance.

Released earlier this year, Turquoise is the story of an enduring and passionate love affair between a Turkish woman and psychologist Yasmin, and Renan, who is the husband of Yasmin’s school friend, Ani, both of whom are of Armenian origin. Upon laying eyes on Renan for the first time, Yasmin is inundated with the knowledge that she has come upon her destiny, and falls deeply in love. The challenges ahead of her loom, not the least of which is loyalty to her friend, the ethnic divide, political and socioeconomic turmoil, or immigrating from the country of their birth when the going gets tough.

Dot Whittington, the reviewer for The Weekender says, “Turquoise is not a simple romance but a tale of passion and love – the love of a child, a job, two countries and a man.”

Yasmin moves through the years with professional achievements, entrepreneurial ventures and travels, friendships, relationships and a quest for motherhood in a love-starved marriage. Turquoise also explores the violent consequence of historical and cultural contempt, which impacts Yasmin and her family above and beyond the story of unrequited love and family loyalty. According to Wendy O’Hanlon of Acres Australia, “This novel is a strong comment on the evil of how all humans have such traits and some countries are more openly prejudiced than others.” She continues, “This is a big, powerful novel of love, angst, political unrest and ethnic hatred. The author has skillfully penned these pages so that the characters are raw and real, their emotions searing, their plight palpable.”

Dr. Ayshe Talay-Ongan is a psychologist and an emeritus academic. She is the author of three textbooks in developmental psychology. Turquoise is her first novel. Its sequel Emerald is currently under way. More information about the novel and author are available here.

I have to smile that I’m posting about this giveaway today, as there’s a reunion tonight in DC for all those who attended my high school in Turkey. For those of you interested in gemology or etymology, InternetStones.com indicates that the word, “turquoise,” is probably derived from Turkey because the Turkish merchants and dealers took these gemstones to Venice for sale.

If you’d like to enter for a chance to win the book, Turquoise, just include your favorite gemstone in your comment.

You must enter by Friday, July 20th for a chance to win a hard copy or e-version of the book. Hard copies may only be shipped within the continental United States. The winner will be chosen via Random.org. Good luck!

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, this promotion is being conducted without compensation.

Cups of Clarity

“I write as a way to communicate with friends from all stages of my life and receive support from others.”

Those words appeared on my site three months ago, and I was reminded of why I wrote them again this week.

I needed a cup – or two – of clarity, and I received that from you all. Thank you, dear readers and friends.

In response to my post about what size implants I should get during the second phase of my reconstruction, several of you asked me the following:

How did I feel about my old breasts?

Did I think that they were too big?

Why did I wear minimizers?

Did I have back problems?

Those questions are seemingly simple, but none of them had crossed my mind before I received your comments and emails.

If I had to speculate as to why I didn’t consider them, I’d attribute it to the reality of life as a female post-breast cancer. Seeing my reflection with short hair and sparse eyelashes still makes me cringe on a good day and tear up on a bad day. The chemotherapy drugs and steroids continue to work their way out of my system so my weight isn’t something I can easily control and my immune system resembles a child’s.

I feel so different about my appearance that I think I viewed selecting implants as a way to make myself feel even more different. Since I don’t smile back at my reflection, what does it matter if my breasts are smaller? Why shouldn’t I go into Victoria’s Secret for a bra like I did when I was in my early 20s? I’m not like the old me anymore so my boobs don’t need to be mine either, right?

Your questions made me think, though. I loved my old breasts. I didn’t think that they were too big; they were perfect! I wore minimizers in public since that looked best under clothes and conveyed a more professional image. I have a lot of neck and neurological issues, but I’ve never had back problems because of my chest size (knocking on wood).

I have the clarity I need for the next phase of reconstruction. I’ll talk with my internist and physical therapist this coming week about whether a certain size is preferred from their medical perspective. Assuming that there are no restrictions on that front, I’ll let the surgeon decide what looks best in the operating room. (She’s not ordering implants as large as I was before so I’ll be at least 50 CCs smaller.) I might not feel like myself now, but I don’t need to select implants to make myself feel even more different.

I’m at peace with that approach, and I thank you for your support and input. xoxo