Stef Woods

One Foot In Front Of The Other

Four years ago, this blog didn’t exist. I was in a relationship with Lawyer Boy and thinking that I needed to end things for my own well being.

Three years ago, I was blogging regularly and getting the hang of Twitter. I was living with “Buckeyes” Boy, but I began to question his sincerity.

Two years ago, I was recovering from my second round of chemotherapy. The drugs caused me to hemorrhage and soon, I would be thrown into medical menopause. I was in need of companionship during treatment and was spending time with Mr. Agency and Best Boy.

One year ago, I was teaching my first semester at American University. I was dating on occasion, but my priorities had shifted. I had recently finished treatment and was busy with events and fundraisers for five different breast cancer charities.

In four years, my journey has taken a lot of twists and turns. I never imagined just how much undergoing chemotherapy would change my life. My blog isn’t as much of a priority now, and I’m far more selective about which charities I support. I seek stability from my relationships with friends and my significant other and have neither the time nor the inclination for drama. I find more joy out of teaching than I thought possible.

Professionally, it’s been a big month for me, as:

  • I was featured in the October 2012 issue of The Washingtonian about sex and cancer;
  • My Facebook status update, “It’s October 1st. We’re f*%&ing aware. To quote Redman, it’s time for some action,” inspired a post on Forbes.com; and
  • I was quoted in an article about healthy eating during chemotherapy on Today.com.

I’ve been trying to reconcile how I’ve tried to be public about my journey to help and educate others with the fact that I wish this wasn’t my journey at all. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I’m very appreciative of all the blessings that I have in my life. Nonetheless, not a day has passed in two years during which I haven’t been frustrated by some lingering chemotherapy side effect. I often wish that I could click my heels and go back to the way things were before cancer. I know that I’m doing what I am meant to do with my life, but that doesn’t mean the past two years have been easy. Is life ever really that simple?

I don't know where I'll be in a year, although I hope that my career and relationship continue on this same path. I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where life takes me next.

Has your life taken a twist or turn that was simultaneously very difficult and very positive?

Please Think Before You Speak

I communicate regularly with other young women who have battled or are battling breast cancer. It continues to amaze and disappoint me to hear the comments that loved ones and acquaintances will say to a patient during their cancer journey.

Earlier this month, Blisstree posted an article on its site entitled: “Real Survivors Talk: 7 Things Not To Say To Someone With Breast Cancer.” Written by Hanna Brooks Olsen, I was honored that my thoughts were included in the piece. After I was diagnosed, I made a vow to do what I could to serve as a resource for other women fighting breast cancer. And, I’ll do my best to educate well-intentioned people who want to say the right thing, but don’t always know what that is. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, asking open-ended questions and listening go a long way!

Image Credit: Blisstree.com

The slideshow from Blisstree can be accessed via this link. I’ve been on the receiving end of all but two of these comments. What other zingers come to mind?

“You know you can wear a wig, right?”

“You look great, except for your hair.”

“You’ve gained weight!”

“I always wanted to get a boob job.”

“Now that you’re done with treatment, I hope that things are going to go back to normal.”

Any variation of how a patient is using cancer to get attention or shirk day-to-day responsibilities.

Which slide on Blisstree made you roll your eyes the most? Have you heard a comment that made you shake your head?

How Am I Feeling?

I try to focus on all that makes my glass half-full. I am blessed in a myriad of ways and grateful for those blessings. When it comes to my health, I had health problems before cancer and post-treatment side effects have only exacerbated my day-to-day issues. Nonetheless, I wake up every morning thankful for what I have and prepared to do whatever I can with the body that I was given.

I've received quite a few questions from kind friends and readers asking how I’m doing post-surgery. Here’s the latest:

The Foobs: I still have the odd reaction on my left boob. It looks like I got sunburned on only that area of my body. The left breast is still swollen and a bit painful, and the surgeon mentioned that she’d like to go in again to: a) see if anything is going on inside; and b) shift things around.

I’m not excited at the possibility of more surgery, but I also appreciate that the surgeon is thorough and conservative. The signs don’t point to an infection (thankfully!), but the reaction is definitely abnormal in a breast that was never radiated.

The surgeon also isn’t thrilled about how the scars are healing. (It’s possible that the swelling is putting pressure on the scars, thereby causing them to be more pronounced.) She recommended that I use silicone scar sheets in the hopes of improving the scars. If needed, I can receive laser treatments to minimize the scars in the future.

The Nipples: I have three options for nipple reconstruction:

  1. Minor surgery with a skin graft to make a raised nipple;
  2. Getting the nipples and areola tattooed; or
  3. Getting the surgery for the raised portion of the nipple and then getting a tattoo of the areola.

For those of you who have never seen a nipple tattoo, check out Little Vinnie’s Tattoos. Little Vinnie is renowned for his work, and his 3-D tattoos look like real nipples!

Post-cancer, I view my breasts with ambivalence so the thought of nipples doesn’t really excite me. If I didn’t need surgery on the left breast anyway, I would probably just get the nipples and areola tattooed. But, since one more surgery seems likely, the nipple graft won’t hopefully be that big a deal.

Neurological Issues: I’ve lost count of the number of times that I’ve gotten sick in the past two months. (And, no, I’m not pregnant.) I hit my head in early October, which has just exacerbated my symptoms. My neurologist suggested that I consider inpatient treatment at The Mayo Clinic in Minnesota to evaluate how my migraines, occipital neuralgia and how my past neurosurgeries compromised my depth perception. The stay at the clinic could be anywhere from a week to a month.

I’m on the fence about whether or not I should go. On the one hand, I try to stay open to treatments that might benefit me. On the other hand, heading to Minnesota to try experimental therapies to see if they might improve unexplained complications caused by experimental surgeries seems like too many unknowns for me. I also am all too familiar with how many neurologists just like to throw medications at a problem. I feel the best when I’m on the fewest medications possible. Do I want to disrupt that balance?

The combination of nausea, dizziness and swelling has definitely caused me to be online sporadically. I’m hoping that changes and that I’ll be less of a stranger on my own blog. I won’t let relatively minor health issues detract me from counting my blessings, but I pray that the rest of the year will be less eventful.

Let’s Trash Cancer!

Do you know what it means to “Trash Cancer?”

Trash Cancer is a movement started by Fran Drescher, cancer survivor and founder of the nonprofit, Cancer Schmancer. On September 29, 2012, 10,000 people across the United States gathered to learn about toxic chemicals in our homes, food and personal care products. I was honored to host a Trash Cancer Party at Peacock Café in Washington, DC, and am still shocked at some of the sobering statistics and facts.

  • In the US, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetimes.
  • 90% of cancers are environmental and lifestyle related.
  • There’s aluminum in many toothpastes, astringents and anti-perspirants.
  • Eating one extra sausage or three slices of bacon a day increases a person’s risk of pancreatic cancer by 19%.
  • Most lipsticks contain lead.
  • Consuming hot dogs put children at nine times the risk for childhood leukemia.
  • The US hasn’t banned the use of PVCs (containing chemical phthalates) in soft vinyl children’s toys, PFCs in non-stick cookware, and formaldehyde in baby shampoo.
  • “Wrinkle-free” products typically contain cancer-causing chemicals.

We can become better consumers, though, and choose products that don’t contain too many of the 80,000 chemicals that are potentially toxic and unregulated or underregulated by the federal government.

You can check out how your products rank on a 0-10 scale (with 10 being the best) on the Trash Cancer site. You’ll be surprised at what you discover! For instance,

  • I had switched to using natural fragrances, based on advice from many breast cancer organizations. In reality, the natural fragrances by Pacifica score the same as my preferred Hanae Mori perfume.
  • The OPI and Essie polishes that I love? An overwhelming majority of nail polishes contain numerous toxic chemicals and rate a ‘1’ on the Good Guide scale. (If anyone finds a good nail polish that gets a high ranking, please let me know!)
  • I expected brands like Burt's Bees, Bliss or Lavanilla to score high across the board. Some products in their lines did. Some didn't.

It might seem overwhelming to change many products at once. Cancer Schmancer recommends that we make one or two small steps toward change. After I was diagnosed with cancer and researched how many bath products contain parabens and phthalates, I began using soap, lotion and shower gels that are paraben and phthalate-free. (The skin is our largest organ, after all.) Now, I’ll tackle fragrance and at least some of my lipsticks.

Will you join me in becoming aware of what you’re putting in, on or around you?

CHECK the labels on the products you use (especially the first three ingredients) and visit TrashCancer.org to research your products.

CHOOSE options for change.

CHANGE by taking a small step toward a healthier lifestyle.

Does Shaving Your Head in Support Make a Difference?

Singer Kellie Pickler shaved her head earlier this month as a sign of solidarity with her best friend, Summer Miller. Summer has a family history of breast cancer and was diagnosed with the disease in June at the age of 35. In a segment for “Good Morning America,” Kellie and Summer discussed shaving their heads together, highlighted the need for early detection, and encouraged women not to wait until 40 to get a mammogram.

Coverage of the act was extremely positive. Kellie was referred to as a “celebrity activist,” and one article noted that it’s unknown just how many “cancer patients were moved by her gesture.”

Kellie’s act clearly meant a lot to her and Summer, and that in and of itself is worthy of praise. I don’t doubt that she is a loving best friend, and I’ll keep Summer in my thoughts and prayers.

As a breast cancer survivor and advocate, how did I feel about the video?

1. A close friend of mine offered to shave her head as a show of support when I was going through chemotherapy. (I think she felt as though she was too far away geographically to help with the day-to-day so she wanted to make a grand gesture.) I thanked her for the offer and her ongoing friendship and support, but told her that I was vehemently against her doing it.

By the point that my friend had reached out, I had already started chemotherapy. I was so sick that being bald was the last thing on my mind. I also didn’t believe that having a friend shave her head would have made me feel any better. In fact, having a friend make herself look different at a minimum or worse at a maximum would just have made me feel worse. I was completely bald for six months. Would my friend shave her head every week to stay bald as long as I did? Would she — or anyone who hadn't had chemotherapy — really understand the range and intensity of side effects I was experiencing?

2. Kellie is a celebrity with a genuine desire to help the cause. I thus wish that she had done any or all of the following:

  • Donated her hair to Locks of Love or Beautiful Lengths. (Locks of Love is a nonprofit that uses donated hair to make wigs for financially disadvantaged children and young adults who have lost their hair from a medical condition. Beautiful Lengths is a partnership between Pantene and the American Cancer Society to provide hairpieces made from donations to women battling cancer.) Through shaving her head and then donating her hair, Kellie could have educated women about these nonprofits and how a donation of as little as 8" of hair can make a difference;
  • Connected with a cancer organization like St. Baldrick’s Foundation and set up an online fundraising page for people to donate who were inspired by her act. (St. Baldrick’s shavees shave their heads in solidarity with kids battling cancer, while raising money from family and friends with the Foundation); and
  • Provided accurate and more specific information such as:
  • All adult females should be conducting breast self-exams every month and getting a clinical breast exam from a doctor every year.
  • If a woman has a history of breast cancer in her family, then she should begin getting mammograms annually at the age of 35. If she doesn't, then she should get a baseline mammogram at 35 and begin annual mammograms at 40. Annual mammograms before the age of 40 aren’t supported by research because younger women have denser breasts, thus leading to more false positives.
  • And, finally, many young women don’t know what to do when they’ve found a lump. They also don’t realize that the overwhelming majority of breast lumps are benign (non-cancerous).

When Kellie shaved her head in solidarity with Summer, it was a special moment between two best friends. Given Kellie's reach and visibility, I just hope that the efforts and education don’t stop there.

Readers, how do you feel about what Kellie did? Are you a patient or survivor who was moved by the video? Do you regard Kellie as a celebrity activist?

Woman on Top

“My husband really likes it when I’m on top, but I don’t find it that enjoyable. Do you have any tips for making it better?” my friend inquired.

Before exploring options in the cowgirl position, it’s worth defining what you mean by enjoyable. Are you able to have a vaginal orgasm in other positions and want to do so now when you’re on top? Is that a difficult position for you to stay in for an extended period of time because it’s uncomfortable or you don’t know what to do? Or, do you simply like other positions more?

75% of women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone, and 10-15% never orgasm. If you are able to orgasm from other positions, communicate with your husband. Make sure he knows from your words, expressions or movements when you’re reaching orgasm or if you’d like to switch positions.

If you haven’t reached orgasm on top, experiment with different angles. Rest your arms on the wall, or use a couch or headboard for leverage. Arch your back away from your husband during one session, and then put your chest on top of his for another. Sit on top of him and have him sit up, too. Straddle him with your knees on the bed and then switch to a squatting position in which your feet are on the bed. Or, try the reverse cowgirl position so your back is facing his chest.

With each different angle, you can vary your pace from slower to faster. You can also move your body up and down, and then switch so that you move your body forward and back. Finally, rotate your hips in a circle clockwise and then counter-clockwise.

Remember that there's no need to rush through all of these angles and paces as though you’re playing “Beat The Clock.” Take your time and experiment on numerous occasions to figure out what, if anything, you enjoy.

If you find the position uncomfortable to hold for an extended period of time, it helps to find something to lean on like the back of a couch or your headboard. You can also lie or sit on top of him and ask him to move his hips up and down.

If you are like the overwhelming majority of women who can’t orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, being on top will allow you to easily touch your clit during sex. You can use your fingers, guide your man to use his fingers, or rely on the added stimulation of a body-safe cock ring. (Lelo’s Tor II and Trojan Vibrations are great picks!)

Not every woman will love every position. But, with some experimentation and communication, I hope that you’ll learn to enjoy being on top more!

So, readers, what tips do you have?

After treatment

A friend recently asked me a question about what happens after a cancer patient is done with treatment.

“My cousin finished radiation in the spring and is in remission, but she’s been having a tough time. Most of the family doesn’t want to talk about her cancer anymore; they’re just ready for things to go back to normal. Why do you think that 'The After' is so difficult?” she inquired.

 There are several reasons why it can be tough for patients once treatment is over.

1. Being diagnosed with cancer causes you to experience a range of emotions from numbness to denial to anger. Once surgery and treatment start, you will need to focus all of your physical and emotional energy on getting through the journey. There’s rarely the luxury of time or strength to process all that is happening. It’s difficult enough to handle your essential responsibilities – in and out of the hospital. Once treatment is done, there are less loved ones around, fewer medical appointments, and a lot of time with your thoughts. The intense emotional reflection thus tends to happen once you're in remission.

2. Doctors won’t always inform you that you might not feel better once you’re done with treatment. Chemotherapy and radiation take a toll on your blood counts in a cumulative manner. By the time you’re finished, your counts may be the lowest that they’ve been, thereby causing increased fatigue, iron deficiency and risk of infection.

3. There’s the misperception that life can just go back to normal once you're done with treatment and in remission. That’s rarely the case.  Physical side effects from treatment can linger for several years and make it difficult to return to your pre-cancer routine. There are constant reminders of what you endured. You have scars, your hair is gone, and you have the immune system of a newborn. Emotionally, you may feel confused, fearful of a recurrence, and depressed at how much your life, appearance and health have changed. You'll need time to adjust to several new normals in a short time period.

4. Your medical team will do its best to ensure that you cross the finish line into remission. But, once you’re cancer free and done with treatment, you'll go from having frequent contact with health care professionals and regular exams to sporadic visits and tests. You may feel as though you’ve lost your safety net when you’re told that you don’t need to see your doctor for months.

5. Following a cancer diagnosis, there’s an outpouring of support. The overwhelming majority of your loved ones will recognize that you will have to focus on yourself and your health. Likewise, those who are in a position to care for you will give of their own time and talents to do so. When you’re done with treatment, though, the people in your life will want everything to go back to normal. There will be the erroneous expectation that you’ll be able to handle all of your old responsibilities at the same pace and with the same stamina as before. Few will understand that you are still experiencing side effects that may include pain, sleep disturbances, digestive problems, menopause, chemo brain, fatigue, and nerve and muscle weakness. Well-intentioned comments, disinterest in hearing about your health, and unrealistic expectations might make you feel overwhelmed, misunderstood, weak or depressed.

6. There are many resources for patients during treatment, but there aren’t the same outlets for after treatment is done. Research reveals that 30% of breast cancer survivors experience depression after treatment and 20% experience body image issues. Talk to your doctor about options for counseling, medication, yoga, meditation, physical therapy and support groups before you finish treatment. Even if you don’t avail yourself of any of those resources, it’s worth having the referrals if and when you need them.

What are your thoughts on how to make post-treatment easier for survivors and loved ones?

CBCC Silk Scarf Giveaway

Capital Breast Care Center (CBCC) provides culturally appropriate breast cancer screening services and promotes health and wellness to women in the Washington, DC area, regardless of their ability to pay. Their services include clinical breast exams, mammograms, ultrasound-guided biopsies, Pap smears, and pelvic exams. CBCC performs mammograms on 2,000 DC area women annually. 100% of all private donations made to Capital Breast Care Center goes to the provision of services to women in need.

If you live in the DC area and have health insurance, you can make an appointment at CBCC for your annual clinical breast exam or mammogram. Your insurance company will be billed the customary fees for the service that you receive, and those dollars will help defer the cost of the same services to a woman without insurance. More information about the Gift of Life program is available here.

On a related tangent, over the past year, I’ve become far more selective about which products I purchase to support breast cancer organizations. Media and nonprofits have drawn attention to the downside of pinkwashing. Breast Cancer Action recommends asking the following questions before buying a pink product:

1. Does any money from this purchase go to support breast cancer programs? How much?

2. What organization will get the money? What will they do with the funds, and how do these programs turn the tide of the breast cancer epidemic?

3. Is there a "cap" on the amount the company will donate? Has this maximum already been met?

4. Does this purchase put you or someone you love at risk for exposure to toxins linked to breast cancer? What is the company doing to ensure that its products are not contributing to the breast cancer epidemic?

With those guidelines in mind, I purchased two of CBCC’s signature silk scarves for me and a lucky reader. Designed by Ibahna Creations, these scarves add sparkle to any wardrobe! Scarves are $45 (plus $2.00 shipping and handling) and can be purchased here. $25 of the purchase price goes to fund Capital Breast Care Center's services, such as screening mammograms and patient navigation. 

 

Would you like to win a CBCC signature silk scarf?

If so, comment with “Keep up the great work, CBCC!” by Friday, September 21, 2012, to enter. One winner will be chosen randomly via Random.org. The winner must reside in the United States or Canada.

What to do if it’s been a while

It’s time for a reader’s relationship question!

Question: I'm in my first relationship since my divorce several years ago. We've talked about having sex, and I feel as though that's going to happen soon. The only problem is that I'm really nervous. I know that sex is sex, and it hasn't technically changed, but what if I've lost my knack? Help! What do I do?

Answer: It's perfectly normal to feel nervous about sex with a new partner, especially when you’ve developed feelings for that person. I've felt that way several times over the years, and I appreciate that the nerves increase exponentially with the amount of time between partners. Here are some of my thoughts:

  • Communicate: Do you trust him enough to tell him how long it’s been? If so, I recommend having that conversation when you’re not in the bedroom and on a night when there’s not an expectation that you’ll be having sex. Assuming that his reaction is compassionate, that should help reaffirm your decision to take your relationship to the next level.
  • Remember that it takes two: Have you considered the possibility that he feels nervous, too? (It is a lot easier for a woman to please a man than vice-versa, right?)
  • Talk before action: Could you set the stage one night when you’re talking on the phone or having drinks? I'm envisioning some conversation about what you both want to do to each other when you see each other next. (It could be done tastefully or you could ask him to take the lead in telling you what he'd like.) You might feel more at ease if you know what's on the horizon.
  • Setting the stage: What makes you feel relaxed or sensual? Is it possible to have candles, aromatherapy, new lingerie and/or music that give you a sense of calm? Would a couple of glasses of wine help to relax you? Make a point to set the stage beforehand.
  • Managed expectations: I know that it's easier said than done, but remind yourself that the time factor doesn't really matter. Sex is different with each new partner, and it always takes some time to adapt to what works for you as a couple. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself for the first time. You guys aren't looking for a one-night stand; you're building a relationship here! Chances are that there won't be fireworks for either of you the first time, but it will still be special. The toe-curlingly good part will happen in time!
  • Affirmations: I'm a big believer in affirmations so I would send some positive reinforcements to yourself. You still have your knack! You haven't lost your mojo! And, you both care about each other enough to give yourselves to each other! That all sounds pretty good to me!

So, readers, did I miss anything? What has calmed your nerves before sex with a new partner?

St. Jude Heart of Fashion Benefit

What do you look for in a charity to support with your time or money?

In 2010 and 2011, I helped almost every charity that asked for my assistance as a volunteer, fundraiser or Host Committee member. I was proud of my efforts and the accomplishments of the organizations that I gladly served. In 2012, though, I’ve decided to be more discriminating with my time and donations.

What criteria do I evaluate in deciding which organizations to help?

  1. What is the mission of the organization? Who benefits from that mission?
  2. What events does the organization hold? Do ticket prices go to event expenses or the cause itself? How many free tickets are given out to Host Committee members and other special guests?
  3. How are donations used?
  4. Does the organization partner with similar organizations to make sure that efforts aren’t duplicative?
  5. Is the organization focused solely on awareness or is there an action or services component?

When I think of organizations that meet all of the above criteria, I think of St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. I served on the Host Committee for the St. Jude Fall Fashion Event in 2011, and I’m honored to be on the committee again this year.

St. Jude is the first and only pediatric cancer center to be designated as a comprehensive cancer center by the National Cancer Institute. Children from all 50 states and from around the world have come through the doors of St. Jude for treatment, and thousands more have benefited from the research conducted at the hospital.

No family ever pays St. Jude for anything. Working together under one roof, the St. Jude physicians and scientists have pioneered treatments that have helped push the overall survival rates for childhood cancers from less than 20% when the hospital opened in 1962 to 80% today.

The Heart of Fashion event on Saturday, September 15, 2012 at 11:00am at Neiman Marcus Washington features the Armani Fall 2012 Collection straight from New York Fashion Week. Mimosas and brunch bites will be served.

Tickets are available for purchase here. You can take comfort in the fact that 100% of all ticket sales will go to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. If you’re in the DC area, I hope you’ll join me at the event to support this very worthy cause.

What charities do you support and why?