Love

Facebook and Relationships

If your relationship isn’t “Facebook official,” is it real in this day and age of social media? Read on to learn about my thoughts on several different types of relationship modes on Facebook:

1. The Play-by-Play: They’re on. They’re off. Oh, wait, they’re back on. Friend this person so you can find out when they’re “in a relationship” or she’s “single” again. Tune in for the occasional status update in which all the specifics about what’s not working are shared with every friend she has! Also note related status updates in which a guy checks in with the boys at a sporting event or locations in Vegas, Miami or New York, or a female writes about how much she loves her girlfriends and that she’s in desperate need of a spa day or Girls’ Night Out!

2. The Photo Barometer: Are they on or off? They don’t include their relationship status in their Facebook profiles, but a simple glance at which profile picture they’re using should tell you all you want to know. A couple’s shot means that they’re on, but a photograph without the other person speaks a thousand words.

3. Peeing on the Wall: You didn’t even know that those two people knew each other, and yet, he’s writing on her wall, checking in at places with her, and commenting on her photos as though he’s getting paid to do so! It’s like The Animal Kingdom, Facebook Edition. The man wants to mark his turf and let you know that he’s staking his claim to this woman and her…I’ll go with heart. Just click “like” to encourage this behavior.

For those of you who notice a lot of comments on your wall after only one date, view this as a bright yellow flag! If you're in a relationship and don’t write on your girlfriend’s wall, while she writes a lot on yours, realize that she still feels the need to proclaim that you’re her man.

4. The Masquerade: A couple hasn’t indicated that they’re in a relationship. The two people don’t write on each others' walls. They don’t post their own pictures of themselves, and yet, they’re tagged together in photos at every event. Are they together? Yes. Are they doing their best to keep their relationship off of social media? Yes. Tag sparingly if you’re a good friend of either party.

5. The Passive-Aggressive: He doesn’t confront his significant other about a problem directly, but he’ll start a conversation about the issue on Facebook. Parenting, money, shopping, PMS and pregnancy are often the prime topics to be highlighted. Maybe relationship therapy from the Facebook peanut gallery can help smooth things over? [Insert eye roll here.] Isn’t it easier to keep certain matters private and off relatively public forums like Facebook and blogs?

6. The Glory of Love: She can’t describe her partner in a status update without the use of a minimum of three adjectives. And, there are numerous status updates a season, espousing her undying love and appreciation for her wonderful, fabulous, amazingly sweet husband. I’m all for letting others know that you love and appreciate them. And, there's nothing wrong with the occasional loving status update or wall comment. But, unless you're in the beginning stages of a relationship, me thinks thou doth praise too much.

So, readers, what did I miss? What have you seen on Facebook with respect to relationships that's worth noting? What modes do you personally use?

A Blip

During my interview 14 months ago with Let’s Talk Live, I mentioned that cancer would be “a blip” in my life. By “blip,” I meant that there was a clear beginning, middle and end. I would beat it, and then I would be done. I wish I could be so blissfully ignorant now.

After I was diagnosed with cancer in June 2010, I didn’t start treatment for three months. My breast surgeon was on vacation the week I was diagnosed. I needed three weeks to get an MRI and receive four more breast biopsies. Then, I had my lumpectomy and another surgery to remove just the right amount of clean breast tissue. And, then, we waited for a lab in California to return with the results about what type of breast cancer I had. When the results came in, they differed from the results from a lab in Maryland so another test was run.

The waiting was annoying, but I had one of the best summers that year. My life consisted of boys, blogging, breast biopsies, minor surgeries, and bopping around between charity and social events. That summer was so wonderfully vapid!

In the summer of 2010, I would have easily responded to you with a list of loved ones who would be there for me if I needed chemotherapy. I never imagined that some of my closest friends wouldn’t be there for me. Those people are not among my close friends anymore. Either you are in or you are out when it comes to being there for those you love. I wish I didn’t know at such an early age who would be there for me when the chips are down.

In the past two weeks, I’ve encountered several people who I apparently met earlier this year, yet I have no memory of meeting. I’ve also heard three stories from friends about events that transpired during treatment of which I have no recollection. I appreciate that I was given medicines that can cause temporary amnesia, but I still find that disconcerting!

My doctors regard the success of my treatment based on how long I go without my cancer returning. Decades are obviously better than years, and years are better than months. If my cancer returns within five years, my oncologist would talk about odds and the difficulties of being diagnosed at a young age with an aggressive type of cancer. He might even mention my family history of cancer or my own unique health history. He wouldn’t understand my perspective.

If my cancer returns in the next few years, I would not feel as though my treatment was worth it.

If my cancer returns next year, I would not do chemotherapy again. Period. I believe that life is meant to be treasured and that we need to respect our bodies. But, life is also meant to be lived! I required three or four days of IVs for every day of chemotherapy. To me, that does not consitute living life to the fullest.

I trust that God has a plan for me. That doesn’t mean that I need to like every stage of this journey, though. In the meantime, I'll try my best to keep my tears and frustrations to a minimum. I'll try to focus on how all the blessings in my life and trust that all of the treatment worked. But, that doesn't mean that a day goes by in which I don't miss my long hair, my old body and how carefree I was before treatment started.

I hope and pray for the day in 2016 in which I'm so much wiser than I was when I was diagnosed, but with the same amazing hair flip!

Faking it

Last week, I received three questions on Formspring related to having an orgasm. (Is there something in the air?) I’ll answer those questions in the coming weeks, but the interest in the topic has me thinking that we need to reframe the discussion.

Where’s the focus on intimacy?

Why don’t we educate women how to have orgasms, rather than commiserate over faking them?

Why, for heterosexual couples, is the focus on the guy’s lack of skill or sensitivity, or the woman’s frigidity?

Why can’t we prioritize knowing our bodies and sexual health in a positive way?

A young woman who is losing her virginity shouldn’t be expected or feel pressured to know her body as well as a woman 10, 20 or 40 years her senior. A prostate cancer survivor who can no longer ejaculate shouldn’t feel as though sex is pointless. A female who hasn’t yet experienced a vaginal orgasm shouldn’t feel as though she’s faking it. A committed couple that uses a toy to stimulate the female’s clit during sex shouldn’t question whether or not that act of sex constitutes “making love.” A guy shouldn’t feel emasculated if his wife doesn’t cum from sex or accuse her of being a cold fish.

Based on the female anatomy, most women don’t achieve women through vaginal intercourse alone. Only 14% of women always orgasm during vaginal sex, and almost 1/3 of women never do. The media appears far more concerned with talking about the problems than of promoting any solutions.

Some women orgasm easily. Some don’t.

Some people cum during foreplay. Some don’t.

Some like anal. Some don’t.

Some use sex toys. Some don’t.

Some can reach vaginal orgasm. Some can’t.

Sometimes sex is great! Sometimes it’s not.

Isn’t it more important that we try to know as much as we can about our wondrous bodies, rather than aspiring to some soap opera notion of love making? If we reframe the discussion to talk about the fun of the journey, rather than the destination, won’t we all enjoy the ride more?

There’s much fun to be had if women take the time to explore their own bodies, men learn about the clit and what their partners like, and couples communicate about their sexual health.

What are your thoughts on faking it and the pressures to reach orgasm?

Giveaway — Attracting Your Extraordinary Love

Many of us have been focusing on what we can change about ourselves to appeal to our future soulmates. Maybe it's my hair color? Perhaps I need to lose a couple pounds? No, no. Wait. It's definitely my job. No man wants a wife who does what I do. Well, ladies. After reading Attracting Your Extraordinary Love, by Ricky Cohen, I can tell you that's wrong.

Cultivated with ancient wisdom that has been proven time and time again, this book stresses the importance of finding you, before you can find him. By being true to who you are, you will attract like minded people. And, most importantly, the like-minded person. It's a quick book at a great price. It may be small in size, but it is huge in impact. Give it a shot and see what thousands have been raving about.

I wasn't planning on reading this book, but after reading the above synopsis from the publishing company, I just might! I love any author that focuses on the need for everyone to be his or her authentic self. As cliche as the expression is, there is much truth to the fact that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

One lucky winner will receive a hard or e-copy of Attracting Your Extraordinary Love. All you have to do to enter the drawing is include the following in your comment: I'd love that book! Winner will be chosen randomly on December 9th at noon.

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, a copy of this book will be provided to my reader free of charge.

The Anal-Loving Joneses

You don’t do anal sex?!? All the girls do it now.

— Statement made to a recently divorced woman from a guy she had started dating

When a friend of that woman relayed that comment to me, I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

Me: I hope she responded that ‘All guys aren’t going down on women for less than two hours at a time these days.’

My friend and I laughed, as we speculated as to why a guy would say that to a woman.

Male Friend: He’s just trying to test her boundaries.

Me: He’s trying to prey on her insecurities since she hasn’t dated in a while. It reminds me of those guys in college who would try to pressure a girl into bringing another woman into the bedroom by saying that all girls secretly fantasize about being with another woman.

Male Friend: What’s your website again? I need to send her your way. [I smile and pass him my card.]

There are certain dating rules – spoken and unspoken – that come to mind with this situation:

1. A woman never has to do anything that she doesn’t want to;

2. A woman never has to do anything that she doesn’t want to. (It’s like Fight Club. Some rules bear repeating);

3. There are quite a few guys who are just trying to get a woman into bed. (Does that apply to all men? Of course not. But, there are enough guys of this mindset that it’s worth mentioning);

4. Some guys will try to test women’s boundaries sexually and with respect to dating etiquette. (If a guy can just go over to have sex with a woman without taking her out on dates or giving her advance notice, he will do that);

5. Some women are okay with just having casual sex with men, but that’s not the norm for the majority of females; and

6. Some people are interested in trying anal sex and some aren’t. Some people love it, and some don’t. For those who are interested in trying it out, trust and communication are integral to the safety and pleasure of the act. Click here for my Anal 101 post.

No one – male or female – should engage in any sexual activity because others are doing so. That applies to freshman in college who are wondering if they are the only virgins on campus. (They aren’t.) That applies to a guy who wants to wait to have sex until he gets to know a girl, despite the fact that his buddies are all saying he should ‘seal the deal.’ (He shouldn’t, until he and the girl are ready.) And, that applies to anyone who is getting back into the dating scene and isn’t sure what he or she feels comfortable doing. If you aren't 100% sure about moving forward physically or emotionally, then you shouldn't do so. If a person won’t wait for you, then he or she isn’t the right fit as a sexual or long-term partner.

For the woman who received the comment that instigated this post:

A 2010 survey of 5,200+ people ages 14 to 70 found that 32% of women have had anal sex and 31.8% of heterosexual men have had anal sex during their lifetime. If you need more statistics, additional information is available here.

Your date is wrong on so many levels, and he was disrespectful to make you feel like you had to keep up with the Anal-Loving Joneses. If you continue to date him, make sure that he’s treating you well and not pressuring you in any way.

So, readers, did I miss anything? What are your thoughts on this issue?

Visiting the breast surgeon

I am girly-girl in all the traditional interpretations of that stereotype. My love of pink has carried over throughout the decades. (The owner of Nido, a Georgetown boutique, has commented that she can't look at a pink purse without thinking of me.)

I don't know how I feel about people sporting pink in October in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, though. What message does that color send to women about their gender and sexual identity? Does all that pink really translate into people taking more responsibility for their own health? Where does the money that is raised from the sale of pink ribbons and other similar items go to? There have been so many advancements in breast cancer research and acceptance about the disease. But, have we become to immune to how much more still needs to be done before there is a cure? Does pinkwashing lead to better preventative and early detection practices? Or, does it just dilute the message and the cause as a whole?

What are your thoughts on the pink?

Yesterday, I had to visit my breast surgeon. Here's why:

And here's what my breast surgeon said:

The pink don't mean a thing if you ain't feeling your boobies! If you'd like to read more about preventative mastectomies, here's some information from the Mayo Clinic.

I care. xoxo

Glass Half Full

Found out I’m in remission, but I’m not that happy.

When I saw those words appear in my Twitter feed, I immediately replied to my friend:

I’m grateful that you are done with treatment, but I get it. Call me if you want. Love you!

My telephone rang one minute later.

We talked about how people who haven’t been through it can only sympathize so much, despite their good intentions. I let her know that as someone who loves her, I am thrilled that she’s cancer-free. But, as a fellow cancer survivor, I appreciate all too well that her life doesn’t just return to how it was before her diagnosis.

Our perspectives have changed. Our priorities have changed. And, our relationships have changed.

We faced a "new normal" during treatment, and now, we're adjusting to another "new normal" with the end of treatment. Life is full of trials and tribulations like this but that doesn’t mean that they are easy to process or for others in our age group to understand.

I have always been cognizant of and thankful for the many blessings in my life. Even on my lowest days, my glass has been at least half full.

But, when your glass is half full, it’s also half empty. That analogy applies to how I feel like now that I’m done with treatment. I’m elated to be finished with chemotherapy, radiation and herceptin IVs, but the experience still looms over me like a dark cloud in the distance.

1. It’s a hairy situation. Chemotherapy causes the hair on your head to grow at a slower rate than normal. The chemicals also cause most women's hair to curl. Because of how thick and curly my hair is coming in, it’s growing up, rather than down. There’s also a curly, short femullet thing happening.

I have to do more to maintain my hair now than when it was down to the middle of my back. (Before cancer, I went for a blow out once a week, and that was it.) Now, I sit in the chair at the salon with sunglasses on so the other clients don’t see me crying.

I appreciate that to others with perfectly good intentions, the presence of hair on my head makes them more comfortable. But, to me, the presence of a never-ending bad hair day is a constant reminder of what has happened.

There’s also some irony that hair doesn’t return at the same pace all over. One friend and I were kvetching the other day about how we now have more hair on our legs than we've ever had before. And, my old aesthetician is baffled as to why my eyebrow hair is growing like a Chia Pet in some spots, but not in others.

2. Keeping everything in check. One friend was diagnosed with breast cancer in early 2010. She's been in remission for over a year, but she's still in the process of getting reconstructive surgeries. The idea that mastectomies and reconstruction are done in one surgery is false!

I’ll be seeing my oncologist, radiation oncologist and breast surgeon at four-month intervals. I’ll be getting one mammogram a year and one breast MRI a year. The reason for such vigilance is that when you’re diagnosed with breast cancer at a young age, there’s a greater chance of recurrence. I have between a 20-30% chance of breast cancer returning within five years. That percentage could be much higher, but it could also be lower. I can’t give much energy to a distant possibility, but I can’t ignore it either.

During my biopsy in July, my doctors commented that I have a lot of mass and fibrocystic breasts. I reminded myself then that only 2 biopsies out of 13 over the years came back as malignant (cancerous). However, it's highly likely that I will need more biopsies in the future. Being vigilant about health matters is empowering, but worrying about whether cancer has returned is very unpleasant.

3. The change. A year ago this week, I started hemorrhaging. By the end of the month, I was in menopause. I went out of menopause in late July, but my hormones now resemble those of the average teenage girl. I’ve had one period in a year. (For those of you who are wondering, I'm not pregnant. Thankfully.)

4. Ports Ahoy! My medi-port, the small device implanted under my skin through which the doctors administered medicine and took blood, is still in me. The nurses recommended that I keep it in for a while since my veins are so bad. It’s somewhat odd to think that the only reason the medi-port would need to be used is if my cancer returns. (Hey, cancer, go away! Don’t come near me! Better yet, don’t go near anyone anywhere! A girl can dream, right?)

My glass is still more than half full, but it’s a bit of a rude awakening that no longer having cancer doesn’t exactly translate into being done with cancer.

No matter what I go through, I’ve found peace when I focus on others and the cause as a whole.

With that in mind:

If you haven’t felt your boobies this month, please do!

If you find a lump, make an appointment with a breast surgeon!

If you haven’t gotten your annual gynecological appointment yet this year, please schedule one now. Make sure your gynecologist performs a clinical breast exam in addition to a pap smear during that appointment.

If you see any abnormal moles, please call a dermatologist.

Guys, feel your balls and look at your chest, too. Call the doctor if there are any abnormalities or pain.

I care. xoxo

City Girl Blogs logo

A year ago, I launched my new website from Sisarina. The site that Melanie Spring designed still makes me smile. Sisarina has a gift for giving its clients just what they want and need. I also love the logo that we picked through crowdsourcing, as it met my specifications perfectly. My red hair is part of my identity and my brand.

This past week has been filled with a lot of discussions about my professional future and where my brand is going. I’m excited about what lies ahead, although it amazes me that this site has led me to where it has. City Girl Blogs™ is in full effect!

For any of you who may be in need of my official logo for City Girl, City Girl Blogs™ or citygirlblogs.com, here are a few options for you:

City Girl Blogs logo official, City Girl Blogs, citygirlblogs.com

City Girl Blogs logo thumbnail official, citygirlblogs.com, City Girl

All other logos are not endorsed by City Girl Blogs™ and are not authorized for use for any purpose relating to City Girl Blogs™.

A YOOO for you!

A Sex Toy Haiku:

Three balls. Two motors. Magic.
In this Fun Factory toy
The YOOO. Nirvana?

I’ve written about my love of Fun Factory before. The company is internationally renowned for its quality products, innovative design and commitment to using only body-friendly materials.

The YOOO (pronounced like “You”) is a recent addition to Fun Factory’s collection of sex toys that win on form and function. Each “O” in the product’s name stands for one of the three O-shaped balls or bubbles.

Although this toy resembles Micky Mouse’s ears or a video game joystick, the YOOO was made with 100% medical-grade silicone and was clearly designed for discriminating adult consumers.

The dual motors allow the toy to be stronger than most products of a comparable size and provide a variety of pleasure sensations. The toy is easy to charge and operate. When you get your YOOO, charge it as soon as you can since for its initial charge, it’s recommended that you connect it for 12 hours. (I don’t know why that is, but I just view it like when I get a new cell phone. One overnight charge = good to go!)

The product comes with a Fun Magnetic Plug that allows you to charge it with just a click of the magnets. (Match the words, “Fun Factory,” on the magnetic plug with the same words on the top of the YOOO and you’re all set.)

Once the toy has been charged, press the “+” sign firmly to turn the YOOO on and continue to press that button to increase the toy’s vibrations. If you’d like an added surge of intensity, hold the “*” button down firmly, and you will feel the effects of the power boost. If you’d like to decrease the vibrations, press the “-“ button and hold that button down for a second or two firmly to turn off the YOOO.

Three balls and two motors might make you think that this toy is for dual stimulation. It is, but the stimulation is external, rather than internal.

“What does that mean?” you might be wondering.

Well, a female can use this toy on her clit and the lips of her pussy, or her pussy lips and the exterior of her ass. A man can use the toy on his perineum (the sensitive spot between the base of his cock below his balls and above his ass) and the exterior of his ass. A guy can also put his shaft between the two balls to add vibrations to a hand job, blow job or masturbation.

This toy offers eight speeds of vibrations so I highly recommend it for toy newbies and toy aficionados. If you’re a woman who achieves orgasms regularly from a wand and has become desensitized to clitoral orgasms from other means, I advise taking a break from your wand for several days to maximize your enjoyment from the YOOO. Wands have stronger vibrations, but the YOOO’s two motors with the turbo boost allow for a distinctly different experience that’s worth the ride!

Since this product looks like a children’s toy, it’s perfect for those of you with little ones at home. On the noise front, the YOOO’s vibrations resemble a low-pitched hum, rather than a high-pitched squeal or loud jack-hammer. I thus regard the toy as relatively quiet. Even on its highest setting, your roommate, neighbor or family shouldn’t hear you.

Given its versatility, the YOOO excels as a toy for couples. The product won’t intimidate a straight man or someone who hasn’t previously used toys in the bedroom. You can take it into the bath or shower with you since it’s one of the few rechargeable toys that’s waterproof. And, with its three balls and two motors, there are a lot of options when adding the toy into your oral, anal or vaginal sexual routine.

I give Fun Factory’s YOOO Four Squeals of Approval as a solid toy for couples with or without children, toy newbies, people who enjoy water sports, people who live in close quarters, and women who prefer moderate external stimulation.

Try it. YOOO might like it!

The YOOO retails for $99.90.

Pursuant to FCC Guidelines, I received the YOOO from Fun Factory free of charge in exchange for my honest assessment of the product.

Helping a loved one during a health crisis

I've written before about how to show support for a loved one experiencing a health crisis. It's important to acknowledge that this is a difficult time, listen to your loved one, and reach out with a card or email. But, what if you wish to play a more active role in the caregiving process? Here are a few of my suggestions:

1. No Pop Ins. If you’d like to visit a loved one who is dealing with a medical issue, call or text in advance. (Texting is preferable for those who use text messaging since most people have longer or louder rings for telephone calls.) This rule applies whether or not the person is in the hospital or at home.

There are times when your loved one will need and want company. However, there are other times when your loved one will not. Medication side effects, sleeping difficulties, doctors’ appointments, tests and the amount of people already scheduled to visit vary from day-to-day, if not hour-to-hour. If you wish to see the patient, give him or her the right of refusal, thereby ensuring that your visit is about the person who is ill, not you.

2. Check Yo’ Self: When a person is going through a major health issue, the crisis affects all the people in his or her life. You, as a loved one, are entitled to feel sad, angry, confused or any other emotion. You also might not be able to control the other problems in your own life that are impacting you at the same time that your loved one is dealing with a health crisis. Feel whatever you are feeling and process whatever you need to process.

However, try not to burden the loved one with your issues while he or she is fighting his or her own battles. Or, if you feel as though you need to share your emotions with your loved one, ask him or her before unloading. Talking about your problems might be a welcome diversion for your loved one, or it might overwhelm him or her. You won't know unless you ask.

3. Sincerity Counts: If you are willing to help a person in his or her time of need, let him or her know how to get in touch with you. Don’t assume that the person has your number or will have the time or energy to contact you via Facebook or a third party.

4. Specifics Matter: No one person can realistically be there 100% of the time for anyone else. We all have lives and responsibilities. But, if you want to show support for a loved one during a health crisis, think of what you can do.

Are you a night owl and could handle a late request? Do you and your friend both have children and you could help with car pool? Is your work schedule flexible and you could accompany your significant other to the hospital? Are you heading to the grocery store and could pick up a few things and bring them over to your aunt’s house? Are you technologically savvy and could easily install a computer program or new television and show your neighbor how to use it? Do you enjoy baking and could leave some food in front of your friend's dorm room?

Think of what works for you, your skills, your schedule. Then think about what your loved one needs and throw out a few specific suggestions. Your thoughtfulness will be appreciated!

5. Help or Company: When some people are experiencing a health crisis, they just want company. Having someone close to eat with, talk to or watch television is all that’s needed. This is often the case when the patient is staying in a medical facility.

Other people will be in need of actual help. Help might consist of rides to treatment, picking up medication from the pharmacy, getting mail, or assistance with pets or children. Are you more of a caregiver or a companion? There are benefits to both, and it might be useful to the person going through the medical issue to know what to expect in advance of your arrival.

Sometimes a patient might just want to talk, while other times, he or she might need actual help and find company draining. If you are more of a “companion,” try to be as self-sufficient as possible. Bring food and drinks with you or ask for permission to peruse your loved one’s kitchen so that he or she doesn’t need to keep getting up and down. Limit your visits to one hour, unless he or she requests for you to stay longer. If the patient is in the hospital, respect visiting hours and automatically excuse yourself when the doctors perform their rounds. Don't assume that your loved one wants you in the room for any discussions with his or her medical team.

If you are visiting from out-of-town, discuss the purpose of your visit and your loved one's needs in advance of your arrival. Do what you can to ensure that your trip goes well and that your loved one doesn't need to entertain you.

I'll be writing more about this topic, but I'd love to hear your thoughts about what I mentioned, what I missed, and what has worked for you and your loved ones. xoxo