Love

The Love Commitment Giveaway

Would you love to win a copy of Doc Scriven’s book, TheLoveCommitment.com?

Fast-paced and told from a unique perspective, TheLoveCommitment.com is charming, provocative, and delivers to singles and couples looking for a thoughtful and exciting relationship novel. But be warned. TheLoveCommitment.com is not just a novel. It's also a blueprint by which romantic relationships can be structured and streamlined in favor of both men and women, ultimately leading to marriage in two years or less. As a bonus, TheLoveCommitment.com contains questions in the back for Book Clubs as well as those interested in experiencing a real-life, Love Commitment journey for themselves.

Book Summary: Gigi and Timo had been living together in Atlanta for a year and dating for three. But one evening, after she broached the subject of marriage, an argument ensued followed by a break-up that kept them apart for three additional years. When they finally meet again, Gigi and her best friend, Sheila, have discovered a system that transforms love from an art to a science. With it, Gigi has a new man and is leveling the playing field between the sexes. Meanwhile, Timo is trying desperately to re-enter Gigi's life for reasons of love and revenge.


About the Author: Darryl “Doc” Scriven is a graduate of both Florida A&M University and Purdue University. He earned a Ph.D. in Philosophy and has taught at Wilberforce University, Southern University, Tuskegee University, and lectured at dozens of universities across the country and world. Doc is the author of seven books ranging from fiction to academic to self-improvement. TheLoveCommitment.com is his second novel. He is co-founder of The African American Family Enrichment Institute in Atlanta, Georgia and, as such, is committed to building families that will thrive for generations. To learn more, visit www.TheLoveCommitment.com. You can also check out the trailer for Doc Scriven's documentary.


 

If you’d like to enter to win a hard or electronic copy of the book, comment with your definition of commitment.

Giveaway Rules: This giveaway will run through Tuesday, August 14, 2012 at 11:59pm est. One winner will be chosen randomly via Random.org. You must reside in the continental United States to win a hard copy of the book. Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, no compensation was received in exchange for this post or giveaway.

A Turquoise Giveaway

The dog days of summer mean that it’s the perfect time for a great beach read…and giveaway!

In her newly released book, Turquoise – A Love Story, Ayshe Talay-Ongan digs deep into her own life experiences to pen this high-impact novel which spans two decades, three continents and two marriages. She says the novel is written to entertain and inspire both women and men in quest of genuine love who struggle with the roles and expectations heaped on them by societal context or circumstance.

Released earlier this year, Turquoise is the story of an enduring and passionate love affair between a Turkish woman and psychologist Yasmin, and Renan, who is the husband of Yasmin’s school friend, Ani, both of whom are of Armenian origin. Upon laying eyes on Renan for the first time, Yasmin is inundated with the knowledge that she has come upon her destiny, and falls deeply in love. The challenges ahead of her loom, not the least of which is loyalty to her friend, the ethnic divide, political and socioeconomic turmoil, or immigrating from the country of their birth when the going gets tough.

Dot Whittington, the reviewer for The Weekender says, “Turquoise is not a simple romance but a tale of passion and love – the love of a child, a job, two countries and a man.”

Yasmin moves through the years with professional achievements, entrepreneurial ventures and travels, friendships, relationships and a quest for motherhood in a love-starved marriage. Turquoise also explores the violent consequence of historical and cultural contempt, which impacts Yasmin and her family above and beyond the story of unrequited love and family loyalty. According to Wendy O’Hanlon of Acres Australia, “This novel is a strong comment on the evil of how all humans have such traits and some countries are more openly prejudiced than others.” She continues, “This is a big, powerful novel of love, angst, political unrest and ethnic hatred. The author has skillfully penned these pages so that the characters are raw and real, their emotions searing, their plight palpable.”

Dr. Ayshe Talay-Ongan is a psychologist and an emeritus academic. She is the author of three textbooks in developmental psychology. Turquoise is her first novel. Its sequel Emerald is currently under way. More information about the novel and author are available here.

I have to smile that I’m posting about this giveaway today, as there’s a reunion tonight in DC for all those who attended my high school in Turkey. For those of you interested in gemology or etymology, InternetStones.com indicates that the word, “turquoise,” is probably derived from Turkey because the Turkish merchants and dealers took these gemstones to Venice for sale.

If you’d like to enter for a chance to win the book, Turquoise, just include your favorite gemstone in your comment.

You must enter by Friday, July 20th for a chance to win a hard copy or e-version of the book. Hard copies may only be shipped within the continental United States. The winner will be chosen via Random.org. Good luck!

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, this promotion is being conducted without compensation.
 

Is Bigger Necessarily Better?

For the majority of my life, I never shared my bra size with other people. I loved my tits, but I went out of my way not to flaunt them in public. I wore minimizers so my boobs would look 1-1 ½” smaller than they were. I chose certain tops that were boob-friendly so that they weren’t on display. I loved my big tatas, but I held that enjoyment close to my chest (pun intended, of course).

Since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, though, I feel as though my boobs are part of the public domain. I’ve shared my story and bra size with mere acquaintances, and my comfort talking about what I’m going through motivated me to write this post.

When I met with the reconstructive surgeon before my double mastectomy, I told the doctor that I wanted to be a DD. I had been a 34 F/G for the past 15 years, and I had a dream of going into Victoria’s Secret and buying a bra that didn’t cost $60.

Each week as I would get expanded at the doctor’s office, she kept asking me if I wanted to go bigger. I just kept saying, “Make me a DD.”

What I didn’t realize at that time, though, was that one size of expanders or implants doesn't fit all. Think about it. Every woman is unique in terms of height, weight, torso length, back width and build. On a woman that’s 5’2”, a G cup would look disproportionate. On me, at 5’9”, it doesn’t. Likewise, a woman who is larger in build could have the weight of my breasts and be a smaller cup size.

My real breasts were 600 CCs, and at my last expansion, my surgeon expanded me to 500 CCs. Afterward, she saw me dressed and commented, “That size looks right. Now, I notice your breasts first.”

I went home after that expansion and tried on some of my old bras. The majority of my G cup bras and all of my F cup bras fit.

A part of me felt like my dream of buying a mass-produced bra or swimsuit was snatched away from me. What does a City Girl have to do to be a DD?

Those who have seen me since that last expansion have commented that I look like my old self. My expanders are big, but not out of proportion with my body, much like my big naturals.

Three weeks from today, my expanders will be replaced with my permanent implants. (And, no, this isn’t the same as a boob job surgery since I have no breast muscle or tissue and weaker skin. In addition, the implants are inserted via my old incisions across the middle of my breasts, not via some tiny incision by the armpit.)

My surgeon wants to go into the Operating Room with three options of 450 CCs, 500 CCs, and 550 CCs. There’s a chance that I could come out of surgery wearing all my old bras!

I posted on Facebook that there’s a fine line between “nice rack” and “when do you perform?” The majority of responses indicated that when in doubt, it's best to go bigger. Women who’ve had reconstruction or implants noted that silicone is less voluminous than the expanders. And, other friends thought I should trust the doctor since she is an award-winning perfectionist.

I realize that I need to make my own decision about my implant size. But, I feel as though you all have come on this journey with me and would love your input.

Do I put my foot down and tell the doctor that I don’t want to be as big as I am now, or do I trust that she is the expert? Comments encouraged!

My 2nd Cancer-versary

June 22, 2010

My telephone vibrated in my lap. I asked my hairdresser if she could turn off the blow dryer. As I answered the call, I knew, even before the breast radiologist told me. Six previous biopsies had been benign (non-cancerous), but I had a feeling that I wouldn’t be so lucky with biopsies numbers seven and eight. When my doctor finally said the words, “breast cancer,” it felt surreal. I leaned up against the wall in the back of the salon and exhaled, as I shed a few tears.

In October, after my first round of chemotherapy, I had described my diagnosis and treatment as “a blip.” My cancer was caught early. I never doubted that I would survive. I would go through treatment, beat this horrible disease and move on.

Oh, to be so blissfully ignorant now!

There will come a day when I don’t think about cancer and what it has taken from me – directly and indirectly. But, for now, that seems far into the future.

On my second cancer-versary, I find myself rather reflective. I have so many reasons for which to be thankful! Most importantly, this was caught early, and I am in remission. My diagnosis has also strengthened old bonds and led to new relationships and opportunities. But, I’m not the same person I was two years ago. As much as I love who I am now and how my life has evolved, that doesn’t mean that I don’t grieve the old me on occasion.

Last night, I went online to look at the photo album from the night that I was diagnosed. I surprisingly found a photograph that I didn't know existed. It's not the best shot, but I remember vividly where my friend and I were standing in the bar, what we said, and our body language. That was the first time I told someone in person that I had cancer.

  

With K Street Kate

With Rania Jaziri of Jordin's Paradise, June 22, 2010

I miss the City Girl that I see in this photo.

For those of you who have followed my journey and offered support online and off, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Please make sure that you have an annual appointment with a doctor and know how to conduct a self-breast or testicle exam. If you're a sexually-active female, visit a gynecologist and get a pap smear every year. If you’re female and at least 40 years of age (35, if you have a family history), schedule your mammogram annually. If you find or feel anything off with your body, trust your instincts and call your doctor. If you’re an adult and don’t have a primary care physician, get one!

There is so much in life that we can’t control. Staying on top of our health is something we do have control over.

With gentle hugs, much appreciation and best wishes for many decades ahead for all of us, Stef

Are Three Break-Ups Three Too Many?

I’ve been remiss in answering readers’ questions from Formspring. Let’s start to remedy that today!

Question: My boyfriend and I broke up three times. This third time has been the longest. It’s been a week since we have been broken up. He said loves me a lot, but he needs time to flirt and to be single before he wants to be with me again. What do you think?

Answer: I’m sorry that you’re experiencing such relationship turmoil. It’s clear from how you’ve phrased the question and your patience about the situation that you love your boyfriend a lot.

Your boyfriend appears to be taking advantage of your feelings for him and your patience. He’s found a way to have his proverbial cake and eat it, too. When he wants to enjoy the benefits of being in a serious relationship, he does. When he wants to break up so that he spend time with other women, he can. When he wants to return back to the security of his relationship with you, he's able to do so.

The real question here is how much of his behavior you’re willing to tolerate. Your limits are for you and you alone to determine.

As you decide what’s in your best interest, it's worth asking yourself what you’re looking for from a significant other. How secure do you feel about this relationship, knowing that your boyfriend can use an easy-out clause at a moment’s notice? Does this relationship provide you with the level of trust and commitment that you would like?

How do you define “love,” and how different is that from how your boyfriend defines it? Break-ups are by their nature heartbreaking. Going through that three times in one relationship might be too much for some people to bear emotionally. If your boyfriend truly loves you a lot, I wonder how he views love and commitment and why it doesn’t break his heart to hurt you.

In addition, what does your boyfriend mean by being “single” again? I don’t think you can assume that he’s just casually flirting with other women since he doesn’t need to be single to do that. Whether or not we’re in a relationship, we all encounter people with whom we have a connection or feel an attraction. That’s human nature. The key, however, is recognizing that our love for our significant other outweighs our need to act on that attraction.

Are you comfortable with your boyfriend having sex with other women while you're on these breaks? When he comes back to you after this time apart, do you talk candidly about whether he was with anyone else and if so, whether or not he used a condom? Please make sure that your heart and your health are protected!

Whatever you decide, I hope that you find the peace you’re looking for and the love that you deserve.

Readers, what advice would you give this young woman?
 

Trying to Exhale

The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin

I write because I love doing so. I write to process my feelings. I write to make others laugh, cringe or think. I write to educate. And, thanks to the reach of the blogosphere, I write as a way to communicate with friends from all stages of my life and receive support from others.

The compassion and strength you all showed in your comments last week meant so much to me. Processing the emotions surrounding my upcoming mastectomies isn’t linear. Most times, I’m comfortable with my decision, and my emotions are calm. Other times, though, I’m edgy, angry and sad. I wrote last week’s post about my surgery when all those emotions were coming to a head. You got that and were able to offer support without judgment or platitudes. Thank you!

In my pre-op appointment with the reconstructive surgeon last week, she informed me that she won’t be taking my back muscle and tissue during this surgery. That’s very good news! I’ll be out of the hospital in a night or two. I hopefully will be able to sleep on my back, and I won’t need as much physical therapy. (There’s a slight chance that the surgeon might need to take from my back muscle during reconstruction, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.)

Over the past two weeks, I’ve lined up care from home nurses, dog walkers and friends. Given my health history, I can’t predict how my body will react after surgery, but I can take control of certain elements. (For those of you who might be wondering, my best friend will be with me at the hospital, but The Man insisted on joining us. Yes, he's a good guy.)

I’m sure I’ll be writing more about surgery in the coming week, but for now, I’m able to focus on my blessings. I keep reminding myself of the reasons why this is the recommended course of action for me. I close my eyes, exhale and think of myself a few years from now, hugging my daughter with my long ponytail blowing in the breeze.

Why do you write?

The Science of Love

I rarely write about my dating life anymore, but suffice it to say that I'm happy. Really happy.

I'm with a man who is kind, communicative and loyal. I haven't always (often?) been able to say that I'm dating a good man, but I can now. And, that's perfect for this stage in my life.

My heart races a bit when I see him, and I feel this rush when he hugs me. When we're not together, I find myself daydreaming a lot and having trouble concentrating.

One of my Sexuality and Social Media students, Gabrielle, might tell me that it's the dopamine talking. For her class research project, Gabrielle is:

Comparing and contrasting the chemical processes that occur within the human body during online dating and face-to-face relationships.  There is a rise in the chemical Oxytocin when social media users meet a love interest online as well as during a physical relationship.  However, Pheromones are chemicals physically given off by the body and spark attraction within a romantic partner.  Does dating through social media hinder the chemical processes of love or have our brains adapted to this modern way of life?

This post that Gabrielle wrote about the chemistry of love had me thinking about my own life:

Dopamine is first released (Newman 9).  It is what makes a person want to spend more time with his or her love interest and gives them the initial “butterflies” (9).  This neurotransmitter is also released when someone drinks or does drugs like caffeine, cocaine and crystal methamphetamine (Tomlinson).  The chemical process of love actually induces addictive like behavior, “which explains the feeling of being addicted to your partner” (Newman, 9).  A dopamine release also increases a person’s heart rate and energy, as well as restlessness (Tomlinson).

Dopamine is also the high a person feels when she or he takes a risk like skydiving or snowboarding down a half-pipe (Park).  The unknown of a new relationship also has the same effect within the brain and this is why he or she often feels so exciting.  The high in a relationship caused by dopamine may diminish over time (2).  This can be caused by parenting and couples often find it difficult to hold on to romance (Blum, 3).  All is not lost however.  Dopamine has been shown to return and add a new spark to a long term relationship (3).  Dopamine also comes back to influence attraction for people who have lost a partner, “Among the couples that Fisher is studying are newly met partners in nursing homes, people in their 70s and 80s, whose infatuation is just as intense as that shared by 20-year-old lovers” (3).

Years ago, one of my friends claimed that the best feeling in the world is falling in love.

Maybe she's right. Or, is it just the dopamine talking again? Read more about the chemical processes of love here.

What do you think about the science behind attraction and love?

Giveaway – Hands on Sexy Feet

It's time for a Friday Giveaway, and this is a great one!

Are you familiar with reflexology?

Reflexology is an ancient healing art of stimulating the feet that reduces stress and improves your physical well-being. Experts estimate that 80-90% of disease is stress related, and massage combats this stress by helping us relax. In each foot there are over 7,000 nerve endings – called reflexes – which correspond to every organ and system within your body. Simply pressing on those reflex points can elicit a response from the nervous system that helps to soothe and balance the entire body.

I've been a fan of reflexology since high school, when my mom began receiving treatments at a holistic health center. We had a book about reflexology at home and began giving our own foot massages with the goal of stimulating the correct pressure points.

I wish that wellness expert Michelle Ebbin's books had been available back then, but we're lucky that we can rely on her expertise now!

“My goal is to teach people about the benefits of massage therapy and how to incorporate it into your lifestyle for optimal health, enhanced relationships and overall well-being.” ~ Michelle Ebbin

Michelle is passionate about the healing benefits of touch. She founded Basic Knead in 1994 with the goal of creating unique massage products that everyone can use to bring the healing power of touch into their daily life. A graduate of Columbia University and the Institute of Psycho-Structural Balancing (I.P.S.B.) in Los Angeles, Michelle has authored best-selling books and created award-winning DVDs and massage products.

A few highlights from Michelle Ebbin's illustrious career include:

• #1 best-selling author on books about Reflexology & Baby Massage including:

– Hands on Sexy Feet
– Hands on Feet
– Hands on Baby Massage
– The Little Book of Reflexology

• Featured expert & host in the #1 massage DVD series in the World (Gaiam/Living Arts)

• Featured massage expert for iamplify.com

• Featured on Live with Regis and Kelly and The View and in Cosmopolitan and Marie Claire

• Partner in the development of a new touch therapy program for cancer patients with City of Hope, one of the leading NCI-designated Comprehensive Cancer Centers in the world

• Spokesperson for The Naturalizer brand shoe company’s N5 Comfort Shoe and their Wellness from the Ground Up campaign

Follow Michelle on Twitter and Facebook to find out more about her.

Michelle has generously offered to give one lucky reader a copy of her best-selling book about reflexology, Hands on Sexy Feet, with the Sexy Love Sox!
 

What's the book about?

The book is the follow-up to the bestselling Hands on Feet. This new book-plus package from Michelle K. Ebbin teaches you how to use reflexology to stimulate the body’s erogenous zones to improve sexual intimacy and performance, in addition to overall health and well-being. With the included pair of unisex, one-size-fits-all Sexy Love Sox™, descriptive graphics on the sole of each sock show exactly where to press to relax your partner and turn him or her on. The user-friendly book includes simple techniques and helpful information about reflexology, how it works, and how it can be used to boost your libido and naturally improve your sex life.

With the unique map of the body on the bottom of each sock, easy-to-follow instructions, and line illustrations throughout, Hands on Sexy Feet makes the benefits of sensual reflexology accessible to everyone—and a lot of fun to use.

Want to win a copy of Michelle Ebbin's book and the Love Sox? One winner will be chosen randomly on Friday, March 2, 2012 at noon EST. To enter, you must be a US resident and comment below with the words, "Hands on Sexy Feet!"  Good luck! xoxo

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, no compensation was received in exchange for this post or giveaway.

From Can’t to Can

I’m 5’9 ½. Over the years, my weight has varied from 123 pounds after college to 167 in 2004 after three years of steroids. By 2007, though, the steroids were out of my system.

From 2007 to 2010, my weight was stable. I weighed between 133 and 135 pounds. I ate when I was hungry, and I ate what I wanted. I didn’t think much about my body, weight or fitness regime.

Cancer totally shook my body and my body image up, though. I never expected to gain weight during chemotherapy, let alone 23 pounds in four months. My oncologist prescribed a lot of medications to alleviate the vomiting that I experienced in the first round. In so doing, he threw my digestion for a loop. With the disclaimer that everybody poops, I typically eliminated once every 10 days during the four months of chemotherapy. (I cringe when I think about how many drugs were stuck in my body during that time.)

Upon completing chemotherapy in January 2011, I lost 13 pounds by April. My scale seemed stuck after that, though. However, in the past month, I’ve moved from 10 pounds to seven pounds over my pre-cancer weight. To some, that might not seem like a big deal (slight pun intended). But, as a young, female cancer survivor, there are larger issues of body image and sexuality here. There’s also the reality that many of us face:

We’re done with treatment, but we don’t look in the mirror and recognize ourselves.
Our bodies have changed.
Our hair has changed.
For some of us, our breasts have changed.
And, our lives have changed.

It’s been an effort to look at myself in the mirror without detesting what I see. (And, yes, I used the word, “detest,” purposely.) I recently realized, though, that I couldn’t encourage my students and readers to love their bodies if I didn’t start doing the same. So, I’ve moved from a place of detesting to a place of tolerating.

I also started thinking about what I could do to change my routine. There’s a part of me that would love to lose those last seven pounds. More importantly, though, I need to do whatever I can to strengthen my body before my mastectomies on April 25th. The surgeons will be removing tissue and muscle from my back and my chest (all the way to my shoulders), and I already have weak muscle tone in those areas.

I have a lot of restrictions with respect to exercise:

  • I can’t do yoga because increasing flexibility isn’t a good thing for one of my conditions.
  • I can’t lift more than the lightest weights because of my limited muscle strength.
  • If I do more than 15 or 20 minutes of exercise, I end up exacerbating my fever disease.
  • I can't do exercises in which my head is below my heart. (My pressure is already low as it is.)
  • I can’t build up my endurance and stamina so that regular exercise will allow me to do more in a month or two. More than 15 or 20 minutes of exercise a day will increase my fevers, dizziness and muscle fatigue.

For the past five years, my doctors have allowed me to do 10-15 minutes of physical therapy with a resista-band at home and walk as much as I can. I love walking, and it’s the one thing that I can (almost) always do. And so, I’ve walked and walked. I try to walk at least two miles a day, and that hasn't impacted my health negatively. But, walking hasn’t changed my weight or my muscle tone either.

With Fashion for Paws and double mastectomies in April, I’ve been asking myself to focus less on what I can’t do and more on what I can do.

  • I can do five to seven minutes on an elliptical (at the lowest level). That small amount will help me build some muscle tone in my upper body.
  • I can do 15-20 minutes of a barre class, water aerobics or a recumbent bicycle.
  • Weight machines, even on the lowest resistance, offer me more than my resista-band or two-pound weights at home.
  • I can start physical therapy next month to allow me one month of preparation in advance of my surgeries.

I joined a gym last week. For some, that’s not newsworthy, but for me, it is. I’ve wrapped my head around the fact even 10 or 15 minutes of exercise can help. I’m also accepted that the membership fees are money well spent to make a commitment toward my overall physical health.

I’m working past what I can’t do and working toward what I can. I can’t do more than that, right?

What obstacles are you facing right now? What small changes can you make in your life to alleviate those problems? How can you replace a “can’t” with a “can?”

Dreams about the Same Sex

It’s Formspring time!

Question: I am a single woman in her 30s. I date men and enjoy all kinds of sexual activity with them. Recently, in my dry spell, I’ve been having very graphic sexual dreams involving other women. I’m concerned that my psyche is trying to tell me something. Help!

Answer: Thanks for your question. Dreams can have different meanings for different people, but it’s worth remembering that sexual dreams are completely normal. Many psychologists believe that dreams about kisses or sex with a member of the same sex represent compassion, self-acceptance and self-love. Those are great qualities to possess!

You mentioned that you’ve been in a dry spell lately so it’s also possible that your subconscious is doing its part of remedying that for you. If you're also having dreams about certain close female friends in your life, your dreams might just be a reflection of your strong connection to them.

It’s difficult to infer intonation or intent in a few sentences that were written by a person I don’t know in real life. I’m not sure if your use of the phrases, “enjoy all kinds of sexual activity” and “concerned that my psyche is trying to tell me something,” merely provide background and reflect your confusion about your dreams. I don't want to ignore the other possibility, though. Have you’ve found yourself wondering if you might be interested in exploring a relationship with a woman?

Having a dream about a woman doesn’t mean that you want to have sex with a woman, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t. There’s no wrong option here, as long as it feels right to you. If you might be interested in exploring a sexual relationship with a member of the same sex, I hope you feel comfortable doing so. If that’s not of interest to you, I imagine that your vivid dreams will subside when a new partner enters the picture.

Hope that’s helpful. Good luck! xoxo

Did I miss anything, readers?