Get me off of this ride!

So, “Buckeyes” Boy lied to me — and several other members of the DC Twitter community — about where he went to school and played college football. He also lied to me about his phone being broken. I felt like I was on a roller coaster since I didn’t know what I would encounter at the next bend!

It was late on Friday, December 4, 2009. After four days of not officially knowing if “Buckeyes” Boy had blocked me from Twitter or if it was a computer glitch, I finally clicked on the “Follow” tab. He had told me that he had wanted to be friends and that he never blocked me so maybe…just maybe…he hadn’t.

It only took two seconds for the following message to appear on my laptop screen:

This user has blocked you from following his Tweets.

I had felt unappreciated during the last half of my relationship with “Buckeyes” Boy, but now, I just felt used. That feeling only magnified later that evening when I went into the second bathroom to get some toothpaste. (Since I had two bathrooms, I kept my toiletries in the master bathroom, and “Buckeyes” Boy stored his stuff in the second bathroom.) I looked everywhere for it, and it was gone.

I started looking around for other stuff: the Body Shop products that Barla had gotten me for my birthday that were on the vanity; the moisturizers that I had bought “Buckeyes” Boy (one to bring to his Dad’s place and one to keep at our place); the package of hand sanitizers that I had bought for both of us; and the shower gel in the second bathroom. They were…

All

Gone!

The boy couldn’t afford his own toothpaste?!? What was I a fucking hotel? And, who could I contact about the fact that Buckeyes Boy had never paid his bill?

I saw on Twitter that “Buckeyes” Boy was out that night at a bar not too far from my place. (For those of you not on Twitter, being blocked isn’t the same on Twitter as it is on Facebook. I can still see his news feed if I go to his page. I just can’t send him a message.)

For a second, I thought of going to the bar to see him. I was so infuriated that he would treat me this way! But then, I realized that I didn’t want to be “that” chick. Yes, I had been wronged, but I didn’t need to act like a psycho.

The following morning, I was walking Nutter and ran into my neighbor, Crystal, for the first time since before Thanksgiving. Since she had met “Buckeyes” Boy and is a friend, I updated her on recent events. After making sure that I was okay, she asked:

Would you like me to run a security report on him?

Me: Really? [She nods.] Would that be a lot of trouble?

Crystal: Of course not. We do these all the time. Just send me whatever information you have on him, and I’ll let you know when we get the report back. Do you have all your jewelry and antiques? [I nod.] Good. Make sure you change your locks and all your passwords on your computer.

Me: Well, he gave me the keys back.

Crystal: Better to be safe than sorry.

Me: You’re right. Thank you. [We hug.]

I changed all my passwords on my computer and scheduled a locksmith to come to my place on Monday. My mind was swirling. I was getting a security report on the man I loved. I was changing my passwords in case he thought to steal from me. “Buckeyes” Boy — the man who had lived with me, the man I had let inside mind, body and soul. This was really too much for me to process.

As if this all wasn’t enough, I received an e-mail from “Buckeyes” Boy that night in response to my last e-mail:

Hey,

I had no idea. Congratulations! I’ll have to make sure I read that post.

I want to apologize again for not meeting you the other night. I was so out of it before I left. I think we should absolutely still be friends. I’m thinking maybe tomorrow evening after work or on Tuesday night. I’ll get back to you to confirm.

***

Get me off of this ride! I think I’m going to be sick.

My own Lifetime movie

Was I disappointed when I found out that "Buckeyes" Boy had lied about playing football at Ohio State? Of course. But, I'm a glass half-full girl, and I tried to focus on the positive. Despite our problems and how he treated me, we were going to continue to run into each other at DC Twitter and Social Media events. I'm not one to hold grudges against my ex-boyfriends, and I wasn't about to change that now. I would take the higher ground.

On December 4, 2009, my friend, Carly, and I went out to dinner at Notti Bianche before heading to Arlington for Kayla's housewarming party. On the ride out, I told her what Ronny had found.

Carly: I checked, too, and couldn't find anything with "Buckeyes" Boy's name and either Ohio State or Youngstown.

Me: You did?

Carly: Yeah, out of curiosity. [We laugh.] I think he's lying about the phone, too. I have an iPhone and don't think there's a sim card inside.

Me: I Googled that and apparently there is.

Carly: I still think that was his number.

Me: Well, I could check.

Carly: How?

Me: There are these sites where you can pay to find out the owner of a cell phone number. Should I do that?

Carly: How much would that cost?

Me: Like five or ten dollars.

Carly: Do it.

I had fun at the party, and a lot of my girlfriends commented how good I looked. A few of them seemed surprised that I was okay.

Me: I wanted to know where this [my relationship with "Buckeyes" Boy] and now I do. I don't regret how I handled it or what I've learned. And now, I can get back to focusing on my goals.

A guy at the party sat down to talk to me, but I soon realized that I wasn't interested in exchanging information. I had made plans for brunch with Stanford Man for this coming Sunday, and that was about all I could handle right now.

When I got home, I turned on my computer and went onto Intelius.com. I input the cell phone number that "Buckeyes" Boy had used to text Carly last month. As the site was processing my request, I thought of what "Buckeyes" Boy had e-mailed me a few days ago:

That was a temp sim card I had from a friend's other at&t phone. I probably still have my vm message on there. I used it to try and fix my phone's issue. I had it the night she came to the event. I'm not trying to hurt you nor do I have other cell phones.

***

A window appeared on my computer that the report was ready. I exhaled and opened it.

Owner of Cell Phone Number: "Buckeyes" Boy

I started crying in front of my laptop. I had let this man live with me! I had bent over backward to make his life easier for almost three months, and he didn't even give me his new cell phone number?!? What the hell!

I wished that this bad Lifetime movie that had become my life would end.

But, it wouldn't. Not yet at least…

Wheel of emotions

I awoke on the morning of December 3, 2009, with mixed emotions regarding Buckeyes Boy. Imagine a wheel like the one on Wheel of Fortune or The Price Is Right, but in lieu of the numbers on the wheel, there are emotions. Since Buckeyes Boy never came back to our place after Thanksgiving and blocked me from Twitter, I never knew when the wheel would spin, and what emotion I would feel when it stopped spinning.

Most of the times I was fine, feeling comforted that I knew Buckeyes Boy’s true colors. But then, the wheel would spin again, and I would start to cry when I smelled his cologne in the room where he would get ready. Or, the wheel would spin to “Anger,” as I looked at my budget and saw on paper how much he had taken advantage of me financially. Or, the wheel would spin to “Melancholy,” when something funny happened and I wished I could tell Buckeyes Boy.

It didn’t help that I decided to get back to writing about our relationship on my blog that week. On December 1, 2009, I ended up writing the post about my amazing first date with Buckeyes Boy back in September. That day was also the day when I went to pick up my keys from Buckeyes Boy at the Bardeo Twixer.

The following day, DC Blogs featured my Great First Date post on its homepage with this write-up by the eloquent Restaurant Refugee:

City Girl, who is a self-described “relationship and sex blogger,” writes about the first date with the gentleman who “If [he has] anything to say about it, will be the last guy she blogs about,” and what it felt like for her to agree.

I was thrilled to be highlighted on the site and have so many readers comment on that post. But, my heart was heavy. I felt like the wheel wouldn’t stop spinning. Buckeyes Boy was supposed to be The One! We planned our future together (something that I had never done with any guy before). And, now, I was trying to get him to find an hour or two in his schedule to unblock me from Twitter and sit down to actually break up with me in person like an adult. What the fuck had happened to the fairy tale?

On December 3rd, I wrote about our wonderful second date. Reminiscing about the past started to cloud my views of the present a bit since I was focusing on all that was great and blissful about the beginning of our relationship.

“Why was that?” you might be wondering.

Well, when I write my posts, I take myself back to that time in my life. I try to remember every detail: what I wore; what I said; my emotions; the weather; the food; how it felt to be touched; and anything else that comes to mind. If I recall that I cried tears of joy or tears of sadness at the time, I inevitably get tears in my eyes at my laptop as I’m writing about it. Reliving every little detail has proven to be cathartic or shown me that I was truly over [fill in the blank guy]. But with respect to Buckeyes Boy, writing about wonderful times from our past at the same time as we were breaking up made it tough to stay frustrated at him. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.

That night, I went with my girlfriends to mock service at Ris. If my friend, Ann, hadn’t included me in the invite to that delicious restaurant, I would have been at Tech Cocktail DC with some of my Twitter friends (who also happened to be friends with Buckeyes Boy). When I got home from Ris, I logged onto Twitter and saw pictures of the event…and Buckeyes Boy.

I went to bed, thinking to myself:

I’m the only one who can stop the wheel of emotions, and I need to do that for my own well-being. I need to let this — us — go. I was the bigger person during our relationship and I could be the bigger person during our break-up.

I woke up the following morning, and I was no longer sad, angry or confused. I sent Buckeyes Boy the following e-mail:

I’m not sure if you know that I wrote a post on Tuesday about our first date. It got featured on DC Blog’s homepage, and 1,200(!) hits in 48 hours later, it’s the most popular outgoing link on the site.

In my opinion, life is way too short and this town is way too small to carry any resentments toward each other. I’d like to think that we can get past this current mode and find a way to be friends on some level. I hope that you’ll make some time in your schedule over the next few days for us to talk.

***

The wheel spun ever so slightly until it landed on “Calm.”

But…would it stay there?

Mounds of frustration

I left Buckeyes Boy on December 1, 2009, with his set of keys to our my place in my hands. I waited for tears to form in my eyes, but they didn’t. I drove off to Muleh on 14th Street to meet Misty at the fashion show after party.

While I was there talking to Misty, a woman approached us and said:

Tall redhead. I could use you.

I didn’t know to what she was referring so I introduced myself. Misty recognized my confused expression and commented:

That’s my agent.

The woman then told me that she owns a very successful modeling agency in DC. I was giddy that she thought I could do runway shows for several reasons (I’m 36, curvy and the girl who got made fun of growing up for being so unattractive).

At the end of the night, Misty and I headed back to my place.

Me: Do you really think she [the agent] wants to talk to me about modeling? [Misty nods.] You know who I really want to share the news with? [Pause.] Buckeyes Boy. I wonder if it’s possible to be friends on some level. And, I wonder if he would stay over tomorrow night. We don’t want the same things relationship-wise, but can’t we at least get some great break-up sex out of it? [For all that was wrong with our relationship, the sex was always very right.]

Misty and I discussed a few ideas as to what I could say to him and I decided to send him this e-mail:

Hope you enjoyed the rest of your night and that your cold is long gone by the time you wake up!

Good call to talk after work tomorrow night. Regardless of what we discuss, you’re welcome to spend the night if you want.

Hit me up tomorrow.

***

I didn’t hear from him during the day, but I used that time to work on thesis. I also spoke with three girlfriends and made a “Cheat Sheet” of topics to bring up during my conversation with Buckeyes Boy. I didn’t mind sleeping with him (in fact, I really wanted him in my ass), but I knew that he could be very manipulative. I didn’t want to fall prey to that yet again. What did I want out of our conversation?

1. To get the money for the parking tickets;

2. To have him un-block me from Twitter. If it was really a glitch, then that shouldn’t be a problem;

3. To figure out whether or not that 867 number was his cell phone;

4. To have him send me the many naked photos he had taken of me and us (I didn’t mind that he had the pictures since my face wasn’t in any of them, but I didn’t like the idea that he had them and I didn’t. Hey, we all have our things); and

5. To let him know how disrespected I felt. It seemed clear that he used me when it was convenient for him and then kicked me to the curb once he was more settled in DC. For someone who stressed communication, he should have looked me in the face and just ended it before he headed to Georgia. Instead, he pretended that he was coming back, which added insult to injury.

I didn’t know if he would ever grasp how poorly he treated me when we dated, but I thought it was possible that I could convey to him how poorly he handled the past week. I had asked him on several occasions if his feelings had changed and if I was a relationship of convenience like his old girlfriend from Charlotte. He should have just said yes and saved us both the time and energy.

At almost 8pm on the 2nd, I finally heard from Buckeyes Boy:

Sorry I didn’t catch up with you until now. I have no idea where the day went. Thank you for the kind gesture of staying there tonight. I actually have to grab my sister tonight after she finishes work. I was hoping you could meet me closer my way in an hour if that’s possible? Let me know your thoughts.

Me

***

For the next 30 minutes, we exchanged several e-mails about exactly where we should meet at 9pm. I suggested Brasserie Beck since it was a close walk from the Convention Center, I could easily find parking, and we both could hear ourselves talk there. I was sitting on my couch waiting for him to confirm that the plan worked for him, when this message appeared in my in box at 8:45pm:

My eyes are closing as we speak. I’m really sorry. I’m just really out of it. I wanted to talk to you tonight instead of yesterday for obvious reasons. I just don’t want to be rude and not be attentive. I hate to say another night….

***

I screamed at my laptop, “You are fucking kidding me?!?”

I sent him the following e-mails within two minutes:

Please don’t do this to me again via e-mail. I have my coat on and am ready to go.

Sorry — sent too soon. I appreciate that work is crazy and you are fighting a cold, but please show me some respect here and at least call.

***

I was livid! He was doing this to me – again! Who treats someone this way? I felt like he stomped on my heart, spit in my face, and now was kicking me in the gut. I texted several friends, and the gist of their responses was that Buckeyes Boy was a loser/fucker/pussy/chump. No one seemed surprised that he didn’t follow through with our plans.

I picked up the phone to call Julie to vent:

I just want this over with! Dragging this out is just making it worse!

She reminded me that I couldn’t force him to meet and that it might be a more productive conversation if we met another time. While we were on the phone, I received another e-mail from Buckeyes Boy:

You know what… I’m not even at my desk and while I had a moment running around getting wi-fi, I was trying to make plans. Respect the fact that I’m at work and I’m even trying…

I also thought you were still at home replying to emails, trying to make plans. Not standing there ready to go.

***

Seriously?!? Yet again, it was always all about him! And, I was supposed to respect that he was trying to make plans while at work? Ooh – what’s next? Giving him points for his creative crayon drawing! He was almost 32-years-old and managed hundreds of people at the Convention Center; he should be able to multi-task! I still did want to give him a piece of my mind and get my money, though. I responded:

Get that you are at work and that it’s tough to e-mail/call. But, please also try to see this from perspective. You had said 9pm and I didn’t want to hold either of us up so at 8:40, I made sure I was ready to go so I could jump in the car when you said where.

If you aren’t up for talking tonight, I’m obviously not going to force you to do so. But, I would have made other plans if we weren’t going out. (I’ve really tried not to stay home alone this week since it’s been tough for me.)

***

Buckeyes Boy wrote back a few minutes later:

I mean, I understand it’s not easy and this is not what I hoped to do tonight. However, I’d hate for you to make your way out and me fade in and out in front of you. I apologize for disrupting any other plans you might have made.

***

I sent him an e-mail with a few suggestions as to other times for us to meet later in the week. To say I was frustrated with him and the situation would be an understatement.

Yesterday, I had wanted to sleep with him one last time. Now, I just wanted to take my money and run.

***

So…I have a lot of juicy stuff to write about before my blog party at Black Finn DC this Tuesday, March 9th. If you are in DC, please come. I’m also using the evening to raise money for Global Giving’s Save the Children’s project in Haiti so please donate if you can.

I’m trying to decide if I should do small posts throughout the day tomorrow or just one really long jammed-packed post. What would you prefer? Comment, text or Tweet. xoxo

Ball of confusion

Throughout the morning of December 1, 2009, I felt myself becoming stronger and stronger. I had tolerated a lot in my relationship with Buckeyes Boy, but I would not tolerate being treated so disrespectfully. I could accept the fact that we were not on the same page anymore with respect to what we wanted out of a relationship. But, blocking me from Twitter and having a new cell phone number that I didn’t even know about were unacceptable! I hadn’t heard from Buckeyes Boy in almost three days, but I had texted him to bring my keys and the money for the parking tickets to the Twixer at Bardeo that evening.

At 2:30pm, I received the following e-mail from Buckeyes Boy:

I’m sorry I haven’t written until today. After the holiday, it was a little crazy and I was actually not feeling too great over the past few days.

Nonetheless, we definitely need to talk. A lot was on my mind in Georgia, and it certainly changes things. Are you around tomorrow? I’m still up for grabbing coffee or whatever. Let me know if that works. Hope you had a good few days.

Me

***

I stared at my laptop incredulously and picked up the phone to call Julie. I read her the e-mail and asked:

Is he just fucking with me?

Julie: Could he just responding to your e-mail from yesterday and not your text?

Me: Huh. Maybe.

Julie: What if that really wasn’t his cell phone?

Me: Who knows? It’s weird that he didn’t mention anything about the Twitter blocking or the phone number in his e-mail, though. I am so confused! And, why the fuck is he still signing his e-mails, “Me?”

Neither of us understood from where Buckeyes Boy was coming. An hour later, I sent him the following reply:

I’m not sure if you got the text I sent to your 867# earlier. I’m also not sure if you realize how much it hurt me that after I opened my heart and my home to you, you blocked me from Twitter without even talking with me about things first.

I’m going to Bardeo tonight if you are heading there and want to talk afterward. If you aren’t, I can do coffee tomorrow anytime from 12 on. Whichever you choose, please bring my keys and take care of your parking tickets.

***

Buckeyes Boy didn’t make me wait long for a response:

No actually. That was a temp sim card I had from a friend’s other at&t phone. I probably still have my vm message on there. I used it to try and fix my phone’s issue. I had it the night she came to the event. I’m not trying to hurt you nor do I have other cell phones.

Anyway, as for Twitter, I haven’t blocked you. I’ve barely been on there, except for the event the other night. Don’t know what the issue is, but I haven’t caused it. I’d rather talk tomorrow if that works, because I have plans after. I’ll bring your keys and I have (1) outstanding ticket.

***

My frustration had abated a bit, but my confusion by this point was off the charts. I wanted to believe everything that he wrote. Was the Twitter blocking just a glitch? Did he really not have another cell phone? If he wasn’t trying to hurt me, then why was he treating me this way and why hadn’t he contacted me up until today?

I wasn’t sure what to believe by this point. The only thing I knew for certain is that Buckeyes Boy and I were over. I e-mailed him:

I appreciate you clarifying things, and I hope you realize how the combination of Twitter and not hearing from you would hurt. It looks like there were two tickets from when you went to meet your sister for coffee and from Georgetown. Thanks for taking care of them.

Let me know what time tomorrow works for you.

***

Later that night, I drove up to Bardeo. I had made plans to meet my friend, Misty, at 8pm for a drink downtown so I wouldn’t feel tempted to linger at the event. I walked into the Twixer and looked around the bar. There wasn’t a big black man in sight so I said hello to old acquaintances and made some new ones.

My friend, Ethan, arrived, and I gave him a huge hug hello. (I needed all the moral support that I could get that night.) I caught him up on recent events, and he stood there with his mouth and eyes wide open. Fifteen minutes later, Buckeyes Boy walking into Bardeo. He said hello and then went toward the back of the bar to talk to his friend, Paul.

When I saw him approach the bar an hour later, I headed toward him. (I didn’t know if he was leaving or not, but I needed to meet Misty soon.)

Me: Hey.

Buckeyes Boy: Hey. [He gives me a hug. I start to let go, but he hugs me tighter and longer. I feel forlorn.] I’m sorry that I didn’t get to come over to you earlier.

Me: No worries. There are a lot of people to catch up with. How are you?

Buckeyes Boy: I’ve been slammed at work since I got back. When I have 15 minutes without a meeting, I’ve been trying to close my door and get some sleep. I’m exhausted.

Me: Are you still sick? [He nodded.] I can tell in your eyes.

Buckeyes Boy: Thanks. Yeah, it’s been a tough week for the Buckeyes Boy family. My sister and Dad are hurting. They haven’t gone to work since we got back from Georgia.

Me: Well, I hope all of you feel better soon!

Buckeyes Boy: Thanks! A lot. I really appreciate it.

Me: Of course.

Buckeyes Boy: So, I was thinking, if it’s okay with you, we could meet tomorrow?

Me: Okay.

Buckeyes Boy: I have a few meetings during the day, but…

Me: Just let me know.

Buckeyes Boy: Well, we could get together during the day. [I nod my head in agreement.] But, I was thinking that if it works for you, we could meet after work? I don’t want us to feel rushed and want to have time to talk without feeling like I have to squeeze you in between meetings. Would it be okay if we did that?

Me: Sure.

Buckeyes Boy: So, I can call you after the event? I don’t think I’ll have to stay the whole time. So, I can call you? [I nod my head.]

It was odd how much the dynamic between us had changed. He was kind and almost deferential. He was acting like he did before he started his job.

Buckeyes Boy: Good. Thanks. I really want us to have time together to talk. [I nod.] So, do you want your keys back or should I give them to you tomorrow?

Me: I’d like them back.

Buckeyes Boy: So, I should give them to you now then? {What part of “I’d like them back,” is confusing?]

Me: Yes please. [He hands them to me.] Thanks.

Buckeyes Boy: So, how are you doing? [I shrug my shoulders with slightly pursed lips. I willed myself not to tear up and thankfully, I didn’t.] Not easy, huh? [I shake my head to indicate “no.”] It’s good that we’ll talk tomorrow. [I nod.]

Paul approached us, and I said hello to him.

Me: I’m off to meet Misty. I thought we were going out for drinks, but it turns out that we’re going to a fashion show party. I so wouldn’t have worn this. [Paul and Buckeyes Boy give me the once over.]

Buckeyes Boy: You look good. [Paul nods.]

Me: Thanks. But, come on — fashion show good?!? [We laugh.]

Buckeyes Boy: Any chance you have a dress in that bag? [I’m carrying a tiny Chanel purse. We all laugh some more.]

As we put on our coats, Buckeyes Boy approached me for another hug goodbye. For the second time that night, he held me for longer than I held him.

We walked out of Bardeo, and I thought to myself,

Maybe, just maybe, we could be friends or…

My BF blocked me on Twitter. Now what?

I felt like I was in the middle of the ultimate Twitter relationship story. I had met Buckeyes Boy at the Twestival in September 2009, and for all intents and purposes, we moved in together after our first date. And, now, he had gone from telling me that he missed me on Thanksgiving to breaking up with me by blocking me on Twitter. Talk about full circle!

I called my friend, Julie, when I noticed that the number of my followers on Twitter had dropped by one.

Me: I know that we’ve had our problems, but come on!

Julie: This doesn’t make sense.

Me: Well, Z brought up the possibility last night that something happened with Buckeyes Boy or his family. I feel like he’s okay, though, since he and his Dad went to the Steelers-Ravens game last night. (He had posted pictures on Twitter.) What should I do?

Julie: Does he still have stuff at your place?

Me: Not really. He took almost everything to get organized, do laundry and pack before the holiday. I even jokingly asked him if he was coming back and he said of course. Why didn’t he just tell me?

Julie: Maybe he was doing the guy thing and just didn’t want to deal with it. He still has your keys and owes you for the parking tickets?

Me: Yes.

We decided that I should send him a passive-aggressive e-mail, playing dumb about the whole Twitter blocking incident. He and I clearly needed to talk so I figured that I would get more with sugar than with salt. I wrote:

Buckeyes Boy,

Since I haven’t heard from you, I hope that you are okay. I am little confused since when you left for Georgia, things seemed good with us. I’m not really sure what happened. Would it be possible to grab coffee or a drink tonight or tomorrow to talk?

xoxo, City Girl

The rest of the afternoon, I alternated between shock, relief and sadness. One friend asked what Buckeyes Boy said in 140 characters or less.

Me [laughing out loud]: He didn’t! He just blocked me!

The line, “Buckeyes Boy broke up with my on Twitter,” became my own version of “Berger broke up with me on a post-it note” from Sex and the City.

I had texted that line with a “WTF?!?” at the end to several friends, including Carly. When her plane landed at Reagan National, she called me from the shuttle.

Carly: Are you okay?

Me: Eeh. I just came from acupuncture so I’m kind of nauseous and loopy anyway. I just can’t believe that he would do this!

Carly: I’m coming over.

Me: You just got back to town. I’m sure you want to go home.

Carly: I’ll be there in 30.

I have tears in my eyes as I remember how Carly took care of me that night. (She is a wonderful friend!) I didn’t want to eat. I cried about 10 minutes of every hour. I tried to watch TV and then would just make a comment about how disrespectful Buckeyes Boy was.

Me: For all the problems that we had, I never imagined that he would do this. He was the one who kept saying that he wanted to be in this relationship and stressing the importance of good communication. His towel is still on the bathroom door. [Carly gets up, finds the towel and throws it in the hamper.] The second bedroom [where he got dressed] still smells like his cologne. [She closes the door to the second bedroom.] We had sex right before he left. And, he still has my keys. Seriously, who does this?!?

I went to bed early since Carly was there to walk Nutter before bed. When I got up at 4:00am, a thought crossed my mind:

Anyone who would do this to me isn’t The One! Period. I had wanted to know if Buckeyes Boy would step it up before New Year’s, and I had my answer!

I went back to bed and fell sound asleep. When Carly and I woke up at 8am, something occurred to me:

Me: So…remember when you were texting Buckeyes Boy at the Convention Center? [She nods.] Do you still have his number in your phone?

Carly: I should. [She grabs her phone and starts scrolling.]

Me: Mind telling me what it is? [Buckeyes Boy had a phone number with a (301) area code when we met. His phone broke about halfway through our relationship, but he claimed that he was still waiting for Apple to send him a part. For over a month, we’d be restricted to e-mailing each other, instead of the usual calls and texts.]

Carly: 202-867-5309.*

Me: That fucker!!!

Carly: That’s not the number you had?

Me: Nope. He gave me some bullshit about how he was able to text you because he borrowed some friend’s sim card and how that only worked for a few days. Seriously, what the fuck?

Carly: That’s shady. [I pick up my phone to call him, using *67 to make my number private.] Is he going to be up at this hour?

Me: He’s probably getting ready for work, but I just want to make sure it’s his voice mail.

Sure enough, it was. I was livid! As Carly was in the shower, I thought about my options and decided to send Buckeyes Boy the following text:

Carly came over last night since I was sad and shocked that after opening up my heart and my home to you, you broke up with me by blocking me on Twitter. Imagine my surprise when I found out that you had a new number that you never gave me! I’ll be at Bardeo tonight. Bring my keys and the money for the tickets.

When Carly came out of the bathroom, I showed her the text.

Carly: What’s at Bardeo?

Me: A Twixer [Twitter mixer]. I’ve never gone to one of these things before because the people there are his friends, but fuck that!

Carly: Are you okay to go?

Me: Oh yeah. I’ve been way too nice to him for way too long. [I smile a mischievous smirk.]

Did I hear from Buckeyes Boy? Did I go to Bardeo? That, my friends, is for the next post. xoxo

* Bonus if you recognize the number with my apologies if you have the song stuck in your head, too!

Just Call Me Carrie

I woke up on November 30, 2009, feeling confused and unappreciated. Buckeyes Boy hadn’t come through yet again last night. I wanted to e-mail him, but sensed that he needed some space. He was in Maryland, having brunch with his Dad and his Dad’s wife and then they were off to the Steelers-Ravens game that evening. There was a lot for us to talk about with respect to the future of our relationship, but I knew that face-to-face would be best.

I decided that if I hadn’t heard from Buckeyes Boy by Monday night, I would send him an e-mail. I’m cutting and pasting what I had in my computer from that day, although this was not a letter that I ever sent:

***
Dear Buckeyes Boy,

I think back to the first month when we were together. The amount of time that we were able to spend together that month was surreal, but I don’t think that the feelings that we shared were. I’ve realized that what I miss the most about that time wasn’t the fact that we were always together (although that was really nice), but that you were so kind and loving. I never questioned how you felt about me because you always told me and showed me. I didn’t hesitate to open up my heart and my home to you because I looked in your eyes and saw my future.

When you got your job, I was so excited for you. And, since then, the girlfriend in me has tried to make your life easier. To respect that you don’t have a lot of free time. To respect that you also need time with your family and friends. To be there for you and take care of you as much as I can.

You told me a few weeks ago that I’m the type of person who doesn’t just say how I feel, but I go above and beyond to show you how I feel. I think I’ve done that where you are concerned.

I guess I’m not sure what changed from your perspective. I could speculate as to what you are feeling or where you are coming from, but I can only judge you by your actions. Spending time with me and including me in on the other areas of your life clearly haven’t been your priorities. And, the caring and loving side of you isn’t that visible anymore. That makes me feel sad and disappointed.

I wish you would let me know what you are feeling. I will do whatever I can to make this relationship work. But, I also know that I can’t be the only half of the couple making an effort. I feel like you used me when it was convenient for you, and now that you have more going on, you expect everything to happen how you want it when you want it. That is not fair to me, though, and is disrespectful of my needs and my feelings.

Last night, I really wanted to see you. If you had told me earlier that you didn’t want to go out, I would have been disappointed, but I would have understood. If you had called me to let me know what was going on and let me know that we would go out soon and that you missed me, I would have also felt better.

Instead, you e-mail me at a late hour…after you had clearly made plans with your Dad…to let me know that we’ll “catch up soon.” We’re in a relationship, and that’s not cool. It also occurred to me that there have been several times in which you have been home sick or exhausted and when your friends needed you or there was a social thing going on, you rallied. And, yet, last night, when there was a reason for me to celebrate and I asked you to rally for me, you didn’t. If you’re wondering how that makes me feel, “less than” and “shitty” are the words that come to mind.
***

I didn’t write anymore since tears were streaming down my eyes by this point. For 2 1/2 months, I had given Buckeyes Boy everything I had (emotionally, physically and financially). And, now, I was sitting at home, hoping that he would call me on the phone. How pathetic was that?

I talked with several girlfriends that day, and we all agreed that it was time for Buckeyes Boy to man up! And, as we all know, manning up if it didn’t involve sex wasn’t Buckeyes Boy’s strong suit.

I slept soundly on Sunday night. I started to realize what I deserved and knew I needed to have a “Come to Jesus” talk with Buckeyes Boy. He had an event that night, but I figured that I would hear from him afterward.

Around lunchtime, I was online, when my phone rang. It was the billing representative from my doctor’s office, calling to tell me that I had paid too much.

Billing Representative: Would you like us to send you a check for $30 or to credit your account?

Me: I don’t know. Whatever you think would make sense.

Billing Representative: Well…

I was half listening since it wasn’t a big deal and refreshed my computer. I clicked on the tab for Twitter and noticed that my followers had decreased by one (which happens with spam filters). But, then, I saw that I was following one less person, too.

My heart began to beat fast, and I was short of breath. My hand trembled a bit. I typed Buckeyes Boy’s real name into the search box and pressed ‘Enter.’

Me: Umm…I have some other stuff going on right now. Can you just credit my account?

Billing Representative: Of course. If you change your mind, just let us know.

Me: Thanks.

I was staring at my computer screen, and my body began to shake. There, under the photo of Buckeyes Boy was the box marked “Follow.” And, to the right hand column of his page, I had two options: Block or Report for Spam with no option to Message him.

I picked up the phone to call Julie, even though we had just gotten off the phone an hour ago.

Julie: Hey, what’s up?

Me: I think Buckeyes Boy just broke up with me…by blocking me from Twitter!!!

[Tears fill my eyes.]

Julie: Are you kidding?!? How juvenile!

Me: I think so because my followers and following both went down one. Let me check. [I scroll through the people I’m following.] I’m no longer following him. [I scroll through the people he follows, which takes a couple of minutes.] Nope. He’s no longer following me either.

Julie: That’s ridiculous!

Me: I know! I’m 36, and my boyfriend broke up with me ON TWITTER!!! What the fuck?!? It’s like I really am Carrie Bradshaw! This is the 2009 version of the Post-It note!

For once, I wished that my life didn’t make for good blogging.

Is this the end of the tale with Buckeyes Boy? Of course not. Just call me Carrie.

Prioritizing

The patterns of late in my relationship with Buckeyes Boy were unhealthy. Somehow we went from dominant and submissive in the bedroom to dominant and submissive outside of the bedroom. I was getting tired of being so deferential to him all the time…of catering to his every need when my basic needs were barely being met…of paying for everything when he had been at work for over a month now.

Then, just when I felt like I was going to lose it around him and go off on all that had been weighing on me, he would say something that would make me feel like maybe we could get past this.

Buckeyes Boy [after finding all these things I had gotten him]: I’ve never met anyone as thoughtful as you. I make some comments in passing about how my razor bumps are irritating and that I use hand sanitizer at work, and the next thing I know, you get me a whole facial cleansing system and a packet of hand sanitizers.

Me: You’re welcome, baby. That’s what I do for the people I love.

Buckeyes Boy: But, I don’t think you realize how few people do that. Thank you for being so patient with me with all the changes from the new job. I know this hasn’t been easy on you, but I really appreciate everything. [We kiss.]

Our relationship was (thankfully) not abusive, but I started to recognize the honeymoon stage that followed our fights. One night, he was saying that I was jealous and controlling, and the next night he would tell me how wonderful I was. A part of me wondered if the pendulum would stop swinging back and forth and if we could just…be.

In late November 2009, I was talking to my friend, AP, about the latest round of ups and downs with Buckeyes Boy.

Me: I give us a 50/50 chance of making it through New Year’s.

AP: Really? He adores you. I think you guys will work it out. He just needs to get into a routine at work first. But, at least you know you are ready!

Me: For what? [Pause.] Marriage?

AP: Yeah.

Me [laughing out loud]: I don’t know. I’m willing to stick it out with Buckeyes Boy because I love him and because of how good we were in the beginning. But, if you tell me I’m single again, I don’t think I’m going to be in a rush to get into another relationship. You know me…when did I ever talk about getting married before Buckeyes Boy?

AP [laughing]: Umm…never! When you told us that you guys were planning your wedding, I almost got whiplash! I thought the aliens had gotten you. [We both crack up.]

Me: Exactly. I know I want to be a mom. I don’t know that I want to be a wife. I’ll ride things out with Buckeyes Boy, but if we break up, I’m not sure if I see just looking for one guy to be with forever. I don’t know if that’s my thing.

Buckeyes Boy came home that evening and was up sick most of the night. I tried to do what I could to make him feel more comfortable, but some things just need to run their course. He had off the following day and gave me the heads up that two friends were having parties. As was the norm, he didn’t invite me to join him so I decided to make my own plans.

I figured that he would sleep in since he was sick most of the night, but he headed out in the morning to meet his sister for coffee. When he returned, the Ohio State-Michigan game was on, but he went back to bed since he wasn’t feeling well. (The fact that he wasn’t interested in the game as a former Buckeyes football player confused me, though.) I got him some ginger ale and some over-the-counter stuff and tucked him in.

As Buckeyes Boy and I were talking in bed, the topic of porn came up. He knew the actresses that I enjoyed, but I didn’t know whom he liked.

Me: When you are by yourself, who do you fantasize about?

Buckeyes Boy: Well, no one really.

Me: There’s not a porn star or an actress that you think about or like to watch when you are getting off?

Buckeyes Boy: I just don’t really do that.

Me: You don’t masturbate? [He nods.] I’m calling bull shit on that one.

Buckeyes Boy: Why would I do that when I can just go to a club and leave with a girl?

Me [biting my tongue from asking him why he was an almost 32-year-old man acting like he was still in college]: Really? Well, I thought you had said that you were a relationship guy.

Buckeyes Boy: I am. But when I’m not in a relationship, I’m gonna go out to take care of that. What guy wouldn’t do it that way?

Me: So…after you left Toronto [and the girl he was dating up there] and before we met, that’s what you did?

Buckeyes Boy: Yeah.

Me [as my eyes get really wide]: You sooo didn’t tell me that! You made it sound like you were all about relationships! Dare I ask if you used condoms with these women?

Buckeyes Boy: Of course.

Me: All the time? [He nods.] You definitely spun the whole, “I’m a relationship guy,” to your advantage. You made it sound like you hadn’t been with anyone since you left Toronto.

Buckeyes Boy: What if I go on your blog and read about the guys that you were with before we started dating?

Me: Go on it! You were the only person I slept with since I broke up with Lawyer Boy last Thanksgiving! I’ve had one one-night stand in a decade! I just wish you had told me this back in September.

Buckeyes Boy: What did you expect? Any guy who is good-looking enough to go into a bar and get a girl is going to do exactly the same thing!

As we rolled over to take a nap, I felt unsettled. I didn’t even bring up how he told me he had been tested for HIV when he arrived in DC and whether or not that was a lie. I just knew I needed to get tested again.

I woke up before Buckeyes Boy did, and there ended up being a change in my plans for the evening. I wasn’t going to Virginia, but rather, having dinner with my friend, Tina, in Adams Morgan. As it turned out, Buckeyes Boy’s parties that night were in Adams Morgan and U Street. Even though he had been sick a lot over the past 24 hours, he was still going to try to go out.

Me: Well, your stuff should be starting around the time that my stuff ends. If you want to grab a drink or meet up since we’ll both be in the same area, let me know. I could just come by for the first hour or so and then I’d leave you all so I can work on my thesis. Or, if you decide not to go out and you need anything, just call me. I should be home by 10 at the latest, but I can leave early if you need me to.

Buckeyes Boy: Okay. I’ll let you know.

I hadn’t heard from Buckeyes Boy when I was out with Tina so I headed home just before 10. I assumed that he had decided not to go out or else I would’ve heard from him. My assumptions were proven wrong, though, when I got off the elevator on my floor. The air was filled with the aroma of Buckeyes Boy’s cologne.

“I just missed him!” I thought to myself. “That fucker didn’t even call me!”

Sure enough, I went inside, and he was gone. I called Tina with tears streaming down my eyes.

“This is ridiculous! I take care of his ass all night and now he’s out with friends who don’t know that I even exist and he doesn’t even let me come along for a drink?!?”

“You need to sit down and talk to him,” Tina said.

I agreed with her, but I also wondered if talking to him would even register. He always belittled my attempts to talk about our relationship problems, or he would deflect the conversation to make me feel like I was in the wrong, jealous and insecure.

As the clock went from 10pm to 2am, I got progressively more upset. I thought about telling him to pack his stuff up, call his sister, and get out of my place. I thought about leaving his stuff outside my apartment door. But, I realized that he would be coming home after a night of drinking and that wasn’t the right time to get into a relationship discussion or end things so abruptly.

When Buckeyes Boy got back, he was buzzed and clearly had no idea that I might be mad at him. I just kissed him hello and went back to bed. In the morning, he was Mr. Friendly as he got ready for work, thanking me for taking care of him and telling me how much fun he had the previous evening.

Buckeyes Boy: I don’t think I can go out tonight since the event will be a late one, but maybe Monday night? [I nod my head.] I know that you wanted to go out before I leave for Georgia, and I definitely want to do that.

Me: Okay.

We walked out of the apartment building, and after I kissed him and went on my way with Nutter, I found myself rolling my eyes. In contrast with the past month, I wasn’t sad anymore. As I continued around Rock Creek Parkway, I tried to figure out why. My call with AP had me thinking:

I’ve been putting my goal on hold for Buckeyes Boy. And, I had to ask myself if he was worth doing that for.

“What goal?” you might be asking.

Being a Mom. I had told myself in 2008 that if two things happened in 2009 (I moved into a 2-bedroom apartment, and my health was stable), I would start the process to adopt an older child in 2010. Both of those important pieces were in place, but now, with Buckeyes Boy on the scene, I was putting his needs and goals before mine.

I decided to ride it out with Buckeyes Boy for six more weeks to see if he stepped up. If things didn’t markedly change by the time 2010 rolled around (and yes, I knew that I needed to play a role in standing up for myself), then the Ball in Times Square wasn’t the only thing that would be dropped.

The light bulb

My game of Chutes and Ladders with Buckeyes Boy continued. There seemed to be a direct correlation between his work schedule, his mood and his health. When he didn’t have a day off all week, he was exhausted, sick and not the nicest guy to be around. We would still talk and have sex, but the overwhelming stress of his job sucked the life and the light out of him. He got his dream job, but at what price? Could he continue at this pace? Could we?

Around election time in November 2009, Buckeyes Boy asked me a question about local politics. I was in the zone, working on my thesis, so I just answered his question briefly.

Buckeyes Boy: Don’t you even know what’s going on in your own city? I need to get you more involved in politics.

I just looked at him and shrugged. A few days later, I relayed the story to my friend, Nicole, and her big, beautiful brown eyes got so wide that she looked like a deer in headlights.

Nicole [laughing hysterically]: Is he kidding? You must have really kept quiet the past few months.

I thought about her comment, and realized that she was right. I had kept quiet about a lot. Buckeyes Boy is a smart guy, and he respects my intellect, but I had been downplaying my accomplishments and intelligence around him. It was odd for me to realize how I had made myself so deferential to him that he didn’t even know that I had come to DC for a Political Science Internship, let alone how many protests and marches in which I had participated.

All that changed, however, when he brought up a topic relating to my specific field of practice. I launched into a 30-minute diatribe about the flaws with our legal system and current policies. He listened and asked follow-up questions, but I sensed that he was surprised. I also realized that I had been “dumbing myself down” around Buckeyes Boy. I needed to stop doing that and find a way to be supportive of him without dismissing my own strengths and accomplishments.

The week before Thanksgiving, Buckeyes Boy had to work 80 hours without a day off, which took a toll on him and us. I tried to focus on how the glass was half-full. But, I became rather salty when I saw on Twitter that: 1) he had given Susan a tour of his office; and 2) he went out with friends for drinks after work without letting me know in advance. For me, that was a Double Whammy!

He could tell I was upset at him when he came home, but he didn’t know why.

Me: Really? There’s nothing you did today that might upset me. (And, yes, that was totally the passive-aggressive way to approach the matter.)

Buckeyes Boy: [Pause.] Oh, that Susan came to the Convention Center?

Me: Ya think?!?

Buckeyes Boy: Well, she was down there. What was I supposed to do?

Me: I don’t mind you having lunch with your friends or showing them around. But, I had told you before that it’s important to me that your friends know I exist and that I see your office before other girls do.

Buckeyes Boy [raising his voice]: She was down there for work! What does it matter who I show around my office?

Me: I could see if we hadn’t talked about this before, but we did. This matters to me. And, how do you think it makes me feel to find this all out on Twitter?

Buckeyes Boy: You are so jealous!

Me: No. I’m not jealous of you being friends with other girls. It just makes me feel like you don’t care about me when I tell you something and you don’t appreciate where I’m coming from. I get that people are down near your office. I just don’t get why you wouldn’t show me around before other girls when we talked about this.

Buckeyes Boy: This doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t like this at all! And, Susan’s the person you should least be worried about! What about the other girls who I’ve shown around the office who didn’t Tweet about it?

(I could tell that he was just trying to get under my skin with that one so I didn’t directly respond to that. I know the girls to whom he was referring, but the girls weren’t the problem here.)

Me: I don’t care that you have friends who are girls and that you spend time with them. I care about the fact that I’m trying to be a part of your world like you are a part of mine, and you won’t let me in. You make me feel like I’m asking you for these outlandish things, when I’m asking for very little! [I’m crying enough by this point that I need to get a tissue.] Remember how you told me about your girl in Charlotte and how you had a relationship of convenience? [Pause.] Is that how you see me?

Buckeyes Boy [raising his voice]: That’s ridiculous! I can’t believe that you would use my past against me! What if I went on your blog and asked you about whether you were cheating on me because you cheated on other guys in the past?

(Technically, I was the other woman, not the cheater, but I decided not to argue about semantics.)

Me: Go on my blog if you want! I haven’t been with anyone since Lawyer Boy other than you, and I’ve already written posts about how I feel things for you that I’ve never felt for anyone before. I just need to know that you feel the same about me.

Buckeyes Boy: I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. If I didn’t want to be with you, I would tell you.

Our tones and words softened, and we kissed and made up. He told me that he wanted to have me come to the Convention Center after the holiday. That made me smile, but I still wasn’t comfortable with our exchange. When we fought, I always ended up apologizing for being insecure or for upsetting him. I was the submissive one in all aspects of our relationships, even when he was in the wrong or when I was asking him for things that are normal in an adult relationship.

After our conversation, I went outside to walk Nutter and called my friend, Julie. She said:

You are one of the most loving and generous people I know. You have the biggest heart, and always try to make everyone else happy. You deserve someone who appreciates how wonderful you are and who will try to make you as happy as you make him. You keep telling me that you love him, but lately, you’re always in tears when you talk about him. When was the last time he did anything nice for you?

Me: Umm. [Pause.] I don’t know. [Pause.] Going to dinner? Of course, I was the one who had to pay and then he got more parking tickets. When he came home early so we could watch Love Actually? [Pause.] Yeah, it’s been a while.

Julie: Now when was the last time you did something nice for him?

Me: [Pause.] A few hours ago. (I had made sure that I had his favorite Shiraz and cupcakes in for when he got home from work.) He shouldn’t get points for being nice 10 days ago, huh?

Julie: You deserve someone who will be good to you.

Me: I know that. I just need to get up the strength to tell him that.

The following day, I talked to several more friends about my relationship with Buckeyes Boy. The general consensus was that he didn’t appreciate me and that he was taking advantage of my generosity. After hearing that from five friends in one day, a light bulb went off in my head.

Buckeyes Boy needed to step up. Things were going to have to change.

An Oral Quandary

A friend approached me at an event last week in search of my advice about a situation with his girlfriend.

Friend: So, my girlfriend doesn't like giving me oral sex. I don't know if she had a traumatic experience or not so I don't want to pressure her, but I really like blow jobs.

Me [nodding knowingly]: Rightfully so. Did you ask her why she doesn't go down on you?

Friend: Yeah. She just said that it's not her thing.

Me: Do you go down on her?

Friend: All the time. It's the only way that she can get off.

Me: Have you asked her why it's not her thing?

Friend: No, I don't want to be insensitive. I knew you were going to ask me that. [We laugh.]

Me: Are you guys serious?

Friend: Yes. We've been together for several months. I wouldn't worry about it if we weren't.

I gave him the short version of my answer at the event, but I thought I should post the longer answer here. (And, for those of you girls who have trouble getting your guy to go downtown, most of these answers should work in reverse.)

1. Pick a time to communicate with your significant other when sex isn't on the agenda. Don't broach the subject when you are in bed or in the shower since that would just add pressure or expectations to the situation. Bring it up when you have time to talk and listen;

2. Be honest and thoughtful of the other person. This subject is on your mind, but it might not be on her mind. To paraphrase what I told my friend to say to his girlfriend, "You had mentioned a while back that you don't like giving blow jobs. I feel like it's important for us as a couple to talk about this. I love you and want to understand where you are coming from since I really enjoy the act and see it as very intimate. If you don't want to talk tonight, that's okay, though. We can talk about it more after you've given this some thought;" and

3. Respect that maybe your girlfriend doesn't know or can't articulate what she doesn't like about oral sex. When she is able to give you her response, delve into the matter further with sensitivity;

a. Is smell an issue? If so, what if you try it first in the shower so she knows that your cock is clean? (Note: be sure to rinse off after soaping up since the taste of even the mildest of soaps isn't pleasant.);

b. Is she worried that she will gag? Assure her that you won't thrust and that she can take your cock in her mouth at her pace and in the position that is most comfortable for her;

c. If she's unsure of what to do, what if you bought a sex book or attended a workshop with a sex educator? Or, check out one of my blow job posts or other info on the Internet? (Be mindful of the fact that she may or may not want to do this research with you.)

If and when she's ready to try giving you a blow job, let her know by your touch and your voice when you are enjoying a particular move. We all like gold stars; and

d. If she's unsure if she wants to swallow, don't push that. Wait until she feels more comfortable with the act before you discuss the possibility of adding that level of difficulty/stress/confusion to the mix. Let her know that you will tell her before you cum so that she can remove her mouth from your cock.

If you sense that she has had some traumatic experience with a blow job in the past, proceed cautiously and lovingly. (And, by trauma, I'm referring to something that evokes tears or anger.) Give her a hug, tell her you love her no matter what, and suggest that she speak with a health care professional to process her feelings.

What thoughts do you have for my friend? Have you encountered or felt anything similar?