How to talk to your partner about health issues

Talking about dinner, work, children, money and household responsibilities with a partner is commonplace. But, for many couples, it’s not as easy to discuss personal health issues.

If you are dealing with a medical concern, how can you address the matter with your significant other?

If your health issue is a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI) or HIV/AIDS, your partner could also be directly affected. He or she will need to get tested, and you both will need to practice safe sex at all times. As such, you should broach this matter as soon as possible. Ask your doctor, counselor or support group for ideas and literature to help guide your conversation.

If your health condition is not of the type that can be sexually transmitted, is now the right time to bring this topic up with your significant other? Consider the length of time you’ve been in a relationship and the level of openness you and your partner have. (You might not want to talk about a digestive or reproductive problem with a new partner or a significant other who never discusses normal bodily functions.) It’s perfectly fine to wait to address the matter, as long as: 1) you aren’t lying to your partner; and 2) you don’t need your significant other’s support at this time.

Before you talk to your partner, it will help if you’ve reached a level of acceptance surrounding your condition. (No one likes health problems, but it will be easier for you to discuss it after you’ve processed some of your feelings.) You might find it valuable to write about the experience and accompanying emotions in a journal or blog, join a support group, talk to friends who have dealt with health issues, or meet with a counselor or clergy.

Once you feel more comfortable with your situation, how should you proceed?

1. Prepare your talking points beforehand. Write down notes or review how you will address the conversation in your head prior to actually bringing it up with your partner;

2. Consider your significant other’s frame of reference to help guide the discussion. Has your partner had his or her own health problems? Is your significant other a compassionate individual? Has anyone in his or her life had a medical condition? If so, how did he or she react?

3. Once you determine your significant other’s frame of reference, try to put yourself in his or her shoes. Will your partner think that you are addressing this matter to look for his or her specific help? What can your significant other do to support you as you deal with this? Will your partner be concerned about whether your condition is contagious, is all in your head, or will limit your ability to enjoy your normal activities as a couple (both sexual and non-sexual)? What if this is too much for your significant other to process right away? Run through as many scenarios as you can think of and plan your responses accordingly. Seek advice or suggestions from a confidant or counselor, if you’d like;

4. Decide if it would be worth providing your partner with a medical brochure or a link to a reliable online health resource. If so, ask your doctor for a good pamphlet or search for a website with useful information about your condition;

5. Once you have processed your feelings and are prepared to have the conversation, pick a time to broach the topic when you won’t feel rushed. Don’t bring the subject up when you and your partner are in bed or naked. You don’t want to add pressure or the expectation of sex to an already stressful situation;

6. When you get into the conversation, be honest and gentile in your tone. Using your own words and style, say something like:

There’s a personal issue that I’ve wanted to talk to you about. Since we’re dating/married/in a serious relationship, I feel like it’s important for you to know that I’ve been struggling with something physically/emotionally. I have [fill in the blank].

I appreciate if this might be a lot for you to process. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have now or later, and I wrote down a website you might want to check out. I realize that you can’t fix or change this, but I just wanted to let you know because [fill in the blank with what’s applicable to you. Will you need your partner’s support or help in any way, or are you just telling him or her to be honest?].

7. Let your partner’s facial expressions and body language be the guide for how often you pause and how much detail you go into about your health condition in this first conversation. If he or she looks confused, sad or uncomfortable, it’s okay to say:

I know that I just threw a lot of information at you. We don’t need to talk about this all now. Just know I’m here if you have any questions and how thankful I am to have you in my life.

8. If your significant other does appear open to discussing your medical issue in greater detail, I advise highlighting certain points without overwhelming your partner with information. Try to focus on the basics about the condition itself, what medical help you’re received, and what specific role you see your significant other playing.

Physical and emotional health problems are a natural part of a life. There’s no need for you to feel embarrassed or ashamed about a medical condition. Talking about health issues with your partner may seem daunting, but in the majority of cases, it’s important for both you and your significant other to do so. We all deserve support from our loved ones in good times and in bad.

How to master the art of dirty talk

How can you master the art of dirty talk to enhance your sex life? Read on for my tips:

1. Status check.

There are people who never curse or talk in slang, while others use these words as part of their daily vernacular. If you fall into the former group, then it would be out-of-character to look at your partner and let out a barrage of expletives or slang words. Assess how you normally interact as a couple. Then, working within your comfort zone, take it up a notch.

If you’re new to talking dirty, ease into it via text messaging or in the bedroom with the lights out. If that seems too daunting for you, think of phrases when you’re alone in the shower and whisper them out loud. Get yourself warmed up to the idea by finding expressions that excite you.

2. Getting started.

Whether you are new or experienced at dirty talk, texts and emails can be used to spice up your relationship. If you aren’t sure of what to say, keep it simple:

Missing your [blank]; or

Can’t wait to kiss/lick/suck/fuck your [blank].

Fill-in-the-blank or leave it open and see how your partner responds. If you have special nicknames or words that you use together, include those in your dirty texts. Secret phrases that only you two share can be sexy!

If work and family keep you and your partner from spending much quality time together, then incorporate dirty talk into your routine to reconnect. Send a text or write a note before date night to build up the anticipation for that time and remind your significant other how you feel about him or her.

3. Know your audience.

If your partner has never expressed an interest in anal, then I wouldn’t send a text or make a comment in the bedroom about that. Likewise, if your significant other isn’t the quickest with double entendres, steer clear of those.

Think about what you and your partner find hot or enjoyable and add those things into your repertoire of dirty talk!

4. What manner works best for you?

How do you and your significant other communicate? Is sexting a good way to spice up your relationship, or is e-mail easier? Did you give cards to each other when you first met? What about the phone or Skype? Or, are you people who thrive on face-to-face conversation? Stick with what is comfortable for you both if sex talk is a new element to your relationship.

5. Ready, set, talk!

Use virtual modes of communication to help you develop your naughty side outside of the bedroom. Then, bring that excitement into the bedroom. If you’re not accustomed to talking in bed, a simple “right there,” “more,” or “don’t stop” is a great way to start. Then, incorporate the language that you used in your naughty texts or notes into your live dirty talk.

Once you start to feel more comfortable, build on that. Look your partner in the eyes, hold his or her face close to yours and say exactly what you want him or her to do to you:

I can’t wait for you to put your…

The goal here is to sound sexy, but genuine. It’s not hot if you say anything in a monotone or apprehensive voice without any passion behind it. But, if you’re at ease saying a word and you’re clearly enjoying yourself, then your partner should sense that and respond accordingly!

Be yourself, and remember that there’s no right or wrong here if it feels okay to you both. Have fun!xoxo

Routine

Two girlfriends were in DC for a conference in early February, and we gathered at Proof to eat, drink and talk about work and boys. After listening to the latest about their jobs and beaus, I updated them about my life over the past six months. As I was in the middle of telling them about Mr. Exec, Best Boy, and Mr. Agency, I received a text message from Best Boy with his typical opener:

Hey.

Given the timing, I chuckled when I saw the message come in.

Me: Best Boy’s wanting to hang tonight.

Ash: Have him come by! We want to meet him. [Lauren nods in agreement.]

Me: Okay.

I continued to finish my story, and shortly thereafter, Best Boy joined us. Lauren was discussing one of the guys she was dating, and Best Boy politely interjected to get caught up to speed.

Lauren was torn between whether she viewed this guy as a friend with benefits or someone with relationship potential. The situation became even more confusing since she occasionally did work for his company.

Me: Do you care about him as more than a friend you have sex with?

Lauren: I think so. [Pause.] Maybe. [Pause.] I just don’t know what he wants.

Best Boy, Ash and I agreed that Lauren needed to talk to the guy about their situation. As Lauren debated how best to broach the subject, Best Boy suggested that she ask him:

So…what’s our deal?

Over the next 15 minutes, Best Boy offered a variety of strategies to Lauren. I had forgotten how good he was at listening and giving advice! Lauren thanked him for his input and peppered him with a few follow-up questions. While they were engrossed in the discussion, Ash mouthed to me:

He’s awesome…and really cute! Go with him!

I shrugged my shoulders and mouthed:

We’ll see.

As Best Boy and I walked to his car, it crossed my mind that I didn’t know what OUR deal was. I still wasn’t sure what I wanted, though, so it still didn’t make sense for me to broach that subject with him.

While he was driving, I turned and kissed him on the cheek. Best Boy looked at me with a mildly confused expression on his face.

Me: Thanks. They really liked you. You’re a good guy, Mr. Best Boy. [We both smile.]

When we arrived home, we went upstairs, got ready for bed, and had sex. It wasn’t mind blowing, but it was comfortable. I had always seen routines as bad when it came to relationships, but with Best Boy, it was nice to know what to expect. I might not have known what our deal was or where this was going, but we cared about each other. That was enough for now.

The lumps that aren’t so lovely

I know boobs. I love tits. And, I'm all over breast health. In fact, since I was diagnosed with breast cancer last June, it seems that I’m all about the tatas.

With the disclaimer that I’m not a doctor nor do I play one on TV, here are some responses to questions that I’ve received about the boobies:

Question: I found a lump, and I’m freaking out. What do I do?

Answer: The first time you find a lump is definitely scary. Breathe, do something that helps you relax, and try to remind yourself that you don’t have enough information yet to truly lose it. Breast tissue changes throughout the month because of hormones, and those changes are completely normal.

Wait until after your next period is finished, and do another self-exam. If the lump is still there, then it’s worth making an appointment with your gynecologist or a breast surgeon. (If you're a guy, I would also wait about a month and then make an appointment with your internist.)

Question: You had breast cancer, City Girl! Since I found a lump, I’m worried that I have it, too.

Answer: My health history and my family health history put me at a much greater risk for breast cancer. Please remember, though, that my story is far from the average young woman’s story. The average age for a breast cancer diagnosis in the United States is 61 years.

Over your lifetime, you have a one in eight chance of being diagnosed with breast cancer. But, in your 30s, only one in 233 women receives a positive diagnosis. The odds are slim that a lump that you find in your 20s, 30s, or 40s is cancerous.

I don’t write and talk about breast cancer as a scare tactic, but rather to make young men and women more aware and empowered. It’s important to:

1. Know your body, including your boobs;
2. Work with knowledgeable health care professionals and obtain online information from reliable medical sources;
3. Take control of your health from an early age (and not just so you can look great in a swim suit);
4. Reach out to others who have health problems with compassion; and
5. Talk about health, sex and other medical issues without fear or embarrassment.

Question: I’m worried because I have a lump in my breast that’s painful.

Answer: Pain is never fun or easy to tolerate. However, most painful lumps are benign (non-cancerous). If the lump doesn’t decrease in size and remains consistently painful, you can always schedule a minor surgery to get it removed.

Painful lumps are also common for women with fibrocystic breasts. More than 50% of women deal with this at some point in their lives, and these lumps are completely benign.

Question: I waited until after my next period, and the lump is still there. Should I call the gynecologist?

Answer: That depends. If you’ve never worked with a breast surgeon or had a mammogram before, then yes. I would call your gynecologist to make an appointment for a Clinical Breast Exam. If the gynecologist feels the lump, too, he or she may suggest that you return in six months for a follow-up. Depending on your insurance coverage, I’d ask: 1) for the name and number of a breast surgeon; 2) for the name and number of a breast radiologist; and 3) if you can return in three months.

A breast surgeon’s Clinical Breast Exam will last two or three times longer than the exam that your gynecologist performs. Why is that? The breast surgeon deals with just breasts, while the gynecologist is trained more in issues involving your gynecological and reproductive health. There are general surgeons who perform breast exams and surgeries, but I prefer going to a surgeon who deals with the breast exclusively.

If the gynecologist recommends that you receive a breast ultrasound or mammogram, then make sure that the facility you go to uses digital mammography and has at least one breast radiologist who deals with breasts exclusively.

If you don’t care to wait six months for a follow-up, you don’t need to. You know your body better than anyone. (Check with your insurance provider about coverage for these appointments. Also remember that you can ask any medical provider if you can pay your balance in installments. If you don’t have sufficient coverage, inquire if there’s a clinic in the area. If you’re in the DC area, it’s worth the trip to Sibley Hospital if you have insurance, and the Capital Breast Care Center if you don’t.)

Question: I’ve never felt any lumps. Are there other things that I should be looking out for?

Answer: Yes! Make an appointment with your doctor if:

1. There’s pain under your armpits;
2. There’s discharge from your nipples, or a change in your nipples' color or size;
3. Your breast changes in size or shape;
4. The skin on your breast looks different;
5. You are a man and feel pain in your chest or notice abnormalities in the appearance of your nipples or pectoral area; and/or
6. Anything doesn’t sit well with you. Trust your instincts!

What happens if the doctor wants you to get a sonogram, mammogram or biopsy? What if you or a loved one receives a breast cancer diagnosis? I'll tackle those in future posts. Comment on here or Formspring, Tweet or email me at citygirlblogs (at) gmail with any other questions.

PS If you’re interested in joining my Komen Global Race for the Cure team or making a donation, click here. You can join the team under the “sleep in” option even if you don’t live in DC or are unable to participate in the 5K. There's a promotion code through May 31st to save $5 off the registration fee. Enter HIGH5 in the code box.
 

Simmering

I felt like a little girl in a grassy field, holding a daisy in her hand.

I love him.

I love him not.

I really like him.

I don’t know what I want.

I felt like a woman of a certain age, sitting on a porch, fanning herself.

I might love him.

Ooh! I need some lemonade. These hot flashes are getting out of control!

I might just like the fact that he’s been around so much.

When will these prescription drugs get out of my system?

I had this idea that a date night with Best Boy would clarify everything for me. (It might have been the steroids or the menopausal hormones clouding my mind.) Could one night in public – our first since we had started sleeping together and I had started chemotherapy – help me figure out what, if anything, I wanted out of our relationship?

We decided to meet at halftime during the Conference Championship Playoff games at Café Milano. (I had lost a bet six months prior and knew I needed to pay up with a nice meal. But, since both of us were sports fans, we didn’t want to miss the game.)

Dinner was nice. The conversation was nice. We both looked nice. That’s a lot of “nice,” huh? But, all that niceness didn’t feel great. In fact, as dates go, it was rather dull. We were both exhausted from our respective weeks so neither of us was our usual extroverted selves. And, the game wasn’t particularly exciting by that point so the televisions didn’t provide much distraction.

I wondered if our dynamic didn’t translate well when we weren’t at my place. For several months, we had a great mode as friends who would socialize together. And, then, we began having sex right after I had my lumpectomy. Casual brunches and lots of time at my place had replaced our light-hearted and flirtatious conversations at bars and events. Did our relationship only work when Best Boy was taking care of me, or we were at my house?

I also wondered what, if any, role my upcoming beach trip with my ex-boyfriend and very close friend, Philly Matt, played. Earlier in January, I had shown Best Boy the house that our group was going to rent for President’s Day Weekend. He and I had sat on my couch, clicking through the photo gallery of the amazing 11-bedroom rental.

I had let Best Boy know that I wasn’t sure if the trip would be “Friends Only” or not, and that I was waiting to hear from Philly Matt about his plans. I had figured that I would invite Best Boy, if Philly Matt invited his girlfriend, Tammy. When Philly Matt said that he wasn’t going to invite Tammy, I decided not to ask Best Boy to join me. I also indicated to Matt that I had hoped to meet Tammy over dinner when I was up in Philadelphia in March for a conference.

I wasn't sure if it was just work and the holidays that had caused Best Boy to be less available to me. Was he tired of coming in second? In May, I had chosen his best friend, Mr. Exec, over him, and then in September, I chose Mr. Agency over him. Now, I was seemingly choosing a guy with whom I wasn’t even having sex! As easy-going as Best Boy is, that pattern might not sit well with him.

When Best Boy and I arrived home after our dinner date, we both had trouble keeping our eyes open, and yet, we still managed to have sex. There was more of the same in the morning before he headed off to work.

I had hoped for fireworks, but instead, there were only a few sparks. Why was that? And, was it coming from me, from him or from us? Maybe it was just too soon to tell. I didn’t feel overwhelmed or sad about the situation so I felt it best to simmer some more.

My mantra with Best Boy had become:

Time will tell.

And, as we all know, it always does.
 

Adult toys for first timers

Shopping for your first sex toy can be a bit overwhelming. There are so many options that it’s tough to know where to start. Here are a few tips:

1. Choose body-friendly products that don’t contain any toxic ingredients or allergens. Be wary of jelly soft or jelly rubber toys, unless the package indicates that the toy is phthalate-free. Choose products that contain medical-grade ingredients or indicate that they’re sex-positive or body friendly. Buy from the manufacturers or reliable online retailers such as Good Vibrations, Love Honey, Overkink or Unbound Babes.

2. Look for products that are easy to operate and position to help make your first experience a good one; and

3. Find toys that are well constructed and within your price range. 

What clitoral and anal toys are great picks for beginners?

Clitoral Toys: A product designed for external (clitoral) stimulation is a must-have for everyone with a vagina!

The Lelo Mia is a sleek, lipstick-sized vibrator that wins on form and function! Lelo makes high-quality sex toys, and the Mia is quiet, powerful, portable and rechargeable. It’s also a favorite pick by sex educators for cis-women who are post-partum or recuperating from illness or surgery. For those of you who would enjoy a slightly larger starter toy with more power, the Lelo Siri or Dame Pom are great bets!

For parents or out there who want a toy that doesn’t look out of place in your home, how about Rub My Duckie massager or vibrating egg? Both are discreet, quiet and effective with multi-speed vibrations. The Duckie is also waterproof. Also recognize that there doesn’t need to be shame or embarrassment surrounding having a massage toy in your home. 

If you’re game for a more intense experience, there is no substitute for the Hitachi Magic Wand! This massager is a very powerful and durable plug-in toy. Once you try it, you’ll be hooked! It’s a two-speed massager so start on the lower speed and work your way up.

Bullet and egg-shaped toys are popular for clitoral stimulation since they are small, inexpensive and easy to operate. Some bullets come with covered sheaths or in animal shapes, and some wireless models are compatible with cock rings. A favorite pick is the 10 Function Remote Bullet. It’s wireless, great for singles or couples, and body-friendly. The ten speeds are able to entertain old and new toy users alike!

Anal Toys: Anal products can provide much pleasure for both men and women! If you’re using an anal toy for the first time, remember that smaller is better. Stick with a product designed for beginners until you become accustomed to anal play.

Butt plugs are a simple way to ease into anal fun. Look for silicone or latex products that are phthalate-free. Make sure that the base of the toy is larger than all parts of the toy itself so that it won’t get stuck inside of you. Also remember to also have lubricant on hand, and don’t use silicone lube with silicone toys since that can make the texture tacky.

For non-vibrating plugs, the small silicone Pop Plug is a good bet. The Pop Plug is economical and unassuming in size. You can also check out the Basix four inch butt plug for the next step in anal play. This rubber toy is still slim enough for first timers and contains no phthalates or latex.

Vibrating butt plugs allow for increased anal stimulation with less effort! The Mini Vibro Tease is a sex-positive, multi-speed vibrating plug with the added advantage of being waterproof.

For men interested in prostate massage, I’ve heard great things about the Aneros MGX. Aneros was medically designed to provide maximum stimulation of the male G-Spot. This product is manageable enough for first-timers and was voted one of the best sex toys by Talk Sex’s Sue Johanson and Playgirl.

What was your first toy, and is it still something that you enjoy today?

Open to interpretation – Part 2

Best Boy had just told me that he loved me. Did the fact that he said it for the first time ever while we were having sex negate the sentiment behind the words? Was he drunk and this was a case in which I should blame it on the alcohol? Did he really love me? Did he just love having sex with me? Or both?

Between the steroids, the chemo-induced menopause and the late hour, I wasn’t thinking clearly before Best Boy came over. I really didn’t know what to think now.

We flipped over so that I was on top of him.

Me [smiling]: You said you loved me.

Best Boy smiled back at me. We looked each other in the eyes before kissing again. After we finished having sex, I laid on top of him for a few minutes. We fell asleep for a bit before I woke up and moved back to the bedroom. (Best Boy and I never slept on the sofa bed together when one of my girlfriends was already asleep in my bedroom. I'm not exactly sure how that had become our mode, but it worked.)

I heard Best Boy wake up in the morning and went back out in the living room to join him. We cuddled and talked on the sofa bed about work and treatment. When there was a pause in the conversation, I asked:

So…what was up with the ‘I love you’ last night?

Best Boy: I knew you weren’t going to let that slide. [We laugh.]

Me [smiling at him]: Correct.

Best Boy: Well, I didn’t put it in context.

Me: Okay.

Best Boy: I have a lot of feelings for you, but I didn’t mean it like I’m IN love with you. I meant that I care about you and HAVE love for you.

Me [smiling]: Okay. I understand. [Short pause.] And, in that case, I love you, too.

He smiled back at me, as his hand touched my cheek.

Best Boy: I knew you were going to bring this up! And, this conversation is going to be a blog post, isn't it? [He says with a grin.]

Me: Yes, it is.

We laughed before I leaned in to kiss him. I decided to take his words at face value. At a minimum, we did care about and have love for each other. We could figure the rest out in due time.

When I heard my friend wake up, I left Best Boy in the living room and headed toward the bathroom.

Me: Just wanted you to know that Best Boy is here so you don’t come out without any pants.

Friend: Best Boy is here?

Me: Yeah.

Friend: I had no idea!

Me [with a mischievous giggle]: Well, thankfully, you’re a heavy sleeper.

Friend [pausing]: Did you have sex with him?

Me [smiling]: Yep.

Friend: Really?!?

Me: Yep. And it felt right. Oh, and he said he loved me, but he might not have meant it like that. [She stares at me with wide eyes.] I’ll tell you all about it on the way to brunch…

Open to interpretation

I had hoped to go out again with Stanford Man after our inspiring and enjoyable brunch, but much to my dismay, he needed to go out to Caliifornia for work. We emailed each other regularly, but it was clear this project was going to consume the majority of his time in the coming months. I hoped that I wouldn't have to wait too long to talk more with him in person.

On January 14th, I went out to an early dinner with two girlfriends. One friend came over afterwards and decided to spend the night. As I was getting ready for bed, I received a text from Best Boy. (I was thankful that my friend was a heavy sleeper so that the vibrations from Best Boy’s texts didn’t wake her.)

He was downtown, having drinks with some of his friends. When he texted me that, I assumed that he would ask to come over afterward since he knew better than to drink and drive.

Best Boy and I hadn’t talked since he had come over the prior week. I had yet to determine what, if anything, I wanted from him on the relationship front. I trusted that all would resolve itself in due time.

When he texted me that he was getting in a cab to head over to my place, I got up and prepared the sofa bed for him. I opened the door after hearing his light knock, and he immediately put his arms around me and started making out with me. Our kisses tended to be sweet, but this kiss was different and much more passionate than I was used to from him.

I didn’t have time to think about where this was going — in the short or the long term. All I knew was that it felt right. Within five minutes, Best Boy had taken my sweats off and had lifted me on top of him.

After I had gotten off, Best Boy took off his pants, and pulled me down on the couch and on top of him. When we transitioned, he got on top of me in a traditional missionary position.

He bent down to kiss me, as he thrust deeply inside of me. When our lips parted, he looked down on me and said:

I love you!

I was totally caught off guard. I didn’t have time to think about whether he really loved me or if he was just saying that in the heat of the moment. I have absolutely no poker face so I looked up at him with an expression that indicated my total confusion.

Best Boy [pause]: I love it!

I continued to stare at him with my eyes wide and my brow furrowed.

To be continued…
 

Talking it out — Part II

A part of me wondered if I should hang up the telephone, ending the unnecessary closure talk that I was having with Mr. Agency. But, I wasn't exactly thinking clearly by that point in my treatment. And, it also occurred to me that maybe…just maybe…one of us would say something that resonated in the right way to make this three-hour conversation seem worthwhile.

Mr. Agency continued talking about the night we met:

When I saw you at the Masquerade Party, I could tell that you were different from all of the usual people I meet at those types of events. I couldn’t help but want to spend more time with you. And, you're so cool, and we had a lot of fun together. You really seemed to understand my schedule. [Pause.] But, this is why I don’t get into relationships. There are always resentments.

Me: It’s not your schedule that I resented. It was your lack of communication. I tried every way I could to make things work between us, but I had to adjust reactively to you. If you had given me the heads up that your work week would go from 70 hours to 100 hours in October, I could have decided whether I wanted to hang out with you or not. But, you didn't pitch it that way. You said that you would be there for me during treatment, and yet, after the first round, you weren't!

I paused and exhaled with one tear falling down my cheek:

I wish we had been able to get to know each other without chemotherapy getting in the way.

Mr. Agency [sighing]: I know. [Pause,] Maybe it would’ve been different if that had happened much later on in our relationship.

Me: Well, I know you well enough to know that your job is only go to get more demanding over the next 10 years. [Pause.] That’s why I tried to break things down to us just seeing each other once a week on those weeks when you’re in town. I don’t understand why, if you care about me, you couldn't have done that.

Mr. Agency: My schedule doesn’t allow me to.

Me: Yes, it does! You just choose for it not to.

Mr. Agency: When I finish at work at 2 or 3am and I need to be up five hours later, I just try to get as much sleep as I can. I don’t have a choice. My body needs sleep to function.

Me: I don’t deny that, but it’s not like you can’t sleep here.

Mr. Agency: I want to be in my own bed free of distractions. You know I don’t sleep as well with someone next to me.

Quite a few minutes were spent discussing sleep. When he made a comment that if it wasn’t for his need for sleep, things might be different between us, I replied incredulously:

We all make time for the things that are important to us! You chose not to try to make things work with me when you weren’t communicative about your schedule and didn’t make an effort to come over here or invite me to your place or your events. I'm understanding of your schedule and the fact that you couldn't take me out on traditional dates. You could've met me a quarter of the way, but you wouldn't! And, the sleep thing is total bullshit. I was asking for one night a week! When I hang up, should I text a few of my friends and say:

Mr. Agency and I finally ended things. We’re breaking up because his sleep is important to him?

He didn’t find that amusing and tried for another few minutes to convince me of his position.

Mr. Agency: You’re going to tell all your friends about what an asshole I am.

Me: I don’t think you’re an asshole, but I think you could’ve handled things much better where I was concerned.

He refused to admit that, instead going into how being in a relationship negatively impacts his work performance.

Me: I just think that’s because you haven’t let any woman truly in and given her the chance to be there for you and help you out. All relationships don’t have to be distracting.

We kept going around in circles, and every 30 minutes, I inquired why we even needed to be having this conversation in the first place.

Mr. Agency: Well, don’t you think it's valuable to hear each other’s perspective?

Me: No, I don’t. It won’t change anything.

Mr. Agency: But, don’t you feel like it’s been worthwhile for us to talk?

Me: No, I don’t. This conversation is honestly just making me more irritated with you.

Mr. Agency finally realized that I was right. There wasn’t anything else for us to say to each other.

By the time I hung up the telephone, I was exasperated with him. Mr. Agency wanted to come across as the good guy. I didn't think of him as a bad guy, but he sure wasn't a guy who had treated me well.
 

Talking it out

As I had predicted, Mr. Agency called me three days after our text conversation. In those 72 hours, I didn't shed a tear over him or even give him much thought. I was feeling horribly from my fifth round of chemotherapy, and I had zero energy to give to a guy with whom I was occasionally having sex.

When he finally called, he asked how I was feeling.

Me: It’s been rough.

Mr. Agency: So, there are good and bad days?

Me [pausing]: Umm…there haven’t been good days for the past two rounds. More like good hours.

I shook my head at my telephone, wondering if this was the same guy who had been so attentive during surgery and the first round of chemotherapy.

Mr. Agency: Oh. [Pause.] So you had asked me to call you…

Me: I did, but after I texted you, I realized that it’s not necessary for us to talk. Your actions speak volumes.

Mr. Agency: Well, that doesn’t seem fair.

Me: It’s not fair or unfair. It’s honest. We don’t need to talk to get closure since talking won’t change the fact that: 1) we can’t be friends because you aren’t able to make time for your friends; 2) we can’t be in a relationship because you're not interested in that; and 3) we can’t just have a sexual thing because your schedule doesn’t allow for you to do that regularly. So…what’s left? Am I missing something?

For the next THREE hours, Mr. Agency tried to convince me that he was a good guy and that this wasn't about how he felt about me. For 30 minutes straight in one hour and 15 minute in another, I didn’t even utter a sound. I just held my head in my hand from exhaustion and annoyance.

Every half hour or so, I would say:

Why are we talking? We can't be friends, in a relationship or fuck buddies. There's nothing to say! I feel like I should just hang up on you.

But, I didn’t hang up so we – or was it just he? – kept talking. To summarize some of the main points:

Mr. Agency: I think we can be friends.

Me: How? You barely have time for your guy friends, and you don’t really have female friends. And, I demand a lot more from my friends than just a guy I’m fucking. I don’t think you’re a bad guy, but do you really see us being anymore than Facebook friends or DC friends who hug hello at events?

Mr. Agency: I want you to be able to call me if you need anything. It's not like I haven't wanted to be there for you during treatment. I get how tough this has been on you.

Me: I have one more round of chemotherapy and six weeks of radiation left. If you want to show me that you can be a friend to me, you'll have ample opportunities. [And, yes, I rolled my eyes at the phone as I said this, knowing that Mr. Agency would never reach out to me during treatment.]

Mr. Agency: It's just my schedule makes everything so tough.

Me: I don't doubt that. But, you said you would be there for me during cancer, and you weren't! [Pause.] And, I feel like I’ve been more than understanding about your schedule. That’s why I pitched us hanging out once a week. Sex is one of the few things that actually works for us. And, you said yes to getting together once a week, and then you didn't follow through on that either!

Mr. Agency: I didn’t agree to that.

Me: You kept saying, 'Yes,' and 'Okay,' as we were talking. So, what do 'Yes' and 'Okay' mean to you?

Mr. Agency: I was just letting you know that I heard you and I appreciated where you were coming from.

Me: Come on! I phrased the question several different ways, and each time, you claimed you agreed with me. If you didn't want to see me once a week, but just wanted to have sex that night, then you should've just said that! Then, I could've decided to play or pass.

Mr. Agency: You don't realize how persuasive you are!

Me: What?

Mr. Agency: Well, there were times over the past few months that I tried to let you know how I was feeling, but you were always so persuasive.

Me: Umm…you never said, 'I don’t want to see you anymore,' or 'Let’s end this.' If you had, I would’ve respected that. You kept coming over so how was I supposed to think any differently. And…you kept agreeing with whatever arrangement I pitched!

Mr. Agency: I kept assuming that you would say that you weren’t getting what you needed. But, then, when we would get together, you would pitch something so persuasively that I had to say, ‘Yes.’

Me: You had to say, 'Yes?' That's ridiculous! I never forced you to say or do anything! I cared about you! Of course, I’m going to try to find a way to continue seeing you. But, when I realized what you could and couldn’t handle, I adjusted my line-up accordingly. [Mr. Agency simultaneously loved and hated my sexuality so I purposely used the term, ‘line-up,’ to upset him.]

Mr. Agency: Your line-up? You know I’m not comfortable with that. I never had a line-up. I would never treat you like that.

Me: But, if you're not around or you're promising me that you'll do something and not following through, how are you treating me?

Mr. Agency: This is why I never get into relationships. There always ends up being resentments in the end. But, when I met you, I felt something I hadn't felt in a while. You were different.

The conversation continued, as will this story with tomorrow's post.