Talking it out

As I had predicted, Mr. Agency called me three days after our text conversation. In those 72 hours, I didn't shed a tear over him or even give him much thought. I was feeling horribly from my fifth round of chemotherapy, and I had zero energy to give to a guy with whom I was occasionally having sex.

When he finally called, he asked how I was feeling.

Me: It’s been rough.

Mr. Agency: So, there are good and bad days?

Me [pausing]: Umm…there haven’t been good days for the past two rounds. More like good hours.

I shook my head at my telephone, wondering if this was the same guy who had been so attentive during surgery and the first round of chemotherapy.

Mr. Agency: Oh. [Pause.] So you had asked me to call you…

Me: I did, but after I texted you, I realized that it’s not necessary for us to talk. Your actions speak volumes.

Mr. Agency: Well, that doesn’t seem fair.

Me: It’s not fair or unfair. It’s honest. We don’t need to talk to get closure since talking won’t change the fact that: 1) we can’t be friends because you aren’t able to make time for your friends; 2) we can’t be in a relationship because you're not interested in that; and 3) we can’t just have a sexual thing because your schedule doesn’t allow for you to do that regularly. So…what’s left? Am I missing something?

For the next THREE hours, Mr. Agency tried to convince me that he was a good guy and that this wasn't about how he felt about me. For 30 minutes straight in one hour and 15 minute in another, I didn’t even utter a sound. I just held my head in my hand from exhaustion and annoyance.

Every half hour or so, I would say:

Why are we talking? We can't be friends, in a relationship or fuck buddies. There's nothing to say! I feel like I should just hang up on you.

But, I didn’t hang up so we – or was it just he? – kept talking. To summarize some of the main points:

Mr. Agency: I think we can be friends.

Me: How? You barely have time for your guy friends, and you don’t really have female friends. And, I demand a lot more from my friends than just a guy I’m fucking. I don’t think you’re a bad guy, but do you really see us being anymore than Facebook friends or DC friends who hug hello at events?

Mr. Agency: I want you to be able to call me if you need anything. It's not like I haven't wanted to be there for you during treatment. I get how tough this has been on you.

Me: I have one more round of chemotherapy and six weeks of radiation left. If you want to show me that you can be a friend to me, you'll have ample opportunities. [And, yes, I rolled my eyes at the phone as I said this, knowing that Mr. Agency would never reach out to me during treatment.]

Mr. Agency: It's just my schedule makes everything so tough.

Me: I don't doubt that. But, you said you would be there for me during cancer, and you weren't! [Pause.] And, I feel like I’ve been more than understanding about your schedule. That’s why I pitched us hanging out once a week. Sex is one of the few things that actually works for us. And, you said yes to getting together once a week, and then you didn't follow through on that either!

Mr. Agency: I didn’t agree to that.

Me: You kept saying, 'Yes,' and 'Okay,' as we were talking. So, what do 'Yes' and 'Okay' mean to you?

Mr. Agency: I was just letting you know that I heard you and I appreciated where you were coming from.

Me: Come on! I phrased the question several different ways, and each time, you claimed you agreed with me. If you didn't want to see me once a week, but just wanted to have sex that night, then you should've just said that! Then, I could've decided to play or pass.

Mr. Agency: You don't realize how persuasive you are!

Me: What?

Mr. Agency: Well, there were times over the past few months that I tried to let you know how I was feeling, but you were always so persuasive.

Me: Umm…you never said, 'I don’t want to see you anymore,' or 'Let’s end this.' If you had, I would’ve respected that. You kept coming over so how was I supposed to think any differently. And…you kept agreeing with whatever arrangement I pitched!

Mr. Agency: I kept assuming that you would say that you weren’t getting what you needed. But, then, when we would get together, you would pitch something so persuasively that I had to say, ‘Yes.’

Me: You had to say, 'Yes?' That's ridiculous! I never forced you to say or do anything! I cared about you! Of course, I’m going to try to find a way to continue seeing you. But, when I realized what you could and couldn’t handle, I adjusted my line-up accordingly. [Mr. Agency simultaneously loved and hated my sexuality so I purposely used the term, ‘line-up,’ to upset him.]

Mr. Agency: Your line-up? You know I’m not comfortable with that. I never had a line-up. I would never treat you like that.

Me: But, if you're not around or you're promising me that you'll do something and not following through, how are you treating me?

Mr. Agency: This is why I never get into relationships. There always ends up being resentments in the end. But, when I met you, I felt something I hadn't felt in a while. You were different.

The conversation continued, as will this story with tomorrow's post.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *