Great is all relative

A month from now, I’ll be done with cancer treatment. I’m sure I’ll celebrate with close friends after I recover from the mediport removal, and I plan to hold a larger party to benefit Pink Jams in early October. But, celebrations seem bittersweet right now.

I’m beyond lucky and blessed that this aggressive strain of cancer was caught early. And, I’m thankful that I’m almost done with treatment. I also appreciate that my life has been enriched and my relationship clarified because of my diagnosis.

“Then why is this bittersweet, City Girl?” you might be wondering.

The short answer is that I still don’t feel like myself. I was the girl who would receive compliments from strangers about her hair on a daily basis. I was the woman who could get a guy to notice her just by a flip of her long, red locks. I was the 36-year-old who was approached by a modeling agent because of her height, weight and hair.

Then, I was the girl who got attention for being bald. I might have felt ill and frustrated by the weight I had gained from the steroids, but I could justify that. I was a walking advocacy opportunity.

Now, with my short hair that curls at the end thanks to chemotherapy and the inability to lose those last ten pounds, I look like I’m auditioning for a middle-aged woman who can blend in the crowd. And, suffice it to say, I hate blending in a crowd.

Are all of these concerns vain? Completely.
Are all of these feelings valid? Yes.

I keep asking people not to talk about my hair, and I just smile and say thanks when people say that I look great.

It seems nicer than saying: Yes, it’s great that I’m not still in chemo and that you feel more comfortable because I now have hair.

“But, your hair will grow back!” I’ve heard.

Yes, it will — in approximately three years! You don’t tell someone who’s starting law school that they’re almost done, right?

I have been doing more over the past two weeks, and for that, I am thankful. But, I’m still getting sick almost every day from the non-chemotherapy cancer medication that I took for only five days last month!

This, too, shall pass, I realize. And, I fully appreciate that this could be so, so, so much worse. But, please, let me be vain and angry and not have to roll my eyes with all the well-intentioned comments about how beautiful I look and how short hair flatters me.

If you have a couple of minutes, this scene with Maura Tierney from Rescue Me (at about 4:30-5:30) captures what I want to do anytime people say how great I look or how wonderful it must feel for this to be almost over.
 

How to show support during a health crisis

A friend was told that she has Parkinson’s Disease. A co-worker just learned that he has cancer. Your old college roommate had a stillbirth.

How can you show your support for those people that you care about?

Here are my recommendations:

1. Something is always better than nothing. In this technological age, there are numerous options to demonstrate concern in a manner that’s easy and free. Sending your thoughts through an email, a comment on Facebook, a text message or a Tweet can go a long way. Your message doesn’t need to be long, just sincere.

Good options include: a) I’m thinking of you; b) You’re in my prayers; and c) I’m sorry, and I care.

2. Know your boundaries. There are people you call in a crisis, and there are people you don’t. Reaching out to one friend over another isn’t necessarily about which friend you’re closer to, but rather, about which friend can help you with that particular problem.

Realize that this isn’t a competition and try to be aware of your own strengths and weaknesses. We all have different skills, comfort levels and frames of reference. It’s okay to acknowledge that in a way that lets the person going through a difficult time know that you care.

One of the nicest texts I received during treatment was from a friend. She wrote:

I’ve been waiting to call you until I thought of the perfect thing to say, but I’m not good with these kinds of things. I just want you to know that I love you and am praying for you everyday.

Another friend clearly had a hard time talking to me about cancer. She was phenomenal at sending cards with sweet notes, though. Every two weeks for six months, I would pick up my mail and find another card from her. They always put a smile on my face.

3. Do your research. I find it beneficial to use the Internet to look up medical issues from reliable sources like the Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins. If I’m better informed about what issues my loved ones are dealing with, then I can be a better friend to them. Knowledge is power, and it also prevents us from saying something that we later regret or making incorrect assumptions.

For instance, a miscarriage is not the same as a stillbirth, and those two terms should not be used interchangeably. If you don’t know why, it might be worth educating yourself about it.

4. Be yourself. When my friend was battling leukemia, my group wasn’t sure what we should do. We didn’t want to do or say the wrong thing. My mentor commented:

She knows she’s dying. You always send cards and check in with your friends on the telephone. Why would you stop that now at a time when she might need it the most?

5. Don’t assume. All of us respond to a crisis differently. And, since no two people are the same, the same illness won’t manifest itself the same way in two different people. There are a variety of treatment options, and some people respond better or worse to one particular protocol than others.

The only way that you know how someone is doing is to ask:
a. How are you doing today?
b. What side effects are you experiencing this week?
c. How are you tolerating treatment?

If you have a relationship with the person in crisis, and you are taking the time to ask about his or her illness, keep your questions open-ended. Let your loved one tell you what he or she feels like sharing with you that day.

I’ve heard a lot of variations of the following statement recently:

How are you doing? I can tell that you’re feeling great because your hair is growing and you’re wearing makeup.

Me: I’m not really sure what to say to that.

I don’t mean to be rude, but if someone’s answering his or her own question, then he or she really doesn’t want to hear how I’m doing.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking about medical issues, that’s fine. Just don’t make assumptions or pass judgment.

6. Be respectful and think before you speak. Real examples of what not to say:

Husband to wife during her consultation about getting a double mastectomy: Well, your breasts were never your best feature anyway.

A neighbor to me while I was in treatment: My girlfriend didn’t even recognize you. You look so different.

Relative to a friend with severe IBS: I never let my tummy problems stop me. I just put an extra pair of underwear in my purse.

Colleague to a friend with Parkinson’s: You look good so it can’t be that bad.

If you say something and later regret what was said, apologize. We’re human, after all.

If you’d like to do more than just cards or comments, how can you be there for your loved ones during a health crisis? What can you do if you’re experiencing a health issue and don’t know how to communicate with those close to you? I’ll get to those posts in coming weeks.

What tips come to your mind, readers?

Waving my magic body wand

I was excited when Fascinations at Fun Love asked me to test the XGEN Body Wand.

“How does product testing differ from sex toy reviewing?” you might be wondering.

Well, testing typically occurs when a product: 1) is in the research and development stage and not yet available for sale; or 2) has yet to be placed on the shelves of a particular store. Product testing is less about dollar signs and consumers and more for the manufacturer's and retailer's benefit.

Since Fascinations is now carrying the Body Wand, it seemed like the perfect time to share my write-up with you. For those of you who have read my reviews, you'll notice that my writing style is less narrative and more focused on the relevant facts:

Packaging:

• Clean and simple.
• Aesthetically pleasing.
• Accurate picture and description of the product and its features.
• Indicates that the product is made of “high quality” material. Since the wand is made of body safe polymer, the box should be updated to state that it’s phthalate free and body friendly.

Instructions:

• Con: There weren’t any instructions included. I assume that the product can’t be used in water, but it didn’t say that anywhere.
• Pro: The product is incredibly easy to use. It did take me a few seconds to figure out where to connect the charger, though.

Opening the box:

• The toy has a slight odor to it.
• Much like the packaging, the toy is aesthetically pleasing and simply designed. It shouldn’t intimidate a new toy user or straight male. I like that the company used two basic colors and didn’t try to make the product look phallic.

Charging:

• Love that the wand is rechargeable. I much prefer that to battery-operated or plug-in toys.
• Very easy to charge.
• When the battery is low, the vibrations don’t dwindle down gradually. The toy just dies. That surprised me, especially since it happened while I was using it.

Using the toy:

• Incredibly easy to use and hold. I love how simple the one finger control dial is.
• The company’s claim that the toy is “deceptively powerful” is correct. This toy is great for clitoral stimulation!
• I wish the head was a little more angled so that it was easier to use when lying on my stomach.
• The box states that the toy is “quiet.” I wouldn’t say this is a loud toy, but I don’t consider it particularly quiet either. Every time I used it, there was a high-pitched buzzing sound when I first turned it on.

• For a straight couple’s use: I like the fact that I can keep the wand on low vibrations and place it on my partner’s perineum. (Other products like the Hitachi Magic Wand were too powerful for his liking.)

• For those women who can get desensitized by toys with powerful vibrations, I appreciate the fact that you can achieve orgasms with this wand, but that it’s not as desensitizing as the Hitachi Magic Wand.

• For new toy users, the different settings should help ensure that the toy isn’t overpowering. I’ve read reviews of the Hitachi Magic Wand in which women have found the high setting to be too much for them. The Body Wand’s highest setting is strong enough for an experienced toy user without being overwhelming to a newbie.

Other advantages:

• Portable. This toy is small enough to pack, but powerful to use.
• Cord-free: The Hitachi Magic Wand or comparable products that you have to plug into an outlet can be cumbersome. This wand isn’t.

I would recommend this toy to a friend and will continue to use it.

Note: The XGEN Body Wand Rechargeable retails for $80.99. There’s a plug-in version for $18 less, but if you can afford to pay more than $50 for a toy, it’s worth the added investment for the rechargeable product. There’s much more versatility when you don’t have to worry about a cord and electrical outlet.

I haven’t given a toy my full Five Squeals of Approval in a while, but the XGEN Body Wand deserves it!
This toy is great for couples, singles, new toy users and experienced toy aficionados! A win-Wand-win!

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received this product free of charge in exchange for my honest input.
 

“O” face

Let’s start the week off with a question from Formspring!

Question: My wife does not have an orgasm when I go down on her. She’s told me she likes it, but it only relaxes her. When I was dating, not like I had a line out the door, but I managed to tongue until “O” with the women I performed cunnilingus on. Thoughts?

Answer: Thanks for your question! It sounds like you truly care for your wife and her sexual health, which says a lot about your relationship. The fact that you’re already communicating about your sex lives openly also bodes well for getting down to the heart of the matter (slight pun intended).

If you can, try not to compare your wife to the women you dated before her. There will always be someone who did [fill in the blank] better or more, or someone with whom you had more or less sexual chemistry. Comparisons can often serve as a distraction from really working through an issue in your current relationship. Remember that unlike any other woman you dated in the past, this is your wife. You love each other enough to have made that level of commitment to each other so view this as but a miniscule bump in a long road together.

Since you’ve already opened the lines of communication with your wife, I would continue doing so at a time when you aren’t rushed and sex isn’t expected. I would also broach this topic gently with kind words and reassuring body language (holding her hand or putting your arm around her back, for example).

Have you asked her if she has achieved orgasm before? Not all women have. If she has reached orgasm from other activities before, has she been able to orgasm from oral alone? Have you asked her what, if anything, you can do to help her orgasm?

If she’s never reached orgasm by herself or with a partner, I would suggest buying her a small toy and encouraging her to spend some quality time with herself on her own. (My advice to women in search of their first orgasm is in this post.) Then, when she feels comfortable, you can join in on the fun.

If she can reach orgasm from oral sex, it’s worth finding out what works for her. Are either of you feeling rushed because of stress, other obligations or fatigue? If so, can you both make an effort to find a better time to be intimate with each other? Does she need a lot of foreplay before you focus on her clit? Does she need more fantasy or a certain romantic mood to be set? Do slow strokes or fast strokes work better for her? Does she like her pussy or ass to be simultaneously stimulated? If so, does she prefer a finger or two or a small toy? I’ve written posts about going down (or staying down, as I prefer to call it) on a woman before, and this one in particular might provide some helpful tips.

On the chance that your wife is unable to orgasm at all, gently guide her toward asking her gynecologist for a referral to a doctor that deals with sexual health issues. 16% of women suffer from vaginal pain conditions, and these conditions significantly limit their ability to enjoy sex. (I’m including oral sex in this category, although each woman is different.) Endometriosis can also make it difficult to reach orgasm. Or, there might be emotional issues that she’s dealing with or unable to process that require the assistance of a therapist.

Without knowing your home life, some women who are juggling careers and family have indicated to me that sex is the last thing on their minds. (I’ve had more than one reader comment that at the end of a long day, she just wants a little help with the children, a glass of wine and a bubble bath.) If it’s been tough for you both to prioritize yourselves as a couple, take some time to do that. Check out my tips to reconnecting with your partner.

Whatever happens, good luck to you and your wife and please keep me posted.

Okay, readers, did I miss anything?

Have a relationship, adult toy or sex question for me? Ask me anything on Formspring like this reader did! xoxo

A huge up and a bit of a down

Words can’t do justice to how elated I felt when I received the call from Sibley Hospital that my biopsy was benign! I don’t have breast cancer! I don’t have to go through this all again! All is calm on the breastern front!

A day after that call, I started taking a new cancer medication. This non-chemotherapy pill has been proven to lower the chance of estrogen-positive breast cancer returning. (For those who aren’t familiar with what estrogen-positive breast cancer is or are unaware of my horrid experience with the first medication I tried, click here.)

I had polled several of my doctors about trying a second drug that’s designed to block the estrogen in my body. Most of them agreed that it wouldn’t be a good idea, given my other health issues and how badly I reacted to tamoxifen, the first drug. My head oncologist implored me, though:

This medication [fareston] is metabolized in the body differently. I have a group of patients that can’t take tamoxifen and tolerate this well. These drugs are as important as chemotherapy in preventing a recurrence.

Me: I think you should know by now that I’m not most patients. [Pause.] I’ll try it out of spite. [He looks at me with wide eyes.] I’m guessing that I’ll last three to seven days on this drug before the side effects are too severe. I’d love if you’re right, though.

My doctor then began to examine me, as I continued:

I wish you could actually bet money with your patients because I would so be winning this bet! [He doesn’t say anything, but stares at me with a scared expression on his face.]

So, how did my body respond to fareston?

On only two doses of half of a pill, I noticed that I was really, really tired. I had trouble keeping my eyes open during the day, and I slept very deeply at night. No matter how much I slept, I didn’t look rested. It reminded me of taking Nyquil.

I thought about five years like that, and I had decided that if excessive fatigue was the only side effect, I would find a way to deal with it. The benefits outweighed the risks. Maybe the doctor was right about this drug after all?

On the third day, I felt a fair amount of pain in my low back, and my vision was slightly distorted like I had a few cocktails. My mood would also go from pleasant to volatile in one second flat! (Thankfully, I don’t believe that any of the tourists or other drivers heard me screaming at them from my car!)

By the fourth day, I was dizzy, nauseous and vomiting. When that persisted for more than 24 hours, I called my oncologist to let him know that I had seven of the side effects about which you’re supposed to immediately tell your doctor. The head nurse returned my call.

Head Nurse: Stop the drug.

Me: Thank you.

Head Nurse: The doctor told me that he wants you to try it again in a couple of weeks, but I told him that I bet you’re done with this.

Me [chuckling]: You know me well!

Head Nurse: I reminded him that your other health conditions might explain why you’re reacting the way you are.

Me: Probably! My other doctors and I are in agreement with you. I’m not spending the next five years feeling like this.

I tried. And, even without the drug in my system, I’m still tired, dizzy and getting sick. I’ve been making an effort to go out for charity events and to socialize, but everyone is saying how I look “off,” “exhausted,” and like I’m fighting “a bad cold.”

Within a few weeks, though, those problems should abate.

So, after the fareston is out of my system, what’s left?

  • Three more IVs between now and September 14th;
  • Getting the medical port taken out; and
  • Celebrating with you!

We’re long overdue for a blog party, don’t you think?

Transitioning from friends to…

With the opening of Friends With Benefits, it seemed only fitting to answer this question from a reader via Formspring:

How do you transition from friendship to more than that ;)? I’m friends with this boy, and I don’t know how to try and change the vibe because I'd like to be more than friends. Any tips?

Based on how you phrased the question, I'm assuming that you're interested in dating your friend, rather than just something physical. Have you thought about:

  • How much you rely on this guy as a friend?
  • If you lost the friendship completely or it became awkward to be around him, is that worth the risk of trying to transition to more than friends?
  • What’s the best possible outcome in the short or long term? What’s the worst?

There’s no right or wrong answer to those questions, but you need to be prepared as best as you can for all possible options. Is the chance to be with this guy worth the risk of losing him in your life completely?

If the benefits outweigh the risks or it’s becoming difficult to hide your feelings, then think about what he’s said about relationships and figure out how you can change up your normal routine. Some ideas and questions to consider:

1. Is he open to being in a relationship right now? Does he talk to you about other girls or what he is looking for? Is he hung up on an ex? Has it always been just platonic between you two or was there ever any flirtation?

Answering those questions might help you figure out how best to proceed. If he’s still getting over an ex-girlfriend, I might wait to broach the subject. If there was a time when he was flirtatious with you, then I might be more inclined to let him know how you feel.

2. How do you two normally interact? Try to change your routine in a manner that makes it more conducive for the relationship to naturally evolve into something as more than friends.

If you’re used to just working out together or watching DVDs, what if you suggest getting dinner one evening at a quiet restaurant? If you typically socialize with friends at a bar or lounge, what if you offer to cook for him at your place?

If you two interact one or twice in a different mode, does he seem more inclined to go down the dating path? If so, then I might wait to say something for a little bit. If not, then it might be worth proceeding to #3 and actually saying something to him.

3.Talk to him. It’s not always easy to share your feelings with someone, but you’ll never know how he feels unless you do so. On an evening when you aren’t drunk, rushed or around other people, tell him in your own words:

Your friendship is really important to me. But, lately, I’ve started to wonder what it would be like to be more than friends. Have you ever thought about that, too?

Think about how you’ll respond if he says “yes” or “no.” Can you still be friends with him if he doesn’t want to date you? If he’s interested in being more than friends with you, what do you hope for next? If he seems completely caught off guard, let him know that you can talk about this another time because it's not urgent. (It might feel pressing at the time, but it really isn't.) Likewise, if the conversation becomes awkward, you can let him know that you don't need to figure this all out at once and then change the topic. If the guy is interested in more, he'll make a move or bring it up at a later time.

Regardless of the outcome, be proud of yourself for being honest and going after what you want!

Thanks for the great question and let me know how it goes! xoxo

So, readers, did I miss anything?
 

What I’m looking for in a partner

A year ago this week, I met Mr. Agency. A few days later, we grabbed drinks together. A year ago this week, Best Boy spent the night at my place for the first time ever and told me:

You’ve gotten in my head.

As July turned to August, I had two minor surgeries to remove the two cancerous areas in my right breast. That same week, I began sleeping with Best Boy and snuggling with Mr. Agency. A month later, I started having sex with Mr. Agency.

As I look back on the past year, cancer has taken center stage in my life. Treatment came first, and I placed everything and everyone else on the back burner. I've tried to convey that as best as I could on this blog, but at its core, this site is about dating, sex and relationships, not cancer. Ninety percent of the time the boys in my life were welcome diversions and provided a little help when I needed both of those things.

Upon the end of radiation, I started to think about the next stage of my life and what I wanted for myself personally and professionally. I’ll talk more about what’s next for me professionally in a subsequent post, but I’ll focus on the guys in this one.

Raise your hand if you’re tired of reading about Best Boy and Mr. Agency.

You can put your hand down now.

Who's in the lead? Who cares?

See, I got to the point where I was tired of them, too. During surgery and chemotherapy, Best Boy was the one guy that I could count on completely. And, then during radiation, that changed. I'm the first to admit that our story might have had a different ending if I hadn't chosen Mr. Exec, Mr. Agency and Philly Matt over him. What if I had realized what a great, caring guy Best Boy was sooner than I did? I wonder…

At the end of the day, though, Best Boy wants to focus on his career and move overseas. I want to stay in DC and have a family. Neither path is wrong, but those paths are mutually exclusive.

Mr. Agency and I fed off of our sexual chemistry for a while, and then we would get in a fight…until we made up and had sex again…and got in a fight again. Did we reconnect again? Of course. But, our interest in and expectations from each other had changed so our interactions have been calm.

Where does that leave me a year later?

Well, I’m friends with both of them. They’re not bad guys. (In fact, Mr. Agency and I actually talk more now than when we were sleeping together.) They’re just not the right guys for me at this stage.

For the overwhelming majority of my life, I’ve chosen passion over partnership. I was the girl who loved to date self-absorbed workaholics and craved the rush of never knowing what would happen next. But, I’m not the same girl I was a year ago. And, that’s a good thing. A very good thing!

I’ve thankfully had more passion than most people will have in a lifetime. Now, I’ve realized that I’d rather have the right partner or be unattached than be in an ambiguous or predominately sexual relationship.

“How do you define the right partner, City Girl?” you might be wondering.

I’m looking for a man who:

  • Values his health and the health of his loved ones;
  • Enjoys sports, dining out, helping others and relaxing in front of the television;
  • Believes in some higher power;
  • Is emotionally secure enough to lean on me and communicate with me;
  • Inspires me;
  • Prioritizes sexual health. (There still needs to be some level of attraction and chemistry here, people);
  • Is professionally stable and not interested in moving in the near future;
  • Gets certain things without me asking him. (I'm fine with folding his laundry or putting the toilet seat down. I'm not fine with having to ask a guy to take time off of work when I'm in the hospital or to get me ginger ale or walk my dog when I'm sick); and
  • Wants to be a father within the next four years and won’t be the kind of guy who expects extra points or kudos on Facebook for staying home alone with his kid(s) or taking his child to the pediatrician.

I don’t NEED a partner, but I’m truly open for the first time in a long while to having one.

Bang and roll

At some points during my six weeks of radiation treatments, I wasn’t in a lot of pain and actually enjoyed being at the Cancer Center at Sibley Hospital. On my best days, the head radiation technician would play her latest hip-hop mix as we would catch up on the day’s events, and another technician and I would do the moonwalk or running man down the hall.

I had hoped that my last radiation treatment would have been my most celebratory day in the Cancer Center, but that wasn’t the case. I had a substitute radiation technician, and she unfortunately hadn’t been relayed some necessary information about how to treat me. I went into the treatment room with a huge smile on my face, and I left dry-heaving, crying from the pain and cursing like a sailor.

An hour later, I still felt sick, but I didn’t want to cancel dinner with my friends to celebrate the end of treatment. I sent Best Boy a text letting him know where we would be meeting in case he wanted to join us for a drink or dessert.

Best Boy: I have my class tomorrow in Richmond so I’ll let you know.

Me: Umm…as in you’ll let me know if you can make it for a drink or you’ll let me know if you can come over after?

Best Boy: I won’t be able to do drinks because I have a meeting and then I have to be at a networking event. I’ll let you know about after.

Now, I knew what networking event he was referring to, as these regular get-togethers are open to all people in the DC area on Facebook. I appreciate that Best Boy might have planned to meet colleagues at the event, but this was far from a once-in-a-lifetime networking opportunity. I decided to just be honest with him since I didn’t want there to be any confusion about my thoughts.

Me: I get that work is your priority right now, but seeing you tonight to celebrate the end of treatment is very important to me.

Best Boy: K. I’ll do my best.

I had a nice dinner with my friends at Notti Bianche and then we headed back to my apartment. My friends left at around 11pm, at which point I got ready for bed and walked my dog. At midnight, I was just getting into bed when my phone rang. It was Best Boy.

Best Boy: Are you still out?

Me: No. I’m back at my place.

Best Boy: I just finished up and was heading your way.

Me: Okay.

Best Boy: I have my class early in the morning.

Me: Yeah, I know.

Best Boy: I don’t have another suit so I need to go home before I head to Richmond.

Me: Okay.

Best Boy: So, I can’t stay long.

Me [pausing as I register what he’s saying]: So, you’re just coming over for an hour or two?

Best Boy: Yeah, since I need to be up early tomorrow.

Me: Umm…I’ll pass then. Thanks, though.

Best Boy: Huh? I’m confused.

Me: I really don’t care to just have you come over for a bang and roll. You never come over here without spending the night. Even when we were just friends and didn’t have sex, you would spend the night! I’m not about to have that change on my last night of radiation.

Best Boy: I’ve never viewed you as something casual. You know that. I wish I didn’t have to get up early tomorrow, and I tried to get out of the event as quickly as I could tonight.

I didn’t ask him about specifics since I knew the event had officially ended two hours prior.

Me: You were the one who said that Wednesday was the best night for you to get together this week. And, once you picked Wednesday, I told you why that night was important to me. If you couldn’t do it, you should’ve told me sooner. I would have asked one of my girls to stay over, but everyone left an hour ago. I had a really long day and didn’t want to spend the night by myself.

Best Boy [pausing]: I’m sorry it didn’t work out. [Pause.] What are you doing Friday?

Me: I’m in New York.

Best Boy: When are you leaving? Maybe we could get together during the daytime?

Me: 10am so that won’t work. [Pause.] I really wanted to see you tonight.

Best Boy: I did, too. That’s why I wish you would let me come over.

Me: It wouldn’t be enough. Not for a night like tonight. I’m only doing this once so this is it for me celebrating the end of radiation. Get home safely, and I’ll see you when I’m back from New York.

I had never shed more than a few tears over Best Boy. Ever. But, that night, after the day that I had, I cried for ten minutes straight.

I was so exhausted that I fell asleep almost immediately after my head touched the pillow. I didn’t give much thought to whether I would see Best Boy upon my return. I could figure that out when I was back from my trip.

The Breastern Front

I’m so close to being finished with treatment that I can taste it.

My last IV is scheduled for September 14, 2011. I can get my mediport (the small, implanted device through which I receive medications) removed later that week. And, then, I’m done.

DONE.

Hopefully.

For the past month, I’ve had this feeling that something was off. I hadn’t felt any lumps, and both of my oncologists said that my Clinical Breast Exams were clear. I wondered if I was experiencing some anxiety or depression, as happens with 30% of breast cancer survivors out of fear that the cancer will return. Yet, that’s not normally how I react to health issues.

The last time I had this feeling was spring 2010 when I thought I had cancer. (And, we all know how that turned out.)

I haven’t written or told anyone that I sensed that there was a problem in Tata-ville because it just comes off as unnecessarily negative. I knew that I had a mammogram scheduled so I tried to remind myself that I didn’t need to stress about a concern that didn’t exist!

Yesterday, I had my mammogram. The technician took four films of my two breasts, and then I was sent to a small waiting room. (One of the many reasons I love Sibley Hospital is that they give you the results before you leave the Center. Most places send you home, and then you receive a letter or call to let you know whether the films look good or there’s an area of concern.)

The first woman in the waiting room received notification that all was quiet on the breastern front. She was free to go. One of the technicians then opened the door and signaled for me to come back inside.

Me [smiling with a slight laugh]: No! I know what that means!

Tech: You’re fine.

Me: I’m fine then?

Tech: Well, the doctor just wants more films.

Me: Exactly. I want to go out the ‘Exit’ door. Not in for more! [We laugh.]

In total, I was brought back into the mammography room four separate times so that my left breast could be photographed eight different ways.

My left breast.

For those of you who don’t remember, I had cancer in my right breast. If anything is abnormal in my left breast, this would be deemed an unrelated problem to what I’ve gone through over the past 13 months.

When the doctor finally came out to speak with me, she said:

You have enough calcifications in there to feed a small army. [We laugh.] Wait…is it okay that I said that?

Me: Definitely. I know that there’s a lot of mass there.

Doctor: Well, I can see an area of abnormal calcifications in the left breast that wasn’t there last year. I don’t want to put you through anything if it can be avoided, but I think that we should do a biopsy.

Me: I figured after the second time that I was brought back.

80% of all biopsies are benign or non-cancerous. Over the years, I’ve had 11 biopsies and only two of them came back positive. This is probably nothing.

I’m not sad or mad, but I feel numb.

I don’t want to deal with this again.

I want to be planning my party to celebrate the end of treatment, not contemplating:

What if?

I’m tired of my breasts looking like a patchwork quilt.

I want life to go back to normal.

My biopsy is scheduled for Monday, and I should have results a week from today.

It’s going to be benign. It’s going to be benign. It better fucking be benign.
 

Radiation boobs

Radiation therapy may be used during cancer treatment to shrink the tumor and kill the bad cells. In some cases (like mine), radiation has been shown to reduce the rate of the cancer returning or spreading.

When I went for my consultation with my radiation oncologist, I received a packet of information with guidelines. For seven weeks, I couldn't use my normal deodorant because it contains aluminum. (Thankfully, this doctor allowed me to use Tom's of Maine, but I heard that some oncologists ban even natural products.) I couldn't take any antioxident vitamins because they might interfere with the effectiveness of radiation. And, I couldn't wear normal bras because underwires and satin or microfiber might exacerbate the side effects from radiation. (Radiation can cause rashes, pain, redness and burns.) My large tatas were not meant to be smashed into a cotton sports bra for weeks on end, but I didn't have a choice.

Prior to surgery and treatment, my right breast was ever so slightly smaller than the left breast. The two cancerous areas were in the right breast so when the surgeon removed the bad cells, the right breast became even smaller. Then, I injured my right breast by having sex too soon without a bra after surgery. (In case you're wondering, that's not my fault! The doctors didn't say that would be a problem!) That caused an increase in swelling, bleeding and scar tissue.

Radiation hardens tissues so after receiving 30 radiation treatments on the one breast, my right boob looks like I got a breast lift. The right boob is all high and perky, and to paraphrase Flo Rida, my left boob is hanging low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low. That's not hot, and I want my practically perfect tits back!

The doctor also advised me to apply a homeopathic ointment, Calendula, to my right breast three times a day to decrease burns and irritation. The ointment is clear and doesn't have a strong odor, but it's not intended to be ingested.

  

“Umm…why would anyone be ingesting your anti-burn cream, City Girl?” you might be wondering.

Well, in my interactions with both Mr. Agency and Best Boy during the months of February and March, they both inevitably went for the right boob first during foreplay or sex. I didn't want to break the mood by saying:

No! You can't do that! I have anti-burn ointment on my radiated, formerly cancerous tit!

So, instead, I would shove my left tit in their face. I felt like a nursing mother! (Again, that's not sexy.) Lucky for me, the guys just wanted some titty play and were content with whichever boob was there. I continued to play the boob shoving game in the guys' faces until I was done using Calendula.

I'm happy to report that thanks to Sibley Hospital's use of prone position radiation (lying on my stomach instead of my back), I didn't get any burns or residual skin irritation. And, I no longer have to shove a boob in a guy's face. Or, rather, I'm no longer limited to only shoving one boob in his face ;).

  

Image by NatalieDee.com.

PS As I think about my partners over the years, all of them have gone for the right boob first. Has anyone else encountered or done the same thing?