“O” face

Let’s start the week off with a question from Formspring!

Question: My wife does not have an orgasm when I go down on her. She’s told me she likes it, but it only relaxes her. When I was dating, not like I had a line out the door, but I managed to tongue until “O” with the women I performed cunnilingus on. Thoughts?

Answer: Thanks for your question! It sounds like you truly care for your wife and her sexual health, which says a lot about your relationship. The fact that you’re already communicating about your sex lives openly also bodes well for getting down to the heart of the matter (slight pun intended).

If you can, try not to compare your wife to the women you dated before her. There will always be someone who did [fill in the blank] better or more, or someone with whom you had more or less sexual chemistry. Comparisons can often serve as a distraction from really working through an issue in your current relationship. Remember that unlike any other woman you dated in the past, this is your wife. You love each other enough to have made that level of commitment to each other so view this as but a miniscule bump in a long road together.

Since you’ve already opened the lines of communication with your wife, I would continue doing so at a time when you aren’t rushed and sex isn’t expected. I would also broach this topic gently with kind words and reassuring body language (holding her hand or putting your arm around her back, for example).

Have you asked her if she has achieved orgasm before? Not all women have. If she has reached orgasm from other activities before, has she been able to orgasm from oral alone? Have you asked her what, if anything, you can do to help her orgasm?

If she’s never reached orgasm by herself or with a partner, I would suggest buying her a small toy and encouraging her to spend some quality time with herself on her own. (My advice to women in search of their first orgasm is in this post.) Then, when she feels comfortable, you can join in on the fun.

If she can reach orgasm from oral sex, it’s worth finding out what works for her. Are either of you feeling rushed because of stress, other obligations or fatigue? If so, can you both make an effort to find a better time to be intimate with each other? Does she need a lot of foreplay before you focus on her clit? Does she need more fantasy or a certain romantic mood to be set? Do slow strokes or fast strokes work better for her? Does she like her pussy or ass to be simultaneously stimulated? If so, does she prefer a finger or two or a small toy? I’ve written posts about going down (or staying down, as I prefer to call it) on a woman before, and this one in particular might provide some helpful tips.

On the chance that your wife is unable to orgasm at all, gently guide her toward asking her gynecologist for a referral to a doctor that deals with sexual health issues. 16% of women suffer from vaginal pain conditions, and these conditions significantly limit their ability to enjoy sex. (I’m including oral sex in this category, although each woman is different.) Endometriosis can also make it difficult to reach orgasm. Or, there might be emotional issues that she’s dealing with or unable to process that require the assistance of a therapist.

Without knowing your home life, some women who are juggling careers and family have indicated to me that sex is the last thing on their minds. (I’ve had more than one reader comment that at the end of a long day, she just wants a little help with the children, a glass of wine and a bubble bath.) If it’s been tough for you both to prioritize yourselves as a couple, take some time to do that. Check out my tips to reconnecting with your partner.

Whatever happens, good luck to you and your wife and please keep me posted.

Okay, readers, did I miss anything?

Have a relationship, adult toy or sex question for me? Ask me anything on Formspring like this reader did! xoxo

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