Giveaway — Attracting Your Extraordinary Love

Many of us have been focusing on what we can change about ourselves to appeal to our future soulmates. Maybe it's my hair color? Perhaps I need to lose a couple pounds? No, no. Wait. It's definitely my job. No man wants a wife who does what I do. Well, ladies. After reading Attracting Your Extraordinary Love, by Ricky Cohen, I can tell you that's wrong.

Cultivated with ancient wisdom that has been proven time and time again, this book stresses the importance of finding you, before you can find him. By being true to who you are, you will attract like minded people. And, most importantly, the like-minded person. It's a quick book at a great price. It may be small in size, but it is huge in impact. Give it a shot and see what thousands have been raving about.
 
 
I wasn't planning on reading this book, but after reading the above synopsis from the publishing company, I just might! I love any author that focuses on the need for everyone to be his or her authentic self. As cliche as the expression is, there is much truth to the fact that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.
 
One lucky winner will receive a hard or e-copy of Attracting Your Extraordinary Love. All you have to do to enter the drawing is include the following in your comment: I'd love that book! Winner will be chosen randomly on December 9th at noon.
 
* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, a copy of this book will be provided to my reader free of charge.

Losing it!

Okay, so I’m a virgin. I want to wait until I’m married to have sex. When I do it for the first time, will it really hurt? And, will there be blood? How long does it take for there to be no pain after the first time?

Thanks for your question via Formspring. Most women who are contemplating losing their virginity wonder the exact same things.

I admire your resolve in deciding to wait until you’re married, especially given the pressures that society and peers place on having sex at younger ages. Since sex can change and complicate a relationship, it's preferable to wait until you're in a committed relationship to have sex for the first time. Whether you are male or female, remember that you never need to have sex if you don’t want to and aren’t sure you’re 100% ready.

Whether or not having sex for the first time will hurt depends on several factors:

  • How large is the guy, and how small are you? (It's worth noting, although you can't change biology.)
  • How wet are you naturally? (If you aren’t, make sure you have some lubrication on hand.)
  • How much foreplay is involved? I recommend having your man place one or two fingers on your clit or giving you oral before he goes inside you. If he can do either for at least 20 minutes to ensure that your muscles are fully relaxed and allow you to orgasm, that should help once you have vaginal sex.
  • Can you work your way up to losing your virginity? (I’m not sure if you’re waiting until you are married for any physical contact below the belt. If not, is it possible to do other activities so that there will be less discomfort?)
  • How much communication will there be between you and your partner? Do you feel comfortable telling your partner to stop or go slower? Will your partner ask you how it’s feeling? As is a recurring theme in my posts, communication is key!
  • Will you be using birth control, and if there's a prior sexual history on his part, has he been tested for STIs and HIV? These issues need to be discussed beforehand. For those of you who are having sex and aren't in a committed relationship, make sure that you have a lubricated latex condom available.
  • Will your partner be patient? It’s better to go slow at first to minimize any discomfort. He needs to be aware of this, too.

For some, losing their virginity is painful. For others, it’s not uncomfortable at all. A woman may bleed a small amount, but that is typically due to force and lack of lubrication. If you bleed outside of your period for more than a few days or in an abnormal amount, you should call your gynecologist immediately.

Whenever you decide that it’s the right time for you, know that the act might not be as blissful and orgasmic as a romance novel implies. However, if you wait for the right person, you can guarantee that it will be special. And, much like anything else, practice will definitely make perfect!

So, readers, was your first time awkward or painful? What tips would you have for this reader?

You look great!

The following comment was so thought provoking that I thought I’d turn it into a post:

There's one topic that always makes me nervous when I'm visiting friends who are sick at home or in the hospital. How do you address how they look? I don’t mean how they look superficially. I mean how do you address the fact that they look like death warmed over? Do you lie and say, “Hey, you look great?” Or do you just not say anything about that at all?

I ran into this recently. A friend of mine had surgery over the summer. I called her to see if she wanted a visitor at the hospital and she said she did. Now, I knew she wouldn’t look her best but she looked worst that I had mentally planned for. I tried to keep a neutral face (tried not to look like “OMG!”) and just didn’t talk about how awful she looked.

What would you say is the best way to address a situation like that? I’m sure there were days during your treatment when you looked more like death-warmed-over than the beautiful woman you are. What were things that your friends said that you appreciated, and what were the things they said that you could have done without?

***

When you’re fighting an illness, you know that you’re not at your peak. Medications, surgeries and treatment can alter your skin tone, your weight, your sleep schedule, your energy level and your hair. Most of the time, you won’t care. But, that doesn’t mean that you don’t realize what has transpired.

I think that some people feel as though they need to comment about the patient’s appearance. If you say that a person who has been dealing with a health issue looks great, then maybe he or she will feel better or forget how he or she looks.

Is that well intentioned? Of course.

Is that necessary? No.

Whether or not we’re battling an illness, we all have days in which we look and feel our best and days in which we don’t. The overwhelming majority of adults know not to throw salt in the wound. We don’t want to be told that we don’t look our best so why would we tell anyone else that they’re having a bad hair day or that they’ve gained a few pounds?

I’m of the mindset that there’s no need to state the obvious. Likewise, there’s no need to sugarcoat it or fake it.

Hearing that I look good or look beautiful when I’m sick makes me cringe. I know that my friends are saying that: 1) because they care; and 2) to make themselves feel better. But, it takes a lot of effort to just reply with a “Thank you.”

If you feel like you need to say something positive to a patient, is there something else that you can focus on? Maybe you could compliment something in his or her room (flowers, stuffed animal, blanket, etc.), the care that a nurse or loved one is providing, a piece of jewelry or nail polish color (for a female), his or her glasses, or his or her sense of humor? Or, you could give him or her credit for even being awake during a visit?

Your comment also brings up a second issue:

How do you keep your poker face when a loved one doesn’t look good?

I think it helps to have as much information as possible before you visit a loved one battling or recouping from an illness. Will he or she have a lot of tubes or drains in? Is he or she conscious? How serious is the illness? The more background that you have beforehand, the easier it might be to process. If you know others who have already visited the patient, check with them to see how he or she is doing. Try to prepare yourself as much as you can.

I also always recommend checking with the patient before you visit him or her. Just because there are visiting hours or the person is recuperating at home doesn’t mean that he or she is up for visitors – physically or emotionally.

The goal during a visit is to provide comfort for the patient, not to make yourself feel more comfortable. Can you bring the patient something (food, drink, card, flowers, etc.) that he or she wants or would like? Does the patient need a ride to treatment or help with a child or pet?

If you’re too emotional to visit, then wait for a time when you won’t be. If you feel emotional during the visit, try to control your tears and fears until after you leave. Then take the time that you need to process the fact that someone you care about isn’t doing well. Talk to a loved one, journal, attend a support group for caregivers, or do anything else that you might need to prioritize your own self-care.

What have your experiences been as either the patient or the loved one? What recommendations would you have for the reader?

The Rules of Juggling

“Do you tell all the guys you see that you're dating around, or is it just assumed that everyone does it? If someone is seeing you exclusively, do you ever feel bad about not reciprocating? I'm trying to figure my own stuff out, so I'm comparing notes.”

When I received that question in my Formspring inbox, I smiled to myself. I can wax poetic about anal sex, what to do if you’ve found a lump in your breast, or what constitutes a body-friendly sex toy. But, when it comes to juggling more than one guy, I wouldn’t regard myself as an expert in that arena by any stretch of the imagination. In this regard, I have tried, but I have rarely succeeded.

I have tried to operate under a certain code of norms when I’m dating more than one person:

1. Be honest without being forthcoming. I don’t lie when asked about others I might be dating or having sex with, but I don’t offer up information about my dating life voluntarily;

2. Steer away from comparisons. If you’re dating two guys, there will always be one guy with whom you have more in common, one guy with whom there is more passion, one guy who you see more regularly, etc. I don’t compare one guy to the other, but rather, I accept each guy for what he brings to my life;

3. Respect the parameters of the relationship. If I say I’m sexually exclusive, I am. If I’m in a committed relationship, I am. If I’m not allowed to date or kiss other people, I don’t. Period; and

4. Safety first. If I’m not in a sexually monogamous relationship, I need to be using condoms. That need increases exponentially with each partner.

I do think there are a few other variables to dating more than one person:

1. If you’re not in an exclusive relationship, it is assumed that you’re dating other people. However, a double standard still exists. It is more socially acceptable for a guy to be sleeping with more than one person than a woman. I wish that wasn’t the case, but past partners have gotten upset with me when I was engaging in the exact same behavior as they were.

2. If one person wants more from the other person, then he or she should initiate that conversation sooner, rather than later. Dating more than one person can get even more complicated when one party is content with that arrangement in the long term, and the other is looking for a serious and exclusive relationship. Are you and the guys that you’re dating on the same page in terms of what you’re doing in the present and what you’re looking for in the future? If not, that could be a problem regardless of how many people you're dating.

3. Are all parties involved being honest with each other? There needs to be a certain level of trust, communication and respect here. If you decide to be sexually exclusive with one man, is he respecting that arrangement, too? If you both are dating other people, are you both equally as concerned about safe sex? If you think something feels off with your arrangement, trust your instinct.

4. Emotions can often trump rational thought. My polyamorous friends are able to be in serious relationships with a long-term partner, while dating others. They’re honest and open about their wants and needs, and they don’t get jealous when their partners go out with others. In fact, it’s encouraged and supported! I admire how they can approach their relationships in such a levelheaded manner, although I know that I wouldn't be comfortable with that type of arrangement.

So, what advice do you have for the reader who asked the question? Are there rules or norms that apply that you don’t think I covered?
 

Summer Session

I picked when I’m teaching next summer based upon when I might need to get a double mastectomy.

That’s one of those sentences that I never imagined typing.

Getting over cancer isn’t like getting over a cold. It’s unfortunately not that simple.

I pride myself on my ability to keep stress about “What ifs?” to a minimum. Life is filled with unknowns, and I’m not about to limit what makes me happy in the present because of a distant possibility in the future.

My health situation doesn’t fit neatly in that box, though.

The nurses suggested that I keep my medi-port in for at least a year.

My breast surgeon said that I’m a strong candidate for a double mastectomy given my health history, my mother’s health history and the fact that I can’t tolerate hormonal therapy. Getting a preventative mastectomy in the non-cancerous left breast would reduce my risk of breast cancer to 5%. Getting a mastectomy in the right breast where there was cancer would reduce my risk in half to somewhere between 10-15% of recurrence within five years.

From a cosmetic perspective, the breast surgeon noted that my breast were saggy. (Hey, big naturals aren't known for being perky.)

The breast surgeon recommended that we talk about mastectomies next year.

The subtext of the surgeon and nurses’ comments:

Let’s wait a year to see if your cancer returns or not.

I don’t like to assume what people are saying without asking them directly. When I inquired with my breast surgeon if that was where she was coming from, she nodded.

Me: You realize that you and the oncologist's office are on the same page, but everyone is assuming that I would do chemo again if this returns. I can't say that definitively. [My surgeon looks at me with wide eyes.] We'll cross that bridge if — God forbid — we need to.

I’m not about to approach my life any differently than I have in the past. (Well, at least with respect to my health…) Aside from my biopsy in July, I don't allow myself to give much energy to the thought that my cancer will return.

However, I do need to be cognizant of the fact that there is a strong chance that I’ll need several surgeries next year. I’d rather teach my class early in the summer and then have the flexibility to deal with this issue in July and August.

There’s a fine line between not stressing about “What ifs?” and being prepared for the “What is likely to be.” I’m straddling that line like it is a pommel horse. I try to allow myself a few minutes to feel angry, sad and confused, and then I let it go until the next time those feelings hit.

The next time you meet someone who has beat cancer, you might consider asking how he or she is really doing. Until that person has reached the five-year cancer free mark, the answer might surprise you.

Are you making any plans now for 2012? What things do you expect to occur in the coming year?

The Anal-Loving Joneses

You don’t do anal sex?!? All the girls do it now.

— Statement made to a recently divorced woman from a guy she had started dating

When a friend of that woman relayed that comment to me, I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

Me: I hope she responded that ‘All guys aren’t going down on women for less than two hours at a time these days.’

My friend and I laughed, as we speculated as to why a guy would say that to a woman.

Male Friend: He’s just trying to test her boundaries.

Me: He’s trying to prey on her insecurities since she hasn’t dated in a while. It reminds me of those guys in college who would try to pressure a girl into bringing another woman into the bedroom by saying that all girls secretly fantasize about being with another woman.

Male Friend: What’s your website again? I need to send her your way. [I smile and pass him my card.]

There are certain dating rules – spoken and unspoken – that come to mind with this situation:

1. A woman never has to do anything that she doesn’t want to;

2. A woman never has to do anything that she doesn’t want to. (It’s like Fight Club. Some rules bear repeating);

3. There are quite a few guys who are just trying to get a woman into bed. (Does that apply to all men? Of course not. But, there are enough guys of this mindset that it’s worth mentioning);

4. Some guys will try to test women’s boundaries sexually and with respect to dating etiquette. (If a guy can just go over to have sex with a woman without taking her out on dates or giving her advance notice, he will do that);

5. Some women are okay with just having casual sex with men, but that’s not the norm for the majority of females; and

6. Some people are interested in trying anal sex and some aren’t. Some people love it, and some don’t. For those who are interested in trying it out, trust and communication are integral to the safety and pleasure of the act. Click here for my Anal 101 post.

No one – male or female – should engage in any sexual activity because others are doing so. That applies to freshman in college who are wondering if they are the only virgins on campus. (They aren’t.) That applies to a guy who wants to wait to have sex until he gets to know a girl, despite the fact that his buddies are all saying he should ‘seal the deal.’ (He shouldn’t, until he and the girl are ready.) And, that applies to anyone who is getting back into the dating scene and isn’t sure what he or she feels comfortable doing. If you aren't 100% sure about moving forward physically or emotionally, then you shouldn't do so. If a person won’t wait for you, then he or she isn’t the right fit as a sexual or long-term partner.

For the woman who received the comment that instigated this post:

A 2010 survey of 5,200+ people ages 14 to 70 found that 32% of women have had anal sex and 31.8% of heterosexual men have had anal sex during their lifetime. If you need more statistics, additional information is available here.

Your date is wrong on so many levels, and he was disrespectful to make you feel like you had to keep up with the Anal-Loving Joneses. If you continue to date him, make sure that he’s treating you well and not pressuring you in any way.

So, readers, did I miss anything? What are your thoughts on this issue?

Giveaway: Does He Cheat?

I'm not one who spends time pontificating over whether or not a guy is a cheater. I try to believe the best in people — men and women — and assume that people are being honest with me until I find evidence to the contrary. If that makes me naive at times, then I accept that. Disingenuous people will eventually show their true colors, and I'm rarely one to waste time and energy on a "What if?" I also view cheating as a symptom and not the problem itself.

Nonetheless, I do appreciate that many women are fascinated by the male mind. When the publicist for the authors of Does He Cheat? approached me about a giveaway for my readers, I said, "Sure!" (I'm never going to turn down free stuff for you all!)

Self-proclaimed Recovering Cheater™ Sterling Anderson and writing partner Stephanie Dart have collected and dissected 50 cheating men for the eye-opening book “Does He Cheat? Confessions from Men: 50 Signs Your Partner May Be Cheating.”  Written from the male perspective, the book is crammed with numerous ways cheaters manipulate and deceive their naive partners. To help empower women in their relationships, “Does He Cheat?” provides readers with firm recommendations to counteract against a cheater’s game.

Five signs your partner may be cheating, from the Does He Cheat? book:

 #3     A Make-over: “When I met a younger woman, I had to drop 10 lbs and 10 years.”

ADVICE TO YOU: Start looking younger and better yourself: dye your hair, hit the gym, take scuba diving classes. Get young and happy yourself. If he doesn't like the new, better you, someone else will.

#27    No Sex: “I don’t want sex” means, “I don’t want sex with you.”

ADVICE TO YOU: If sex stops, start it up again.  When you don't use it, you lose it—or him.

#45    Thai, Swedish, Japanese Massages: “Any action from a pro, like a rub-and-tug, isn’t cheating.”

ADVICE TO YOU: Find a masseuse for the both of you. There are many legitimate, professional massage therapists that will even come to your house.

#41   Online Dating: "Who doesn’t like fishing in a barrel full of fish?”

ADVICE TO YOU: If you are now involved with a man you met online, ask him if he has canceled his subscription. If unconvinced, check around other dating sites. Most of these men are too lazy to change their user names.

So, readers, what signs have you noticed that are good indicators about whether a man or a woman is cheating?

If you'd like to win a copy of Does He Cheat? (in hard copy or Kindle version), include the words, "I'd like to win a copy," in your comment.

All entries must be received on this blog or Facebook by 11:00pm on Tuesday, November 8th. Thanks!

Visiting the breast surgeon

I am girly-girl in all the traditional interpretations of that stereotype. My love of pink has carried over throughout the decades. (The owner of Nido, a Georgetown boutique, has commented that she can't look at a pink purse without thinking of me.)

I don't know how I feel about people sporting pink in October in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, though. What message does that color send to women about their gender and sexual identity? Does all that pink really translate into people taking more responsibility for their own health? Where does the money that is raised from the sale of pink ribbons and other similar items go to? There have been so many advancements in breast cancer research and acceptance about the disease. But, have we become to immune to how much more still needs to be done before there is a cure? Does pinkwashing lead to better preventative and early detection practices? Or, does it just dilute the message and the cause as a whole?

What are your thoughts on the pink?

Yesterday, I had to visit my breast surgeon. Here's why:

 

And here's what my breast surgeon said:

 

The pink don't mean a thing if you ain't feeling your boobies! If you'd like to read more about preventative mastectomies, here's some information from the Mayo Clinic.

I care. xoxo

Fun Factory Calla

Are you in the market for a sex toy that's:

1. Ergonomically-friendly (protect your hand and wrist as you please your…);

2. Sex positive (doesn't contain any potentially toxic ingredients);

3. Rechargeable and waterproof (few toys are both);

4. Versatile for guys, girls and couples; and/or

5. Can stimulate you clitorally, vaginally or anally?

If so, then Fun Factory's Calla is a great toy for you!

I give this toy my full Five Squeals of Approval because it gets the job done incredibly well. Whether you enjoy clitoral, anal, vaginal, or dual stimulation (clitorally and vaginally, or anally and on your perineum), you won't be disappointed!

  

* Pursuant to FTC guidelines, I received this toy free of charge in exchange for my honest review of the product.