Losing it!

Okay, so I’m a virgin. I want to wait until I’m married to have sex. When I do it for the first time, will it really hurt? And, will there be blood? How long does it take for there to be no pain after the first time?

Thanks for your question via Formspring. Most women who are contemplating losing their virginity wonder the exact same things.

I admire your resolve in deciding to wait until you’re married, especially given the pressures that society and peers place on having sex at younger ages. Since sex can change and complicate a relationship, it's preferable to wait until you're in a committed relationship to have sex for the first time. Whether you are male or female, remember that you never need to have sex if you don’t want to and aren’t sure you’re 100% ready.

Whether or not having sex for the first time will hurt depends on several factors:

  • How large is the guy, and how small are you? (It's worth noting, although you can't change biology.)
  • How wet are you naturally? (If you aren’t, make sure you have some lubrication on hand.)
  • How much foreplay is involved? I recommend having your man place one or two fingers on your clit or giving you oral before he goes inside you. If he can do either for at least 20 minutes to ensure that your muscles are fully relaxed and allow you to orgasm, that should help once you have vaginal sex.
  • Can you work your way up to losing your virginity? (I’m not sure if you’re waiting until you are married for any physical contact below the belt. If not, is it possible to do other activities so that there will be less discomfort?)
  • How much communication will there be between you and your partner? Do you feel comfortable telling your partner to stop or go slower? Will your partner ask you how it’s feeling? As is a recurring theme in my posts, communication is key!
  • Will you be using birth control, and if there's a prior sexual history on his part, has he been tested for STIs and HIV? These issues need to be discussed beforehand. For those of you who are having sex and aren't in a committed relationship, make sure that you have a lubricated latex condom available.
  • Will your partner be patient? It’s better to go slow at first to minimize any discomfort. He needs to be aware of this, too.

For some, losing their virginity is painful. For others, it’s not uncomfortable at all. A woman may bleed a small amount, but that is typically due to force and lack of lubrication. If you bleed outside of your period for more than a few days or in an abnormal amount, you should call your gynecologist immediately.

Whenever you decide that it’s the right time for you, know that the act might not be as blissful and orgasmic as a romance novel implies. However, if you wait for the right person, you can guarantee that it will be special. And, much like anything else, practice will definitely make perfect!

So, readers, was your first time awkward or painful? What tips would you have for this reader?

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