Stef Woods

The Rules of Juggling

“Do you tell all the guys you see that you're dating around, or is it just assumed that everyone does it? If someone is seeing you exclusively, do you ever feel bad about not reciprocating? I'm trying to figure my own stuff out, so I'm comparing notes.”

When I received that question in my Formspring inbox, I smiled to myself. I can wax poetic about anal sex, what to do if you’ve found a lump in your breast, or what constitutes a body-friendly sex toy. But, when it comes to juggling more than one guy, I wouldn’t regard myself as an expert in that arena by any stretch of the imagination. In this regard, I have tried, but I have rarely succeeded.

I have tried to operate under a certain code of norms when I’m dating more than one person:

1. Be honest without being forthcoming. I don’t lie when asked about others I might be dating or having sex with, but I don’t offer up information about my dating life voluntarily;

2. Steer away from comparisons. If you’re dating two guys, there will always be one guy with whom you have more in common, one guy with whom there is more passion, one guy who you see more regularly, etc. I don’t compare one guy to the other, but rather, I accept each guy for what he brings to my life;

3. Respect the parameters of the relationship. If I say I’m sexually exclusive, I am. If I’m in a committed relationship, I am. If I’m not allowed to date or kiss other people, I don’t. Period; and

4. Safety first. If I’m not in a sexually monogamous relationship, I need to be using condoms. That need increases exponentially with each partner.

I do think there are a few other variables to dating more than one person:

1. If you’re not in an exclusive relationship, it is assumed that you’re dating other people. However, a double standard still exists. It is more socially acceptable for a guy to be sleeping with more than one person than a woman. I wish that wasn’t the case, but past partners have gotten upset with me when I was engaging in the exact same behavior as they were.

2. If one person wants more from the other person, then he or she should initiate that conversation sooner, rather than later. Dating more than one person can get even more complicated when one party is content with that arrangement in the long term, and the other is looking for a serious and exclusive relationship. Are you and the guys that you’re dating on the same page in terms of what you’re doing in the present and what you’re looking for in the future? If not, that could be a problem regardless of how many people you're dating.

3. Are all parties involved being honest with each other? There needs to be a certain level of trust, communication and respect here. If you decide to be sexually exclusive with one man, is he respecting that arrangement, too? If you both are dating other people, are you both equally as concerned about safe sex? If you think something feels off with your arrangement, trust your instinct.

4. Emotions can often trump rational thought. My polyamorous friends are able to be in serious relationships with a long-term partner, while dating others. They’re honest and open about their wants and needs, and they don’t get jealous when their partners go out with others. In fact, it’s encouraged and supported! I admire how they can approach their relationships in such a levelheaded manner, although I know that I wouldn't be comfortable with that type of arrangement.

So, what advice do you have for the reader who asked the question? Are there rules or norms that apply that you don’t think I covered?
 

Summer Session

I picked when I’m teaching next summer based upon when I might need to get a double mastectomy.

That’s one of those sentences that I never imagined typing.

Getting over cancer isn’t like getting over a cold. It’s unfortunately not that simple.

I pride myself on my ability to keep stress about “What ifs?” to a minimum. Life is filled with unknowns, and I’m not about to limit what makes me happy in the present because of a distant possibility in the future.

My health situation doesn’t fit neatly in that box, though.

The nurses suggested that I keep my medi-port in for at least a year.

My breast surgeon said that I’m a strong candidate for a double mastectomy given my health history, my mother’s health history and the fact that I can’t tolerate hormonal therapy. Getting a preventative mastectomy in the non-cancerous left breast would reduce my risk of breast cancer to 5%. Getting a mastectomy in the right breast where there was cancer would reduce my risk in half to somewhere between 10-15% of recurrence within five years.

From a cosmetic perspective, the breast surgeon noted that my breast were saggy. (Hey, big naturals aren't known for being perky.)

The breast surgeon recommended that we talk about mastectomies next year.

The subtext of the surgeon and nurses’ comments:

Let’s wait a year to see if your cancer returns or not.

I don’t like to assume what people are saying without asking them directly. When I inquired with my breast surgeon if that was where she was coming from, she nodded.

Me: You realize that you and the oncologist's office are on the same page, but everyone is assuming that I would do chemo again if this returns. I can't say that definitively. [My surgeon looks at me with wide eyes.] We'll cross that bridge if — God forbid — we need to.

I’m not about to approach my life any differently than I have in the past. (Well, at least with respect to my health…) Aside from my biopsy in July, I don't allow myself to give much energy to the thought that my cancer will return.

However, I do need to be cognizant of the fact that there is a strong chance that I’ll need several surgeries next year. I’d rather teach my class early in the summer and then have the flexibility to deal with this issue in July and August.

There’s a fine line between not stressing about “What ifs?” and being prepared for the “What is likely to be.” I’m straddling that line like it is a pommel horse. I try to allow myself a few minutes to feel angry, sad and confused, and then I let it go until the next time those feelings hit.

The next time you meet someone who has beat cancer, you might consider asking how he or she is really doing. Until that person has reached the five-year cancer free mark, the answer might surprise you.

Are you making any plans now for 2012? What things do you expect to occur in the coming year?

The Anal-Loving Joneses

You don’t do anal sex?!? All the girls do it now.

— Statement made to a recently divorced woman from a guy she had started dating

When a friend of that woman relayed that comment to me, I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

Me: I hope she responded that ‘All guys aren’t going down on women for less than two hours at a time these days.’

My friend and I laughed, as we speculated as to why a guy would say that to a woman.

Male Friend: He’s just trying to test her boundaries.

Me: He’s trying to prey on her insecurities since she hasn’t dated in a while. It reminds me of those guys in college who would try to pressure a girl into bringing another woman into the bedroom by saying that all girls secretly fantasize about being with another woman.

Male Friend: What’s your website again? I need to send her your way. [I smile and pass him my card.]

There are certain dating rules – spoken and unspoken – that come to mind with this situation:

1. A woman never has to do anything that she doesn’t want to;

2. A woman never has to do anything that she doesn’t want to. (It’s like Fight Club. Some rules bear repeating);

3. There are quite a few guys who are just trying to get a woman into bed. (Does that apply to all men? Of course not. But, there are enough guys of this mindset that it’s worth mentioning);

4. Some guys will try to test women’s boundaries sexually and with respect to dating etiquette. (If a guy can just go over to have sex with a woman without taking her out on dates or giving her advance notice, he will do that);

5. Some women are okay with just having casual sex with men, but that’s not the norm for the majority of females; and

6. Some people are interested in trying anal sex and some aren’t. Some people love it, and some don’t. For those who are interested in trying it out, trust and communication are integral to the safety and pleasure of the act. Click here for my Anal 101 post.

No one – male or female – should engage in any sexual activity because others are doing so. That applies to freshman in college who are wondering if they are the only virgins on campus. (They aren’t.) That applies to a guy who wants to wait to have sex until he gets to know a girl, despite the fact that his buddies are all saying he should ‘seal the deal.’ (He shouldn’t, until he and the girl are ready.) And, that applies to anyone who is getting back into the dating scene and isn’t sure what he or she feels comfortable doing. If you aren't 100% sure about moving forward physically or emotionally, then you shouldn't do so. If a person won’t wait for you, then he or she isn’t the right fit as a sexual or long-term partner.

For the woman who received the comment that instigated this post:

A 2010 survey of 5,200+ people ages 14 to 70 found that 32% of women have had anal sex and 31.8% of heterosexual men have had anal sex during their lifetime. If you need more statistics, additional information is available here.

Your date is wrong on so many levels, and he was disrespectful to make you feel like you had to keep up with the Anal-Loving Joneses. If you continue to date him, make sure that he’s treating you well and not pressuring you in any way.

So, readers, did I miss anything? What are your thoughts on this issue?

Giveaway: Does He Cheat?

I'm not one who spends time pontificating over whether or not a guy is a cheater. I try to believe the best in people — men and women — and assume that people are being honest with me until I find evidence to the contrary. If that makes me naive at times, then I accept that. Disingenuous people will eventually show their true colors, and I'm rarely one to waste time and energy on a "What if?" I also view cheating as a symptom and not the problem itself.

Nonetheless, I do appreciate that many women are fascinated by the male mind. When the publicist for the authors of Does He Cheat? approached me about a giveaway for my readers, I said, "Sure!" (I'm never going to turn down free stuff for you all!)

Self-proclaimed Recovering Cheater™ Sterling Anderson and writing partner Stephanie Dart have collected and dissected 50 cheating men for the eye-opening book “Does He Cheat? Confessions from Men: 50 Signs Your Partner May Be Cheating.”  Written from the male perspective, the book is crammed with numerous ways cheaters manipulate and deceive their naive partners. To help empower women in their relationships, “Does He Cheat?” provides readers with firm recommendations to counteract against a cheater’s game.

Five signs your partner may be cheating, from the Does He Cheat? book:

 #3     A Make-over: “When I met a younger woman, I had to drop 10 lbs and 10 years.”

ADVICE TO YOU: Start looking younger and better yourself: dye your hair, hit the gym, take scuba diving classes. Get young and happy yourself. If he doesn't like the new, better you, someone else will.

#27    No Sex: “I don’t want sex” means, “I don’t want sex with you.”

ADVICE TO YOU: If sex stops, start it up again.  When you don't use it, you lose it—or him.

#45    Thai, Swedish, Japanese Massages: “Any action from a pro, like a rub-and-tug, isn’t cheating.”

ADVICE TO YOU: Find a masseuse for the both of you. There are many legitimate, professional massage therapists that will even come to your house.

#41   Online Dating: "Who doesn’t like fishing in a barrel full of fish?”

ADVICE TO YOU: If you are now involved with a man you met online, ask him if he has canceled his subscription. If unconvinced, check around other dating sites. Most of these men are too lazy to change their user names.

So, readers, what signs have you noticed that are good indicators about whether a man or a woman is cheating?

If you'd like to win a copy of Does He Cheat? (in hard copy or Kindle version), include the words, "I'd like to win a copy," in your comment.

All entries must be received on this blog or Facebook by 11:00pm on Tuesday, November 8th. Thanks!

Visiting the breast surgeon

I am girly-girl in all the traditional interpretations of that stereotype. My love of pink has carried over throughout the decades. (The owner of Nido, a Georgetown boutique, has commented that she can't look at a pink purse without thinking of me.)

I don't know how I feel about people sporting pink in October in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, though. What message does that color send to women about their gender and sexual identity? Does all that pink really translate into people taking more responsibility for their own health? Where does the money that is raised from the sale of pink ribbons and other similar items go to? There have been so many advancements in breast cancer research and acceptance about the disease. But, have we become to immune to how much more still needs to be done before there is a cure? Does pinkwashing lead to better preventative and early detection practices? Or, does it just dilute the message and the cause as a whole?

What are your thoughts on the pink?

Yesterday, I had to visit my breast surgeon. Here's why:

 

And here's what my breast surgeon said:

 

The pink don't mean a thing if you ain't feeling your boobies! If you'd like to read more about preventative mastectomies, here's some information from the Mayo Clinic.

I care. xoxo

Fun Factory Calla

Are you in the market for a sex toy that's:

1. Ergonomically-friendly (protect your hand and wrist as you please your…);

2. Sex positive (doesn't contain any potentially toxic ingredients);

3. Rechargeable and waterproof (few toys are both);

4. Versatile for guys, girls and couples; and/or

5. Can stimulate you clitorally, vaginally or anally?

If so, then Fun Factory's Calla is a great toy for you!

I give this toy my full Five Squeals of Approval because it gets the job done incredibly well. Whether you enjoy clitoral, anal, vaginal, or dual stimulation (clitorally and vaginally, or anally and on your perineum), you won't be disappointed!

  

* Pursuant to FTC guidelines, I received this toy free of charge in exchange for my honest review of the product.

Glass Half Full

Found out I’m in remission, but I’m not that happy.

When I saw those words appear in my Twitter feed, I immediately replied to my friend:

I’m grateful that you are done with treatment, but I get it. Call me if you want. Love you!

My telephone rang one minute later.

We talked about how people who haven’t been through it can only sympathize so much, despite their good intentions. I let her know that as someone who loves her, I am thrilled that she’s cancer-free. But, as a fellow cancer survivor, I appreciate all too well that her life doesn’t just return to how it was before her diagnosis.

Our perspectives have changed. Our priorities have changed. And, our relationships have changed.

We faced a "new normal" during treatment, and now, we're adjusting to another "new normal" with the end of treatment. Life is full of trials and tribulations like this but that doesn’t mean that they are easy to process or for others in our age group to understand.

I have always been cognizant of and thankful for the many blessings in my life. Even on my lowest days, my glass has been at least half full.

But, when your glass is half full, it’s also half empty. That analogy applies to how I feel like now that I’m done with treatment. I’m elated to be finished with chemotherapy, radiation and herceptin IVs, but the experience still looms over me like a dark cloud in the distance.

1. It’s a hairy situation. Chemotherapy causes the hair on your head to grow at a slower rate than normal. The chemicals also cause most women's hair to curl. Because of how thick and curly my hair is coming in, it’s growing up, rather than down. There’s also a curly, short femullet thing happening.

I have to do more to maintain my hair now than when it was down to the middle of my back. (Before cancer, I went for a blow out once a week, and that was it.) Now, I sit in the chair at the salon with sunglasses on so the other clients don’t see me crying.

I appreciate that to others with perfectly good intentions, the presence of hair on my head makes them more comfortable. But, to me, the presence of a never-ending bad hair day is a constant reminder of what has happened.

There’s also some irony that hair doesn’t return at the same pace all over. One friend and I were kvetching the other day about how we now have more hair on our legs than we've ever had before. And, my old aesthetician is baffled as to why my eyebrow hair is growing like a Chia Pet in some spots, but not in others.

2. Keeping everything in check. One friend was diagnosed with breast cancer in early 2010. She's been in remission for over a year, but she's still in the process of getting reconstructive surgeries. The idea that mastectomies and reconstruction are done in one surgery is false!

I’ll be seeing my oncologist, radiation oncologist and breast surgeon at four-month intervals. I’ll be getting one mammogram a year and one breast MRI a year. The reason for such vigilance is that when you’re diagnosed with breast cancer at a young age, there’s a greater chance of recurrence. I have between a 20-30% chance of breast cancer returning within five years. That percentage could be much higher, but it could also be lower. I can’t give much energy to a distant possibility, but I can’t ignore it either.

During my biopsy in July, my doctors commented that I have a lot of mass and fibrocystic breasts. I reminded myself then that only 2 biopsies out of 13 over the years came back as malignant (cancerous). However, it's highly likely that I will need more biopsies in the future. Being vigilant about health matters is empowering, but worrying about whether cancer has returned is very unpleasant.

3. The change. A year ago this week, I started hemorrhaging. By the end of the month, I was in menopause. I went out of menopause in late July, but my hormones now resemble those of the average teenage girl. I’ve had one period in a year. (For those of you who are wondering, I'm not pregnant. Thankfully.)

4. Ports Ahoy! My medi-port, the small device implanted under my skin through which the doctors administered medicine and took blood, is still in me. The nurses recommended that I keep it in for a while since my veins are so bad. It’s somewhat odd to think that the only reason the medi-port would need to be used is if my cancer returns. (Hey, cancer, go away! Don’t come near me! Better yet, don’t go near anyone anywhere! A girl can dream, right?)

My glass is still more than half full, but it’s a bit of a rude awakening that no longer having cancer doesn’t exactly translate into being done with cancer.

No matter what I go through, I’ve found peace when I focus on others and the cause as a whole.

With that in mind:

If you haven’t felt your boobies this month, please do!

If you find a lump, make an appointment with a breast surgeon!

If you haven’t gotten your annual gynecological appointment yet this year, please schedule one now. Make sure your gynecologist performs a clinical breast exam in addition to a pap smear during that appointment.

If you see any abnormal moles, please call a dermatologist.

Guys, feel your balls and look at your chest, too. Call the doctor if there are any abnormalities or pain.

I care. xoxo

City Girl Blogs logo

A year ago, I launched my new website from Sisarina. The site that Melanie Spring designed still makes me smile. Sisarina has a gift for giving its clients just what they want and need. I also love the logo that we picked through crowdsourcing, as it met my specifications perfectly. My red hair is part of my identity and my brand.

This past week has been filled with a lot of discussions about my professional future and where my brand is going. I’m excited about what lies ahead, although it amazes me that this site has led me to where it has. City Girl Blogs™ is in full effect!

For any of you who may be in need of my official logo for City Girl, City Girl Blogs™ or citygirlblogs.com, here are a few options for you:

City Girl Blogs logo official, City Girl Blogs, citygirlblogs.com

City Girl Blogs logo official, City Girl Blogs, City Girl, citygirlblogs.com

 

City Girl Blogs logo thumbnail official, citygirlblogs.com, City Girl

All other logos are not endorsed by City Girl Blogs™ and are not authorized for use for any purpose relating to City Girl Blogs™.

A YOOO for you!

A Sex Toy Haiku:

Three balls. Two motors. Magic.
In this Fun Factory toy
The YOOO. Nirvana?

I’ve written about my love of Fun Factory before. The company is internationally renowned for its quality products, innovative design and commitment to using only body-friendly materials.

The YOOO (pronounced like “You”) is a recent addition to Fun Factory’s collection of sex toys that win on form and function. Each “O” in the product’s name stands for one of the three O-shaped balls or bubbles.

Although this toy resembles Micky Mouse’s ears or a video game joystick, the YOOO was made with 100% medical-grade silicone and was clearly designed for discriminating adult consumers.

The dual motors allow the toy to be stronger than most products of a comparable size and provide a variety of pleasure sensations. The toy is easy to charge and operate. When you get your YOOO, charge it as soon as you can since for its initial charge, it’s recommended that you connect it for 12 hours. (I don’t know why that is, but I just view it like when I get a new cell phone. One overnight charge = good to go!)

The product comes with a Fun Magnetic Plug that allows you to charge it with just a click of the magnets. (Match the words, “Fun Factory,” on the magnetic plug with the same words on the top of the YOOO and you’re all set.)

Once the toy has been charged, press the “+” sign firmly to turn the YOOO on and continue to press that button to increase the toy’s vibrations. If you’d like an added surge of intensity, hold the “*” button down firmly, and you will feel the effects of the power boost. If you’d like to decrease the vibrations, press the “-“ button and hold that button down for a second or two firmly to turn off the YOOO.

Three balls and two motors might make you think that this toy is for dual stimulation. It is, but the stimulation is external, rather than internal.

“What does that mean?” you might be wondering.

Well, a female can use this toy on her clit and the lips of her pussy, or her pussy lips and the exterior of her ass. A man can use the toy on his perineum (the sensitive spot between the base of his cock below his balls and above his ass) and the exterior of his ass. A guy can also put his shaft between the two balls to add vibrations to a hand job, blow job or masturbation.

This toy offers eight speeds of vibrations so I highly recommend it for toy newbies and toy aficionados. If you’re a woman who achieves orgasms regularly from a wand and has become desensitized to clitoral orgasms from other means, I advise taking a break from your wand for several days to maximize your enjoyment from the YOOO. Wands have stronger vibrations, but the YOOO’s two motors with the turbo boost allow for a distinctly different experience that’s worth the ride!

Since this product looks like a children’s toy, it’s perfect for those of you with little ones at home. On the noise front, the YOOO’s vibrations resemble a low-pitched hum, rather than a high-pitched squeal or loud jack-hammer. I thus regard the toy as relatively quiet. Even on its highest setting, your roommate, neighbor or family shouldn’t hear you.

Given its versatility, the YOOO excels as a toy for couples. The product won’t intimidate a straight man or someone who hasn’t previously used toys in the bedroom. You can take it into the bath or shower with you since it’s one of the few rechargeable toys that’s waterproof. And, with its three balls and two motors, there are a lot of options when adding the toy into your oral, anal or vaginal sexual routine.

I give Fun Factory’s YOOO Four Squeals of Approval as a solid toy for couples with or without children, toy newbies, people who enjoy water sports, people who live in close quarters, and women who prefer moderate external stimulation.

Try it. YOOO might like it!

The YOOO retails for $99.90.

Pursuant to FCC Guidelines, I received the YOOO from Fun Factory free of charge in exchange for my honest assessment of the product.