Stef Woods

Bully

I couldn't watch the trailer for the documentary, Bully, without tearing up. I hope that this movie shines a bright light on the serious and systemic problem of bullying and encourages dialogue, tolerance and education.

The movie made me think about a time in my life when I was bullied. In the hopes that more people will communicate about this topic, here is my story:

Geek. Prude. Nerd.

These were all words I was used to hearing in 9th grade. Sure, I had my group of good friends, but they were all in the band and on Academic Team like me. Other factors also influenced where I fit in – or didn’t – back in high school:

• I was a year younger than the rest of the class so I developed later than most.
• I was a teacher’s pet.
• We were one of the few non-Italian Catholic families in town.
• I identified as a feminist since kindergarten.

I had tried to talk to my mom about not fitting in before, but she believed that I would outgrow that like she did.

“Just ignore them,” she told me. “It won’t matter years from now anyway.”

One day in Spanish class, our teacher brought us all into the auditorium. (She was the point person for an assembly that afternoon on the Revolutionary War and needed to set up.) Our class was told to stand quietly in the back of the room for the entire period. A few of the popular girls started looking at the props for the assembly, and three of them picked up muskets.

It didn’t take long before the leader of the group turned her musket toward me and the other two girls followed. They pretended to take shots at my head, as they said things like:

“The world would be a better place if you were dead.”

"I wish there were real bullets in these guns."

This went on for 20 minutes.

I ignored them and just took it – part out of pride and part out of fear. The rest of the class was there, but no one said or did anything. The teacher was too far away to hear or see, and she never came back to check on the class.

A few days later, my father’s employer offered him the chance to move overseas. He vacillated about going, until I told him that I would join him. In less than a month, I was in Turkey and had reinvented myself.

I realize how many kids had and have it far worse than I did. I also know that 99.99% of bullied youth don’t have the luxury of making the problem disappear by moving halfway around the world.

I saw the ringleader at our 20th High School Reunion. I said hello to her, and left it at that. In the back of my head, though, I wondered if she was raising her child to be more tolerant than she was. I fervently hope so.

What are your thoughts on the documentary? Do you believe there should have been such a controversy over the movie's rating?

Is it sex?

How do you define sex?

I’ve written about this topic before, and I acknowledge that my definition has been very heteronormative. I’m a straight female who has only had sex with male partners. I consider it sex when there’s penetration vaginally or anally, but I don’t consider it sex when I give or receive oral sex.

I’ve been wondering lately, though, if my definition of sex marginalizes those who don’t identify with me. I would never question whether my lesbian friends needed to have penetration to be intimate with a partner so why do definitions matter so much? If my partner cheated on me with only oral sex, would I say that he hadn’t cheated on me? Of course not!

I started thinking about this a lot after reading the posts of one of my students, Carmen Rios. Carmen writes for Autostraddle, the world’s most popular, independently owned website for lesbian, bisexual and queer women. In a post on her blog about Learning About Sex Online, Carmen quotes the following passage from the e-zine:

We’ve gotten at least five billion questions via email and formspring from lesbians of all ages who haven’t had lesbian sex and are worried they don’t know “how.” Well, listen: enjoying sex isn’t about memorizing 16 positions or knowing the best angle to fuck from, enjoying sex is half-animal half-heart and only rarely has it got anything to do with your rational brain, or cognitive reasoning, or anything a person could tell you or anything you could read on the internet.

And whereas it’s true that one day you’ll be more confident and experienced than you are now, it’s also true that your body was born knowing how to have sex like it knows how to eat and knows how to walk. Your first time doesn’t have to be a big deal; some of us don’t even remember our first times. Alternately, if you want it to be a big deal, it can be. But ultimately every woman is different — totally, completely, entirely different — from the next. So what could we tell you, really?

In her project for my Sexuality and Social Media class, Carmen is exploring "the intersection of queer people, sex, and the Internet. The Internet is the new forefront for education. But for people who didn’t learn anything that applicable in sex education, it’s the entire classroom experience. [She wants] to examine how that changes the understanding of sex for queer people, and how the Internet has impacted their sexual lives."

Carmen included this chart on her blog recently, and I smiled when I saw it:

 

I like the way Autostraddle defines sex by not defining it narrowly or in a way that excludes anyone. I guess it’s time that I do the same. Does that mean I have to change my number, though ;)?

So, how do you define sex? Do you have a number of partners, and what had to happen to include a person on that list?

What if your man isn’t a fan…of toys?

Let's try something new, shall we?

I receive several questions from readers and friends every week. You all give such great advice that I had an idea:

I relay one question a week. You all give your answers in the comments section. Then, in a few days, I'll write a post with my answer and include hyperlinks to a couple of commenters' blogs.

How does that sound?

Okay…here goes!

Question: I've never used an adult toy before, but lately, I've found myself wanting to try one. I mentioned the idea to my husband, and he got pretty offended by the suggestion. I asked him, "Why?" and he just told me that I'm married so I shouldn't need any toys. What should I do?

The Science of Love

I rarely write about my dating life anymore, but suffice it to say that I'm happy. Really happy.

I'm with a man who is kind, communicative and loyal. I haven't always (often?) been able to say that I'm dating a good man, but I can now. And, that's perfect for this stage in my life.

My heart races a bit when I see him, and I feel this rush when he hugs me. When we're not together, I find myself daydreaming a lot and having trouble concentrating.

One of my Sexuality and Social Media students, Gabrielle, might tell me that it's the dopamine talking. For her class research project, Gabrielle is:

Comparing and contrasting the chemical processes that occur within the human body during online dating and face-to-face relationships.  There is a rise in the chemical Oxytocin when social media users meet a love interest online as well as during a physical relationship.  However, Pheromones are chemicals physically given off by the body and spark attraction within a romantic partner.  Does dating through social media hinder the chemical processes of love or have our brains adapted to this modern way of life?

This post that Gabrielle wrote about the chemistry of love had me thinking about my own life:

Dopamine is first released (Newman 9).  It is what makes a person want to spend more time with his or her love interest and gives them the initial “butterflies” (9).  This neurotransmitter is also released when someone drinks or does drugs like caffeine, cocaine and crystal methamphetamine (Tomlinson).  The chemical process of love actually induces addictive like behavior, “which explains the feeling of being addicted to your partner” (Newman, 9).  A dopamine release also increases a person’s heart rate and energy, as well as restlessness (Tomlinson).

Dopamine is also the high a person feels when she or he takes a risk like skydiving or snowboarding down a half-pipe (Park).  The unknown of a new relationship also has the same effect within the brain and this is why he or she often feels so exciting.  The high in a relationship caused by dopamine may diminish over time (2).  This can be caused by parenting and couples often find it difficult to hold on to romance (Blum, 3).  All is not lost however.  Dopamine has been shown to return and add a new spark to a long term relationship (3).  Dopamine also comes back to influence attraction for people who have lost a partner, “Among the couples that Fisher is studying are newly met partners in nursing homes, people in their 70s and 80s, whose infatuation is just as intense as that shared by 20-year-old lovers” (3).

Years ago, one of my friends claimed that the best feeling in the world is falling in love.

Maybe she's right. Or, is it just the dopamine talking again? Read more about the chemical processes of love here.

What do you think about the science behind attraction and love?

From Mounds to Expansion to Implants

“So, Doctor, how long should I expect to recoup after my mastectomies?”

“One month.”

I stare at my breast surgeon and give a slight nod of my head with a disconnected expression in my eyes.

“You should prepare to just putter around the house for a month and only leave to see the doctor.”

“How much help will I need at home?”

“I would say 24-hour nursing care for two to three days, and then eight-hour nursing care for two weeks or so.”

“This sucks,” I say without eloquence or pretense as I shake my head back and forth.

So, barring any unforeseen complications, what’s the timeline for my upcoming surgeries?

April 25th: Double Mastectomies

Until the surgery, my doctor won’t know if there’s enough viable skin on my right breast to create the new mound. (Four lumpectomies and a month of radiation have taken their toll.) If there is enough viable skin, then I’ll be released in one day. If not, and the surgeon is required to take muscle and tissue from my upper back, then I’ll stay in the hospital for three or four nights.

I’ll be sent home with two to six drains and a lot of pain medications. I’ll also leave the hospital with expanders inside my chest. As Johns Hopkins' site explains, “a breast tissue expander is an inflatable breast implant designed to stretch the skin and muscle to make room for a future, more permanent implant.”

The media tends to highlight the stories from women who are eligible for immediate reconstruction. I think it's easier for us to put our heads around that procedure sociologically and psychologically. However, the overwhelming majority of breast cancer patients who have needed or will need radiation are not eligible for this procedure. Immediate reconstruction also increases the risk of infection, and over half of the women who choose this option end up getting a second surgery at a later juncture.

May 9th: Pump ‘Em Up

Hopefully, the last of the drains will be removed when I visit my surgeon for the two-week follow-up. At that point, the doctor will inject saline into the expanders.

I’ll see the surgeon weekly for the next four to six weeks so she can expand my breasts to the desired size. (I'm assuming I'll end up with a DD cup, but we'll see.) I might need to post photos in a bathing suit top of the expansion so you all can see how they plump up!

Late June: Rest!

After the expanders are at the desired size, we wait for four to six weeks for the tissue to settle.

Early August: Implants Time!

I’ll have surgery to replace the expanders with traditional breast implants.

I’ll be in physical therapy to increase my mobility and upper body strength in the summer and fall. Once my breasts have healed, I’ll have my nipples reconstructed.

This sucks. But, like countless women before me and after me, I’ll get through it. I just keep reminding myself that this is worth it to reduce my risk of recurrence.

Online Dating and Deception

I've tried online dating at various times over the years with limited success. I must admit, though, that I haven't been 100% honest on my profiles.

When I last had an online dating profile in 2008, my post-concussion syndrome symptoms were at their worst. (Back then, a high-pitched ring tone or whistling could cause me to vomit. I wish I was exaggerating on that one.) I didn't disclose details about that or any of my other health conditions. I figured that if I met someone with whom I had a strong connection, I would tell him about my health — or he would see how I was affected — soon enough.

Quite a few of my ex-boyfriends have lied on their online dating profiles, including the following:

"Buckeyes" Boy changed his race on Match with the seasons, even stating at one point that he's Latino. And, he still maintains that he played football in college.

According to his profile, Philly Matt had completed some college. Umm…that's news to me.

Military Attorney Boy clicked that he was either "Separated" or "Divorced" on his profiles. I later learned that his children were unaware that he and their mom weren't together anymore. (They thought their dad had to work out-of-town for a year.)

This topic has been on my mind, after reading the blog of Eleni Bakst, one of my students in my Sexuality and Social Media class. In her post regarding "Recreating Yourself," Eleni writes:

A potential downside of online dating is the possibility of misrepresentations in personal profiles. Recent survey research showed that “86% of online dating participants felt others misrepresented their physical appearance” (Hancock, Toma, and Ellison, 2007). Everyone tries to make the best first impressions, occasionally lying to make themselves look better, more fun, or more interesting. When creating an online profile there is an even greater temptation to be deceptive because daters know that everything they are writing is being “scrutinized by potential mates” (449).

Online daters can “engage in selective self-presentations—a more mindful and strategic version of face-to-face self-presentation. More specifically, asynchronicity ensures the relaxation of time constraints between profile creation and actual interaction with potential dates, such that users have more time to carefully formulate their self-presentation. ” (450). In addition, when online daters notice that something in their self-presentation attracts the wrong daters, they are able to go back and edit their profile, putting them at a great advantage when compared to “normal daters” (450). Online daters have the ability to create, edit, and re-edit the version of themselves that they feel most confident and happy about.

There are also certain factors that discourage deception on online dating profiles. When it comes to who lies about what, the answer lies all in attraction. Research has shown that men and women look for different features in potential mates. Generally, “men look for youth and physical attractiveness in their partners, whereas women look for ability to provide and indicators of social status, such as education and career” (450). Therefore, women are more deceptive regarding their physical characteristics and age while men are more likely to be deceptive about their social status or height (which is often associated with power and status).

In a study performed on New York City online daters using Match.com, Yahoo Personals, American Singles and Webdate, researchers witnessed that 81% of the participants lied on at least one of the variables assessed (452). The most frequently lied about variable was weight, then height, and then age (452).

While it may be particularly tempting to be deceptive when creating an online profile, it’s important to always be honest and open from the beginning. Find a person who wants you for who you really are, not for what they want you to be.

Wise words, Eleni! Her project will look at the following:

Do online dating sites really have the potential to create and maintain long-term meaningful relationships?

I can't wait to read more of her findings, including her transcripts from interviews with people who have tried online dating — successfully and unsuccessfully.

Okay, it's time to 'fess up. Have you ever lied on an online dating profile, and if so, what about?

What can I do about the smell…?

A reader recently asked me the following question on Formspring:

I've been having a problem with strong vaginal odor. STD testing came back negative, but I'm not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

Answer: Thanks for your question, as I'm sure you're not alone! Since you didn't provide a lot of detail, I wonder:

Is the odor constant throughout the month? Have you had any hormonal or dietary changes recently, or are you on any medication? Are your periods normal?

I commend you for getting tested to rule out any infections. I hope that you and your doctor discussed your overall health and whether you need to see a specialist.

I assume your doctor let you know that douches are not a good solution. Douching can actually change the healthy bacteria in your vagina and has been linked to an increase in vaginal health problems. If you want to learn more about douching from Health and Human Services, click here.

I talked with two friends who have their PhDs in health, and we came up with several suggestions. You might wish to consider:

  • Taking a probiotic supplement or increasing your yogurt intake. That idea is confirmed by Drs. Northrup and Oz to get the right balance of healthy bacteria in your vagina.
  • Reducing or eliminating tobacco and alcohol from your diet.
  • Limiting dairy (other than yogurt), red meat, foods with a lot of alkaline (like certain fish), garlic, broccoli and asparagus.
  • Confirming with your doctor whether you were tested for a bacterial infection or BV.
  • Increasing your intake of pineapple and orange fruit or juice. (Non-scientific studies have shown a link between taste/odor and intake of these fruits.)
  • Increasing exercise to help sweat the unhealthy bacteria out. (Make sure that you're wearing cotton underwear that isn't too tight when you're exercising.)
  • Investigating whether you could be having an allergic reaction to latex, a bath product (soap, tampons, powders, etc.), lubricant or toy. Make sure you're using natural products or eliminate one of them to determine if it's causing problems.

I hope that it can be resolved in the not so distant future. Please keep me posted.

It's worth remembering that clean, healthy vaginas have some natural odor. Our bodies are wild, wonderous things. We shouldn't be ashamed of them.

Readers, did I miss anything? Do you use any natural bath products or lubricants? What are your favorites?

PAPAYA Toys Tattoo Giveaway

Have you heard of PAPAYA Toys before?

PAPAYA Toys develops unique products that will thrill you as well as inspire you to joyfully explore your sexuality. The company was founded in 2009 and is headquartered in Hong Kong with offices in the US. PAPAYA Toys’ commitment to uncompromising quality, superior customer service, consumer education and social and environmental responsibility has quickly earned industry recognition and consumer praise worldwide. “Rediscover Passion” is not only its motto, but also its vision. PAPAYA Toys brings you innovation, individuality and excitement.

PAPAYA Toys offers products that are:

  • Body-Friendly (100% medical-Grade Silicone)
  • 100% Waterproof — fully submersible
  • Flexible with soft touch buttons
  • Innovative with a convenient battery compartment
  • Multi-speed with varying vibrations
  • Easy to travel with
  • German designed and engineered for form, fun and function
  • Great for clitoral and vaginal stimulation. These toys can also be used externally on the anus, nipples, shaft or balls.

In 2010, PAPAYA Toys was honored at the 3rd Annual “O” Awards when AVN announced the winner of the Outstanding Innovation, was in fact, PAPAYA Toys’ very own "Reversible Battery Pack.” Check out the company's site to learn more, or connect with PAPAYA Toys US on Twitter or Facebook.

What's this giveaway about?

One very lucky reader will receive a Tattoo toy from PAPAYA Toys!

The Tattoo features a very distinctive bulbous head and a simple yet elegant shaft with a beautiful engraving on its sides. The product is 8.5 inches of pure pleasure. The vibrator for this toy is inside its head. It will send shivers throughout your body, enhancing and multiplying your pleasure, whether you use it clitorally or vaginally.

Unlike a lot of other toys on the market, Tattoo can join you in the shower or bath. Medical-grade silicone makes for a smooth feel. It is delightfully flexible and warms beautifully to the touch. It is nonporous making it easy to clean and to disinfect.

With the easy-to-use soft touch buttons, you can increase or decrease the vibration, as well as switch between three different pulsation programs.

PAPAYA Toys are battery powered. Unlike other toys that need to be recharged before using, you don’t have to wait for Tattoo to pleasure you.

How can you enter to win a Tattoo toy?

Just write a comment on this blog, stating why you'd like to win a PAPAYA Toys' Tattoo! You must reside in the United States and be 18 years or older to be eligible. The winner will be chosen randomly via Random.org on Friday, March 23, 2012 at 11:59pm EST. Good luck!

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, no compensation was received in exchange for this post or giveaway.
 

Planned Parenthood and Komen

What are my views on the recent controversy between Planned Parenthood and Susan G. Komen?

Claim: Planned Parenthood doesn’t offer mammograms so it shouldn't receive funds from Komen.

My Thoughts: It's true that Planned Parenthood Centers don't have mammography equipment. However, health care practitioners at Planned Parenthood provide clinical breast exams and instruction in how patients can perform self-exams.

Self-exams and clinical breast exams are critical to breast health and early detection. They are the first line of defense in the fight against breast cancer. In addition, if a patient or practitioner finds a lump, Planned Parenthood provides necessary referrals for biopsies and follow-up care.

Claim: Susan G. Komen isn’t fiscally responsible.

My Thoughts: According to public financial records, 82.5% of the funds that Susan G. Komen receives go to program expenses. I view that as fiscally responsible, as does Charity Navigator and the American Institute of Philanthropy. Komen gave $72 million in one year in aid and grants to programs and research in the United States. Given the organization's overall impact on the cause, I don't have a problem if Executive Director Nancy Brinker makes $417,000 a year and flies first class.

Claim: The board at Susan G. Komen can give money to whichever programs and organizations it chooses.

My Thoughts: I agree with that. However, the reason why Komen discontinued its grant to Planned Parenthood wasn’t supported by evidence. Specifically, Komen continued to fund programs that were under investigation, including the medical center at Pennsylvania State University.

Other actions and inactions by the organization also raised some red flags for me.

  • Why didn’t Komen executives agree to sit down in person with Planned Parenthood executives and discuss the end of a long-time annual grant?
  • Why didn’t Komen utilize its marketing, public relations and social media resources to control the story and messaging?
  • Why did Komen delete many of the comments it received on Facebook, rather than engaging in a two-way conversation?
  • Why did Komen claim that its decision wasn’t politically motivated, and yet, its then Vice-President Tweeted differently?
  • Why didn't Komen reinstate its grant to Planned Parenthood, rather than just allowing the organization to apply for grants with the disclaimer that Komen wishes to fund clinics that offer mammograms?

Over the past year, my students and I have talked about Planned Parenthood’s use of social media during the debt ceiling debate and Komen controversy. For Alex Lugovina’s final project in our Sexuality and Social Media class, she chose the following topic:

What has been the impact of social media on the current climate surrounding contraception in the United States? More specifically, how has Planned Parenthood used social media to deliver its message and services, and how has this impacted the organization? I chose this topic because I think it is critically important for all women to have access to healthcare in general and especially access to contraception. Planned Parenthood was reluctant to enter the social media world because of client confidentiality issues. They were able to work around that, and the recent controversy between the Komen Foundation and Planned Parenthood will show the importance of social media to Planned Parenthood.

In a recent post about the history of contraception and the economics behind birth control, Alex wrote:

“The typical American woman, who wants two children, spends about five years pregnant, postpartum or trying to become pregnant, and three decades–more than three-quarters of her reproductive life–trying to avoid pregnancy (Guttmacher).” Wow, 30 years trying to avoid pregnancy!

Almost half of all pregnancies annually are unintended and 3 of 10 pregnancies will end in abortion. More than 36 million women of reproductive age are in need of contraceptives.

So how do women — 36 million women — find and pay for contraceptives?

71% of these women can only afford contraceptives through publicly funded programs because they have an income below 250% of the federal poverty level, and 29% are under the age of 20 (Guttmacher).

I look forward to seeing how Alex’s project evolves and her examination of Planned Parenthood’s use of new media. Follow her posts and Tweets.

Now that the dust has settled a bit, what are your thoughts on the Planned Parenthood and Komen controversy? Will either organization receive your donations or time?

Doing It Anyway.

I’m scared, and I’m doing it anyway.

That was my response, when my friend, Lauree Ostrofsky, asked me how I’m feeling about my upcoming surgery. I didn’t hesitate to answer her with one of her trademarked catchphrases as a life coach and motivational speaker with Simply Leap. Lauree urges others to acknowledge their fears since that makes it easier for people to deal with them.

So, with that in mind, what am I scared of when it comes to my mastectomies on April 25th?

  1. I’m scared of the pain. From mastectomies through reconstruction and physical therapy, this will be a minimum of a six-month process.
  2. I’m scared of developing an infection or having a reaction. I’ve been told by many a doctor that my body is a medical mystery. I don’t react to medicines and surgeries like the average patient. On a few occasions, that’s meant that I’ve recouped faster than others. More often than not, though, I’ve experienced rare reactions and complications.
  3. I’m scared of losing more friends. Yes, I’ve gained a lot of friends through my diagnosis and treatment, but I’ve also lost several old friends or seen friends’ true colors. I accept that not everyone is good in a health crisis, but prior to chemotherapy, I never imagined that four old and loyal friends would be cruel or unsupportive.
  4. I’m scared of this affecting my relationship. We’re in a good place that’s drama-free. This surgery is a significant occurrence, especially for a couple that hasn’t dated for that long.
  5. Most importantly, I’m scared that I will do this, and I will still develop cancer again. Mastectomies greatly reduce my risk of recurrence, but they don’t eliminate them. There’s still a 5% chance of getting cancer in my left breast, and a 12% chance in my right breast. As I’ve told my doctors, if I develop cancer again before I’ve adopted a child, I will not do chemotherapy again. (Yes, you read that correctly. I have fears, but death is not among them.)

For the next six weeks, I will work hard to face my fears and shower myself with reminders as to why I’m doing this:

  1. My chances of recurrence are in the 30% range right now.
  2. I wasn’t able to tolerate the recommended hormonal therapy treatment.
  3. I’ve had 13 biopsies in 12 years, and I don’t want more.
  4. The doctors believe my mom and I have a genetic marker for breast cancer that has yet to be discovered.
  5. My other health conditions prohibit me from participating in vaccine studies.
  6. This is the one thing left that I haven’t tried. There are so many unknowns in life, but that is known.
  7. My entire medical team agrees that this is the best course of action.
  8. There is so much more I want to do with my life. I want to be as healthy as I can be.

I’m scared, and I’m doing this anyway.

What are you scared of and doing anyway? What happens when you face your fears?