sex

The Anal-Loving Joneses

You don’t do anal sex?!? All the girls do it now.

— Statement made to a recently divorced woman from a guy she had started dating

When a friend of that woman relayed that comment to me, I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

Me: I hope she responded that ‘All guys aren’t going down on women for less than two hours at a time these days.’

My friend and I laughed, as we speculated as to why a guy would say that to a woman.

Male Friend: He’s just trying to test her boundaries.

Me: He’s trying to prey on her insecurities since she hasn’t dated in a while. It reminds me of those guys in college who would try to pressure a girl into bringing another woman into the bedroom by saying that all girls secretly fantasize about being with another woman.

Male Friend: What’s your website again? I need to send her your way. [I smile and pass him my card.]

There are certain dating rules – spoken and unspoken – that come to mind with this situation:

1. A woman never has to do anything that she doesn’t want to;

2. A woman never has to do anything that she doesn’t want to. (It’s like Fight Club. Some rules bear repeating);

3. There are quite a few guys who are just trying to get a woman into bed. (Does that apply to all men? Of course not. But, there are enough guys of this mindset that it’s worth mentioning);

4. Some guys will try to test women’s boundaries sexually and with respect to dating etiquette. (If a guy can just go over to have sex with a woman without taking her out on dates or giving her advance notice, he will do that);

5. Some women are okay with just having casual sex with men, but that’s not the norm for the majority of females; and

6. Some people are interested in trying anal sex and some aren’t. Some people love it, and some don’t. For those who are interested in trying it out, trust and communication are integral to the safety and pleasure of the act. Click here for my Anal 101 post.

No one – male or female – should engage in any sexual activity because others are doing so. That applies to freshman in college who are wondering if they are the only virgins on campus. (They aren’t.) That applies to a guy who wants to wait to have sex until he gets to know a girl, despite the fact that his buddies are all saying he should ‘seal the deal.’ (He shouldn’t, until he and the girl are ready.) And, that applies to anyone who is getting back into the dating scene and isn’t sure what he or she feels comfortable doing. If you aren't 100% sure about moving forward physically or emotionally, then you shouldn't do so. If a person won’t wait for you, then he or she isn’t the right fit as a sexual or long-term partner.

For the woman who received the comment that instigated this post:

A 2010 survey of 5,200+ people ages 14 to 70 found that 32% of women have had anal sex and 31.8% of heterosexual men have had anal sex during their lifetime. If you need more statistics, additional information is available here.

Your date is wrong on so many levels, and he was disrespectful to make you feel like you had to keep up with the Anal-Loving Joneses. If you continue to date him, make sure that he’s treating you well and not pressuring you in any way.

So, readers, did I miss anything? What are your thoughts on this issue?

Giveaway: Does He Cheat?

I'm not one who spends time pontificating over whether or not a guy is a cheater. I try to believe the best in people — men and women — and assume that people are being honest with me until I find evidence to the contrary. If that makes me naive at times, then I accept that. Disingenuous people will eventually show their true colors, and I'm rarely one to waste time and energy on a "What if?" I also view cheating as a symptom and not the problem itself.

Nonetheless, I do appreciate that many women are fascinated by the male mind. When the publicist for the authors of Does He Cheat? approached me about a giveaway for my readers, I said, "Sure!" (I'm never going to turn down free stuff for you all!)

Self-proclaimed Recovering Cheater™ Sterling Anderson and writing partner Stephanie Dart have collected and dissected 50 cheating men for the eye-opening book “Does He Cheat? Confessions from Men: 50 Signs Your Partner May Be Cheating.”  Written from the male perspective, the book is crammed with numerous ways cheaters manipulate and deceive their naive partners. To help empower women in their relationships, “Does He Cheat?” provides readers with firm recommendations to counteract against a cheater’s game.

Five signs your partner may be cheating, from the Does He Cheat? book:

 #3     A Make-over: “When I met a younger woman, I had to drop 10 lbs and 10 years.”

ADVICE TO YOU: Start looking younger and better yourself: dye your hair, hit the gym, take scuba diving classes. Get young and happy yourself. If he doesn't like the new, better you, someone else will.

#27    No Sex: “I don’t want sex” means, “I don’t want sex with you.”

ADVICE TO YOU: If sex stops, start it up again.  When you don't use it, you lose it—or him.

#45    Thai, Swedish, Japanese Massages: “Any action from a pro, like a rub-and-tug, isn’t cheating.”

ADVICE TO YOU: Find a masseuse for the both of you. There are many legitimate, professional massage therapists that will even come to your house.

#41   Online Dating: "Who doesn’t like fishing in a barrel full of fish?”

ADVICE TO YOU: If you are now involved with a man you met online, ask him if he has canceled his subscription. If unconvinced, check around other dating sites. Most of these men are too lazy to change their user names.

So, readers, what signs have you noticed that are good indicators about whether a man or a woman is cheating?

If you'd like to win a copy of Does He Cheat? (in hard copy or Kindle version), include the words, "I'd like to win a copy," in your comment.

All entries must be received on this blog or Facebook by 11:00pm on Tuesday, November 8th. Thanks!

Fun Factory Calla

Are you in the market for a sex toy that's:

1. Ergonomically-friendly (protect your hand and wrist as you please your…);

2. Sex positive (doesn't contain any potentially toxic ingredients);

3. Rechargeable and waterproof (few toys are both);

4. Versatile for guys, girls and couples; and/or

5. Can stimulate you clitorally, vaginally or anally?

If so, then Fun Factory's Calla is a great toy for you!

I give this toy my full Five Squeals of Approval because it gets the job done incredibly well. Whether you enjoy clitoral, anal, vaginal, or dual stimulation (clitorally and vaginally, or anally and on your perineum), you won't be disappointed!

  

* Pursuant to FTC guidelines, I received this toy free of charge in exchange for my honest review of the product.

A YOOO for you!

A Sex Toy Haiku:

Three balls. Two motors. Magic.
In this Fun Factory toy
The YOOO. Nirvana?

I’ve written about my love of Fun Factory before. The company is internationally renowned for its quality products, innovative design and commitment to using only body-friendly materials.

The YOOO (pronounced like “You”) is a recent addition to Fun Factory’s collection of sex toys that win on form and function. Each “O” in the product’s name stands for one of the three O-shaped balls or bubbles.

Although this toy resembles Micky Mouse’s ears or a video game joystick, the YOOO was made with 100% medical-grade silicone and was clearly designed for discriminating adult consumers.

The dual motors allow the toy to be stronger than most products of a comparable size and provide a variety of pleasure sensations. The toy is easy to charge and operate. When you get your YOOO, charge it as soon as you can since for its initial charge, it’s recommended that you connect it for 12 hours. (I don’t know why that is, but I just view it like when I get a new cell phone. One overnight charge = good to go!)

The product comes with a Fun Magnetic Plug that allows you to charge it with just a click of the magnets. (Match the words, “Fun Factory,” on the magnetic plug with the same words on the top of the YOOO and you’re all set.)

Once the toy has been charged, press the “+” sign firmly to turn the YOOO on and continue to press that button to increase the toy’s vibrations. If you’d like an added surge of intensity, hold the “*” button down firmly, and you will feel the effects of the power boost. If you’d like to decrease the vibrations, press the “-“ button and hold that button down for a second or two firmly to turn off the YOOO.

Three balls and two motors might make you think that this toy is for dual stimulation. It is, but the stimulation is external, rather than internal.

“What does that mean?” you might be wondering.

Well, a female can use this toy on her clit and the lips of her pussy, or her pussy lips and the exterior of her ass. A man can use the toy on his perineum (the sensitive spot between the base of his cock below his balls and above his ass) and the exterior of his ass. A guy can also put his shaft between the two balls to add vibrations to a hand job, blow job or masturbation.

This toy offers eight speeds of vibrations so I highly recommend it for toy newbies and toy aficionados. If you’re a woman who achieves orgasms regularly from a wand and has become desensitized to clitoral orgasms from other means, I advise taking a break from your wand for several days to maximize your enjoyment from the YOOO. Wands have stronger vibrations, but the YOOO’s two motors with the turbo boost allow for a distinctly different experience that’s worth the ride!

Since this product looks like a children’s toy, it’s perfect for those of you with little ones at home. On the noise front, the YOOO’s vibrations resemble a low-pitched hum, rather than a high-pitched squeal or loud jack-hammer. I thus regard the toy as relatively quiet. Even on its highest setting, your roommate, neighbor or family shouldn’t hear you.

Given its versatility, the YOOO excels as a toy for couples. The product won’t intimidate a straight man or someone who hasn’t previously used toys in the bedroom. You can take it into the bath or shower with you since it’s one of the few rechargeable toys that’s waterproof. And, with its three balls and two motors, there are a lot of options when adding the toy into your oral, anal or vaginal sexual routine.

I give Fun Factory’s YOOO Four Squeals of Approval as a solid toy for couples with or without children, toy newbies, people who enjoy water sports, people who live in close quarters, and women who prefer moderate external stimulation.

Try it. YOOO might like it!

The YOOO retails for $99.90.

Pursuant to FCC Guidelines, I received the YOOO from Fun Factory free of charge in exchange for my honest assessment of the product.
 

What’s my number?

At brunch yesterday, a friend relayed the following story to me:

So, Joe [a mutual friend] and I were having dinner in Rockville, and the table next to us starting talking about your blog.

Me: Really?!? [We laugh out loud a bit.] Do we know this group?

Friend: No. There were four girls in their early 20s. Neither Joe nor I had seen them before, and they didn’t know anything about you beyond your blog. So…they were saying how you must be promiscuous because you write about sex. [We laugh some more.] One girl commented that she had been with five guys. Two girls commented that they had slept with around 25 guys a piece, and the last girl to speak said:

I’ve been with 130 guys. City Girl is a sex blogger so she’s probably slept with like ten times more people than I have!

When Joe and I heard that, we couldn’t stop laughing hysterically. The server finally stopped coming over to our table because she didn't know what was happening. The girls went back and forth for over an hour, debating how many guys you had been with and the fact that ten times 130 guys sounded about right.

1,300 guys?!?

Are you kidding me?

If you can laugh out loud and be speechless at the same time, picture me responding in such a fashion.

What have I disclosed by writing this blog?

I’m comfortable talking about sex and sexuality.

I enjoy sex and prioritize my sexual health.

I’m not a saint, but I’m neither a sex addict nor a sex worker.

I’ve gone entire years in which I’ve been in monogamous relationships or I’ve chosen not to have sex with a new partner until I had gotten over a past relationship.

Sorry to disappoint you, ladies, but I haven’t been with 1,000 guys. I haven’t even slept with 100 guys.

I do believe that the girls’ conversation provides an interesting commentary about female sexuality. There is a common misperception that a female who enjoys sex is promiscuous. If a man has a lot of partners, his behavior is tolerated at a minimum or revered at a maximum. If a woman has a lot of partners, she is a “slut” and isn’t worthy of being in a relationship.

In AskMen.com’s Great American Male survey, 35% of guys surveyed believe that a woman who has slept with 10 or more partners is promiscuous. Why isn’t a woman’s magazine polling females about the number of partners a man can have before he is seen as promiscuous? Maybe because that wouldn't make for interesting reading! It's expected that guys will have more partners than women, but I wonder with whom are they supposed to be getting all this manly experience?

We might not be able to control that a double standard exists and that female sexuality is condemned, while male sexuality is condoned, but we can make a conscious decision not to perpetuate the stereotype.

I talk about sex.

I write about sex.

I enjoy learning about sex.

I educate others about sex.

I have sex, and I love it!

If my comfort with my sexuality causes people to make assumptions about my lifestyle and the number of partners I've had, then I accept that on a personal level. However, I don't accept the misperceptions about female sexuality on a societal level. Each of us — male or female — deserves to feel comfortable in our own skin. Each of us — male or female — deserves to have a healthy sex life. From losing one's virginity to exploring one's sexual fantasies to masturbation to the number of partners, isn't it time for greater acceptance of and communication about everyone's sexuality, irrespective of gender or orientation?

I’ve been honest about the mistakes I’ve made in the past, but I don’t have a problem with the number of partners that I’ve had. And, whether you have yet to have sex or have been with 130 partners, I’ll do my best to support the decisions you've made about your life. We can try to raise each other up and debunk the myths and misperceptions about female sexuality or not. I’ve made my choice. What’s yours?

How do you define promiscuity and what are your thoughts about the double standard that exists with respect to female sexuality?

In the Den

Question: What do you get when you mix one sex doctor and one sex blogger?

Answer: A really great time!

I met Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus (otherwise known as Dr. Jenn) at the annual American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) conference in San Diego, California. Her presentation, “Put The Fun Back Into Sexual Function: How Positive Psychology Can Enhance The Sex Field,” was my favorite session of the weekend! She’s a dynamic and knowledgeable speaker, which unfortunately isn’t the norm at these types of events.

Although the conference was enjoyable, getting to know Jenn over the next several days was the true highlight of my time in San Diego. I went to a presentation, and I left with a friend. For that, I’m so thankful.

If you’re looking for accurate information on sex, intimacy, relationships, sexual health, and communication, make sure to check out her blog, In Dr. Jenn’s Den: Sexuality Outside The Box, and videos.

My interview with Dr. Jenn is below. Keep watching after the credits for an outtake that had me laughing out loud and shaking my head — at my own antics!

 

A bad first time

It’s Hump Day so let’s tackle a sex question from a reader:

My boyfriend thinks since the first time we had sex was awkward, it means we may not be sexually compatible. His thoughts are causing issues in the relationship, as I'm very sexual, and it’s made our recent re-attempts for sex awkward, too. How can I tell him to relax?

Answer: Thanks for your question! I think this issue is fairly common since there’s a lot of pressure placed on relationship “firsts.” The first date, the first kiss, the first time you have sex and the first vacation are all supposed to be perfect. The reality is, though, that nothing and no one are truly perfect in life or love. Given that this was your first time with your boyfriend, the awkwardness might have just stemmed from first time jitters.

It’s a good sign that you and your boyfriend are communicating, even if that communication has temporarily caused the sexual dynamic between you two to be uncomfortable. It’s important to continue communicating about your likes and dislikes – in and out of the bedroom – to get over this hump. If you’re a sexual person, then it shouldn’t be too difficult to figure out what he enjoys and the techniques and pace he prefers.

Likewise, I think it’s okay to acknowledge that every time you both have sex won’t be amazing. Factors such as sleep, stress, physical health, age, emotional health, time of day, alcohol consumption and medicinal side effects may all play a role in sex drive and sexual performance.

By your use of the term, “boyfriend,” you both appear to have made a commitment to each other prior to engaging in sex. I don’t know how long you have been dating, but the fact that you took your time to have sex until after a solid connection was formed says something about what you and your boyfriend value. Focus on what drew you to each other in the first place and try to replicate those activities on your next dates. Vary the place, positions and time of day when you have sex. Try it with or without alcohol or ambiance. Bring a fun book of different positions, adult video or Kama Sutra kit into the bedroom. You can even take a step back and just please each other orally before attempting to have vaginal sex again.

I would focus less on the fact that he needs to relax and more on the fact that you both need to be open and accepting of the other person. Sexually compatibility is a skill that can be improved upon with desire and communication. View this as a minor problem that you both can tackle head on together!

I don’t know the details of your relationship beyond what you included in the question so I wonder how old you and your boyfriend are. Priorities for people (typically, but not exclusively, boys) in high school and college may be different than those adults who are looking for something solid and long-term. If you fall in this age group and are looking for a relationship that isn’t just based on sexual compatibility, let your boyfriend’s words and actions be your guide as to whether he is on the same page as you are.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Anything to add, readers?

Have a question for me? Ask me anything anonymously on Formspring!

Waving my magic body wand

I was excited when Fascinations at Fun Love asked me to test the XGEN Body Wand.

“How does product testing differ from sex toy reviewing?” you might be wondering.

Well, testing typically occurs when a product: 1) is in the research and development stage and not yet available for sale; or 2) has yet to be placed on the shelves of a particular store. Product testing is less about dollar signs and consumers and more for the manufacturer's and retailer's benefit.

Since Fascinations is now carrying the Body Wand, it seemed like the perfect time to share my write-up with you. For those of you who have read my reviews, you'll notice that my writing style is less narrative and more focused on the relevant facts:

Packaging:

• Clean and simple.
• Aesthetically pleasing.
• Accurate picture and description of the product and its features.
• Indicates that the product is made of “high quality” material. Since the wand is made of body safe polymer, the box should be updated to state that it’s phthalate free and body friendly.

Instructions:

• Con: There weren’t any instructions included. I assume that the product can’t be used in water, but it didn’t say that anywhere.
• Pro: The product is incredibly easy to use. It did take me a few seconds to figure out where to connect the charger, though.

Opening the box:

• The toy has a slight odor to it.
• Much like the packaging, the toy is aesthetically pleasing and simply designed. It shouldn’t intimidate a new toy user or straight male. I like that the company used two basic colors and didn’t try to make the product look phallic.

Charging:

• Love that the wand is rechargeable. I much prefer that to battery-operated or plug-in toys.
• Very easy to charge.
• When the battery is low, the vibrations don’t dwindle down gradually. The toy just dies. That surprised me, especially since it happened while I was using it.

Using the toy:

• Incredibly easy to use and hold. I love how simple the one finger control dial is.
• The company’s claim that the toy is “deceptively powerful” is correct. This toy is great for clitoral stimulation!
• I wish the head was a little more angled so that it was easier to use when lying on my stomach.
• The box states that the toy is “quiet.” I wouldn’t say this is a loud toy, but I don’t consider it particularly quiet either. Every time I used it, there was a high-pitched buzzing sound when I first turned it on.

• For a straight couple’s use: I like the fact that I can keep the wand on low vibrations and place it on my partner’s perineum. (Other products like the Hitachi Magic Wand were too powerful for his liking.)

• For those women who can get desensitized by toys with powerful vibrations, I appreciate the fact that you can achieve orgasms with this wand, but that it’s not as desensitizing as the Hitachi Magic Wand.

• For new toy users, the different settings should help ensure that the toy isn’t overpowering. I’ve read reviews of the Hitachi Magic Wand in which women have found the high setting to be too much for them. The Body Wand’s highest setting is strong enough for an experienced toy user without being overwhelming to a newbie.

Other advantages:

• Portable. This toy is small enough to pack, but powerful to use.
• Cord-free: The Hitachi Magic Wand or comparable products that you have to plug into an outlet can be cumbersome. This wand isn’t.

I would recommend this toy to a friend and will continue to use it.

Note: The XGEN Body Wand Rechargeable retails for $80.99. There’s a plug-in version for $18 less, but if you can afford to pay more than $50 for a toy, it’s worth the added investment for the rechargeable product. There’s much more versatility when you don’t have to worry about a cord and electrical outlet.

I haven’t given a toy my full Five Squeals of Approval in a while, but the XGEN Body Wand deserves it!
This toy is great for couples, singles, new toy users and experienced toy aficionados! A win-Wand-win!

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received this product free of charge in exchange for my honest input.
 

“O” face

Let’s start the week off with a question from Formspring!

Question: My wife does not have an orgasm when I go down on her. She’s told me she likes it, but it only relaxes her. When I was dating, not like I had a line out the door, but I managed to tongue until “O” with the women I performed cunnilingus on. Thoughts?

Answer: Thanks for your question! It sounds like you truly care for your wife and her sexual health, which says a lot about your relationship. The fact that you’re already communicating about your sex lives openly also bodes well for getting down to the heart of the matter (slight pun intended).

If you can, try not to compare your wife to the women you dated before her. There will always be someone who did [fill in the blank] better or more, or someone with whom you had more or less sexual chemistry. Comparisons can often serve as a distraction from really working through an issue in your current relationship. Remember that unlike any other woman you dated in the past, this is your wife. You love each other enough to have made that level of commitment to each other so view this as but a miniscule bump in a long road together.

Since you’ve already opened the lines of communication with your wife, I would continue doing so at a time when you aren’t rushed and sex isn’t expected. I would also broach this topic gently with kind words and reassuring body language (holding her hand or putting your arm around her back, for example).

Have you asked her if she has achieved orgasm before? Not all women have. If she has reached orgasm from other activities before, has she been able to orgasm from oral alone? Have you asked her what, if anything, you can do to help her orgasm?

If she’s never reached orgasm by herself or with a partner, I would suggest buying her a small toy and encouraging her to spend some quality time with herself on her own. (My advice to women in search of their first orgasm is in this post.) Then, when she feels comfortable, you can join in on the fun.

If she can reach orgasm from oral sex, it’s worth finding out what works for her. Are either of you feeling rushed because of stress, other obligations or fatigue? If so, can you both make an effort to find a better time to be intimate with each other? Does she need a lot of foreplay before you focus on her clit? Does she need more fantasy or a certain romantic mood to be set? Do slow strokes or fast strokes work better for her? Does she like her pussy or ass to be simultaneously stimulated? If so, does she prefer a finger or two or a small toy? I’ve written posts about going down (or staying down, as I prefer to call it) on a woman before, and this one in particular might provide some helpful tips.

On the chance that your wife is unable to orgasm at all, gently guide her toward asking her gynecologist for a referral to a doctor that deals with sexual health issues. 16% of women suffer from vaginal pain conditions, and these conditions significantly limit their ability to enjoy sex. (I’m including oral sex in this category, although each woman is different.) Endometriosis can also make it difficult to reach orgasm. Or, there might be emotional issues that she’s dealing with or unable to process that require the assistance of a therapist.

Without knowing your home life, some women who are juggling careers and family have indicated to me that sex is the last thing on their minds. (I’ve had more than one reader comment that at the end of a long day, she just wants a little help with the children, a glass of wine and a bubble bath.) If it’s been tough for you both to prioritize yourselves as a couple, take some time to do that. Check out my tips to reconnecting with your partner.

Whatever happens, good luck to you and your wife and please keep me posted.

Okay, readers, did I miss anything?

Have a relationship, adult toy or sex question for me? Ask me anything on Formspring like this reader did! xoxo