The words, “A hot date with my vagina,” stood out to me like a beacon in my Facebook news feed. As I read more, I learned that a San Diego reporter had interviewed my friend, Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, about meditative or mindful masturbation.

For those who aren’t aware of the concept of mindfulness, Psychology Today defines it as:

A state of active, open attention on the present. When you’re mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.

How does mindfulness relate to masturbation?

As Dr. Jenn explains on her website and in the interview, the goal of meditative masturbation is to treat yourself lovingly like your treat your partner. Women are encouraged to take their time and focus on pleasuring all five senses. The reporter, Alex Zaragoza, describes in the remainder of the article how she wined and dined herself – and her vagina – with the help of Dr. Jenn’s audio guide to meditative masturbation.

I had heard of mindfulness from another friend in California a few years ago. With respect to sex and masturbation, I think meditative masturbation is especially beneficial for those who are unaware of their bodies or view their sexuality in a negative light.

Since both of my friends who practice mindfulness live in California, I started to think about being present in terms of an East Coast/West Coast divide. (It’s like the hip-hop rivalry of the 90s, but with far less loss and great music.)

In DC, the pace is so fast that the majority of my circle is used to juggling several things at once effectively. Time is a commodity that many of us unfortunately don’t have. The recent Nerve.com study evidences that point. Research indicates that the average sex session in Washington, DC lasts slightly over two minutes.

The legal community measures an hour in six-minute increments. The news industry relays stories in a matter of seconds. A local sex boutique indicated that the small and quiet Lelo Nea was a popular pick for DC women in court and on the Hill. These women would use the toy during bathroom breaks to provide some stress relief to their twelve-hour days. If the typical DC woman knows her body so well that she can reach orgasm quickly, that shouldn’t be regarded as a bad thing!

One friend in media joked that DC women are focused on impatient masturbation, rather than meditative masturbation. We need to sleep, go back to work, head to an event, or tend to our children. The goal here is to maximize productivity in the allotted time, not engage in a lengthy sensory experience. Nonetheless, a woman must have a heightened sense of awareness about and comfort with her body to achieve this. Maybe mindfulness and a short masturbation session aren’t mutually exclusive?

Apparently, the need for time efficiency translates into other arenas beyond the masturbatory arts. In discussing the article with my hairdresser, he shared his experience from years at salons in both Orange County and DC. In DC, the average woman arrives at his salon after work and wants to be out with highlights, a cut and blow dry in less than two and a half hours. By contrast, his clients in Southern California made a day out of the experience and would let him know that he was rushing them if they were done in less than four hours. At the end of the visit, though, both the California woman and the DC woman are leaving his salons with what they want in the manner that they want it!

Assuming that a woman knows her body and how to please herself, there’s no right or wrong. Take your time. Get down to business. Or, find some balance between the two. The goal here is to explore and enjoy!

So, what are your thoughts on mindful masturbation? Have you knowingly or unknowingly tried it? How do you approach self-intimacy?

It’s time to answer a reader’s question!

Question: So, I have a small issue with my boyfriend, and I’m hoping you could help me. Well, we’re in college, and we've been together for about six months now. Every time we have sex, he can’t get off unless he jerks off while watching me play with myself. I can’t help but think it’s me, but he constantly says it isn’t and that it has nothing to do with me. I don’t know if it really is me or if he just has a problem. He’s been to the doctor, and they’ve said it’s nothing. Help me!

Answer: I have several thoughts. First, it’s not uncommon for women to assume that they’re the cause of relationship problems, especially those that occur in the bedroom. Try if you can to not fall into that pattern. Remind yourself that whatever your boyfriend is processing likely has nothing to do with you. That doesn’t mean that you can’t help him try to get to the root of the problem or find solutions for it, though, as you’re currently doing.

Secondly, I’m wondering what type of doctor he visited and if it was really about this problem. Knowing how doctors and patients are often reluctant to talk about sex, I have a hard time imagining a college-aged male either going to a doctor about this issue or bringing it up in an unrelated appointment. 

Since he's able to get off, I don't think the problem is hormonal, although I'm not a licensed health care professional. My initial thought when I read your question was that your boyfriend might be so used to masturbating that he has trouble reaching orgasm without doing so. I would recommend that he stop masturbating for a month. If he enjoys watching porn, I also advise that he stop doing so. That might make it easier for him to come when he is having sex with you.

Another idea is that 75% of women can’t orgasm during vaginal sex without clitoral stimulation. It’s possible that your boyfriend feels as though mutual masturbation is more likely to please both of you or that he doesn’t feel entirely comfortable having sex or pleasing you. That’s normal for people of any age, but especially those in college. How much have you talked about what turns you on, fantasies and what you enjoy the most sexually? Opening the lines of communication might improve your relationship emotionally and physically.

Finally, is there anything that would cause him to view sex in a negative way? Is he or his family very religious or conservative? Is it possible that he’s been a victim of sexual abuse? If the other suggestions don’t work, it might be worth asking him generally if he feels guilty or shameful about sex. If there are deeper issues that he's processing, he might need to speak with a therapist or trusted love one.

I hope that this is just a phase and that the situation improves in short order. Good luck!

Okay, readers, what did I miss?

Have you or your partner ever dealt with something like this?