Glass Half Full

Found out I’m in remission, but I’m not that happy.

When I saw those words appear in my Twitter feed, I immediately replied to my friend:

I’m grateful that you are done with treatment, but I get it. Call me if you want. Love you!

My telephone rang one minute later.

We talked about how people who haven’t been through it can only sympathize so much, despite their good intentions. I let her know that as someone who loves her, I am thrilled that she’s cancer-free. But, as a fellow cancer survivor, I appreciate all too well that her life doesn’t just return to how it was before her diagnosis.

Our perspectives have changed. Our priorities have changed. And, our relationships have changed.

We faced a "new normal" during treatment, and now, we're adjusting to another "new normal" with the end of treatment. Life is full of trials and tribulations like this but that doesn’t mean that they are easy to process or for others in our age group to understand.

I have always been cognizant of and thankful for the many blessings in my life. Even on my lowest days, my glass has been at least half full.

But, when your glass is half full, it’s also half empty. That analogy applies to how I feel like now that I’m done with treatment. I’m elated to be finished with chemotherapy, radiation and herceptin IVs, but the experience still looms over me like a dark cloud in the distance.

1. It’s a hairy situation. Chemotherapy causes the hair on your head to grow at a slower rate than normal. The chemicals also cause most women's hair to curl. Because of how thick and curly my hair is coming in, it’s growing up, rather than down. There’s also a curly, short femullet thing happening.

I have to do more to maintain my hair now than when it was down to the middle of my back. (Before cancer, I went for a blow out once a week, and that was it.) Now, I sit in the chair at the salon with sunglasses on so the other clients don’t see me crying.

I appreciate that to others with perfectly good intentions, the presence of hair on my head makes them more comfortable. But, to me, the presence of a never-ending bad hair day is a constant reminder of what has happened.

There’s also some irony that hair doesn’t return at the same pace all over. One friend and I were kvetching the other day about how we now have more hair on our legs than we've ever had before. And, my old aesthetician is baffled as to why my eyebrow hair is growing like a Chia Pet in some spots, but not in others.

2. Keeping everything in check. One friend was diagnosed with breast cancer in early 2010. She's been in remission for over a year, but she's still in the process of getting reconstructive surgeries. The idea that mastectomies and reconstruction are done in one surgery is false!

I’ll be seeing my oncologist, radiation oncologist and breast surgeon at four-month intervals. I’ll be getting one mammogram a year and one breast MRI a year. The reason for such vigilance is that when you’re diagnosed with breast cancer at a young age, there’s a greater chance of recurrence. I have between a 20-30% chance of breast cancer returning within five years. That percentage could be much higher, but it could also be lower. I can’t give much energy to a distant possibility, but I can’t ignore it either.

During my biopsy in July, my doctors commented that I have a lot of mass and fibrocystic breasts. I reminded myself then that only 2 biopsies out of 13 over the years came back as malignant (cancerous). However, it's highly likely that I will need more biopsies in the future. Being vigilant about health matters is empowering, but worrying about whether cancer has returned is very unpleasant.

3. The change. A year ago this week, I started hemorrhaging. By the end of the month, I was in menopause. I went out of menopause in late July, but my hormones now resemble those of the average teenage girl. I’ve had one period in a year. (For those of you who are wondering, I'm not pregnant. Thankfully.)

4. Ports Ahoy! My medi-port, the small device implanted under my skin through which the doctors administered medicine and took blood, is still in me. The nurses recommended that I keep it in for a while since my veins are so bad. It’s somewhat odd to think that the only reason the medi-port would need to be used is if my cancer returns. (Hey, cancer, go away! Don’t come near me! Better yet, don’t go near anyone anywhere! A girl can dream, right?)

My glass is still more than half full, but it’s a bit of a rude awakening that no longer having cancer doesn’t exactly translate into being done with cancer.

No matter what I go through, I’ve found peace when I focus on others and the cause as a whole.

With that in mind:

If you haven’t felt your boobies this month, please do!

If you find a lump, make an appointment with a breast surgeon!

If you haven’t gotten your annual gynecological appointment yet this year, please schedule one now. Make sure your gynecologist performs a clinical breast exam in addition to a pap smear during that appointment.

If you see any abnormal moles, please call a dermatologist.

Guys, feel your balls and look at your chest, too. Call the doctor if there are any abnormalities or pain.

I care. xoxo

City Girl Blogs logo

A year ago, I launched my new website from Sisarina. The site that Melanie Spring designed still makes me smile. Sisarina has a gift for giving its clients just what they want and need. I also love the logo that we picked through crowdsourcing, as it met my specifications perfectly. My red hair is part of my identity and my brand.

This past week has been filled with a lot of discussions about my professional future and where my brand is going. I’m excited about what lies ahead, although it amazes me that this site has led me to where it has. City Girl Blogs™ is in full effect!

For any of you who may be in need of my official logo for City Girl, City Girl Blogs™ or citygirlblogs.com, here are a few options for you:

City Girl Blogs logo official, City Girl Blogs, citygirlblogs.com

City Girl Blogs logo thumbnail official, citygirlblogs.com, City Girl

All other logos are not endorsed by City Girl Blogs™ and are not authorized for use for any purpose relating to City Girl Blogs™.

A YOOO for you!

A Sex Toy Haiku:

Three balls. Two motors. Magic.
In this Fun Factory toy
The YOOO. Nirvana?

I’ve written about my love of Fun Factory before. The company is internationally renowned for its quality products, innovative design and commitment to using only body-friendly materials.

The YOOO (pronounced like “You”) is a recent addition to Fun Factory’s collection of sex toys that win on form and function. Each “O” in the product’s name stands for one of the three O-shaped balls or bubbles.

Although this toy resembles Micky Mouse’s ears or a video game joystick, the YOOO was made with 100% medical-grade silicone and was clearly designed for discriminating adult consumers.

The dual motors allow the toy to be stronger than most products of a comparable size and provide a variety of pleasure sensations. The toy is easy to charge and operate. When you get your YOOO, charge it as soon as you can since for its initial charge, it’s recommended that you connect it for 12 hours. (I don’t know why that is, but I just view it like when I get a new cell phone. One overnight charge = good to go!)

The product comes with a Fun Magnetic Plug that allows you to charge it with just a click of the magnets. (Match the words, “Fun Factory,” on the magnetic plug with the same words on the top of the YOOO and you’re all set.)

Once the toy has been charged, press the “+” sign firmly to turn the YOOO on and continue to press that button to increase the toy’s vibrations. If you’d like an added surge of intensity, hold the “*” button down firmly, and you will feel the effects of the power boost. If you’d like to decrease the vibrations, press the “-“ button and hold that button down for a second or two firmly to turn off the YOOO.

Three balls and two motors might make you think that this toy is for dual stimulation. It is, but the stimulation is external, rather than internal.

“What does that mean?” you might be wondering.

Well, a female can use this toy on her clit and the lips of her pussy, or her pussy lips and the exterior of her ass. A man can use the toy on his perineum (the sensitive spot between the base of his cock below his balls and above his ass) and the exterior of his ass. A guy can also put his shaft between the two balls to add vibrations to a hand job, blow job or masturbation.

This toy offers eight speeds of vibrations so I highly recommend it for toy newbies and toy aficionados. If you’re a woman who achieves orgasms regularly from a wand and has become desensitized to clitoral orgasms from other means, I advise taking a break from your wand for several days to maximize your enjoyment from the YOOO. Wands have stronger vibrations, but the YOOO’s two motors with the turbo boost allow for a distinctly different experience that’s worth the ride!

Since this product looks like a children’s toy, it’s perfect for those of you with little ones at home. On the noise front, the YOOO’s vibrations resemble a low-pitched hum, rather than a high-pitched squeal or loud jack-hammer. I thus regard the toy as relatively quiet. Even on its highest setting, your roommate, neighbor or family shouldn’t hear you.

Given its versatility, the YOOO excels as a toy for couples. The product won’t intimidate a straight man or someone who hasn’t previously used toys in the bedroom. You can take it into the bath or shower with you since it’s one of the few rechargeable toys that’s waterproof. And, with its three balls and two motors, there are a lot of options when adding the toy into your oral, anal or vaginal sexual routine.

I give Fun Factory’s YOOO Four Squeals of Approval as a solid toy for couples with or without children, toy newbies, people who enjoy water sports, people who live in close quarters, and women who prefer moderate external stimulation.

Try it. YOOO might like it!

The YOOO retails for $99.90.

Pursuant to FCC Guidelines, I received the YOOO from Fun Factory free of charge in exchange for my honest assessment of the product.

Helping a loved one during a health crisis

I've written before about how to show support for a loved one experiencing a health crisis. It's important to acknowledge that this is a difficult time, listen to your loved one, and reach out with a card or email. But, what if you wish to play a more active role in the caregiving process? Here are a few of my suggestions:

1. No Pop Ins. If you’d like to visit a loved one who is dealing with a medical issue, call or text in advance. (Texting is preferable for those who use text messaging since most people have longer or louder rings for telephone calls.) This rule applies whether or not the person is in the hospital or at home.

There are times when your loved one will need and want company. However, there are other times when your loved one will not. Medication side effects, sleeping difficulties, doctors’ appointments, tests and the amount of people already scheduled to visit vary from day-to-day, if not hour-to-hour. If you wish to see the patient, give him or her the right of refusal, thereby ensuring that your visit is about the person who is ill, not you.

2. Check Yo’ Self: When a person is going through a major health issue, the crisis affects all the people in his or her life. You, as a loved one, are entitled to feel sad, angry, confused or any other emotion. You also might not be able to control the other problems in your own life that are impacting you at the same time that your loved one is dealing with a health crisis. Feel whatever you are feeling and process whatever you need to process.

However, try not to burden the loved one with your issues while he or she is fighting his or her own battles. Or, if you feel as though you need to share your emotions with your loved one, ask him or her before unloading. Talking about your problems might be a welcome diversion for your loved one, or it might overwhelm him or her. You won't know unless you ask.

3. Sincerity Counts: If you are willing to help a person in his or her time of need, let him or her know how to get in touch with you. Don’t assume that the person has your number or will have the time or energy to contact you via Facebook or a third party.

4. Specifics Matter: No one person can realistically be there 100% of the time for anyone else. We all have lives and responsibilities. But, if you want to show support for a loved one during a health crisis, think of what you can do.

Are you a night owl and could handle a late request? Do you and your friend both have children and you could help with car pool? Is your work schedule flexible and you could accompany your significant other to the hospital? Are you heading to the grocery store and could pick up a few things and bring them over to your aunt’s house? Are you technologically savvy and could easily install a computer program or new television and show your neighbor how to use it? Do you enjoy baking and could leave some food in front of your friend's dorm room?

Think of what works for you, your skills, your schedule. Then think about what your loved one needs and throw out a few specific suggestions. Your thoughtfulness will be appreciated!

5. Help or Company: When some people are experiencing a health crisis, they just want company. Having someone close to eat with, talk to or watch television is all that’s needed. This is often the case when the patient is staying in a medical facility.

Other people will be in need of actual help. Help might consist of rides to treatment, picking up medication from the pharmacy, getting mail, or assistance with pets or children. Are you more of a caregiver or a companion? There are benefits to both, and it might be useful to the person going through the medical issue to know what to expect in advance of your arrival.

Sometimes a patient might just want to talk, while other times, he or she might need actual help and find company draining. If you are more of a “companion,” try to be as self-sufficient as possible. Bring food and drinks with you or ask for permission to peruse your loved one’s kitchen so that he or she doesn’t need to keep getting up and down. Limit your visits to one hour, unless he or she requests for you to stay longer. If the patient is in the hospital, respect visiting hours and automatically excuse yourself when the doctors perform their rounds. Don't assume that your loved one wants you in the room for any discussions with his or her medical team.

If you are visiting from out-of-town, discuss the purpose of your visit and your loved one's needs in advance of your arrival. Do what you can to ensure that your trip goes well and that your loved one doesn't need to entertain you.

I'll be writing more about this topic, but I'd love to hear your thoughts about what I mentioned, what I missed, and what has worked for you and your loved ones. xoxo

The light

There’s a light bulb, brightly illuminating the room that represents my life.

When my mom died in 1997, that light dimmed. Permanently.

Everyone experiences grief and loss differently, but that’s how I see it. I still get excited about all that life has to offer, and I can laugh and smile with the best of them. But, my smile is slightly narrower and my laugh is just a touch softer without my mom in my life.

As I’ve reflected on the past 15 months, I've realized that I knew from early on in my diagnosis that I would do what I could to raise breast cancer awareness and funds for research, treatment and advocacy organizations. My diagnosis enhanced and enriched my life.

I didn’t need chemotherapy to fulfill that mission, though. Nonetheless, I was forced to receive six treatments and 20 more IVs to deal with the side effects.

I look in the mirror, and I still don’t see me.

“It’s a new you,” a friend told me.

“No, this isn’t me,” I replied.

It took me a few weeks to figure out exactly why I have such a visceral response to comments about my short hair. And, then I saw the light, or rather, the light analogy. The light in the room has dimmed again, and somewhat surprisingly, chemotherapy, not cancer, was the cause.

Three years from now, my long hair will be back, but I won’t regain what chemotherapy took from me.

“That doesn’t mean that life isn’t good, right?” a friend inquired.

“Of course it is! I’m thankful this was caught early. I’m grateful for all the blessings that I have. And, I know what I’m meant to do with my life and who my real friends are. I love the wisdom and the clarity piece, but I can’t go back to the person I was before,” I explain.

The logical side of my brain knows that everything happens for a reason. I am the person that I’m supposed to be at this time in my life. But, my heart and my vanity really wish I could have skipped this life lesson.

The light has dimmed again.

However, given the aggressive strain of cancer that I had, I will always be appreciative of the fact that the light is still on at all.

The chemotherapy drugs may still be coming out of my system, but when it comes to dealing with my cancer, it’s time to close that chapter of my life. There is still – and always – much to celebrate.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support. Your comments, Tweets and emails have meant more to me than words can adequately express. (Yes, I’ve said that before, but it bears repeating.) xoxo

She loves him

He told her that he loved her, and she stared at him. Words escaped her, as her brow furrowed slightly and her eyes squinted in confusion.

She considered him a friend. Granted, he was a dear friend, a friend with whom she had been intimate. But, she had never viewed him as more than a friend.

He had been there for her through surgeries, chemotherapy, hemorrhaging, the range of emotions while on steroids, temporary amnesia, and menopause. He made her feel cared for and safe.

And, then, when she began radiation, he pulled away from her. He claimed that he was focused on work, but it crossed her mind that maybe it was more than that. She hadn't intentionally taken him for granted, but the fact that she had chosen other guys over him might have taken its toll.

As his heart began to close, her heart started to open.

Four months after he told her that he loved her, she said those words to him. He responded in a slightly-raised voice:

No, you don’t!

She assured him that she did, but he insisted that she just thought that she did. She apologized for the mistakes she had made. She acknowledged that everything about the past year had been intense, and that she hadn't acted with a lot of clarity and respect where he was concerned. She explained to him how she knew that she had fallen in love with him. But, that wasn’t enough to convince him.

He compared their relationship to her “relationship” with his best friend.

“But you and I are nothing like he and I were,” she implored him.

Before they fell asleep, as they held each other close, she shared:

I had wanted to fall for him, but I didn’t. And, I didn’t want to fall for you, but I did.

He kissed her. When her closest relative had to go through major surgery, he was there for her. And, when her doctor told her that there was a 50% chance that her cancer had returned, he was there for her again.

There were moments when she wondered if this — they — could work. But, at the end of the day, he wants to move overseas, and she wants to stay in DC. She would like to start a family, and although she assumes that he doesn’t, she’s never asked him.

A few mutual friends commented that they envision the two of them together. She sighed and responded:

I love him. And, I would love to be with him until he moves overseas or I adopt. But, I'm ready for something stable and exclusive, and he wants to focus on his career and have the freedom to sleep with other people. And, I honestly don’t know that I see us being partners or anything in the long-term. Maybe down the road? Or, maybe, this was our journey together. [She pauses.] Years from now, when he’s back in DC and I see him on the street, I’ll approach him with a big smile and a long hug and say, 'Thank you for making the toughest year of my life much, much easier.' And, when we part, I’ll think to myself that he will always hold a special place in my heart.

Sometimes love is that simple…and that complicated.

What’s my number?

At brunch yesterday, a friend relayed the following story to me:

So, Joe [a mutual friend] and I were having dinner in Rockville, and the table next to us starting talking about your blog.

Me: Really?!? [We laugh out loud a bit.] Do we know this group?

Friend: No. There were four girls in their early 20s. Neither Joe nor I had seen them before, and they didn’t know anything about you beyond your blog. So…they were saying how you must be promiscuous because you write about sex. [We laugh some more.] One girl commented that she had been with five guys. Two girls commented that they had slept with around 25 guys a piece, and the last girl to speak said:

I’ve been with 130 guys. City Girl is a sex blogger so she’s probably slept with like ten times more people than I have!

When Joe and I heard that, we couldn’t stop laughing hysterically. The server finally stopped coming over to our table because she didn't know what was happening. The girls went back and forth for over an hour, debating how many guys you had been with and the fact that ten times 130 guys sounded about right.

1,300 guys?!?

Are you kidding me?

If you can laugh out loud and be speechless at the same time, picture me responding in such a fashion.

What have I disclosed by writing this blog?

I’m comfortable talking about sex and sexuality.

I enjoy sex and prioritize my sexual health.

I’m not a saint, but I’m neither a sex addict nor a sex worker.

I’ve gone entire years in which I’ve been in monogamous relationships or I’ve chosen not to have sex with a new partner until I had gotten over a past relationship.

Sorry to disappoint you, ladies, but I haven’t been with 1,000 guys. I haven’t even slept with 100 guys.

I do believe that the girls’ conversation provides an interesting commentary about female sexuality. There is a common misperception that a female who enjoys sex is promiscuous. If a man has a lot of partners, his behavior is tolerated at a minimum or revered at a maximum. If a woman has a lot of partners, she is a “slut” and isn’t worthy of being in a relationship.

In AskMen.com’s Great American Male survey, 35% of guys surveyed believe that a woman who has slept with 10 or more partners is promiscuous. Why isn’t a woman’s magazine polling females about the number of partners a man can have before he is seen as promiscuous? Maybe because that wouldn't make for interesting reading! It's expected that guys will have more partners than women, but I wonder with whom are they supposed to be getting all this manly experience?

We might not be able to control that a double standard exists and that female sexuality is condemned, while male sexuality is condoned, but we can make a conscious decision not to perpetuate the stereotype.

I talk about sex.

I write about sex.

I enjoy learning about sex.

I educate others about sex.

I have sex, and I love it!

If my comfort with my sexuality causes people to make assumptions about my lifestyle and the number of partners I've had, then I accept that on a personal level. However, I don't accept the misperceptions about female sexuality on a societal level. Each of us — male or female — deserves to feel comfortable in our own skin. Each of us — male or female — deserves to have a healthy sex life. From losing one's virginity to exploring one's sexual fantasies to masturbation to the number of partners, isn't it time for greater acceptance of and communication about everyone's sexuality, irrespective of gender or orientation?

I’ve been honest about the mistakes I’ve made in the past, but I don’t have a problem with the number of partners that I’ve had. And, whether you have yet to have sex or have been with 130 partners, I’ll do my best to support the decisions you've made about your life. We can try to raise each other up and debunk the myths and misperceptions about female sexuality or not. I’ve made my choice. What’s yours?

How do you define promiscuity and what are your thoughts about the double standard that exists with respect to female sexuality?

Who pays for dates?

TGIFormspring?!? It’s time to answer a reader’s question:

What's your recommendation when it comes to paying for dates? I get the first, the second, but if you are into a guy, is there a point when you should offer to pay (or at least pay for half) so that you don't seem like a gold digger?

Answer: This is a great question! It might be easier to solve the Riddle of the Sphinx than figure out who should pay for a date, though. In a discussion a few weeks ago with friends at Lincoln, several women were adamant that a guy should pay all of the time, unless the female was taking the guy out to celebrate a special occasion. They reasoned that the guy wants to feel useful and show that he's a good provider. One man in the group adamantly disagreed, viewing this as a feminist issue. In his opinion, the cost of dates should be split 50/50 to ensure an equal power dynamic.

I posed variations of your question on Formspring, and the general consensus was that whoever asks the other person out on a date should pay. A few women chimed in that they hope that the man pays for the first date as a sign of his genuine interest, but then the person who does the asking should pay. A male friend commented offline that he feels like there are women who expect the guy to always pay for dates, and that it’s nice to have the woman pay for an evening once in a while.

For most of my dating life, I’ve been the type of woman to offer to pay, but yet I judge a guy a bit if he allows me to pay for half of the bill. (I think some of that has to do with the fact that I don’t drink so if the bill is split, then I end up paying more than my share. But, I don’t want to squabble on a first date over $5 or $10, and I had viewed this as a feminist issue.)

I’ve changed that mode recently, though. I've realized that when I’ve truly cared about a guy, I’ve always invested more in the relationship in every sense of the word. I’m not interested in repeating that pattern again. Initially, I’d like to be courted a bit, and then if I make it to a fourth or fifth date with a new man, I’ll take him out somewhere nice. I’m not offering to pay my way, but rather just saying thank you in person and later by text. (For those who are wondering, these guys asked me out so it does follow the notion of “Whoever asks should pay.”) I feel more comfortable in this mode than I felt offering to go dutch.

Since your question assumed that the guy will pay for the first two dates, I think you can ask him out or arrange a fun evening for the two of you in your first month of dating and then pay for that date. It's worth noting that a woman who expects a man who asks her out to pay for the date isn’t a gold digger. Most guys will be able to sense if a woman is trying to take advantage of him because of his money, as those traits will often exhibit themselves in other arenas beyond who pays for dinner at the end of the night.

If you have the expectation that the guy will be paying for the first few dates (and that’s not necessarily the wrong expectation to have, depending on who does the asking), there will be some level of comfort between you two after several dates. It’s possible to ask at that point how he feels about the “Who should pay on a date” issue. Likewise, you’ll know more about his general financial situation and whether it makes sense for you to contribute more when you’re together. (If he’s in graduate school and you have a steady job, you might be more inclined to contribute more than if you’re making significantly less than he is. If he makes significantly more than you do, then my male friend's idea of taking him out now and then should be especially well-received.)

Based on Facebook comments, people are very passionate about this issue.

So, folks, how do you deal (or how have you dealt when you were dating) with the issue of “Who pays?” What suggestions would you give this reader?

In the Den

Question: What do you get when you mix one sex doctor and one sex blogger?

Answer: A really great time!

I met Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus (otherwise known as Dr. Jenn) at the annual American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) conference in San Diego, California. Her presentation, “Put The Fun Back Into Sexual Function: How Positive Psychology Can Enhance The Sex Field,” was my favorite session of the weekend! She’s a dynamic and knowledgeable speaker, which unfortunately isn’t the norm at these types of events.

Although the conference was enjoyable, getting to know Jenn over the next several days was the true highlight of my time in San Diego. I went to a presentation, and I left with a friend. For that, I’m so thankful.

If you’re looking for accurate information on sex, intimacy, relationships, sexual health, and communication, make sure to check out her blog, In Dr. Jenn’s Den: Sexuality Outside The Box, and videos.

My interview with Dr. Jenn is below. Keep watching after the credits for an outtake that had me laughing out loud and shaking my head — at my own antics!

A bad first time

It’s Hump Day so let’s tackle a sex question from a reader:

My boyfriend thinks since the first time we had sex was awkward, it means we may not be sexually compatible. His thoughts are causing issues in the relationship, as I'm very sexual, and it’s made our recent re-attempts for sex awkward, too. How can I tell him to relax?

Answer: Thanks for your question! I think this issue is fairly common since there’s a lot of pressure placed on relationship “firsts.” The first date, the first kiss, the first time you have sex and the first vacation are all supposed to be perfect. The reality is, though, that nothing and no one are truly perfect in life or love. Given that this was your first time with your boyfriend, the awkwardness might have just stemmed from first time jitters.

It’s a good sign that you and your boyfriend are communicating, even if that communication has temporarily caused the sexual dynamic between you two to be uncomfortable. It’s important to continue communicating about your likes and dislikes – in and out of the bedroom – to get over this hump. If you’re a sexual person, then it shouldn’t be too difficult to figure out what he enjoys and the techniques and pace he prefers.

Likewise, I think it’s okay to acknowledge that every time you both have sex won’t be amazing. Factors such as sleep, stress, physical health, age, emotional health, time of day, alcohol consumption and medicinal side effects may all play a role in sex drive and sexual performance.

By your use of the term, “boyfriend,” you both appear to have made a commitment to each other prior to engaging in sex. I don’t know how long you have been dating, but the fact that you took your time to have sex until after a solid connection was formed says something about what you and your boyfriend value. Focus on what drew you to each other in the first place and try to replicate those activities on your next dates. Vary the place, positions and time of day when you have sex. Try it with or without alcohol or ambiance. Bring a fun book of different positions, adult video or Kama Sutra kit into the bedroom. You can even take a step back and just please each other orally before attempting to have vaginal sex again.

I would focus less on the fact that he needs to relax and more on the fact that you both need to be open and accepting of the other person. Sexually compatibility is a skill that can be improved upon with desire and communication. View this as a minor problem that you both can tackle head on together!

I don’t know the details of your relationship beyond what you included in the question so I wonder how old you and your boyfriend are. Priorities for people (typically, but not exclusively, boys) in high school and college may be different than those adults who are looking for something solid and long-term. If you fall in this age group and are looking for a relationship that isn’t just based on sexual compatibility, let your boyfriend’s words and actions be your guide as to whether he is on the same page as you are.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Anything to add, readers?

Have a question for me? Ask me anything anonymously on Formspring!