Ask (the Lelo) Siri

When I saw, “Ask Siri About Sex,” on my Twitter stream, I initially thought it was a typographical error. I was bothered that Suri was growing up so quickly. Her love of high heels is one thing, but publicly talking about sex?!?

I clicked on the link and laughed out loud, as I learned about the iPhone Siri. Once I realized that there was a new technology application called Siri, the attorney in me wondered what Lelo, the award-winning adult toy company, thought about it.

See, Lelo had come out with an incredibly powerful intimate massager named Siri in 2010 — long before Apple introduced its own version of Siri. As Lelo describes in the company’s open letter to Apple:

Siri will become a term that defines the best of both worlds – Apple representing business and Lelo representing pleasure.

I finally got my hands on a Siri, and readers, you’ll be asking this toy for so much more than you’ll ask the Siri app.

Most small sex toys are designed for those who occasionally use sex toys and don’t require a lot of power and vibration. They’re made with cheap (and often potentially toxic) materials and don’t last very long. And, their shapes and colors don’t lend themselves to being brought into the bedroom with a partner.

"I want you so much, baby. Now let me go grab my lipstick vibrator. Or, do you want the dolphin or Hello Kitty this time?"

As a seasoned *cough* toy user and reviewer, I look for certain elements in an adult product:

Is it free of potentially toxic phthalates and body safe?

Could the toy work for both a woman battling illness or very sensitive to clitoral stimulation, as well as a woman who prefers very powerful vibrations?

Is the product quiet enough so that neighbors, roommates or family members won’t hear?

Would a woman be embarrassed if airport security, her mother or her child found it? (AKA Does it look like a sex toy?)

Can the product be used in the bedroom with your partner?

Will this toy last and not break after a dozen uses?

Lelo’s Siri fits the bill for all of these and more!

As with all Lelo products, Siri is body friendly and ergonomically friendly. Press the “+” sign to turn it on. Keep pressing that button to increase intensity. Press the “-“ sign to decrease vibrations or hold that button for several seconds to turn it off. The arrows can change the pulse or speed of the vibrations for different sensations.

On the lowest level, the product is perfect for those women who are hypersensitive or who are recovering from illness. On the highest level (six), the toy will satisfy the more discriminating consumer.

Siri is quiet, fits in the palm of your hand, and doesn’t look like a sex toy. It’s actually designed as a personal massager so it can work all over your body. Siri isn’t meant for internal use, though, so stick to external stimulation.

Use Siri on your clit, the outside of your pussy, your nipples or the outside of your anus. Try the Siri at different angles since you might prefer the side of the toy more or less than the large tip (where the color is).

The Siri can also be used with your partner. Hold it against your clit while you’re on top of your partner or he’s behind you. Place Siri on the bottom side of your man’s shaft or rub it against his perineum (the spot between his balls and anus) during a hand job or oral sex. Or, hold the toy on light vibrations against his balls while you’re having sex.

After a two-hour charge, you can use the toy for at least four hours. You won’t have to worry about the Siri dying just as you are revving up!

The Siri comes with a one-year warranty and retails for $99. I haven’t given a toy a full Five Squeals out of Five* in a while, but this one deserves it.

The only thing you need to ask is how soon can it be shipped to you!

Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received the Siri free of charge in exchange for my honest assessment of the product.

*City Girl's Squeals of Approval Chart:

One Squeal: Bad. This toy is not worth your money. Do not pass go! Do not pay $2, let alone $200.
Two Squeals: Slightly Sub-Par. You won't hate this toy, but you won't necessarily like it either.
Three Squeals: Average/Good. This toy might not be the most innovative or satisfying, but it serves its purpose.
Four Squeals: Very good. A strong sex toy with minimal negatives that will be part of your regular line-up.
Five Squeals: Great. No toy does it better!

The ‘C’ Cup Clarification

I realized that I threw a lot of information at you in my post earlier this week about mastectomies and reconstruction. For a year and a half, my world has revolved around breast cancer. That thankfully isn't the case for 99% of you.

To clarify, I do not have a choice about whether or not I have immediate reconstruction after getting mastectomies. The doctor – who specializes in breast reconstruction – does not recommend that I get immediate reconstruction because of: 1) the increased risk of infection; 2) the concern that I would lose blood flow to one side of my right breast because of the scars from my previous four surgeries; and 3) the fact that most women who decide on immediate reconstruction still require a second surgery.

So what choices do I have?

1. Do I get the surgeries at all? Can I do nothing? I guess so. But, there are legitimate reasons why my oncologists and breast surgeons would advise against the wait and see approach.

I wasn’t able to tolerate hormonal therapy for five days, let alone five years. That therapy would have cut my risk of recurrence in half.

I’ve had seven breast biopsies since June 2010 alone. My breasts are fibrocystic and dense with a lot of calcifications. There’s no crystal ball to tell me whether or not my cancer will return, but there’s no doubt that I will need more biopsies.

I have a 30% risk of recurrence within the next four years and a higher risk than the average person after that. My health has rarely fallen within what’s typical. If I’m meant to get cancer again, I will, but I don’t want to question whether or not I could have done more to prevent a recurrence.

The only reason I won’t get the surgeries is if my internist and neurosurgeon are both in agreement that doing so would significantly increase the chance of complications with respect to my other health conditions. My doctors are great about working together as a team so I’ll let them figure this out next month.

2. When do I get the surgeries? I could get the surgeries as soon as possible and miss several weeks of class. But, I love teaching, and I want to do more of it. It doesn’t seem wise for me to take an extended leave for a surgery that I don’t have to get right away. (That’s a huge benefit to being cancer-free.)

Several readers’ comments about cup size got me thinking about the following hypothetical:

If the surgeon had said that I was a candidate for immediate reconstruction, would I have gone through with that surgery and come out with a ‘C’ cup?

I think I would have with the understanding that I would go in for a second surgery several months later to get larger implants.

I would have viewed ‘C’ cup implants much the way that I do my short hair. I would have tolerated them. I would have looked in the mirror and reminded myself that it’s most important that I’m reducing my risk of recurrence. But, I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with my reflection. This isn’t about whether long hair is better than short hair, bigger boobs are better than smaller, or society’s views of femininity and sexuality. This is about my personal comfort and the norm for my body. It’s been 25 years since I’ve had hair this short or boobs smaller than a ‘C’ cup. We all deserve to feel our best, and long hair and boobs of a certain size make me feel better about myself.

I’ve had enough changes in my life since my diagnosis. I don’t care to add more permanent changes into the mix. I will do what I can to ensure that my risk of recurrence is as low as possible. But, I hope to look back on all of this a year from now and feel stronger on the inside and more content with the outside.

What can you do to stay on top of your health more in 2012?

Mark your calendars now for when you should schedule your annual physical with your doctor and any other medical appointments (pap smear, mammogram, dentist, eye doctor, etc.). If you aren't in the habit of getting an annual physical, make a note to call the doctor on the first day of your birthday month. That way you'll never forget!

Want to Date More in 2012?

Interested in dating more in 2012?

Here are my top five tips, as shared earlier this month on The Tommy Show on 94.7 Fresh FM:

1. Don't feel embarrassed about letting someone know that you might be interested in him or her. Send an email to an intriguing online prospect, say hello to that cute guy at the gym, or ask the girl with the beautiful smile if you can sit down next to her at the coffee shop.

2. Ask friends you trust to introduce you to their single friends. Do something in a group so there's not the added pressure of a blind date.

3. What do you enjoy doing or what have you wanted to try? It's easier to meet people when you're involved in an activity (at the gym, taking a class, volunteering, etc.).

4. Use online social networking to improve your offline social life. Set up an online dating account or revise a current profile. Sign up for speed dating, Professionals in the City or The Grace List and attend an event for singles. Go to your first Tweetup or Yelp event. Pick one thing that sounds fun to you and do it! You might meet a future friend, partner or business contact! If you find yourself nervous, seek out a friend to help you set up or edit your online profile or accompany you to an event.

5. Put a positive spin on the act of dating. In a city like DC, you meet and start up conversations with new people all the time. Talking to a potential date is no different! Just be yourself and be confident about who you are and what you have to offer now.

What tips do you have for those who want to date more in 2012?

For those of you who aren’t in metropolitan areas, how have you met new people?

The New Tatas Timeline

In the super, amazing, epic news that’s actually epic column, I’m cancer-free! To say I feel thankful and grateful would be an understatement. After the doctor left the examination room, I put on my clothes and cried many happy tears.

It’s interesting that as elated as I am, I’m not in a celebratory mood. That might stem from the fact that I don’t look in the mirror and like what I see post-chemotherapy. Or, and more likely, I know – with 99% certainty – that my journey isn’t over.

If I take the doctor’s news and do nothing medically, I have a 30% chance of my cancer returning within four years. Typically, when cancer returns that quickly, it spreads beyond the area of original diagnosis. After those four years, I’d have a higher chance than the average woman of having breast cancer again. The genetics specialist believes that my mom and I have a gene that has yet to be discovered. (There is much talk of a Breast Cancer Gene, but there isn’t just one single gene that causes breast cancer.) And, I’ll need more biopsies based on the fact that I have fibrocystic breasts and many abnormal calcifications. In the past 12 years, I’ve had 13 biopsies. Eight of those were in the past four years.

When my breast surgeon recommended a lumpectomy over a mastectomy after my diagnosis, there was the assumption that I could tolerate hormonal medications after treatment. As it turns out, I can’t.

So, here I am…cancer-free…going to consultations about mastectomies and reconstruction. Tears of sadness and fear have replaced my happy tears.

Things I learned after meeting with the reconstructive surgeon:

1. 70% of women who get mastectomies with immediate reconstruction end up going in for a second corrective surgery. Out of the remaining 30%, the majority of women override their doctors’ recommendations to have a second surgery, instead choosing to live with noticeably disproportionate breasts.

2. The surgeon wouldn’t recommend me getting immediate reconstruction for several reasons:

a. I’ve had four lumpectomies over the years on my right breast alone. Scars impede blood flow to the skin. Immediate reconstruction would stretch the weak skin and jeopardize blood flood throughout.

b. I couldn’t get implants larger than a ‘C’ cup because the skin wouldn't be strong enough to support more than that. I haven’t been a ‘C’ cup since I was a teenager, and given my current size, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that.

c. There would be an increased risk of infection for any patient, especially those with other health issues like me.

3. I will need more surgeries and the process will take much longer than expected. The general timeline is as follows:

a. Mastectomies – leave from the hospital with drains that I need to empty and clean myself and keep in place for two weeks. [Insert wincing expression here.]

b. Expanders – I will have expanders put inside my breasts that will help stretch the skin out to my desired size. Each week, I will go into the surgeon’s office, and she will inject saline into each breast to expand them. I will be awake for this. [Insert more wincing expressions here.] She estimates that it will take four-six weeks for this process. I'm larger than a DD now, but I feel like I'll be saying, "when," by that point.

c. Wait a minimum of four to six weeks for everything to settle.

d. Have another surgery to put the permanent implants inside.

e. And, once the scars have healed (in a relative sense), have surgery or an appointment with a tattoo artist to have nipples put on.

Because of my teaching responsibilities, I won’t be getting the initial surgery until May or June, and I won’t be getting the implants put in until December. The psychic saw more surgeries in my future, but said to view them as rebuilding and strengthening. I like that in theory, but I'm going to need some time to wrap my head around that.

I’ve said before that being cancer-free doesn’t mean being done with cancer. Last week exemplified that. The thought of the expanders evokes a visceral response from me. The thought of losing my big naturals saddens me. The thought of really being done with this in a year calms me. And, when those buoyant DDs are inside me, I’ll sigh with a fair amount of relief that I have only a 5% chance of getting breast cancer in the left breast and a 12% chance in the right breast…for the rest of my life.

Scared of Getting Pregnant?

Thursday is the day to answer a reader’s relationship or sex question from Formspring so without further ado:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years, but he doesn't want to have sex with me because of the fear of getting me pregnant. We always practice safe sex, but he still worries. How can I reassure him we will be fine?

Answer: Thanks for sharing what you’re going through in your relationship. A few other questions come to mind:

1. Has your boyfriend been this way for the past two years?
2. Has birth control ever failed your boyfriend or an ex-girlfriend of his and caused an unintended pregnancy?
3. Even though you’ve always practiced safe sex together, was there a pregnancy scare or a time when your period was late?
4. Is there something else going on here?

It’s important for couples to practice safe sex to prevent unintended pregnancies and protect against Sexually Transmitted Infections. If you’ve used birth control the entire two years, it gives me cause to pause that your boyfriend would become fearful at a later time.

If he has been consistently worried about getting pregnant throughout your relationship, would you consider using two forms of birth control? He could wear a condom, and you could use another method to be doubly protected. (There might have been a certain attorney-turned-blogger who used three methods of birth control with her first boyfriend because she so feared getting pregnant.)

I never like belittling someone else’s feelings or speculating where a person is coming from, but I feel like there’s more to the story. This level of anxiety about getting pregnant doesn’t typically present itself without a precipitating event. Did his parents have him when they were very young? Did a close friend get pregnant unexpectedly? Did you or an ex-girlfriend have a scare? Is he religious or fearful about what would happen if you did get pregnant?

I recommend talking to him about his concerns when you’re not in the bedroom and there’s no expectation of sex. Don’t assume what he’s feeling and leave your questions open-ended. Let him know that you love him and want to work through this as a couple. Offer to schedule an appointment for you both at a health clinic or gynecologist’s office to discuss birth control methods and their effectiveness. You can also ask for information about Plan B.

If this concern is a newer one for him, there might be more going on than just pregnancy fears. Has his interest in having sex with you changed over the past two years? If so, you might need to ask him why that is and confirm that you both are on the same page in your relationship.

I hope that this is just a small obstacle that you will overcome together. Please keep me posted.

Anything to add, readers? Two – or fifty – cents welcome! xoxo

Health Advocacy Found Me

Shortly after I was diagnosed, one of my doctors said:

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but out of all of my patients, if one of them had to get cancer, I’m glad it was you. I don’t worry about you not being able to handle it.

I laughed out loud, as I understood her thought process. I've been advocating for my own health since I was a teenager. I knew the system and how to interact with doctors, and I could use those skills to my advantage as I battled cancer.

I’ve become a Subject Matter Expert in health advocacy because I had to.

My first memories are of being in the hospital as a toddler. During one stay, my mom and I were both in the hospital at the same time.

At 16, one of my lymph nodes was sent to medical facilities from California to Boston to Minnesota to be studied. I would later be accepted at NIH for a study related to this condition.

I started to go paralyzed at the age of 20.

My mom passed away from cancer of unknown primary origin when I was 24.

I had unexpected complications from neurosurgeries in my early 30s. Those complications have caused me to have repeated concussions and Post-Concussion Syndrome.

I’ve been in physical therapy 10 out of the past 12 years.

Since the age of 26, I’ve had 13 breast biopsies. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010 at 37.

My health has always been unique, and doctors are typically fascinated by my body. Managing my health is a full-time job. But, most importantly, I’m still standing! I have so many blessings in my life, and health insurance, a wonderful support system, and a great team of doctors are high on that list. And, despite everything that I’ve been through, I’ve never – knock on wood – thought I wasn’t going to survive.

Over the course of my life, I’ve had more than 25 MRIs. I must admit that the one on Monday was slightly stressful, though. As I type, I’m staring at my telephone, trying to will it to ring with a call from the doctor with the results. I just keep telling myself silently,

I’m cancer-free. I’m cancer-free. I’m cancer-free.

As I was on the table during the test, I realized that all of my life experiences brought me to this point for a reason. I needed to be an advocate for myself so that I could be an advocate for others. This is where I’m meant to be, and I’m thankful that I’m here in every sense of the word to do that.

It’s a New Year. Please be on top of your health, self-exams and annual doctors’ appointments. Please. xoxo

What negative have you turned into a positive?

Giveaway – The Guys’ Guy’s Guide to Love

Book Giveaway Time!

Would you like to kick off the year reading The Guys’ Guy’s Guide to Love, a new novel about modern love, sex and relationships set amidst Manhattan’s Madison Avenue? The book has been described as "Sex and the City" meets "Mad Men."

Synopsis:

When Max Hallyday, a rising New York adman, joins a glitzy Midtown agency, he knows the game is winner-takes-all. But when his best friend, Roger, a serial womanizer, seduces Max's billionaire client and puts his career in jeopardy, Max strikes back. He pens a column exposing the "Rogers" prowling the city: The Guys' Guy's Guide to Love. Championed by magazine publisher and former flame, Cassidy Goodson, Max becomes famous… or is it notorious? With the women of New York clamoring for more, sparks begin to fly with Cassidy. Can Max survive his instant celebrity and cutthroat rivals to discover where his heart really belongs? The Guys' Guy's Guide to Love is a fast-paced take of flawed men and savvy women competing for love, sex, power, and money in the city where they play for keeps.

About the Author:

Robert Manni is President of Agent 16 advertising agency in midtown Manhattan. For the past two decades, he has watched, played, and succeeded in Madison Avenue's relentlessly changing game. A true devotee of New York City, Robert is inspired by and remains in awe of its people, energy, attitude, and romantic backdrop. He is a world traveler, Reiki Master and teacher, certified advanced clinical Master Hypnotist, graduate of the Jose Silva Method/Life System, NYC Marathoner, and a bona fide "Guy's Guy" who somehow survived twenty years of single life in the big city. The Guys' Guy's Guide to Love is Robert's debut novel. He is currently working on his second book.

Reviews:

“Robert Manni has a message for his fellow men. You’ve got some catching up to do…His words of wisdom on that subject are woven throughout his first novel, ‘The Guys’ Guy’s Guide To Love’, which follows the lives of two New York men representing…the angel and the devil on every guy’s shoulder.” ~ The New York Post

“Prepare to man up and hunker down for this exuberant guided tour of the male sexual psyche.” ~ Ian Kerner, NY Times best-selling author of She Comes First and Love in the Time of Colic

If you’d like to enter for a chance to win the book, just include “The Guys’ Guy’s” in your comment. (I just like the repetition with the different, yet strategic, apostrophe placement.)

You must enter by Friday, January 13th for a chance to receive a hard copy or e-version of the book. The winner will be chosen via Random.org. Good luck!

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received this book free of charge from the publisher. Giveaways do not constitute product endorsements.

Juggling and jealousy

It's time to answer a reader’s question from Formspring!

Question: I like playing the field and your Rules of Juggling. I pretty much commit to one date a night but don't want to be jealous. At a big party how I can give a lady space to meet people without getting served by other guys trying to pick her up?

Answer: Interesting question! My thoughts are as follows:

1. Are you and the women you date open about the fact that you both date other people? There’s nothing wrong with playing the field as long as everyone is playing by the same rules. The problems with juggling usually arise when the parties aren’t all on the same page. When that occurs, one person typically wants more or perceives the relationship as more serious than the other.

2. Is there a concern that one of your dates would actually reciprocate the advances of another guy while you’re in the same room? At a large party or event, it’s normal for your date to greet others with a hug or kiss on the cheek. She will inevitably talk to other guys and might even smile for the camera with one of them. And, fortunately or unfortunately, people are going to flirt, especially when it’s unclear whether or not someone is attached.

One quality that separates a woman with whom you might not want to go out with again from one you do is how she deals with such advances. Very few people – male or female – will be comfortable watching a person that they are on a date with truly flirting with another person. Even fewer will be okay with their date exchanging information with another person when they’re in the same room. (A business card at a networking event is appropriate. Exchanging cell phone numbers with a guy who wants to go out with you when your date is in the same room isn't.)

That lack of tact might be commonplace in college, but beyond your early 20s, that will be perceived as disrespectful. (For those of you in your late teens to early 20s who don't tolerate that behavior, pat yourselves on the back for learning at an early age that you don’t have to play games.)

3. With respect to these large parties, it might be worth evaluating how much space you are giving your date. If most attendees at the party are her friends, then it’s normal and kind to allow her the time to mingle freely. If the party is comprised of people that you know well, but she doesn't, I might stick closer to her, unless she’s more extroverted

4. Since you enjoy playing the field, are you openly flirting with other women in front of your date? A good rule of thumb is to treat your date the way you wish to be treated. If you are comfortable picking up other girls at a large party with your date nearby, realize that she is entitled to do the same. She might end up flirting with other guys coincidentally or with the hope of making you jealous. As long as you both are being honest and not playing games, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Guys and girls at events will continue to try to pick each other up. But, if you are on a date, then I hope that you and your date are spending most of your time with each other and leaving together at the end of the night. Otherwise, it's not really a date ;).

Okay, readers, what tips and thoughts do you have for the man with the question? xoxo

2011 Wrap-Up

To paraphrase Charles Dickens, 2011 was the best of times and the worst of times for me.

Lessons I wish that I didn’t have to learn this past year:

That chemotherapy, the accompanying medications and low blood counts cause you to forget a lot of things that happened during treatment

That two people I considered close friends would belittle my cancer and judge how I handled it

That the hardest part of treatment is when it’s over because you don’t suddenly feel better – inside or out

That during menopause you: 1) are hot all the time; 2) can’t sleep well; 3) can’t get wet, even when you’re turned on; and 4) are moody and irritable

That Philly Matt not only didn’t have my back when the chips were down, but wasn’t an authentic friend or boyfriend

That not all charities and advocates are truly about the cause

That there was an expiration date to realizing that Best Boy was right about the fact that we'd be a good couple

That I have a long way to go before I look in the mirror and like what I see post-cancer

That the side effects from hormonal therapy for breast cancer can outweigh the benefits of taking the medication in the first place

That hearing about how great my short hair looks causes me to cringe because I didn't choose this

That far too many people have encountered the same feelings and reactions that I have during and after treatment

What I’m thankful for over the past year:

My amazing friends

Teaching, my students and my university. The joy I experience from teaching has been a huge unexpected blessing for me in 2011!

Not having to worry about a roof over my head, the clothes on my back, health insurance and food in my stomach

Best Boy and a dating life that's interesting without much drama

My doctors

My health

The comfort I get from my faith

Feeling like I’m doing just what I’m meant to do with respect to this site, my charitable endeavors and my advocacy work

Despite so many blessings, I can't wait to ring in 2012. I wish that I didn't learn so many hard lessons this year, but I know that in the long run, I'll look back on this year as one of huge personal and professional growth. For now, though, I can't wait for 2011 to be over, and I'm praying for a peaceful and healthy 2012.

I hope that you all have a wonderful New Year’s Eve and that 2012 brings you much for which to be thankful!!! xoxo

2011 in Haiku

Twenty Eleven
Started year in chemo haze
In my bed? Best Boy.

He said he loves me
But does that mean he’s in love?
Neither of us know.

Winter beach weekend
With close friend, ex Philly Matt
My Teddy Ruxpin!

Well, not anymore.
“Tsunami” ensues as beach.
Friendship is over.

Mr. Agency
Reappears. Then disappears.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

By April, he’s gone.
We are over now for good.
Yet become friends. Huh.

I date other guys.
But keep them all at arm’s length
Don’t feel any spark.

I let you all pick.
The choices rather lame, tho.
Drama-free dating.

Not much time for boys
(At least, new boys in my life.)
So happy. So busy.

Is heart spoken for?
Honestly? Maybe it is.
By Best Boy. For now.

No epic love tale
But we care for each other
Still makes me smile

Sometimes it does work
At other times, it doesn’t
Don't want the same things

So, I play the hand
I’m not yet ready to fold
Am I, “The Gambler?”

What will next year bring?
Hoping for more of the same
Without more cancer!