Stef Woods

Why Do People Ask Me For Advice?

On to another question from Formspring:

Question: The one thing I’m most confused about is why all of these people write to you for relationship advice, yet you don’t seem to have been a part of many healthy, functioning relationships.  I question why you continually bounce from one man to the next.  Is it an attention thing?  A lack of confidence?  Who knows?  Best of luck finding what you seem to be searching for.

Answer: I would say I have what I’m searching for in the dating arena.  I enjoy my life and am open to whatever love and life have in store.  (I would have never imagined that I would leave one career I loved to embark on another exciting professional adventure.  And, on the relationship front, I am one of those women who actually likes dating and getting to know other people.  I'm not a fan of boring relationships either and seek passion and excitement from guys.  Right now, I have a great companion to fulfill that role, which is just what I’m interested in at this point in my life.)

I don't believe that I'm seeking attention, although I admit that as a blogger, I'm seeking an audience and people interested in my stories.  I can write that I don't lack for confidence personally or professionally, but that's a question better fielded by people who know me in real life. 

I don't view bouncing from one guy to another, as you put it, as a bad thing.  I have a fun dating life, and I've learned a lot about myself and relationships from every ex-boyfriend.  I’ve been very clear about my goal to adopt as a single mother.  I’m not looking for the traditional dating scenario that leads to marriage and children in that order.  That might not be something that the average person can identify with, but I hope that my readers will support my choices as I support theirs.

I learned to be accepting of other women and their choices from my mom.  Many of mom's friends would call her for personal and professional advice.  Mom taught me to prioritize my friendships with females, always be there for the people in your life, and be a good listener and a sounding board.

Friends started coming to me in college for relationship and sex advice.  (I also went to a women's college so there weren't many topics about which we didn't discuss ad nauseam.)  Now, thanks to my blog, I have a larger audience.  I’m the first to admit that I don’t always heed my own advice, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t recognize the same red flags in my dates that my readers do.  I also try to look for the best in people.  Maybe that makes me naïve or causes me to stay too long in relationships, but that is how I was raised and is not something that I’m likely to change.

I have been told that I give good advice and that my suggestions have helped friends and readers.  I think that people also feel like they can be honest about their flaws/problems/weaknesses/concerns because I’m so honest about mine.  I don’t claim to have all the answers, and I'm the first to admit that I haven't made the best decisions when it comes to the men I date.  But, I do care and will do my best to talk and brainstorm with friends and readers to resolve a problem.  (I just did so this morning, in fact.)

When I give advice, I hope to be viewed as a credible source who has done her research on the topic at hand.  I'm the In-House Passionista and Reviewer for Lotus Blooms (@DaschaBoutique on Twitter), and I've written freelance articles for Fascinations at Fun Love.

In addition, I’m a Supporting Member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT).  In June, I attended AASECT’s annual conference and completed an intensive two-day class in Sexual Attitude Readjustment Training.  After I’m finished with chemotherapy and radiation, I plan to teach workshops on sex techniques, purchasing body-friendly toys, and spicing up your relationships.  I will apply for certification as a Sex Educator through AASECT and expect that continuing adult sex education will be a part of my life for years to come.

The beauty about my blog is that a person doesn’t need to read my posts if he or she doesn’t want to do so.  Likewise, it’s optional for people to email me with questions or seek advice from me on Formspring.  As my friends and readers know, if and when they need me, I'm here.

What are your thoughts about the reader's questions?  For those of you friends and readers who have come to me seeking advice, why have you done so? xoxo

Quick, Quick, Slow 2.0

Yesterday, I tackled two Formspring questions from a guy who fears that he orgasms too quickly.  But, what if the guy takes too long?

Question 1: I'm in a relationship now with a man who can't orgasm easily.  He can last well over an hour straight, and we've lasted the two-hour mark several times.  He says it feels great, but doesn't come.  What can I do to make him come faster?

Answer: A few things come to mind, but all involve open communication with your partner.  Have you asked him directly if this is a normal occurrence for him?  Some guys need to be in a certain position or need a certain type of stimulation (oral, anal, hand, etc.) to come.  There are other guys who can't come easily after drinking or when they're stressed.

In thinking of reasons why he might not cum easily in a traditional setting, how often does he masturbate?  Does he watch a lot of porn by himself?  If so, he needs to cut down on both.  You can also try to masturbate in front of each other so that you can see how he enjoys pleasing himself.  That would also show you how long it takes him to cum on his own.

It’s worth letting your boyfriend know that you don't need a long, drawn-out session to be satisfied.  (He might be under the misperception that you do.)  You can also ask him what, if anything, you can do to increase the chances that he will orgasm.  If you use condoms, you might try a new brand that is thinner or allows for more sensations.  Other ideas are to add the warmth of the shower or some arousel gel into the mix.

For most females, one or two-hour sessions can get tiring at a minimum and painful at a maximum.  Be sure to take breaks if you need to.  You can switch from traditional sex to oral sex or a hand job.  You also can get up to grab some water or go to the bathroom.  (If you have a propensity for urinary tract infections, you should make a point to go to the bathroom after you orgasm or when it’s reached the hour mark.  There's no need to jeopardize your health, and most guys don't have a problem with holding that thought while you're gone.)  Upon your return to the bedroom, have some lubricant handy to make reentry more comfortable.

Let me know what works. xoxo

Readers, any other suggestions?

Round Two

Her hair is gone now.  In only four days, she has lost half of her long, thick red mane.  She donates the rest to Locks of Love and shaves her head.  She thinks that losing her hair will make her incomprehensibly sad, and yet, it doesn't.  She finds a way to rock the G.I. Jane cut and realizes that she doesn't need her hair to be sexy.

Prior to her second round of chemotherapy, she calls her oncologist and has her internist do the same.  She is not going to go through such a horrible round of chemo – complete with three days of vomiting and IVs – again.

Her oncologist finally takes her seriously and appreciates that her health history makes her a unique patient.  He orders three days of IVs after chemotherapy, but decides to administer those IVs proactively (before she gets sick), rather than reactively.  He also gives her five new drugs to take during chemo week.

She hopes that the second round will be better, but it's just different.  Side effects from the drugs cause her to be irritable and suffer from temporary amnesia.  For five days, she walks around like a moody, forgetful zombie.  She has little, if any, memory of conversations she had or emails she sent during those days.  The Type-A lawyer who is used to being in control is anything but that.

Her body responds to chemotherapy in the opposite manner of most people.  The average patient is exhausted.  She can’t sleep for more than six hours a night and isn't able to nap much.  The typical female never gets her period again following chemo.  She starts to hemorrhage.  Most people lose weight from chemotherapy.  She gains weight.  In 20 days, she has only one day without a chemo-related side effect.  Her body is drained.

On October 26th, she loses her friend to colon cancer.  He was her partner in the fight against this disease.  In three days, she cries more than she’s cried in months.  Her heart is heavy.

Four more rounds of chemotherapy and six weeks of radiation await her.  And, she knows that nothing about the next four months will be easy.

This experience is the toughest thing that she has endured physically.  But then, she reminds herself that:

She

Is

Tougher.

She will get through this, and she is so very lucky that this was caught at Stage One.

Since early detection is what is saving her, she feels compelled to encourage her friends and readers to check the American Cancer Society’s Early Detection Guidelines.

If you notice an abnormal growth on or under your skin, get yourself to a doctor!

For the female readers:

Breast self-exams every month starting at age 20.  If you’re not sure how to do a self-exam, watch this three-minute video;

A clinical breast exam at your annual gynecologist appointment.  You should be screened for cervical cancer via a Pap smear three years after you first have sex or by the age of 21 (whichever comes first); and

Annual mammograms starting at age 35 if there’s a history of breast cancer in your family and at age 40 if there’s not.

She cares.

Quick, Quick, Slow

I receive quite a few sex and relationship questions via Formspring, but it’s been a while since I’ve posted my answers to them.  (Damn chemo!)  I figured that I would get back to doing so in between my posts about Mr. Exec.  I also have a great giveaway that I’ll be sharing with you all this evening.

Question 1a: With my ex-girlfriend, I could have sex for as long as I wanted.  With my current girlfriend, I can't last as long.  Insights on why that's so?

Answer: What's different with the equation?  The foreplay?  The positions?  How wet or orgasmic your partner is?  How often you have sex?

Has your current girlfriend indicated that this is a problem?  (I've dated guys who take a long time and guys who cum very quickly. As long as I'm satisfied, I'm okay with either mode.)

Question 1b: Nothing has really changed.  Same positions usually.  Wetness same.  She hasn't voiced a concern; this is more for making it better (not that it was bad).  I just don't know why anything is different.

Answer: Have you tried a sexual enhancement gel or herb?  (If you or your partner has sensitive skin or allergies, it’s best to stick to herbs over gels.  With respect to herbal products, herbs have yet to be approved by the FDA, although they are commonly used in Eastern medicine.) 

You could also add a cock ring to increase pressure to the base of your cock and keep your erection for longer.  They stimulate the clitoris during sex, making it much easier for the female to orgasm.

You also might try switching positions often to break the rhythm that you're in so that you can last longer.  (Some women love changing positions a lot.  Some don't.  The effectiveness of that strategy might depend on your partner.)

Good luck!

So, readers, did I miss anything?  Do you have any other suggestions for this guy?

Diagnosis Night — Part 3

I had thought that June 22, 2010 would be a memorable day in my life because that was the day I had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  Now, I wondered if I would also remember it as the most bizarre day I had ever spent with Mr. Exec. 

I had just watched him grab another woman's ass repeatedly right in front of me.  Then, I listened to him explain that he did that for "business reasons."  I found his actions completely disrespectful, but I didn't have the energy to get into a fight with him.  I knew that we would eventually need to discuss all of this, but now was not the time.

I decided to focus on other, more innocuous matters, when I asked Mr. Exec:

So how did The Baron end up here tonight?  [The Baron and I went to law school together, and we dated briefly earlier this year.  Mr. Exec knew The Baron professionally and despised him because of his allegedly shady business practices.]

Mr. Exec: I know!  I didn't expect to see him here!

Me: I’m sure you had to restrain yourself from kicking his ass!  [We laugh.]

Mr. Exec: I didn’t realize that you had dated him.  You said that you just knew him from law school!

Me: I told you that we had gone out to dinner a few times.  That's all.

Mr. Exec: Did you fuck him?  [I look at him with a confused expression on my face.]  Did you?

Me: No.  Never.  We went out a few times before I realized that he was coke addict.  [As we're talking, I put two and two together that Mr. Exec has been reading my blog.]  Everything that happened is in my blog.

Mr. Exec: Good.  I hate the thought of you with him.

Me: I don't like the thought of it either.  Trust me!

We got into his SUV to head to the other restaurant.  Three of his friends piled in the back seat.  I was feeling quite dizzy because I needed food.  I also was exhausted and had absolutely no patience for how drunk everyone else in the car was.

When we arrived at the bar, the bartender informed us that the kitchen was closed.  Thankfully, my friend, Misty, happened to be dining there and gave me the rest of her food.

I sat with Misty, as Mr. Exec and his friends took the tables around us.  One girl asked where everyone was heading afterwards, and another girl suggested Camelot, a strip club in the neighborhood.  I heard Mr. Exec indicate that he wanted to do that, even mentioning that he and Best Boy should try to get their usual table.  [Insert eye roll here.]

A few minutes later, Mr. Exec asked me if I wanted to go to Camelot.  I politely declined without stating the obvious:

I have breast cancer.  I don't know my treatment plan yet and if I can keep my own breasts.  The LAST thing I want to do tonight is go to a strip club and look at other girls' tits.

Mr. Exec: I’ll go for a little and then come back to the house.

Me: Okay.

Mr. Exec: I’m so proud of you for coming out tonight!  [He kisses me on the lips.]  See…look what you have me doing?  I'm kissing you in public in front of my friends.  [Mr. Exec hates public displays of affection so that was actually a big deal for him.]

He insisted on putting me in a cab and gave the driver double the fare.

Mr. Exec [to the driver]: Make sure you drive very slowly and don’t stop short.  [With my Post-Concussion Syndrome, I get very bad motion sickness.]  Take very good care of her and make sure she gets home safely. 

By the time I arrived home, I felt too drained to ponder or cry about the incredibly odd end to an already tough day.  (Seriously, folks, what kind of guy goes to a strip club on the night that his girl is diagnosed with cancer?  Oh, and don't even get me started on how Mr. Exec grabs asses for professional reasons!) 

I walked my dog and went to bed.  An hour later, Mr. Exec texted to say that he was on his way to my place.

To be continued…

Diagnosis Night — Part 2

I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer several hours ago.  Now, I was at an event with Mr. Exec, watching him grab another woman’s ass not once, but FIVE, times. 

I said nothing to Mr. Exec since it wasn’t worth it.  I went up to his best friend, Best Boy, to tell him that I was leaving.

Best Boy: Don’t go.  We’re going to get some food.

Me: I thought we were going to do that, too.  I just can’t sit here and watch this tonight of all nights.  Did he [Mr. Exec] tell you what’s going on?  [Best Boy nods.]  Yeah, I’m out.  [I kiss Best Boy on the cheek goodbye.]

I walked out of the restaurant and called my friend, Autumn.  I had just finished telling her what happened when another call came in.  It was Mr. Exec.  I put Autumn on hold and answered the phone.

Mr. Exec: Come back to the restaurant.

Me: Not if I’m going to have you watch you grab some girl’s ass all night!

Mr. Exec: We’re a team.  This is business.  I don’t want to have to worry about you walking out on me again.  Come back here.

Me: Business?!?  Are you fucking kidding me?

Mr. Exec: It's business.  I’ll explain it to you when you come back here.

I was hungry, tired and so drained from the day’s events.  I didn’t want to get into a fight tonight.

Me: Fine.

I hung up with Mr. Exec and finished my call with Autumn.  By the time I returned to the restaurant, Mr. Exec and the older woman were wrapping up their conversation.  After the woman left, Mr. Exec came over to me and said:

Mr. Exec: I’m glad you came back.  Don’t ever leave me like that again!

Me: I realize that we have a unique relationship, but don’t ever do something like that again in front of me.  That was completely disrespectful!

Mr. Exec: Did you see her?  Would I ever be with someone who looked like that?

Me: Okay.  Then why did you grab her ass five times?

Mr. Exec: It’s business!  She was one of the sponsors tonight.  I need her to think that I’ll fuck her so that she keeps helping us out.  She invites me to her house and on trips with her all the time, but I never go.  I’m with you, and we’re a team.  You need to understand that I’m just playing the game.

I didn't think that was fair to the woman or the organization with which Mr. Exec volunteered.  But, I decided to let it go because my need for food trumped my need to belabor this issue.

As Mr. Exec settled up his tab, he turned to me, Best Boy and Best Boy’s friend, Melanie* and said:

On Saturday night, why don’t you two come over the house?  We’ll get some wine and order some food from…[He turns to me.]  What’s that place that we like with the good pizza?

Me: Luigi’s?

Mr. Exec: Yes.  We’ll order food, maybe get a DVD and talk some business.  [I realize at that point that “the house” is in fact “my house.”]

Me: What business?

Mr. Exec: Well, Melanie does something similar to your blog, and when I heard that, I thought it would be good if we all talked to see if there were things that we all could do together.

Me: Professionally?

Mr. Exec: Yes, of course.  You know it’s all about making money for me.

Me [laughing out loud]: Yes, I do.  But, I’m not sure if you’ll like how I plan to give 10% of whatever I earn from my blog to female-focused charities.

Mr. Exec: Well, you can give 10% of your portion away.  We don’t have to do that.

I laughed and rolled my eyes.  I wasn’t sure how I felt about involving Mr. Exec in the business aspects of my blog.  I also was uncertain how Melanie and Best Boy fit into the picture, especially since I didn't know what Melanie did professionally.  But, I didn’t need to figure that out tonight.

I thought that we would all grab a quick bite and then Mr. Exec and I would head back to my place.  Unfortunately, things don’t always work out as planned.

To be continued…

* I gave Best Boy's girl the nickname of "Melanie." In retrospect, that might have been confusing since my web designer's real name is Melanie. They are not one in the same.

Diagnosis Night

On June 22, 2010, I received the call from my doctor, informing me that I had early-stage breast cancer.  When I hung up the phone, I called two of my best friends.  Although I had plans that evening to go to an event with Mr. Exec, my girlfriends and I decided to meet so that we could process the news together.

Mr. Exec was helping to organize the event, and I didn’t want to ruin his evening.  I sent him a text, apologizing for not being able to make it and asking him to call me afterward.  He knew me well enough to know that something was wrong and called me right away.

Mr. Exec: Tell me what’s going on.  Did you hear from the doctor?

Me: Yes.

Mr. Exec: What did she say?

Me: It’s early-stage breast cancer.

[Long pause.]

I didn’t want to tell you until later, though, since you have a big night ahead of you.

Mr. Exec: I’m glad you told me.  You know that I want to know everything that’s going on.  We’ll get through this together.

Me: I know.

Mr. Exec then asked me what the next steps were.  I told him as much as I knew at that point and asked if he could come over the following evening.

Mr. Exec: Of course.

I headed up to my apartment and proceeded to call one of my girlfriends.  The more we talked, the more I realized that I didn’t want or need to sit around with my girls that night crying.  I wasn’t dying.  I didn’t even know what my treatment plan would be yet.  It didn’t seem constructive to expend a lot of emotion over unknown variables.

I decided to meet my girlfriends the following day for lunch and go to the event as planned.  I took some time to cry and call a few other friends before I got dressed and walked over to the restaurant where the event was being held.  When I arrived at the venue, I noticed a very tall man by the doorway. 

“Oh My God!” I exclaimed to myself.  “What’s The Baron doing here?”

The Baron and I had gone to law school together back in the 1990s.  We reconnected earlier this year and went out several times.  The “relationship” was doomed from the start, though.

I found it especially surprising that The Baron was at this event since he and Mr. Exec don’t get along for reasons Mr. Exec told me on our first date.  When I walked inside, I said a quick hello to The Baron so as not to seem rude, but I kept it at that.  (What else more was there to say to him by this point?)  

I then scanned the room and noticed a lot of friends were there.  I naturally went over to Mr. Exec first.

Me [to the woman to whom Mr. Exec was talking]: Excuse me.  I don’t mean to interrupt.  I just wanted to say a quick hello to Mr. Exec.

Mr. Exec [smiling with a look of surprise]: You came?  I’m so glad!  [He gives me a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek.]

Mr. Exec returned to his conversation, and I ordered a soda and caught up with a girlfriend.  When Mr. Exec finished, he came over to me, gave me another hug and said:

I’m so proud of you!  It means so much to me that you came tonight, and it says so much about how you’ll approach this.  You’re not going to let this get the best of you!  [I nod my head in agreement.]  I’m going to take you home later and fuck the shit out of you!

Me [smiling]: That’s just what I wanted to hear.

Two hours later, the event was winding down, and I was starving.  The plan was to go get food with Mr. Exec, his best friend, Best Boy, and Best Boy’s date, Melanie*.  Best Boy, Melanie and I were ready to go, but Mr. Exec was still schmoozing and drinking.  I was getting a bit light-headed as I often do when I need to eat so when Mr. Exec finished talking to a colleague, I approached him.

Me [to Mr. Exec]: Can we go now?  I really need some food.

Mr. Exec: Sure.  Let me go to the restroom and then we can leave.

As Mr. Exec walked to the restroom, a woman approached him.  She was in her mid-late 40s, had a very toned body and dressed like a cougar.  I watched their interaction from across the bar. 

As they were talking, she put her arm around Mr. Exec’s waist.  He put his arm around her waist.  She placed her other hand on his chest and started playing with the buttons on his shirt.  He moved his hand from her waist to her ass.  She took her hand from his chest to his waist and put her hand underneath his shirt.  She started rubbing the small of his back.  He squeezed her ass.

I wasn’t sure what to make of any of this, but it didn’t sit well with me.  I felt like I was watching a movie and wanted a better view.  I moved my seat around so that I could look right at them.  I wasn’t particularly close so they didn’t notice that I was staring as I saw Mr. Exec grab her ass a second time.

Then a third.

Then a fourth.

And then a fifth.

By the fifth ass grab, I was done!  I walked up to Best Boy and Melanie, gave them both hugs and said:

I’m leaving.  I don’t need to sit around watching this.  Have a good night.

To be continued…

* I gave Best Boy's girl the nickname of "Melanie." In retrospect, that might have been confusing since my web designer's real name is Melanie. They are not one in the same.

Quite A Day

After my breast biopsies, I returned home to rest.  Mr. Exec called me when he was out of his meetings to check on me.

Mr. Exec: Do you need anything?

Me: I’m okay for now.  Mind coming over when you’re done with work?

Mr. Exec: Not at all.  I’ll be there in a few hours.

Later that day, when Mr. Exec arrived at my place, he did something that he hadn’t done since we first dated:

He took care of me!

I was surprised and touched.  We ordered some food and relaxed on the couch in front of the television.  After all the volatility of the past month, it felt like Mr. Exec and I were in a calm place.  We didn’t talk about the past or the future.  He wasn’t drunk, narcissistic or belligerent.  It was easy and fun to be around him.  I was reminded of our early dates and why I had been attracted to him in the first place. 

My phone vibrated with a few blog comments to a recent post that I had written, and we got on the topic of my blog.

Mr. Exec: Are you making money off of the blog yet?

Me: A little. One of the companies whose rep I met at the conference asked me to do some freelance articles for them.  And, another company has started giving me toys to review every week and offered to help get me into workshops and radio.

Mr. Exec: We should brainstorm one evening about ideas to see how you can really make some money off of this.  I’m sure that there are ways I can help you.

Me: Sure.  That sounds good.

I was thankful that I was sitting next to Mr. Exec, rather across from him, so he couldn’t see my knowing smile.  Philly Matt and I had called it that once Mr. Exec realized that I had started blogging about him, he would finally take the time to actually sit down and read my posts.

I didn’t need to ask Mr. Exec whether he enjoyed my blog.  His offer of assistance was all the answer I needed!  I knew Mr. Exec well enough to know that his idea of help would involve a 10% cut of any deal, but I found that more amusing than insulting.  I was intrigued about what he would say when we had our brainstorming session, but didn’t want to discuss business then.

After Mr. Exec and I finished watching a movie, we went into the bedroom.  I was in some pain and had to keep my bra on with ice packs over the areas that were biopsied.  But, I still wanted to have sex with Mr. Exec.

Mr. Exec and I had to be a bit creative when we had sex since I needed to stay on my back or right side, but we made it work.  And, it worked a lot that evening.

What had started out as a very rough day turned into a great night!  Sometimes, life is funny like that. *smile*

Cleaning — It’s A Must!

I’ve written a lot about sex toys, but I haven’t written much about caring for your sex toys. (And, by “caring,” I’m referring to cleaning.) Proper cleaning of your toys should be viewed as a necessity, not an option!

It’s recommended that you clean your toys before the first use and after each subsequent use.  Cleaning is essential for removing bacteria from the products and for prolonging their longevity. If the toy takes batteries, remove the batteries before cleaning and during storage.  For toys that you are using by yourself, you can clean them with: Hypoallergenic or mild soap and water; or a toy cleaner spray or wipes such as Mighty Tidy or Play Safe.

Mighty Tidy and Play Safe are designed specifically for cleaning adult toys of any material.  Mighty Tidy is a light cleanser that’s free of any harsh detergents.  It does contain a fragrance for those of you who like a light scent.  If you have a perfume allergy, you might want to choose Play Safe instead.  Play Safe is 100% natural and alcohol free, and also wards off certain bacterial infections.

If you are using toys with one or multiple partners, you MUST clean your toys thoroughly after every use with a strong cleaner. (In this case, “strong” doesn’t mean toxic, but rather, a product that is designed to protect against bacteria and infections, including HIV and Hepatitis B.)

A DC-area hospital recently had an outbreak of STD cases that were linked to sharing toys.  If you aren’t in a monogamous relationship with your partner and you are using toys together, make sure that you clean the toy between individual uses!  It’s worth breaking the mood for two minutes to clean the toy before you use it on yourself or your partner, especially as compared to the alternatives! A great cleaner for this purpose is Pjur Med Clean.

This gentle spray lotion is alcohol and perfume free.  (I’m not a fan of anything in the bedroom that smells like fruit or the perfume counter at a mall so that’s a plus for me.)  Pjur Med is also dermatologist-tested and safe for use on your body.  And, most importantly, the cleaner is anti-bacterial, anti-fungal and anti-viral.  That means that Pjur Med is powerful enough to guard against STDs and HIV. Toy cleaners are available in sprays or wipes. 

There seem to be more sprays on the market, but I prefer the wipes since there’s no need to get a tissue or towel to dry the toy off afterward. Pjur Med comes in both a spray bottle and wipes for $15.95. That price is higher than most of the other cleaners out there, but if you are using toys in a non-monogamous relationship, a few dollars more is a small price to pay for peace of mind!

It’s important to note that not all cleaners are intended for internal use or as a substitute for a personal wipe. Unless the cleaner explicitly states that it’s body-safe and intended for internal use, don’t use that product on anything other than your toys!

Remember to store your toys in a dry location. If the toy came in a box or with a travel satchel, you might want to keep the box or satchel for storage purposes. That will save you from having to clean your toys before each use to get rid of any dust.

If you’re in need of a personal cleanser for before or after sex, choose a product that’s free of any potential allergens like parabens.  If you have a perfume allergy or find alcohol-based products too harsh for your skin, look for wipes that are higher quality, fragrance-free and natural.

Lotus Blooms' bestselling products in this arena are the discrete and disposable Pleasure Wipes and the Femme Fresh Wipes. Pleasure Wipes are alcohol-free with a soft, clean scent and can be used before or after sex. For those of you who are in need of a wipe before sex, Femme Fresh Wipes will serve your purpose well. They also have the added benefit of root-based libido enhancers for a little extra oomph in the bedroom.

Pjur Med is a clear winner since it is highly effective as a toy and body cleaner. It’s gentle enough for sensitive skin, yet strong enough to protect against HIV. This product gets my full Five Squeals of Approval.  It might not be the norm to squeal about cleaners or safety, but pleasure shouldn’t trump hygiene and health!

Keep having fun, but don’t forget to clean those toys, too! xoxo

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received the aforementioned products free of charge in exchange for my honest assessment.

Intimate Terms

I exhaled deeply before picking up the phone to answer Mr. Exec’s call.

Me: Hey.  [Pause.]  What's up?

Mr. Exec: Hello.  How are you?

Me: Good. 

We continued to awkwardly exchange pleasantries for a few minutes before Mr. Exec told me why he was calling:

I saw your post on Facebook.

Me: Uh huh.  [I wasn’t exactly sure about which part of the update he was referring to, and I didn’t want to give him an inch.]

Mr. Exec: I’m worried about that guy harassing you in your neighborhood.  If you’d like me to arrange to have a police car there while you’re walking Nutter to make sure you’re safe, just let me know.

Me: Thanks.  I really appreciate that.  I hope I don’t need to do that, though.  I just spoke with a police officer about Creepy Apology Man.

We spoke more about that before Mr. Exec updated me on his work projects and asked about my appointments with the doctors.

Me: Well, the neurosurgeon will be speaking with my other doctors about whether I’m a good candidate for surgery.  And, I have to get two biopsies next week for the breast issues.

Mr. Exec: Is anyone going with you next week?

Me: Yes, Julie should be.

Mr. Exec: Please let me know how it goes and if you need anything.  I’ll be keeping you in my prayers and hoping that everything is okay.

Me: Thanks.

He seemed protective and caring, which I hadn't felt in a while.  When he mentioned us getting together that weekend, I said, "Sure."  As I hung up the phone, a thought crossed my mind:

There were quite a few times over the past few months when Mr. Exec hadn't be there for me or we hadn't seemed as though we were on the same page.  But, he wasn't without his endearing side.  He cared in his own way.  I just needed to figure out if that was enough for me.

Mr. Exec did come over that weekend, and there was a different vibe to our interaction.  We kissed and cuddled for an hour much like we had in the beginning, and our conversation seemed sincere since he hadn’t been drinking. 

Not surprisingly, the sex was amazing and intense. Thankfully, though, it was also uncharacteristically loving.

The way he looked me in the eyes and said that I would always be his;

The way he held me so close as he kissed me; and

The way he whispered that he wanted me to be okay because I had been through so much health stuff already and he didn't want me to be in any more pain.

Mr. Exec was a character and I knew that his selfish and narcissistic ways would rear their ugly heads again.  But, I found myself hoping that the kind Mr. Exec would stay around for a while before that happened.

While he was over, neither of us brought up our previous discussion about my blogging about our time together.  It seemed that we were past that without any further conversation.

It was the perfect night.  I liked that he referred to "us" as a couple and talked about things we would do together over the summer.  I was elated…up until the point when he brought up the "terms" of our relationship.

To be continued…

PS I’m writing this post while receiving my second round of chemotherapy.  I might not be able to promptly reply to your Tweets, comments and updates, but please know how much your support, thoughts and prayers mean to me! xoxo