Stef Woods

“O” face

Let’s start the week off with a question from Formspring!

Question: My wife does not have an orgasm when I go down on her. She’s told me she likes it, but it only relaxes her. When I was dating, not like I had a line out the door, but I managed to tongue until “O” with the women I performed cunnilingus on. Thoughts?

Answer: Thanks for your question! It sounds like you truly care for your wife and her sexual health, which says a lot about your relationship. The fact that you’re already communicating about your sex lives openly also bodes well for getting down to the heart of the matter (slight pun intended).

If you can, try not to compare your wife to the women you dated before her. There will always be someone who did [fill in the blank] better or more, or someone with whom you had more or less sexual chemistry. Comparisons can often serve as a distraction from really working through an issue in your current relationship. Remember that unlike any other woman you dated in the past, this is your wife. You love each other enough to have made that level of commitment to each other so view this as but a miniscule bump in a long road together.

Since you’ve already opened the lines of communication with your wife, I would continue doing so at a time when you aren’t rushed and sex isn’t expected. I would also broach this topic gently with kind words and reassuring body language (holding her hand or putting your arm around her back, for example).

Have you asked her if she has achieved orgasm before? Not all women have. If she has reached orgasm from other activities before, has she been able to orgasm from oral alone? Have you asked her what, if anything, you can do to help her orgasm?

If she’s never reached orgasm by herself or with a partner, I would suggest buying her a small toy and encouraging her to spend some quality time with herself on her own. (My advice to women in search of their first orgasm is in this post.) Then, when she feels comfortable, you can join in on the fun.

If she can reach orgasm from oral sex, it’s worth finding out what works for her. Are either of you feeling rushed because of stress, other obligations or fatigue? If so, can you both make an effort to find a better time to be intimate with each other? Does she need a lot of foreplay before you focus on her clit? Does she need more fantasy or a certain romantic mood to be set? Do slow strokes or fast strokes work better for her? Does she like her pussy or ass to be simultaneously stimulated? If so, does she prefer a finger or two or a small toy? I’ve written posts about going down (or staying down, as I prefer to call it) on a woman before, and this one in particular might provide some helpful tips.

On the chance that your wife is unable to orgasm at all, gently guide her toward asking her gynecologist for a referral to a doctor that deals with sexual health issues. 16% of women suffer from vaginal pain conditions, and these conditions significantly limit their ability to enjoy sex. (I’m including oral sex in this category, although each woman is different.) Endometriosis can also make it difficult to reach orgasm. Or, there might be emotional issues that she’s dealing with or unable to process that require the assistance of a therapist.

Without knowing your home life, some women who are juggling careers and family have indicated to me that sex is the last thing on their minds. (I’ve had more than one reader comment that at the end of a long day, she just wants a little help with the children, a glass of wine and a bubble bath.) If it’s been tough for you both to prioritize yourselves as a couple, take some time to do that. Check out my tips to reconnecting with your partner.

Whatever happens, good luck to you and your wife and please keep me posted.

Okay, readers, did I miss anything?

Have a relationship, adult toy or sex question for me? Ask me anything on Formspring like this reader did! xoxo

A huge up and a bit of a down

Words can’t do justice to how elated I felt when I received the call from Sibley Hospital that my biopsy was benign! I don’t have breast cancer! I don’t have to go through this all again! All is calm on the breastern front!

A day after that call, I started taking a new cancer medication. This non-chemotherapy pill has been proven to lower the chance of estrogen-positive breast cancer returning. (For those who aren’t familiar with what estrogen-positive breast cancer is or are unaware of my horrid experience with the first medication I tried, click here.)

I had polled several of my doctors about trying a second drug that’s designed to block the estrogen in my body. Most of them agreed that it wouldn’t be a good idea, given my other health issues and how badly I reacted to tamoxifen, the first drug. My head oncologist implored me, though:

This medication [fareston] is metabolized in the body differently. I have a group of patients that can’t take tamoxifen and tolerate this well. These drugs are as important as chemotherapy in preventing a recurrence.

Me: I think you should know by now that I’m not most patients. [Pause.] I’ll try it out of spite. [He looks at me with wide eyes.] I’m guessing that I’ll last three to seven days on this drug before the side effects are too severe. I’d love if you’re right, though.

My doctor then began to examine me, as I continued:

I wish you could actually bet money with your patients because I would so be winning this bet! [He doesn’t say anything, but stares at me with a scared expression on his face.]

So, how did my body respond to fareston?

On only two doses of half of a pill, I noticed that I was really, really tired. I had trouble keeping my eyes open during the day, and I slept very deeply at night. No matter how much I slept, I didn’t look rested. It reminded me of taking Nyquil.

I thought about five years like that, and I had decided that if excessive fatigue was the only side effect, I would find a way to deal with it. The benefits outweighed the risks. Maybe the doctor was right about this drug after all?

On the third day, I felt a fair amount of pain in my low back, and my vision was slightly distorted like I had a few cocktails. My mood would also go from pleasant to volatile in one second flat! (Thankfully, I don’t believe that any of the tourists or other drivers heard me screaming at them from my car!)

By the fourth day, I was dizzy, nauseous and vomiting. When that persisted for more than 24 hours, I called my oncologist to let him know that I had seven of the side effects about which you’re supposed to immediately tell your doctor. The head nurse returned my call.

Head Nurse: Stop the drug.

Me: Thank you.

Head Nurse: The doctor told me that he wants you to try it again in a couple of weeks, but I told him that I bet you’re done with this.

Me [chuckling]: You know me well!

Head Nurse: I reminded him that your other health conditions might explain why you’re reacting the way you are.

Me: Probably! My other doctors and I are in agreement with you. I’m not spending the next five years feeling like this.

I tried. And, even without the drug in my system, I’m still tired, dizzy and getting sick. I’ve been making an effort to go out for charity events and to socialize, but everyone is saying how I look “off,” “exhausted,” and like I’m fighting “a bad cold.”

Within a few weeks, though, those problems should abate.

So, after the fareston is out of my system, what’s left?

  • Three more IVs between now and September 14th;
  • Getting the medical port taken out; and
  • Celebrating with you!

We’re long overdue for a blog party, don’t you think?

Transitioning from friends to…

With the opening of Friends With Benefits, it seemed only fitting to answer this question from a reader via Formspring:

How do you transition from friendship to more than that ;)? I’m friends with this boy, and I don’t know how to try and change the vibe because I'd like to be more than friends. Any tips?

Based on how you phrased the question, I'm assuming that you're interested in dating your friend, rather than just something physical. Have you thought about:

  • How much you rely on this guy as a friend?
  • If you lost the friendship completely or it became awkward to be around him, is that worth the risk of trying to transition to more than friends?
  • What’s the best possible outcome in the short or long term? What’s the worst?

There’s no right or wrong answer to those questions, but you need to be prepared as best as you can for all possible options. Is the chance to be with this guy worth the risk of losing him in your life completely?

If the benefits outweigh the risks or it’s becoming difficult to hide your feelings, then think about what he’s said about relationships and figure out how you can change up your normal routine. Some ideas and questions to consider:

1. Is he open to being in a relationship right now? Does he talk to you about other girls or what he is looking for? Is he hung up on an ex? Has it always been just platonic between you two or was there ever any flirtation?

Answering those questions might help you figure out how best to proceed. If he’s still getting over an ex-girlfriend, I might wait to broach the subject. If there was a time when he was flirtatious with you, then I might be more inclined to let him know how you feel.

2. How do you two normally interact? Try to change your routine in a manner that makes it more conducive for the relationship to naturally evolve into something as more than friends.

If you’re used to just working out together or watching DVDs, what if you suggest getting dinner one evening at a quiet restaurant? If you typically socialize with friends at a bar or lounge, what if you offer to cook for him at your place?

If you two interact one or twice in a different mode, does he seem more inclined to go down the dating path? If so, then I might wait to say something for a little bit. If not, then it might be worth proceeding to #3 and actually saying something to him.

3.Talk to him. It’s not always easy to share your feelings with someone, but you’ll never know how he feels unless you do so. On an evening when you aren’t drunk, rushed or around other people, tell him in your own words:

Your friendship is really important to me. But, lately, I’ve started to wonder what it would be like to be more than friends. Have you ever thought about that, too?

Think about how you’ll respond if he says “yes” or “no.” Can you still be friends with him if he doesn’t want to date you? If he’s interested in being more than friends with you, what do you hope for next? If he seems completely caught off guard, let him know that you can talk about this another time because it's not urgent. (It might feel pressing at the time, but it really isn't.) Likewise, if the conversation becomes awkward, you can let him know that you don't need to figure this all out at once and then change the topic. If the guy is interested in more, he'll make a move or bring it up at a later time.

Regardless of the outcome, be proud of yourself for being honest and going after what you want!

Thanks for the great question and let me know how it goes! xoxo

So, readers, did I miss anything?
 

What I’m looking for in a partner

A year ago this week, I met Mr. Agency. A few days later, we grabbed drinks together. A year ago this week, Best Boy spent the night at my place for the first time ever and told me:

You’ve gotten in my head.

As July turned to August, I had two minor surgeries to remove the two cancerous areas in my right breast. That same week, I began sleeping with Best Boy and snuggling with Mr. Agency. A month later, I started having sex with Mr. Agency.

As I look back on the past year, cancer has taken center stage in my life. Treatment came first, and I placed everything and everyone else on the back burner. I've tried to convey that as best as I could on this blog, but at its core, this site is about dating, sex and relationships, not cancer. Ninety percent of the time the boys in my life were welcome diversions and provided a little help when I needed both of those things.

Upon the end of radiation, I started to think about the next stage of my life and what I wanted for myself personally and professionally. I’ll talk more about what’s next for me professionally in a subsequent post, but I’ll focus on the guys in this one.

Raise your hand if you’re tired of reading about Best Boy and Mr. Agency.

You can put your hand down now.

Who's in the lead? Who cares?

See, I got to the point where I was tired of them, too. During surgery and chemotherapy, Best Boy was the one guy that I could count on completely. And, then during radiation, that changed. I'm the first to admit that our story might have had a different ending if I hadn't chosen Mr. Exec, Mr. Agency and Philly Matt over him. What if I had realized what a great, caring guy Best Boy was sooner than I did? I wonder…

At the end of the day, though, Best Boy wants to focus on his career and move overseas. I want to stay in DC and have a family. Neither path is wrong, but those paths are mutually exclusive.

Mr. Agency and I fed off of our sexual chemistry for a while, and then we would get in a fight…until we made up and had sex again…and got in a fight again. Did we reconnect again? Of course. But, our interest in and expectations from each other had changed so our interactions have been calm.

Where does that leave me a year later?

Well, I’m friends with both of them. They’re not bad guys. (In fact, Mr. Agency and I actually talk more now than when we were sleeping together.) They’re just not the right guys for me at this stage.

For the overwhelming majority of my life, I’ve chosen passion over partnership. I was the girl who loved to date self-absorbed workaholics and craved the rush of never knowing what would happen next. But, I’m not the same girl I was a year ago. And, that’s a good thing. A very good thing!

I’ve thankfully had more passion than most people will have in a lifetime. Now, I’ve realized that I’d rather have the right partner or be unattached than be in an ambiguous or predominately sexual relationship.

“How do you define the right partner, City Girl?” you might be wondering.

I’m looking for a man who:

  • Values his health and the health of his loved ones;
  • Enjoys sports, dining out, helping others and relaxing in front of the television;
  • Believes in some higher power;
  • Is emotionally secure enough to lean on me and communicate with me;
  • Inspires me;
  • Prioritizes sexual health. (There still needs to be some level of attraction and chemistry here, people);
  • Is professionally stable and not interested in moving in the near future;
  • Gets certain things without me asking him. (I'm fine with folding his laundry or putting the toilet seat down. I'm not fine with having to ask a guy to take time off of work when I'm in the hospital or to get me ginger ale or walk my dog when I'm sick); and
  • Wants to be a father within the next four years and won’t be the kind of guy who expects extra points or kudos on Facebook for staying home alone with his kid(s) or taking his child to the pediatrician.

I don’t NEED a partner, but I’m truly open for the first time in a long while to having one.

Bang and roll

At some points during my six weeks of radiation treatments, I wasn’t in a lot of pain and actually enjoyed being at the Cancer Center at Sibley Hospital. On my best days, the head radiation technician would play her latest hip-hop mix as we would catch up on the day’s events, and another technician and I would do the moonwalk or running man down the hall.

I had hoped that my last radiation treatment would have been my most celebratory day in the Cancer Center, but that wasn’t the case. I had a substitute radiation technician, and she unfortunately hadn’t been relayed some necessary information about how to treat me. I went into the treatment room with a huge smile on my face, and I left dry-heaving, crying from the pain and cursing like a sailor.

An hour later, I still felt sick, but I didn’t want to cancel dinner with my friends to celebrate the end of treatment. I sent Best Boy a text letting him know where we would be meeting in case he wanted to join us for a drink or dessert.

Best Boy: I have my class tomorrow in Richmond so I’ll let you know.

Me: Umm…as in you’ll let me know if you can make it for a drink or you’ll let me know if you can come over after?

Best Boy: I won’t be able to do drinks because I have a meeting and then I have to be at a networking event. I’ll let you know about after.

Now, I knew what networking event he was referring to, as these regular get-togethers are open to all people in the DC area on Facebook. I appreciate that Best Boy might have planned to meet colleagues at the event, but this was far from a once-in-a-lifetime networking opportunity. I decided to just be honest with him since I didn’t want there to be any confusion about my thoughts.

Me: I get that work is your priority right now, but seeing you tonight to celebrate the end of treatment is very important to me.

Best Boy: K. I’ll do my best.

I had a nice dinner with my friends at Notti Bianche and then we headed back to my apartment. My friends left at around 11pm, at which point I got ready for bed and walked my dog. At midnight, I was just getting into bed when my phone rang. It was Best Boy.

Best Boy: Are you still out?

Me: No. I’m back at my place.

Best Boy: I just finished up and was heading your way.

Me: Okay.

Best Boy: I have my class early in the morning.

Me: Yeah, I know.

Best Boy: I don’t have another suit so I need to go home before I head to Richmond.

Me: Okay.

Best Boy: So, I can’t stay long.

Me [pausing as I register what he’s saying]: So, you’re just coming over for an hour or two?

Best Boy: Yeah, since I need to be up early tomorrow.

Me: Umm…I’ll pass then. Thanks, though.

Best Boy: Huh? I’m confused.

Me: I really don’t care to just have you come over for a bang and roll. You never come over here without spending the night. Even when we were just friends and didn’t have sex, you would spend the night! I’m not about to have that change on my last night of radiation.

Best Boy: I’ve never viewed you as something casual. You know that. I wish I didn’t have to get up early tomorrow, and I tried to get out of the event as quickly as I could tonight.

I didn’t ask him about specifics since I knew the event had officially ended two hours prior.

Me: You were the one who said that Wednesday was the best night for you to get together this week. And, once you picked Wednesday, I told you why that night was important to me. If you couldn’t do it, you should’ve told me sooner. I would have asked one of my girls to stay over, but everyone left an hour ago. I had a really long day and didn’t want to spend the night by myself.

Best Boy [pausing]: I’m sorry it didn’t work out. [Pause.] What are you doing Friday?

Me: I’m in New York.

Best Boy: When are you leaving? Maybe we could get together during the daytime?

Me: 10am so that won’t work. [Pause.] I really wanted to see you tonight.

Best Boy: I did, too. That’s why I wish you would let me come over.

Me: It wouldn’t be enough. Not for a night like tonight. I’m only doing this once so this is it for me celebrating the end of radiation. Get home safely, and I’ll see you when I’m back from New York.

I had never shed more than a few tears over Best Boy. Ever. But, that night, after the day that I had, I cried for ten minutes straight.

I was so exhausted that I fell asleep almost immediately after my head touched the pillow. I didn’t give much thought to whether I would see Best Boy upon my return. I could figure that out when I was back from my trip.

The Breastern Front

I’m so close to being finished with treatment that I can taste it.

My last IV is scheduled for September 14, 2011. I can get my mediport (the small, implanted device through which I receive medications) removed later that week. And, then, I’m done.

DONE.

Hopefully.

For the past month, I’ve had this feeling that something was off. I hadn’t felt any lumps, and both of my oncologists said that my Clinical Breast Exams were clear. I wondered if I was experiencing some anxiety or depression, as happens with 30% of breast cancer survivors out of fear that the cancer will return. Yet, that’s not normally how I react to health issues.

The last time I had this feeling was spring 2010 when I thought I had cancer. (And, we all know how that turned out.)

I haven’t written or told anyone that I sensed that there was a problem in Tata-ville because it just comes off as unnecessarily negative. I knew that I had a mammogram scheduled so I tried to remind myself that I didn’t need to stress about a concern that didn’t exist!

Yesterday, I had my mammogram. The technician took four films of my two breasts, and then I was sent to a small waiting room. (One of the many reasons I love Sibley Hospital is that they give you the results before you leave the Center. Most places send you home, and then you receive a letter or call to let you know whether the films look good or there’s an area of concern.)

The first woman in the waiting room received notification that all was quiet on the breastern front. She was free to go. One of the technicians then opened the door and signaled for me to come back inside.

Me [smiling with a slight laugh]: No! I know what that means!

Tech: You’re fine.

Me: I’m fine then?

Tech: Well, the doctor just wants more films.

Me: Exactly. I want to go out the ‘Exit’ door. Not in for more! [We laugh.]

In total, I was brought back into the mammography room four separate times so that my left breast could be photographed eight different ways.

My left breast.

For those of you who don’t remember, I had cancer in my right breast. If anything is abnormal in my left breast, this would be deemed an unrelated problem to what I’ve gone through over the past 13 months.

When the doctor finally came out to speak with me, she said:

You have enough calcifications in there to feed a small army. [We laugh.] Wait…is it okay that I said that?

Me: Definitely. I know that there’s a lot of mass there.

Doctor: Well, I can see an area of abnormal calcifications in the left breast that wasn’t there last year. I don’t want to put you through anything if it can be avoided, but I think that we should do a biopsy.

Me: I figured after the second time that I was brought back.

80% of all biopsies are benign or non-cancerous. Over the years, I’ve had 11 biopsies and only two of them came back positive. This is probably nothing.

I’m not sad or mad, but I feel numb.

I don’t want to deal with this again.

I want to be planning my party to celebrate the end of treatment, not contemplating:

What if?

I’m tired of my breasts looking like a patchwork quilt.

I want life to go back to normal.

My biopsy is scheduled for Monday, and I should have results a week from today.

It’s going to be benign. It’s going to be benign. It better fucking be benign.
 

Radiation boobs

Radiation therapy may be used during cancer treatment to shrink the tumor and kill the bad cells. In some cases (like mine), radiation has been shown to reduce the rate of the cancer returning or spreading.

When I went for my consultation with my radiation oncologist, I received a packet of information with guidelines. For seven weeks, I couldn't use my normal deodorant because it contains aluminum. (Thankfully, this doctor allowed me to use Tom's of Maine, but I heard that some oncologists ban even natural products.) I couldn't take any antioxident vitamins because they might interfere with the effectiveness of radiation. And, I couldn't wear normal bras because underwires and satin or microfiber might exacerbate the side effects from radiation. (Radiation can cause rashes, pain, redness and burns.) My large tatas were not meant to be smashed into a cotton sports bra for weeks on end, but I didn't have a choice.

Prior to surgery and treatment, my right breast was ever so slightly smaller than the left breast. The two cancerous areas were in the right breast so when the surgeon removed the bad cells, the right breast became even smaller. Then, I injured my right breast by having sex too soon without a bra after surgery. (In case you're wondering, that's not my fault! The doctors didn't say that would be a problem!) That caused an increase in swelling, bleeding and scar tissue.

Radiation hardens tissues so after receiving 30 radiation treatments on the one breast, my right boob looks like I got a breast lift. The right boob is all high and perky, and to paraphrase Flo Rida, my left boob is hanging low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low. That's not hot, and I want my practically perfect tits back!

The doctor also advised me to apply a homeopathic ointment, Calendula, to my right breast three times a day to decrease burns and irritation. The ointment is clear and doesn't have a strong odor, but it's not intended to be ingested.

  

“Umm…why would anyone be ingesting your anti-burn cream, City Girl?” you might be wondering.

Well, in my interactions with both Mr. Agency and Best Boy during the months of February and March, they both inevitably went for the right boob first during foreplay or sex. I didn't want to break the mood by saying:

No! You can't do that! I have anti-burn ointment on my radiated, formerly cancerous tit!

So, instead, I would shove my left tit in their face. I felt like a nursing mother! (Again, that's not sexy.) Lucky for me, the guys just wanted some titty play and were content with whichever boob was there. I continued to play the boob shoving game in the guys' faces until I was done using Calendula.

I'm happy to report that thanks to Sibley Hospital's use of prone position radiation (lying on my stomach instead of my back), I didn't get any burns or residual skin irritation. And, I no longer have to shove a boob in a guy's face. Or, rather, I'm no longer limited to only shoving one boob in his face ;).

  

Image by NatalieDee.com.

PS As I think about my partners over the years, all of them have gone for the right boob first. Has anyone else encountered or done the same thing?

Why won’t a guy do THAT?

Formspring, I haven’t forsaken you!

Question: My guy doesn’t go down. He did once for a very brief time, and I’m afraid that he doesn’t like my taste. I’m not interested in douching since it isn’t recommended by health specialists for causing Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID). So what can/should I do instead?

Answer: I’m sorry to read that you aren’t getting the attention you’d like in the bedroom. With that said, I don’t think this problem has anything to do with how you taste.

I doubt that anyone – guy or girl — would say that cum tastes like the sweetest delicacy around. Likewise, in all but the rarest cases, it doesn’t taste like the worst meal you’ve ever tried.

A shower before sex should ensure that everyone smells and tastes as fresh as he or she can. (You can also add pineapple in juice or solid form to your diet to help improve the taste of your cum.)

I commend you for staying away from douches, as they have been linked to PIDs, bacterial infections and other health issues. If you happen to have any abnormal discharge or a strong odor, you might want to make an appointment with your gynecologist. If you’re not sure, call your gynecologist! (And, guys, see your internist or a urologist if you have either of those symptoms!)

If you’re shower fresh and your man still doesn’t want to go down on you, what can you do?

1. Communicate with him. In your own words, you can either: a) tell him how much pleasure you receive from oral sex; b) ask him why he doesn’t do that to you or c) calmly say both of those things. Pick a time to broach the topic when you aren’t rushed, sex isn’t expected, and you can see his facial expressions. If he’s caught off guard by the question, let him know that he doesn’t have to answer you right then and there.

2. Flip it! The next time you are going down on him, get on top of him in a ‘69’ position. As you gently guide your pussy over his face before you take his cock back in your mouth, say something about how turned on you are by going down on him and how you’d love to cum together.

3. Bring in reinforcements. The reason that most women love oral sex is that the majority can’t orgasm without clitoral stimulation. (Not every guy knows this, though, so you might need to tell your man if that’s the case with you.)

If he takes his time with foreplay and using his hands, maybe introduce a small vibrating toy into the mix? If he’s not big on foreplay, have you thought of adding a vibrating cock ring or finger vibe to your bedroom routine?

4. Accept. Most guys of a certain age will at least make an effort to go down on a woman, but there are those men who categorically won’t. How important is this to you? Is the goal for you to cum or for him to go down on you to make you cum? Does your relationship – in or out of the bedroom – need to be 50/50? If you've answered in the affirmative, is that realistic?

I’ve often wondered why certain men don’t go down on women so I asked City Boy for the male perspective. He commented:

Men are visual creatures. The vagina isn’t something we fantasize about. We like what we can see, not what we can’t. Think of the most sensual parts of a woman – the breasts, hips, and butt. It’s never the vagina. We can’t easily touch that.

If a guy isn’t interested in going down, you can’t change him. If a woman doesn’t go down on a guy, it’s a lot easier to get her to change her mind. She’ll feel some sense of guilt if a guy gives her immense pleasure by going down on her. Eventually, that guilt will cause her to reciprocate. A guy won’t feel remorseful about the situation so he’s fine with it being one-sided.

So, readers, what are you thoughts? Have you encountered a man or woman who won’t go down on you? How did you handle it? Did City Boy and I miss anything?
 

Sex and…cancer?

Every 30 seconds, someone in the United States is diagnosed with cancer.

Last year, at age 37, I was one of those people.

I needed a lumpectomy to remove the two cancerous areas in my right breast, six rounds of chemotherapy and 30 sessions of radiation. I knew that treatment would be tough, but I didn’t realize just how tough it would be. I lost my signature long red locks, required 20 extra days of IVs to combat the side effects from chemotherapy, was thrown into early menopause, and gained 23 pounds from all the steroids.

As much as treatment affected me, I vowed that I wouldn’t let it stop me from participating in those activities that made me happy. I needed to maintain some sense of normalcy in my life, and continuing to prioritize my sexual health was a key part of that.

If you’re diagnosed with cancer, how can you preserve your normal sexual routine during surgery and treatment?

1. Talk to your doctor. Cancer treatment plans are customized for each individual patient. Your age at diagnosis, the stage and type of cancer, genetic predisposition, pre-existing health conditions and the likelihood of recurrence all play a role in the surgeon and oncologist’s recommendations.

Once you know the plan for your individual case, ask your doctor about any sexual restrictions. Be specific in your questions and inquire about each sexual activity that you enjoy so you know exactly what you’re allowed to do and not do, If you aren’t sure how to talk to your doctor about sex, check out my tips for initiating that conversation;

2. Assuming there’s no medical bar to you achieving orgasm, listen to your body and don’t push it. There will be some days throughout this process when you feel stronger than others. If you’re a female who uses sex toys, choose a smaller, less powerful toy like the Lelo Mia, Je Joue MiMi or Fun Factory LayaSpot. Try not to put pressure on yourself to orgasm as quickly or as often as you previously did. View this as time to relax and forget about cancer for a bit;

3. Treatment protocols can cause a myriad of side effects, including hair loss, extreme fatigue, hormonal fluctuations, weight changes, severe nausea, and burns. Surgery and reactions to treatment can negatively impact how patients view themselves.

“Anything that affects the female sexual organs will have repercussions on body image and on a woman’s sex life,” said Emily Hill, MD, a fourth year resident at the University of Chicago Medical Center, and lead author of a study on female cancer patients and sex.

As you try to process the changes to your body and psyche, give yourself permission to feel angry, sad and overwhelmed. Ask your oncologist for a list of support groups or counselors, talk to friends or former patients, become active in online communities, or journal about your experience to help you process. Strategize about what you can do to feel better about yourself.

If you’re a female who has lost her hair, decide if you feel more comfortable wearing a wig, scarf, hat or nothing at all. Do your best to embrace whatever mode you choose and remind yourself that your hair doesn’t represent your sexuality.

When I lost my hair, I made sure that I wore very dramatic eye makeup and heels. After I lost my eye lashes, I began to wear only bright red nail polish on my fingernails. What can you highlight or wear that will help you feel sexy?

4. If you’re in a relationship, it’s critical that you communicate with your partner during this time. He or she might not understand how treatment affects your body, self-image and sex life. Many male and female cancer patients complain of a decrease in sex drive. Females undergoing chemotherapy can also experience menopause-like symptoms of hot flashes, mood changes and vaginal dryness.

If you’re unable to have sex (because of pain, lack of drive, or doctor’s orders), think of how you can remain connected to your significant other. Kissing, cuddling, massages, candles or bathing together are great ways to maintain a level of intimacy with your partner during a health crisis.

When you are able to have sex, talk to your significant other about what positions are the most comfortable for you. Let your partner know that you will need to be treated with extra tender loving care in the bedroom and speak up the moment that anything hurts. Both you and your significant other will need to be patient to help you reach orgasm. If you’ve been fighting nausea, keep mints on your nightstand to make the experience easier to stomach. It’s also advisable to invest in a high-quality lubricant like Liquid Silk or Sliquid to ensure that sex isn’t painful; and

5. If you’d like to have as much sex as possible during treatment, and your doctor is okay with that, then please do so! Likewise, if you don’t feel up to having sex at all, then go with that.

Cancer and treatment will put enough of a toll on you physically and emotionally so there’s no need to add to your stress and frustration. Go easy on yourself and do whatever feels normal and natural to you. If you aren’t sure what to do, talk to your doctor, a nurse, members of a support group, and/or your partner. There are resources and reinforcements out there to help make this difficult time easier to bear – physically, emotionally and sexually.

My go-to guy

In 2011, Best Boy and I went from seeing each other twice a week to once a week. (I wasn't exactly sure why that was, but I didn't have a problem with it either.) In February, I saw him shortly before I headed off to the beach with Philly Matt and my friends.

Th events that transpired at the beach marked the end of my friendship with Philly Matt. I texted Best Boy on my ride home from Rehoboth, saying:

Any chance you’re free tonight? Long weekend. Would love one of your hugs.

Best Boy:  Heading downtown for a meeting. Will come over after. Hope you're ok.

When Best Boy arrived at my place, he was comforting. I didn’t want to talk about what had happened over the weekend. I just wanted him to hold me close, and he did that without me asking him.

Best Boy and I had sex that evening, and again in the morning. It wasn’t mind-blowing, but I was content with our sexual routine.

As we were laying in bed talking, I commented:

I just want my old life back. I’m tired of feeling so sick all the time and looking like this. What kind of cruel joke is it to get a type of cancer that causes you to gain weight?

Best Boy: You don't look like you’ve gained weight.

Me [staring at him with wide eyes]: I’ve gained 23 pounds!

Best Boy lifted up the covers and really looked at my body.

Best Boy: Where?!? I don’t see it.

I kissed him and shook my head with a smile on my face.

Me: Thighs, belly, ass. All over. [I laugh.] You flatter me, but I’ll take it!

Later, as we were both working on my couch, Best Boy asked me what had happened at the beach. I gave him a brief summary of events, and we got into an interesting discussion about the Friends’ Code.

Is it acceptable to sleep with your ex's friends or your friends' exes? Does it matter how close you are to the friend or were to the ex?

Best Boy and I fell into a similar camp in that it depended on whether we loved the ex or not. He recalled how I had tried to set him up with my friend, D, back in September.

Me: Yeah, I so tried to make that one happen for you! But, that was then. I would not be cool with that now.

Best Boy: You wouldn’t?

Me: No. I care about you too much now to be okay with that.

We talked about how the situation applied to our relationship. To this day, I don’t know if Mr. Exec is truly okay with how close Best Boy and I have gotten. But, the fact that Mr. Exec and I never loved each other or were that serious mattered – to all three of us.

When Best Boy headed off to work, I gave him a long hug and kiss goodbye.

Me: Thank you. For everything.

Best Boy was important to me, but I still didn’t feel like I knew if our relationship was going anywhere. And, if so, where?

I decided not to spend too much time overanalyzing what Best Boy and I were and where we were going. I knew that time would tell.

As a postscript:

For those of you who are interested in what I looked like bald and heavy from steroids, click here to see my interview on Let’s Talk Live.