Stef Woods

Five Weeks After My Double Mastectomy

How am I doing five weeks after my double mastectomy?

In the very good news column, my drains are all out! I can now wear clothes that don't button or zip up and take a proper shower! Since last Friday, I've also found myself with more energy and able to be out of the house a few hours a day.

In the not-so-good news column, I was surprised to experience significantly more pain in the third and fourth weeks after my surgery. I barely required any pain medication the first two weeks, and yet I found myself reaching into the medicine cabinet on numerous occasions in the later half of the month. Why was that?

 

For those of you who live in the DC area, yes, I'm the girl who walks with her arms in front of her breasts. I'm doing so in part because the more my chest jostles, the more pain I'm in. I also am trying to guard against anyone bumping into me or trying to hug me. (Both hurt a lot!) It might be an odd sight, but I have to place my comfort over others' confusion. I look forward to a day in the not-so-distant future when I can hug freely again! xoxo

Digital Detox

Is Social Media ruining our minds?

That’s the question that Assisted Living Today posed in an infographic, an excerpt of which is posted below:

In my Sexuality and Social Media class, my students and I discussed whether we, as a society and as individuals, are becoming too connected to our smart phones and computers. Specifically, we evaluated the findings contained in the infographic in light of the following:

  • How much do we prioritize our time online?
  • Can we disconnect long enough to take a tech-free day?
  • How often do we check our phones when we are out with others? What are the rules of etiquette in the age of social media?
  • Who sleeps next to their phones? Is this healthy?

Over the past two years, I’ve learned how to keep my laptop closed at least one day a week. I've found it wise to limit how wired I am to give my brain a chance to rest. I must admit, though, that I would have had a harder time doing that if I wasn't able to easily respond to emails via my BlackBerry.

As I socialize with others, I’ve also started letting each person or group be my guide as to whether I keep my phone in my hand or on the table. If my friends have their phones out of sight, then I’ll try to do the same. If I need to keep my phone out for any reason, I’ll let the person know why. Do I succeed in being 100% present with others at all times? Of course not. But, I’ve gotten better about it, and I’ve learned to acknowledge to myself and my friends when I’m feeling distracted and why that is so.

Although I’ve limited my connectivity, I’ve still found it difficult not to check my phone several times a night. I’m a light sleeper, and I don’t have a clock in my bedroom. So, my telephone became my clock. As I'd roll over throughout the night, I’d click on my phone to check the time. If there was a notification of an email, I'd open my email folder. If a text message came in late at night, I’d read and respond to it, and then I’d look to see if I had any emails. If I was up for longer than three minutes, I’d go on Twitter and respond to a few Tweets. It was a slippery digital slope!

I realized that as light a sleeper as I am, it wasn’t healthy to be spending so much time on my phone in the middle of the night. How much was my sleep disrupted by this? How urgent were any of these matters? And, what message was I sending to The Man about how I prioritize him and my time online?

On Friday night, I started my digital detoxification. My BlackBerry remained in the living room, while I was in the bedroom. Over the past several days, life has gone on without me checking my emails and responding to friends and colleagues at 2:00am. (Note sarcasm.) I’ve also noticed that I fall back asleep faster since I’m not up for as long. I have a feeling that this digital detox is here to stay!

How connected are you? Are there regular times when you consciously choose to be tech-free? Do you have any rules about cell phones when you are out with others or asleep?

Are Bloggers in the Public Eye?

Yesterday, I received the following comment via my website contact form:

Name: K

E-mail Address: citygirlblogs (at) gmail

Question/Comments: Hi there – I met you a couple months ago at a PR networking event and tried to make conversation. You had a terrible expression on your face, responded to a couple of my questions in a painful/ abrupt manner, and then left the event. Someone who knew you said to me, don't worry – she doesn't like public, crowded events. Why put yourself in the public eye with your blog if you can't communicate in person? I'm not trying to criticize; I'm just pointing this out. I wish our correspondence had been different and appreciate what you're doing on your blog. Best of luck. I hope you have a speedy recovery.

***

Dear K,

You raise some interesting points. Since you chose to input my email address, rather than your own, I assume that you aren’t interested in a response or two-way conversation. However, I advise my students, fellow bloggers and several nonprofits to acknowledge criticism and then let it go. It would be uncharacteristic for me not to do the same in this case.

To address your comment point-by-point:

I met you a couple months ago at a PR networking event and tried to make conversation.

So, we met in March or thereabouts, but you only decided to reach out to me now? If our interaction affected you this much, I wish that you had contacted me earlier.

You had a terrible expression on your face, responded to a couple of my questions in a painful/ abrupt manner, and then left the event.

I have absolutely no poker face. When I’m really sick, it shows. I’ve suffered from chronic migraines since I was a teenager, averaging two a week for the past decade. I also have Post-Concussion Syndrome, and noises, crowds and lights can be very disorientating for me. My most recent concussion was in March, and that was my third in eight months. My neurological conditions cause me to get nauseous and dizzy on an almost daily basis. I throw up more in one week than most people do in a year.

Nonetheless, I try to do as much as I can. It’s important for me to support my friends with their endeavors, as well as certain DC organizations, charities and businesses. Sometimes, that causes me to push it or do more than I should. If the pain becomes too severe or I can’t stop vomiting while out in public, I’m definitely anti-social, and I try to leave as quickly as I can.

Other times, I'm waiting for my migraine medicine to work its magic so I can feel better. I threw up three times before this year's Fashion For Paws and didn't talk a lot to people backstage. Four hours later, after my migraine medicine had kicked in, I did my best to rock that charity runway so that no one could tell.

Photo Credit from Fashion For Paws 2012: The Washington Lobbyist

Someone who knew you said to me, don't worry – she doesn't like public, crowded events.

I actually do like most events, but since the complications from my neurosurgery in 2006, my health doesn’t always allow me to enjoy events. Either that person doesn't know me well or she responded to you generally out of respect for my privacy.

Why put yourself in the public eye with your blog if you can't communicate in person?

I didn’t realize that a person with a blog is in the public eye! The words on a blog are public by virtue of how the Internet operates, but the people who write blogs are not public figures. (In fact, quite a few bloggers use pseudonyms on their sites.)

I'm a writer, a professor and an advocate. When I speak on panels or attend an event, that's something that I choose to do. I don't work in news, entertainment or politics.

I fully admit that it’s difficult for me to hold a conversation when I feel ill. On a good day, I’m also not a fan of networking events since they often create a disingenuous and self-serving environment. And, I try to be nice to people, but I’ve never promised to be nice to everyone I meet. (Can anyone promise that?)

With respect to my ability to communicate in person when I’m not sick or in pain, I’ll let my resume speak for itself or my friends speak for me in the comments.

I'm not trying to criticize; I'm just pointing this out.

You clearly are trying to criticize me, but that’s fine. I’m comfortable enough with myself to handle it.

I wish our correspondence had been different and appreciate what you're doing on your blog.

Since this affected you enough to write me a couple of months later, I wish you had reached out sooner. Our interaction might have been different, if you had done so from your own email address. As I’m sure our paths will cross again, I hope you’ll come up to me at a future event.

Best of luck. I hope you have a speedy recovery.

Thank you, Stef

What are your thoughts, readers? Are bloggers in the public eye? How do you feel about networking events? How do you interact with others when you’re sick or having a bad day?

Is It Wise to Share Your Location Online?

Do you use the check-in feature on Facebook or have a Foursquare account? Are your Tweets linked to your location? How much do you post online about your whereabouts?

As a single female who blogs about sex, I’ve been loathe to provide a lot of information about my location. I don’t have a Foursquare account. I never check-in anywhere on Facebook. And, I’ve disenabled the geotagging feature on my Twitter account. I also feel a bit uncomfortable when I see Tweets from my friends in advance of our get-togethers that reveal where we plan to go in the future.

When I began blogging anonymously, I didn’t want people connecting City Girl to Stef Woods. Now that I blog openly, I’m more private than you might expect about where I am and who I’m with. If I acknowledge my whereabouts online, I try to do so as I’m leaving a given location, rather than when I’m there.

I’ve been blessed to have amazingly supportive readers and virtual friends. I don’t want to be disrespectful of that, but I also can’t assume that every reader and every Twitter follower is a good-hearted person. I still cringe every time I see Creepy Apology Man in my neighborhood. Do any of us really know who is paying attention to us – online or off – and whether that attention is harmless?

This topic has been on my mind since I read the blog of one of my Sexuality and Social Media students, Sharon Shih. In a post on "Common Location-Based Social Media Features," she writes:

[It’s] important to point out other applications that may reveal a little too much information about the user. Some social media websites such as Facebook.com provide the option of sharing your location. This can be done on a smartphone or on a computer and now Facebook even includes a map of your exact check-in location with a space to add text and the ability to tag the people you are with. Twitter has a similar feature that allows locations to be added to tweets. While this might seem like a good way for individuals to document where they have been, this also provides sexual predators with a lot of information that can be used to harm.

Another similar application is Foursquare.com, which actively encourages its users to check in their locations on their phones to connect with other friends who might be in the area. The problem is that Foursquare can be linked to other social media sites such as Facebook or Twitter so unless all accounts are completely private, there is a chance that someone who is not a “friend” will see your location.

While these features may seem fairly innocuous, they also hold the possibility of alerting predators to your location. Facebook literally provides a map of where you are, which practically leads an assailant right to your exact current location. As of May 2011, 17% of the U.S. population had checked-in using an app on their mobile device (Hargreaves, 2011). 90% of people who have checked-in have done so using Facebook Places and the top check-in destinations were restaurants, coffee shops/cafes, hotels, and bar/clubs (Hargreaves, 2011). Out of those statistics, the most concerning is probably the amount of people who check in at bars/clubs because of the added factor of alcohol and lessened inhibitions. It is important that the people using these services realize how easy it can be for this information to be used against them, especially if they are not alerted to the dangers. It is necessary for individuals to be aware that what they put out on the Internet can translate to real life in a negative way.

Sharon’s project explores “the utilization of social media by sexual predators to locate and target potential victims. Due to the proliferation in the use of social media, more people are able to be 'connected.' However, these connections can be dangerous if users are not authentic and social media is being used as a tool to connect with potential victims. For this reason, [her] research question is:

Has social media made it easier for sexual predators to find potential victims?

This is a highly important and relevant issue in our society and more awareness needs to be brought to this subject matter. With younger generations beginning to use social media, a new medium to reach potential victims has become available for sexual predators. In order to prevent more violent acts, parents and children should become informed of ways in which to safely use social media. In general, all social media users should become aware of this issue in order to protect themselves from sexual predators because children are not the only ones who are targeted.”

Read more about Sharon's research findings here.

So, do you acknowledge your whereabouts on Foursquare, Facebook or Twitter? Why or why not?

Preparing for Your Mastectomy Surgery

Back in March, my double mastectomy surgery was looming over my head. I was on edge about everything, even commenting on Twitter that I was suffering from PMS (Pre-Mastectomy Syndrome). A week later, tears replaced my ire. I cried for seemingly no reason, although deep down, I knew why I felt so raw. I was sad. I was scared. And, I wanted my surgery to be over and done with.

In early April, something switched inside my head. I let go of what I didn’t have control over and focused on what I could control. I talked openly with both surgeons about their expectations and my anticipated restrictions. Then, I set up a calendar with what I needed and who was helping on what days with which items. The more I organized my schedule, the more empowered I felt.

What suggestions do I have for others preparing for a mastectomy or a similar procedure?

1. Talk to your doctor openly in your pre-operative appointment. Ask your surgeon any or all of the following questions:

  • What laboratory tests are required pre-surgery?
  • Do you need to pre-register before your surgery with the hospital or your insurance company?
  • Is it expected that tissue and muscles will be taken from your back or abdomen? If so, how will that impact your recovery?
  • How limited will you be when you wake up? (Some of my survivor sisters were unable to move their arms to the side or over their shoulders for weeks.)
  • How long will you be in the hospital?
  • What prescriptions will you need to take once you are out of the hospital? Ask your doctor for the prescriptions in advance of your surgery so you can fill them beforehand.
  • How many drains will you have, and how long will they need to stay in?
  • What type of assistance will you require once you are able to go home? Should you hire a nurse?
  • How long will it be before you can shower? Shop for groceries? Return to work? Drive? Have sex? Make your children dinner? Walk your dog?
  • How often will you need to visit the doctor after your surgery? Make your appointments and arrange transportation before your operation.

2. Stock up on surgical bras. For at least one month, you’ll be advised to wear a surgical compression bra 24 hours a day. Get several in advance so you’re not dependent on the hospital for providing one or a loved one for doing your laundry.

3. Purchase and install a detachable shower head to allow you more options for bathing. You might also want to get a shower chair.

4. Talk with your doctor about shaving and deodorant restrictions. (At my 10-day follow-up appointment, I found out that I was allowed to use an electric razor and Crystal Deodorant. I wish that I had known that earlier since I fear that I offended many a caregiver and visitor.)

5. Do you have loungewear and pajamas that button or zip up? If not, purchase a few items of clothing that are easy to put on and take off. Don't expect to have enough range of motion in your arms to put on a round neck sweatshirt.

6. Set up a calendar to make sure that you have assistance during the first two-three weeks. Send all of your caregivers an email with relevant names, phone numbers, addresses, dates and tasks. Be as detailed as possible with your caregivers before surgery.

7. Accept help. A lot of us want to do everything ourselves, but that won’t be realistic after surgery. People will approach you before you head to the hospital with offers to help. Figure out who you feel comfortable with having at the hospital and in your home and take them up on their kind offers!

I’ve found that I do better with help those first few weeks after surgery, rather than just company. (I don’t have the energy to show well-intentioned visitors where things are in my place.)

I'm thrilled to report that my double mastectomy surgery on April 25th went very well. It wasn’t that painful, and I was able to get out of bed, use my phone and hold a small cup once with ease. I’m also incredibly thankful that I surrounded myself with such a wonderful support system – all of whom took the time to read the five-page email that I sent them before surgery and gladly assisted me with whatever I needed!

So, readers, did I miss anything? What tips do you have for future patients?

Online Cheating

There was once a simpler time for intimate relationships. When your communication is based entirely on face-to-face conversations, dates, and truly getting to know and trust one another, two people have the ability to really connect.

This concept is now long gone. With multiple new platforms of communication, including cell phones, email, and, of course, Facebook, people in young relationships have a dozen new things to worry about. At what point do I add him as a friend? Are personal wall-posts appropriate? Should I list him as my boyfriend? How many old pictures of him can I look at before it’s creepy? Are high school prom photo shoots too far back?

Clearly social media has changed relationships. In some cases, it brings them closer. It’s easier than ever to learn more about the person’s likes and personality. Partners in long distance relationships have opportunities to stay close. Yet I’m curious: how has social media affected the level of trust in a relationship? Are chances of cheating higher? What about jealousy? I want to learn more about intimate relationships and social media’s affect on trust, jealousy, and infidelity. I believe this information will give insight into online communication and how it affects one person’s ability to become intimately close to another.

In the above project proposal for our Sexuality and Social Media class, Kyle Dunphy selected a key topic in the intersection of digital technology and sex. Her blog explores relevant issues such as the definition of cheating, whether sexting constitutes cheating, and if cheaters can change their behavior.

Kyle writes:

There are two very important traits that the cheater must possess in order to defeat the “always a cheater” stereotype. First, the cheater must have a strong desire to change their behavior. Although people can often be against the idea, sometimes counseling is a necessity. Mr. Goodbar, an alias for the self-proclaimed cheater and author of the book “The Married Man’s Guide to Cheating,” explains that not enough couples go to counseling, “which can be the key to saving a marriage when the infatuation wears off” (Weigel). As an online cheater, “you don’t actually realize that you’re growing close to someone on the internet because it just looks like you’re having conversation” (English). In this case, you have very little desire to separate yourself from the online world. “Someone who cheats can choose to blame others or they can pause and go deeper and sort of wake up to their life” (Weigel).

Second, the cheater must understand the reasons why he or she strayed from the relationship. When Dr. Kent-Ferraro had an affair that resulted in divorce, he took time to himself and analyzed his behavior, determined his reasons for cheating, and then proved his trustworthiness and affection for his wife again (Kent-Ferraro). Once he was able to pinpoint the reasoning behind his behavior, he was able to change his beliefs and his actions.

So, readers, do you think that a cheater will always cheat?

Want to learn more? Check out Kyle’s blog and Tweets.

SEXial mEDia

Earlier in the semester, my Sexuality and Social Media students and I discussed this video from Bedsider.org:

What are your thoughts on how the video encourages birth control use?

One of my students, Emjay, conducted her research for her class project on whether social media outlets specifically targeted towards sexual education are effective in their real world application. She explored Bedsider's offerings, including its section for "Reminders." Emjay writes:

“Set up a reminder and leave the rest to us” is the tag line (Bedsider). Speaking as someone who uses this feature on my phone I can say they really do take care of everything. There are two options of reminders: appointment or birth control reminder. You must certify that you are over the age of 13 and have a cell phone or have the expressed consent from an account owner. Under the appointment reminder you select the date and time of the appointment then if you would like the reminder sent to your e-mail or your phone. I have the reminder sent directly to my phone but you can text “STOP” to end it or “HELP” for more information.

For the birth control reminder you first select the type of birth control from ring, pill, patch or shot.  These are the only options because according to Bedsider, “These are the only methods you need to remember on a set schedule, separate from the heat of the moment. It’d be tough for us to remind you when to use a condom or put in a sponge—there’s no way we could know when you’re going to get busy!” (Bedsider). (Although I wish there was an reminder for condom use, that might get a little creepy.)

At your selected date and time, Bedsider then texts you a fun messages like, “Two new findings suggest: Women prefer men with deep voices. Men with deep voices have lower sperm counts. No matter what he sounds like, please take your pill.” However, you can also select for a “less frisky option” (@Bedsider) that makes no mention of birth control or your specific method. Instead of setting an alarm or constantly being aware of what time it is, Bedsider provides a fun way to remind yourself to take your birth control.

For her project, Emjay also held a roundtable discussion with nine college students to: 1) evaluate the information contained within eight popular sex education websites; and 2) engage in open dialogue about sex and sex education. Click here to find out which websites the group liked the best and follow Emjay on Twitter for related updates!

PS Emjay came up with the catchy title for her blog and this post. Social Media + Sexual Education = SEXial mEDia!

What if your partner isn’t supportive during a health crisis?

It's been two weeks since I had a double mastectomy, and I'm thankfully continuing to recoup well. The pain is minimal enough that I was able to stop pain medications last week. I unfortunately still have two drains coming out of my armpits, and they are uncomfortable and limiting. I also find myself getting out of breath often and losing focus easily. I'm hoping to get the last two drains out on Monday and receive clearance to drive and walk my dog by Memorial Day. I feel very glad that my doctors and I decided upon this course of treatment, and I'm incredibly grateful that I'm able to do as much as I can. Progress, not perfection, right?

During a recent interview with Breast Cancer Answers, I was asked about my thoughts on dealing with an unsupportive partner during a health crisis like breast cancer. Here's what I had to say:

Have you or a loved one had to deal with this? What thoughts do you have?