sex

Sex Ed

The vows of abstinence break far more than latex — Dr. Joycelyn Elders.

These powerful words from the closing keynote at last week’s Momentum Conference on Sexuality, Feminism and Relationships are still resonating with me. Dr. Elders joined fellow panelists and sexual educators Lara Riscol and Esther Perel to speak about Sex in America: Changing the Conversation between Smut and Sanctimony. The highlights on Storify are available here.

A fair amount of the session addressed the need for comprehensive sex education throughout the lifespan. Dr. Elders also commented that:

The best contraception is a good education.

The panel’s focus on sex education reminded me of one of my Sexuality and Social Media students’ projects. Demi is writing about whether sex should be discussed in the classroom. Specifically, she's exploring the conversation of sex education in schools and examining age appropriate health class discussions, contraception accessibility, and the teacher-student relationship in the classroom. She also is summarizing the sex education debate and concluding to what extent sexuality should be incorporated into the academic curriculum.

Demi has looked at reports about sex education in schools in the US, and the statistics are interesting to say the least. According to the National Conference of State Legislatures:

• 37 states require school districts to allow parental involvement in sexual education programs;
• Three states require parental consent before a child can receive instruction;
• 35 states and the District of Columbia allow parents to opt-out on behalf of their children;
• 21 states and the District of Columbia require public schools to teach sex education (including HIV education);
• 35 states and the District of Columbia require students receive instruction about STIs and HIV/AIDS; and
• 17 states require sex education curricula to be medically accurate and/or age appropriate. State policies vary in their determination of “medically accurate;” some require that state health departments review curricula, while others require that the facts taught come from “published authorities upon which medical professionals rely.”

I find it fascinating that so many legislatures and parents in this day and age still question the necessity of sex education. As Dr. Elders and so many other sex educators opine, sex education should occur from kindergarten through 12th grade. I look forward to reading more about Demi's findings.

What type of sex education, if any, did you receive? Did any of the above statistics surprise you?

Is it sex?

How do you define sex?

I’ve written about this topic before, and I acknowledge that my definition has been very heteronormative. I’m a straight female who has only had sex with male partners. I consider it sex when there’s penetration vaginally or anally, but I don’t consider it sex when I give or receive oral sex.

I’ve been wondering lately, though, if my definition of sex marginalizes those who don’t identify with me. I would never question whether my lesbian friends needed to have penetration to be intimate with a partner so why do definitions matter so much? If my partner cheated on me with only oral sex, would I say that he hadn’t cheated on me? Of course not!

I started thinking about this a lot after reading the posts of one of my students, Carmen Rios. Carmen writes for Autostraddle, the world’s most popular, independently owned website for lesbian, bisexual and queer women. In a post on her blog about Learning About Sex Online, Carmen quotes the following passage from the e-zine:

We’ve gotten at least five billion questions via email and formspring from lesbians of all ages who haven’t had lesbian sex and are worried they don’t know “how.” Well, listen: enjoying sex isn’t about memorizing 16 positions or knowing the best angle to fuck from, enjoying sex is half-animal half-heart and only rarely has it got anything to do with your rational brain, or cognitive reasoning, or anything a person could tell you or anything you could read on the internet.

And whereas it’s true that one day you’ll be more confident and experienced than you are now, it’s also true that your body was born knowing how to have sex like it knows how to eat and knows how to walk. Your first time doesn’t have to be a big deal; some of us don’t even remember our first times. Alternately, if you want it to be a big deal, it can be. But ultimately every woman is different — totally, completely, entirely different — from the next. So what could we tell you, really?

In her project for my Sexuality and Social Media class, Carmen is exploring "the intersection of queer people, sex, and the Internet. The Internet is the new forefront for education. But for people who didn’t learn anything that applicable in sex education, it’s the entire classroom experience. [She wants] to examine how that changes the understanding of sex for queer people, and how the Internet has impacted their sexual lives."

Carmen included this chart on her blog recently, and I smiled when I saw it:

 

I like the way Autostraddle defines sex by not defining it narrowly or in a way that excludes anyone. I guess it’s time that I do the same. Does that mean I have to change my number, though ;)?

So, how do you define sex? Do you have a number of partners, and what had to happen to include a person on that list?

What can I do about the smell…?

A reader recently asked me the following question on Formspring:

I've been having a problem with strong vaginal odor. STD testing came back negative, but I'm not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

Answer: Thanks for your question, as I'm sure you're not alone! Since you didn't provide a lot of detail, I wonder:

Is the odor constant throughout the month? Have you had any hormonal or dietary changes recently, or are you on any medication? Are your periods normal?

I commend you for getting tested to rule out any infections. I hope that you and your doctor discussed your overall health and whether you need to see a specialist.

I assume your doctor let you know that douches are not a good solution. Douching can actually change the healthy bacteria in your vagina and has been linked to an increase in vaginal health problems. If you want to learn more about douching from Health and Human Services, click here.

I talked with two friends who have their PhDs in health, and we came up with several suggestions. You might wish to consider:

  • Taking a probiotic supplement or increasing your yogurt intake. That idea is confirmed by Drs. Northrup and Oz to get the right balance of healthy bacteria in your vagina.
  • Reducing or eliminating tobacco and alcohol from your diet.
  • Limiting dairy (other than yogurt), red meat, foods with a lot of alkaline (like certain fish), garlic, broccoli and asparagus.
  • Confirming with your doctor whether you were tested for a bacterial infection or BV.
  • Increasing your intake of pineapple and orange fruit or juice. (Non-scientific studies have shown a link between taste/odor and intake of these fruits.)
  • Increasing exercise to help sweat the unhealthy bacteria out. (Make sure that you're wearing cotton underwear that isn't too tight when you're exercising.)
  • Investigating whether you could be having an allergic reaction to latex, a bath product (soap, tampons, powders, etc.), lubricant or toy. Make sure you're using natural products or eliminate one of them to determine if it's causing problems.

I hope that it can be resolved in the not so distant future. Please keep me posted.

It's worth remembering that clean, healthy vaginas have some natural odor. Our bodies are wild, wonderous things. We shouldn't be ashamed of them.

Readers, did I miss anything? Do you use any natural bath products or lubricants? What are your favorites?

Video Vixens, Female Musicians…and Double Standards

When I was an awkward 13-year-old girl who couldn't get a boy to call her, I found myself wishing I looked like an extra in a music video. I wanted to shed my glasses, braces, permed bob and baggy clothes for long hair, curves and leather. I dreamed of leaving the Academic Team to do cartwheels on a Jaguar like Tawny Kitaen. She exuded such confident and sex appeal!

What message was I being sent by the media and music industry regarding standards of beauty? How much has changed 25 years later with respect to how the music industry sexualizes women and perpetuates gender stereotypes and double standards?

When I read the project proposal of one of my Sexuality and Social Media students, Joan Ronstadt, I smiled. There needs to be more people examining this issue. Joan's proposal is as follows:

“Eye Candy,” “Pop Tarts,” and a million other degrading and useless terms are thrown at musicians. Some say that it doesn’t matter how talented you are (whether you have talent or the lack there of) as long as you look the part. The “part” is usually some variation of “sexy.” Unless you are insanely talented to the point that no one cares what you look like (this is impossible), you will be judged not on dedication and performance ability but on how short your skirt is.

Both male and female musicians face this problem. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve heard young girls say, “he’s my favorite band member because he has the best abs!” What? How does that affect his ability to play guitar? Unfortunately, and not surprisingly, women have it a lot worse than men. Female musicians, or females entering the music business/world as a whole, are subjugated to unsolicited commentary about their sexuality. This unsolicited commentary comes in the form of experts*. Either they are admonished for being too sexual or not sexual enough. Not to mention women who are “extras” in videos (I’m referring not only to Hip-Hop videos, but to the infamous “White Snake” video). Why is it that women in music receive attention for their levels of sexuality and not talent (or lack there of)? This is what I plan to find out!

I’ll be looking up blogs about music, sexuality, women and any combination there of. I’ll also be researching if there is in fact any scholarly information about this subject. A lot of this will be opinion based, but seeing as I’m investigating why online communities feel the need to share their opinions about females in the music industry’s sexuality, I feel like it’s relevant. I’m also going to be scouring gossip sites. Not for their content, but comment sections (primary sources!). I’ll also be conducting at least one survey. I will also look at interviews by the women I’m referencing to and try to get some interviews of my own.

The main reason I’m doing this is because, well I’m a woman, and I am/want to be part of the music industry. Not as an artist (haha, yeah right) but as a journalist. I have my own music magazine (shameless plug) and thought it would be interesting to learn more about the world I’m getting myself into and why exactly it is that my gender tends to be over-sexualized and then berated for it by the media or online communities.

*By experts I mean, a group of people who have a higher sense of self, free time and access to a computer.

Check out Joan's blog, Video Killed The Radio Star, to read more.

What are your thoughts about the double standards that exist in the music industry? Do you have a problem with how women are represented in certain videos and lyrics?

Oh My Tor II!

When it comes to adult toys for couples, cock rings offer versatility and pleasure. The ring tightens around the man's shaft to allow for a prolonged erection and more intense orgasm. Accoutrements and vibrations on the ring provide mild to moderate clitoral, vaginal, scrotal or anal stimulation.

For those who haven’t tried cock rings before, there are nice products on the market designed for one-time use. You can enjoy 20 minutes of vibrations for around $12, which may be a wise option if you’re engaging in sex with multiple partners.

What if $12 for 20 minutes of vibrations doesn't cut it, though? What if you're looking for a cock ring to be a permanent fixture in your boudoir?

Enter the Lelo Tor II or the Crème de la Crème of Cock Rings!

  

Noteworthy features of the Tor II:

  • Waterproof for fun in the shower, bath or Jacuzzi.
  • Discreet. This toy is unassuming so it’s perfect for travel.
  • Rechargeable. A two-hour charge will provide you with a two-hour charge.
  • Multiple speeds that provide mild to moderate vibrations. It's an added bonus that the vibrations are very quiet.
  • Body-friendly silicone. This is a Lelo product so you don’t have to worry about the use of any potentially-toxic materials.
  • Highly recommended for heterosexual couples. Approximately 1/4 of women can orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. The rest require clitoral stimulation and/or the use of a toy. The clit has thousands of nerve endings so the vibrations of the Tor II will be a welcome addition to a female's bedroom routine.

Just how enjoyable is the Tor II? A transcript of a recent evening with this product would read as follows:

Oh My God!
Ooh My God!!
Oooh My God!!!
Oooohh My God!!!!

This toy also might have played a pivotal role in me waking his neighbor up in the middle of the night. Allegedly.

At $119, the Tor II is a pricier product, but it will get the job done for years to come. Lelo even offers a 12-month warranty on the toy. To protect your investment, make sure you use water-based lubricant with the Tor II. (That will prevent the silicone from becoming tacky and a man from getting chaffed.)

A few minor criticisms about the Tor II:

  • Lelo claims that there are six powerful modes to this toy, but I only noticed four.
  • The streamlined design of the ring is aesthetically pleasing, but it can take a minute to turn the product on and off. That can be a bit uncomfortable for the man after he reaches orgasm.
  • If a man is very wide, the Tor II will likely be too constricting for him. The goal here is for the ring to be tight without being painful.

The significant pros to this toy far outweigh the small negatives, though. The Lelo Tor II is that rare couple's product that will never be in a drawer collecting dust. I thus give the Tor II a solid Four Squeals of Approval. (If I gave half squeals, I would do so here.) Those who get this toy won't regret it.

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received the Lelo Tor II from the manufacturer without compensation in exchange for my honest review of the product therein.

Relationships and Social Media

The growth of social media has expanded the definition of what constitutes cheating and provided new mediums for initiating and maintaining an affair. Internet infidelity, emotional affairs and inappropriate sexting with an ex weren’t an issue before the advent of laptops and smart phones. Navigating a relationship in the age of social media can thus seem trickier than climbing Mount Everest. There’s no guidebook or set path to follow.

What are five tips for avoiding some of the relationship pitfalls and dealing with what really matters in the age of social media?

1. Ground Rules: At a certain point in a relationship, patterns develop and rules are discussed. You know how often you’ll be seeing the person. You know who typically will be paying for a meal, doing most of the driving when you go out of town or picking up a bottle of wine for a dinner party. Once you move in with a person, there will be additional rules established for housework, bills and home maintenance.

Set ground rules for using social media. What photos do you feel comfortable sharing online? What accounts, information and pictures can be public? Can you be friends with people that you used to date? Does relationship status on Facebook matter to you? Could sharing too much about your relationship have negative professional ramifications or make you feel awkward around your family?

2. Established Norms: There are some rules that shouldn’t need to be discussed. However, it’s best to address everything before to avoid a potential fight later. Relationship issues or problems should not be discussed on any social network. There is absolutely no need for your friends, family and co-workers to know about your relationship problems. Period.

For those of you who blog, the same rules apply. Your significant other shouldn't be finding out your thoughts about the relationship for the first time by reading a post.

3. Friendships with Exes: As a general rule of thumb, it’s worth remembering that women traditionally care about any other woman that their significant other loved. Men, by contrast, care about any other man with whom their significant other had sex. That's important with respect to online communication since a huge benefit of social media is reconnecting with old friends. When those friends are exes, that’s not always a good thing for your current relationship.

Discuss this openly and make sure that you both are on the same page. One person in the couple may have more of a problem with friendships with exes online and off, and a compromise will be in order. You might need to weigh the costs of liking an ex’s status updates and photos against your current partner’s contentment. That should be an easy choice, but if there’s a reason why you want to stay in touch with a particular ex, communicate those reasons with your significant other.

4. Public Accounts: A healthy relationship requires trust, honesty and communication. Keep your accounts public to ensure that you think before you friend, follow, Tweet or comment. Don’t say anything via text, Gchat or email that you would have a problem with your partner seeing. It’s a slippery slope if you start to communicate with a member of the opposite sex in a secretive way. In this day and age, you don’t need to meet someone for a drink or have sex with another person for your significant other to feel as though you have been cheating.

5. Break Ups: For those of you who are over the age of 21, I would also address the fact that social media should not be used to end a relationship. (Breaking up via social media is tacky at any age, but there’s no excuse for it after college.) If you’re in an adult relationship, an in-person break up is warranted since there are emotions involved and possible logistics to discuss.

Communicating with your significant other offline is the key to successful online relationships.

What would you add to this list? How have you and your partner navigated social media pitfalls?

Third-Generation Birth Control

Have you heard of third-generation birth control?

The patch and the NuVa Ring fall into this category, while the Yaz family of birth control pills are classified as fourth-generation birth control.

I first learned of these terms, while reading an article that one of my students, Kelcie Pegher, wrote for a Colorado newspaper. The article is entitled, "When Being Safe Is Unsafe" and illuminated me as to some of the risks of these birth control methods.

Read more to find out about Kelcie Pegher's findings after her boss handed her the tragic obituary of a 24-year-old female.

For her final project in my class, Kelcie is exploring the following topic:

Generation Y is less prepared in communicating successfully in a romantic way with the opposite sex because their technological advances limit them. We live in a world with Facebook, Twitter, text messaging, talking on the phone and of course, real life. With my experiences and friends I find most people of my generation are uncomfortable with the basic idea of speaking with someone on the phone or when to friend someone they are interested in.

I would like to explore this by conducting interviews about the appropriate time and ways to talk to someone with romantic entanglements. I would also like to search articles and blog posts about the ways social media is changing our generation. I’m interested in this topic because I feel as though we’re emotionally stunting ourselves by having so much technology at our fingertips. I hope you’ll join me in my exploration and I will post my findings and research here.

Throughout the next two months, I'll be highlighting at least one post from each of my Sexuality and Social Media students' blogs. Given the limited amount of research on the intersection between the fields of new media and sexuality, my students are exploring cutting-edge topics, including:

  • The appeal of online dating;
  • Safe online spaces for queer youth;
  • Internet safety and dating violence;
  • Online sex education; and
  • How females are portrayed by the music industry.

I hope you'll find a topic that interests you. xoxo

Giveaway – Hands on Sexy Feet

It's time for a Friday Giveaway, and this is a great one!

Are you familiar with reflexology?

Reflexology is an ancient healing art of stimulating the feet that reduces stress and improves your physical well-being. Experts estimate that 80-90% of disease is stress related, and massage combats this stress by helping us relax. In each foot there are over 7,000 nerve endings – called reflexes – which correspond to every organ and system within your body. Simply pressing on those reflex points can elicit a response from the nervous system that helps to soothe and balance the entire body.

I've been a fan of reflexology since high school, when my mom began receiving treatments at a holistic health center. We had a book about reflexology at home and began giving our own foot massages with the goal of stimulating the correct pressure points.

I wish that wellness expert Michelle Ebbin's books had been available back then, but we're lucky that we can rely on her expertise now!

“My goal is to teach people about the benefits of massage therapy and how to incorporate it into your lifestyle for optimal health, enhanced relationships and overall well-being.” ~ Michelle Ebbin

Michelle is passionate about the healing benefits of touch. She founded Basic Knead in 1994 with the goal of creating unique massage products that everyone can use to bring the healing power of touch into their daily life. A graduate of Columbia University and the Institute of Psycho-Structural Balancing (I.P.S.B.) in Los Angeles, Michelle has authored best-selling books and created award-winning DVDs and massage products.

A few highlights from Michelle Ebbin's illustrious career include:

• #1 best-selling author on books about Reflexology & Baby Massage including:

– Hands on Sexy Feet
– Hands on Feet
– Hands on Baby Massage
– The Little Book of Reflexology

• Featured expert & host in the #1 massage DVD series in the World (Gaiam/Living Arts)

• Featured massage expert for iamplify.com

• Featured on Live with Regis and Kelly and The View and in Cosmopolitan and Marie Claire

• Partner in the development of a new touch therapy program for cancer patients with City of Hope, one of the leading NCI-designated Comprehensive Cancer Centers in the world

• Spokesperson for The Naturalizer brand shoe company’s N5 Comfort Shoe and their Wellness from the Ground Up campaign

Follow Michelle on Twitter and Facebook to find out more about her.

Michelle has generously offered to give one lucky reader a copy of her best-selling book about reflexology, Hands on Sexy Feet, with the Sexy Love Sox!
 

What's the book about?

The book is the follow-up to the bestselling Hands on Feet. This new book-plus package from Michelle K. Ebbin teaches you how to use reflexology to stimulate the body’s erogenous zones to improve sexual intimacy and performance, in addition to overall health and well-being. With the included pair of unisex, one-size-fits-all Sexy Love Sox™, descriptive graphics on the sole of each sock show exactly where to press to relax your partner and turn him or her on. The user-friendly book includes simple techniques and helpful information about reflexology, how it works, and how it can be used to boost your libido and naturally improve your sex life.

With the unique map of the body on the bottom of each sock, easy-to-follow instructions, and line illustrations throughout, Hands on Sexy Feet makes the benefits of sensual reflexology accessible to everyone—and a lot of fun to use.

Want to win a copy of Michelle Ebbin's book and the Love Sox? One winner will be chosen randomly on Friday, March 2, 2012 at noon EST. To enter, you must be a US resident and comment below with the words, "Hands on Sexy Feet!"  Good luck! xoxo

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, no compensation was received in exchange for this post or giveaway.

Dreams about the Same Sex

It’s Formspring time!

Question: I am a single woman in her 30s. I date men and enjoy all kinds of sexual activity with them. Recently, in my dry spell, I’ve been having very graphic sexual dreams involving other women. I’m concerned that my psyche is trying to tell me something. Help!

Answer: Thanks for your question. Dreams can have different meanings for different people, but it’s worth remembering that sexual dreams are completely normal. Many psychologists believe that dreams about kisses or sex with a member of the same sex represent compassion, self-acceptance and self-love. Those are great qualities to possess!

You mentioned that you’ve been in a dry spell lately so it’s also possible that your subconscious is doing its part of remedying that for you. If you're also having dreams about certain close female friends in your life, your dreams might just be a reflection of your strong connection to them.

It’s difficult to infer intonation or intent in a few sentences that were written by a person I don’t know in real life. I’m not sure if your use of the phrases, “enjoy all kinds of sexual activity” and “concerned that my psyche is trying to tell me something,” merely provide background and reflect your confusion about your dreams. I don't want to ignore the other possibility, though. Have you’ve found yourself wondering if you might be interested in exploring a relationship with a woman?

Having a dream about a woman doesn’t mean that you want to have sex with a woman, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t. There’s no wrong option here, as long as it feels right to you. If you might be interested in exploring a sexual relationship with a member of the same sex, I hope you feel comfortable doing so. If that’s not of interest to you, I imagine that your vivid dreams will subside when a new partner enters the picture.

Hope that’s helpful. Good luck! xoxo

Did I miss anything, readers?

Safety First Giveaway with Lucky Bloke

Sex is exciting.

Walking into a store, and purchasing condoms, not so much.

And, running out of condoms isn’t just awkward – it can have some very unwelcome consequences.

There is simply no reason to be without condoms when you need them. That's where Lucky Bloke, the ultimate condom subscription service, comes in.

Discreet and affordable international delivery of top-selling condoms and lubricant.

We have carefully selected the top condoms in the world – including, Kimono, Glyde, Billy Boy, RFSU, Durex, and Trojan condoms. You can create your own personalized collection for monthly delivery.

Change it as often a you’d like. (That definitely will allow for exploring new products in absolute privacy, or sticking with tried and true favorites! Whatever you desire…)

A subscription to LuckyBloke.com offers discreet and reliable delivery of top-selling condoms at affordable prices. Sent via mail, your fresh, new condoms arrive – no matter where your global travels might take you.

    

A monthly subscription varies from 6-24 condoms depending on a person's activity. Each person creates his or her own subscription, based on taste and needs. Basically, the only "rule" is that condoms are sold in sets of six (or six packs) meaning that you choose in sets of six condoms of the same brand and style. (If you want 18 condoms, but of only one brand – you choose 3 – 6 packs.)

Your monthly subscription to LuckyBloke.com is something you can count on. You can place it on hold or cancel any time.

Your condoms are always available to you when need them.

Your custom selection is delivered in a confidential unmarked package to any valid address of your choosing. (Office, dorm, your lover's place? You name it).

Our favorite part?

10% of our sales are given to urgent humanitarian causes. And, you are able to choose the cause you would like your subscription to support! Currently choices include: charity: water, UNICEF, and It Gets Better Project.

You choose the adventure, we provide the gear – and together, we do our part to save the world.

Lucky Bloke is willing to give THREE readers a one-month subscription. Each winner can go on the site and choose whatever monthly package of condoms fits his or her needs and activity level. (Condoms are provided in packages of six and a monthly subscription ranges from six to 24 condoms.)

How will this giveaway work?

1. One winner will be chosen on each of the following days: Tuesday, January 31st, Wednesday, February 1st and Thursday, February 2nd.

2. Since the theme is "Safety First," the person who comments first with "Lucky Bloke," on each of those days starting at 2pm Eastern Standard Time (11am Pacific Standard Time) wins. If you win for one of those days, you may not enter again.

3. Lucky Bloke will contact each winner to collect on the subscriptions. The winners will not be automatically signed up for the service.

4. Lucky Bloke ships worldwide so wherever you live, you're eligible to enter!

5. There's a chance that Lucky Bloke might give an additional fourth subscription to the person with the best comment. So, if you can't make it to your computer or smart phone at 2pm EST, it's still worth commenting. Just make sure to include why you'd love to receive a month's subscription.

Giveaway starts on Tuesday, January 31st at 2pm EST so get your comments ready!

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, no compensation was received by City Girl Blogs for this post or to conduct this giveaway.