sex

Toy shopping for others

I recently overheard the following conversation at Pleasure Place in Georgetown:

Girl [holding her boyfriend's hand and pointing to a vibrator with her other hand]: So…do you think that your sister would like that one?

Guy: I don't know. Maybe she'd like the big black one? That's huge!!! [They laugh.]

I normally don't interject myself into other people's conversations, but I made an exception to that rule on this occasion.

Me: Maybe you should get something smaller or find out what she likes first? [Point to the mini vibrators on the next wall.} Or, ask the salespeople for their opinions. They're very helpful here!

What I really wanted to say was, "Your SISTER?!? Why are you buying sex toys for your sister? Abort mission! Abort!!!"

Unless you know what your friend/relative/significant other likes, I don't recommend going sex toy shopping for him or her. Buying sex toys isn't like buying a popular DVD or a body lotion that smells nice. Sex toys are not generic gifts to purchase since they are by their nature personal. It's also worth remembering that people's comfort levels in talking about sex, testing their sexual boundaries or receiving sexual gifts vary.

Want to explore with your partner or encourage your significant other to try something new?

Talk with your partner first! Communicate about likes, dislikes and sexual goals. Then, go shopping for your significant other. Or, better yet, shop together — either online or at a store. Use the conversation and the shopping experience to grow closer as a couple.

Buying a gift for a friend?

Talk with your friend first! Make sure that you are getting your friend something that he or she would like and use. One of my friends takes her small bullet vibrators with her on vacation, and unfortunately she has a knack for leaving them in hotel nightstands. (Yes, in the drawer with the Bible…) I offered to go get her a new one since I'm in Georgetown so often.

When I arrived at Pleasure Place, I realized that there are bullets the size of my pinky and bullets the size of my thumb. I didn't want to chance getting her the wrong one (you don't mess with your girl's sex toys) so I picked up the phone and called her. She was happy, and I didn't have to worry about coming back to make an exchange!

Shopping for a bachelorette party? Sex toys or gag gifts can be fun. But, is there really a point in embarrassing the bride-to-be with a 10" plastic cock? I don't think so, but to each her own.

Looking for a gift for your relative? Stick with a book or a sweater! Seriously!

It’s Friday and I’m still in love

Friday, September 18, 2009

Buckeyes Boy and I couldn't stop smiling and giggling as we got in my car to go to Safeway. I hoped that my wallet was there, but the store manager said that no one had turned anything in that evening. We walked back to the car.

Me: Did you search all over the car? [Buckeyes Boy nods. I crouch down to look more and sure enough, my wallet is under the floor mat.]

Me: Did you look here? [I pull up the wallet to show him, laughing.]

Buckeyes Boy: I did! It wasn't there. [We laugh and I go around the car to hug him.]

Me: I'm just happy I found it. [I kiss him.] At least one of us has a credit card now! [He had lost his wallet that week.] Let's go inside and get some stuff.

Grocery shopping is rarely fun so it might sound odd to say that we had a great time in the supermarket! We were in the first aid aisle, looking at things to help heal the colony of cold sores on my bottom lip.

Buckeyes Boy: Let me call Nikki [his younger sister]. She had a huge cold sore last month and put some patch on it and it was gone overnight.

His phone didn't have service in the store (we were far from the city, after all) so he borrowed mine and left her a message.

Me: You realize that Nikki is so going to call Tina [his older sister] tomorrow, saying that you just called her about your new girl's cold sore! [We start cracking up, as he hands me back my phone.]

Me: Umm…you didn't end the call!

Buckeyes Boy: What? [Our eyes get really big as we wonder if our conversation and laughter just ended up in the voicemail.]

We were laughing so hard by this point that we had tears in our eyes. He had told me that his sisters never approved of the fact that he dated white women, and we both wondered if the "Cold Sore Call" would just exacerbate the situation.

Nikki called him back in a few minutes and told him which cold sore remedy she used. She didn't mention anything about the message or our discussion afterward. Maybe she just called him right back without listening to everything? Hopefully…

When Buckeyes Boy and I stopped laughing, we returned to shopping. In one aisle, I decided to do a little provocative dance for him with my scarf. He seemed to enjoy it, but I had to bring things down to a PG-13 rating when a teenage bag boy walked down the aisle.

We went down another aisle and Buckeyes Boy stopped me. He put his hands on my face, smiled and looked me in the eyes. He thanked me for dinner and for helping him out since he didn't have his credit card. He told me that he's never met anyone like me…that he feels like he's the lucky one…and how great the past eight days had been.

I was so touched by what he said that I started crying right there in the supermarket. We stayed in the middle of the aisle for a few minutes, hugging and kissing. And, it might just have been the fluorescent lights, but I think I saw his eyes getting watery, too.

Me: I love how we can go from laughing so hard that we have tears in our eyes in one aisle to a heartfelt discussion in another. I also love how you are a strong black man, but you are also comfortable enough to lean on me. [After my experience with Philly Matt, I really liked the fact that Buckeyes Boy didn't feel emasculated if I paid for things.]

We kissed again. (And, yes, all of our kisses were with really open mouths so my yucky bottom lip didn't touch his lips.)

We finished our shopping and headed home. It didn't take us long to get back into bed. I loved our lazy mornings of great sex and long showers together – I could definitely get used to this!

When we were in the shower, I almost asked him to pinch me because it felt like I was dreaming. Everything was perfect!

A 2nd great date

September 2009

My first date with Buckeyes Boy was amazing! I knew that I was attracted to him physically from the moment that I laid eyes on him, but I didn't expect that we would have such a strong emotional connection!

After he left my place to meet his sister, I heard from him later in the afternoon. He said that he was stuck in a heated family discussion at his family's place in Maryland, but that he would come back to DC as soon as he could. I texted him that if he wanted to stay over, we could head out to Northern Virginia to watch football at my friends' house the next day. He said that he would love to! *Sigh*

(Oh, and if you know me in real life or through my blog, you realize that my friends are my family. I rarely – as in, three relationships in 21 years – let guys I'm dating interact with my friends. My friends were thus shocked when I asked if I could bring a guy over to their house. I sensed their surprise, and just said that Buckeyes Boy was different…and special.)

Buckeyes Boy made it to my apartment at 9:30pm. I smiled when he walked through the door, but my big cheesy grin didn't do justice to how I felt. My toes tingled, my heart beat fast, and I had to restrain myself from not jumping up and down! Yes, I was that happy to see him!

Since it was late, we decided not to go out to dinner. I heated up some food that I had in the fridge, and we did almost the same thing that we did the night before. We talked. We laughed. We watched some college football. We connected. Oh, and, we kissed until our lips were sore ;). (I never realized how much I was into biting until Buckeyes Boy came along.)

He told me about the family issues that were going on, and they reminded me a lot of the problems that I've had with my Dad since my Mom died. This was only our second date, and yet I felt like we could — and were — talking about anything and everything with each other. This was unique for me!

Buckeyes Boy and I joked about what we would say when people asked how we met, and that meeting on an online dating site might garner more approval than the truth. I practiced saying, "We met at a Twitter charity event," a few times without laughing, but to no avail.

We both commented how thankful we were that: 1) he had come from Toronto to DC to spend time with his family and decided to volunteer at the event; and 2) I didn't end up going out with my friends that night and instead chose to go to the event to support Miriam's Kitchen and promote my blog. And, being the dork that I am, I let Buckeyes Boy know that he had me at Twestival!

After 1am, we headed into the bedroom. I wanted to have sex with him, but I knew that it was better to wait at least a little bit. And, thankfully, Buckeyes Boy respected that. It was an added bonus that all of that making out was hot enough to tide us over for a while.

The next morning, we stayed in bed late, kissing, snuggling and talking. This all just felt so right, and I felt so much for him so quickly. It seemed surreal, and yet, it wasn't. We were here…together! And, all those trite expressions:

You just haven't met the right one yet;

Love will find you when you least expect it/aren't looking for it; and

When it's right, you'll know…

Suddenly. Made. Sense!

A GREAT first date

September 2009

I went to bed after the Twestival with a huge smile on my face because of Buckeyes Boy. Eight hours later, I woke up and found that I was still thinking about him! I hadn't felt this excited about a new guy in a very long time!

I sat down at my laptop to write a blog post about how it felt to selectively come out to people as a relationship and sex blogger for the first time at the Twestival. I also included a paragraph about meeting Buckeyes Boy, our instant connection, and how I felt a bit unsettled about the fact that I gave him the business card with my blog info on it two minutes after meeting him.

After I finished the post, I e-mailed it to Buckeyes Boy. Twenty minutes later, my phone rang, and he was on the other line! [Insert giddy schoolgirl squeal here.] We talked for almost two hours, as we kept getting to know each other.

Me: So…did you have a chance to read the post I sent you?

Buckeyes Boy: Yeah, I really liked it and think you brought up a lot of great points about the double standard when it comes to sex. And, you're right! We all have pasts. At our age, that shouldn't be a big deal.

Me: I totally agree. And, in case you were wondering, the great guy I met last night was you!

Buckeyes Boy: I wasn't sure, but I was hoping that it was.

Me: Did you read anything else?

Buckeyes Boy: A few things, but I didn't spend much time on there. Robitussin! [We start cracking up since that's a line from one of my blow job posts.]

I didn't have any set plans that night, but I didn't want to seem like the dorky girl who was going to stay home and work on her thesis on a Friday night. I decided to risk that, though, since I really wanted to see him!

Me: What are you up to later?

Buckeyes Boy: I don't have anything planned. What are you going to do?

Me: I was just going to have pizza and watch American Gangster. Wanna come over and join me?

Buckeyes Boy: Yeah, I'd like that.

Buckeyes Boy arrived at my place at around 9pm. I felt so happy around him and loved how easily our conversation flowed.

I asked him more about his family and learned that his Mom had passed away when he was 25.

Me: I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how tough that is. My Mom died when I was 24.

To summarize a conversation that lasted over 20 minutes:

Buckeyes Boy: She and I were very close. She was my best friend and my biggest supporter. Things changed a lot after she passed away. [I nod with understanding since my family went through the same thing.] And, I can't imagine that my Mom will never meet my wife…that she'll never know my children.

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and gave him a huge hug.

Me: I feel exactly the same way. If you love someone that much, there's never a day that goes by in which you are okay with it. You just try to deal with it as best as you can.

We later talked about what a huge connection it was to have both lost our moms at the same age and to grieve and remember them in the same way. I was caught off guard by that because I have never met a guy who was so emoting and who could empathize with how I feel about having lost my Mom. Buckeyes Boy got it, though! And, because of that, I felt like he could really get me!

After we finished eating, we moved to the couch, and the subject of my blog came up again.

Me: I do kind of regret giving you my blog card. I feel pretty vulnerable that you have my entire relationship history at your disposal!

Buckeyes Boy: Don't worry too much about that! I want to learn about you from you, not through your posts. That's why I didn't read that much today. The only post I read closely was the one about you.

Me: Really? That makes me feel better. As we spend more time with each other, I'm sure I'll share more with you, but I don't want you to know intimate details about my past relationships anymore than I want to know a lot about your ex-girlfriends.

Buckeyes Boy: I understand. And, if I have anything to say about it, I'm going to be the last guy that you blog about. [I break out into a smile from ear-to-ear!]

We had kissed lightly throughout the evening, but then, Buckeyes Boy really kissed me. His kisses were unlike anything I had ever felt before. They were rougher, firmer, and involved a lot of tongue and biting. Before you think his kisses were sloppy or bad, let me clarify…the roughness was hot, the use of a lot of tongue was precise, and the biting got me wet even though his hands weren't anywhere near my jeans. We stayed on the couch making out for a while.

Me: It's getting late and I don't want you to leave. I was wondering if you'd like to spend the night, as long as it's cool if we stick with stuff above the waistline. I want to keep getting to know you before we go there.

Buckeyes Boy: [Laughs.] That would be great. [He kisses me again.]

We never watched a minute of American Gangster. At around 1am, we moved into the bedroom. We ended up staying up until 3am, talking and making out. He respected my rules and didn't even try to get in my pants. (That won him major points!) I felt safe in his arms and fell sound asleep next to him.

He awoke to a message from his sister, asking if he could join her for brunch. Buckeyes Boy and I kissed some more before we got out of bed. We both regretted that he had to leave so early, but we made plans to grab dinner and drinks later. I walked him to his car and even after he drove off, I couldn't stop smiling.

When I got back upstairs, I grabbed some breakfast and picked up the phone to call my girl, Nicole.

Me: I know this is going to sound crazy, but I think I met The One!

An anal query

One of my favorite bloggers sent me a great question via comment in response to my Anal 3.0 post:

I am a man and have no interest in anal sex. Does this make me a prude? How should I discuss this with a woman who really enjoys it?

His question made me think about the women who read my posts who have absolutely no interest in trying anal. At all. Ever.

Here are my thoughts:

1. I have no interest in anal sex. Does this make me a prude?

Of course not! Your sexual boundaries are for you alone to set. If anyone calls you a prude and you aren't in junior high at the time, then he or she really isn't someone to whom you should be devoting much energy! (Paging Brooklyn Boy. Paging Brooklyn Boy.)

It doesn't make you a prude, shy or unwilling to explore if you don't care to have anal sex. What constitutes sexual exploration is completely subjective so setting boundaries doesn't just apply to anal sex. You should stick with bedroom activities that make you feel comfortable (and hopefully, aroused). I'm not saying that you shouldn't expand your horizons and try something new, but how far you go and what you do is for you to decide. There is no wrong here. Whatever feels right to you is what's right!

2. How should I discuss my disinterest in anal sex with a partner who really enjoys it?

Anal sex isn't something that you tend to have by accident. Given how tight the anus is and the need for ample lubrication, it's doubtful that your cock is going to slip into your partner's ass. If either partner wants to enjoy some back door lovin', then prior communication is key! (It's not for nothing that in every sex advice post, I stress communication with your partner!)

If you aren't interested in anal sex, be honest and tell your partner why. Then, ask your partner what she likes about anal sex. Those answers might give you some clues as to what she finds so appealing and get you both thinking about how you can replicate the sensation by other means.

Are you open to licking her ass (rimming)? Could you pleasure her anally with fingers or a toy? Could you have oral or traditional sex with her while she has a toy in her ass? Does she enjoy the naughty factor of anal since it's not something that everyone does? If so, is there something else (sex in public, bondage, etc.) that you could try to give her that heightened level of satisfaction?

If the man is interested in having anal and the woman isn't, what could provide a similar tight sensation for him? Would he be open to having traditional sex with a cock ring? Playing with a pussy pocket or Tenga while his girl licks his balls or kisses him passionately? Watching a porn of anal sex while having traditional sex in a position that puts his woman's ass in clear view? Is the female amenable to a finger or two in her ass during foreplay or sex and would that provide him with enough excitement? Would more blow jobs satisfy him?

I think it's also important to determine if anal is a deal breaker for either party or could lead to one partner cheating on the other.

I would hope that everyone would be that open with their partner, especially if they are in a monogamous relationship, but unfortunately, that's not always the case. In the end, it's about communicating with your partner, finding sexual activities that respect both of your comfort zones, and enjoying your sex life!

Anal 3.0: The Back Story

After writing my previous posts about anal sex, I've received several questions about the topic. Here are some of my thoughts to those questions, as we delve into the back story about anal:*

1. Will it hurt?

Yes, of course. It's not exactly like putting a square peg in a round hole, but there's a reason why some girls comment that their asses are Exit Only. The amount of pain varies, though, depending on how large the relevant body parts are, and your pain threshold.

It will help immensely if you prepare beforehand and have patience during. Try a small toy or finger first. Purchase a high-quality lubricant (Swiss Navy or ForPlay). Take your time and take breaks. Communicate with your partner and make sure he knows that you control the pace and intensity at first. Read some of my other tips about positions that are more friendly for first-timers or those who are experiencing some pain from anal sex.

Rest assured that it does get easier with time and practice. If back door loving is a somewhat regular part of your routine, then eventually, it should only hurt during the first thrust or two, if at all.

2. I'm a straight guy. Isn't anal sex just for gay guys?

No!!! The anus is an erogenous zone, irrespective of your sexual orientation. Yes, homosexual males may engage in anal sex more than the average straight couple. But, why should that concern you any? Your sex life is just that…yours! You should determine what works for you.

Since the ass is naturally tighter than the pussy, anal sex feels different…more intense…and possibly, more pleasurable. An intimate act with your girlfriend or wife doesn't need to be a lifestyle choice or a step on the path toward homosexuality. Think out of the box (pun intended), and with all due respect, check yourself for some homophobia.

If you are comfortable with your sexuality, and you and your woman want to try something new, then why not give it a go? Keep in mind that you can also lay down some ground rules. You may find that you enjoy pleasing your girl anally with a finger, toy, tongue or your cock, but have absolutely no desire for her to touch or lick you in that area. Talk about these things beforehand to figure out both of your comfort levels.

3. I'm worried about…umm…the smell…or anything else coming from back there.

Good question! I think of the book, "The Gas We Pass" and the fact that occasional, minor activity is an occupational hazard with anal sex. Barring a parasite, food poisoning or severe IBS, you should NOT have the same reaction that Tucker Max's girl did during their first foray into anal.

Take your time in the days prior and the minutes before full penetration to acclimate yourself and your ass to the sensation of back door fun. Communicate with your partner (that's a recurring theme if you haven't noticed).

Don't eat a lot of food prior to having anal sex. If you do, some positions might make you feel like you are going to throw up, or toward the end of intercourse, there might be a slight odor in the room. Will it be atrocious? No. But, it will smell like gas or worse (crap).

If that happens, wait until your man cums, laugh about it ("you tapped that ass, baby!"), excuse yourself and come back with a match or candle. It doesn't need to be a big deal if you don't make it one. Likewise, if you feel comfortable enough having anal sex with your man and vice-versa, then you don't need to ignore the obvious.

Try to eat foods that are healthy (low in fat and salt) and more on the bland side to ensure that these things don't arise. If you are on a date with your man beforehand that includes dinner at a fancy restaurant with rich foods, don't deprive yourself, but don't overeat either. (Don't feel bad about any of this either. If you've read my blow jobs posts, I also mention that high salt in a man's diet affects how his cum tastes. Our bodies are wondrous things, but they don't always cooperate as we would like.)

If you have a sensitive stomach normally, be cautious. If you go more than the average person, then don't have anal first thing in the morning. Translation: make sure that you have gone to bathroom and eliminated as much as you possibly can before you have anal sex. That will help make the experience more pleasurable for you both.

There might be a small bit of residue when your man pulls out. If he used a condom, then clean up should be easy. If not, you might want to have a washcloth handy or offer to go get one.

Afterward, you may notice that you are more gassy than normal. (Again, I'm talking about a normal bodily function so don't view this as a big deal.) Logic dictates that the lube and cum that go in have to come out. It won't be anything that your man or anyone else will probably notice, but it's better to know the lay of the land in advance, right?

Happy to answer any more of your questions regarding this or anything else. I wouldn't view any of the above information as a deterrent from anal sex, but rather, that being more informed now may prove useful later.

(Not that) Happy Birthday to me!

March-April 2006

Philly Matt was heading to Qatar with the Air Force Reserves in five weeks so I tried to focus on the positive. He was a great guy, and I wanted to make our relationship work. But, when we saw each other in early March, our problems resurfaced yet again.

I was looking for assurances that Matt and I wouldn't have to stay in the long-distance mode upon his return from the Gulf, but he didn't feel comfortable committing to that. He also was frustrated with his dwindling hours of work on the base, and that understandably affected his mood and his income.

I didn't know what would happen once he left for Qatar, but I decided to ride things out. I knew how I felt about him and how he made me feel when things were good. Wasn't that enough for now?

I tried to be as supportive as I could be in the present and also began thinking of ways to make his deployment easier. I downloaded Skype on my computer, and bought cards to send him after he went overseas. (My favorite card said, "The love I feel for you is in my heart. The distance between us is just geography." I thought that summed it up perfectly!) I imagined us on Skype and AIM for hours and started to view his departure as a way for him to feel better about himself professionally and for us to reconnect emotionally.

And then…things went from so-so to worse. Three weeks before he was scheduled to leave for Qatar, he got a call from the base commander and learned that Reservists from Pennsylvania were not being deployed…at all!

Philly Matt didn't know what he was going to do professionally. The base at which he worked was closing. He wasn't heading to Qatar. And, the big pay-out that the Air Force told him was coming from his deployment wasn't! That's not a fun position for anyone to be in!

My glass is always half-full so I talked about the benefits of him staying in the States. (He could be closer to his kids and to me, he could now look for a full-time job, and he didn't have to deal with being in the desert for 3-12 months.) Sometimes, Philly Matt would play along with that, but other times, he wouldn't. I tried to get him excited about the fact that now we could spend our birthdays together. (We were born three days apart in early April.) I wouldn't say he was necessarily thrilled about it, but he did come down to DC so we could celebrate together.

Matt got into town on the evening of his birthday. I greeted him at Union Station with a balloon, and ushered him off to Filomena for dinner. I was friends with the chef, and he took great care of us.

When we got back to my place, I gave Philly Matt his present: the first season of Lost on DVD; a t-shirt from French Connection; and a mushy card. I didn't want to do too much and make him feel uncomfortable, but I also wanted to do enough to make him feel special. Mission accomplished!

On the day before my birthday, Philly Matt joined my friends and me for lunch and games at Dave and Buster's (one of my guilty pleasures). The next day was my actual birthday. When Matt and I woke up, we had sex. Being in bed with him was always good, but when we were done, I felt a bit confused. I kept waiting for some acknowledgment of my birthday. A card. Singing me "Happy Birthday!" A little gift. Breakfast in bed. Flowers. Something!

But, something never came. When we arrived at Union Station, we waited in line for his train to board. As we kissed goodbye, he said,

"Happy Birthday!"

I guess that was something?!? But, that couldn't be it, could it? As I drove home from the train station, I got it in my head that he had left me a card or present at the house as a surprise. When I arrived at my condo, though, it didn't take me long to realize that there wasn't any surprise.

Philly Matt had come down to DC so that we could spend our birthdays together, which was what I had wanted. Well, partly. I had also hoped that he would make some effort to show me that he cared.

I spent my birthday afternoon, bonding with a box of Kleenex and wondering if I needed more than this. Was this relationship worth fighting for?

And another door opens – Part II

I walked around Midtown Loft during the DC Twestival, mixing and mingling as City Girl, Relationship and Sex Blogger. I met a few more people, but wanted to get back to my conversation with Buckeyes Boy.

I returned to his table and took a seat on the bar stool across from him. Normally, at an event like this, you give people some space as you're talking to them. My interaction with Buckeyes Boy was different, though. Our feet rested on each other's bar stools…I leaned my body in toward him…his hand brushed against my leg a few times. Being so close to him just felt natural, even though we had only met an hour ago.

We discussed all the topics that you usually would bring up with someone you just met:

Where are you from?
What do you do?
Where do you live in town?

I couldn't stop smiling the entire time that I was next to him. I'm not referring to a relaxed or coy smile here. I'm talking a smile so big that you would think I was competing in a pageant!

Since the Steelers-Titans game was playing on the TV in front of us, our heads turned from time-to-time to catch the game. But, for two football fans, we concentrated much more on each other than the game. And, it was a good game!

The table got pretty crowded as the Twestival organizers finally sat down to enjoy a drink after all of their hard work. One girl accidentally bumped into me, and without hesitating, Buckeyes Boy put his arm around my back to protect me. It was a gesture so simple, yet it made me feel safe.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I was pretty disoriented, and knew that he could tell that from my expression. Rather than giving him one of my pat responses, I said,

"You like football so I'm sure you've heard of Post-Concussion Syndrome. I have it, and crowds and noise make me really dizzy. But, it'll calm down in a minute or two. Thanks!"

(For those of you who don't know me, I don't normally share this much with someone I just met. But, I didn't feel like it was a big deal.)

"You sure you're okay? Do you need anything?" Buckeyes Boy inquired.

"I'm okay. Thanks. I'll just probably head out soon so I can get away from the noise."

Other people walked up toward us, and he put his arm around me again. When he touched me, I felt that spark that you get when you have an attraction to someone. I hadn't felt that in a very long time. And, I couldn't resist doing something that I had wanted to do the whole evening: I put my arm around his perfect, huge biceps and squeezed. He didn't see that coming, but he took it in stride. We both laughed, as I complimented his guns.

Buckeyes Boy asked for my contact info (of course I gave it to him), and we continued talking some more. When halftime came, I told him,

"I should go now, but I've really enjoyed talking to you. I hope that you'll give me a call!"

He offered to walk me out, and we ended up standing outside Midtown Loft for another 30 minutes. There were a lot of people of the street, but with the exception of the odd man carrying nun chucks into Julia's Empanadas, I didn't register what anyone was doing. All of my attention was focused on Buckeyes Boy.

We talked about his experiences playing football in college and what his plans were now that the Twestival was over. He asked if I was taking a taxi, and I said,

"No, I'll walk back to Foggy Bottom."

"Really?" he inquired with concern. "Are you sure it's safe?"

I liked how protective he was of me, even though we didn't know each other well. It also crossed my mind that the third quarter of the game was almost over by this point. Buckeyes Boy was a Steelers fan, and yet, he was missing the game to talk to me. Huh. *smile*

While we were outside, his friend, Paul, came up to him and asked if he was leaving. Buckeyes Boy replied that he would be going back up to the lounge. Shortly after I left, Paul asked Buckeyes Boy about me and learned that we had met at the event.

Paul to Buckeyes Boy: Really? I wanted to approach you, but it looked like you were in a very intense conversation. You guys were standing like an inch away from each other! You really didn't just meet her tonight? [Buckeyes Boy nodded.] Seriously?

Buckeyes Boy had asked me to text him to let him know that I got home safely, which I did. The last five minutes of the game were quite eventful so as he was stuck on the Metro to Maryland, I started texting him with updates from the game.

When he got home, he called me to say thanks and we talked for another hour. I knew that I had met a guy who was fine, nice and cool. I knew that I wanted to see him again soon. But, I didn't imagine two months ago that attending a Twitter charity event would lead to something so wonderful.

(And, yes, I have tears in my eyes as I'm writing. Really. Happy. Tears.)

And another door opens

September 2009

I woke up on the morning of the 10th with a heavy heart and a few tears in my eyes. On this day last year, my girlfriend, Kiki, lost her courageous battle with leukemia. I took some time before getting out of bed to look at a photo of us, reread the last card that she had written me, and say a prayer for her and her family. I also reflected on how much I had learned about unconditional love from watching Kiki's husband sit by her bedside for 13 long and painful months.

The NFL season opener was taking place that night between the Steelers and the Titans. My friends and I didn't want Kiki's husband, a Titans fan, to be alone on the anniversary of her passing so we asked if he wanted to join us for the game. He had already made plans with his in-laws so I ended up buying a ticket to the DC Twestival.

(If you aren't familiar with Twestivals, they serve as a way to connect members of the Twitter community offline for a social event and fundraiser. All proceeds from DC's Twestival went to Miriam's Kitchen, a wonderful organization that also happens to be the first place I volunteered at when I moved to DC.)

I decided that I would go to the Twestival as City Girl, thereby choosing to out myself to people as a relationship and sex blogger for the first time. I thought I would build a little blog buzz, contribute money to a great cause, and make it home by the second half of the game. Little did I know as I showed up at Midtown Loft for the event that a date that brought me so much sorrow last year would bring me so much happiness this year!

When I arrived at the Twestival, I scanned the crowd in search of familiar faces. I saw a friend from law school and his girlfriend in one corner of the room. I saw a reporter I had befriended online near the DJ booth. And, then I saw him…Buckeyes Boy.

He was one of the Twestival organizers, and I had been following him on Twitter for the past couple of weeks. His online picture caught my eye because his smile could light up a room, but his headshot didn't do him justice!

Imagine 6'3", 245, with skin like café au lait and arms so big that I could only hope to get tickets to the gun show. (It was like I went into a lab and created the perfect guy for me, and *poof* there he was!) His pale pink shirt exuded confidence, but his smile and laugh revealed a friendly and genuine side.

Before I could head over and say hello to Buckeyes Boy, my friend from law school approached me. I caught up with him for a while and then met several new people. After about an hour on the one side of the lounge, I finally walked toward Buckeyes Boy.

"Hi," I said as I extended my hand to him, "I'm City Girl."

"Hi," he replied, "I'm Buckeyes Boy."

"I just wanted to congratulate you and the other organizers. It's great that this night is such a success and raised so much money for Miriam's Kitchen."

"Thanks," he responded. He smiled at me warmly, but I could tell from his expression that he was trying to place me.

"I have a blog, and we're Twitter friends, but I only have a picture of the back of my head on the site. I figured I would introduce you to the front of my head," I told him with a laugh.

His smile widened, as he registered who I was.

"I write about relationships and sex, but I'm also an attorney so I have to blog anonymously. Don't want to jeopardize my career," I explained, as I handed him a business card with my blog information on it.

We talked for a while about my blog, the Twestival and the football game (he's a Steelers fan) before he looked up and said,

"Your hair is beautiful! The way the light is shining on it…there's this glow around you. Did you just get it done?"

"Yeah, I did. Thanks," I replied, blushing.

I felt like I could spend the entire evening just talking to him, but a part of me thought that I should mingle a bit.

"Would you like to sit down?" Buckeyes Boy asked.

"I should probably go network a little more, but I'll be back," I informed him.

"I hope so."

I had started to walk away, but turned back to smile at him and say, "Oh, I'll be back. Definitely."

When sex hurts

Two friends recently approached me with almost identical questions about what to do when sex is painful:

I have endometriosis and having sex hurts. I don't even really like having sex because it's so painful, but I try to do so every now and then. If I don't keep my husband happy, I worry that he'll go out and cheat on me. Do you have any suggestions for me, City Girl?

First of all, know that you are not alone! A study by Brigham and Women's Hospital reveals that 16% of women experience chronic pain from intercourse. 16%! The causes might vary, but if you have severe pelvic pain, then even the thought of sex might make you cringe with discomfort.

Now, as you probably know already, I'm not a health care professional or certified sex educator. (I'm a lawyer, which might explain why I love disclaimers.) Painful sex is a medical problem so I strongly suggest that you talk about this with your doctor! You can broach this question to your gynecologist, primary care physician or endocrinologist. You don't have to get into a lot of detail about your situation — just enough to get the point across. Simply explain to your doctor that you experience pain during intercourse because of whatever reason (if you know what that reason is) and wondered what he or she recommended.

No matter your religion, culture or upbringing, remind yourself that sex is not a dirty word. Also remember that you are not asking your doctor anything that he or she hasn't been asked before. And, finally, if your doctor is not someone with whom you feel comfortable talking about your body, then get another doctor! Every patient needs to be his or her own advocate, and finding a health care provider who is approachable and has a good bedside manner is your right!

If you are experiencing endometriosis or a condition that causes pelvic pain, also check with your doctor to see if you are medically-cleared to have sex. And, be specific. My doctor still laughs about the fact that when I was told I couldn't have sex for four weeks after surgery, I asked the following,

"Vaginal? Oral? Anal? What about fingers? Can I orgasm clitorally? Play with toys?"

As memorable as that interrogation was, my doctor answered every single question. I waited the time I needed to heal and was given the clearance to do everything I wanted in four weeks. If getting that specific with your doctor is too embarrassing for you, then it's okay to write your questions down and present your doctor with the list.

It's also important to speak up with your partner. No one who cares about you would want you to be in pain. Period. (If you question that for a minute, try reversing the situation to assuage your fears.) It's okay to say, "Ouch!" or "Oww!" or "Can we switch positions?" You can even bring up the topic when you aren't having sex to let your significant other know that you find certain things uncomfortable or what he can do to make the experience less painful for you.

Other ideas to make sex more pleasurable for both of you:

1. Take a pain reliever an hour before you will be having sex. If you aren't on a prescription pain medicine, then two Advil or Motrin should work. Try to stop the pain before it reaches its peak;

2. Have your man get you off once before he enters you. Make sure that your muscles are as relaxed as possible;

3. Figure out which positions and what pace are most comfortable for you. And speak up when it hurts and especially when it feels good;

4. Try some mind over matter/biofeedback techniques. If you tell yourself, "this is going to hurt, but I have to do it or my husband will have an affair," then that doesn't put you in the best mindset to have sex. What if you try to be more self-affirming? Remind yourself that you are excited to be making love with your husband. Try to retrain your thoughts to focus on the pleasure, rather than the pain;

5. Think out of the box. Literally! If vaginal sex is that painful, then mix it up. Perfect your skills at giving a blow job or a hand job. Give anal sex a try. Talk with your man as to what he enjoys or wants to explore. Find other ways to increase intimacy (notice I didn't write orgasms);

6. Plan on taking a bath after you have sex. If there's discomfort or any bleeding, you might find a bath to be soothing;

7. If you aren't going to a doctor about any of this, start! Depending on your level of pain, there might be medical or surgical options to make your situation better. If you are open to alternative or Eastern medicine, you might search for a good, licensed acupuncturist, Reiki master, or herbalist. If there are psychological issues coming into play that affect your views on or discomfort from sex, please talk to a therapist or social worker to help you process your feelings; and

8. For the guys, let your women know that you love them, want them to feel better, and aren't going to cheat on them when the sex isn't as great or as frequent as it once was. And then…stick to that!