sex

Your questions answered

I’ve received a lot of questions about “Buckeyes” Boy over the past month. I thought I could tie up a few loose ends by answering them.

1. Have I seen “Buckeyes” Boy since December 1st?

Yes, actually. I saw him at a tech event last month. I RSVP-ed at the last possible moment so I don’t know if he knew that I would be there, but I knew that he would.

I wasn’t sure if seeing him would trigger anything. But, my heart didn’t beat fast, I didn’t cry, and I didn’t have the desire to jump on the bar, point at him and sing the Eastern Motors jingle. (For you out-of-towners, click on this to see the worst commercial in history. For you locals, I’m sorry if I got the jingle in your head, but my friends and I all sing this when “Buckeyes” Boy’s name comes up in conversation. Yes, my girls and I are wrong.)

Seeing “Buckeyes” Boy reminded me of what a fine man he is. But, unlike many of my past ex-boyfriends, I have absolutely no desire to hook up with him again…ever. I’ve seen what’s on the inside, and that’s far from fine.

That night, I had decided that I would exchange pleasantries with “Buckeyes” Boy, if he approached me. But, he avoided me like the plague. When he walked past me at the end of the night like there was a fire, I laughed out loud.

2. How was I emotionally able to write about this the past couple of month?

Good question. It wasn’t easy, but it was cathartic. I think my writing style is a benefit and a detriment when it comes to posts about conflict or break ups. I’ve been blessed with a great memory, and when I write, I take myself back to that time. I try to remember every detail and my emotions so I can write about the experience accurately.

With that said, if I wrote about a time when “Buckeyes” Boy’s actions or inactions made me cry in the past, I was at my laptop crying in the present. It was tough to relive that, especially given how blunt the comments to those posts were. But, I also realized how strong I am.

3. Am I really okay?

Yes! I’m far happier now than I was during the last half of my relationship with “Buckeyes” Boy. All these great things started happening to me right after he handed me back the keys to my place (personally, professionally and educationally). A weight was lifted off of my shoulders, and I felt like all the blessings that I was receiving were affirming signs from above that I shouldn’t be with him.

4. Is “Buckeyes” Boy, [his real name]?

I’m NOT posting his real name or Twitter handle on my blog or Twitter feed. Period. In my mind, that wouldn’t be fair since I don’t post my real info on here.

If you are able to put two and two together, I’m happy to tell you discreetly under the condition that information from this blog will NOT appear on his Twitter feed, or be broached with him at an event or at his workplace.

Yes, he played me. Yes, I blogged about it. But, I trust that karma and “Buckeyes” Boy’s lies will take care of the rest.

In the past week, several people have contacted me, realizing that “Buckeyes” Boy had lied to them, too (in personal and professional settings). DC is a small city, and the DC Twitter community is even smaller. For instance, it might not be the best thing to tell the woman who is handling my PR and a recruiter that you’re Canadian…when you’re not.

5. Do I think “Buckeyes” Boy cheated on me?

I don’t honestly know. And, I doubt I’ll ever know, unless someone else contacts me after this post. I knew that I needed to get STD testing done in mid-November after he revealed how he will go out to bars to look for one-night stands instead of masturbating, and I did just that. (Thankfully, all is well on that front.)

Plus, the boy lied to me and manipulated me for months. If he put his cock inside some other girl, would it hurt me? Sure. I’m human. But, does it really change anything? No.

6. What would I say if I knew “Buckeyes” Boy was reading this?

When we were together, we talked on quite a few occasions about how we hoped our mothers were looking down on us from heaven. We hoped that they had met and that they could see how happy we were together. I know that my Mom is looking down on me now and is proud of how I handled myself during our relationship. Can your Mom look down on you and say the same?

Oh, I found your Match profile. (He reinstated an old profile the first week in December. I had a vibe and used an old password to check.) Here are my friendly recommendations:

a. Change your profile picture to what you use on Foursquare or crop the photo of you and Paul from your friend’s birthday. The current picture makes you look like you have a gut, which you don’t. Your best features are your smile and arms. Pick a photo that shows them off;

b. There’s no need to lie about places you’ve traveled to or college athletics. Those lines aren’t necessary at your age; and

c. Be straight about what you are looking for. You are not looking “to connect with someone mind, body and soul.” DC is a city with many career-oriented women. Just say something like, “I have a demanding job that I love and little time for a relationship. If you’re in a similar place and looking for companionship, please send me an e-mail.”

I’m happy to answer other questions about this or anything else, but I hope to leave Buckeyes Boy behind this week and moving on to sex questions and The Baron! xoxo

Wheel of emotions

I awoke on the morning of December 3, 2009, with mixed emotions regarding Buckeyes Boy. Imagine a wheel like the one on Wheel of Fortune or The Price Is Right, but in lieu of the numbers on the wheel, there are emotions. Since Buckeyes Boy never came back to our place after Thanksgiving and blocked me from Twitter, I never knew when the wheel would spin, and what emotion I would feel when it stopped spinning.

Most of the times I was fine, feeling comforted that I knew Buckeyes Boy’s true colors. But then, the wheel would spin again, and I would start to cry when I smelled his cologne in the room where he would get ready. Or, the wheel would spin to “Anger,” as I looked at my budget and saw on paper how much he had taken advantage of me financially. Or, the wheel would spin to “Melancholy,” when something funny happened and I wished I could tell Buckeyes Boy.

It didn’t help that I decided to get back to writing about our relationship on my blog that week. On December 1, 2009, I ended up writing the post about my amazing first date with Buckeyes Boy back in September. That day was also the day when I went to pick up my keys from Buckeyes Boy at the Bardeo Twixer.

The following day, DC Blogs featured my Great First Date post on its homepage with this write-up by the eloquent Restaurant Refugee:

City Girl, who is a self-described “relationship and sex blogger,” writes about the first date with the gentleman who “If [he has] anything to say about it, will be the last guy she blogs about,” and what it felt like for her to agree.

I was thrilled to be highlighted on the site and have so many readers comment on that post. But, my heart was heavy. I felt like the wheel wouldn’t stop spinning. Buckeyes Boy was supposed to be The One! We planned our future together (something that I had never done with any guy before). And, now, I was trying to get him to find an hour or two in his schedule to unblock me from Twitter and sit down to actually break up with me in person like an adult. What the fuck had happened to the fairy tale?

On December 3rd, I wrote about our wonderful second date. Reminiscing about the past started to cloud my views of the present a bit since I was focusing on all that was great and blissful about the beginning of our relationship.

“Why was that?” you might be wondering.

Well, when I write my posts, I take myself back to that time in my life. I try to remember every detail: what I wore; what I said; my emotions; the weather; the food; how it felt to be touched; and anything else that comes to mind. If I recall that I cried tears of joy or tears of sadness at the time, I inevitably get tears in my eyes at my laptop as I’m writing about it. Reliving every little detail has proven to be cathartic or shown me that I was truly over [fill in the blank guy]. But with respect to Buckeyes Boy, writing about wonderful times from our past at the same time as we were breaking up made it tough to stay frustrated at him. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.

That night, I went with my girlfriends to mock service at Ris. If my friend, Ann, hadn’t included me in the invite to that delicious restaurant, I would have been at Tech Cocktail DC with some of my Twitter friends (who also happened to be friends with Buckeyes Boy). When I got home from Ris, I logged onto Twitter and saw pictures of the event…and Buckeyes Boy.

I went to bed, thinking to myself:

I’m the only one who can stop the wheel of emotions, and I need to do that for my own well-being. I need to let this — us — go. I was the bigger person during our relationship and I could be the bigger person during our break-up.

I woke up the following morning, and I was no longer sad, angry or confused. I sent Buckeyes Boy the following e-mail:

I’m not sure if you know that I wrote a post on Tuesday about our first date. It got featured on DC Blog’s homepage, and 1,200(!) hits in 48 hours later, it’s the most popular outgoing link on the site.

In my opinion, life is way too short and this town is way too small to carry any resentments toward each other. I’d like to think that we can get past this current mode and find a way to be friends on some level. I hope that you’ll make some time in your schedule over the next few days for us to talk.

***

The wheel spun ever so slightly until it landed on “Calm.”

But…would it stay there?

Mounds of frustration

I left Buckeyes Boy on December 1, 2009, with his set of keys to our my place in my hands. I waited for tears to form in my eyes, but they didn’t. I drove off to Muleh on 14th Street to meet Misty at the fashion show after party.

While I was there talking to Misty, a woman approached us and said:

Tall redhead. I could use you.

I didn’t know to what she was referring so I introduced myself. Misty recognized my confused expression and commented:

That’s my agent.

The woman then told me that she owns a very successful modeling agency in DC. I was giddy that she thought I could do runway shows for several reasons (I’m 36, curvy and the girl who got made fun of growing up for being so unattractive).

At the end of the night, Misty and I headed back to my place.

Me: Do you really think she [the agent] wants to talk to me about modeling? [Misty nods.] You know who I really want to share the news with? [Pause.] Buckeyes Boy. I wonder if it’s possible to be friends on some level. And, I wonder if he would stay over tomorrow night. We don’t want the same things relationship-wise, but can’t we at least get some great break-up sex out of it? [For all that was wrong with our relationship, the sex was always very right.]

Misty and I discussed a few ideas as to what I could say to him and I decided to send him this e-mail:

Hope you enjoyed the rest of your night and that your cold is long gone by the time you wake up!

Good call to talk after work tomorrow night. Regardless of what we discuss, you’re welcome to spend the night if you want.

Hit me up tomorrow.

***

I didn’t hear from him during the day, but I used that time to work on thesis. I also spoke with three girlfriends and made a “Cheat Sheet” of topics to bring up during my conversation with Buckeyes Boy. I didn’t mind sleeping with him (in fact, I really wanted him in my ass), but I knew that he could be very manipulative. I didn’t want to fall prey to that yet again. What did I want out of our conversation?

1. To get the money for the parking tickets;

2. To have him un-block me from Twitter. If it was really a glitch, then that shouldn’t be a problem;

3. To figure out whether or not that 867 number was his cell phone;

4. To have him send me the many naked photos he had taken of me and us (I didn’t mind that he had the pictures since my face wasn’t in any of them, but I didn’t like the idea that he had them and I didn’t. Hey, we all have our things); and

5. To let him know how disrespected I felt. It seemed clear that he used me when it was convenient for him and then kicked me to the curb once he was more settled in DC. For someone who stressed communication, he should have looked me in the face and just ended it before he headed to Georgia. Instead, he pretended that he was coming back, which added insult to injury.

I didn’t know if he would ever grasp how poorly he treated me when we dated, but I thought it was possible that I could convey to him how poorly he handled the past week. I had asked him on several occasions if his feelings had changed and if I was a relationship of convenience like his old girlfriend from Charlotte. He should have just said yes and saved us both the time and energy.

At almost 8pm on the 2nd, I finally heard from Buckeyes Boy:

Sorry I didn’t catch up with you until now. I have no idea where the day went. Thank you for the kind gesture of staying there tonight. I actually have to grab my sister tonight after she finishes work. I was hoping you could meet me closer my way in an hour if that’s possible? Let me know your thoughts.

Me

***

For the next 30 minutes, we exchanged several e-mails about exactly where we should meet at 9pm. I suggested Brasserie Beck since it was a close walk from the Convention Center, I could easily find parking, and we both could hear ourselves talk there. I was sitting on my couch waiting for him to confirm that the plan worked for him, when this message appeared in my in box at 8:45pm:

My eyes are closing as we speak. I’m really sorry. I’m just really out of it. I wanted to talk to you tonight instead of yesterday for obvious reasons. I just don’t want to be rude and not be attentive. I hate to say another night….

***

I screamed at my laptop, “You are fucking kidding me?!?”

I sent him the following e-mails within two minutes:

Please don’t do this to me again via e-mail. I have my coat on and am ready to go.

Sorry — sent too soon. I appreciate that work is crazy and you are fighting a cold, but please show me some respect here and at least call.

***

I was livid! He was doing this to me – again! Who treats someone this way? I felt like he stomped on my heart, spit in my face, and now was kicking me in the gut. I texted several friends, and the gist of their responses was that Buckeyes Boy was a loser/fucker/pussy/chump. No one seemed surprised that he didn’t follow through with our plans.

I picked up the phone to call Julie to vent:

I just want this over with! Dragging this out is just making it worse!

She reminded me that I couldn’t force him to meet and that it might be a more productive conversation if we met another time. While we were on the phone, I received another e-mail from Buckeyes Boy:

You know what… I’m not even at my desk and while I had a moment running around getting wi-fi, I was trying to make plans. Respect the fact that I’m at work and I’m even trying…

I also thought you were still at home replying to emails, trying to make plans. Not standing there ready to go.

***

Seriously?!? Yet again, it was always all about him! And, I was supposed to respect that he was trying to make plans while at work? Ooh – what’s next? Giving him points for his creative crayon drawing! He was almost 32-years-old and managed hundreds of people at the Convention Center; he should be able to multi-task! I still did want to give him a piece of my mind and get my money, though. I responded:

Get that you are at work and that it’s tough to e-mail/call. But, please also try to see this from perspective. You had said 9pm and I didn’t want to hold either of us up so at 8:40, I made sure I was ready to go so I could jump in the car when you said where.

If you aren’t up for talking tonight, I’m obviously not going to force you to do so. But, I would have made other plans if we weren’t going out. (I’ve really tried not to stay home alone this week since it’s been tough for me.)

***

Buckeyes Boy wrote back a few minutes later:

I mean, I understand it’s not easy and this is not what I hoped to do tonight. However, I’d hate for you to make your way out and me fade in and out in front of you. I apologize for disrupting any other plans you might have made.

***

I sent him an e-mail with a few suggestions as to other times for us to meet later in the week. To say I was frustrated with him and the situation would be an understatement.

Yesterday, I had wanted to sleep with him one last time. Now, I just wanted to take my money and run.

***

So…I have a lot of juicy stuff to write about before my blog party at Black Finn DC this Tuesday, March 9th. If you are in DC, please come. I’m also using the evening to raise money for Global Giving’s Save the Children’s project in Haiti so please donate if you can.

I’m trying to decide if I should do small posts throughout the day tomorrow or just one really long jammed-packed post. What would you prefer? Comment, text or Tweet. xoxo

My BF blocked me on Twitter. Now what?

I felt like I was in the middle of the ultimate Twitter relationship story. I had met Buckeyes Boy at the Twestival in September 2009, and for all intents and purposes, we moved in together after our first date. And, now, he had gone from telling me that he missed me on Thanksgiving to breaking up with me by blocking me on Twitter. Talk about full circle!

I called my friend, Julie, when I noticed that the number of my followers on Twitter had dropped by one.

Me: I know that we’ve had our problems, but come on!

Julie: This doesn’t make sense.

Me: Well, Z brought up the possibility last night that something happened with Buckeyes Boy or his family. I feel like he’s okay, though, since he and his Dad went to the Steelers-Ravens game last night. (He had posted pictures on Twitter.) What should I do?

Julie: Does he still have stuff at your place?

Me: Not really. He took almost everything to get organized, do laundry and pack before the holiday. I even jokingly asked him if he was coming back and he said of course. Why didn’t he just tell me?

Julie: Maybe he was doing the guy thing and just didn’t want to deal with it. He still has your keys and owes you for the parking tickets?

Me: Yes.

We decided that I should send him a passive-aggressive e-mail, playing dumb about the whole Twitter blocking incident. He and I clearly needed to talk so I figured that I would get more with sugar than with salt. I wrote:

Buckeyes Boy,

Since I haven’t heard from you, I hope that you are okay. I am little confused since when you left for Georgia, things seemed good with us. I’m not really sure what happened. Would it be possible to grab coffee or a drink tonight or tomorrow to talk?

xoxo, City Girl

The rest of the afternoon, I alternated between shock, relief and sadness. One friend asked what Buckeyes Boy said in 140 characters or less.

Me [laughing out loud]: He didn’t! He just blocked me!

The line, “Buckeyes Boy broke up with my on Twitter,” became my own version of “Berger broke up with me on a post-it note” from Sex and the City.

I had texted that line with a “WTF?!?” at the end to several friends, including Carly. When her plane landed at Reagan National, she called me from the shuttle.

Carly: Are you okay?

Me: Eeh. I just came from acupuncture so I’m kind of nauseous and loopy anyway. I just can’t believe that he would do this!

Carly: I’m coming over.

Me: You just got back to town. I’m sure you want to go home.

Carly: I’ll be there in 30.

I have tears in my eyes as I remember how Carly took care of me that night. (She is a wonderful friend!) I didn’t want to eat. I cried about 10 minutes of every hour. I tried to watch TV and then would just make a comment about how disrespectful Buckeyes Boy was.

Me: For all the problems that we had, I never imagined that he would do this. He was the one who kept saying that he wanted to be in this relationship and stressing the importance of good communication. His towel is still on the bathroom door. [Carly gets up, finds the towel and throws it in the hamper.] The second bedroom [where he got dressed] still smells like his cologne. [She closes the door to the second bedroom.] We had sex right before he left. And, he still has my keys. Seriously, who does this?!?

I went to bed early since Carly was there to walk Nutter before bed. When I got up at 4:00am, a thought crossed my mind:

Anyone who would do this to me isn’t The One! Period. I had wanted to know if Buckeyes Boy would step it up before New Year’s, and I had my answer!

I went back to bed and fell sound asleep. When Carly and I woke up at 8am, something occurred to me:

Me: So…remember when you were texting Buckeyes Boy at the Convention Center? [She nods.] Do you still have his number in your phone?

Carly: I should. [She grabs her phone and starts scrolling.]

Me: Mind telling me what it is? [Buckeyes Boy had a phone number with a (301) area code when we met. His phone broke about halfway through our relationship, but he claimed that he was still waiting for Apple to send him a part. For over a month, we’d be restricted to e-mailing each other, instead of the usual calls and texts.]

Carly: 202-867-5309.*

Me: That fucker!!!

Carly: That’s not the number you had?

Me: Nope. He gave me some bullshit about how he was able to text you because he borrowed some friend’s sim card and how that only worked for a few days. Seriously, what the fuck?

Carly: That’s shady. [I pick up my phone to call him, using *67 to make my number private.] Is he going to be up at this hour?

Me: He’s probably getting ready for work, but I just want to make sure it’s his voice mail.

Sure enough, it was. I was livid! As Carly was in the shower, I thought about my options and decided to send Buckeyes Boy the following text:

Carly came over last night since I was sad and shocked that after opening up my heart and my home to you, you broke up with me by blocking me on Twitter. Imagine my surprise when I found out that you had a new number that you never gave me! I’ll be at Bardeo tonight. Bring my keys and the money for the tickets.

When Carly came out of the bathroom, I showed her the text.

Carly: What’s at Bardeo?

Me: A Twixer [Twitter mixer]. I’ve never gone to one of these things before because the people there are his friends, but fuck that!

Carly: Are you okay to go?

Me: Oh yeah. I’ve been way too nice to him for way too long. [I smile a mischievous smirk.]

Did I hear from Buckeyes Boy? Did I go to Bardeo? That, my friends, is for the next post. xoxo

* Bonus if you recognize the number with my apologies if you have the song stuck in your head, too!

Just Call Me Carrie

I woke up on November 30, 2009, feeling confused and unappreciated. Buckeyes Boy hadn’t come through yet again last night. I wanted to e-mail him, but sensed that he needed some space. He was in Maryland, having brunch with his Dad and his Dad’s wife and then they were off to the Steelers-Ravens game that evening. There was a lot for us to talk about with respect to the future of our relationship, but I knew that face-to-face would be best.

I decided that if I hadn’t heard from Buckeyes Boy by Monday night, I would send him an e-mail. I’m cutting and pasting what I had in my computer from that day, although this was not a letter that I ever sent:

***
Dear Buckeyes Boy,

I think back to the first month when we were together. The amount of time that we were able to spend together that month was surreal, but I don’t think that the feelings that we shared were. I’ve realized that what I miss the most about that time wasn’t the fact that we were always together (although that was really nice), but that you were so kind and loving. I never questioned how you felt about me because you always told me and showed me. I didn’t hesitate to open up my heart and my home to you because I looked in your eyes and saw my future.

When you got your job, I was so excited for you. And, since then, the girlfriend in me has tried to make your life easier. To respect that you don’t have a lot of free time. To respect that you also need time with your family and friends. To be there for you and take care of you as much as I can.

You told me a few weeks ago that I’m the type of person who doesn’t just say how I feel, but I go above and beyond to show you how I feel. I think I’ve done that where you are concerned.

I guess I’m not sure what changed from your perspective. I could speculate as to what you are feeling or where you are coming from, but I can only judge you by your actions. Spending time with me and including me in on the other areas of your life clearly haven’t been your priorities. And, the caring and loving side of you isn’t that visible anymore. That makes me feel sad and disappointed.

I wish you would let me know what you are feeling. I will do whatever I can to make this relationship work. But, I also know that I can’t be the only half of the couple making an effort. I feel like you used me when it was convenient for you, and now that you have more going on, you expect everything to happen how you want it when you want it. That is not fair to me, though, and is disrespectful of my needs and my feelings.

Last night, I really wanted to see you. If you had told me earlier that you didn’t want to go out, I would have been disappointed, but I would have understood. If you had called me to let me know what was going on and let me know that we would go out soon and that you missed me, I would have also felt better.

Instead, you e-mail me at a late hour…after you had clearly made plans with your Dad…to let me know that we’ll “catch up soon.” We’re in a relationship, and that’s not cool. It also occurred to me that there have been several times in which you have been home sick or exhausted and when your friends needed you or there was a social thing going on, you rallied. And, yet, last night, when there was a reason for me to celebrate and I asked you to rally for me, you didn’t. If you’re wondering how that makes me feel, “less than” and “shitty” are the words that come to mind.
***

I didn’t write anymore since tears were streaming down my eyes by this point. For 2 1/2 months, I had given Buckeyes Boy everything I had (emotionally, physically and financially). And, now, I was sitting at home, hoping that he would call me on the phone. How pathetic was that?

I talked with several girlfriends that day, and we all agreed that it was time for Buckeyes Boy to man up! And, as we all know, manning up if it didn’t involve sex wasn’t Buckeyes Boy’s strong suit.

I slept soundly on Sunday night. I started to realize what I deserved and knew I needed to have a “Come to Jesus” talk with Buckeyes Boy. He had an event that night, but I figured that I would hear from him afterward.

Around lunchtime, I was online, when my phone rang. It was the billing representative from my doctor’s office, calling to tell me that I had paid too much.

Billing Representative: Would you like us to send you a check for $30 or to credit your account?

Me: I don’t know. Whatever you think would make sense.

Billing Representative: Well…

I was half listening since it wasn’t a big deal and refreshed my computer. I clicked on the tab for Twitter and noticed that my followers had decreased by one (which happens with spam filters). But, then, I saw that I was following one less person, too.

My heart began to beat fast, and I was short of breath. My hand trembled a bit. I typed Buckeyes Boy’s real name into the search box and pressed ‘Enter.’

Me: Umm…I have some other stuff going on right now. Can you just credit my account?

Billing Representative: Of course. If you change your mind, just let us know.

Me: Thanks.

I was staring at my computer screen, and my body began to shake. There, under the photo of Buckeyes Boy was the box marked “Follow.” And, to the right hand column of his page, I had two options: Block or Report for Spam with no option to Message him.

I picked up the phone to call Julie, even though we had just gotten off the phone an hour ago.

Julie: Hey, what’s up?

Me: I think Buckeyes Boy just broke up with me…by blocking me from Twitter!!!

[Tears fill my eyes.]

Julie: Are you kidding?!? How juvenile!

Me: I think so because my followers and following both went down one. Let me check. [I scroll through the people I’m following.] I’m no longer following him. [I scroll through the people he follows, which takes a couple of minutes.] Nope. He’s no longer following me either.

Julie: That’s ridiculous!

Me: I know! I’m 36, and my boyfriend broke up with me ON TWITTER!!! What the fuck?!? It’s like I really am Carrie Bradshaw! This is the 2009 version of the Post-It note!

For once, I wished that my life didn’t make for good blogging.

Is this the end of the tale with Buckeyes Boy? Of course not. Just call me Carrie.

The light bulb

My game of Chutes and Ladders with Buckeyes Boy continued. There seemed to be a direct correlation between his work schedule, his mood and his health. When he didn’t have a day off all week, he was exhausted, sick and not the nicest guy to be around. We would still talk and have sex, but the overwhelming stress of his job sucked the life and the light out of him. He got his dream job, but at what price? Could he continue at this pace? Could we?

Around election time in November 2009, Buckeyes Boy asked me a question about local politics. I was in the zone, working on my thesis, so I just answered his question briefly.

Buckeyes Boy: Don’t you even know what’s going on in your own city? I need to get you more involved in politics.

I just looked at him and shrugged. A few days later, I relayed the story to my friend, Nicole, and her big, beautiful brown eyes got so wide that she looked like a deer in headlights.

Nicole [laughing hysterically]: Is he kidding? You must have really kept quiet the past few months.

I thought about her comment, and realized that she was right. I had kept quiet about a lot. Buckeyes Boy is a smart guy, and he respects my intellect, but I had been downplaying my accomplishments and intelligence around him. It was odd for me to realize how I had made myself so deferential to him that he didn’t even know that I had come to DC for a Political Science Internship, let alone how many protests and marches in which I had participated.

All that changed, however, when he brought up a topic relating to my specific field of practice. I launched into a 30-minute diatribe about the flaws with our legal system and current policies. He listened and asked follow-up questions, but I sensed that he was surprised. I also realized that I had been “dumbing myself down” around Buckeyes Boy. I needed to stop doing that and find a way to be supportive of him without dismissing my own strengths and accomplishments.

The week before Thanksgiving, Buckeyes Boy had to work 80 hours without a day off, which took a toll on him and us. I tried to focus on how the glass was half-full. But, I became rather salty when I saw on Twitter that: 1) he had given Susan a tour of his office; and 2) he went out with friends for drinks after work without letting me know in advance. For me, that was a Double Whammy!

He could tell I was upset at him when he came home, but he didn’t know why.

Me: Really? There’s nothing you did today that might upset me. (And, yes, that was totally the passive-aggressive way to approach the matter.)

Buckeyes Boy: [Pause.] Oh, that Susan came to the Convention Center?

Me: Ya think?!?

Buckeyes Boy: Well, she was down there. What was I supposed to do?

Me: I don’t mind you having lunch with your friends or showing them around. But, I had told you before that it’s important to me that your friends know I exist and that I see your office before other girls do.

Buckeyes Boy [raising his voice]: She was down there for work! What does it matter who I show around my office?

Me: I could see if we hadn’t talked about this before, but we did. This matters to me. And, how do you think it makes me feel to find this all out on Twitter?

Buckeyes Boy: You are so jealous!

Me: No. I’m not jealous of you being friends with other girls. It just makes me feel like you don’t care about me when I tell you something and you don’t appreciate where I’m coming from. I get that people are down near your office. I just don’t get why you wouldn’t show me around before other girls when we talked about this.

Buckeyes Boy: This doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t like this at all! And, Susan’s the person you should least be worried about! What about the other girls who I’ve shown around the office who didn’t Tweet about it?

(I could tell that he was just trying to get under my skin with that one so I didn’t directly respond to that. I know the girls to whom he was referring, but the girls weren’t the problem here.)

Me: I don’t care that you have friends who are girls and that you spend time with them. I care about the fact that I’m trying to be a part of your world like you are a part of mine, and you won’t let me in. You make me feel like I’m asking you for these outlandish things, when I’m asking for very little! [I’m crying enough by this point that I need to get a tissue.] Remember how you told me about your girl in Charlotte and how you had a relationship of convenience? [Pause.] Is that how you see me?

Buckeyes Boy [raising his voice]: That’s ridiculous! I can’t believe that you would use my past against me! What if I went on your blog and asked you about whether you were cheating on me because you cheated on other guys in the past?

(Technically, I was the other woman, not the cheater, but I decided not to argue about semantics.)

Me: Go on my blog if you want! I haven’t been with anyone since Lawyer Boy other than you, and I’ve already written posts about how I feel things for you that I’ve never felt for anyone before. I just need to know that you feel the same about me.

Buckeyes Boy: I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. If I didn’t want to be with you, I would tell you.

Our tones and words softened, and we kissed and made up. He told me that he wanted to have me come to the Convention Center after the holiday. That made me smile, but I still wasn’t comfortable with our exchange. When we fought, I always ended up apologizing for being insecure or for upsetting him. I was the submissive one in all aspects of our relationships, even when he was in the wrong or when I was asking him for things that are normal in an adult relationship.

After our conversation, I went outside to walk Nutter and called my friend, Julie. She said:

You are one of the most loving and generous people I know. You have the biggest heart, and always try to make everyone else happy. You deserve someone who appreciates how wonderful you are and who will try to make you as happy as you make him. You keep telling me that you love him, but lately, you’re always in tears when you talk about him. When was the last time he did anything nice for you?

Me: Umm. [Pause.] I don’t know. [Pause.] Going to dinner? Of course, I was the one who had to pay and then he got more parking tickets. When he came home early so we could watch Love Actually? [Pause.] Yeah, it’s been a while.

Julie: Now when was the last time you did something nice for him?

Me: [Pause.] A few hours ago. (I had made sure that I had his favorite Shiraz and cupcakes in for when he got home from work.) He shouldn’t get points for being nice 10 days ago, huh?

Julie: You deserve someone who will be good to you.

Me: I know that. I just need to get up the strength to tell him that.

The following day, I talked to several more friends about my relationship with Buckeyes Boy. The general consensus was that he didn’t appreciate me and that he was taking advantage of my generosity. After hearing that from five friends in one day, a light bulb went off in my head.

Buckeyes Boy needed to step up. Things were going to have to change.

An Oral Quandary

A friend approached me at an event last week in search of my advice about a situation with his girlfriend.

Friend: So, my girlfriend doesn't like giving me oral sex. I don't know if she had a traumatic experience or not so I don't want to pressure her, but I really like blow jobs.

Me [nodding knowingly]: Rightfully so. Did you ask her why she doesn't go down on you?

Friend: Yeah. She just said that it's not her thing.

Me: Do you go down on her?

Friend: All the time. It's the only way that she can get off.

Me: Have you asked her why it's not her thing?

Friend: No, I don't want to be insensitive. I knew you were going to ask me that. [We laugh.]

Me: Are you guys serious?

Friend: Yes. We've been together for several months. I wouldn't worry about it if we weren't.

I gave him the short version of my answer at the event, but I thought I should post the longer answer here. (And, for those of you girls who have trouble getting your guy to go downtown, most of these answers should work in reverse.)

1. Pick a time to communicate with your significant other when sex isn't on the agenda. Don't broach the subject when you are in bed or in the shower since that would just add pressure or expectations to the situation. Bring it up when you have time to talk and listen;

2. Be honest and thoughtful of the other person. This subject is on your mind, but it might not be on her mind. To paraphrase what I told my friend to say to his girlfriend, "You had mentioned a while back that you don't like giving blow jobs. I feel like it's important for us as a couple to talk about this. I love you and want to understand where you are coming from since I really enjoy the act and see it as very intimate. If you don't want to talk tonight, that's okay, though. We can talk about it more after you've given this some thought;" and

3. Respect that maybe your girlfriend doesn't know or can't articulate what she doesn't like about oral sex. When she is able to give you her response, delve into the matter further with sensitivity;

a. Is smell an issue? If so, what if you try it first in the shower so she knows that your cock is clean? (Note: be sure to rinse off after soaping up since the taste of even the mildest of soaps isn't pleasant.);

b. Is she worried that she will gag? Assure her that you won't thrust and that she can take your cock in her mouth at her pace and in the position that is most comfortable for her;

c. If she's unsure of what to do, what if you bought a sex book or attended a workshop with a sex educator? Or, check out one of my blow job posts or other info on the Internet? (Be mindful of the fact that she may or may not want to do this research with you.)

If and when she's ready to try giving you a blow job, let her know by your touch and your voice when you are enjoying a particular move. We all like gold stars; and

d. If she's unsure if she wants to swallow, don't push that. Wait until she feels more comfortable with the act before you discuss the possibility of adding that level of difficulty/stress/confusion to the mix. Let her know that you will tell her before you cum so that she can remove her mouth from your cock.

If you sense that she has had some traumatic experience with a blow job in the past, proceed cautiously and lovingly. (And, by trauma, I'm referring to something that evokes tears or anger.) Give her a hug, tell her you love her no matter what, and suggest that she speak with a health care professional to process her feelings.

What thoughts do you have for my friend? Have you encountered or felt anything similar?

How to (maybe) orgasm during sex

A female friend recently sent me an email, asking for my recommendations for the best sexual position to achieve an orgasm. That baffled me a bit because there's no simple answer to that question.

"Why is that?" you might be wondering.

Well, one's woman multiples is another woman's "isn't the G-Spot a myth?" No two women are alike in this regard, and with that in mind, here are my thoughts:

1. Have you had a G-Spot* orgasm before?

If yes, then proceed to #2.

If no, then proceed to #3. (I so wish WordPress had a flow chart feature.)

* There was a recent journal study that claimed the G-Spot doesn't exist. It does – trust me – although a woman's ability to access it varies.

2. What positions facilitate having an orgasm during sex?

if you can orgasm vaginally on your own, then you need to figure out what positions work best given your body and your partner's body. A lot of this is trial and error, but I recommend these positions for getting the best angles for a G-Spot orgasm during intercourse:

a. You on top with your back facing your man's chest (reverse catcher's mitt).

This allows for the curve of your man's cock to rub against the G-Spot. It also gives you more flexibility to angle your body and move your hips how you like. In this position, you can easily massage your clit, or depending on your partner's size, insert a finger to rub your G-Spot as you're having sex.

b. Doggy-Style.

This position allows for clitoral stimulation with hands and a good angle for the cock to penetrate the G-Spot. However, depending on the height difference between both partners, men and women might prefer different angles.

c. You on top facing your man.

This position provides a good angle for the cock to stimulate the G-Spot. It's also an easy reach for either you or your partner to massage your clit. If you need an emotional connection with your partner to orgasm, you can kiss and look into your man's eyes during the act. And, if you and your man like to use a cock ring or the We-Vibe, this position enables the toy to stay in place and hit just the right spots.

(If you are a man reading this, err on the side of caution here! When you are having sex, just start gently massaging your girl's clit with two fingers in small circles. She may or may not orgasm, but I doubt she will protest your efforts. Also, guys, missionary might be the easiest position for you, but it's usually not a winner for G-Spot stimulation. Again, I recommend that you let your fingers do the talking here.)

3. Try to find your G-Spot.

If you haven't yet had a G-Spot orgasm, then take some time on your own to explore before trying to orgasm with your partner.

A 2005 study reports that only 14% of women always orgasm during intercourse. And, somewhere between 16% and one-third of women can never orgasm during traditional sex. Women, don't feel bad or guilty if you can't orgasm during intercourse! There's no right or wrong here, and one study says that genetics play a role in your ability to orgasm. Just spend some quality time with yourself and see what happens.

If you are a man and you don't know whether your woman is able to have a G-Spot orgasm, then there's a need to communicate with her. I recommend bringing this up when you have the time to talk and sex isn't expected. It's important to take the pressure off of the end result and focus on the intimacy of connecting as a couple!

If you've found a position that works well for you and your partner, please comment. In this regard, sharing is definitely caring!

I’m a 1950s housewife!

I am giver. A nurturer. I take care of the people in my life. How did those qualities manifest themselves when Buckeyes Boy went back to work in October 2009? I turned into a housewife from the 1950s.

When Buckeyes Boy arrived home from work, I would offer to hang up his jacket and ask him what he wanted to drink. As I poured his beer or wine, I would place cupcakes or cookies on a plate for him to eat. (If I had an apron and blonde hair, you might wonder if I was June Cleaver!)

One of my friends visited us for a weekend and observed how Buckeyes Boy and I interact. He commented to his boyfriend that he was a bit taken aback by our relationship. According to his boyfriend, he was surprised that “a strong woman like [City Girl] would act so subservient.”

(“Subservient” definitely has negative connotations. It makes me happy to make the people I love happy so I don’t see being a caregiver as an obligation, but rather a privilege. Yes, I have very nontraditional views about sex, but when it comes to relationships, I’m actually very traditional. I try to date guys who appreciate both sides of my personality and who respect that I choose to care for them. I like to be a wanna-be porn star in the bedroom, but I’m comfortable being subservient or deferential in other personal settings. Putting myself in your shoes as a reader, though, I understand if I’m catching you off guard.)

So, Buckeyes Boy worked 12-hour days and was lucky if he got one day off a week. He might not eat anything until dinnertime at which point he rushed to grab something quick before whatever event was being held that night at the Convention Center. When he came home at 10pm, he was exhausted, yet needed time to unwind. By the time he fell asleep, it was 2 or 3am and then he had to wake up at 8am.

The combination of lack of sleep, poor diet and long hours caused Buckeyes Boy to be sick — a lot. More often than not, he would arrive home with a headache, sore throat or an upset stomach. Or, we would be watching TV and he would fall asleep sitting up while listening to a Pod Cast. I did what I could to help him feel better by getting him tea with honey…or Motrin…or Imodium…or a pillow. I empathize when someone I care about is sick, and my nurturing side kicks into overdrive when my man is the patient.

Buckeyes Boy would thank me after I helped him out in any regard, but the following conversation warmed my heart:

“I’ve never met anyone like you,” Buckeyes Boy said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“A lot of people say they love you or they care about you, but you don’t just say it. You show it. All the time,” he explained.

“Of course I do. I don’t want you to forget that for a minute, and it makes me happy to make you happy,” I told him.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me,” he said as he moved in for a kiss.

I kissed him back and smiled to myself. June Cleaver would be proud!

Anal play for the straight guy

An Arlington Boy Guest Post:

Months ago, I emailed City Girl with a burning question. I read some of her comments about anal sex and, as a result, was honestly curious about anal self-pleasuring and wanted some good advice on going about trying it out for myself. She gave me some absolutely incredible tips, and I’ve been enjoying anal play for some time now.

A few weeks ago, she asked me if I’d be willing to write a guest blog post about it, and I was more than happy to oblige.

You see, I’m a straight guy. Depressingly so. And a lot of straight guys have a lot of preconceived notions about anal play. Mostly that it’s either for gays, or if you derive pleasure from anal stimulation, you must somehow be gay.

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

Well, I’m here to say that I’ve been enjoying anal play for some time now, and I can assure you that I still have the raging heterosexuality of an NFL offensive line. Sexual orientation doesn’t change based on pleasure zones. And did you know that a lot of gay couples don’t engage in anal play? Ever?

There’s nothing about your anus, or any other of your erogenous zones, that’s unique to your sexual orientation. I’m going to guess if you’re a straight male that you probably like blow jobs, right? Well, so do most gay men. So using the logic of anal sex = gay, blowjob = gay, hmm?

“Waaaaaaaaaaitaminute!,” you might scream. “I like blow jobs, and I’m 100% straight.”

Oh, really? Gay guys like blow jobs too, so by *conventional* wisdom, if you like blow jobs, you clearly *must* be g…

See where I’m going? Pleasure spots aren’t something that’s solely determinate on whether or not you like girls or guys. And your anus has *lots* of pleasure spots.

So what I’d like to do, if nothing else, is to demystify anal self-pleasure for straight guys. That’s not to sound exclusionary to anyone else curious about anal sex. In fact, I hope anyone who reads this post gets something out of it! But there’s an awful lot of psychological baggage involved with straight men and anal play, and it’s to this particular demographic that I’d like to prove to that butt play can indeed be fun and, dare I say it, enjoyable?

So let’s get started!

I personally recommend starting anal experimentation by using a small butt plug. Go to any sex toy website and you’ll see an absolutely bewildering array of anal toys. Different sizes, different materials, different prices. How on Earth are you supposed to choose the *right* toy for your needs?

I’m not gonna lie… you may be in for some trial and error. And truth be told, some websites are better than others in helping you select your first toy. A website I particularly like is Eden Fantasys. They have product reviews, some of which are done by John/Jane Q. Public, while others are done by more frequent reviewers who are vetted by Eden Fantasys. So the likelihood of being influenced by industry shills who are *cough* plugging their own company’s goods are considerably reduced.

I checked toy reviews (on more than one site) and I happened to luck out and get what I consider to be the perfect first-time toy, and I’m going to recommend it to you because I think it’s the perfect starter model: the Little Flirt by Tantus.

The Little Flirt is a butt plug, which is perfect for anal newbies. Upon opening the box, you’ll notice it’s hardly intimidating. Even if you opt for something else, do yourself a favor and ensure that it’s clearly marketed towards novices. You can always “size up” later, but you really want to start out small. Your ass isn’t going anywhere!

The only other recommendation I have for a first-time plug is this: your plug (and pretty much any anal toy, really) needs to have a flared base at the end. This is to avoid embarrassing trips to the ER and awkward conversation along the lines of “Gee, Doc, I was reading this blog post a few hours ago and…”

A flared base prevents your new goodie from having so much fun with your ass that it doesn’t want to leave (think of this as the sex toy equivalent of your derelict in-law that moves in one day and never takes the hint to move out. Only your butt plug is more likely to pay the rent than Cousin Bob). And you may think you can drive, text, smoke, and eat a Whopper at the same time, so why should something as simple as keeping a sex toy from sliding up your ass pose any more of a challenge? I’ll explain it further on in this post. But trust me on this one. And keep your eyes on the damn road already!

In fact, let me explain why you don’t want to cut any corners, and why you need to select a toy that’s safe (and thus generally more on the expensive side). I remember reading in some men’s health magazine years ago (probably… wait for it… Men’s Health) that you should treat your penis like a new Mercedes.

You probably didn’t need to be told that.

But what you *do* need to be told is that, if your dick is a new Mercedes, your ass is your dad’s liquor cabinet, and DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MAH LIQUOR BOY, CAUSE I GOT A SHOTGUN AND A SHOVEL AND AIN’T NO ONE GONNA MISS YOUR ASS.

I jest, but you really, really do not want to (ahem…) fuck around with the health of your ass. And that means don’t cheap out on your new toy. You want safe. You want the sex toy equivalent of a Volvo, not a Porsche.

You’re also going to want a good quality lube. There are special lubes made just for anal sex that are nice and thick and gloppy. I honestly don’t have a preference for lube. A good one City Girl recommended to me is ForPlay. I use the Gel Plus version, and it’s a great lube for anal play.

Note: some gels contain desensitizers. You may also see separate anal desensitizers. I haven’t used them personally, but from what I hear, you should stay far, far away from them. The logic being that they desensitize a very sensitive, delicate part of your anatomy. To the point where you may end up using more force than is necessary (or wise), when you go to play, only to be in pain (or worse!) later. To put it this way: would you take a painkiller and ask someone to proceed to rack you in the nuts? Damn right you wouldn’t! So don’t do anything equally silly.

What should you do once you get your toy? We’ll get to that in our next post.