Love

The light

There’s a light bulb, brightly illuminating the room that represents my life.

When my mom died in 1997, that light dimmed. Permanently.

Everyone experiences grief and loss differently, but that’s how I see it. I still get excited about all that life has to offer, and I can laugh and smile with the best of them. But, my smile is slightly narrower and my laugh is just a touch softer without my mom in my life.

As I’ve reflected on the past 15 months, I've realized that I knew from early on in my diagnosis that I would do what I could to raise breast cancer awareness and funds for research, treatment and advocacy organizations. My diagnosis enhanced and enriched my life.

I didn’t need chemotherapy to fulfill that mission, though. Nonetheless, I was forced to receive six treatments and 20 more IVs to deal with the side effects.

I look in the mirror, and I still don’t see me.

“It’s a new you,” a friend told me.

“No, this isn’t me,” I replied.

It took me a few weeks to figure out exactly why I have such a visceral response to comments about my short hair. And, then I saw the light, or rather, the light analogy. The light in the room has dimmed again, and somewhat surprisingly, chemotherapy, not cancer, was the cause.

Three years from now, my long hair will be back, but I won’t regain what chemotherapy took from me.

“That doesn’t mean that life isn’t good, right?” a friend inquired.

“Of course it is! I’m thankful this was caught early. I’m grateful for all the blessings that I have. And, I know what I’m meant to do with my life and who my real friends are. I love the wisdom and the clarity piece, but I can’t go back to the person I was before,” I explain.

The logical side of my brain knows that everything happens for a reason. I am the person that I’m supposed to be at this time in my life. But, my heart and my vanity really wish I could have skipped this life lesson.

The light has dimmed again.

However, given the aggressive strain of cancer that I had, I will always be appreciative of the fact that the light is still on at all.

The chemotherapy drugs may still be coming out of my system, but when it comes to dealing with my cancer, it’s time to close that chapter of my life. There is still – and always – much to celebrate.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support. Your comments, Tweets and emails have meant more to me than words can adequately express. (Yes, I’ve said that before, but it bears repeating.) xoxo
 

She loves him

He told her that he loved her, and she stared at him. Words escaped her, as her brow furrowed slightly and her eyes squinted in confusion.

She considered him a friend. Granted, he was a dear friend, a friend with whom she had been intimate. But, she had never viewed him as more than a friend.

He had been there for her through surgeries, chemotherapy, hemorrhaging, the range of emotions while on steroids, temporary amnesia, and menopause. He made her feel cared for and safe.

And, then, when she began radiation, he pulled away from her. He claimed that he was focused on work, but it crossed her mind that maybe it was more than that. She hadn't intentionally taken him for granted, but the fact that she had chosen other guys over him might have taken its toll.

As his heart began to close, her heart started to open.

Four months after he told her that he loved her, she said those words to him. He responded in a slightly-raised voice:

No, you don’t!

She assured him that she did, but he insisted that she just thought that she did. She apologized for the mistakes she had made. She acknowledged that everything about the past year had been intense, and that she hadn't acted with a lot of clarity and respect where he was concerned. She explained to him how she knew that she had fallen in love with him. But, that wasn’t enough to convince him.

He compared their relationship to her “relationship” with his best friend.

“But you and I are nothing like he and I were,” she implored him.

Before they fell asleep, as they held each other close, she shared:

I had wanted to fall for him, but I didn’t. And, I didn’t want to fall for you, but I did.

He kissed her. When her closest relative had to go through major surgery, he was there for her. And, when her doctor told her that there was a 50% chance that her cancer had returned, he was there for her again.

There were moments when she wondered if this — they — could work. But, at the end of the day, he wants to move overseas, and she wants to stay in DC. She would like to start a family, and although she assumes that he doesn’t, she’s never asked him.

A few mutual friends commented that they envision the two of them together. She sighed and responded:

I love him. And, I would love to be with him until he moves overseas or I adopt. But, I'm ready for something stable and exclusive, and he wants to focus on his career and have the freedom to sleep with other people. And, I honestly don’t know that I see us being partners or anything in the long-term. Maybe down the road? Or, maybe, this was our journey together. [She pauses.] Years from now, when he’s back in DC and I see him on the street, I’ll approach him with a big smile and a long hug and say, 'Thank you for making the toughest year of my life much, much easier.' And, when we part, I’ll think to myself that he will always hold a special place in my heart.

Sometimes love is that simple…and that complicated.

What’s my number?

At brunch yesterday, a friend relayed the following story to me:

So, Joe [a mutual friend] and I were having dinner in Rockville, and the table next to us starting talking about your blog.

Me: Really?!? [We laugh out loud a bit.] Do we know this group?

Friend: No. There were four girls in their early 20s. Neither Joe nor I had seen them before, and they didn’t know anything about you beyond your blog. So…they were saying how you must be promiscuous because you write about sex. [We laugh some more.] One girl commented that she had been with five guys. Two girls commented that they had slept with around 25 guys a piece, and the last girl to speak said:

I’ve been with 130 guys. City Girl is a sex blogger so she’s probably slept with like ten times more people than I have!

When Joe and I heard that, we couldn’t stop laughing hysterically. The server finally stopped coming over to our table because she didn't know what was happening. The girls went back and forth for over an hour, debating how many guys you had been with and the fact that ten times 130 guys sounded about right.

1,300 guys?!?

Are you kidding me?

If you can laugh out loud and be speechless at the same time, picture me responding in such a fashion.

What have I disclosed by writing this blog?

I’m comfortable talking about sex and sexuality.

I enjoy sex and prioritize my sexual health.

I’m not a saint, but I’m neither a sex addict nor a sex worker.

I’ve gone entire years in which I’ve been in monogamous relationships or I’ve chosen not to have sex with a new partner until I had gotten over a past relationship.

Sorry to disappoint you, ladies, but I haven’t been with 1,000 guys. I haven’t even slept with 100 guys.

I do believe that the girls’ conversation provides an interesting commentary about female sexuality. There is a common misperception that a female who enjoys sex is promiscuous. If a man has a lot of partners, his behavior is tolerated at a minimum or revered at a maximum. If a woman has a lot of partners, she is a “slut” and isn’t worthy of being in a relationship.

In AskMen.com’s Great American Male survey, 35% of guys surveyed believe that a woman who has slept with 10 or more partners is promiscuous. Why isn’t a woman’s magazine polling females about the number of partners a man can have before he is seen as promiscuous? Maybe because that wouldn't make for interesting reading! It's expected that guys will have more partners than women, but I wonder with whom are they supposed to be getting all this manly experience?

We might not be able to control that a double standard exists and that female sexuality is condemned, while male sexuality is condoned, but we can make a conscious decision not to perpetuate the stereotype.

I talk about sex.

I write about sex.

I enjoy learning about sex.

I educate others about sex.

I have sex, and I love it!

If my comfort with my sexuality causes people to make assumptions about my lifestyle and the number of partners I've had, then I accept that on a personal level. However, I don't accept the misperceptions about female sexuality on a societal level. Each of us — male or female — deserves to feel comfortable in our own skin. Each of us — male or female — deserves to have a healthy sex life. From losing one's virginity to exploring one's sexual fantasies to masturbation to the number of partners, isn't it time for greater acceptance of and communication about everyone's sexuality, irrespective of gender or orientation?

I’ve been honest about the mistakes I’ve made in the past, but I don’t have a problem with the number of partners that I’ve had. And, whether you have yet to have sex or have been with 130 partners, I’ll do my best to support the decisions you've made about your life. We can try to raise each other up and debunk the myths and misperceptions about female sexuality or not. I’ve made my choice. What’s yours?

How do you define promiscuity and what are your thoughts about the double standard that exists with respect to female sexuality?

A bad first time

It’s Hump Day so let’s tackle a sex question from a reader:

My boyfriend thinks since the first time we had sex was awkward, it means we may not be sexually compatible. His thoughts are causing issues in the relationship, as I'm very sexual, and it’s made our recent re-attempts for sex awkward, too. How can I tell him to relax?

Answer: Thanks for your question! I think this issue is fairly common since there’s a lot of pressure placed on relationship “firsts.” The first date, the first kiss, the first time you have sex and the first vacation are all supposed to be perfect. The reality is, though, that nothing and no one are truly perfect in life or love. Given that this was your first time with your boyfriend, the awkwardness might have just stemmed from first time jitters.

It’s a good sign that you and your boyfriend are communicating, even if that communication has temporarily caused the sexual dynamic between you two to be uncomfortable. It’s important to continue communicating about your likes and dislikes – in and out of the bedroom – to get over this hump. If you’re a sexual person, then it shouldn’t be too difficult to figure out what he enjoys and the techniques and pace he prefers.

Likewise, I think it’s okay to acknowledge that every time you both have sex won’t be amazing. Factors such as sleep, stress, physical health, age, emotional health, time of day, alcohol consumption and medicinal side effects may all play a role in sex drive and sexual performance.

By your use of the term, “boyfriend,” you both appear to have made a commitment to each other prior to engaging in sex. I don’t know how long you have been dating, but the fact that you took your time to have sex until after a solid connection was formed says something about what you and your boyfriend value. Focus on what drew you to each other in the first place and try to replicate those activities on your next dates. Vary the place, positions and time of day when you have sex. Try it with or without alcohol or ambiance. Bring a fun book of different positions, adult video or Kama Sutra kit into the bedroom. You can even take a step back and just please each other orally before attempting to have vaginal sex again.

I would focus less on the fact that he needs to relax and more on the fact that you both need to be open and accepting of the other person. Sexually compatibility is a skill that can be improved upon with desire and communication. View this as a minor problem that you both can tackle head on together!

I don’t know the details of your relationship beyond what you included in the question so I wonder how old you and your boyfriend are. Priorities for people (typically, but not exclusively, boys) in high school and college may be different than those adults who are looking for something solid and long-term. If you fall in this age group and are looking for a relationship that isn’t just based on sexual compatibility, let your boyfriend’s words and actions be your guide as to whether he is on the same page as you are.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Anything to add, readers?

Have a question for me? Ask me anything anonymously on Formspring!

How to show support during a health crisis

A friend was told that she has Parkinson’s Disease. A co-worker just learned that he has cancer. Your old college roommate had a stillbirth.

How can you show your support for those people that you care about?

Here are my recommendations:

1. Something is always better than nothing. In this technological age, there are numerous options to demonstrate concern in a manner that’s easy and free. Sending your thoughts through an email, a comment on Facebook, a text message or a Tweet can go a long way. Your message doesn’t need to be long, just sincere.

Good options include: a) I’m thinking of you; b) You’re in my prayers; and c) I’m sorry, and I care.

2. Know your boundaries. There are people you call in a crisis, and there are people you don’t. Reaching out to one friend over another isn’t necessarily about which friend you’re closer to, but rather, about which friend can help you with that particular problem.

Realize that this isn’t a competition and try to be aware of your own strengths and weaknesses. We all have different skills, comfort levels and frames of reference. It’s okay to acknowledge that in a way that lets the person going through a difficult time know that you care.

One of the nicest texts I received during treatment was from a friend. She wrote:

I’ve been waiting to call you until I thought of the perfect thing to say, but I’m not good with these kinds of things. I just want you to know that I love you and am praying for you everyday.

Another friend clearly had a hard time talking to me about cancer. She was phenomenal at sending cards with sweet notes, though. Every two weeks for six months, I would pick up my mail and find another card from her. They always put a smile on my face.

3. Do your research. I find it beneficial to use the Internet to look up medical issues from reliable sources like the Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins. If I’m better informed about what issues my loved ones are dealing with, then I can be a better friend to them. Knowledge is power, and it also prevents us from saying something that we later regret or making incorrect assumptions.

For instance, a miscarriage is not the same as a stillbirth, and those two terms should not be used interchangeably. If you don’t know why, it might be worth educating yourself about it.

4. Be yourself. When my friend was battling leukemia, my group wasn’t sure what we should do. We didn’t want to do or say the wrong thing. My mentor commented:

She knows she’s dying. You always send cards and check in with your friends on the telephone. Why would you stop that now at a time when she might need it the most?

5. Don’t assume. All of us respond to a crisis differently. And, since no two people are the same, the same illness won’t manifest itself the same way in two different people. There are a variety of treatment options, and some people respond better or worse to one particular protocol than others.

The only way that you know how someone is doing is to ask:
a. How are you doing today?
b. What side effects are you experiencing this week?
c. How are you tolerating treatment?

If you have a relationship with the person in crisis, and you are taking the time to ask about his or her illness, keep your questions open-ended. Let your loved one tell you what he or she feels like sharing with you that day.

I’ve heard a lot of variations of the following statement recently:

How are you doing? I can tell that you’re feeling great because your hair is growing and you’re wearing makeup.

Me: I’m not really sure what to say to that.

I don’t mean to be rude, but if someone’s answering his or her own question, then he or she really doesn’t want to hear how I’m doing.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking about medical issues, that’s fine. Just don’t make assumptions or pass judgment.

6. Be respectful and think before you speak. Real examples of what not to say:

Husband to wife during her consultation about getting a double mastectomy: Well, your breasts were never your best feature anyway.

A neighbor to me while I was in treatment: My girlfriend didn’t even recognize you. You look so different.

Relative to a friend with severe IBS: I never let my tummy problems stop me. I just put an extra pair of underwear in my purse.

Colleague to a friend with Parkinson’s: You look good so it can’t be that bad.

If you say something and later regret what was said, apologize. We’re human, after all.

If you’d like to do more than just cards or comments, how can you be there for your loved ones during a health crisis? What can you do if you’re experiencing a health issue and don’t know how to communicate with those close to you? I’ll get to those posts in coming weeks.

What tips come to your mind, readers?

Waving my magic body wand

I was excited when Fascinations at Fun Love asked me to test the XGEN Body Wand.

“How does product testing differ from sex toy reviewing?” you might be wondering.

Well, testing typically occurs when a product: 1) is in the research and development stage and not yet available for sale; or 2) has yet to be placed on the shelves of a particular store. Product testing is less about dollar signs and consumers and more for the manufacturer's and retailer's benefit.

Since Fascinations is now carrying the Body Wand, it seemed like the perfect time to share my write-up with you. For those of you who have read my reviews, you'll notice that my writing style is less narrative and more focused on the relevant facts:

Packaging:

• Clean and simple.
• Aesthetically pleasing.
• Accurate picture and description of the product and its features.
• Indicates that the product is made of “high quality” material. Since the wand is made of body safe polymer, the box should be updated to state that it’s phthalate free and body friendly.

Instructions:

• Con: There weren’t any instructions included. I assume that the product can’t be used in water, but it didn’t say that anywhere.
• Pro: The product is incredibly easy to use. It did take me a few seconds to figure out where to connect the charger, though.

Opening the box:

• The toy has a slight odor to it.
• Much like the packaging, the toy is aesthetically pleasing and simply designed. It shouldn’t intimidate a new toy user or straight male. I like that the company used two basic colors and didn’t try to make the product look phallic.

Charging:

• Love that the wand is rechargeable. I much prefer that to battery-operated or plug-in toys.
• Very easy to charge.
• When the battery is low, the vibrations don’t dwindle down gradually. The toy just dies. That surprised me, especially since it happened while I was using it.

Using the toy:

• Incredibly easy to use and hold. I love how simple the one finger control dial is.
• The company’s claim that the toy is “deceptively powerful” is correct. This toy is great for clitoral stimulation!
• I wish the head was a little more angled so that it was easier to use when lying on my stomach.
• The box states that the toy is “quiet.” I wouldn’t say this is a loud toy, but I don’t consider it particularly quiet either. Every time I used it, there was a high-pitched buzzing sound when I first turned it on.

• For a straight couple’s use: I like the fact that I can keep the wand on low vibrations and place it on my partner’s perineum. (Other products like the Hitachi Magic Wand were too powerful for his liking.)

• For those women who can get desensitized by toys with powerful vibrations, I appreciate the fact that you can achieve orgasms with this wand, but that it’s not as desensitizing as the Hitachi Magic Wand.

• For new toy users, the different settings should help ensure that the toy isn’t overpowering. I’ve read reviews of the Hitachi Magic Wand in which women have found the high setting to be too much for them. The Body Wand’s highest setting is strong enough for an experienced toy user without being overwhelming to a newbie.

Other advantages:

• Portable. This toy is small enough to pack, but powerful to use.
• Cord-free: The Hitachi Magic Wand or comparable products that you have to plug into an outlet can be cumbersome. This wand isn’t.

I would recommend this toy to a friend and will continue to use it.

Note: The XGEN Body Wand Rechargeable retails for $80.99. There’s a plug-in version for $18 less, but if you can afford to pay more than $50 for a toy, it’s worth the added investment for the rechargeable product. There’s much more versatility when you don’t have to worry about a cord and electrical outlet.

I haven’t given a toy my full Five Squeals of Approval in a while, but the XGEN Body Wand deserves it!
This toy is great for couples, singles, new toy users and experienced toy aficionados! A win-Wand-win!

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received this product free of charge in exchange for my honest input.
 

“O” face

Let’s start the week off with a question from Formspring!

Question: My wife does not have an orgasm when I go down on her. She’s told me she likes it, but it only relaxes her. When I was dating, not like I had a line out the door, but I managed to tongue until “O” with the women I performed cunnilingus on. Thoughts?

Answer: Thanks for your question! It sounds like you truly care for your wife and her sexual health, which says a lot about your relationship. The fact that you’re already communicating about your sex lives openly also bodes well for getting down to the heart of the matter (slight pun intended).

If you can, try not to compare your wife to the women you dated before her. There will always be someone who did [fill in the blank] better or more, or someone with whom you had more or less sexual chemistry. Comparisons can often serve as a distraction from really working through an issue in your current relationship. Remember that unlike any other woman you dated in the past, this is your wife. You love each other enough to have made that level of commitment to each other so view this as but a miniscule bump in a long road together.

Since you’ve already opened the lines of communication with your wife, I would continue doing so at a time when you aren’t rushed and sex isn’t expected. I would also broach this topic gently with kind words and reassuring body language (holding her hand or putting your arm around her back, for example).

Have you asked her if she has achieved orgasm before? Not all women have. If she has reached orgasm from other activities before, has she been able to orgasm from oral alone? Have you asked her what, if anything, you can do to help her orgasm?

If she’s never reached orgasm by herself or with a partner, I would suggest buying her a small toy and encouraging her to spend some quality time with herself on her own. (My advice to women in search of their first orgasm is in this post.) Then, when she feels comfortable, you can join in on the fun.

If she can reach orgasm from oral sex, it’s worth finding out what works for her. Are either of you feeling rushed because of stress, other obligations or fatigue? If so, can you both make an effort to find a better time to be intimate with each other? Does she need a lot of foreplay before you focus on her clit? Does she need more fantasy or a certain romantic mood to be set? Do slow strokes or fast strokes work better for her? Does she like her pussy or ass to be simultaneously stimulated? If so, does she prefer a finger or two or a small toy? I’ve written posts about going down (or staying down, as I prefer to call it) on a woman before, and this one in particular might provide some helpful tips.

On the chance that your wife is unable to orgasm at all, gently guide her toward asking her gynecologist for a referral to a doctor that deals with sexual health issues. 16% of women suffer from vaginal pain conditions, and these conditions significantly limit their ability to enjoy sex. (I’m including oral sex in this category, although each woman is different.) Endometriosis can also make it difficult to reach orgasm. Or, there might be emotional issues that she’s dealing with or unable to process that require the assistance of a therapist.

Without knowing your home life, some women who are juggling careers and family have indicated to me that sex is the last thing on their minds. (I’ve had more than one reader comment that at the end of a long day, she just wants a little help with the children, a glass of wine and a bubble bath.) If it’s been tough for you both to prioritize yourselves as a couple, take some time to do that. Check out my tips to reconnecting with your partner.

Whatever happens, good luck to you and your wife and please keep me posted.

Okay, readers, did I miss anything?

Have a relationship, adult toy or sex question for me? Ask me anything on Formspring like this reader did! xoxo

A huge up and a bit of a down

Words can’t do justice to how elated I felt when I received the call from Sibley Hospital that my biopsy was benign! I don’t have breast cancer! I don’t have to go through this all again! All is calm on the breastern front!

A day after that call, I started taking a new cancer medication. This non-chemotherapy pill has been proven to lower the chance of estrogen-positive breast cancer returning. (For those who aren’t familiar with what estrogen-positive breast cancer is or are unaware of my horrid experience with the first medication I tried, click here.)

I had polled several of my doctors about trying a second drug that’s designed to block the estrogen in my body. Most of them agreed that it wouldn’t be a good idea, given my other health issues and how badly I reacted to tamoxifen, the first drug. My head oncologist implored me, though:

This medication [fareston] is metabolized in the body differently. I have a group of patients that can’t take tamoxifen and tolerate this well. These drugs are as important as chemotherapy in preventing a recurrence.

Me: I think you should know by now that I’m not most patients. [Pause.] I’ll try it out of spite. [He looks at me with wide eyes.] I’m guessing that I’ll last three to seven days on this drug before the side effects are too severe. I’d love if you’re right, though.

My doctor then began to examine me, as I continued:

I wish you could actually bet money with your patients because I would so be winning this bet! [He doesn’t say anything, but stares at me with a scared expression on his face.]

So, how did my body respond to fareston?

On only two doses of half of a pill, I noticed that I was really, really tired. I had trouble keeping my eyes open during the day, and I slept very deeply at night. No matter how much I slept, I didn’t look rested. It reminded me of taking Nyquil.

I thought about five years like that, and I had decided that if excessive fatigue was the only side effect, I would find a way to deal with it. The benefits outweighed the risks. Maybe the doctor was right about this drug after all?

On the third day, I felt a fair amount of pain in my low back, and my vision was slightly distorted like I had a few cocktails. My mood would also go from pleasant to volatile in one second flat! (Thankfully, I don’t believe that any of the tourists or other drivers heard me screaming at them from my car!)

By the fourth day, I was dizzy, nauseous and vomiting. When that persisted for more than 24 hours, I called my oncologist to let him know that I had seven of the side effects about which you’re supposed to immediately tell your doctor. The head nurse returned my call.

Head Nurse: Stop the drug.

Me: Thank you.

Head Nurse: The doctor told me that he wants you to try it again in a couple of weeks, but I told him that I bet you’re done with this.

Me [chuckling]: You know me well!

Head Nurse: I reminded him that your other health conditions might explain why you’re reacting the way you are.

Me: Probably! My other doctors and I are in agreement with you. I’m not spending the next five years feeling like this.

I tried. And, even without the drug in my system, I’m still tired, dizzy and getting sick. I’ve been making an effort to go out for charity events and to socialize, but everyone is saying how I look “off,” “exhausted,” and like I’m fighting “a bad cold.”

Within a few weeks, though, those problems should abate.

So, after the fareston is out of my system, what’s left?

  • Three more IVs between now and September 14th;
  • Getting the medical port taken out; and
  • Celebrating with you!

We’re long overdue for a blog party, don’t you think?

The Breastern Front

I’m so close to being finished with treatment that I can taste it.

My last IV is scheduled for September 14, 2011. I can get my mediport (the small, implanted device through which I receive medications) removed later that week. And, then, I’m done.

DONE.

Hopefully.

For the past month, I’ve had this feeling that something was off. I hadn’t felt any lumps, and both of my oncologists said that my Clinical Breast Exams were clear. I wondered if I was experiencing some anxiety or depression, as happens with 30% of breast cancer survivors out of fear that the cancer will return. Yet, that’s not normally how I react to health issues.

The last time I had this feeling was spring 2010 when I thought I had cancer. (And, we all know how that turned out.)

I haven’t written or told anyone that I sensed that there was a problem in Tata-ville because it just comes off as unnecessarily negative. I knew that I had a mammogram scheduled so I tried to remind myself that I didn’t need to stress about a concern that didn’t exist!

Yesterday, I had my mammogram. The technician took four films of my two breasts, and then I was sent to a small waiting room. (One of the many reasons I love Sibley Hospital is that they give you the results before you leave the Center. Most places send you home, and then you receive a letter or call to let you know whether the films look good or there’s an area of concern.)

The first woman in the waiting room received notification that all was quiet on the breastern front. She was free to go. One of the technicians then opened the door and signaled for me to come back inside.

Me [smiling with a slight laugh]: No! I know what that means!

Tech: You’re fine.

Me: I’m fine then?

Tech: Well, the doctor just wants more films.

Me: Exactly. I want to go out the ‘Exit’ door. Not in for more! [We laugh.]

In total, I was brought back into the mammography room four separate times so that my left breast could be photographed eight different ways.

My left breast.

For those of you who don’t remember, I had cancer in my right breast. If anything is abnormal in my left breast, this would be deemed an unrelated problem to what I’ve gone through over the past 13 months.

When the doctor finally came out to speak with me, she said:

You have enough calcifications in there to feed a small army. [We laugh.] Wait…is it okay that I said that?

Me: Definitely. I know that there’s a lot of mass there.

Doctor: Well, I can see an area of abnormal calcifications in the left breast that wasn’t there last year. I don’t want to put you through anything if it can be avoided, but I think that we should do a biopsy.

Me: I figured after the second time that I was brought back.

80% of all biopsies are benign or non-cancerous. Over the years, I’ve had 11 biopsies and only two of them came back positive. This is probably nothing.

I’m not sad or mad, but I feel numb.

I don’t want to deal with this again.

I want to be planning my party to celebrate the end of treatment, not contemplating:

What if?

I’m tired of my breasts looking like a patchwork quilt.

I want life to go back to normal.

My biopsy is scheduled for Monday, and I should have results a week from today.

It’s going to be benign. It’s going to be benign. It better fucking be benign.
 

Why won’t a guy do THAT?

Formspring, I haven’t forsaken you!

Question: My guy doesn’t go down. He did once for a very brief time, and I’m afraid that he doesn’t like my taste. I’m not interested in douching since it isn’t recommended by health specialists for causing Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID). So what can/should I do instead?

Answer: I’m sorry to read that you aren’t getting the attention you’d like in the bedroom. With that said, I don’t think this problem has anything to do with how you taste.

I doubt that anyone – guy or girl — would say that cum tastes like the sweetest delicacy around. Likewise, in all but the rarest cases, it doesn’t taste like the worst meal you’ve ever tried.

A shower before sex should ensure that everyone smells and tastes as fresh as he or she can. (You can also add pineapple in juice or solid form to your diet to help improve the taste of your cum.)

I commend you for staying away from douches, as they have been linked to PIDs, bacterial infections and other health issues. If you happen to have any abnormal discharge or a strong odor, you might want to make an appointment with your gynecologist. If you’re not sure, call your gynecologist! (And, guys, see your internist or a urologist if you have either of those symptoms!)

If you’re shower fresh and your man still doesn’t want to go down on you, what can you do?

1. Communicate with him. In your own words, you can either: a) tell him how much pleasure you receive from oral sex; b) ask him why he doesn’t do that to you or c) calmly say both of those things. Pick a time to broach the topic when you aren’t rushed, sex isn’t expected, and you can see his facial expressions. If he’s caught off guard by the question, let him know that he doesn’t have to answer you right then and there.

2. Flip it! The next time you are going down on him, get on top of him in a ‘69’ position. As you gently guide your pussy over his face before you take his cock back in your mouth, say something about how turned on you are by going down on him and how you’d love to cum together.

3. Bring in reinforcements. The reason that most women love oral sex is that the majority can’t orgasm without clitoral stimulation. (Not every guy knows this, though, so you might need to tell your man if that’s the case with you.)

If he takes his time with foreplay and using his hands, maybe introduce a small vibrating toy into the mix? If he’s not big on foreplay, have you thought of adding a vibrating cock ring or finger vibe to your bedroom routine?

4. Accept. Most guys of a certain age will at least make an effort to go down on a woman, but there are those men who categorically won’t. How important is this to you? Is the goal for you to cum or for him to go down on you to make you cum? Does your relationship – in or out of the bedroom – need to be 50/50? If you've answered in the affirmative, is that realistic?

I’ve often wondered why certain men don’t go down on women so I asked City Boy for the male perspective. He commented:

Men are visual creatures. The vagina isn’t something we fantasize about. We like what we can see, not what we can’t. Think of the most sensual parts of a woman – the breasts, hips, and butt. It’s never the vagina. We can’t easily touch that.

If a guy isn’t interested in going down, you can’t change him. If a woman doesn’t go down on a guy, it’s a lot easier to get her to change her mind. She’ll feel some sense of guilt if a guy gives her immense pleasure by going down on her. Eventually, that guilt will cause her to reciprocate. A guy won’t feel remorseful about the situation so he’s fine with it being one-sided.

So, readers, what are you thoughts? Have you encountered a man or woman who won’t go down on you? How did you handle it? Did City Boy and I miss anything?