Are You Ready To Lose It?

I received the following question on Formspring last week:

Hey City Girl!! I wanted your advice on losing one's virginity. How do you know when the time is right? I have an amazing bf but am still worried about my first time and don't want it to be a bad experience. Any advice?

Here are my thoughts:

The short answer to your question is that I can't tell you whether to lose your virginity or not. That's a decision for you and your boyfriend to make. (I've said the same thing when readers ask me about trying anal, a threesome or having sex shortly after ending a serious relationship.)

With that disclaimer, there are definitely factors to consider as you make your decision. Here are a few that come to my mind:

1. Why have you waited up until this point? If your interest in losing your virginity is based on pressure that you feel from your boyfriend or friends who have already had sex, then you might want to wait to be sure that the decision is yours and yours alone. If you've waited until your relationship has reached a certain milestone (three months of dating or an engagement ring, for example), then have you reached that milestone? If so, do you still feel the same?

2. What expectations do you have about your first time? I loved my high school boyfriend, Boston Christian, with all my heart. I've never regretted losing my virginity to him for a second, but the act was also incredibly painful. Sharing that experience together was wonderful because we loved each other as much as two teenagers can, but the sex wasn't.

Are you close enough as a couple that you could make it past a bad experience? Would you be okay if it doesn't turn out perfectly? What are your expectations of losing your virginity? Are you both on the same page in terms of how you feel about each other so that adding sex to the mix won't complicate things?

3. Have you discussed all the possible ramifications of pregnancy, STDs and AIDS with your boyfriend? If you don't feel comfortable talking about these topics with him, then I would question whether you are ready to have sex. Are these issues easy to bring up? No. But, they are necessary. Are you both going to be in a sexually-monogamous relationship? Will he be wearing a condom? Are you on birth control? Has he been with anyone before you? If so, do you want him to get tested first?

I addressed some similar issues in last month's post about: How soon is too soon to have sex with a new guy? Determining relationship expectations and discussing birth control and STD/HIV testing need to happen whether it's your first sexual partner or your 50th.

Please take this post as friendly advice, rather than encouragement or discouragement. If you read through this and decide that you're ready, then you are! But, if the post raises more questions for you than answers, then you might prefer to wait. You can always decide at a later point that you're ready. There's no right or wrong so just follow your heart, use your head and be safe! xoxo

Readers: What would you recommend? How was your first time?

My thoughts on Boobquake

In 1953, a young woman evaluated her options for going to college. She was an Honor Roll student and wanted to apply for a scholarship to the state university. Her guidance counselor told her:

You shouldn't apply since you're just going to get married after high school anyway.

She refused to be undeterred, working at the local YMCA to save money for night school. After college, she secured a job, managing an advertising agency in Manhattan. Her managerial style was no-nonsense, but effective. Her co-workers called her, "Dragon Lady," and rather than run from that title, she embraced it.

In the late 1960s, she was one of the charter members of a local NOW (National Organization for Women) chapter. And, she didn't follow the path that her guidance counselor predicted. She married at age 34 and had her only child, me, two years later.

My Mom raised me to believe that I could do anything and be anything. She hoped that I could be respected for being a strong and educated person. She taught me about equal rights and feminism when I was in elementary school.

The world in many senses was my oyster. Nonetheless, as far as women's rights had come, I learned at an early age that being a girl wasn't the same as being a boy. (And, no, I'm not talking about biology or anatomy here.) Two examples:

In fourth grade, I was the Teacher's Pet. (If you knew me then or know me now, that shouldn't be hard to picture.) When I finished my work, I would grade everyone else's papers in class. I knew that I had the elementary school equivalent of straight As, and that one boy in class had one B and the rest As.

However, when report cards were issued, he had all As, and I received one B. My parents asked about that in their conference with my teacher and were informed:

Boys need encouragement, and girls shouldn't have things handed to them too easily.

In high school, I went out one night with a guy, Golf Boy. He proceeded to tell the entire school what we did and even lied about having a videotape of our evening. I tried my best to ignore him after that. But in History, he came over to my desk, got on the floor in front of me, and put his hands up my poof skirt to touch my underwear.

Several other people in the class laughed, and I yelled a few expletives at him. The female teacher saw what had happened, and made me put 75 cents in the curse jar for saying three bad words. She didn't punish him at all.

When it came time to select a college, I chose a woman's college. My school allowed all of us to shine in one way or another, and I grew without having to worry about sexism holding me back.

I took several classes on women and the law. Sexual harassment in the workplace was brought up in the curriculum on more than one occasion. We were taught that harassment wasn't to be tolerated in any circumstance.

Those lessons and the relevant case law were in the back of my head when I began my first job out of college. As a legal assistant, I worked long hours and would often go to a club afterward.

Since sexual harassment was wrong, I thought that meant that I could dress however I wanted to at work. If my dress was a little short or my blouse was a little too tight around my chest, then who had the right to care? I should be judged solely on my work performance. And, besides, I really didn't want to go home at 11pm to change.

I started to notice something, though. As smart as I was and as strong as my work product was, the partners in the law firm felt like they were justified in making inappropriate comments about my dress or me.

"Your guy couldn't hold onto his balls this weekend," one attorney said after my then-boyfriend fumbled in Sunday's NFL game.

"You're a sexual harassment law suit waiting to happen," another partner told me in my first job after law school.

"The things I could do to you," my boss informed me.

I realized that there was a correlation between how I dressed and how seriously I was taken professionally. I'm not saying that was right. (In fact, I think the comments that were made to me were incredibly inappropriate.) But, the adage, "boys will be boys," has been around for such a long time for a reason.

With the first two examples, I was offended, yet I never filed a complaint. By the third, I was confident enough in my work abilities to call my superior out on his behavior directly:

"You wish you could handle this, but we both know you can't. Can we get back to the case now?" I told him with a firm attitude and a big smile.

He never made a comment about my appearance again.

I also reevaluated what I could do to be taken more seriously in the workplace. I left my mini-skirts and tight sweaters at home and invested in a lot of Ann Taylor and Tahari suits. I noticed how people responded to me differently. My opinion and my accomplishments were more respected. I liked that.

Why am I writing about all of this on a relationship and sex blog? I love my sexuality and my curves. But, I also love being taken seriously as an attorney. If we lived in a society that didn't view women as sex objects, then I could be both a lawyer and a sex blogger. But, that's not the reality. Double standards may not be as overt as they once were, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.

I, thus, didn't feel comfortable participating in Boobquake today. (For those of you who are unaware about what Boobquake is, read here.)

I'm thankful that women in the United States have countless freedoms that women in so many other countries do not. I admire the idealism and social media savvy of the college senior, Jennifer McCreight, who came up with the idea to for women to wear low-cut tops. The goal of Boobquake: to test (mock?) Iranian Prayer Leader Sedighi's theory that dressing immodestly causes earthquakes. I vehemently disagree with religions, cultures and regimes that try to suppress women educationally, economically, politically and personally. But, I've learned that I can be a better advocate for those women and myself, if I keep my revealing attire out of the workplace.

I support those of you women who wore low-cut tops today in protest of Sedighi's misogynistic and misinformed statements. But, I hope that you'll also support me. I'm the woman in the black Ann Taylor pants suit with sensible heels to your left. Yeah, that's me. I'm Dragon Lady's daughter and proud of it.

Did you celebrate Boobquake? Was it just a college joke, in spite of the media coverage and massive on line support? With an estimated 200,000 participants, how can this event turn into something more to advance women's issues?

How soon is too soon to have sex with a new guy?

When I was in NYC recently, I had lunch with an old friend. In less than a month, her long-term boyfriend had broken up with her, and she met a great new guy. We started discussing her current relationship, and she asked me:

How soon is too soon to have sex with the new guy?

I'll gladly tackle the question with the disclaimer that there's no right or wrong answer here. I know couples that have had sex the first night they met and are happily married years later. There are also women out there who have waited to have sex with a guy, thinking that he was "The One," only to have sex with him and find out that he wasn't.

With that in mind, what factors should you consider before jumping in bed with a guy?

1. What are you looking for?

Sex: More than a few young women are raised to feel like it's wrong to view sex or want to hook up like men do. There are many double standards when it comes to relationships and sex, but that doesn't mean that those standards are right. What's wrong with using a man for sex like a man might do to you, provided that you can emotionally handle a connection that's purely physical? If what a girl wants is a one-night stand or casual sex, then there's no need to wait. Practice safe sex every time, find a place that is comfortable for you both, and make sure that you know the guy well enough to know that if you set boundaries, they will be respected. Beyond that, have fun!

Love: If you are looking for a relationship with a solid, emotionally-based connection, then I recommend waiting before adding sex into the equation. Give yourself time to make sure that you both are on the same page in terms of compatibility and what you are looking for out of the relationship. Focus on activities outside the bedroom to really get to know each other. Enjoy kissing and other non-sexual forms of affection and romantic expression. Make sure that you both are equally as invested in the relationship and that you are spending regular amounts of time together.

If you are always waiting for him to call and don't see each other with much frequency, then you might not be on the same page. If you feel anxious about when you will hear from a new guy or how to define your relationship before you have sex, that feeling will only magnify after you have sex. You can't expect that sex will change a guy's behavior so why not wait to see if you're both looking for a serious relationship before you jump into bed with him?

Discuss birth control, condoms, STD-testing and whether or not you both are in a monogamous relationship before you have sex. If you are waiting to have sex until you're in a long-term relationship, but you don't feel comfortable discussing any of those topics with your man, then you aren't on the same page. (I'm not saying that these topics are fun or easy to bring up, but they are necessary if you're in a monogamous relationship.)

Something between Sex and Love: If you aren't sure of what you're looking for or whether a new guy has long-term potential, then wait until you know or your relationship has been defined. Once you have sex, you can't go back to the beginning stage of the relationship and get to know the guy without sex being part of your normal routine. Remember that there's no harm in waiting.

2. How long should you wait?

I've noticed that I have more clarity about and peace regarding a relationship when I wait to have sex with a guy. I look back at several relationships and was glad to realize before I had sex with a guy that we weren't compatible. Likewise, I could tell which guys truly cared about me because they were interested in more than just sex.

I can't tell you if four dates or a month or Steve Harvey's 90-day probationary period is right for you. What can I recommend then? Take your time, trust your intuition, and do only what makes you feel comfortable. Make sure that you know  If you have concerns that you're having sex too soon in a relationship, then you probably are.

3. How can you tell if you're over your ex?

For my friend, this is integral to the issue of when she should have sex with the new guy. She was in a serious relationship, and her heart was broken. Understandably, she might need time to process that before having sex with the new guy.

When you bounce from one serious relationship to the next, you don't always look at the new partner as purely for sex. But, if you haven't healed from your previous relationship, the new partner ends up being a transitional guy by default.

How often do you think about your ex? Do you find yourself looking at old photos, cards, e-mails or his profiles online with any regularity? Are you still crying or angry about the relationship? If you knew that he would be at a certain place on a given night, would you feel the need to go there to confront him or would you avoid the place altogether because seeing him would be too painful? Are you waiting for him to call, text, IM or e-mail you just because? Are you preoccupied about that one small thing of yours that is still over his place?

An attachment to your ex or a lack thereof might depend on who initiated the breakup, why you broke up, and/or how difficult the latter part of your relationship was. I can't tell you if you're over someone or not, but if you aren't truly sure, then it might make sense to wait to move forward with your new relationship. You owe it to yourself and your new partner to make sure that you're approaching things honestly and openly. Otherwise, Mr. New Guy automatically becomes Mr. Rebound. If that's what you want, then fine. But, if you don't feel certain or you think that the new guy could become something serious, then err on the side of caution and just keep waiting.

Do you have any rules when it comes to having sex with a new partner? How long do you recommend waiting? How could you tell that you were over your ex?

Around the rim

A reader sent me an email on Twitter last month, asking me about rimming.

(For those of you who don't know what rimming is, it involves oral-anal play. Rimming occurs when one person licks, tongues or eats out the other person's asshole. It's also called a rim job, analingus, or tossing salad. The act can be used as foreplay before sex or by itself. There is a misperception that oral-anal play is just for gay men. That's just not true. Rimming is anyone who enjoys anal play irrespective of sexual orientation.)

Here are my two (or 200) cents about rimming:

1. Does your partner want you to lick his or her ass? I don't think that's a given since I know quite a few friends of mine — men and women — don't enjoy anal play at all. Treat rimming much like anal sex and evaluate on a partner-by-partner basis. The majority of my ex-boyfriends have (thankfully) loved anal sex as much as I do, but only one of them wanted me to give him a rim job. There's not necessarily a correlation between whether a guy wants to have anal sex with a woman and whether a guy wants to be on the receiving end of oral-anal play.

2. So…how do you find out if your significant other is interested in rimming? Communication! I never recommend going into any type of anal play blindly since not everyone enjoys that. Pick a time to broach the subject when there is no expectation of sex. Openly talk about likes, dislikes and concerns.

a. How do you or does he/she feel about fingering the anus? If you are or your partner is open to that, how much of a finger feels pleasurable? Sometimes a little goes a long way. Does saliva provide enough lubrication or do you need to use lube for finger-anal play?

b. How about licking? How much tongue is too much? Does it feel comfortable to have some or all of the tongue inside the anus or is just the outside better? (Some of this is trial and error when you are in the moment, but it helps to talk about the act in advance.)

c. Is your partner open to using anal toys? Is there an interest in having a finger lead to a tongue and then lead to a bead or butt play? What are the limits?

d. If you are a man trying to gauge if your woman is interested in having anal sex, it's helpful to talk about what she does or doesn't feel comfortable with. Does she view fingers and a rim job as part of the process to become more acclimated to anal play or does she view those acts as unrelated from anal sex?

e. Are there health concerns here? Make sure that your partner has gone to the bathroom and fully cleaned out his or her system before you head in that direction. (That seems like Rim Job or Anal 101 to me.)

But, there's another, far more serious layer here. There is a risk of hepatitis from rimming. Are you and our partner exclusive? Do you want to get tested for hepatitis, other STDs and parasites before you explore the fine art of salad tossing? Will you be using a condom before you engage in rimming?

Since it's worth noting, yes, you can just let your fingers do the walking or tongue do the talking when you are engaging in hand or oral play. (I actually didn't know how much I enjoyed rimming until a one-night stand with Dominican Boy .) If you care about the person you are with, though, I think that communicating in advance strengthens both your emotional connection with your significant other and the pleasure during the act itself.

3. Now, what if you like to receive a rim job, but don't want to give one to your partner? (That was the second question that my friend on Twitter asked of me.) A few clichés come to mind:

Tit for tat;
What's good for the goose is good for the gander;
Giving is better than receiving; and
You gotta suck it up.

I realize that none of those are particularly eloquent, but I think you get my point. I believe in reciprocity in the bedroom. It doesn't need to be 50-50, but if you want to receive something in the bedroom, it's only fair that you also give.

Think about what doesn't appeal to you about the act and try to remedy the situation. Maybe you first try licking your partner's ass in the shower after you've made sure the area is clean? Or, you could start with a finger before you move on to the tongue? You also don't need to stick your whole tongue inside of your significant other's anus. You can start with just the tip and ease both of you into the act. For those who like anal play, using the tongue on the outside of the anus — back and forth like a paintbrush or in a clockwise motion — can be extremely pleasurable.

You might also want to see if your partner would be open to using a toy in lieu of or before your tongue. Would you feel more relaxed doing it if you've already gotten off or had a glass of wine first? Or, can you please yourself with one hand or a small toy while licking your partner's ass?

Once you do bring your mouth down to the anus, don't do so begrudgingly. If you focus on the negative, it will be less enjoyable for both you and your significant other. Try a few mind over matter tricks. Remind yourself that you enjoy pleasing your partner. Feel sexy because you are doing something that turns him or her on. You might also feel differently if you try to give someone you love a rim job versus engaging in oral-anal play with someone with whom you are in a more casual relationship.

You might enjoy rimming. You might not. But, keep communicating with your partner and experimenting in whatever ways makes you both feel comfortable!

PS Part II to this post about what to do when you are engaging in oral-anal play coming soon.

One orgasm at a time

Earlier this month, I received this question from one of my favorite virtual friends:

How do I stop myself from essentially being “done” after one clitoral orgasm? (I can’t get off vaginally and let’s face it; I’m usually alone anyway.) My body goes limp. I’m in a state of bliss and I’m like a guy who falls asleep right away. Even if I tell myself I want to have a night of multiple orgasms, I have one and change my mind.

How do you keep yourself in the mood for an extended period of time? Also, if I’m going to follow that up with sex, I’m dry and sensitive, and it’s really uncomfortable. It sounds from your previous posts like you find sex to be better after an orgasm. But for me, it’s the opposite. My body just says, “Umm, we’re done here!” What can I do, other than lube, to help that along?

***

Great questions! Here are my thoughts:

1. One of my friends has an incredibly healthy sex life with her husband, and she orgasms like you do. Instead of viewing “One and Done” as a negative, she looks at it as “One! And!! Done!!!” She recognizes being spent as a very good thing. She also builds her connection with her partner by trying to time her orgasm with when her husband is going to cum.

Maybe you should try to reframe your thoughts about multiples since cumming more than once doesn’t necessarily equate with a better sexual experience. In fact, Men’s Health estimates that only 14-40% of women can achieve multiples. Although that’s a wide range, you are clearly in the majority, not the minority.

2. Have you tried waiting before you try to orgasm a second time? If you feel like you need to sleep, what if you take a nap before trying to orgasm again? Or, if you are using a sex toy, what if you wait a minute (or two or 20) to let your clit relax before you try to cum again?

3. If you are using a sex toy, rather than your fingers, try decreasing the intensity of the vibrations after you cum. You can experiment with: a) taking the toy off of your clit before bringing it back at a lower speed; and b) keeping the toy on your clit, but lowering the speed of the vibrations.

4. Try different types of sex toys — from a small toy that takes one battery to the big guns, the Hitachi Magic Wand or Homedics Massager.

I would also add a dual-purpose (vaginal and clitoral toy) to the mix. Since you haven’t cum before vaginally, I would stick with a rabbit-style product, instead of spending money on a more expensive toy. Take your time to see if you can find your G-Spot and notice how the sensations differ.

5. Does your mood or orgasmic ability change, depending on the toy you use? If you achieve a stronger orgasm with one toy over another, notice how you feel afterward. Are you more or less spent? Can you keep the toy on your clit and continue to cum?

Are there other things (candles, music, erotica literature or porn) that you can utilize to help keep you interested in the task at hand? Are you hornier at certain times during the month? (Women’s hormones peak during ovulation, which typically occurs 10-14 days after the start of your period.)

6. When you’re in a relationship next, experiment to see if you get a heightened sensation by mixing up the order of things. If sex isn’t comfortable after you cum from oral, have your man use fingers or his tongue to get you wet, but not to the point of cumming. Then, when he is inside you, use fingers or a small toy or cock ring to massage your clit. How is your orgasmic experience when you are cumming clitorally while your man is inside you?

7. There are so many types of lubrication because it’s useful! If you aren’t a fan of lube, you can also try to have your significant other wait a few minutes and then try to gently use his fingers, tongue or small toy on your clitoris and around your pussy. The goal doesn’t necessarily have to be to cum, but rather, to get you wet enough so it’s not uncomfortable for you to have sex. You might also try moving to the shower for sex after you orgasm or taking time for your body to relax while you give him a blow job as foreplay.

8. It’s worth noting that your knowledge of your body and orgasmic ability may vary with age. (There is debate within the sexual education community as to whether women really peak sexually at age 35.)

There’s no right or wrong here. Remember, though, that more doesn’t equal better. Experiment to see what turns you on and have fun with that process!

So, readers, what tips do you have for my dear virtual friend?

Why didn’t I blog in real time?

A friend, Lisa, approached me and said the following:

A lot of people don't get your blog.

Misty: What's not to get? [I nod my head.]

Lisa: You don't blog in real time.

Me [with a confused expression on my face]: So?

Misty: She's a storyteller.

Lisa: Well, I get it, which is why I read it so you don't have to convince me….But, 8 people — in PR and Marketing — have come up to me recently and talked about how you don't blog in real time. They don't understand it.

Me: What is there really to understand? It's not that cryptic.

Lisa: You have to have noticed that some of your commenters have been frustrated with the same thing and how you write about things that happened a few months ago.

Me: Yes, I've noticed. But, I just kept telling the story, and it seems by the numbers of hits that I've received that people keep reading.

Lisa: But, I bet that you could quadruple your hits if you blogged in real time.

Me: Really? With the amount of hits I've gotten recently? I doubt that.

Lisa: But, you need to blog in real time if you want to be a successful blogger.

Misty: But, she doesn't want to be a successful blogger.

[I nod my head in agreement. And, yes, folks, Misty is right. If I can turn my blog into something more professionally in the next year, I will. If not, I'll go back to representing my clients since I miss my clients.]

Lisa: You are a blogger now, though. And, you've used social media to promote your blog. You've said that. [I nod.] Social media and Twitter are about getting information in real-time, and you're not blogging in that manner.

A longer discussion ensued, but it got me thinking about what I do and how I do it.

Why don't I blog in real-time?

1. I didn't start blogging in real-time.

My friends have been telling me for years to write down my guy stories. When I broke up with Lawyer Boy at the end of 2008, I had the time and the inclination to finally do that. I wasn't in a relationship at the time so I started writing about past events. Word-of-mouth about my blog grew, and I just kept on writing;

2. I'm a storyteller.

I see myself as a storyteller, rather than one who blogs about her day. Some events warrant several posts, while other quieter weeks don't warrant a mention. Misty commented that some days I would just be writing, "Didn't go out on a date. Didn't have sex." I love my life, but the rest of my life doesn't always make for a good read;

3. Would I be able to date in a small city like DC if I did blog in real time?

I don't think so, and Lisa and Misty both agreed with me on this point. Why is that? DC is small. Lilliputian small. If guys knew that whatever happened that night would appear in a post the following day, I doubt that many guys would want to date me. By not blogging in real time, I also can see if a relationship evolves.

For instance, last Thursday night, I met four guys. I'm currently exchanging e-mails with three of them. I don't know if I'll end up dating any of them, though, so is it really worth describing our first encounters or e-mails on my blog? There might not be a story there since I don't know if any of them will amount to more than just a guy I met at a event. Who knows if a casual encounter is blog-worthy?

That also raises another issue. I just admitted that I'm in contact with four guys from last week. All of them have access to my blog. What if by the sheer fact that I met other guys that night, I lose the chance to go out with the guy with whom I'm the most compatible?

In a similar vein, in the past week, I've been in contact with Philly Matt, The Baron, JAG Man (yes, he's back, too), and Mr. Executive. Out of that group, I could see seriously dating two of them. (No, I'm not saying which two right now.) If I put every detail in real time about my interactions with them and feelings about them, then I might miss out on the opportunity to spend time with each of them individually and see what happens next.

If you know me, you realize that I don't engage in casual sex. (I've had a single one-night stand in a decade.) But, I do believe that a double standard exists in the dating arena. I'm trying to explore my options respectfully. Real-time blogging wouldn't allow me to do that without feeling like all the guys on deck were watching over my shoulders. Writing my stories down the next day might also spark jealousy and resentment or cause a guy to act uncharacteristically.

4. Do you really want real-time?

I have this vision of my man behind me and my laptop in front of me. In that scenario, I'd be blogging as my man is having sex with me. The title of that post would be: Is This Enough Real-Time For You?

Sex and love don't always follow a story arc, and my stories are detailed and explore things from every angle. As "real" as I am in my blog, I think that "real time" would detract from my posts.

Mr. Executive also made a good point that if I was to blog in real-time, then I would need to have an itinerary before every post. He joked:

So…are we going to have sex, watch a movie or get in a fight tonight? I need to figure out what I'm going to write about next.

I prefer to let whatever happens happen organically and then write about it after I've had time to digest it. And, yes, I realize that I was blogging about the end of my relationship with "Buckeyes" Boy three months after we had split up. But, I have to believe that my readers (and not just my friends) care about me as a person. I don't know emotionally if I would have been able to handle writing about everything as I was going through it with "Buckeyes" Boy. I also wouldn't have done well with all the criticism in the moment. Isn't it better that my relationship with "Buckeyes" Boy ended as it was meant to, rather than by a huge fight over the comments that he read or something I put in a post?

5. What else should I do?

I initially started to write down my stories just for me. But, now, I'm writing for a larger audience. I feel guilty when I don't blog for a few days in a row. My readers are invested in my stories, and I don't want to disappoint. Many of you have shown me by your comments, Tweets and e-mails that you care about me. I feel that, and I want to give the same back at you!

Isn't the purpose of social media to exchange information to a broader audience through the Internet? And, isn't that what I'm doing? Yes, social media provides news and information in real time, but whether or not I have sex with a guy isn't news; it's entertainment for my friends and readers.

Social media has grown in every sense of the word because it isn't formulaic, and it's constantly being used in new and visionary ways. It's ironic to me that I've received criticism (albeit through a third-party) that I have used social media in a way that it wasn't intended to be used. Who defines the norm in an ever-changing market to infinite consumers? More accurately, does there need to be a norm? Isn't the beauty of social media that we all have the power to create and exchange personal and professional information over the Internet in whatever manner we choose?

I'm not cooking one recipe a day to blog about it. Likewise, I'm not sleeping with or dating one guy a day to prove a point. That's not my love life as an adult, and it's not my writing style.

I've always done it my way (that was the title of my autobiography back in 6th grade), and I blog like I fuck (out of the box). I'm a storyteller and an advice-giver, and I'm just going to keep on writing. xoxo

So…what are your thoughts? How do you define "successful blogger?"

Your questions answered

I’ve received a lot of questions about “Buckeyes” Boy over the past month. I thought I could tie up a few loose ends by answering them.

1. Have I seen “Buckeyes” Boy since December 1st?

Yes, actually. I saw him at a tech event last month. I RSVP-ed at the last possible moment so I don’t know if he knew that I would be there, but I knew that he would.

I wasn’t sure if seeing him would trigger anything. But, my heart didn’t beat fast, I didn’t cry, and I didn’t have the desire to jump on the bar, point at him and sing the Eastern Motors jingle. (For you out-of-towners, click on this to see the worst commercial in history. For you locals, I’m sorry if I got the jingle in your head, but my friends and I all sing this when “Buckeyes” Boy’s name comes up in conversation. Yes, my girls and I are wrong.)

Seeing “Buckeyes” Boy reminded me of what a fine man he is. But, unlike many of my past ex-boyfriends, I have absolutely no desire to hook up with him again…ever. I’ve seen what’s on the inside, and that’s far from fine.

That night, I had decided that I would exchange pleasantries with “Buckeyes” Boy, if he approached me. But, he avoided me like the plague. When he walked past me at the end of the night like there was a fire, I laughed out loud.

2. How was I emotionally able to write about this the past couple of month?

Good question. It wasn’t easy, but it was cathartic. I think my writing style is a benefit and a detriment when it comes to posts about conflict or break ups. I’ve been blessed with a great memory, and when I write, I take myself back to that time. I try to remember every detail and my emotions so I can write about the experience accurately.

With that said, if I wrote about a time when “Buckeyes” Boy’s actions or inactions made me cry in the past, I was at my laptop crying in the present. It was tough to relive that, especially given how blunt the comments to those posts were. But, I also realized how strong I am.

3. Am I really okay?

Yes! I’m far happier now than I was during the last half of my relationship with “Buckeyes” Boy. All these great things started happening to me right after he handed me back the keys to my place (personally, professionally and educationally). A weight was lifted off of my shoulders, and I felt like all the blessings that I was receiving were affirming signs from above that I shouldn’t be with him.

4. Is “Buckeyes” Boy, [his real name]?

I’m NOT posting his real name or Twitter handle on my blog or Twitter feed. Period. In my mind, that wouldn’t be fair since I don’t post my real info on here.

If you are able to put two and two together, I’m happy to tell you discreetly under the condition that information from this blog will NOT appear on his Twitter feed, or be broached with him at an event or at his workplace.

Yes, he played me. Yes, I blogged about it. But, I trust that karma and “Buckeyes” Boy’s lies will take care of the rest.

In the past week, several people have contacted me, realizing that “Buckeyes” Boy had lied to them, too (in personal and professional settings). DC is a small city, and the DC Twitter community is even smaller. For instance, it might not be the best thing to tell the woman who is handling my PR and a recruiter that you’re Canadian…when you’re not.

5. Do I think “Buckeyes” Boy cheated on me?

I don’t honestly know. And, I doubt I’ll ever know, unless someone else contacts me after this post. I knew that I needed to get STD testing done in mid-November after he revealed how he will go out to bars to look for one-night stands instead of masturbating, and I did just that. (Thankfully, all is well on that front.)

Plus, the boy lied to me and manipulated me for months. If he put his cock inside some other girl, would it hurt me? Sure. I’m human. But, does it really change anything? No.

6. What would I say if I knew “Buckeyes” Boy was reading this?

When we were together, we talked on quite a few occasions about how we hoped our mothers were looking down on us from heaven. We hoped that they had met and that they could see how happy we were together. I know that my Mom is looking down on me now and is proud of how I handled myself during our relationship. Can your Mom look down on you and say the same?

Oh, I found your Match profile. (He reinstated an old profile the first week in December. I had a vibe and used an old password to check.) Here are my friendly recommendations:

a. Change your profile picture to what you use on Foursquare or crop the photo of you and Paul from your friend’s birthday. The current picture makes you look like you have a gut, which you don’t. Your best features are your smile and arms. Pick a photo that shows them off;

b. There’s no need to lie about places you’ve traveled to or college athletics. Those lines aren’t necessary at your age; and

c. Be straight about what you are looking for. You are not looking “to connect with someone mind, body and soul.” DC is a city with many career-oriented women. Just say something like, “I have a demanding job that I love and little time for a relationship. If you’re in a similar place and looking for companionship, please send me an e-mail.”

I’m happy to answer other questions about this or anything else, but I hope to leave Buckeyes Boy behind this week and moving on to sex questions and The Baron! xoxo

The reveal

It was New Year’s Eve. My hair was done, and I had my party dress on. I had Tweeted that I was heading to Georgetown for dinner and then drinks at L2 Lounge. All that was left was to feed my dog, Nutter, and I was off to ring in 2010. My phone vibrated, and I thought it was another BBM from Misty, but it was an e-mail…from “Buckeyes” Boy.

I was simultaneously infuriated that he was writing me after I had asked him not to contact me and curious as to what he had to say at this point. He wrote:

I know you asked that I not contact you and I will certainly not do so beyond this email. I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry for any way in which I’ve hurt you or mislead you. You deserved more and because of me got much less.

Thank you for being you and the wonderfully sweet, thoughtful, caring, and all around amazing person you are. I hate using such a dated cliche, but it wasn’t you, it was me. I noticed the way I was responding to what you needed or by the way you phrased certain questions. It hit me that I wasn’t really able to handle the relationship that you needed. Whether that be because of the new job or time or whatever, it wasn’t enough for you and I could feel that.

In the end, it should have been communicated to you differently and more respectfully than the way it ultimately played out. Whether you believe me or not, I did not pack my things with the knowledge that I was not coming back.

On the eve of a new year, let me again say I’m sorry and I wish you nothing but happiness and success in all things you do in 2010 and beyond. You deserve nothing less….

Me

***

I sat on my kitchen floor with tears in my eyes and called Misty.

Me: Why the hell would he do this to me on New Year’s Eve?

Misty: Because he’s a manipulator.

Me: Why is he still signing our e-mails as “Me?” It’s so not cute anymore.

Misty: Maybe he does that in all his e-mails? [We laugh.] Just let it go. We’re going to have fun tonight. Don’t let him spoil that for you.

Me: You’re right. Thanks. Can we meet in like 30 so I can regroup a little?

Misty: Of course.

I hung up with Misty and called my friend, Z.

Me: Why the hell would he do this to me on New Year’s Eve?

Z: He’s scared. He knows that you’re up to something since you haven’t indicated on Twitter or your blog that you’ve broken up and that you’re writing about this big news. He knows that you’re going to bust him.

Me: Yeah, that makes sense.

Z: He has a guilty conscience, too, and is probably realizing that he lost the best girlfriend he will ever have.

Me: Yeah, he did. [We laugh.]

And, then, Z and I started discussing about how insincere the e-mail was. If “Buckeyes” Boy really wanted to make amends, wouldn’t he have sent that note with a check for the parking tickets or an offer to come to an event at the Convention Center? But, he didn’t. He just wrote more of the same bull-shit.

My ex and close friend, Philly Matt, had a different take to why I heard from “Buckeyes” Boy on New Year’s Eve.

Philly Matt: Because he’s alone and doesn’t want to be.

It took me less than 30 minutes to realize that “Buckeyes” Boy’s e-mail changed NOTHING! He was a pathological liar and a guy who knowingly took advantage of my generosity. So, what did I do in response?

Just what he deserved…nothing!

So, yes, folks, my boyfriend really did break up with me on Twitter. He played me, and after the initial shock subsided, I decided to play the story. I was a 36-year-old who met her boyfriend through Twitter and got broken up with on Twitter. This was blog gold!

In writing up my little speech for my Blog Party at Black Finn last night, I realized that I ended up with a different kind of Twitter relationship story out of this experience, though. If it wasn’t for “Buckeyes” Boy, I never would have become active on the site…I never would have gone to my first Twitter Happy Hour…and I never would have met many of you whom I now call friends.

I can’t regret dating “Buckeyes” Boy because it led me here. I feel blessed to have so many wonderful friends through the Twitter and the blogging communities — both virtually and in real life. And, it looks like my blog might (fingers crossed) lead me in a new professional direction so I’m not returning to the law this year.

My relationship with “Buckeyes” Boy also taught me that I needed to put my goals first. This City Girl hopes to be a City Mom in a few years. I attended my first informational meeting about adoption earlier this year and plan to start the process in the spring. To say that I’m excited about adopting a little girl would be an understatement.

Thank you again to everyone who came to my party last night and all of you out there in the blogosphere who expressed your concern about my well-being! I appreciate your support more than words can adequately express! xoxo

Guess he needs a new nickname

I had sent an e-mail to Buckeyes Boy and felt comfortable taking the higher ground. We didn’t need to be friends per se, but we could be friendly and peacefully-coexist in the DC Twitter/Social Media community, right?

On December 4, 2009, I waited to hear back from Buckeyes Boy. That day, I also received an e-mail from a good friend, Ronny. He and his sister, Rhonda, were born on Ohio State’s campus and are huge Buckeyes fans. (For those of you who aren’t sports fans, a Buckeye is a nut and the state tree of Ohio. Ohio State’s athletic teams are “The Buckeyes,” after the state tree.)

Ronny mentioned that we should go out for drinks one night with his girlfriend and Buckeyes Boy. I told him that I’m happy to meet as a threesome, but that Buckeyes Boy had broken up with me on Twitter. As we were e-mailing back and forth, a thought crossed my mind that I might ask Ronny to do some reconnaissance for me.

“About what?” you might be wondering.

I wanted to find out whether Buckeyes Boy was really a Buckeye.

See…when Buckeyes Boy and I met [at the Twestival], a guy approached Buckeyes Boy and made a comment about the team.

Me: Did you go to Ohio State? [Buckeyes Boy nods.] Did you play at Ohio State? [He nods.] Varsity? [He nods.] Dayum! Your stock is rising!

Since then, he and I talked on numerous occasions about his experiences playing for Jim Tressel and what it felt like to be a college athlete at that level. His playing trajectory confused me a bit, though. He told me that he played for Coach Tressel at Youngstown State, then headed to Ohio State with Tressel, and then went back to Youngstown to finish his degree in four years. I wasn’t sure if that made sense, though, for the following reasons:

1. I did a Google search and didn’t find anything under Buckeyes Boy’s name and Ohio State. Maybe if he just went to school there wouldn’t be anything, but I couldn’t find any entries when I searched with “Buckeyes” or “Football” either. Since Ohio State Football is one of the biggest programs in the US, that seemed odd to me.

2. He wasn’t a friend with anyone from Ohio State on Facebook, and there weren’t any pictures of his playing football after high school. Wouldn’t he at least be friends with a former teammate or groupie, or have been tagged in a photo or two?

3. I also couldn’t find any information on Google or Facebook that indicated that he played for Youngstown’s varsity football team. YSU won the D-IAA Championship in 1997 so for a small school, the football program is anything but. Buckeyes Boy claimed that he graduated in 2000 from Youngstown, and I found one Google entry to indicate that he worked on a project at Youngstown during college. But, a search of the three years of late 1990s football rosters at YSU that I could find didn’t bring up his name.

4. Aren’t there transfer rules that would’ve made it impossible for him to graduate in four years if he kept bouncing between schools?

I briefly shared my suspicions with Ronny, and as I had hoped, he was on the case. And, as any good Buckeyes fan would say:

I know the names of everybody that even considered playing for the Buckeyes, even the walk-ons. I know where they went to high school, what they’re majoring in, and whether or not they’re going to class (I’m obsessed). If he played there in the last 15 years, I’d know him.

***

An hour later, I received this e-mail from Ronny:

If it makes you feel any better, I can’t find on him a single roster for OSU going all the way back to 1990. Tressel started coaching OSU in 2001, and since he’s 32, he would’ve had to been in college 7- 8 years to have played for him at OSU (the math just doesn’t add up). Either way, I’m sorry it didn’t work out. You deserve much MUCH better. Of all the schools to make up a story about, boy did he pick the wrong one…LOL…

***

Why would someone lie about playing college football to people at a Twitter charity event…and then to your own girlfriend? I started to wonder:

If Buckeyes Boy had lied about that, what else had he lied about?

And, if Buckeyes Boy isn’t a Buckeye, then what do I call him now?

New strategies

"Buckeyes" Boy hadn't paid for his parking tickets. He hadn't unblocked me from Twitter. He hadn't found an hour or two in almost three weeks to actually break up with me in person! We had been living together for almost three months! What kind of person treats someone like this?

But now, he hoped I was well and thought, "we definitely need to catch up…if we're going to try and be friends…[or] for closure." (Huh. Ya think? Isn't actually talking in person a key component in Adult Break Ups 101?) And, he was still signing his e-mails to me as "Me." Me? Seriously?!? What used to be adorable was now just patronizing!

I forwarded his latest e-mail to several friends. Their responses varied from "ignore" to "hear what he has to say" to "if he pays you for the tickets first, then you'll talk to him." I wasn't sure what I wanted to do so I kept my reply brief:

When and where are you thinking?

***

"Buckeyes" Boy went back and forth for a few brief e-mails and decided on that Sunday evening after work at a bar or restaurant between his office and my place. I wasn't sure if I could be friends with him after all he put me through, but I did want to hear what he had to say for himself.

My strategy for when we got together would be as follows:

1. Let him speak;

2. Without responding to anything he said (aside from nodding my head and the occasional "hmm"), present him with a folder with all the information that I've gathered inside. (And, yes, the anal-retentive lawyer in me would have an index and the documents divided by tabs.) Ask him if he cared to comment; and

3. Inform him that I was going to be blogging about all of this and that it would be my own personal mission to make sure that he didn't treat any other girl in the DC Twitter and Social Media community the way that he had treated me.

"Buckeyes" Boy and I had arranged to meet on December 22nd, but the Blizzard of '09 put a wrench in our plans. He let me know early in the morning that the Convention Center was closed that day. I thanked him for giving me a heads up, but sighed to myself in relief. I realized that I was happy that we weren't meeting. Why was I feeling that way?

I slept on it to give myself time to process, and when I awoke, the answer was clear to me:

I had absolutely no desire to see him. He was a master manipulator, and I didn't want to sit in front of him and get dragged deeper into his web of lies. What was the point?

I exhaled deeply and sent him the following e-mail:

It's clear that you knew you were never coming back to my place when you packed up all of your stuff. Given that we had talked about our relationship problems on numerous occasions before that, I wish you had just been straight with me about your plan.

I opened my heart and my home to you. I celebrated your successes and took care of you when you were sick. I paid for everything for you for 2 1/2 months to my own financial detriment. By choosing to end things how you did, you disrespected me.

I found out over the past two weeks that you have lied to me about several matters. I can't be friends with someone who takes advantage of me and lies to me.

I also don't see the point to talk to get closure. Please don't contact me again.

***

With that e-mail, I let the majority of my anger and sadness go. The guy I fell in love with didn't exist so how could I miss him? I trusted that he would respect my wishes, and that our story would end with that e-mail.

And, it did…

until 9pm…

on New Year's Eve.