Third Blogiversary Thanks!

Today is the third anniversary of my blog.

In December of 2008, I was getting over Lawyer Boy, working on my thesis, and battling the side effects of repeated concussions. It seemed like the perfect time to finally write down my crazy dating and steamy sex stories. I blogged anonymously since I had planned to return to legal policy work. Back then, the majority of my readers were friends in real life.

In December of 2009, I recognized that I could turn heartbreak into blog gold by writing about the relationship debacle that was my time with "Buckeyes" Boy. Within six months, my readership had increased 10-fold, and I started realizing that my blog had turned into a brand. Could I write about sex and relationships and conduct workshops for a living?

In December of 2010, I had finished my fifth round of chemotherapy. I hadn't slept well in three months. I was on way too many medications, including steroids, and was in chemo-induced menopause. There wasn't much in my life at that time that was joyful, but I (somewhat thankfully) was too sick and out of it to care. I just wanted to get through treatment and wanted my life back. I did find moments of happiness when I used my experience to help educate others and when I received attention from either Mr. Agency or Best Boy.

This December, my blog is so much different than it was because I'm so much different than I was. This blog has changed me for the better. Cancer has changed me, too, and with respect to relationships, those changes are also for the better.

Have I made my share of mistakes over the past three years? Sure. But, I'm proud of myself for realizing that life provides enough drama for me all on its own. I don't need my relationships to provide anymore drama. My blog hits aren't as high as they were a year ago, and I'm 100% okay with that. My love life isn't a train wreck, and I don't make questionable choices anymore. A reader who enjoys going online to critcize others will be bored by my site now. A person who just visits this blog for entertainment purposes and doesn't want to hear about cancer or health advocacy will be similarly disillusioned.

I was talking to a group recently about my first book in the sex and relationships arena. I have enough posts to compile a book about my own dating adventures, but I don't know that I see myself going back. Do I really want to go to bookstores or college campuses and speak about my relationship mistakes or give added energy to guys who wronged me years prior? I won't say that will never happen, but it's just not my priority now.

I care about educating others. I care about talking about those topics that people don't often talk about — from anal to cancer to first orgasms to prioritizing our health to spicing up a stale relationship. I care about putting a face to cancer and letting people know that it's okay to date and have sex during a health crisis.

In the next month or two, my site will be redesigned to reflect the new direction. If you're still reading now, there will be more of the same, but the site will be easier to navigate. I'll also be linking my name to my brand more since I'm no longer anonymous. Stef Woods and City Girl Blogs are now one and the same.

For those of you who have read my blog faithfully, I thank you for standing by me after the train wreck has been cleaned up. I'm appreciative that so many of you out in the blogosphere have become my friends. You stuck by me through the highs and lows, and for that, I'll always be grateful. A special shout-out to Abby, Erika, Intrigue Me, Jean, Jo, Kat, Simone and Teacher Girl. I look forward to thanking you all in person some day soon!

With much appreciation from the bottom of my heart, a huge virtual hug, and best wishes for the happiest of holidays,

Stef

Orgasm Help

Nothing says, “Happy Holidays!” like answering a reader’s question from Formspring.

Question: I’ve never orgasmed, and I feel like every partner I’ve had takes personal offense to it. I want to learn how to reach that point, but nothing I try seems to work. I don’t get any pleasure from a man going down on me. I feel like I’m broken or something.

Answer: First and most importantly, you are not broken. Remind yourself of that often! Almost 1/3 of women never orgasm during sex. Unfortunately, there’s no tried and true playbook for reaching orgasm that works for every woman, but you might find some comfort and pleasure in any of the following recommendations:

Are you able to orgasm by yourself either clitorally or vaginally? Figuring out what you like on your own will allow you to feel more comfortable with your own body and orgasmic ability. Then, you can bring those techniques and preferences into the bedroom with your partner.

For self-exploration, I recommend that a woman spends some quality time with herself and by herself. You can start with a small toy and place it just on your clit — not inside. If you need to be relaxed first, do whatever gets you in the mood (music, wine, candles, chocolate, etc.). It’s your time to cater to you!

For starter toys, I recommend a bullet, the Lelo Nea or Mia, or the Fun Factory YOOO. You don’t need to go full force and buy a Hitachi wand for your first time, but the option is there.

It’s okay to set the stage or do anything to yourself that feels good. Rub your nipples, point your showerhead toward your pussy, lie on your bed and rub your pussy lips with your fingers. Open the top of the lips and place a finger or two directly on your clit. Continue to do whatever turns you on. It might take some time (15, 20 or even 30 minutes), but you don’t have to use a toy to experience an orgasm unless you want to.

Another option is when your clit is hard, place the tip of the bullet or small vibrator on your clit. If you like the comfort or warmth of a shower or bath, you can look for a waterproof bullet to bring in the shower with you. Once you’ve experienced an orgasm, you will know better how to guide your partner to help you achieve one. Another benefit of exploring yourself on your own first is that you won’t be afraid of or confused by the sensation. The mystery will be gone, and the pleasure will be all yours!

If you’re looking to achieve a G-Spot or vaginal orgasm, check out this post. The G-Spot, also known as the clitoral legs, can be elusive, but there are tips that can help you find and embrace it. The Smart Girls’ Guide to the G-Spot is a great book, and Fun Factory’s Smart Balls tighten the pelvic muscles to allow for increased orgasmic ability.

With respect to how to interact with your partner, I recommend being honest without being self-deprecating. Stress how you enjoy the intimacy of sex and accept that experiencing pleasure during sex doesn’t necessarily translate into reaching orgasm. Let your partner know that there’s nothing wrong with him or with you. If oral doesn’t stimulate you, help guide your partner toward the activities and motions that do. Use fingers, toys or positions to heighten your pleasure.

If you experience pain during sex, make an appointment with your doctor and ask for a referral to a specialist who deals with vaginal pain issues. An estimated 10% of women experience regular vaginal pain, which can make anything that contracts the pelvic muscles difficult to tolerate.

As with anything in the sex realm, try not to feel stressed or pressured about when you will orgasm. It will happen as it’s meant to.

Cancer Buddy vs. Cancer Bully

Are you a Cancer Buddy or a Cancer Bully?

What's a Cancer Bully?

I regard a Cancer Bully as anyone who belittles or is being judgmental about a patient's experience.

Examples include:

  • Talking about a person's condition behind his back without asking him how he is doing.
  • Making assumptions about a patient's ability or inability to work without talking to her about her limitations during surgical recuperation or treatment.
  • Joking about a patient's condition in front of her children.
  • Judging a patient for being out socially and laughing with loved ones.
  • Criticizing a patient's decision to go bald in public or be photographed without hair.
  • Comparing a patient's condition to another patient who might have had an easier time with recovery or treatment.
  • Letting mutual friends know that you won't attend an event if the patient is invited.
  • Saying that the experience is all in the patient's head or that he or she is being emotional.
  • Claiming that anyone would use a health condition to get attention.
  • Judging someone's experience with cancer based on the stage of diagnosis or their appearance.
  • Commenting about someone's weight during treatment.

I think it's also important to remember that much like high school, there are bullies and there are those who do not speak out against the bully. These are the enablers. We all have an obligation to let people know when comments and behavior are misinformed, cruel and unacceptable. If the bully's comments don't stop, then we need to remove ourselves from the conversation.

How can you be a Cancer Buddy? It's all about HALPing.

  • H: Health-Affirming: Good health is something that we take for granted, unless we don't have it. We can't put ourselves in someone else's shoes, but we can seek to validate another person's experience and be Helpful in our attitude and actions.
  • A: Asking how the person is doing.
  • L: Listening to the person sincerely.
  • P: Pitching in as your interest, schedule and location permit. Realize that small gestures such as texts, cards, offering a ride or dropping off cookies matter. More examples of showing support to a loved one during a health crisis can be found here.

People, especially women, have been subjected to belittling and judgmental reactions towards their physical, developmental and mental health issues for centuries.

Have you been on the receiving end (either directly or indirectly) of a Health Bully? How have you handled it?

Giveaway — Hope for the Caveman

Men throughout the United States and beyond have adopted a feminine perspective on what it means to be a man. Without realizing it, they have made a terrible mistake. Instead of meeting women halfway, men have yielded their natural roles and are walking around emasculated. As a result, society has begun to break down, and men everywhere are hungry for the reemergence of an authentic masculinity.

This guidebook offers solutions so that men can learn who they are and cultivate their masculine identities. Important areas of research include:

•Differences between the male and female brains;

•Case studies portraying why misunderstandings occur between the sexes;

•Ways that men and women can best contribute to society; and

•Strategies to get to know yourself better as a man.

If you sense something is wrong with yourself or the men around you, then listen to your instincts. Take steps to fix your natural compass and help others find their way out of the wilderness. By embracing knowledge, there is still Hope for the Caveman.

The above synopsis of Hope for the Caveman by Patrick Williams, MD, provides a glimpse into what is sure to be a thought-provoking read for men and the women who love them!

Who's Patrick Williams, the author? He's a board-certified physician in internal medicine and geriatrics, and he focuses on helping men in midlife make a successful transition to the second half of life. He lives in a small town in the mountains of Colorado with his wife of thirty-five years.

Enter to win a copy of Hope for the Caveman by commenting below about why you need this book. The winner will be chosen randomly on Saturday, December 24, 2011, to receive either a hard copy or an e-book.

As a post script, these book giveaways are starting to become a habit! I'm hoping that they continue as such. xoxo

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, this book will be provided to one reader free of charge. I did not receive any compensation for this post or giveaway.

My thoughts on People Magazine’s cover story

My heart goes out to Giuliana Rancic. I admire her strength in dealing with fertility issues and now breast cancer in a very public eye. I join her millions of supporters in keeping her health, recovery and hopes in my thoughts and prayers.

When I saw Giuliana on the cover of People Magazine, I felt her pain through her words and photographs. I also felt thankful that we now live in a society in which we can talk about breast cancer openly. There was a time not so long ago when that wasn't the case.

With those disclaimers, I had some problems with the medical information included in the article:

“That recovery [from a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction] is expected to take two weeks.”

Two weeks?!? Two weeks? I’ve fought a cold longer than two weeks!

People Magazine, I realize that you’re not known for investigative journalism, but I still hoped for more accurate information from your publication!

Following a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction, a woman is likely to be hospitalized for several days to a week. She may be sent home with drains coming out of her breasts. Depending on where the extra tissue came from (her back, underarms and stomach are all possibilities), she may also feel a significant amount of pain in other areas.

The recovery time for reconstructive surgery alone is six to eight weeks. That estimate is increased when mastectomies and reconstruction are done simultaneously because that’s a more traumatic procedure on a female’s body.

The surgical recovery time also fails to factor in the need that many women have for physical therapy once they are recouped. Mastectomies and reconstruction make it difficult for women to move their arms, stretch their chest and rotate their shoulders. Physical therapy might be required to assist with increasing strength and mobility.

And, what about the emotional recovery piece? We live in a culture that reveres breasts as symbols of femininity. Battling cancer and frequent hospital visits and surgeries can also take their toll on a woman’s peace of mind. An estimated 30% of women beat breast cancer and experience depression. Another 20% suffer from body image issues.

I also cringed when I read the statement in the article from oncologist Dr. Guiliano that “in some conditions…it [attempting IVF after surgery for breast cancer] is quite safe.”

I’m not a doctor, but it doesn’t take a medical degree to put the pieces of this puzzle together.

If a woman has breast cancer that tested positive for estrogen receptors, the cancer fed on estrogen and hormonal imbalances. About 75% of breast cancers are estrogen positive. IVF, pregnancy and childbirth cause dramatic fluctuations in the hormones in a woman’s body.

The decision to try IVF or get pregnant after battling certain types of cancers should not be a precipitous one. Women understandably look up to and identify with a public figure like Giuliana Rancic. People Magazine, it was worth throwing in a disclaimer that each woman’s experience with the disease and fertility is unique and that each woman should consult with her doctor to determine what is in her best interest.

Giuliana, I pray that your recovery is as quick and painless as possible.

People Magazine, I hope you recognize that you can empower women to be better health advocates and be more informed through your publication.

Readers, the year is almost over! What can you do to take care of your health more in 2012? Are there medical appointments that you need to be making?
 

Facebook and Relationships

If your relationship isn’t “Facebook official,” is it real in this day and age of social media? Read on to learn about my thoughts on several different types of relationship modes on Facebook:

1. The Play-by-Play: They’re on. They’re off. Oh, wait, they’re back on. Friend this person so you can find out when they’re “in a relationship” or she’s “single” again. Tune in for the occasional status update in which all the specifics about what’s not working are shared with every friend she has! Also note related status updates in which a guy checks in with the boys at a sporting event or locations in Vegas, Miami or New York, or a female writes about how much she loves her girlfriends and that she’s in desperate need of a spa day or Girls’ Night Out!

2. The Photo Barometer: Are they on or off? They don’t include their relationship status in their Facebook profiles, but a simple glance at which profile picture they’re using should tell you all you want to know. A couple’s shot means that they’re on, but a photograph without the other person speaks a thousand words.

3. Peeing on the Wall: You didn’t even know that those two people knew each other, and yet, he’s writing on her wall, checking in at places with her, and commenting on her photos as though he’s getting paid to do so! It’s like The Animal Kingdom, Facebook Edition. The man wants to mark his turf and let you know that he’s staking his claim to this woman and her…I’ll go with heart. Just click “like” to encourage this behavior.

For those of you who notice a lot of comments on your wall after only one date, view this as a bright yellow flag! If you're in a relationship and don’t write on your girlfriend’s wall, while she writes a lot on yours, realize that she still feels the need to proclaim that you’re her man.

4. The Masquerade: A couple hasn’t indicated that they’re in a relationship. The two people don’t write on each others' walls. They don’t post their own pictures of themselves, and yet, they’re tagged together in photos at every event. Are they together? Yes. Are they doing their best to keep their relationship off of social media? Yes. Tag sparingly if you’re a good friend of either party.

5. The Passive-Aggressive: He doesn’t confront his significant other about a problem directly, but he’ll start a conversation about the issue on Facebook. Parenting, money, shopping, PMS and pregnancy are often the prime topics to be highlighted. Maybe relationship therapy from the Facebook peanut gallery can help smooth things over? [Insert eye roll here.] Isn’t it easier to keep certain matters private and off relatively public forums like Facebook and blogs?

6. The Glory of Love: She can’t describe her partner in a status update without the use of a minimum of three adjectives. And, there are numerous status updates a season, espousing her undying love and appreciation for her wonderful, fabulous, amazingly sweet husband. I’m all for letting others know that you love and appreciate them. And, there's nothing wrong with the occasional loving status update or wall comment. But, unless you're in the beginning stages of a relationship, me thinks thou doth praise too much.

So, readers, what did I miss? What have you seen on Facebook with respect to relationships that's worth noting? What modes do you personally use?

Giveaway — Life’s Too Short to Date Men Like Me

A Hilarious Guide to Avoiding Jerks and Attracting Decent Men!

Every woman has either dated a jerk, or knows a friend that has dated one. But avoiding the jerks and attracting a decent man is actually a lot easier than you think.

Forget watching reruns of Sex and the City or chatting with your girlfriends late at night. In this guidebook, a self-professed jerk comes straight out, speaks the truth, and systematically explains how to

• spot, avoid, and say goodbye to jerks;

• tell if a guy is wasting your time;

• deal with players

• hunt for good men (and where to hunt for them).

You’ll also learn how to avoid common mistakes, such as overrating initial chemistry, inadvertently hurting a man’s ego, losing a good guy’s interest and much more. Full of witty satire and sarcasm. Get ready to laugh out loud with this hilarious anti-game.

What people had to say about this book:

“Hey Willie, this is so entertaining! Ha ha you have a great sense of humor, and your statements are so true!” – Denise

“We all know no one likes a tattletale. Hate the game, not the player. Every girl Tiger slept with knew he was married. Who is worse?” – Steve the player

“That was such an enjoyable and enlightening read. I mean it’s well written, witty, and one would think some of it is common sense, but sometimes people (i.e. me!) need common sense to slap them in the face!” – Cheryl

“Willie whistle blower has a nice ring to it. You know someone’s going to kick your butt one day? Good work!” – A guy Willie no longer parties with

“I don’t understand you. You go through university, build a promising career. Now you quit your job and write this book? Why would you tell the whole world you’re an asshole?” – Willie’s mom

About the author: Willie Booker grew up in England and Hong Kong. He graduated from the University of Nottingham with a degree in psychology, and went on to work in the finance industry. He is now a full time writer and dating coach, and will soon be launching a new dating and match making company targeting young professionals and businesspeople.

Purchase the book on Amazon here.

***

When Willie Booker, the author of "Life's Too Short to Date Men Like Me," contacted me to offer a book giveaway for my readers, I had to say, "Yes!" The synopsis and cover had me nodding my head and laughing out loud. Any good reader knows that I was the Queen of dating guys like Willie. (Wait a minute….he and both lived in Hong Kong. Maybe I have dated him ;)?)

One lucky winner will be chosen randomly to receive a copy of the book. Comment between now and Saturday, December 17th at noon to enter.

You must include the word, "Willie," in your comment. Why? I just like the author's name and the word's alternate meaning.

Good luck! xoxo

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, one reader will receive this book free of charge. I have not receive any payment or compensation for this post.


 

A Blip

During my interview 14 months ago with Let’s Talk Live, I mentioned that cancer would be “a blip” in my life. By “blip,” I meant that there was a clear beginning, middle and end. I would beat it, and then I would be done. I wish I could be so blissfully ignorant now.

After I was diagnosed with cancer in June 2010, I didn’t start treatment for three months. My breast surgeon was on vacation the week I was diagnosed. I needed three weeks to get an MRI and receive four more breast biopsies. Then, I had my lumpectomy and another surgery to remove just the right amount of clean breast tissue. And, then, we waited for a lab in California to return with the results about what type of breast cancer I had. When the results came in, they differed from the results from a lab in Maryland so another test was run.

The waiting was annoying, but I had one of the best summers that year. My life consisted of boys, blogging, breast biopsies, minor surgeries, and bopping around between charity and social events. That summer was so wonderfully vapid!

In the summer of 2010, I would have easily responded to you with a list of loved ones who would be there for me if I needed chemotherapy. I never imagined that some of my closest friends wouldn’t be there for me. Those people are not among my close friends anymore. Either you are in or you are out when it comes to being there for those you love. I wish I didn’t know at such an early age who would be there for me when the chips are down.

In the past two weeks, I’ve encountered several people who I apparently met earlier this year, yet I have no memory of meeting. I’ve also heard three stories from friends about events that transpired during treatment of which I have no recollection. I appreciate that I was given medicines that can cause temporary amnesia, but I still find that disconcerting!

My doctors regard the success of my treatment based on how long I go without my cancer returning. Decades are obviously better than years, and years are better than months. If my cancer returns within five years, my oncologist would talk about odds and the difficulties of being diagnosed at a young age with an aggressive type of cancer. He might even mention my family history of cancer or my own unique health history. He wouldn’t understand my perspective.

If my cancer returns in the next few years, I would not feel as though my treatment was worth it.

If my cancer returns next year, I would not do chemotherapy again. Period. I believe that life is meant to be treasured and that we need to respect our bodies. But, life is also meant to be lived! I required three or four days of IVs for every day of chemotherapy. To me, that does not consitute living life to the fullest.

I trust that God has a plan for me. That doesn’t mean that I need to like every stage of this journey, though. In the meantime, I'll try my best to keep my tears and frustrations to a minimum. I'll try to focus on how all the blessings in my life and trust that all of the treatment worked. But, that doesn't mean that a day goes by in which I don't miss my long hair, my old body and how carefree I was before treatment started.

I hope and pray for the day in 2016 in which I'm so much wiser than I was when I was diagnosed, but with the same amazing hair flip!


 

Death and doctors

Am I scared of dying?

One of my students asked me that last week after class. It wasn’t the first time that I had heard that question, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.

We hear about death on the news every evening. Having good or poor health doesn’t have a bearing on a person’s ability to withstand a natural disaster, car accident or terrorist attack. Accidents and tragedies happen every day. Fortunately or unfortunately, we don’t have the ability to predict how or when our time in this life will be over.

My first memories are of dealing with health issues as a baby. I started to go paralyzed at the age of 20. I saw the light when I was unconscious after I fainted in my early 30s. And, I was diagnosed with cancer at 37.

I firmly believe that I’m meant to be here, as God has had ample opportunity to take me. I was the first person to ever go to GWU with Guillain Barre without an ambulance. My aggressive strain of cancer was caught early. I saw the light, but I came back.

I don’t know what the future holds for me or how long I’ll be alive in this body, but I know that I will do my best to live in the moment, while I plan for the future.

I’m not scared of dying, but I also don’t take life and my health for granted. I haven’t had the luxury of doing so.

None of us knows when we will die, but we thankfully do know steps that we can take to take responsibility for our own bodies.

An overwhelming majority of us recognize that healthy eating and exercise are good, and texting while driving is bad. But, is there more that we need to do?

Is the year almost over and you have yet to get an annual physical? Are you overdue on your pap smear, mole check or mammogram? Have you been fighting a cold for weeks, but don’t think you need to see a doctor about it? Have you been trying to ignore that pain or cyst? Are you having a difficult time concentrating, sleeping or processing a difficult life event?

Don’t have time before New Year’s to go to the doctor? I think you should make time…or at least make an appointment for early January. I promise you that you’re worth it!

Are you scared of dying? Are there appointments on your list that you should be scheduling?

Faking it

Last week, I received three questions on Formspring related to having an orgasm. (Is there something in the air?) I’ll answer those questions in the coming weeks, but the interest in the topic has me thinking that we need to reframe the discussion.

Where’s the focus on intimacy?

Why don’t we educate women how to have orgasms, rather than commiserate over faking them?

Why, for heterosexual couples, is the focus on the guy’s lack of skill or sensitivity, or the woman’s frigidity?

Why can’t we prioritize knowing our bodies and sexual health in a positive way?

A young woman who is losing her virginity shouldn’t be expected or feel pressured to know her body as well as a woman 10, 20 or 40 years her senior. A prostate cancer survivor who can no longer ejaculate shouldn’t feel as though sex is pointless. A female who hasn’t yet experienced a vaginal orgasm shouldn’t feel as though she’s faking it. A committed couple that uses a toy to stimulate the female’s clit during sex shouldn’t question whether or not that act of sex constitutes “making love.” A guy shouldn’t feel emasculated if his wife doesn’t cum from sex or accuse her of being a cold fish.

Based on the female anatomy, most women don’t achieve women through vaginal intercourse alone. Only 14% of women always orgasm during vaginal sex, and almost 1/3 of women never do. The media appears far more concerned with talking about the problems than of promoting any solutions.

Some women orgasm easily. Some don’t.

Some people cum during foreplay. Some don’t.

Some like anal. Some don’t.

Some use sex toys. Some don’t.

Some can reach vaginal orgasm. Some can’t.

Sometimes sex is great! Sometimes it’s not.

Isn’t it more important that we try to know as much as we can about our wondrous bodies, rather than aspiring to some soap opera notion of love making? If we reframe the discussion to talk about the fun of the journey, rather than the destination, won’t we all enjoy the ride more?

There’s much fun to be had if women take the time to explore their own bodies, men learn about the clit and what their partners like, and couples communicate about their sexual health.

What are your thoughts on faking it and the pressures to reach orgasm?