Online Cheating

There was once a simpler time for intimate relationships. When your communication is based entirely on face-to-face conversations, dates, and truly getting to know and trust one another, two people have the ability to really connect.

This concept is now long gone. With multiple new platforms of communication, including cell phones, email, and, of course, Facebook, people in young relationships have a dozen new things to worry about. At what point do I add him as a friend? Are personal wall-posts appropriate? Should I list him as my boyfriend? How many old pictures of him can I look at before it’s creepy? Are high school prom photo shoots too far back?

Clearly social media has changed relationships. In some cases, it brings them closer. It’s easier than ever to learn more about the person’s likes and personality. Partners in long distance relationships have opportunities to stay close. Yet I’m curious: how has social media affected the level of trust in a relationship? Are chances of cheating higher? What about jealousy? I want to learn more about intimate relationships and social media’s affect on trust, jealousy, and infidelity. I believe this information will give insight into online communication and how it affects one person’s ability to become intimately close to another.

In the above project proposal for our Sexuality and Social Media class, Kyle Dunphy selected a key topic in the intersection of digital technology and sex. Her blog explores relevant issues such as the definition of cheating, whether sexting constitutes cheating, and if cheaters can change their behavior.

Kyle writes:

There are two very important traits that the cheater must possess in order to defeat the “always a cheater” stereotype. First, the cheater must have a strong desire to change their behavior. Although people can often be against the idea, sometimes counseling is a necessity. Mr. Goodbar, an alias for the self-proclaimed cheater and author of the book “The Married Man’s Guide to Cheating,” explains that not enough couples go to counseling, “which can be the key to saving a marriage when the infatuation wears off” (Weigel). As an online cheater, “you don’t actually realize that you’re growing close to someone on the internet because it just looks like you’re having conversation” (English). In this case, you have very little desire to separate yourself from the online world. “Someone who cheats can choose to blame others or they can pause and go deeper and sort of wake up to their life” (Weigel).

Second, the cheater must understand the reasons why he or she strayed from the relationship. When Dr. Kent-Ferraro had an affair that resulted in divorce, he took time to himself and analyzed his behavior, determined his reasons for cheating, and then proved his trustworthiness and affection for his wife again (Kent-Ferraro). Once he was able to pinpoint the reasoning behind his behavior, he was able to change his beliefs and his actions.

So, readers, do you think that a cheater will always cheat?

Want to learn more? Check out Kyle’s blog and Tweets.

SEXial mEDia

Earlier in the semester, my Sexuality and Social Media students and I discussed this video from Bedsider.org:

What are your thoughts on how the video encourages birth control use?

One of my students, Emjay, conducted her research for her class project on whether social media outlets specifically targeted towards sexual education are effective in their real world application. She explored Bedsider's offerings, including its section for "Reminders." Emjay writes:

“Set up a reminder and leave the rest to us” is the tag line (Bedsider). Speaking as someone who uses this feature on my phone I can say they really do take care of everything. There are two options of reminders: appointment or birth control reminder. You must certify that you are over the age of 13 and have a cell phone or have the expressed consent from an account owner. Under the appointment reminder you select the date and time of the appointment then if you would like the reminder sent to your e-mail or your phone. I have the reminder sent directly to my phone but you can text “STOP” to end it or “HELP” for more information.

For the birth control reminder you first select the type of birth control from ring, pill, patch or shot.  These are the only options because according to Bedsider, “These are the only methods you need to remember on a set schedule, separate from the heat of the moment. It’d be tough for us to remind you when to use a condom or put in a sponge—there’s no way we could know when you’re going to get busy!” (Bedsider). (Although I wish there was an reminder for condom use, that might get a little creepy.)

At your selected date and time, Bedsider then texts you a fun messages like, “Two new findings suggest: Women prefer men with deep voices. Men with deep voices have lower sperm counts. No matter what he sounds like, please take your pill.” However, you can also select for a “less frisky option” (@Bedsider) that makes no mention of birth control or your specific method. Instead of setting an alarm or constantly being aware of what time it is, Bedsider provides a fun way to remind yourself to take your birth control.

For her project, Emjay also held a roundtable discussion with nine college students to: 1) evaluate the information contained within eight popular sex education websites; and 2) engage in open dialogue about sex and sex education. Click here to find out which websites the group liked the best and follow Emjay on Twitter for related updates!

PS Emjay came up with the catchy title for her blog and this post. Social Media + Sexual Education = SEXial mEDia!

What if your partner isn’t supportive during a health crisis?

It's been two weeks since I had a double mastectomy, and I'm thankfully continuing to recoup well. The pain is minimal enough that I was able to stop pain medications last week. I unfortunately still have two drains coming out of my armpits, and they are uncomfortable and limiting. I also find myself getting out of breath often and losing focus easily. I'm hoping to get the last two drains out on Monday and receive clearance to drive and walk my dog by Memorial Day. I feel very glad that my doctors and I decided upon this course of treatment, and I'm incredibly grateful that I'm able to do as much as I can. Progress, not perfection, right?

During a recent interview with Breast Cancer Answers, I was asked about my thoughts on dealing with an unsupportive partner during a health crisis like breast cancer. Here's what I had to say:

Have you or a loved one had to deal with this? What thoughts do you have?

IUDs: A Primer

Have you ever wanted to know more about an intrauterine device, the birth control method known as an IUD?

If so, check out my video about IUDs for Health Central.

If an IUD might be the right birth control method for you or your partner, I encourage you to check with your doctor or health care professional.

Domestic Violence Is Not A Joke

The Internet is a large, open space where everyone has the ability to voice his or her opinion. What happens when that opinion is in support of abuse? A blog post last year addressed the hashtag that began trending on Twitter: #reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend (Gruber). Twitter says, "the # symbol, called a hashtag, is used to mark keywords or topics in a Tweet. It was created organically by Twitter users as a way to categorize messages" (“What Are Hashtags”). For victims of domestic violence, a hashtag like this could not only serve as a trigger, but it normalizes violence against women. The blog article asks its readers if Twitter should remove hashtags that imply violence: 60% said yes, 30% said no, with 10% saying it depends on who the violence is aimed towards (Gruber).

In response to this hashtag, an online petition was started. The petition states, "this weekend, the hashtag ‘#reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend’ became the world’s number one ‘trending topic’ on Twitter. Thousands of users submitted reasons domestic violence would be acceptable including ‘dinner’s not ready’ and ‘she distracts you from watching television’” (“Tell Twitter”). The petition argues that Twitter bans hashtags that include curse words in them, and therefore, a topic that promotes abuse and violence should not be allowed on Twitter either (“Tell Twitter”). The petition had a goal of 10,000 signatures, and as of April 17th 2012, it had 8,784 signatures (“Tell Twitter”).

Of course this topic brings up the question of first amendment rights and free speech. One article argues, however, “Twitter’s policy states that ‘if you don’t like a topic, don’t read about it.’ Easier said than done when the topic in question is on the right side of every page, staring you in the face” (Aumiller). Especially for those who are personally affected by domestic violence, having such violence encouraged on a social media platform can be especially damaging. I think something like this is damaging for other populations as well. It teaches young women that they are not worth respecting, and it teaches young men that they have the right to say what they want about women, regardless of what kind of violence or disrespect that implies.

***

When I read the above blog post, written by my Sexuality and Social Media student, Dani Nispel, I was incensed. I recalled the Tweets during the 2012 Grammys, in which women claimed that they would let Chris Brown beat them any day. In my opinion, a person's right to expression on Twitter should not override a person's human right to a life free of violence. Allowing Tweets to trend that normalize domestic violence should not be allowed. Twitter regulates trending topics and bans Tweets that contain obscenities or are regarded as spam. Tweets glorifying violence of any kind should be similarly prohibited.

If you feel the same as I do, I hope you'll consider signing the online petition to "Tell Twitter: Domestic Violence Is Not A Joke."

If you're interested in reading more about the intersection of domestic violence and technology, I highly recommend that you check out Dani's blog. As she details in her project proposal,

There are harmful risks such as stalking, spyware, and information sharing, and these may or may not be offset by the improvement of resources made available to allow individuals to get help. Technology has expanded the resources to help victims, but it has also allowed perpetrators to use technology to further their abuse.

Thank you, Dani, for writing about this important topic and bringing this issue to our attention. As someone who has worked with domestic violence victims in the past, you've inspired me to think about what more I can do in the future.

The New Normal

Thank you to everyone for the outpouring of support over the past week!!!

I'm recouping well from my double mastectomies, and I'm thrilled to report that the surgery was infinitely easier on my body than chemotherapy. (Excuse me while I knock on wood in the hopes that my recuperation will continue as such.)

Earlier this month, I did a series of videos for BreastCancerAnswers.com. This video addresses how to process your emotions after being diagnosed with an illness such as breast cancer.

Do you have any advice to share with others?

Play a Simple Melody

what i want to do is write, with my face very close to the page, carefully carving out the lines that will tell you what i’m discovering. and then i want to sing you those lines. the ones that fell out of my pen when i tried to do something academic. so here it is. jumbled but honest, just the same.

about a year ago i discovered the internet. well, i knew about the internet. aim turned into msn turned into yahoo and askjeeves and google to myspace to facebook to gmail to youtube to youporn to hulu. i knew about the world wide web. but a year ago, when i was lost in a mess of my own sexuality and dependency and confused, emotional, political, gray space, i started a blog. on tumblr. an extremely quiet blog without my name or my photo and rarely an original thought. and then i slowly began to make my way into the queerest, most liberating, strange space i had ever known. i spent hours a day, scrolling through photos of outfits and landscapes, tent forts and tattoos and fancy cappuccinos. and videos of people’s girlfriends and boyfriends and boifriends and grrrlfriends and kittens and questions and do it yourself beanbag instructions and kitchen herb gardens and hormone updates and advice on everything under the sun. and there was humor and pain and people wrote about their feelings and their breakups and i wrote about my feelings and my breakup. and there was gender. and sexuality. and so. much. fucking. gender. more than i had ever seen. there were boys and women and girls, men, butches, femmes, bears, twinks, androgynes, genderqueer and genderfucked and genderfluid, mtf, ftm, mtftm, ftmtwtf, transmen, transwomen, transfags and dykes and queers and birls and fairies and bdsm and softbutchgrrlylesbois and gays and bis and trans* folks and polyamorous, pansexual, transsexual, omnisexual, demisexual, asexual, all sexual porn. and stories and pictures and names and pronouns and questions and answers and everything in between the certain and the totally fucking uncertain. and it was all right there. on my computer. on tumblr. on youtube. right there behind my screen. and i was on the outside—safely out of reach. safely anonymous, safely in denial, dangerously curious. they inspired me. they confused me. they lit up a sexy little fire in the pit of my stomach that i called…intellectual curiosity. academic interest. research. that’s valid. that’s understandable. that’s safe. something i would later come to realize was kinship. a very painful perfect, deep—rooted secret connection. i had found the frayed end of a rope and i wanted to follow it. but it took me a while to figure out that the anchor on the other end was me.

***

This post was written by one of my Sexuality and Social Media students, Maggie Campbell. The beauty of her words inspire me.

For her class project, Maggie explored the following:

What meanings do trans* and genderqueer folks find in online communities? How is social identity formed through collective association with content? Communities created on sites like Tumblr and Youtube operate within frames that determine aspects of reality for the individual and the group. My guess is that these communities provide folks the opportunity to share knowledge and experiences, create solidarity, access sexual images that reflect their bodies and identities, and explore gender fluidity.

The way I see it, the possibilities for expression of gender and sexual identities in the context of queer online space are expanded far beyond that of performance in public, or even private, offline space—an already transformative and dynamic experience is now situated within an equally malleable platform.

Join me in finding out what Maggie discovered on WordPress and Tumblr. You can also follow her on Twitter. I don't know where the future will take Maggie after she graduates, but as a card-carrying member of her fan club, I can't wait to find out!

Trying to Exhale

The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin

I write because I love doing so. I write to process my feelings. I write to make others laugh, cringe or think. I write to educate. And, thanks to the reach of the blogosphere, I write as a way to communicate with friends from all stages of my life and receive support from others.

The compassion and strength you all showed in your comments last week meant so much to me. Processing the emotions surrounding my upcoming mastectomies isn’t linear. Most times, I’m comfortable with my decision, and my emotions are calm. Other times, though, I’m edgy, angry and sad. I wrote last week’s post about my surgery when all those emotions were coming to a head. You got that and were able to offer support without judgment or platitudes. Thank you!

In my pre-op appointment with the reconstructive surgeon last week, she informed me that she won’t be taking my back muscle and tissue during this surgery. That’s very good news! I’ll be out of the hospital in a night or two. I hopefully will be able to sleep on my back, and I won’t need as much physical therapy. (There’s a slight chance that the surgeon might need to take from my back muscle during reconstruction, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.)

Over the past two weeks, I’ve lined up care from home nurses, dog walkers and friends. Given my health history, I can’t predict how my body will react after surgery, but I can take control of certain elements. (For those of you who might be wondering, my best friend will be with me at the hospital, but The Man insisted on joining us. Yes, he's a good guy.)

I’m sure I’ll be writing more about surgery in the coming week, but for now, I’m able to focus on my blessings. I keep reminding myself of the reasons why this is the recommended course of action for me. I close my eyes, exhale and think of myself a few years from now, hugging my daughter with my long ponytail blowing in the breeze.

Why do you write?

How do you define cheating?

What constitutes cheating?

That question might seem like a simple one, but in reality, the issue is far more complex.

Is an emotional affair cheating? A kiss? Flirtations via text or email that never amount to any in-person interaction?

The answers to these questions are subjective. If you’re in a relationship, especially in the age of social media, it’s worth communicating with your partner to set ground rules. What are acceptable interactions with others, and what isn’t? How do you both define cheating and unfaithful behavior?

Brittany Horowitz, one of my Sexuality and Social Media students, has been exploring whether social media and the Internet has changed how people define infidelity. She writes in this post about anonymity:

With the Internet being used as an outlet for sexual activity, it is interesting to look at the behavior taking place and decide if it can be considered infidelity. With cybersex, actual sexual behavior is not taking place in person. People are not physically touching one another, rather they are describing sexual acts to one another. However, some might argue that cybersex and other sexual behavior online can be considered detrimental to a relationship because it can qualify as emotional infidelity.

She also cites a study regarding online infidelity, in which authors Henline, Lamke and Howard state:

“Participants in this study included chatting with random people, keeping secrets from your partner, showing yourself to the online contact, and betraying the confidence of your partner in their descriptions of what should be considered unfaithful behaviors in a committed relationship” (123).

I was surprised to read that infidelity is no longer the number one cause for divorce. Why do people stay after one partner’s unfaithful behavior has been exposed?

According to Jill Brooke, people stay because of “[a] fear of loneliness. A fear of change. A dread of dismantling a family that you spent a lifetime constructing and having your children ping pong between two residences during holidays. There’s also a comfort in the rhythm of family life, the carpooling, the grocery shopping for more than one, the weekday nights eating at the oak table with your old wedding china.”

Read more of Brittany’s findings on the subject here.

How do you define cheating? Would you stay – or have you stayed — if a partner cheated on you?