Stef Woods

When sex hurts

Two friends recently approached me with almost identical questions about what to do when sex is painful:

I have endometriosis and having sex hurts. I don't even really like having sex because it's so painful, but I try to do so every now and then. If I don't keep my husband happy, I worry that he'll go out and cheat on me. Do you have any suggestions for me, City Girl?

First of all, know that you are not alone! A study by Brigham and Women's Hospital reveals that 16% of women experience chronic pain from intercourse. 16%! The causes might vary, but if you have severe pelvic pain, then even the thought of sex might make you cringe with discomfort.

Now, as you probably know already, I'm not a health care professional or certified sex educator. (I'm a lawyer, which might explain why I love disclaimers.) Painful sex is a medical problem so I strongly suggest that you talk about this with your doctor! You can broach this question to your gynecologist, primary care physician or endocrinologist. You don't have to get into a lot of detail about your situation — just enough to get the point across. Simply explain to your doctor that you experience pain during intercourse because of whatever reason (if you know what that reason is) and wondered what he or she recommended.

No matter your religion, culture or upbringing, remind yourself that sex is not a dirty word. Also remember that you are not asking your doctor anything that he or she hasn't been asked before. And, finally, if your doctor is not someone with whom you feel comfortable talking about your body, then get another doctor! Every patient needs to be his or her own advocate, and finding a health care provider who is approachable and has a good bedside manner is your right!

If you are experiencing endometriosis or a condition that causes pelvic pain, also check with your doctor to see if you are medically-cleared to have sex. And, be specific. My doctor still laughs about the fact that when I was told I couldn't have sex for four weeks after surgery, I asked the following,

"Vaginal? Oral? Anal? What about fingers? Can I orgasm clitorally? Play with toys?"

As memorable as that interrogation was, my doctor answered every single question. I waited the time I needed to heal and was given the clearance to do everything I wanted in four weeks. If getting that specific with your doctor is too embarrassing for you, then it's okay to write your questions down and present your doctor with the list.

It's also important to speak up with your partner. No one who cares about you would want you to be in pain. Period. (If you question that for a minute, try reversing the situation to assuage your fears.) It's okay to say, "Ouch!" or "Oww!" or "Can we switch positions?" You can even bring up the topic when you aren't having sex to let your significant other know that you find certain things uncomfortable or what he can do to make the experience less painful for you.

Other ideas to make sex more pleasurable for both of you:

1. Take a pain reliever an hour before you will be having sex. If you aren't on a prescription pain medicine, then two Advil or Motrin should work. Try to stop the pain before it reaches its peak;

2. Have your man get you off once before he enters you. Make sure that your muscles are as relaxed as possible;

3. Figure out which positions and what pace are most comfortable for you. And speak up when it hurts and especially when it feels good;

4. Try some mind over matter/biofeedback techniques. If you tell yourself, "this is going to hurt, but I have to do it or my husband will have an affair," then that doesn't put you in the best mindset to have sex. What if you try to be more self-affirming? Remind yourself that you are excited to be making love with your husband. Try to retrain your thoughts to focus on the pleasure, rather than the pain;

5. Think out of the box. Literally! If vaginal sex is that painful, then mix it up. Perfect your skills at giving a blow job or a hand job. Give anal sex a try. Talk with your man as to what he enjoys or wants to explore. Find other ways to increase intimacy (notice I didn't write orgasms);

6. Plan on taking a bath after you have sex. If there's discomfort or any bleeding, you might find a bath to be soothing;

7. If you aren't going to a doctor about any of this, start! Depending on your level of pain, there might be medical or surgical options to make your situation better. If you are open to alternative or Eastern medicine, you might search for a good, licensed acupuncturist, Reiki master, or herbalist. If there are psychological issues coming into play that affect your views on or discomfort from sex, please talk to a therapist or social worker to help you process your feelings; and

8. For the guys, let your women know that you love them, want them to feel better, and aren't going to cheat on them when the sex isn't as great or as frequent as it once was. And then…stick to that!

Lube Job 2.0

As we travel down the road toward Lubrication River yet again, let's talk about two more issues regarding personal lubricants.

In Imerika's comment to my last post, she mentioned that some of her friends thought that K-Y's Warming Gel lubricant burned. The need or desire for lubrication is a personal one, but her words got me thinking…

If it's your first time purchasing lube, you don't have to go for the bells and whistles. Avoid the scented, flavored, tingling lubricants, and just try plain old lube. As I mentioned in the last post, Better Sex Essentials wins with respect to how it feels, how long it lasts and how much it costs. But, K-Y liquid and Astroglide are basic lubricants. Safe or boring might not work in some arenas, but when it comes to lube, don't view basic as a bad thing.

If you are ready to explore scented, flavored or tingling/warming lubrications, go for it! Just remember to apply sparingly at first. You can always add more lube later, but if you put too much on too quickly, it might cause discomfort or a burning sensation. Some women can also develop a reaction or irritation to scented or flavored lubricants so less is more.

Communication and listening to your body also play a role in experimenting with lube. If anything feels uncomfortable, stings or is painful, stop immediately! Get up and rinse the product off of you. Don't feel embarrassed in the slightest. If anything, you can turn it into something fun,

"I don't like this lube. Let's go in the shower so we can rinse off before I [blow you, fuck you, bring you back to the bedroom, etc.]."

With respect to lubes for anal sex, lubrication is critical to the process so explore what's out there as your man explores what's in there. Experiment to see which one is most comfortable for you and which is most pleasurable for you and your partner. I also encourage you to read online reviews or ask for input at your neighborhood sex shop. We all naturally have our own preferences so it can help to get more information at the beginning to make the most informed decision.

Water-Based: If you are looking for a lighter, natural lubricant that also has the advantage of being condom-safe, then stick with water-based. K-Y works, but it might make more sense to invest in a better-quality lubricant that lasts longer and is more cost-effective. Better Sex Essentials fits this bill. You may have to reapply depending on how long you are having sex, but you or your partner can do that with more lube or a few drops of water.

If you'd like something that's a little thicker, but still water-based, go for ForPlay Gel or Sex Grease. ForPlay feels more natural, but Sex Grease last longer. Different strokes…

Any of these brands are odorless and non-staining. There's no need for the whole world (or a family member or cleaning woman) to know that you are using a lubricant.

Petroleum-Based: These lubricants feel less natural, which makes for a more intense experience. That can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your perspective and your comfort with anal sex. If you are a newbie to back door lovin', then you might want to avoid petroleum products for a while. Petroleum is oil-based and heightens the sensations more than water-based so be prepared for the kind of sex that you feel from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes. Petroleum lube may bring such intensity that the sex becomes painful. If that's the case, speak up and stop! Or, petroleum lubricants might make the experience more erotic. If that's the case, speak up and continue!

Doc Johnson's Anal Lube is a big seller in the petroleum arena. The pump dispenser is convenient, and you get a lot of bang for your buck. Keep in mind that petroleum lubricants are not condom-safe.

Silicone-Based: Silicone-based lubricants are thicker than water-based, but not as thick as petroleum-based. They last longer than water-based lubricants so there's less of a need to reapply during sex, but they are greasier/slicker. Sensations are a little more vivid than water lubes, but less intense than petroleum. Apparently, they are the best for sensitive skin and cause the least irritation of all types of lubricants. And, they are condom-safe.

Wet Platinum and Swiss Navy are popular brands. According to the saleswoman at The Pleasure Place, there isn't a difference in the ingredients in silicone lube. People tend to make purchases based on packaging, size and cost. Swiss Navy beats out the other brands for its smooth consistency and convenient pump dispenser. It's all about trial and error, though, to find what's most pleasurable and comfortable for you and your partner.

If price is an issue, sex shops typically charge $5-$10 more per bottle of lubricant than online drug or specialty shops. Happy Shopping!

Lube Job

So, I'm not a medical professional, but I am a sex blogger who is comfortable talking to her friends about sex and writing about it for a larger audience. Over the past few months, the topic of lube has come up on several occasions. With the disclaimer that I'm no lube-ologist, here are some musings about using lubrication:

1. The majority of my female friends and readers are in their mid-20s to early 40s. There's a thought that only menopausal women (and not those in our demographic) need lubricant. But, women in our age groups might need a little help getting wet in times of stress, when they are on medication, or after giving birth. I think there's a misperception that a need for lube means that your pussy has dried up or that there's something wrong. Let's try to reframe that, shall we?

If you are too dry south of the border, then sex isn't fun (or easy) for either you or your partner. But, that doesn't mean you need to stress over it. Treat it the way that you would if you and your guy are getting ready to have sex and his cock isn't cooperating.

Getting the attention you deserve often requires communication. Ask your man to touch you or go down on you. Suggest breaking out a small toy. Or, start jerking him off as you touch yourself. If none of those methods are doing the trick, break out a bottle of lube.

Now, you don't need to make a big production out of it. (A guy doesn't tend to show disappointment if he can't get hard right away or if he cums too quickly or takes too long to cum.) No apologizes or excuses. Just get some lube, look your man in the eye and say,

"I just want to make sure things are nice and wet."

Paraphrase as you will, but there's a way to be honest and still be sexy.

If you are a guy, don't look down on a woman bringing lube into the mix. The need for added lubrication is physiological, not a reflection of your skill or lack thereof at turning her on. The goal here is to make you both as ready for sex as possible. If a little extra lube can get her there, that shouldn't be viewed as a bad thing!

2. What lube should you choose? If you are just looking for some added lubrication, go for a water-based lubricant. A water-based lube is condom-safe, silky smooth and closest to a woman's own juices. K-Y is the most popular brand and easiest to purchase because you can get it at any drugstore or grocery store.

But, Better Sex Essentials Liquid Lubricant beats other brands hands-down. It's not as sticky as K-Y or similar drugstore brands, and you get much more bang for your buck since a huge bottle is $12.95. Better Sex also doesn't feel as thick as most lubricants, which can provide a more natural sensation.

3. What about the new K-Y Yours+Mine products?

Last year, K-Y introduced a set of lubricants. One bottle is designed for men, and the other bottle for women. When you combine the two products, there's supposed to be a warming sensation that brings maximum pleasure for both parties. Now, these products can help a woman get wet and a man hard, but they also work if a couple is already excited.

Three couples in my group tried the products with three different results. (That serves as yet another reminder that what might be right for you may not be right for some. And, yes, I just quoted the theme song from "Diff'rent Strokes" in a sex blog post.)

Couple #1: He liked it, but she loved it. A lot. She found sex to be even more pleasurable so she and her partner kept using it. And using it. She used it so much that she developed a bit of a reaction to the product. The bottles are currently collecting dust in her bathroom closet.

Couple #2: He liked it, but she was too sensitive for it. She is able to have multiple orgasms, and the added sensation caused her clit to throb before his cock was even near her pussy. He put his hand on her clit without moving her fingers, and she came. The product heightened the experience so much so that it was distraction from the actual act. Two minutes later, she washed the product off of her. She gave the bottles to her friend.

Couple #3: She liked it, and he loved it. They experienced the warming sensation on the first try and continue to use the products on a regular basis. They enjoy the Yours+Mine set so much that they should be spokespeople for K-Y!

He’s great on paper, but…

July 2009

I was still on a high from meeting JAG Man. We had a lot in common, and we were both in similar places in our lives.

We met on a Thursday, and he asked me out for the following evening. (He won points for not playing the "wait three days" game. I was never one for those dating rules.) JAG Man invited me out for a dog walk and coffee. I was looking forward to that, but my sick pooch put a wrench in those plans. I figured that JAG Man would suggest that we grab coffee without my dog, but he surprised me by asking if I wanted to have dinner…at Westend Bistro by Eric Ripert. The wanna-be foodie in me gave him extra points for that wonderful suggestion.

I thoroughly enjoyed our dinner, but I liked JAG Man's company even more than the food. He's incredibly intelligent, and I felt inspired by his accomplishments. He also has a kind heart, and his face lit up when he talked about spending time with his nieces.

After dinner, we walked back to my place. I invited JAG Man inside, and he helped me prepare sangria for my Girls' Night the following evening. I kept waiting for him to try to make a move, but he never did. Three hours later, he said that he needed to leave before he "lost control." I wasn't sure if that would have been a good thing or a bad thing, but I respected the fact that he wanted to take his time getting to know each other. (I had jumped into bed way too soon with far too many guys. At this stage of my life, though, I was interested in a relationship, not just casual sex.)

JAG Man and I made plans to see each other on Sunday night. I had so many leftovers from my party that we just had dinner at my place. After we ate, we sat on my balcony and talked for a couple of hours. When we went back inside my apartment, he moved toward me and kissed me. Really kissed me.

His lips and tongue felt perfect against mine. He kissed with just the right blend of softness and strength. We stayed on the couch and made out for two hours like we were in high school. I was wet, and he was hard, but neither of us talked about sex. I had a feeling that there would be time for that in the future.

As JAG Man was leaving, I realized that I had a little crush on him. I hadn't had a crush on a guy in a very long time, and it felt good. A half-hour later, JAG Man called to let me know that he had gotten home okay.

JAG Man: I had a great time tonight.

Me: So did I.

JAG Man: I wanted to let you know that I'm not really sure what I'm looking for right now.I don't know where I see this going.

Me: Well, we're just getting to know each other so we don't need to talk about that yet, do we?

JAG Man: Well, I broke up with my ex-girlfriend two years ago, and that was really hard. I'm still processing my feelings. Since she and I broke up, I have a tendency to fall really fast for girls and then, when we start to get close, I stop calling them.

Me: [Holy Shit! Where is this even coming from? We just met three days ago! We barely know each other. Plus, who throws out all his issues on the second date?] So…are you telling me this because you want me to stop you if you do that with me or because you just want me to know why you won't be calling me back down the road?

JAG Man: The latter.

Me: [Long pause.] Okay. [Another pause.] It just seems a bit odd to bring this all up now.

JAG Man: Well, I dated a girl earlier this year, and when she confronted me as to why I became distant, I told her that I wasn't ready for anything serious. She had said that she wished she knew that from the beginning, and I didn't want to make the same mistake with you.

Me: Okay. Thanks then.

He and talked for another half hour or so about other topics, but in the back of my head, I kept wondering…

Was Mr. Great on Paper really not that great when it came to relationships?

Great on paper

Summer 2009

JAG Man sightings during the month of June made for some interesting dog walks around my neighborhood. JAG Man always warranted a look back and a smile from me. (There are those girls who never show interest or flirt with a guy before he shows interest in them. But, that "playing coy" thing has – thankfully — never been my style.)

JAG Man's suits and shirts looked as though they were custom-made. His color palette proved that a real man can wear lavender and pink. And, his face and body were also easy on the eyes. Imagine a man who is 6'1" with a soccer player body and a dark black complexion.

JAG Man never was outside sans papers and a red pen in his hand. I would have put money on the fact that he was a lawyer working for one of the firms near my condo.

There was only one thing that I found strange regarding my initial impression of JAG Man. He never smiled back at me. He wasn't wearing a wedding band, and he didn't pique my fairly accurate gaydar. Maybe he had a girlfriend? Or he wasn't attracted to white women? Or he only approached women dressed professionally? I was a tad perplexed since I'm used to at least getting some reaction from a guy when I smile at him. (I'm not writing that to be arrogant, but at 5'10" with long red hair and very fair skin, I don't exactly blend in a crowd.)

In late June, I was walking my dog and saw JAG Man at the end of the block. I smiled at him per usual, and he nodded with closed lips. In comparison to our previous interactions, that seemed like progress! A few minutes later, he walked toward me and stopped right in front of me. Then, he reached for his phone and abruptly turned around. Man, this guy was one step forward and one step back! Later that evening, I saw JAG Man walking with a woman. I couldn't tell if they were together or not, but I decided to err on the side of caution that she might be his girlfriend.

I hadn't seen JAG Man for a couple of weeks when I ran into him again on July 16th. He was outside of his office building, editing a document. I found it odd that he was still wearing his suit, shirt and tie at 6:30pm, especially considering that it was 90 degrees with 80% humidity. As my dog was sniffing the newly planted mulch, I caught JAG Man's eye as he looked up and said,

"I give you credit for keeping your jacket on in this weather."

"Well," he replied, "I hadn't even thought about taking it off since I'm going back into the office in a few minutes."

A few minutes turned into almost an hour, as we stood outside of his office and talked. I realized within short order that JAG Man was more shy than aloof. Early on in the conversation, he brought up the fact that he had wanted to approach me before, but was always in a rush. He even talked about the night that he almost came up to me. Apparently, he had wanted to say hello to me, but was distracted waiting for his friend (not girlfriend!) from college.

The more we talked, the more it became very obvious that we had a lot in common. We both:

*Had lived overseas as teenagers and loved languages;
*Were lawyers and went back to school for our master's degrees;
*Were active with charities;
*Valued our faith;
*Rooted for the NY Giants despite the fact that we both had resided in DC since the mid-1990s. (NFC East rivalries are hardcore.)

JAG Man was only two years older than me, but he was so professionally accomplished that you would have thought he was in his 50s. He was regularly interviewed on television news shows, served on nonprofit boards and legal committees, and was the national president of his fraternity's alumni chapter. There is good on paper, and there is great on paper. He was clearly the latter!

"It was wonderful to talk with you. I hope that we can do it again soon. Please e-mail me when you get back upstairs," JAG Man told me as his handed me his card.

I took his card, and we hugged goodbye. I walked back inside my building with a little extra spring in my step and a huge smile on my face. I wanted to e-mail him right away, but I figured that I would exhibit some restraint…and wait two hours ;).

It’s always sunny with Philly Matt

June 2005

I left NYC a day early to stop off in Philadelphia to go out with Philly Matt. We hadn't seen each other since my Girls' Weekend in Philadelphia in late April. I got off the train and took the escalator up to the main level of the station. There Matt was…looking as fine as ever in his jean jacket and French Connection t-shirt. We gave each other a long, close hug, and I sighed to myself. It felt good to (finally) choose a nice guy!

Philly Matt had less than 24 hours to plan our date, but he still put some thought into it. We drove off to a restaurant in Olde City. There was a fireplace inside with a lot of warm wood and European beers on tap. The restaurant was casual, but romantic. We grabbed a drink at the bar, while we waited for a table. He turned to me and said,

"It's already 8. I'm happy to bring you back to the station after dinner so you can get a train back to DC tonight. But, on the chance that you wanted to stay over, I reserved a room for you at the Westin. I don't mean to be presumptuous, and I'm happy to go home tonight or sleep on the couch in the hotel room. I just wanted to spend as much time with you as I could, and I didn't want to worry about you on the train at midnight."

I looked at him and smiled, "That was really thoughtful, Matt. I would love to stay over. I'm sure the couch will work, too."

In less than an hour, Philly Matt had exhibited several qualities that I wasn't used to seeing in the guy that I was dating. (Thoughtful and communicative guys might be the norm for some girls, but not me.) I could tell that I was ready for a nicer guy because his comments and actions didn't scare me off in the slightest.

Matt sat at the bar for over an hour, talking about his children, my job and how we met. When we finally got to a table, I realized that I hadn't stopped smiling since he picked me up from the station. Philly Matt made me laugh and feel safe all at the same time.

I could tell that I liked him when I showed him my dorky side. He excused himself to go to the bathroom, and I took one of my business cards out of my purse and wrote a little note on the back about how fine he was. When he returned to our table, he saw the card on his chair, read it and laughed out loud.

After dinner, we went over to Club 27 where we met. We danced a bit. And, then, that part of me that can over-think relationships with men kicked into gear. For over two years, my world revolved around Basketball Boy. Even when I was seeing other guys, I just viewed them as temporary companionship and would drop everything for Basketball Boy. Now, I was looking at Philly Matt and only thinking about him. Did he have boyfriend potential?

We didn't stay long at the club since it was packed. We headed back to the Westin, and I set some ground rules: I didn't want to do anything south of the border. If he was okay with that, I was fine with him sleeping in the bed with me.

Philly Matt wasn't just fine with that, but he thought that it was smart to take things slow and get to know each other. Wow! Now, that was refreshing!

Our time together in the hotel room reminded me of the second night that we spent together in April. His mouth was so warm. His tongue was engaging and passionate without being sloppy. When he kissed me, I felt weak in the knees – no matter whether we were standing up or lying down.

In the morning, we woke up and just picked up where we left off. We made out for over an hour like we were in high school. At noon, he realized that he didn't know when checkout time was. He picked up the phone and called the front desk.

"Yes, I was wondering what time checkout is? [Pause.] Noon, huh? [Pause.] As in, right now? [Pause. He laughs.] Well, would it be possible to have a later checkout? [Pause.] Thank you!"

We had another two hours. Oh, in case you're wondering how we spent that time, we used 15 minutes to get ready and the rest of the time to kiss each other some more. I know that we had brunch afterward, but couldn't tell you where or what we talked about. I just remember boarding the train that afternoon to DC and thinking that I would be spending much more time in Philadelphia. *Sigh*

What’s good for the goose…

This afternoon, I posted the following Tweet: Thinking about double standards between men and women. Would I have to blog about relationships and sex anonymously if I was a guy? (To clarify, I'm assuming that the guy in this scenario is straight since the issue of sexual orientation would add another huge obstacle to the equation.)

Since I attended the DC Twestival last week, I've been thinking a lot about this. I don't know if I can be a selectively-anonymous sex blogger, but I'm going to try. The majority of my friends on Facebook have known about my blog since its inception. If I meet people who I think would enjoy my posts, I openly share my blog link with them. Most of my ex-boyfriends also know about this site.

However, I have kept my name and face off of my blog so that I have some control over who finds out about my relationship history. My hesitancy to reveal my identity to every reader stems from the fact that I don't want to be judged about my sexual proclivities in the workplace.

There are a lot of lawyers out there who dislike the profession in general or their jobs in particular. I just don't happen to be one of them. I've wanted to be an attorney since I was 14-years-old and love the law! But, I fear that as a female attorney in a conservative city like DC that I'm not allowed to openly love sex, too!

With respect to my career and the blog, I feel like a male attorney could joke about his dating escapades after work with his colleagues over cigars at Morton's without serious repercussions. I'm not intimating that there wouldn't be any professional ramifications if a man's sex blog became public, but I doubt that a guy would receive much more than a scolding:

Might not want to talk about your personal life around the office, Mike. Some of the ladies might not understand. [Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.]

When I finish my master's program in a few months and return to practicing law, I don't think that I'll be afforded the same freedoms as my male counterparts. My blog and my sexuality will have to be kept a secret from my co-workers. I'm not suggesting that an office is the appropriate place to engage in sexual banter. But, there is still a double standard when it comes to sex and the sexes, and that angers me on so many levels.

In all but one office where I've worked, senior male employees have made inappropriate comments about my body. I've learned to stand up for myself, but I know that I couldn't make similar comments about how a male partner's suit hugs his curves just so. I also couldn't be taken as seriously if my colleagues knew that I was City Girl. (I could write several more paragraphs about Puritanical values, what men can get away with in the workplace versus women, and how I expect more out of our society in 2009, but I'll spare you.)

So, what's your opinion to my original question? Do you agree or disagree that a man can blog more easily about sex and relationships than a woman?

I'm going to continue to do my best to be "selectively out" as a sex blogger. Only time will tell if that one foot in and one foot out approach will work.

Can a threesome help you reconnect?

In response to my posts on reconnecting with your partner, one of my friends suggested the option of "trying a threesome." I think a threesome might not make sense if the ultimate goal is to get closer with your significant other, but I appreciate that there are different strokes for different folks (pun intended). A few thoughts, for what they're worth:

1. For a straight couple, a threesome tends to be a fantasy for the guy and not the girl. If your girl is bisexual or truly comfortable with exploring her sexuality, then bringing another woman into the bedroom might be a fun activity to raise the sexual bar in your relationship. But, I would do a lot of communication before to ensure that there aren't a slew of problems afterward.

Is your girl really as into this as you are? Make sure that she is not just doing this to please you, and let her know that you will not leave her or cheat on her if she doesn't feel comfortable with having a threesome.

If she is genuinely open to this, what are her ground rules? Be specific. What can you do to the other woman? What can the other woman do to her? If any participant wants to stop, what is the "out" word or phrase? ("I don't feel comfortable with this" should get the point across, but it's okay to use a code word if that makes you feel better.) Will the other two people respect the third person's wishes and walk out of the bedroom?

Is it better to pull in a female friend of hers or someone that neither of you know? That's very couple specific. If you have a threesome with someone you are close to, there are pros and cons. On the one hand, everyone might feel more inclined to relax around each other because of the shared history. On the other, you all might feel more awkward or nervous since you know this girl — either at the time or after the fact.

If you ask someone you don't know that well to join you in a threesome, how or where will you meet such a willing participant? Can you trust that she will respect the ground rules? Will you ask her about her health history beforehand or not? Will all of you feel relaxed enough around each other?

Where will this go down? Is a hotel more discreet than your home? Is it better not to have this happen in the bedroom you share with your partner? Or, do you prefer to have home field advantage?

2. Conduct a cost/benefit analysis in advance! I recommend talking with your partner beforehand about the goals of this evening. Are there other, better ways to reconnect with each other? Could you go to a strip club together and then go back to your bedroom? Bring a porno movie or toy into the mix? Take a class together with a sex educator? Go to a resort for couples? Are there other fantasies that you both have that could be fulfilled?

My concern with a threesome is that once you go there, you can't unring that bell. If it doesn't work for any reason at all, what will happen to your relationship? Is it worth losing your partner?

So, the moral of this post: proceed with caution! I'm not saying that a threesome isn't a way to reconnect with your partner, but I would make sure that the benefits clearly outweigh the risks and that everyone is on the same page!

Reconnecting with your partner

Two months ago, my friend and I were at Founding Farmers when she asked me for some sex advice. Her dilemma:

I come home from a long day at work and don't have the energy to pretend that I'm a porn star. I'm tired. I have to take care of dinner, clean the house, feed and play with our baby girl, and then get her ready for bed. I want to spice our relationship up, but most times, I'm just having sex so my husband is satisfied. Even then, I spend a lot of the act thinking about how much I have to do around the house afterward. And, just once I would love to come home and have him put our child to bed and have a bath ready for me!

***

I've heard this from quite a few of my friends in their 30s and 40s. Everyone's schedules are so hectic that it leaves little time and energy for sexy time. Some of that is to be expected. Marriage changes the relationship dynamic. Working in more senior positions or trying to keep a job in a bad economy compounds the stresses. Having children places huge time constraints on a relationship. What's a couple to do?*

I gave my friend a few suggestions and thought I would share those with you all. From my perspective as an outsider and friend, the goal here is to make both parties happy, while respecting the fact that time is at a premium. My friend wants romance and intimacy. Her husband wants to get laid. I think that both of them can get what they want!

I recommended that they find one hour a week to reconnect. Just one! Even if a week is especially hectic, family is visiting, or one person is sick, one hour is doable (pun intended).

For the first week, I mentioned that my friend should let her husband set the itinerary. A few days before the "Rendezvous," he should send her an e-mail, text or note with what he would like to happen. (Keep in mind, though, that there should be some ground rules about what would be an acceptable way to spend the hour. If you've never introduced anal, porn or another girl into the mix, now is not the time to do so. Work within realistic and comfortable realms.)

The purpose of the e-mail/text/note is to get communication going about sex and romance…to get both parties excited about their upcoming time together…to make the guy think more about what the woman wants and vice-versa. The ultimate goal is to bring the couple closer!

For the second week, the woman sets the agenda with the same rules. I told my friend that if what she wants is to have a bubble bath and a bottle of wine, then that could be her hour right there! There's a time and place for sex that's down and dirty, but there's also a place for romance.

I suggested alternating that mode for several weeks. If it helps to book a babysitter in advance, do so. Also, try not to pick the last possible hour in the week to reconnect. That way if there's an emergency, you will be able to reschedule. Remember that it's just one hour and that you deserve (if not, need) the quality time as a couple!

If that's worked for a month, then try planning how to spend an hour together. That involves communication, which is one of the keys to any healthy relationship. Maybe make a plan to try something new as a couple? You don't need to go buck wild, but get out of your comfort zone or your routine a bit. A new position, a new place, a toy, a sex book or a porno flick…anything will do.

Or, write a few of your ideas for how to spend the hour down and ask your partner to do the same. Put those pieces of paper in a box/bowl and then pick one piece of paper out and focus on that activity for your hour.

If one hour works with your hectic schedules, then add a second hour. You don't need to reinvent the wheel of your default relationship mode or try to spend five hours a week in bed together (unless you want to, that is). But, it's worth it for you both to find ways to reconnect on a romantic and sexual level.

Think of this like an exercise program or diet plan for your relationship. If you lose 10 pounds in a week, such rapid weight loss is tough to maintain. Likewise, most of the couples that I know don't have the time or energy to spend hours upon hours in the bedroom. Pick a realistic way to spice things up a bit! And, remember that small changes will have long-term benefits!

*I realize that this post caters to breeders or power couples, but I wanted to answer my friend's question first.

Next Post: Tips for any couple to spice things up (regardless of time, age, stage, marital status or whether there's a kid in the next room). I'll also throw in a few ideas for those women who don't particularly enjoy sex and some reminders for my female readers to embrace their bodies — whatever size and shape they are.

xoxo

There’s something about Philly Matt

April 2005

Our second evening in Philadelphia found us at dining at Tangerine and grabbing drinks at Lucy's. I wanted to go to Club 27 to see Philly Matt again, but I deferred to the Birthday Girl, Nizzle, as to her wishes for the evening. (I could always pop into the club to give Matt my number on our way to the next bar, right?)

As the clock hit 1:00am, we finally headed over to Club 27. The security manager at the door recognized us, and within a few minutes, Philly Matt was at the door. He hugged us all hello and escorted us upstairs. There was the usual dancing and drinking, and by the time the club closed, my friends were three Drunky Brewsters!

The plan was for my group to grab drinks or pizza with Philly Matt and his friend, Grant, after they were done with work. When the club cleared out, all of us relaxed in one of the front rooms.

"I need to go home," Nizzle moaned, as she slumped down on the couch. Since the Birthday Girl had hit the wall, AP and Grant helped carry her the two blocks to her apartment.

While Barla talked with a club employee, Philly Matt and I sat in the corner, holding hands. He put his other hand on my face and turned my head toward him, planting the sweetest, softest kiss on my lips. (There were 15 other people in the room at the time and I had absolutely no idea what they were doing or saying.) When our mouths parted a few minutes later, I had a huge smile on my face and leaned back to rest my head on Matt's chest.

It was past 3am by the time the boys got paid. Barla and AP were craving pizza, but the closest place that was open at that hour was on the South Side of town. As we walked to Philly Matt's SUV, the girls chanted, "Pizza, pizza."

Five minutes later, there was something else on their minds, as the chants turned to "Pee pee, pee pee." Matt and Grant were true gentlemen, despite the fact that my friends acted like the girl version of Beavis and Butt-head. We arrived at the pizza place to find several guys taking off their jackets (no clue why) and shoving each other.

"Somebody's gonna get shot!" Barla exclaimed, as Matt ushered us quietly inside the pizzeria before anyone heard us.

Once inside, the girls were understandably disappointed that there were no public bathrooms inside. (Seriously! What kind of neighborhood is this?) They both wanted some pepperoni pizza, but a huge sign above the counter said:

Plain Pizza Only!

(Again…what kind of place is this?)

I tried my best to calmly explain to my friends that there was no pepperoni, until one of my girls screamed,

"Who do I have to blow to get some pepperoni around here?"

You could've heard a pin drop in that pizzeria, even though it was packed with patrons. One employee even stopped what he was doing to raise his hand. (Can't blame a guy for trying.) Matt kept us focused, though, moving us forward through the line to order our plain slices.

We downed the pizza in the car on the ride back to the hotel. When we got back to our room, the guys each took one of the chairs and I sat on the bed closest to them. Even though there was another bed, my friends proceeded to jump on me and pet my boobs. I laughed at their antics since it was hysterical, but I also tried to keep getting to know the guys. (Matt was incredibly nice, handsome and a great kisser. I wanted to know more!)

"How old are you guys?" I asked. Matt replied that he was 36, and Grant that he was 35.

"PIG!!! COCK!!!" AP exclaimed.

The guys just stared at her, as I tried to translate,

"What my inebriated Asian friend is trying to say is, 'How interesting Grant that you were born in the Year of the Pig, and you, Matt, were born in the Year of the Rooster! Chinese astrology is fascinating!'"

The guys and I continued talking as AP and Barla started to fall asleep. It turned out that Matt has two children.

"How old are they?" I inquired.

"6 and 10," he replied.

The girls awoke, and one of them screamed, "You have 10 kids???"

I clarified the situation for them and they closed their eyes again. (Note that they were still sleeping on top of my boobs at the time.)

The girls finally passed out for good, as I walked Matt and Grant to the elevator bay. Grant said goodbye to me, and I thanked him for taking such good care of my girls. He told Matt that he would meet him downstairs, which I later learned was code for "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

When Grant got in an elevator, Philly Matt kissed me again. For over two hours, we stood in the elevator bay, making out like we were in high school. Our kisses got more and more passionate, as he grabbed under my sweater and I put my hands between his jeans and briefes. You know those kisses that make a guy hard and a girl wet? This was one of those. On a scale of 1 to 10, his kisses were an 11!

Matt and I only came up for air when we heard the elevator stop or someone rolling their suitcase down the hall. We finally said goodbye at 6:30am(!), exchanging numbers and one last kiss.

I fell asleep with a smile on my face. That smile got bigger as I received a text from Philly Matt several hours later on the ride home:

It was wonderful spending time with you this weekend. I hope to see you soon, and I'll call you during the week.

I still loved Baseball Boy and was thrilled that he was moving back to DC, but there was something about Philly Matt. Hmm…

* I have worked with rape victims and don't intend this to be insensitive to the horrifying pain and sadness that they have endured. I merely mention this to support both how drunk my friends were and how cool Philly Matt is.

Next Posts: From a high to the lowest of lows with Baseball Boy.