I've written before about how to show support for a loved one experiencing a health crisis. It's important to acknowledge that this is a difficult time, listen to your loved one, and reach out with a card or email. But, what if you wish to play a more active role in the caregiving process? Here are a few of my suggestions:

1. No Pop Ins. If you’d like to visit a loved one who is dealing with a medical issue, call or text in advance. (Texting is preferable for those who use text messaging since most people have longer or louder rings for telephone calls.) This rule applies whether or not the person is in the hospital or at home.

There are times when your loved one will need and want company. However, there are other times when your loved one will not. Medication side effects, sleeping difficulties, doctors’ appointments, tests and the amount of people already scheduled to visit vary from day-to-day, if not hour-to-hour. If you wish to see the patient, give him or her the right of refusal, thereby ensuring that your visit is about the person who is ill, not you.

2. Check Yo’ Self: When a person is going through a major health issue, the crisis affects all the people in his or her life. You, as a loved one, are entitled to feel sad, angry, confused or any other emotion. You also might not be able to control the other problems in your own life that are impacting you at the same time that your loved one is dealing with a health crisis. Feel whatever you are feeling and process whatever you need to process.

However, try not to burden the loved one with your issues while he or she is fighting his or her own battles. Or, if you feel as though you need to share your emotions with your loved one, ask him or her before unloading. Talking about your problems might be a welcome diversion for your loved one, or it might overwhelm him or her. You won't know unless you ask.

3. Sincerity Counts: If you are willing to help a person in his or her time of need, let him or her know how to get in touch with you. Don’t assume that the person has your number or will have the time or energy to contact you via Facebook or a third party.

4. Specifics Matter: No one person can realistically be there 100% of the time for anyone else. We all have lives and responsibilities. But, if you want to show support for a loved one during a health crisis, think of what you can do.

Are you a night owl and could handle a late request? Do you and your friend both have children and you could help with car pool? Is your work schedule flexible and you could accompany your significant other to the hospital? Are you heading to the grocery store and could pick up a few things and bring them over to your aunt’s house? Are you technologically savvy and could easily install a computer program or new television and show your neighbor how to use it? Do you enjoy baking and could leave some food in front of your friend's dorm room?

Think of what works for you, your skills, your schedule. Then think about what your loved one needs and throw out a few specific suggestions. Your thoughtfulness will be appreciated!

5. Help or Company: When some people are experiencing a health crisis, they just want company. Having someone close to eat with, talk to or watch television is all that’s needed. This is often the case when the patient is staying in a medical facility.

Other people will be in need of actual help. Help might consist of rides to treatment, picking up medication from the pharmacy, getting mail, or assistance with pets or children. Are you more of a caregiver or a companion? There are benefits to both, and it might be useful to the person going through the medical issue to know what to expect in advance of your arrival.

Sometimes a patient might just want to talk, while other times, he or she might need actual help and find company draining. If you are more of a “companion,” try to be as self-sufficient as possible. Bring food and drinks with you or ask for permission to peruse your loved one’s kitchen so that he or she doesn’t need to keep getting up and down. Limit your visits to one hour, unless he or she requests for you to stay longer. If the patient is in the hospital, respect visiting hours and automatically excuse yourself when the doctors perform their rounds. Don't assume that your loved one wants you in the room for any discussions with his or her medical team.

If you are visiting from out-of-town, discuss the purpose of your visit and your loved one's needs in advance of your arrival. Do what you can to ensure that your trip goes well and that your loved one doesn't need to entertain you.

I'll be writing more about this topic, but I'd love to hear your thoughts about what I mentioned, what I missed, and what has worked for you and your loved ones. xoxo

He told her that he loved her, and she stared at him. Words escaped her, as her brow furrowed slightly and her eyes squinted in confusion.

She considered him a friend. Granted, he was a dear friend, a friend with whom she had been intimate. But, she had never viewed him as more than a friend.

He had been there for her through surgeries, chemotherapy, hemorrhaging, the range of emotions while on steroids, temporary amnesia, and menopause. He made her feel cared for and safe.

And, then, when she began radiation, he pulled away from her. He claimed that he was focused on work, but it crossed her mind that maybe it was more than that. She hadn't intentionally taken him for granted, but the fact that she had chosen other guys over him might have taken its toll.

As his heart began to close, her heart started to open.

Four months after he told her that he loved her, she said those words to him. He responded in a slightly-raised voice:

No, you don’t!

She assured him that she did, but he insisted that she just thought that she did. She apologized for the mistakes she had made. She acknowledged that everything about the past year had been intense, and that she hadn't acted with a lot of clarity and respect where he was concerned. She explained to him how she knew that she had fallen in love with him. But, that wasn’t enough to convince him.

He compared their relationship to her “relationship” with his best friend.

“But you and I are nothing like he and I were,” she implored him.

Before they fell asleep, as they held each other close, she shared:

I had wanted to fall for him, but I didn’t. And, I didn’t want to fall for you, but I did.

He kissed her. When her closest relative had to go through major surgery, he was there for her. And, when her doctor told her that there was a 50% chance that her cancer had returned, he was there for her again.

There were moments when she wondered if this — they — could work. But, at the end of the day, he wants to move overseas, and she wants to stay in DC. She would like to start a family, and although she assumes that he doesn’t, she’s never asked him.

A few mutual friends commented that they envision the two of them together. She sighed and responded:

I love him. And, I would love to be with him until he moves overseas or I adopt. But, I'm ready for something stable and exclusive, and he wants to focus on his career and have the freedom to sleep with other people. And, I honestly don’t know that I see us being partners or anything in the long-term. Maybe down the road? Or, maybe, this was our journey together. [She pauses.] Years from now, when he’s back in DC and I see him on the street, I’ll approach him with a big smile and a long hug and say, 'Thank you for making the toughest year of my life much, much easier.' And, when we part, I’ll think to myself that he will always hold a special place in my heart.

Sometimes love is that simple…and that complicated.

A friend was told that she has Parkinson’s Disease. A co-worker just learned that he has cancer. Your old college roommate had a stillbirth.

How can you show your support for those people that you care about?

Here are my recommendations:

1. Something is always better than nothing. In this technological age, there are numerous options to demonstrate concern in a manner that’s easy and free. Sending your thoughts through an email, a comment on Facebook, a text message or a Tweet can go a long way. Your message doesn’t need to be long, just sincere.

Good options include: a) I’m thinking of you; b) You’re in my prayers; and c) I’m sorry, and I care.

2. Know your boundaries. There are people you call in a crisis, and there are people you don’t. Reaching out to one friend over another isn’t necessarily about which friend you’re closer to, but rather, about which friend can help you with that particular problem.

Realize that this isn’t a competition and try to be aware of your own strengths and weaknesses. We all have different skills, comfort levels and frames of reference. It’s okay to acknowledge that in a way that lets the person going through a difficult time know that you care.

One of the nicest texts I received during treatment was from a friend. She wrote:

I’ve been waiting to call you until I thought of the perfect thing to say, but I’m not good with these kinds of things. I just want you to know that I love you and am praying for you everyday.

Another friend clearly had a hard time talking to me about cancer. She was phenomenal at sending cards with sweet notes, though. Every two weeks for six months, I would pick up my mail and find another card from her. They always put a smile on my face.

3. Do your research. I find it beneficial to use the Internet to look up medical issues from reliable sources like the Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins. If I’m better informed about what issues my loved ones are dealing with, then I can be a better friend to them. Knowledge is power, and it also prevents us from saying something that we later regret or making incorrect assumptions.

For instance, a miscarriage is not the same as a stillbirth, and those two terms should not be used interchangeably. If you don’t know why, it might be worth educating yourself about it.

4. Be yourself. When my friend was battling leukemia, my group wasn’t sure what we should do. We didn’t want to do or say the wrong thing. My mentor commented:

She knows she’s dying. You always send cards and check in with your friends on the telephone. Why would you stop that now at a time when she might need it the most?

5. Don’t assume. All of us respond to a crisis differently. And, since no two people are the same, the same illness won’t manifest itself the same way in two different people. There are a variety of treatment options, and some people respond better or worse to one particular protocol than others.

The only way that you know how someone is doing is to ask:
a. How are you doing today?
b. What side effects are you experiencing this week?
c. How are you tolerating treatment?

If you have a relationship with the person in crisis, and you are taking the time to ask about his or her illness, keep your questions open-ended. Let your loved one tell you what he or she feels like sharing with you that day.

I’ve heard a lot of variations of the following statement recently:

How are you doing? I can tell that you’re feeling great because your hair is growing and you’re wearing makeup.

Me: I’m not really sure what to say to that.

I don’t mean to be rude, but if someone’s answering his or her own question, then he or she really doesn’t want to hear how I’m doing.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking about medical issues, that’s fine. Just don’t make assumptions or pass judgment.

6. Be respectful and think before you speak. Real examples of what not to say:

Husband to wife during her consultation about getting a double mastectomy: Well, your breasts were never your best feature anyway.

A neighbor to me while I was in treatment: My girlfriend didn’t even recognize you. You look so different.

Relative to a friend with severe IBS: I never let my tummy problems stop me. I just put an extra pair of underwear in my purse.

Colleague to a friend with Parkinson’s: You look good so it can’t be that bad.

If you say something and later regret what was said, apologize. We’re human, after all.

If you’d like to do more than just cards or comments, how can you be there for your loved ones during a health crisis? What can you do if you’re experiencing a health issue and don’t know how to communicate with those close to you? I’ll get to those posts in coming weeks.

What tips come to your mind, readers?