relationships

Glass Half Full

Found out I’m in remission, but I’m not that happy.

When I saw those words appear in my Twitter feed, I immediately replied to my friend:

I’m grateful that you are done with treatment, but I get it. Call me if you want. Love you!

My telephone rang one minute later.

We talked about how people who haven’t been through it can only sympathize so much, despite their good intentions. I let her know that as someone who loves her, I am thrilled that she’s cancer-free. But, as a fellow cancer survivor, I appreciate all too well that her life doesn’t just return to how it was before her diagnosis.

Our perspectives have changed. Our priorities have changed. And, our relationships have changed.

We faced a "new normal" during treatment, and now, we're adjusting to another "new normal" with the end of treatment. Life is full of trials and tribulations like this but that doesn’t mean that they are easy to process or for others in our age group to understand.

I have always been cognizant of and thankful for the many blessings in my life. Even on my lowest days, my glass has been at least half full.

But, when your glass is half full, it’s also half empty. That analogy applies to how I feel like now that I’m done with treatment. I’m elated to be finished with chemotherapy, radiation and herceptin IVs, but the experience still looms over me like a dark cloud in the distance.

1. It’s a hairy situation. Chemotherapy causes the hair on your head to grow at a slower rate than normal. The chemicals also cause most women's hair to curl. Because of how thick and curly my hair is coming in, it’s growing up, rather than down. There’s also a curly, short femullet thing happening.

I have to do more to maintain my hair now than when it was down to the middle of my back. (Before cancer, I went for a blow out once a week, and that was it.) Now, I sit in the chair at the salon with sunglasses on so the other clients don’t see me crying.

I appreciate that to others with perfectly good intentions, the presence of hair on my head makes them more comfortable. But, to me, the presence of a never-ending bad hair day is a constant reminder of what has happened.

There’s also some irony that hair doesn’t return at the same pace all over. One friend and I were kvetching the other day about how we now have more hair on our legs than we've ever had before. And, my old aesthetician is baffled as to why my eyebrow hair is growing like a Chia Pet in some spots, but not in others.

2. Keeping everything in check. One friend was diagnosed with breast cancer in early 2010. She's been in remission for over a year, but she's still in the process of getting reconstructive surgeries. The idea that mastectomies and reconstruction are done in one surgery is false!

I’ll be seeing my oncologist, radiation oncologist and breast surgeon at four-month intervals. I’ll be getting one mammogram a year and one breast MRI a year. The reason for such vigilance is that when you’re diagnosed with breast cancer at a young age, there’s a greater chance of recurrence. I have between a 20-30% chance of breast cancer returning within five years. That percentage could be much higher, but it could also be lower. I can’t give much energy to a distant possibility, but I can’t ignore it either.

During my biopsy in July, my doctors commented that I have a lot of mass and fibrocystic breasts. I reminded myself then that only 2 biopsies out of 13 over the years came back as malignant (cancerous). However, it's highly likely that I will need more biopsies in the future. Being vigilant about health matters is empowering, but worrying about whether cancer has returned is very unpleasant.

3. The change. A year ago this week, I started hemorrhaging. By the end of the month, I was in menopause. I went out of menopause in late July, but my hormones now resemble those of the average teenage girl. I’ve had one period in a year. (For those of you who are wondering, I'm not pregnant. Thankfully.)

4. Ports Ahoy! My medi-port, the small device implanted under my skin through which the doctors administered medicine and took blood, is still in me. The nurses recommended that I keep it in for a while since my veins are so bad. It’s somewhat odd to think that the only reason the medi-port would need to be used is if my cancer returns. (Hey, cancer, go away! Don’t come near me! Better yet, don’t go near anyone anywhere! A girl can dream, right?)

My glass is still more than half full, but it’s a bit of a rude awakening that no longer having cancer doesn’t exactly translate into being done with cancer.

No matter what I go through, I’ve found peace when I focus on others and the cause as a whole.

With that in mind:

If you haven’t felt your boobies this month, please do!

If you find a lump, make an appointment with a breast surgeon!

If you haven’t gotten your annual gynecological appointment yet this year, please schedule one now. Make sure your gynecologist performs a clinical breast exam in addition to a pap smear during that appointment.

If you see any abnormal moles, please call a dermatologist.

Guys, feel your balls and look at your chest, too. Call the doctor if there are any abnormalities or pain.

I care. xoxo

What’s my number?

At brunch yesterday, a friend relayed the following story to me:

So, Joe [a mutual friend] and I were having dinner in Rockville, and the table next to us starting talking about your blog.

Me: Really?!? [We laugh out loud a bit.] Do we know this group?

Friend: No. There were four girls in their early 20s. Neither Joe nor I had seen them before, and they didn’t know anything about you beyond your blog. So…they were saying how you must be promiscuous because you write about sex. [We laugh some more.] One girl commented that she had been with five guys. Two girls commented that they had slept with around 25 guys a piece, and the last girl to speak said:

I’ve been with 130 guys. City Girl is a sex blogger so she’s probably slept with like ten times more people than I have!

When Joe and I heard that, we couldn’t stop laughing hysterically. The server finally stopped coming over to our table because she didn't know what was happening. The girls went back and forth for over an hour, debating how many guys you had been with and the fact that ten times 130 guys sounded about right.

1,300 guys?!?

Are you kidding me?

If you can laugh out loud and be speechless at the same time, picture me responding in such a fashion.

What have I disclosed by writing this blog?

I’m comfortable talking about sex and sexuality.

I enjoy sex and prioritize my sexual health.

I’m not a saint, but I’m neither a sex addict nor a sex worker.

I’ve gone entire years in which I’ve been in monogamous relationships or I’ve chosen not to have sex with a new partner until I had gotten over a past relationship.

Sorry to disappoint you, ladies, but I haven’t been with 1,000 guys. I haven’t even slept with 100 guys.

I do believe that the girls’ conversation provides an interesting commentary about female sexuality. There is a common misperception that a female who enjoys sex is promiscuous. If a man has a lot of partners, his behavior is tolerated at a minimum or revered at a maximum. If a woman has a lot of partners, she is a “slut” and isn’t worthy of being in a relationship.

In AskMen.com’s Great American Male survey, 35% of guys surveyed believe that a woman who has slept with 10 or more partners is promiscuous. Why isn’t a woman’s magazine polling females about the number of partners a man can have before he is seen as promiscuous? Maybe because that wouldn't make for interesting reading! It's expected that guys will have more partners than women, but I wonder with whom are they supposed to be getting all this manly experience?

We might not be able to control that a double standard exists and that female sexuality is condemned, while male sexuality is condoned, but we can make a conscious decision not to perpetuate the stereotype.

I talk about sex.

I write about sex.

I enjoy learning about sex.

I educate others about sex.

I have sex, and I love it!

If my comfort with my sexuality causes people to make assumptions about my lifestyle and the number of partners I've had, then I accept that on a personal level. However, I don't accept the misperceptions about female sexuality on a societal level. Each of us — male or female — deserves to feel comfortable in our own skin. Each of us — male or female — deserves to have a healthy sex life. From losing one's virginity to exploring one's sexual fantasies to masturbation to the number of partners, isn't it time for greater acceptance of and communication about everyone's sexuality, irrespective of gender or orientation?

I’ve been honest about the mistakes I’ve made in the past, but I don’t have a problem with the number of partners that I’ve had. And, whether you have yet to have sex or have been with 130 partners, I’ll do my best to support the decisions you've made about your life. We can try to raise each other up and debunk the myths and misperceptions about female sexuality or not. I’ve made my choice. What’s yours?

How do you define promiscuity and what are your thoughts about the double standard that exists with respect to female sexuality?

In the Den

Question: What do you get when you mix one sex doctor and one sex blogger?

Answer: A really great time!

I met Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus (otherwise known as Dr. Jenn) at the annual American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) conference in San Diego, California. Her presentation, “Put The Fun Back Into Sexual Function: How Positive Psychology Can Enhance The Sex Field,” was my favorite session of the weekend! She’s a dynamic and knowledgeable speaker, which unfortunately isn’t the norm at these types of events.

Although the conference was enjoyable, getting to know Jenn over the next several days was the true highlight of my time in San Diego. I went to a presentation, and I left with a friend. For that, I’m so thankful.

If you’re looking for accurate information on sex, intimacy, relationships, sexual health, and communication, make sure to check out her blog, In Dr. Jenn’s Den: Sexuality Outside The Box, and videos.

My interview with Dr. Jenn is below. Keep watching after the credits for an outtake that had me laughing out loud and shaking my head — at my own antics!

Transitioning from friends to…

With the opening of Friends With Benefits, it seemed only fitting to answer this question from a reader via Formspring:

How do you transition from friendship to more than that ;)? I’m friends with this boy, and I don’t know how to try and change the vibe because I'd like to be more than friends. Any tips?

Based on how you phrased the question, I'm assuming that you're interested in dating your friend, rather than just something physical. Have you thought about:

How much you rely on this guy as a friend?
If you lost the friendship completely or it became awkward to be around him, is that worth the risk of trying to transition to more than friends?
What’s the best possible outcome in the short or long term? What’s the worst?

There’s no right or wrong answer to those questions, but you need to be prepared as best as you can for all possible options. Is the chance to be with this guy worth the risk of losing him in your life completely?

If the benefits outweigh the risks or it’s becoming difficult to hide your feelings, then think about what he’s said about relationships and figure out how you can change up your normal routine. Some ideas and questions to consider:

1. Is he open to being in a relationship right now? Does he talk to you about other girls or what he is looking for? Is he hung up on an ex? Has it always been just platonic between you two or was there ever any flirtation?

Answering those questions might help you figure out how best to proceed. If he’s still getting over an ex-girlfriend, I might wait to broach the subject. If there was a time when he was flirtatious with you, then I might be more inclined to let him know how you feel.

2. How do you two normally interact? Try to change your routine in a manner that makes it more conducive for the relationship to naturally evolve into something as more than friends.

If you’re used to just working out together or watching DVDs, what if you suggest getting dinner one evening at a quiet restaurant? If you typically socialize with friends at a bar or lounge, what if you offer to cook for him at your place?

If you two interact one or twice in a different mode, does he seem more inclined to go down the dating path? If so, then I might wait to say something for a little bit. If not, then it might be worth proceeding to #3 and actually saying something to him.

3.Talk to him. It’s not always easy to share your feelings with someone, but you’ll never know how he feels unless you do so. On an evening when you aren’t drunk, rushed or around other people, tell him in your own words:

Your friendship is really important to me. But, lately, I’ve started to wonder what it would be like to be more than friends. Have you ever thought about that, too?

Think about how you’ll respond if he says “yes” or “no.” Can you still be friends with him if he doesn’t want to date you? If he’s interested in being more than friends with you, what do you hope for next? If he seems completely caught off guard, let him know that you can talk about this another time because it's not urgent. (It might feel pressing at the time, but it really isn't.) Likewise, if the conversation becomes awkward, you can let him know that you don't need to figure this all out at once and then change the topic. If the guy is interested in more, he'll make a move or bring it up at a later time.

Regardless of the outcome, be proud of yourself for being honest and going after what you want!

Thanks for the great question and let me know how it goes! xoxo

So, readers, did I miss anything?

What I’m looking for in a partner

A year ago this week, I met Mr. Agency. A few days later, we grabbed drinks together. A year ago this week, Best Boy spent the night at my place for the first time ever and told me:

You’ve gotten in my head.

As July turned to August, I had two minor surgeries to remove the two cancerous areas in my right breast. That same week, I began sleeping with Best Boy and snuggling with Mr. Agency. A month later, I started having sex with Mr. Agency.

As I look back on the past year, cancer has taken center stage in my life. Treatment came first, and I placed everything and everyone else on the back burner. I've tried to convey that as best as I could on this blog, but at its core, this site is about dating, sex and relationships, not cancer. Ninety percent of the time the boys in my life were welcome diversions and provided a little help when I needed both of those things.

Upon the end of radiation, I started to think about the next stage of my life and what I wanted for myself personally and professionally. I’ll talk more about what’s next for me professionally in a subsequent post, but I’ll focus on the guys in this one.

Raise your hand if you’re tired of reading about Best Boy and Mr. Agency.

You can put your hand down now.

Who's in the lead? Who cares?

See, I got to the point where I was tired of them, too. During surgery and chemotherapy, Best Boy was the one guy that I could count on completely. And, then during radiation, that changed. I'm the first to admit that our story might have had a different ending if I hadn't chosen Mr. Exec, Mr. Agency and Philly Matt over him. What if I had realized what a great, caring guy Best Boy was sooner than I did? I wonder…

At the end of the day, though, Best Boy wants to focus on his career and move overseas. I want to stay in DC and have a family. Neither path is wrong, but those paths are mutually exclusive.

Mr. Agency and I fed off of our sexual chemistry for a while, and then we would get in a fight…until we made up and had sex again…and got in a fight again. Did we reconnect again? Of course. But, our interest in and expectations from each other had changed so our interactions have been calm.

Where does that leave me a year later?

Well, I’m friends with both of them. They’re not bad guys. (In fact, Mr. Agency and I actually talk more now than when we were sleeping together.) They’re just not the right guys for me at this stage.

For the overwhelming majority of my life, I’ve chosen passion over partnership. I was the girl who loved to date self-absorbed workaholics and craved the rush of never knowing what would happen next. But, I’m not the same girl I was a year ago. And, that’s a good thing. A very good thing!

I’ve thankfully had more passion than most people will have in a lifetime. Now, I’ve realized that I’d rather have the right partner or be unattached than be in an ambiguous or predominately sexual relationship.

“How do you define the right partner, City Girl?” you might be wondering.

I’m looking for a man who:

Values his health and the health of his loved ones;
Enjoys sports, dining out, helping others and relaxing in front of the television;
Believes in some higher power;
Is emotionally secure enough to lean on me and communicate with me;
Inspires me;
Prioritizes sexual health. (There still needs to be some level of attraction and chemistry here, people);
Is professionally stable and not interested in moving in the near future;
Gets certain things without me asking him. (I'm fine with folding his laundry or putting the toilet seat down. I'm not fine with having to ask a guy to take time off of work when I'm in the hospital or to get me ginger ale or walk my dog when I'm sick); and
Wants to be a father within the next four years and won’t be the kind of guy who expects extra points or kudos on Facebook for staying home alone with his kid(s) or taking his child to the pediatrician.

I don’t NEED a partner, but I’m truly open for the first time in a long while to having one.

An odd first date – Part II

As my odd first date with Hampton Man continued, I felt like I was watching a fender bender. It wasn't the worst first date that I had ever been on, but it wasn’t good either. In the back of my head, I laughed to myself, thinking:

Well, at least I’ll get an interesting blog post out of this.

I let Hampton Man do most of the talking when it came to his last relationship. But, when he called his ex-girlfriend, Janine, a “whore,” I had to speak up:

I have a problem with guys using that word to describe a woman. I get that she hurt you, but that’s not cool.

Hampton Man: How else should I describe a woman who lied to me and slept with another guy behind my back?

We were already in so deep that I just kept going.

Me: So, she cheated on you and you’re hurt?

Hampton Man: Yes.

Me: Have you tried talking to her at all?

Hampton Man: She said she loved me and kept lying to me. And, we talked some more after I found out, but I don’t think I can trust her anymore. [Pause.] I told her where I was coming from, and she was fine with that. She said that she didn’t want to be with anyone else.

Me [slightly confused]: So, where were you coming from?

Hampton Man: I’m not the monogamous type.

Me [with wide and incredulous eyes]: Wait a minute. You broke up with her because she slept with someone else, and yet, YOU were sleeping with someone else?

Hampton Man: But she knew that from the beginning!

Me: And, you think that makes it right?

Hampton Man: I’m honest. I don’t actively seek out other women, but if I feel a connection with someone, I’ll act on it. All of my guy friends cheat on their girlfriends and wives behind their backs, and no one is ever the wiser. I’m not going to do it like that.

Me: Why even get into a relationship then?

Hampton Man: I like coming home to someone…going on trips…spending the holidays…all that stuff. But, I don’t want to pretend that I’m going to be 100% sexually monogamous if I might not be.

Me: Being honest doesn’t negate the fact that the monogamy piece is often essential to having a solid commitment and strong level of trust. So, why did you get so upset with Janine?

Hampton Man: Well, she said that she would never have sex with anyone else…that I was the only man she would be with…and then she slept with someone else and hid it from me.

Me: I’m not saying she should’ve lied to you, but a relationship that’s only monogamous from one party would be tough to sustain.

Hampton Man kept insisting that it was most important that he was honest. He then proceeded to list all of his relationship faults, hypothesizing about how natural selection and events from his childhood had led him to this place. He mentioned family issues, his need for independence and some analogy with the male lion. I tried not to roll my eyes too much as I commented:

At least you’re self-aware.

Hampton Man: Aren’t you glad I told you?

Me: Well, in one sense, yes. I would have considered sleeping with you down the road, but now, I’ll think a lot harder about that. It might have been nice to just have a typical first date, though.

Hampton Man: Well, it’s not to say that I wouldn’t change for the right woman.

Me [with a skeptical look]: Maybe.

The end of our drinks date involved him showing me pictures of his ex-girlfriend. I did talk for a few minutes about my relationships with Mr. Agency, Mr. Exec and Best Boy and wasn’t surprised when Hampton Man didn’t know any of them by their first names.

We ended the date discussing legal policy and how it relates to one of his practice areas. He again admitted that it was tough for him to stay motivated as a solo practitioner in Virginia, but he suggested that we talk more about this in the future. I was amenable to that. (I do miss practicing so I could discuss my former specialty ad nauseum.)

As we walked outside, he offered me a ride home, but I politely declined. Hampton Man indicated that he wanted to see me again. I said that would be nice, although I didn't know if I cared to ever go out with him again. But, as “friends” or colleagues, he was interesting to talk to so I didn’t want to close the door entirely.

I headed home, feeling exhausted. But, as it would turn out, my night was far from over.

To be continued…

An odd first date

What constitutes a perfect first date to you?

From my perspective, I like when I find myself giddy with excitement and a touch of nervousness before the date itself. I take the time to figure out just the right outfit to wear. My heart is open to the possibilities, but I have no expectations of where the date might lead. The location is conducive to romance or shows thoughtful planning without seeming forced.

On the date itself, conversation is easy without any awkward pauses. Both of us present our authentic selves in the best possible light. At the end of the night, there might even be a soft kiss with enough open mouth to desire more, but enough restraint to be respectful. By the time we part, we've discussed when we'll be seeing each other again. That's a great first date, as I see it.

Unfortunatey, my first date with Hampton Man in the middle of February met almost none of the aforementioned criteria.

He was fighting a cold.

I was in the middle of five radiation treatments a week and felt exhausted.

I felt neither excited nor nervous and didn't go home to change after brunch with my girlfriends.

I wasn't sure where I stood with Best Boy, and I had just started having sex again with Mr. Agency.

Hampton Man isn’t a planner, and by his own admission, he is very unmotivated when the weather is cold. He deferred to me as to when and where so I squeezed him into my schedule and picked a place (the bar at Kramerbooks & Afterwords Cafe) that was convenient for me.

When he arrived at the bar, we hugged hello and sat down to talk. He hadn’t taken anything for his cold, and it was obvious that he was feeling poorly. Although he was sick, he still was very easy on the eyes.

We started talking about sports and then moved to work. When the topic turned to the night we met, he said:

I really liked your confidence. And your smile. You have amazing lips.

I blushed and thanked him. When the conversation moved to where we socialize, we talked about how surprising it was that we hadn't met sooner. We figured out that he frequents places in the U Street Corridor, whereas I can usually be found in Georgetown or West End. Out of the blue, he asked:

When was your last relationship?

Me: As in someone I loved or someone I dated?

Hampton Man: Both.

Me [with a giggle part out of amusement and part of awkwardness]: Isn’t this an odd topic to broach on a first date? [Pause, as I realize that he really wants to talk about this.] I was very serious with someone in 2009. Last year, my focus was less on relationships, but more on getting through treatment, although I dated a couple of guys.

Hampton Man: What are their names?

Me: Excuse me?

Hampton Man: I want to make sure that I don’t know anyone you went out with.

Me: I doubt that you know them well, if at all.

Hampton Man: So, what are their names?

Me: I don’t know that I feel comfortable sharing that with you an hour after our first drinks date. [I laugh and give a slight eye roll.] Are you going to tell me about your previous relationships?

I had viewed that question as rhetorical, but he answered with a diatribe about his long-term relationship with his ex-girlfriend, Janine. Although I didn’t want to judge a man I barely knew, I sensed a few yellow flags:

1. He really wanted to talk about their relationship, their problems and how she hurt him. That’s usually a sign that the break up is fresh or at least that there are unresolved feelings;

2. He commented that his ex-girlfriend was a “whore.” I appreciate that she hurt him, but I’m not one for misogynistic terms; and

3. He made a point to talk about how she wasn’t as educated or accomplished as we were. I wasn’t sure why that was even relevant, but it was a bit off putting.

I tried to reconcile the fact that Hampton Man was intelligent and handsome with a relatively peaceful energy with what he relayed to me about his last relationship. I hadn’t yet decided whether I wanted our first date to be our last, but the next hour helped clarify that for me:

To be continued…

Routine

Two girlfriends were in DC for a conference in early February, and we gathered at Proof to eat, drink and talk about work and boys. After listening to the latest about their jobs and beaus, I updated them about my life over the past six months. As I was in the middle of telling them about Mr. Exec, Best Boy, and Mr. Agency, I received a text message from Best Boy with his typical opener:

Hey.

Given the timing, I chuckled when I saw the message come in.

Me: Best Boy’s wanting to hang tonight.

Ash: Have him come by! We want to meet him. [Lauren nods in agreement.]

Me: Okay.

I continued to finish my story, and shortly thereafter, Best Boy joined us. Lauren was discussing one of the guys she was dating, and Best Boy politely interjected to get caught up to speed.

Lauren was torn between whether she viewed this guy as a friend with benefits or someone with relationship potential. The situation became even more confusing since she occasionally did work for his company.

Me: Do you care about him as more than a friend you have sex with?

Lauren: I think so. [Pause.] Maybe. [Pause.] I just don’t know what he wants.

Best Boy, Ash and I agreed that Lauren needed to talk to the guy about their situation. As Lauren debated how best to broach the subject, Best Boy suggested that she ask him:

So…what’s our deal?

Over the next 15 minutes, Best Boy offered a variety of strategies to Lauren. I had forgotten how good he was at listening and giving advice! Lauren thanked him for his input and peppered him with a few follow-up questions. While they were engrossed in the discussion, Ash mouthed to me:

He’s awesome…and really cute! Go with him!

I shrugged my shoulders and mouthed:

We’ll see.

As Best Boy and I walked to his car, it crossed my mind that I didn’t know what OUR deal was. I still wasn’t sure what I wanted, though, so it still didn’t make sense for me to broach that subject with him.

While he was driving, I turned and kissed him on the cheek. Best Boy looked at me with a mildly confused expression on his face.

Me: Thanks. They really liked you. You’re a good guy, Mr. Best Boy. [We both smile.]

When we arrived home, we went upstairs, got ready for bed, and had sex. It wasn’t mind blowing, but it was comfortable. I had always seen routines as bad when it came to relationships, but with Best Boy, it was nice to know what to expect. I might not have known what our deal was or where this was going, but we cared about each other. That was enough for now.

Talking it out — Part II

A part of me wondered if I should hang up the telephone, ending the unnecessary closure talk that I was having with Mr. Agency. But, I wasn't exactly thinking clearly by that point in my treatment. And, it also occurred to me that maybe…just maybe…one of us would say something that resonated in the right way to make this three-hour conversation seem worthwhile.

Mr. Agency continued talking about the night we met:

When I saw you at the Masquerade Party, I could tell that you were different from all of the usual people I meet at those types of events. I couldn’t help but want to spend more time with you. And, you're so cool, and we had a lot of fun together. You really seemed to understand my schedule. [Pause.] But, this is why I don’t get into relationships. There are always resentments.

Me: It’s not your schedule that I resented. It was your lack of communication. I tried every way I could to make things work between us, but I had to adjust reactively to you. If you had given me the heads up that your work week would go from 70 hours to 100 hours in October, I could have decided whether I wanted to hang out with you or not. But, you didn't pitch it that way. You said that you would be there for me during treatment, and yet, after the first round, you weren't!

I paused and exhaled with one tear falling down my cheek:

I wish we had been able to get to know each other without chemotherapy getting in the way.

Mr. Agency [sighing]: I know. [Pause,] Maybe it would’ve been different if that had happened much later on in our relationship.

Me: Well, I know you well enough to know that your job is only go to get more demanding over the next 10 years. [Pause.] That’s why I tried to break things down to us just seeing each other once a week on those weeks when you’re in town. I don’t understand why, if you care about me, you couldn't have done that.

Mr. Agency: My schedule doesn’t allow me to.

Me: Yes, it does! You just choose for it not to.

Mr. Agency: When I finish at work at 2 or 3am and I need to be up five hours later, I just try to get as much sleep as I can. I don’t have a choice. My body needs sleep to function.

Me: I don’t deny that, but it’s not like you can’t sleep here.

Mr. Agency: I want to be in my own bed free of distractions. You know I don’t sleep as well with someone next to me.

Quite a few minutes were spent discussing sleep. When he made a comment that if it wasn’t for his need for sleep, things might be different between us, I replied incredulously:

We all make time for the things that are important to us! You chose not to try to make things work with me when you weren’t communicative about your schedule and didn’t make an effort to come over here or invite me to your place or your events. I'm understanding of your schedule and the fact that you couldn't take me out on traditional dates. You could've met me a quarter of the way, but you wouldn't! And, the sleep thing is total bullshit. I was asking for one night a week! When I hang up, should I text a few of my friends and say:

Mr. Agency and I finally ended things. We’re breaking up because his sleep is important to him?

He didn’t find that amusing and tried for another few minutes to convince me of his position.

Mr. Agency: You’re going to tell all your friends about what an asshole I am.

Me: I don’t think you’re an asshole, but I think you could’ve handled things much better where I was concerned.

He refused to admit that, instead going into how being in a relationship negatively impacts his work performance.

Me: I just think that’s because you haven’t let any woman truly in and given her the chance to be there for you and help you out. All relationships don’t have to be distracting.

We kept going around in circles, and every 30 minutes, I inquired why we even needed to be having this conversation in the first place.

Mr. Agency: Well, don’t you think it's valuable to hear each other’s perspective?

Me: No, I don’t. It won’t change anything.

Mr. Agency: But, don’t you feel like it’s been worthwhile for us to talk?

Me: No, I don’t. This conversation is honestly just making me more irritated with you.

Mr. Agency finally realized that I was right. There wasn’t anything else for us to say to each other.

By the time I hung up the telephone, I was exasperated with him. Mr. Agency wanted to come across as the good guy. I didn't think of him as a bad guy, but he sure wasn't a guy who had treated me well.

Talking it out

As I had predicted, Mr. Agency called me three days after our text conversation. In those 72 hours, I didn't shed a tear over him or even give him much thought. I was feeling horribly from my fifth round of chemotherapy, and I had zero energy to give to a guy with whom I was occasionally having sex.

When he finally called, he asked how I was feeling.

Me: It’s been rough.

Mr. Agency: So, there are good and bad days?

Me [pausing]: Umm…there haven’t been good days for the past two rounds. More like good hours.

I shook my head at my telephone, wondering if this was the same guy who had been so attentive during surgery and the first round of chemotherapy.

Mr. Agency: Oh. [Pause.] So you had asked me to call you…

Me: I did, but after I texted you, I realized that it’s not necessary for us to talk. Your actions speak volumes.

Mr. Agency: Well, that doesn’t seem fair.

Me: It’s not fair or unfair. It’s honest. We don’t need to talk to get closure since talking won’t change the fact that: 1) we can’t be friends because you aren’t able to make time for your friends; 2) we can’t be in a relationship because you're not interested in that; and 3) we can’t just have a sexual thing because your schedule doesn’t allow for you to do that regularly. So…what’s left? Am I missing something?

For the next THREE hours, Mr. Agency tried to convince me that he was a good guy and that this wasn't about how he felt about me. For 30 minutes straight in one hour and 15 minute in another, I didn’t even utter a sound. I just held my head in my hand from exhaustion and annoyance.

Every half hour or so, I would say:

Why are we talking? We can't be friends, in a relationship or fuck buddies. There's nothing to say! I feel like I should just hang up on you.

But, I didn’t hang up so we – or was it just he? – kept talking. To summarize some of the main points:

Mr. Agency: I think we can be friends.

Me: How? You barely have time for your guy friends, and you don’t really have female friends. And, I demand a lot more from my friends than just a guy I’m fucking. I don’t think you’re a bad guy, but do you really see us being anymore than Facebook friends or DC friends who hug hello at events?

Mr. Agency: I want you to be able to call me if you need anything. It's not like I haven't wanted to be there for you during treatment. I get how tough this has been on you.

Me: I have one more round of chemotherapy and six weeks of radiation left. If you want to show me that you can be a friend to me, you'll have ample opportunities. [And, yes, I rolled my eyes at the phone as I said this, knowing that Mr. Agency would never reach out to me during treatment.]

Mr. Agency: It's just my schedule makes everything so tough.

Me: I don't doubt that. But, you said you would be there for me during cancer, and you weren't! [Pause.] And, I feel like I’ve been more than understanding about your schedule. That’s why I pitched us hanging out once a week. Sex is one of the few things that actually works for us. And, you said yes to getting together once a week, and then you didn't follow through on that either!

Mr. Agency: I didn’t agree to that.

Me: You kept saying, 'Yes,' and 'Okay,' as we were talking. So, what do 'Yes' and 'Okay' mean to you?

Mr. Agency: I was just letting you know that I heard you and I appreciated where you were coming from.

Me: Come on! I phrased the question several different ways, and each time, you claimed you agreed with me. If you didn't want to see me once a week, but just wanted to have sex that night, then you should've just said that! Then, I could've decided to play or pass.

Mr. Agency: You don't realize how persuasive you are!

Me: What?

Mr. Agency: Well, there were times over the past few months that I tried to let you know how I was feeling, but you were always so persuasive.

Me: Umm…you never said, 'I don’t want to see you anymore,' or 'Let’s end this.' If you had, I would’ve respected that. You kept coming over so how was I supposed to think any differently. And…you kept agreeing with whatever arrangement I pitched!

Mr. Agency: I kept assuming that you would say that you weren’t getting what you needed. But, then, when we would get together, you would pitch something so persuasively that I had to say, ‘Yes.’

Me: You had to say, 'Yes?' That's ridiculous! I never forced you to say or do anything! I cared about you! Of course, I’m going to try to find a way to continue seeing you. But, when I realized what you could and couldn’t handle, I adjusted my line-up accordingly. [Mr. Agency simultaneously loved and hated my sexuality so I purposely used the term, ‘line-up,’ to upset him.]

Mr. Agency: Your line-up? You know I’m not comfortable with that. I never had a line-up. I would never treat you like that.

Me: But, if you're not around or you're promising me that you'll do something and not following through, how are you treating me?

Mr. Agency: This is why I never get into relationships. There always ends up being resentments in the end. But, when I met you, I felt something I hadn't felt in a while. You were different.

The conversation continued, as will this story with tomorrow's post.