Love

Around the rim

A reader sent me an email on Twitter last month, asking me about rimming.

(For those of you who don't know what rimming is, it involves oral-anal play. Rimming occurs when one person licks, tongues or eats out the other person's asshole. It's also called a rim job, analingus, or tossing salad. The act can be used as foreplay before sex or by itself. There is a misperception that oral-anal play is just for gay men. That's just not true. Rimming is anyone who enjoys anal play irrespective of sexual orientation.)

Here are my two (or 200) cents about rimming:

1. Does your partner want you to lick his or her ass? I don't think that's a given since I know quite a few friends of mine — men and women — don't enjoy anal play at all. Treat rimming much like anal sex and evaluate on a partner-by-partner basis. The majority of my ex-boyfriends have (thankfully) loved anal sex as much as I do, but only one of them wanted me to give him a rim job. There's not necessarily a correlation between whether a guy wants to have anal sex with a woman and whether a guy wants to be on the receiving end of oral-anal play.

2. So…how do you find out if your significant other is interested in rimming? Communication! I never recommend going into any type of anal play blindly since not everyone enjoys that. Pick a time to broach the subject when there is no expectation of sex. Openly talk about likes, dislikes and concerns.

a. How do you or does he/she feel about fingering the anus? If you are or your partner is open to that, how much of a finger feels pleasurable? Sometimes a little goes a long way. Does saliva provide enough lubrication or do you need to use lube for finger-anal play?

b. How about licking? How much tongue is too much? Does it feel comfortable to have some or all of the tongue inside the anus or is just the outside better? (Some of this is trial and error when you are in the moment, but it helps to talk about the act in advance.)

c. Is your partner open to using anal toys? Is there an interest in having a finger lead to a tongue and then lead to a bead or butt play? What are the limits?

d. If you are a man trying to gauge if your woman is interested in having anal sex, it's helpful to talk about what she does or doesn't feel comfortable with. Does she view fingers and a rim job as part of the process to become more acclimated to anal play or does she view those acts as unrelated from anal sex?

e. Are there health concerns here? Make sure that your partner has gone to the bathroom and fully cleaned out his or her system before you head in that direction. (That seems like Rim Job or Anal 101 to me.)

But, there's another, far more serious layer here. There is a risk of hepatitis from rimming. Are you and our partner exclusive? Do you want to get tested for hepatitis, other STDs and parasites before you explore the fine art of salad tossing? Will you be using a condom before you engage in rimming?

Since it's worth noting, yes, you can just let your fingers do the walking or tongue do the talking when you are engaging in hand or oral play. (I actually didn't know how much I enjoyed rimming until a one-night stand with Dominican Boy .) If you care about the person you are with, though, I think that communicating in advance strengthens both your emotional connection with your significant other and the pleasure during the act itself.

3. Now, what if you like to receive a rim job, but don't want to give one to your partner? (That was the second question that my friend on Twitter asked of me.) A few clichés come to mind:

Tit for tat;
What's good for the goose is good for the gander;
Giving is better than receiving; and
You gotta suck it up.

I realize that none of those are particularly eloquent, but I think you get my point. I believe in reciprocity in the bedroom. It doesn't need to be 50-50, but if you want to receive something in the bedroom, it's only fair that you also give.

Think about what doesn't appeal to you about the act and try to remedy the situation. Maybe you first try licking your partner's ass in the shower after you've made sure the area is clean? Or, you could start with a finger before you move on to the tongue? You also don't need to stick your whole tongue inside of your significant other's anus. You can start with just the tip and ease both of you into the act. For those who like anal play, using the tongue on the outside of the anus — back and forth like a paintbrush or in a clockwise motion — can be extremely pleasurable.

You might also want to see if your partner would be open to using a toy in lieu of or before your tongue. Would you feel more relaxed doing it if you've already gotten off or had a glass of wine first? Or, can you please yourself with one hand or a small toy while licking your partner's ass?

Once you do bring your mouth down to the anus, don't do so begrudgingly. If you focus on the negative, it will be less enjoyable for both you and your significant other. Try a few mind over matter tricks. Remind yourself that you enjoy pleasing your partner. Feel sexy because you are doing something that turns him or her on. You might also feel differently if you try to give someone you love a rim job versus engaging in oral-anal play with someone with whom you are in a more casual relationship.

You might enjoy rimming. You might not. But, keep communicating with your partner and experimenting in whatever ways makes you both feel comfortable!

PS Part II to this post about what to do when you are engaging in oral-anal play coming soon.

Why didn’t I blog in real time?

A friend, Lisa, approached me and said the following:

A lot of people don't get your blog.

Misty: What's not to get? [I nod my head.]

Lisa: You don't blog in real time.

Me [with a confused expression on my face]: So?

Misty: She's a storyteller.

Lisa: Well, I get it, which is why I read it so you don't have to convince me….But, 8 people — in PR and Marketing — have come up to me recently and talked about how you don't blog in real time. They don't understand it.

Me: What is there really to understand? It's not that cryptic.

Lisa: You have to have noticed that some of your commenters have been frustrated with the same thing and how you write about things that happened a few months ago.

Me: Yes, I've noticed. But, I just kept telling the story, and it seems by the numbers of hits that I've received that people keep reading.

Lisa: But, I bet that you could quadruple your hits if you blogged in real time.

Me: Really? With the amount of hits I've gotten recently? I doubt that.

Lisa: But, you need to blog in real time if you want to be a successful blogger.

Misty: But, she doesn't want to be a successful blogger.

[I nod my head in agreement. And, yes, folks, Misty is right. If I can turn my blog into something more professionally in the next year, I will. If not, I'll go back to representing my clients since I miss my clients.]

Lisa: You are a blogger now, though. And, you've used social media to promote your blog. You've said that. [I nod.] Social media and Twitter are about getting information in real-time, and you're not blogging in that manner.

A longer discussion ensued, but it got me thinking about what I do and how I do it.

Why don't I blog in real-time?

1. I didn't start blogging in real-time.

My friends have been telling me for years to write down my guy stories. When I broke up with Lawyer Boy at the end of 2008, I had the time and the inclination to finally do that. I wasn't in a relationship at the time so I started writing about past events. Word-of-mouth about my blog grew, and I just kept on writing;

2. I'm a storyteller.

I see myself as a storyteller, rather than one who blogs about her day. Some events warrant several posts, while other quieter weeks don't warrant a mention. Misty commented that some days I would just be writing, "Didn't go out on a date. Didn't have sex." I love my life, but the rest of my life doesn't always make for a good read;

3. Would I be able to date in a small city like DC if I did blog in real time?

I don't think so, and Lisa and Misty both agreed with me on this point. Why is that? DC is small. Lilliputian small. If guys knew that whatever happened that night would appear in a post the following day, I doubt that many guys would want to date me. By not blogging in real time, I also can see if a relationship evolves.

For instance, last Thursday night, I met four guys. I'm currently exchanging e-mails with three of them. I don't know if I'll end up dating any of them, though, so is it really worth describing our first encounters or e-mails on my blog? There might not be a story there since I don't know if any of them will amount to more than just a guy I met at a event. Who knows if a casual encounter is blog-worthy?

That also raises another issue. I just admitted that I'm in contact with four guys from last week. All of them have access to my blog. What if by the sheer fact that I met other guys that night, I lose the chance to go out with the guy with whom I'm the most compatible?

In a similar vein, in the past week, I've been in contact with Philly Matt, The Baron, JAG Man (yes, he's back, too), and Mr. Executive. Out of that group, I could see seriously dating two of them. (No, I'm not saying which two right now.) If I put every detail in real time about my interactions with them and feelings about them, then I might miss out on the opportunity to spend time with each of them individually and see what happens next.

If you know me, you realize that I don't engage in casual sex. (I've had a single one-night stand in a decade.) But, I do believe that a double standard exists in the dating arena. I'm trying to explore my options respectfully. Real-time blogging wouldn't allow me to do that without feeling like all the guys on deck were watching over my shoulders. Writing my stories down the next day might also spark jealousy and resentment or cause a guy to act uncharacteristically.

4. Do you really want real-time?

I have this vision of my man behind me and my laptop in front of me. In that scenario, I'd be blogging as my man is having sex with me. The title of that post would be: Is This Enough Real-Time For You?

Sex and love don't always follow a story arc, and my stories are detailed and explore things from every angle. As "real" as I am in my blog, I think that "real time" would detract from my posts.

Mr. Executive also made a good point that if I was to blog in real-time, then I would need to have an itinerary before every post. He joked:

So…are we going to have sex, watch a movie or get in a fight tonight? I need to figure out what I'm going to write about next.

I prefer to let whatever happens happen organically and then write about it after I've had time to digest it. And, yes, I realize that I was blogging about the end of my relationship with "Buckeyes" Boy three months after we had split up. But, I have to believe that my readers (and not just my friends) care about me as a person. I don't know emotionally if I would have been able to handle writing about everything as I was going through it with "Buckeyes" Boy. I also wouldn't have done well with all the criticism in the moment. Isn't it better that my relationship with "Buckeyes" Boy ended as it was meant to, rather than by a huge fight over the comments that he read or something I put in a post?

5. What else should I do?

I initially started to write down my stories just for me. But, now, I'm writing for a larger audience. I feel guilty when I don't blog for a few days in a row. My readers are invested in my stories, and I don't want to disappoint. Many of you have shown me by your comments, Tweets and e-mails that you care about me. I feel that, and I want to give the same back at you!

Isn't the purpose of social media to exchange information to a broader audience through the Internet? And, isn't that what I'm doing? Yes, social media provides news and information in real time, but whether or not I have sex with a guy isn't news; it's entertainment for my friends and readers.

Social media has grown in every sense of the word because it isn't formulaic, and it's constantly being used in new and visionary ways. It's ironic to me that I've received criticism (albeit through a third-party) that I have used social media in a way that it wasn't intended to be used. Who defines the norm in an ever-changing market to infinite consumers? More accurately, does there need to be a norm? Isn't the beauty of social media that we all have the power to create and exchange personal and professional information over the Internet in whatever manner we choose?

I'm not cooking one recipe a day to blog about it. Likewise, I'm not sleeping with or dating one guy a day to prove a point. That's not my love life as an adult, and it's not my writing style.

I've always done it my way (that was the title of my autobiography back in 6th grade), and I blog like I fuck (out of the box). I'm a storyteller and an advice-giver, and I'm just going to keep on writing. xoxo

So…what are your thoughts? How do you define "successful blogger?"

Your questions answered

I’ve received a lot of questions about “Buckeyes” Boy over the past month. I thought I could tie up a few loose ends by answering them.

1. Have I seen “Buckeyes” Boy since December 1st?

Yes, actually. I saw him at a tech event last month. I RSVP-ed at the last possible moment so I don’t know if he knew that I would be there, but I knew that he would.

I wasn’t sure if seeing him would trigger anything. But, my heart didn’t beat fast, I didn’t cry, and I didn’t have the desire to jump on the bar, point at him and sing the Eastern Motors jingle. (For you out-of-towners, click on this to see the worst commercial in history. For you locals, I’m sorry if I got the jingle in your head, but my friends and I all sing this when “Buckeyes” Boy’s name comes up in conversation. Yes, my girls and I are wrong.)

Seeing “Buckeyes” Boy reminded me of what a fine man he is. But, unlike many of my past ex-boyfriends, I have absolutely no desire to hook up with him again…ever. I’ve seen what’s on the inside, and that’s far from fine.

That night, I had decided that I would exchange pleasantries with “Buckeyes” Boy, if he approached me. But, he avoided me like the plague. When he walked past me at the end of the night like there was a fire, I laughed out loud.

2. How was I emotionally able to write about this the past couple of month?

Good question. It wasn’t easy, but it was cathartic. I think my writing style is a benefit and a detriment when it comes to posts about conflict or break ups. I’ve been blessed with a great memory, and when I write, I take myself back to that time. I try to remember every detail and my emotions so I can write about the experience accurately.

With that said, if I wrote about a time when “Buckeyes” Boy’s actions or inactions made me cry in the past, I was at my laptop crying in the present. It was tough to relive that, especially given how blunt the comments to those posts were. But, I also realized how strong I am.

3. Am I really okay?

Yes! I’m far happier now than I was during the last half of my relationship with “Buckeyes” Boy. All these great things started happening to me right after he handed me back the keys to my place (personally, professionally and educationally). A weight was lifted off of my shoulders, and I felt like all the blessings that I was receiving were affirming signs from above that I shouldn’t be with him.

4. Is “Buckeyes” Boy, [his real name]?

I’m NOT posting his real name or Twitter handle on my blog or Twitter feed. Period. In my mind, that wouldn’t be fair since I don’t post my real info on here.

If you are able to put two and two together, I’m happy to tell you discreetly under the condition that information from this blog will NOT appear on his Twitter feed, or be broached with him at an event or at his workplace.

Yes, he played me. Yes, I blogged about it. But, I trust that karma and “Buckeyes” Boy’s lies will take care of the rest.

In the past week, several people have contacted me, realizing that “Buckeyes” Boy had lied to them, too (in personal and professional settings). DC is a small city, and the DC Twitter community is even smaller. For instance, it might not be the best thing to tell the woman who is handling my PR and a recruiter that you’re Canadian…when you’re not.

5. Do I think “Buckeyes” Boy cheated on me?

I don’t honestly know. And, I doubt I’ll ever know, unless someone else contacts me after this post. I knew that I needed to get STD testing done in mid-November after he revealed how he will go out to bars to look for one-night stands instead of masturbating, and I did just that. (Thankfully, all is well on that front.)

Plus, the boy lied to me and manipulated me for months. If he put his cock inside some other girl, would it hurt me? Sure. I’m human. But, does it really change anything? No.

6. What would I say if I knew “Buckeyes” Boy was reading this?

When we were together, we talked on quite a few occasions about how we hoped our mothers were looking down on us from heaven. We hoped that they had met and that they could see how happy we were together. I know that my Mom is looking down on me now and is proud of how I handled myself during our relationship. Can your Mom look down on you and say the same?

Oh, I found your Match profile. (He reinstated an old profile the first week in December. I had a vibe and used an old password to check.) Here are my friendly recommendations:

a. Change your profile picture to what you use on Foursquare or crop the photo of you and Paul from your friend’s birthday. The current picture makes you look like you have a gut, which you don’t. Your best features are your smile and arms. Pick a photo that shows them off;

b. There’s no need to lie about places you’ve traveled to or college athletics. Those lines aren’t necessary at your age; and

c. Be straight about what you are looking for. You are not looking “to connect with someone mind, body and soul.” DC is a city with many career-oriented women. Just say something like, “I have a demanding job that I love and little time for a relationship. If you’re in a similar place and looking for companionship, please send me an e-mail.”

I’m happy to answer other questions about this or anything else, but I hope to leave Buckeyes Boy behind this week and moving on to sex questions and The Baron! xoxo

New strategies

"Buckeyes" Boy hadn't paid for his parking tickets. He hadn't unblocked me from Twitter. He hadn't found an hour or two in almost three weeks to actually break up with me in person! We had been living together for almost three months! What kind of person treats someone like this?

But now, he hoped I was well and thought, "we definitely need to catch up…if we're going to try and be friends…[or] for closure." (Huh. Ya think? Isn't actually talking in person a key component in Adult Break Ups 101?) And, he was still signing his e-mails to me as "Me." Me? Seriously?!? What used to be adorable was now just patronizing!

I forwarded his latest e-mail to several friends. Their responses varied from "ignore" to "hear what he has to say" to "if he pays you for the tickets first, then you'll talk to him." I wasn't sure what I wanted to do so I kept my reply brief:

When and where are you thinking?

***

"Buckeyes" Boy went back and forth for a few brief e-mails and decided on that Sunday evening after work at a bar or restaurant between his office and my place. I wasn't sure if I could be friends with him after all he put me through, but I did want to hear what he had to say for himself.

My strategy for when we got together would be as follows:

1. Let him speak;

2. Without responding to anything he said (aside from nodding my head and the occasional "hmm"), present him with a folder with all the information that I've gathered inside. (And, yes, the anal-retentive lawyer in me would have an index and the documents divided by tabs.) Ask him if he cared to comment; and

3. Inform him that I was going to be blogging about all of this and that it would be my own personal mission to make sure that he didn't treat any other girl in the DC Twitter and Social Media community the way that he had treated me.

"Buckeyes" Boy and I had arranged to meet on December 22nd, but the Blizzard of '09 put a wrench in our plans. He let me know early in the morning that the Convention Center was closed that day. I thanked him for giving me a heads up, but sighed to myself in relief. I realized that I was happy that we weren't meeting. Why was I feeling that way?

I slept on it to give myself time to process, and when I awoke, the answer was clear to me:

I had absolutely no desire to see him. He was a master manipulator, and I didn't want to sit in front of him and get dragged deeper into his web of lies. What was the point?

I exhaled deeply and sent him the following e-mail:

It's clear that you knew you were never coming back to my place when you packed up all of your stuff. Given that we had talked about our relationship problems on numerous occasions before that, I wish you had just been straight with me about your plan.

I opened my heart and my home to you. I celebrated your successes and took care of you when you were sick. I paid for everything for you for 2 1/2 months to my own financial detriment. By choosing to end things how you did, you disrespected me.

I found out over the past two weeks that you have lied to me about several matters. I can't be friends with someone who takes advantage of me and lies to me.

I also don't see the point to talk to get closure. Please don't contact me again.

***

With that e-mail, I let the majority of my anger and sadness go. The guy I fell in love with didn't exist so how could I miss him? I trusted that he would respect my wishes, and that our story would end with that e-mail.

And, it did…

until 9pm…

on New Year's Eve.

Just Call Me Carrie

I woke up on November 30, 2009, feeling confused and unappreciated. Buckeyes Boy hadn’t come through yet again last night. I wanted to e-mail him, but sensed that he needed some space. He was in Maryland, having brunch with his Dad and his Dad’s wife and then they were off to the Steelers-Ravens game that evening. There was a lot for us to talk about with respect to the future of our relationship, but I knew that face-to-face would be best.

I decided that if I hadn’t heard from Buckeyes Boy by Monday night, I would send him an e-mail. I’m cutting and pasting what I had in my computer from that day, although this was not a letter that I ever sent:

***
Dear Buckeyes Boy,

I think back to the first month when we were together. The amount of time that we were able to spend together that month was surreal, but I don’t think that the feelings that we shared were. I’ve realized that what I miss the most about that time wasn’t the fact that we were always together (although that was really nice), but that you were so kind and loving. I never questioned how you felt about me because you always told me and showed me. I didn’t hesitate to open up my heart and my home to you because I looked in your eyes and saw my future.

When you got your job, I was so excited for you. And, since then, the girlfriend in me has tried to make your life easier. To respect that you don’t have a lot of free time. To respect that you also need time with your family and friends. To be there for you and take care of you as much as I can.

You told me a few weeks ago that I’m the type of person who doesn’t just say how I feel, but I go above and beyond to show you how I feel. I think I’ve done that where you are concerned.

I guess I’m not sure what changed from your perspective. I could speculate as to what you are feeling or where you are coming from, but I can only judge you by your actions. Spending time with me and including me in on the other areas of your life clearly haven’t been your priorities. And, the caring and loving side of you isn’t that visible anymore. That makes me feel sad and disappointed.

I wish you would let me know what you are feeling. I will do whatever I can to make this relationship work. But, I also know that I can’t be the only half of the couple making an effort. I feel like you used me when it was convenient for you, and now that you have more going on, you expect everything to happen how you want it when you want it. That is not fair to me, though, and is disrespectful of my needs and my feelings.

Last night, I really wanted to see you. If you had told me earlier that you didn’t want to go out, I would have been disappointed, but I would have understood. If you had called me to let me know what was going on and let me know that we would go out soon and that you missed me, I would have also felt better.

Instead, you e-mail me at a late hour…after you had clearly made plans with your Dad…to let me know that we’ll “catch up soon.” We’re in a relationship, and that’s not cool. It also occurred to me that there have been several times in which you have been home sick or exhausted and when your friends needed you or there was a social thing going on, you rallied. And, yet, last night, when there was a reason for me to celebrate and I asked you to rally for me, you didn’t. If you’re wondering how that makes me feel, “less than” and “shitty” are the words that come to mind.
***

I didn’t write anymore since tears were streaming down my eyes by this point. For 2 1/2 months, I had given Buckeyes Boy everything I had (emotionally, physically and financially). And, now, I was sitting at home, hoping that he would call me on the phone. How pathetic was that?

I talked with several girlfriends that day, and we all agreed that it was time for Buckeyes Boy to man up! And, as we all know, manning up if it didn’t involve sex wasn’t Buckeyes Boy’s strong suit.

I slept soundly on Sunday night. I started to realize what I deserved and knew I needed to have a “Come to Jesus” talk with Buckeyes Boy. He had an event that night, but I figured that I would hear from him afterward.

Around lunchtime, I was online, when my phone rang. It was the billing representative from my doctor’s office, calling to tell me that I had paid too much.

Billing Representative: Would you like us to send you a check for $30 or to credit your account?

Me: I don’t know. Whatever you think would make sense.

Billing Representative: Well…

I was half listening since it wasn’t a big deal and refreshed my computer. I clicked on the tab for Twitter and noticed that my followers had decreased by one (which happens with spam filters). But, then, I saw that I was following one less person, too.

My heart began to beat fast, and I was short of breath. My hand trembled a bit. I typed Buckeyes Boy’s real name into the search box and pressed ‘Enter.’

Me: Umm…I have some other stuff going on right now. Can you just credit my account?

Billing Representative: Of course. If you change your mind, just let us know.

Me: Thanks.

I was staring at my computer screen, and my body began to shake. There, under the photo of Buckeyes Boy was the box marked “Follow.” And, to the right hand column of his page, I had two options: Block or Report for Spam with no option to Message him.

I picked up the phone to call Julie, even though we had just gotten off the phone an hour ago.

Julie: Hey, what’s up?

Me: I think Buckeyes Boy just broke up with me…by blocking me from Twitter!!!

[Tears fill my eyes.]

Julie: Are you kidding?!? How juvenile!

Me: I think so because my followers and following both went down one. Let me check. [I scroll through the people I’m following.] I’m no longer following him. [I scroll through the people he follows, which takes a couple of minutes.] Nope. He’s no longer following me either.

Julie: That’s ridiculous!

Me: I know! I’m 36, and my boyfriend broke up with me ON TWITTER!!! What the fuck?!? It’s like I really am Carrie Bradshaw! This is the 2009 version of the Post-It note!

For once, I wished that my life didn’t make for good blogging.

Is this the end of the tale with Buckeyes Boy? Of course not. Just call me Carrie.

Prioritizing

The patterns of late in my relationship with Buckeyes Boy were unhealthy. Somehow we went from dominant and submissive in the bedroom to dominant and submissive outside of the bedroom. I was getting tired of being so deferential to him all the time…of catering to his every need when my basic needs were barely being met…of paying for everything when he had been at work for over a month now.

Then, just when I felt like I was going to lose it around him and go off on all that had been weighing on me, he would say something that would make me feel like maybe we could get past this.

Buckeyes Boy [after finding all these things I had gotten him]: I’ve never met anyone as thoughtful as you. I make some comments in passing about how my razor bumps are irritating and that I use hand sanitizer at work, and the next thing I know, you get me a whole facial cleansing system and a packet of hand sanitizers.

Me: You’re welcome, baby. That’s what I do for the people I love.

Buckeyes Boy: But, I don’t think you realize how few people do that. Thank you for being so patient with me with all the changes from the new job. I know this hasn’t been easy on you, but I really appreciate everything. [We kiss.]

Our relationship was (thankfully) not abusive, but I started to recognize the honeymoon stage that followed our fights. One night, he was saying that I was jealous and controlling, and the next night he would tell me how wonderful I was. A part of me wondered if the pendulum would stop swinging back and forth and if we could just…be.

In late November 2009, I was talking to my friend, AP, about the latest round of ups and downs with Buckeyes Boy.

Me: I give us a 50/50 chance of making it through New Year’s.

AP: Really? He adores you. I think you guys will work it out. He just needs to get into a routine at work first. But, at least you know you are ready!

Me: For what? [Pause.] Marriage?

AP: Yeah.

Me [laughing out loud]: I don’t know. I’m willing to stick it out with Buckeyes Boy because I love him and because of how good we were in the beginning. But, if you tell me I’m single again, I don’t think I’m going to be in a rush to get into another relationship. You know me…when did I ever talk about getting married before Buckeyes Boy?

AP [laughing]: Umm…never! When you told us that you guys were planning your wedding, I almost got whiplash! I thought the aliens had gotten you. [We both crack up.]

Me: Exactly. I know I want to be a mom. I don’t know that I want to be a wife. I’ll ride things out with Buckeyes Boy, but if we break up, I’m not sure if I see just looking for one guy to be with forever. I don’t know if that’s my thing.

Buckeyes Boy came home that evening and was up sick most of the night. I tried to do what I could to make him feel more comfortable, but some things just need to run their course. He had off the following day and gave me the heads up that two friends were having parties. As was the norm, he didn’t invite me to join him so I decided to make my own plans.

I figured that he would sleep in since he was sick most of the night, but he headed out in the morning to meet his sister for coffee. When he returned, the Ohio State-Michigan game was on, but he went back to bed since he wasn’t feeling well. (The fact that he wasn’t interested in the game as a former Buckeyes football player confused me, though.) I got him some ginger ale and some over-the-counter stuff and tucked him in.

As Buckeyes Boy and I were talking in bed, the topic of porn came up. He knew the actresses that I enjoyed, but I didn’t know whom he liked.

Me: When you are by yourself, who do you fantasize about?

Buckeyes Boy: Well, no one really.

Me: There’s not a porn star or an actress that you think about or like to watch when you are getting off?

Buckeyes Boy: I just don’t really do that.

Me: You don’t masturbate? [He nods.] I’m calling bull shit on that one.

Buckeyes Boy: Why would I do that when I can just go to a club and leave with a girl?

Me [biting my tongue from asking him why he was an almost 32-year-old man acting like he was still in college]: Really? Well, I thought you had said that you were a relationship guy.

Buckeyes Boy: I am. But when I’m not in a relationship, I’m gonna go out to take care of that. What guy wouldn’t do it that way?

Me: So…after you left Toronto [and the girl he was dating up there] and before we met, that’s what you did?

Buckeyes Boy: Yeah.

Me [as my eyes get really wide]: You sooo didn’t tell me that! You made it sound like you were all about relationships! Dare I ask if you used condoms with these women?

Buckeyes Boy: Of course.

Me: All the time? [He nods.] You definitely spun the whole, “I’m a relationship guy,” to your advantage. You made it sound like you hadn’t been with anyone since you left Toronto.

Buckeyes Boy: What if I go on your blog and read about the guys that you were with before we started dating?

Me: Go on it! You were the only person I slept with since I broke up with Lawyer Boy last Thanksgiving! I’ve had one one-night stand in a decade! I just wish you had told me this back in September.

Buckeyes Boy: What did you expect? Any guy who is good-looking enough to go into a bar and get a girl is going to do exactly the same thing!

As we rolled over to take a nap, I felt unsettled. I didn’t even bring up how he told me he had been tested for HIV when he arrived in DC and whether or not that was a lie. I just knew I needed to get tested again.

I woke up before Buckeyes Boy did, and there ended up being a change in my plans for the evening. I wasn’t going to Virginia, but rather, having dinner with my friend, Tina, in Adams Morgan. As it turned out, Buckeyes Boy’s parties that night were in Adams Morgan and U Street. Even though he had been sick a lot over the past 24 hours, he was still going to try to go out.

Me: Well, your stuff should be starting around the time that my stuff ends. If you want to grab a drink or meet up since we’ll both be in the same area, let me know. I could just come by for the first hour or so and then I’d leave you all so I can work on my thesis. Or, if you decide not to go out and you need anything, just call me. I should be home by 10 at the latest, but I can leave early if you need me to.

Buckeyes Boy: Okay. I’ll let you know.

I hadn’t heard from Buckeyes Boy when I was out with Tina so I headed home just before 10. I assumed that he had decided not to go out or else I would’ve heard from him. My assumptions were proven wrong, though, when I got off the elevator on my floor. The air was filled with the aroma of Buckeyes Boy’s cologne.

“I just missed him!” I thought to myself. “That fucker didn’t even call me!”

Sure enough, I went inside, and he was gone. I called Tina with tears streaming down my eyes.

“This is ridiculous! I take care of his ass all night and now he’s out with friends who don’t know that I even exist and he doesn’t even let me come along for a drink?!?”

“You need to sit down and talk to him,” Tina said.

I agreed with her, but I also wondered if talking to him would even register. He always belittled my attempts to talk about our relationship problems, or he would deflect the conversation to make me feel like I was in the wrong, jealous and insecure.

As the clock went from 10pm to 2am, I got progressively more upset. I thought about telling him to pack his stuff up, call his sister, and get out of my place. I thought about leaving his stuff outside my apartment door. But, I realized that he would be coming home after a night of drinking and that wasn’t the right time to get into a relationship discussion or end things so abruptly.

When Buckeyes Boy got back, he was buzzed and clearly had no idea that I might be mad at him. I just kissed him hello and went back to bed. In the morning, he was Mr. Friendly as he got ready for work, thanking me for taking care of him and telling me how much fun he had the previous evening.

Buckeyes Boy: I don’t think I can go out tonight since the event will be a late one, but maybe Monday night? [I nod my head.] I know that you wanted to go out before I leave for Georgia, and I definitely want to do that.

Me: Okay.

We walked out of the apartment building, and after I kissed him and went on my way with Nutter, I found myself rolling my eyes. In contrast with the past month, I wasn’t sad anymore. As I continued around Rock Creek Parkway, I tried to figure out why. My call with AP had me thinking:

I’ve been putting my goal on hold for Buckeyes Boy. And, I had to ask myself if he was worth doing that for.

“What goal?” you might be asking.

Being a Mom. I had told myself in 2008 that if two things happened in 2009 (I moved into a 2-bedroom apartment, and my health was stable), I would start the process to adopt an older child in 2010. Both of those important pieces were in place, but now, with Buckeyes Boy on the scene, I was putting his needs and goals before mine.

I decided to ride it out with Buckeyes Boy for six more weeks to see if he stepped up. If things didn’t markedly change by the time 2010 rolled around (and yes, I knew that I needed to play a role in standing up for myself), then the Ball in Times Square wasn’t the only thing that would be dropped.

The light bulb

My game of Chutes and Ladders with Buckeyes Boy continued. There seemed to be a direct correlation between his work schedule, his mood and his health. When he didn’t have a day off all week, he was exhausted, sick and not the nicest guy to be around. We would still talk and have sex, but the overwhelming stress of his job sucked the life and the light out of him. He got his dream job, but at what price? Could he continue at this pace? Could we?

Around election time in November 2009, Buckeyes Boy asked me a question about local politics. I was in the zone, working on my thesis, so I just answered his question briefly.

Buckeyes Boy: Don’t you even know what’s going on in your own city? I need to get you more involved in politics.

I just looked at him and shrugged. A few days later, I relayed the story to my friend, Nicole, and her big, beautiful brown eyes got so wide that she looked like a deer in headlights.

Nicole [laughing hysterically]: Is he kidding? You must have really kept quiet the past few months.

I thought about her comment, and realized that she was right. I had kept quiet about a lot. Buckeyes Boy is a smart guy, and he respects my intellect, but I had been downplaying my accomplishments and intelligence around him. It was odd for me to realize how I had made myself so deferential to him that he didn’t even know that I had come to DC for a Political Science Internship, let alone how many protests and marches in which I had participated.

All that changed, however, when he brought up a topic relating to my specific field of practice. I launched into a 30-minute diatribe about the flaws with our legal system and current policies. He listened and asked follow-up questions, but I sensed that he was surprised. I also realized that I had been “dumbing myself down” around Buckeyes Boy. I needed to stop doing that and find a way to be supportive of him without dismissing my own strengths and accomplishments.

The week before Thanksgiving, Buckeyes Boy had to work 80 hours without a day off, which took a toll on him and us. I tried to focus on how the glass was half-full. But, I became rather salty when I saw on Twitter that: 1) he had given Susan a tour of his office; and 2) he went out with friends for drinks after work without letting me know in advance. For me, that was a Double Whammy!

He could tell I was upset at him when he came home, but he didn’t know why.

Me: Really? There’s nothing you did today that might upset me. (And, yes, that was totally the passive-aggressive way to approach the matter.)

Buckeyes Boy: [Pause.] Oh, that Susan came to the Convention Center?

Me: Ya think?!?

Buckeyes Boy: Well, she was down there. What was I supposed to do?

Me: I don’t mind you having lunch with your friends or showing them around. But, I had told you before that it’s important to me that your friends know I exist and that I see your office before other girls do.

Buckeyes Boy [raising his voice]: She was down there for work! What does it matter who I show around my office?

Me: I could see if we hadn’t talked about this before, but we did. This matters to me. And, how do you think it makes me feel to find this all out on Twitter?

Buckeyes Boy: You are so jealous!

Me: No. I’m not jealous of you being friends with other girls. It just makes me feel like you don’t care about me when I tell you something and you don’t appreciate where I’m coming from. I get that people are down near your office. I just don’t get why you wouldn’t show me around before other girls when we talked about this.

Buckeyes Boy: This doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t like this at all! And, Susan’s the person you should least be worried about! What about the other girls who I’ve shown around the office who didn’t Tweet about it?

(I could tell that he was just trying to get under my skin with that one so I didn’t directly respond to that. I know the girls to whom he was referring, but the girls weren’t the problem here.)

Me: I don’t care that you have friends who are girls and that you spend time with them. I care about the fact that I’m trying to be a part of your world like you are a part of mine, and you won’t let me in. You make me feel like I’m asking you for these outlandish things, when I’m asking for very little! [I’m crying enough by this point that I need to get a tissue.] Remember how you told me about your girl in Charlotte and how you had a relationship of convenience? [Pause.] Is that how you see me?

Buckeyes Boy [raising his voice]: That’s ridiculous! I can’t believe that you would use my past against me! What if I went on your blog and asked you about whether you were cheating on me because you cheated on other guys in the past?

(Technically, I was the other woman, not the cheater, but I decided not to argue about semantics.)

Me: Go on my blog if you want! I haven’t been with anyone since Lawyer Boy other than you, and I’ve already written posts about how I feel things for you that I’ve never felt for anyone before. I just need to know that you feel the same about me.

Buckeyes Boy: I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. If I didn’t want to be with you, I would tell you.

Our tones and words softened, and we kissed and made up. He told me that he wanted to have me come to the Convention Center after the holiday. That made me smile, but I still wasn’t comfortable with our exchange. When we fought, I always ended up apologizing for being insecure or for upsetting him. I was the submissive one in all aspects of our relationships, even when he was in the wrong or when I was asking him for things that are normal in an adult relationship.

After our conversation, I went outside to walk Nutter and called my friend, Julie. She said:

You are one of the most loving and generous people I know. You have the biggest heart, and always try to make everyone else happy. You deserve someone who appreciates how wonderful you are and who will try to make you as happy as you make him. You keep telling me that you love him, but lately, you’re always in tears when you talk about him. When was the last time he did anything nice for you?

Me: Umm. [Pause.] I don’t know. [Pause.] Going to dinner? Of course, I was the one who had to pay and then he got more parking tickets. When he came home early so we could watch Love Actually? [Pause.] Yeah, it’s been a while.

Julie: Now when was the last time you did something nice for him?

Me: [Pause.] A few hours ago. (I had made sure that I had his favorite Shiraz and cupcakes in for when he got home from work.) He shouldn’t get points for being nice 10 days ago, huh?

Julie: You deserve someone who will be good to you.

Me: I know that. I just need to get up the strength to tell him that.

The following day, I talked to several more friends about my relationship with Buckeyes Boy. The general consensus was that he didn’t appreciate me and that he was taking advantage of my generosity. After hearing that from five friends in one day, a light bulb went off in my head.

Buckeyes Boy needed to step up. Things were going to have to change.

An Oral Quandary

A friend approached me at an event last week in search of my advice about a situation with his girlfriend.

Friend: So, my girlfriend doesn't like giving me oral sex. I don't know if she had a traumatic experience or not so I don't want to pressure her, but I really like blow jobs.

Me [nodding knowingly]: Rightfully so. Did you ask her why she doesn't go down on you?

Friend: Yeah. She just said that it's not her thing.

Me: Do you go down on her?

Friend: All the time. It's the only way that she can get off.

Me: Have you asked her why it's not her thing?

Friend: No, I don't want to be insensitive. I knew you were going to ask me that. [We laugh.]

Me: Are you guys serious?

Friend: Yes. We've been together for several months. I wouldn't worry about it if we weren't.

I gave him the short version of my answer at the event, but I thought I should post the longer answer here. (And, for those of you girls who have trouble getting your guy to go downtown, most of these answers should work in reverse.)

1. Pick a time to communicate with your significant other when sex isn't on the agenda. Don't broach the subject when you are in bed or in the shower since that would just add pressure or expectations to the situation. Bring it up when you have time to talk and listen;

2. Be honest and thoughtful of the other person. This subject is on your mind, but it might not be on her mind. To paraphrase what I told my friend to say to his girlfriend, "You had mentioned a while back that you don't like giving blow jobs. I feel like it's important for us as a couple to talk about this. I love you and want to understand where you are coming from since I really enjoy the act and see it as very intimate. If you don't want to talk tonight, that's okay, though. We can talk about it more after you've given this some thought;" and

3. Respect that maybe your girlfriend doesn't know or can't articulate what she doesn't like about oral sex. When she is able to give you her response, delve into the matter further with sensitivity;

a. Is smell an issue? If so, what if you try it first in the shower so she knows that your cock is clean? (Note: be sure to rinse off after soaping up since the taste of even the mildest of soaps isn't pleasant.);

b. Is she worried that she will gag? Assure her that you won't thrust and that she can take your cock in her mouth at her pace and in the position that is most comfortable for her;

c. If she's unsure of what to do, what if you bought a sex book or attended a workshop with a sex educator? Or, check out one of my blow job posts or other info on the Internet? (Be mindful of the fact that she may or may not want to do this research with you.)

If and when she's ready to try giving you a blow job, let her know by your touch and your voice when you are enjoying a particular move. We all like gold stars; and

d. If she's unsure if she wants to swallow, don't push that. Wait until she feels more comfortable with the act before you discuss the possibility of adding that level of difficulty/stress/confusion to the mix. Let her know that you will tell her before you cum so that she can remove her mouth from your cock.

If you sense that she has had some traumatic experience with a blow job in the past, proceed cautiously and lovingly. (And, by trauma, I'm referring to something that evokes tears or anger.) Give her a hug, tell her you love her no matter what, and suggest that she speak with a health care professional to process her feelings.

What thoughts do you have for my friend? Have you encountered or felt anything similar?

I’m a 1950s housewife!

I am giver. A nurturer. I take care of the people in my life. How did those qualities manifest themselves when Buckeyes Boy went back to work in October 2009? I turned into a housewife from the 1950s.

When Buckeyes Boy arrived home from work, I would offer to hang up his jacket and ask him what he wanted to drink. As I poured his beer or wine, I would place cupcakes or cookies on a plate for him to eat. (If I had an apron and blonde hair, you might wonder if I was June Cleaver!)

One of my friends visited us for a weekend and observed how Buckeyes Boy and I interact. He commented to his boyfriend that he was a bit taken aback by our relationship. According to his boyfriend, he was surprised that “a strong woman like [City Girl] would act so subservient.”

(“Subservient” definitely has negative connotations. It makes me happy to make the people I love happy so I don’t see being a caregiver as an obligation, but rather a privilege. Yes, I have very nontraditional views about sex, but when it comes to relationships, I’m actually very traditional. I try to date guys who appreciate both sides of my personality and who respect that I choose to care for them. I like to be a wanna-be porn star in the bedroom, but I’m comfortable being subservient or deferential in other personal settings. Putting myself in your shoes as a reader, though, I understand if I’m catching you off guard.)

So, Buckeyes Boy worked 12-hour days and was lucky if he got one day off a week. He might not eat anything until dinnertime at which point he rushed to grab something quick before whatever event was being held that night at the Convention Center. When he came home at 10pm, he was exhausted, yet needed time to unwind. By the time he fell asleep, it was 2 or 3am and then he had to wake up at 8am.

The combination of lack of sleep, poor diet and long hours caused Buckeyes Boy to be sick — a lot. More often than not, he would arrive home with a headache, sore throat or an upset stomach. Or, we would be watching TV and he would fall asleep sitting up while listening to a Pod Cast. I did what I could to help him feel better by getting him tea with honey…or Motrin…or Imodium…or a pillow. I empathize when someone I care about is sick, and my nurturing side kicks into overdrive when my man is the patient.

Buckeyes Boy would thank me after I helped him out in any regard, but the following conversation warmed my heart:

“I’ve never met anyone like you,” Buckeyes Boy said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“A lot of people say they love you or they care about you, but you don’t just say it. You show it. All the time,” he explained.

“Of course I do. I don’t want you to forget that for a minute, and it makes me happy to make you happy,” I told him.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me,” he said as he moved in for a kiss.

I kissed him back and smiled to myself. June Cleaver would be proud!

It’s Friday and I’m still in love

Friday, September 18, 2009

Buckeyes Boy and I couldn't stop smiling and giggling as we got in my car to go to Safeway. I hoped that my wallet was there, but the store manager said that no one had turned anything in that evening. We walked back to the car.

Me: Did you search all over the car? [Buckeyes Boy nods. I crouch down to look more and sure enough, my wallet is under the floor mat.]

Me: Did you look here? [I pull up the wallet to show him, laughing.]

Buckeyes Boy: I did! It wasn't there. [We laugh and I go around the car to hug him.]

Me: I'm just happy I found it. [I kiss him.] At least one of us has a credit card now! [He had lost his wallet that week.] Let's go inside and get some stuff.

Grocery shopping is rarely fun so it might sound odd to say that we had a great time in the supermarket! We were in the first aid aisle, looking at things to help heal the colony of cold sores on my bottom lip.

Buckeyes Boy: Let me call Nikki [his younger sister]. She had a huge cold sore last month and put some patch on it and it was gone overnight.

His phone didn't have service in the store (we were far from the city, after all) so he borrowed mine and left her a message.

Me: You realize that Nikki is so going to call Tina [his older sister] tomorrow, saying that you just called her about your new girl's cold sore! [We start cracking up, as he hands me back my phone.]

Me: Umm…you didn't end the call!

Buckeyes Boy: What? [Our eyes get really big as we wonder if our conversation and laughter just ended up in the voicemail.]

We were laughing so hard by this point that we had tears in our eyes. He had told me that his sisters never approved of the fact that he dated white women, and we both wondered if the "Cold Sore Call" would just exacerbate the situation.

Nikki called him back in a few minutes and told him which cold sore remedy she used. She didn't mention anything about the message or our discussion afterward. Maybe she just called him right back without listening to everything? Hopefully…

When Buckeyes Boy and I stopped laughing, we returned to shopping. In one aisle, I decided to do a little provocative dance for him with my scarf. He seemed to enjoy it, but I had to bring things down to a PG-13 rating when a teenage bag boy walked down the aisle.

We went down another aisle and Buckeyes Boy stopped me. He put his hands on my face, smiled and looked me in the eyes. He thanked me for dinner and for helping him out since he didn't have his credit card. He told me that he's never met anyone like me…that he feels like he's the lucky one…and how great the past eight days had been.

I was so touched by what he said that I started crying right there in the supermarket. We stayed in the middle of the aisle for a few minutes, hugging and kissing. And, it might just have been the fluorescent lights, but I think I saw his eyes getting watery, too.

Me: I love how we can go from laughing so hard that we have tears in our eyes in one aisle to a heartfelt discussion in another. I also love how you are a strong black man, but you are also comfortable enough to lean on me. [After my experience with Philly Matt, I really liked the fact that Buckeyes Boy didn't feel emasculated if I paid for things.]

We kissed again. (And, yes, all of our kisses were with really open mouths so my yucky bottom lip didn't touch his lips.)

We finished our shopping and headed home. It didn't take us long to get back into bed. I loved our lazy mornings of great sex and long showers together – I could definitely get used to this!

When we were in the shower, I almost asked him to pinch me because it felt like I was dreaming. Everything was perfect!