dating

And a miss!

Improv Boy had just informed me that he didn’t want to come upstairs with me because he didn’t think we had a future together. I stood outside my building with a confused expression on my face. I kept waiting for the punch line.

Me: Did I miss something?

Improv Boy: Well, I really support your decision to adopt, but I don’t want to be a father again.

Me: Ooookay. Where is this coming from? [I had told him about my plans to adopt two weeks ago.]

Improv Boy: I’m the type of person who just has to let you know what I’m feeling.

Me: Is this a joke?

Improv Boy: No. I also don’t know that we have the best chemistry.

Me: I won’t disagree, but I was of the mindset to let things evolve naturally. [Pause.] Wait a minute, if you thought all these things, why did you rush into getting tested [for HIV/STDs]? And, why did you cancel your date with that other girl on Wednesday?

Improv Boy: Well, you know I’m a relationship guy so I like to focus on the girl that I’m dating. And, it was easy enough for me to get tested.

Me: Umm…k. You were the one who made a big deal about getting tested now, though, despite the fact that I wanted to wait to get to know each other better. If you felt this way, why didn’t you just tell me this earlier? We didn’t need to go to the game together. [Pause.] I introduced you to my friends tonight! This is embarrassing!

Improv Boy: This isn’t about them. No one needs to know anything. Oh, except you’ll blog about everything.

Me: I just wish you had told me sooner.

Improv Boy: When would you have rather I told you?

Me: Before you decided to buy tickets…when you came over for lunch today…at the game…

Improv Boy [interrupting]: You would have rather I told you at the game?

Me: Yeah, I would have. I would have just hung out with my friends then. [I neglect to mention that two other guys had texted me during the game.]

Improv Boy: You wouldn’t have liked that. That would have made it more embarrassing for you, I’m sure. Besides, I didn’t realize until we were heading home.

Me: In the cab? This makes no sense!

Improv Boy: I’m being honest with you and asking you to respect my feelings. I had hoped that you would be able to do that.

Throughout our conversation, several neighbors walked past us, saying hello and stopping so that I could pet their dogs.

Me: Can we just talk about this upstairs?

Improv Boy: I don’t feel comfortable going upstairs with you.

Me: Are you kidding me? [This came from a guy who stayed over my place after our first date.]

Improv Boy: No. I can’t fake my feelings and it wouldn’t be right.

Me: Even just to talk? Not have sex.

Improv Boy: No.

Me: So, we’re just going to keep doing this outside my building as my neighbors keep walking by?

Improv Boy: Yes. No one is paying attention.

Me: It’s definitely distracting, though. I still don’t understand how you won’t even come upstairs. I wish you had told me this at a different time.

Improv Boy: I’m asking you to respect me and what I’m saying.

Me: I respect what you’re saying. I just don’t respect when you decided to say it. It just doesn’t make sense.

Improv Boy: When would you have rather I told you?

Me: Either before we went to the game or tomorrow morning.

Improv Boy: You would have rather I told you after spending the night at your place? I don’t believe that!

Me: Yes, I would’ve. I’m like a guy in that regard. We had a plan, and I would’ve preferred if you had followed through with the plan.

Improv Boy: I’m not like that. I could never be disrespectful like that.

Me: But, you’re disrespectful enough to break up with me in front of my building as my neighbors keep walking by?

The conversation continued like that for another five minutes. The more he talked, the more confused I was. I wasn’t sad as much as I was shocked. When it was clear that nothing was to be gained from talking more, we parted ways.

That didn’t mean that the story was over, though. Whose blog did you think you were reading ;)? xoxo

Take me out to the ballgame

As I arrived at Nationals Park, I smiled as I recognized some of the men working security. (I used to be a regular at Washington Wizards games, and many of the guys also worked at the Verizon Center.) I exchanged a few pleasantries with two of the men who remembered me, and a thought crossed my mind:

Could I give up dating black men indefinitely to pursue my relationship with Improv Boy, a white guy?

For many, that wouldn’t be an issue. But, I’m different. I know and respect my type.

My phone vibrated with a text from Improv Boy, indicating that he, too, had just arrived at the park. I texted him my location and noticed him before he noticed me. I tried not to show my surprise at his attire. Improv Boy was wearing:

A soft denim Washington Nationals baseball cap;
A Hawaiian-style shirt from Old Navy; and
High-waisted, baggy, light denim jeans with red stitching and a couple of holes in the legs that were not put there by the jeans company.

I realize that I might sound like a snob, and that’s not my intention. It wasn’t about how much money he spent on his clothes or that he was wearing jeans and a shirt. (We were at a baseball game, after all.) But rather, it seemed like Improv Boy didn’t care much about his appearance. He had mentioned to me before that he’s a “minimalist.” But, there’s a difference between being a minimalist and looking like you just came from a keg party.

When Abigail, our mutual friend, saw Improv Boy, she asked:

What’s up with the Blossom jeans?

I tried to stifle my laughter, but I just couldn’t. Yes, Improv Boy was wearing jeans straight out of the ’90s television show, Blossom. As Joey Lawrence would say, “Whoa!“

The pre-game activities were a bit of sensory overload for me. Add sensory overload to my already heightened senses – thanks, Post-Concussion Syndrome – and I was sick within three minutes of entering the park. I let Improv Boy know that he could enjoy beers and live music with the group, but he insisted on walking me to our seats and lovingly holding my head. He stayed just like that for 20 minutes, refusing to get up even though he was starving and needed to go to the bathroom.

Maybe I could handle the Blossom jeans, after all?

With each inning, I began to feel better. Improv Boy continued to take care of me and was kind to my friends, buying them a round of drinks. Improv Boy also gave me space so I could socialize. Quite a few people in the group commented that they could tell how much Improv Boy liked me by how well he treated me. That was nice to hear, even though deep down, I already knew that!

At certain points during the game, Improv Boy and I relaxed and talked while we watched the Nationals hold their own. We discussed going to the beach later in the summer, watching World Cup and NFL games together, and a few naughty items that were on our to-do list ;)! That part of the evening was fun and easy.

But, some of the evening was rather awkward. During the game, Improv Boy sat between Abigail and me. Four of my girlfriends were seated in front of us. In the first inning, Improv Boy asked us:

So…how do you play this game?

[One girlfriend and I look at him with a confused expression on our faces.]

Where do you kick the ball?

I realized that he was joking and rolled my eyes at him. I also made a comment that he might not want to say that in front of a group of girls who know their sports.

But, that didn’t stop him from repeating that bit again in the fourth inning…and the eighth…to the same audience! I let him know that it wasn’t funny the first time.

I also noticed that every 10 minutes or so, he would say something to the group to try to get their attention or make them laugh. That worked about 20% of the time. The rest of the time, I saw the girls in the row in front of me, rolling their eyes and biting their tongues.

Improv Boy was so much fun to be around at the Happy Hour at Clyde’s, but tonight, it felt like he was trying too hard. I wondered which side of his personality was the more dominant. If I’m dating a guy, I’d like him to be able to join me in a variety of social settings without having to worry that he’ll annoy people.

As the game ended, Improv Boy and I moved to the bar to watch the fireworks over Nationals Park. He put one arm around my waist and massaged my neck with his other hand. We chatted to one of my friends about the meal that I made for him. Improv Boy complimented my cooking and said that he would gladly make the next dinner for us.

There were some ups and downs to the evening, but the night seemed to end on a high note. Little did I know that there would be more fireworks in store for me – outside of the park.

To be continued…

Feeling safe

Improv Boy and I never talked about whether we were a couple, but we definitely interacted as though we were in a relationship. The dynamic between us felt good and easy so I just tried to roll with it. Whatever was meant to be would be anyway, right?

During one conversation, I told Improv Boy that I had been meditating, when I decided to contact him out of the blue. (He had emailed me regularly back in March, but I wasn’t interested in him so I stopped replying.) I then learned that Improv Boy had thought that I was incredibly rude for not responding to his initial email.

Improv Boy: Girls don’t appreciate how tough it is for us guys. It takes a lot of courage to ask a girl out. And, I did that, and you didn’t even write back. That’s why I wrote the second email, saying that it would be terribly rude of me to have mistakenly sent an email to the wrong person. [He pulls up the email that he had sent me on his iPhone.]

Me: I don’t get it.

Improv Boy: That was my way of saying that YOU were rude.

Me: Oh, really? [I view that behavior as passive-aggressive, but I also respect from where he was coming. I hadn’t been responsive to his emails.]

Improv Boy: When you emailed me after a month about meeting up at Clyde’s, I called Jen [an ex-girlfriend with whom he’s still close friends] to ask if she thought I should go. I didn’t know if I should give you a chance since you had acted so rudely toward me at first. And, I didn’t want to be at a bar with all of your lawyer friends. [I laughed out loud since very few of my close friends are attorneys, which he now knows.] But, Jen convinced me that if I felt enough of a connection to ask you out in the first place, I should meet you for a drink.

Me [kissing him]: Well, I’m glad that you did. [We kiss again.] Really glad.

We smiled and giggled to each other about how everything had transpired. Improv Boy also informed me that he had plans to go out with another girl that week, but that he had canceled the date because of me. That made me smile since I had done the same exact thing with Mr. Attorney.

Improv Boy: I’m traditional, and I prefer to date just one person at a time.

Me: Yeah, me too.

[Now, in the past, that wouldn’t have been the case. But, I was in a much different place now.]

The following day, Improv Boy texted me from the doctor’s office to let me know that he was getting tested for HIV/STDs. He also wrote me the following:

My doctor told me I’m not allowed to date lawyers. He married one. He said I should run!

Normally, the commitment-phobe in me would have been concerned that he talked about me with his doctor and used the word, “marriage,” even in jest. But, I decided not to read too much into any of that and just wrote, “lol,” in response. We were dating. He had a good heart. That’s all that mattered.

The following day, we had planned to go to see a Washington Nationals game with friends. The weather was perfect for a baseball game, as is often the case in DC in May. Improv Boy had bought our tickets in advance and offered to drop mine off since we would be arriving at the game separately.

Me: I don’t mind waiting in front of the stadium for you.

Improv Boy: Why should you have to wait, though? I’m happy to drop your ticket off at your place so you can just go the seats when you arrive.

I smiled, thinking how nice it was to be dating such a caring guy. When he arrived at my place, we began to make out in the foyer…then the living room…and then the kitchen. (That was definitely becoming a pattern for us.) I was packing him up the rest of the Chicken Parmigiana for lunch, when he said:

If the game is too much for you [given that I have Post-Concussion Syndrome], just say the word and we can leave.

Me [smiling again at his kindness]: I should be fine.

Improv Boy: I hope you are, but if you’re not, we can leave at any time and just come home and have sex.

I paused before responding since he knew that I wanted to wait a few more weeks before adding sex into the mix.

Me: Well, it’s not the 29th yet.

Improv Boy [smiling like a giddy school boy]: But I got tested yesterday!

Me: It’s not like you have the results yet, though…

Improv Boy [interrupting me]: But, I will on Monday!

Me: We can talk about it then. See you tonight and thanks for the tickets.

I decided to let the sex issue go for a few days and just focus on this evening. I had a feeling that it was going to be a great night!

Giving things a chance

I had just realized that I had been mistakenly texting my high school boyfriend, Boston Christian, all afternoon, instead of the guy that I was currently dating, Improv Boy. Boston Christian had played along in a manner that was mostly funny, a tad embarrassing and rather surprising given the fact that he was married. I also didn’t know what to say to Improv Boy about the day’s events, as he was standing in front of me.

As my cheeks reddened, I laughed out loud numerous times. When I explained the story to Improv Boy, he chuckled uncomfortably. Throughout the evening, I wanted to bring up how humorous I found the situation, but I didn’t. It was clear to me that Improv Boy wasn’t as entertained as I was.

When Improv Boy headed to the bathroom, I quickly texted Boston Christian.

Me: Omg!!! Rofl!!! I started dating a guy named Christian. Just realized when you wrote about a game because he’s over. So funny and so sorry! Xoxo

Boston Christian: I had a feeling… =)

I wanted to text more with Christian, but I knew that my attention should be focused on my date. I put my phone away and went back to the kitchen. While dinner was cooking in the oven, Improv Boy and I alternated between enjoying our drinks (Italian Chianti for him and diet pepsi for me) and making out. I hadn’t cooked in a while and I wasn’t sure if this recipe was a winner. But, when dinner was served, he complimented my cooking several times and even went back for seconds!

Me: I hadn’t realized how much I had missed cooking until tonight. Hopefully, I can make more meals for you in the near future.

Improv Boy: I’d like that. And, you know I love to cook so I’ll help you.

Me [smiling]: That would be nice.

We sat very close to each other as we were eating, brushing each other’s legs and kissing between bites. He then looked at me and said:

Guess what I’m doing on Thursday?

Me: I don’t know. What?

Improv Boy: Going to the doctor to get tested [for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases]!

Me: Really?

Improv Boy: Yep!

I smiled and thanked him, but I really wanted to say, “Whooooaaa! It’s way too soon for that!”

Our first one-on-one date was April 29th. When the topic of sex came up that evening, I let him know that I didn’t want to have sex until we had been together for at least a month (May 29th). And, he made an appointment to get tested on May 6th! Yes, I had a crush on him, but it just seemed premature to decide if we were in an exclusive relationship. We had only dated eight days and were still getting to know each other!

My normal reaction would have been to run or at least to retreat a bit. But, I decided to approach this situation differently. I exhaled. I would know soon enough if Improv Boy and I were a match, and I didn’t have to have sex with him if I wasn’t ready. Plus, after dating several guys who didn’t take the HIV/STD testing issue as seriously as I did, it was refreshing to find someone who felt the same way and took the initiative to get tested.

After dinner, we moved to the couch to watch a movie and resume making out. The subject then turned to more serious matters.

Improv Boy: So, I’ve noticed your Medical Alert bracelet.

Me: Yeah, I figured you did.

Improv Boy: I know you have some health stuff you’re dealing with. I used to be an EMT so I want to be able to know how to help you if you need it. Mind telling me about your conditions?

Me [taking a deep breath]: Sure.

We talked for about 15 minutes about my health issues and how he might be of assistance to me. I made sure to mention what I learned from my conversation with “Buckeyes” Boy. (I hadn’t realized until “Buckeyes” Boy had pointed it out last year that I take for granted that my new boyfriends just automatically understand what to do when my conditions act up.)

After the movie ended, Improv Boy and I also decided to go to a baseball game that Friday evening with some friends of mine. Abigail, my friend who does comedy with Improv Boy, would be there, too.

Improv Boy: Will the game be too much for you? [I have Post-Concussion Syndrome so loud noises and crowds can be very disorienting.]

Me: It might be, but it’s worth a try, right?

Improv Boy: Okay. I’ll buy the tickets.

We retired to the bedroom for me to tuck him in. As our arms and lips locked, I felt happy and safe. Yes, we had gotten close very quickly, and I didn’t know what the future would hold for us. But, I decided to give my relationship with Improv Boy a chance. He seemed worth it.

Making me blush

Several hours after Improv Boy had left my place on a Monday morning in early May, I awoke with two thoughts on my mind:

1. It was comfortable and easy to be with Improv Boy; and
2. I really didn't want to go out on a date with Mr. Attorney the following evening.

There are times in my life when I enjoy dating several different guys at once. Other times, though, I prefer to focus all of my attention on one guy. Improv Boy and I had gone out with each other several times, and I wanted to see how things would evolve.

Did my personality mesh well with Mr. Attorney? I vacillated between sending Mr. Attorney an email canceling our plans for Tuesday and telling him that I preferred not to go out with him again — ever. I decided on the former to keep my options open. Mr. Attorney was my type physically and was great on paper. Improv Boy wasn't either of those things, but treated me like a queen. I figured that I could actively pursue Improv Boy without totally closing the door on Mr. Attorney.

I sent Mr. Attorney an email, apologizing for being unable to see him. He offered to reschedule for Wednesday since he was heading out of town after that, but I said that I was unavailable. He called me, and I let it go to voicemail. I realize that wasn't the most direct approach, but I knew that the tone in my voice would convey my disinterest.

As the day progressed, I found myself thinking about Improv Boy incessantly. It was odd for me to focus on how a guy treated me, rather than my desire to have sex with him. But, with Improv Boy, it was all about how kind he was. He checked in every day to let me know he was thinking about me, he told me how beautiful I was, and he was genuinely supportive of me, my health and my goals. I don't usually fall for the good guy, but maybe it was time for that?!?

Later that afternoon, Improv Boy contacted me via Google Talk. Our unedited conversation is below:

Improv Boy: I'm starving

Me: 2 bad u aren't here. have lots of things to feed you

Improv Boy: you're incorrigible
but adorable

Me: really?
aww – now i'm blushing

Improv Boy: any night you offer to make me dinner, you'll have me there with bells on. it's not an offer I get too often

Me: me cooking…for you?
u r a comic 😉

[I used to cook all the time for my parents, but I've rarely cooked since my Mom died. I associate cooking with love.]

Improv Boy: hey, if it's prepared before I arrive, then I promise to be blissfully ignorant….

Me: if i say, i'm going to cook. i'll do it.
u have plans 2mrw night?

Improv Boy: nope

Me: dinner & dvd at my place?

Improv Boy: sounds like a plan!
i might cook, but there will b food

[I had told him earlier that I was acting like a dork where he was concerned and decided to finally tell him why.]

Me: so…say there was this red-headed girl
who had a date for tomorrow night
but realized that she didn't want to go out on a date with that guy
because she had a little crush on a guy she hung out with last night
so she canceled that date

Improv Boy: uh huh

Me: and is really happy to see the guy she wants to hang w/ tomorrow
the end

Improv Boy: I like this story
I'm looking forward to the sequel

Me: me 2

As we signed off our session, I found myself smiling. I wanted to cook for Improv Boy and make him happy because he made me happy. I hadn't felt like that in a while. And, it felt really good.

Nice guys are…nice!

As I headed over to Clyde’s for Happy Hour, I found myself rather apathetic about meeting Improv Boy. My apathy stemmed less from true disinterest than it did from my expectations of the evening. I hoped to enjoy the evening with my friends and get to know Improv Boy better. But, I didn’t see the night as the first step toward anything serious with him.

Quite a few of my friends were at Clyde’s when I got there. Within the next half an hour, a few more trickled into the bar. I was talking with Autumn, when Improv Boy arrived.

I stood up from my bar stool to greet him. I then introduced him to my friends, all of whom I had met through Twitter.

When he sat down next to me, he commented:

I figured that all of your friends would be lawyers.

Me [chuckling]: No. I only have a few friends who are attorneys. [I decided to spare him the reasons behind that, but I sensed that he had that impression that I was one of those people who chose the law for money, power or to follow in my father’s footsteps. None of those reasons were the case!]

As Improv Boy and I talked, it was clear that we had very different backgrounds. He seemed to have a lot of wanderlust and indicated that he might want to quit his job and go back to school or settle in a new city. He had also served in the military for over a decade with two tours in the Gulf.

That’s not normally the type of guy that I’m drawn to, but I decided to throw out my usual playbook. Nothing he said about his past or his uncertain future were negatives. I reminded myself that I could just get to know him and don’t have to over-think the situation.

I also didn’t let his appearance faze me. I definitely have a superficial side and like my men to fit a certain mold. Improv Boy is white and not conventionally attractive. His appearance and expressions are great for comedy, but as Autumn recognized:

He has a very big head and oddly shaped facial features.

I didn’t disagree with her, but as I continued to talk to Improv Boy, I realized something:

He’s not visually attractive, but he has a great personality and that makes him attractive!

We stayed at the bar during the entire Washington Capitals playoff game. Improv Boy was comfortable letting me socialize with my friends, but when I came over to him, he made it clear that I was his primary focus. He interacted well with the group and was interesting to talk to one-on-one. He insisted on paying, even though I didn’t view Happy Hour with my friends as a date. And, as one would hope since he’s a comedian, he had a great sense of humor. All of these things won points with me.

One Twitter friend, Adam, discussed the dating scene in DC with Improv Boy and me:

You just need to eliminate dating 30-35 year old women unless you want to get married or have kids. That’s all that they’re thinking about in this city.

Me: Really?!? That hasn’t been my experience. So, what is a better demographic?

Adam: 20-something girls are too young, unless you’re just looking for fun. After 35 is perfect since they already realize that they’re done. It’s too late for them to have kids so they’re just happy dating.

Me [laughing loudly]: Seriously?!? I totally disagree! But, it’s good to know that you’ve put me out to pasture. [Look at Improv Boy.] Apparently, you have nothing to worry about. I’m lucky to even go out on a date at such an old age. [The three of us laugh.]

The Capitals lost, and Improv Boy offered to put me in a cab. I told him that I prefer to walk home and he offered to accompany me.

Me: I’m really glad that you came tonight.

Improv Boy: Me too. I had a great time meeting your friends, but I hope that you’ll let me take you out on a proper date next week.

Me [smiling]: I’d like that.

As we were walking home, Improv Boy mentioned that he would be spending the weekend with his family.

Me: That should be nice! Do you have any kids?

Improv Boy: No.

Me: Oh…I thought that Abigail [my friend who does improv with Improv Boy] had told me that you had an older child.

Improv Boy: No, I don’t.

Me: Oh…sorry. It doesn’t matter to me either way. I was just wondering.

We changed topics for the rest of the walk home. Improv Boy asked if there was a place en route for him to use the restroom. I knew of one bar, and as we walked inside, I saw UConn Boy‘s best friend. (I keep telling you all that DC is small!)

He and I chatted for a few minutes while Improv Boy was in the bathroom.

Me: Oh, not to shock you, but I’m out with a white guy tonight. [We laugh, and I introduce him to Improv Boy.]

Ten minutes later, Improv Boy and I reached my building. He took my face in his hands and gave me a sweet, soft kiss. Picture open mouth and no tongue. It was just enough to make me want more, but not too much that it was inappropriate.

Improv Boy: Would you be free to go out this coming week or next weekend?

Me: This week! Sooner is better! [Smiling like a kid in a candy store.]

Improv Boy wasn’t my type, and I had a feeling that I wasn’t his. But, after dating quite a few guys who weren’t nice, I was finally ready for a guy who was.

Changing my ways

My birthday was behind me. Philly Matt had gone back home. Mr. Exec was trying to reach out, but after he had failed to be there for me following my concussion, my interest in him had waned.

April 2010 brought some unexpected intrigue into my life, though, when I met Dutch Boy at an embassy event. He wasn’t my normal type. Picture a nice-looking white guy, 5’11” with a very lean build. Dutch Boy is a scientist, doing a fellowship at the National Institutes of Health. He loved sports and writing so we had some shared interests, but that normally wouldn’t be enough to pique my interest.

What did attract me to Dutch Boy then? He oozed sex. He wasn’t particularly sexy, and yet, he had that indefinable magnetism. I commented as much to my girlfriend in the ladies’ room, and she heartily concurred. I tried not to monopolize Dutch Boy’s time at the event, but I wanted to converse with him as much as I could.

After talking to Dutch Boy for 30 minutes, I learned two unfortunate things:

Dutch Boy was returning to Amsterdam in a month…

And he had a girlfriend back home.

We exchanged information and contacted each other that weekend, keeping all of our correspondence casual. Dutch Boy and I alluded in our emails to seeing each other again – without throwing out a time or place. I wanted to get to know him better, but I also didn’t want to complicate my life. He was moving back home, and he had an old girlfriend there. (For once, I made the right call! For once!)

Three days later, I sat down to meditate. When I was done meditating, I came out of the session with one strong thought in my head:

I’m supposed to contact Improv Boy and go out with him.

“Improv Boy?!?” I asked myself with a baffled expression on my face.

What was my subconscious trying to tell me? I didn’t want to go out with Improv Boy last month, which is why I stopped corresponding with him. He wasn’t my type at all, but maybe it was time to think out of the box? It’s not like dating my type had been working out well for me.

I decided to send Improv Boy an email. I figured that I would answer the questions that he had asked me in his last email and invite him out to a small, informal Happy Hour. (He had repeatedly asked me out on dates in March, but I felt like that type of one-on-one activity was premature. A small get-together seemed like a better way to gauge if I wanted to go out with him.) I wrote:

Hi Improv Boy,

I know…it’s been a while. A lot has been going on with me (out-of-town, concussion, birthday and speech at an event), but that doesn’t excuse me from not being in touch.

How are you? I hope that you are doing well!

I’m an attorney, but I took time off to finish another degree. My thesis got approved in February, and now I’m pursuing some freelance writing. I miss my clients, but I’m keeping all options open.

You’ll have to tell me more about your possible new venture in person!

A few friends and I are going to watch the Caps game on Friday at Clyde’s. Any interest in joining us?

:), City Girl

The following morning, I heard from Improv Boy. He wrote about last night’s hockey game and indicated that he was free to come to the Happy Hour on Friday night. He also extended appropriate congratulations for my thesis approval and concern about my concussion.

We emailed each other once a day for the rest of the week. In one correspondence, he inquired as to my thesis topic. I gave a basic one-line response regarding my esoteric topic and was surprised when Improv Boy came back with follow-up questions. It took me a few minutes to realize that he had done some online research to learn more about the issue, which I found endearing.

I mentioned that to my friend, Julie, and said:

Improv Boy seems really nice, but I’m not sure if I’m attracted to him. He’s really funny, too…as one would hope since he’s a comedian. Maybe if I don’t like him, Autumn might?

Julie: You invited a guy to Happy Hour to fix him up with your friend?

Me [laughing]: Well, who knows? I’m trying not to over-think things like I normally do.

Happy Hour with Improv Boy and my friends was set. And, the following night, I would be at another embassy event — with Dutch Boy.

This month was looking up!

Playing hooky

It was a cold and rainy Tuesday in late March. I was lounging on the couch in my Old Navy sweats when my phone vibrated. It was a text from Mr. Exec:

Morning. What are your plans for today?

Me: A whole lotta nothing!

Mr. Exec: That sounds nice. Up for some company?

Me: Sure :)!

Mr. Exec: I might need your help with an article for a newsletter for [an organization that had a similar mission to a nonprofit for which I used to work]. Would that be okay?

Me: Of course!

Mr. Exec arrived at my place a couple of hours later. He has his nickname for a reason so I was surprised that he barely looked at his Blackberry all day. He fully committed to playing hooky with me and being a sloth. I hadn't expected him to be able to decompress from his job the way he did, and it was nice to see.

Even though Mr. Exec hadn't even kissed me at the end of our first date or even come upstairs, it felt like he had been over my place many a time. I poured him a glass of Chardonnay. We relaxed on the couch, watching Sportscenter. He put his arm around me and made sure that my blanket covered my feet. I hadn't thought about what this embryonic thing called "us" would turn into, but we interacted like we were a couple.

That afternoon, ESPN kept replaying Tiger Woods' interview.

Mr. Exec: If you were Elin, would you stay?

Me: Hell no.

Mr. Exec: What about for better or worse?

Me: That would go out the window if my husband put his cock inside one other woman — let alone 12.

Mr. Exec: Would you leave a person if he was an alcoholic?

Me: I was in a relationship with an addict and an alcoholic when I was in my early 20s. I became such an co-dependent enabler that I don't think I would knowingly become involved with an addict again unless he was in recovery.

Mr. Exec: Well, what if he didn't have a problem, but a tragic event like a family member's death sent him into a downward spiral? Wouldn't you want to help him?

Me: Of course.

Mr. Exec: Then, how is an alcohol addiction different from a sex addiction?

Me: I don't see what Tiger did as situational or a post-traumatic stress response. Cheating would involve a betrayal of our marriage vows so I see that as different from a substance problem. But, I get your point that if marriage is forever, that includes the worse.

We talked more about our views on cheating and sex addiction. I might not have agreed with all of Mr. Exec's points, but I respected them. I liked his energy and his wisdom. I hadn't dated anyone with whom I felt such physical and intellectual chemistry since Lawyer Boy.

Mr. Exec suggested that we take a nap, but I decided to crack the metaphorical whip and get the article done before we went to sleep. I felt flattered that he trusted me to help him with it, and we worked well together. I had a thought that if we continued dating, there would be a lot more of this. I smiled to myself in front of the laptop (much like I'm doing now). I had definitely missed being able to professionally connect with someone.

When we finished the article, we began talking about upcoming events in town. That made me think of his friend, Jenna, who I had met last year.

Me: How is she? She was so much fun.

He commented that he hadn't talked to her in a while, noting that he received a lot of flack for bringing her to the event in Georgetown.

Me [surprised since I thought that they were just friends]: Was she there as your date?

Mr. Exec: Well…we were hanging out.

Me: Wait a minute… you were flirting with me and asking me out right in front of her? And, she was there as your date?

Mr. Exec: Yes.

Me: What kind of guy is on a date with one girl and asks another girl out right in front of her?

Mr. Exec: Well, Jenna and I weren't serious. We didn't have that much in common. She's nice, but I didn't see it progressing so I didn't view it as a big deal.

Me [laughing out loud]: Seriously? I actually wondered why I had never heard from her since we had gotten along so well. Now I know why. I would have walked out of the restaurant if you had done that with me.

I rolled my eyes and thought to myself:

What was I getting myself into?

Wrapping it up

I recently received the following question on Formspring:

I have had unprotected sex a couple of times, and I know it's a bad idea for the future. How do you bring it up without ruining the mood? Also, who should carry the condoms: the man or the woman? (I don't know how to pick them out since each guy is different.)

To state the obvious, few people enjoy using condoms. But, there is a key difference between wanting to use a condom and needing to use a condom. Unless you and your boyfriend are in a monogamous relationship and have both been tested for HIV and STDs, he should be wearing a condom each and every time you have sex. (I'm sure I'm not telling you anything that you don't know, but it can't hurt to be reminded again.)

Since you have had unprotected sex, have you made an appointment to get tested yet? If not, I recommend doing so in the near future. Most major health insurance companies cover an HIV test as part of your annual physical, and you can be tested for STDs at your annual OB/GYN appointment. If you are attending college, confirm that you can get tested at your school's health center. If your school doesn't offer those services, then check online to find out where the nearest Planned Parenthood or women's center is.

Since you don't care to have unprotected sex in the future, how can you bring up the topic without ruining the mood? Well, that depends on the nature of the relationship:

1. A one-night stand or more casual relationship. You aren't seriously dating anyone and are meeting your girlfriends for drinks. You're open to wherever the evening takes you if you meet a fine guy or receive a text from Mr. Right Now.

Be prepared before you leave the house. Buy a cute condom compact and a box of condoms. Keep the box at your house and before you go out for the evening, place a few condoms in the compact. Throw the compact in your purse along with your keys, phone and lip gloss, and you're ready to go!

Prior to having sex, I imagine that the guy will reach for a condom. If he doesn't say or do anything, put your hands on his face and look into his eyes as you say:

I want you inside me. Do you have a condom?

(If you like to talk dirty, feel free to substitute the first line with any variation of "I want to fuck you.")

If he has a condom, then let him use whatever condom he prefers. If he doesn't have one, then you can reach over and grab a condom out of your purse. It doesn't need to ruin the mood since using a condom is a means to a hopefully enjoyable end! If the mention of the word, "condom," makes the guy less excited (as in, less hard), then take a few minutes to get him just how you want him before he puts on the condom.

Most guys in this day and age should realize that it's dangerous to have unprotected sex. But, there are still those guys who will break out a line to try to convince you otherwise. Be prepared with your responses. For example:

Guy: I'll just put the tip in.
Girl: We both know where that will lead.

Guy: I can't feel anything with a condom.
Girl: I bet you will. I'm very wet.

Guy: I don't want to use a condom.
Girl: We can just mess around without having sex, but wouldn't sex be more fun?

Guy: Aren't you on the pill?
Girl: That's not the point. We don't know each other well enough to go raw.

You can use whatever words you wish to get the point across. Just know your limits and stick to them.

With respect to ruining the mood, I would try to reframe your thoughts on that. Using a condom when you have sex should be viewed as Standard Operating Procedure, not a buzz kill. Unless you and the guy are in a monogamous relationship and have both been tested, then the risks of not using a condom FAR outweigh the 60 seconds it takes to bring it up and put one on. (Please realize how much of an understatement this is and that I could go on and on about how testing positive for HIV or dealing with an unplanned pregnancy could really ruin the mood.) Just view using a condom as a normal part of the routine of having sex.

What condoms should you buy? You could buy a Variety Pack from Durex or Trojan or pick a lubricated, latex condom that you like. Choose latex over lambskin since lambskin does not prevent again STDs.

If you want to cover all your bases, you can also pick up a box of Trojan Magnums for larger men and throw one of those condoms in the compact. Trojan's bestseller is the lubricated, ultra-thin ENZ condom, but the company recently came out with an ultra-ribbed Ecstasy condom. (The Ecstasy claims to let you feel all of the pleasure without feeling the condom. Has anyone tried one of these condoms? What was your experience? Please comment – anonymously if need be – and let us know.)

2. If you're in a relationship, then the topic of condoms becomes part of a larger discussion of past sexual history and birth control. I think it's easier to have those discussions out of the bedroom so that there's less pressure. But, if you prefer to have that conversation in the bedroom, that's fine, too. (It's more important that you talk about it than where you talk about it.)

If you care about this person, then it's worth communicating about the following things:

Are you using condoms for birth control and STD/HIV prevention or just the latter?

What condom does he like best? Will he be providing them or do you need to stock up, too?

Will you be using condoms in the early stage of your relationship with the intent to get tested later on?

Are you both monogamous?

Can you orgasm with condoms or will you need additional clitoral stimulation?

You might address all these issues in one fell swoop or discuss these matters over time. If you are in a relationship with someone, then it's appropriate and necessary to broach all of these topics. Just remember that communication and honesty are keys to a healthy relationship in all senses of the word!

Have fun and be safe! xoxo

How have you broached condom use with a partner? What's your brand of choice and why?

Teddy Ruxpin

Last Friday morning, I was trying to motivate out of my warm bed and into the shower when the telephone rang. I looked at the Caller ID and saw that it was Philly Matt. Given the timing of his call, I realized that he had just read my latest post about us.

When we spoke earlier in the week, Matt had told me about Tammy, a girl he recently met. His voice was giddy when he talked about her in a way that I hadn't heard since he and I had dated. I was excited for him on the phone, but when we hung up, I felt melancholy. What would happen to our friendship? How would our relationship change with a girlfriend in the picture?

I thought about texting or calling Philly Matt that evening, but instead, I just wrote a post about it. In retrospect, that was a passive-aggressive move on my part since I know that Philly Matt reads my blog regularly. But, I figured that the conversation would come soon enough, and it did.

Philly Matt [hearing the groggy tone in my voice]: Did I wake you? I'm sorry. You can go back to sleep and just call me later.

Me: No, I'm good. Just waiting for my migraine meds to kick in. What's up?

Philly Matt: So…I read your post.

Me [with a bit of nervousness in my voice]: Yeah, I figured.

Philly Matt: I read everyone's comments, too. I thought about writing one of my own as Philly Matt, but I decided that I should just call you.

Me: Okay. You know you can write one anytime you want, though, right? Even if I disagree with it, I'll still approve it.

Philly Matt: I know that, but it just made more sense to talk to you directly.

Me [exhaling]: K.

Philly Matt: I want you in my life until the day I take my last breath. You are a very important person to me and anyone I date will need to know that and be okay with that. If you call me in the middle of the night and need me, she's going to need to understand that I have to go. Staying friends with you is not negotiable.

I paused for a few seconds after he said that because I had tears in my eyes. (And, yes, being the sap that I am, I have tears in my eyes again as I'm writing about this.)

Me: Thanks. I figured that's what you would say, but it means a lot to me to hear that. I couldn't imagine my life without you.

Philly Matt: And you won't have to.

We talked for a while about how our relationship doesn't make sense to most people.

Philly Matt: Maybe they haven't found a way to make it work. Or didn't break up amicably.

Me: Well, it's not like we were friends right after we broke up so I understand. But, I feel closer to you now than I did when we were a couple. We've been through a lot over the past few years.

Philly Matt: Exactly. I know that no matter what, you're there for me. And, you know that the same is true with me. Anyone we date will need to understand that, too.

Me: Thanks. That makes me feel better. I still feel bad that I even considered not having you come on the ski trip with "Buckeyes" Boy.

Philly Matt: Well, you guys were in a serious relationship. You couldn't make him uncomfortable. I knew that you and I would stay friends no matter what, but I just felt bad that I wouldn't be able to go on the ski trip or see everyone else [in our group] anymore.

Me: Yeah, I know. I'm glad that didn't happen, and I've learned my lesson for next time. I don't want to lose you or isolate you from the group. The Crew wants you around, too. And I also realize that I'm acting pretty selfish to be whining about a girl that you haven't even really started dating when I've called you about several guys over the years and you've always rolled with it. I guess I just worried that I would lose you if you got serious with a girl…that she wouldn't understand.

Philly Matt: That's never going to happen with us. She's going to know about you. I feel closer to you now than I did even a few months ago after having met your Dad and Rhea [my Dad's girlfriend at my birthday party in April]. . . .And, you realize that I've barely spent any time with Tammy one-on-one. I don't even know if we'll start dating!

Me: Yeah, I know. It just caught me off guard to hear how you talked about her. Tammy's your first crush since me, and I guess I got a little jealous and a little confused, even though I'm happy for you. [Pause.] I'm okay with us never hooking up again, but losing your friendship would be too tough for me. You know me better than any guy I've ever known. [Pause.] But, I will miss snuggling with you. You are very snuggly.

Philly Matt: I'm a regular Teddy Ruxpin! [We start laughing hysterically.]

Me: You pulled out Teddy Ruxpin?!? Hahaha!

Our conversation shifted gears to work, friends, his kids and my latest guy adventures. When I hung up the phone 30 minutes later, I had a huge smile on my face and wiped a few more tears of joy from my eyes.

I wish I knew the secret to how Philly Matt and I have managed to make our friendship work. (Trust me, I would bottle that formula if I could.)

As I texted Philly Matt this weekend,

I love you, Teddy Ruxpin!

And, I do. With all my heart.

Did you try it out and then the friendship fizzled over time or when a new significant other came into the picture? Do you regret not maintaining a friendship with any of your exes?