How to (maybe) orgasm during sex

A female friend recently sent me an email, asking for my recommendations for the best sexual position to achieve an orgasm. That baffled me a bit because there's no simple answer to that question.

"Why is that?" you might be wondering.

Well, one's woman multiples is another woman's "isn't the G-Spot a myth?" No two women are alike in this regard, and with that in mind, here are my thoughts:

1. Have you had a G-Spot* orgasm before?

If yes, then proceed to #2.

If no, then proceed to #3. (I so wish WordPress had a flow chart feature.)

* There was a recent journal study that claimed the G-Spot doesn't exist. It does – trust me – although a woman's ability to access it varies.

2. What positions facilitate having an orgasm during sex?

if you can orgasm vaginally on your own, then you need to figure out what positions work best given your body and your partner's body. A lot of this is trial and error, but I recommend these positions for getting the best angles for a G-Spot orgasm during intercourse:

a. You on top with your back facing your man's chest (reverse catcher's mitt).

This allows for the curve of your man's cock to rub against the G-Spot. It also gives you more flexibility to angle your body and move your hips how you like. In this position, you can easily massage your clit, or depending on your partner's size, insert a finger to rub your G-Spot as you're having sex.

b. Doggy-Style.

This position allows for clitoral stimulation with hands and a good angle for the cock to penetrate the G-Spot. However, depending on the height difference between both partners, men and women might prefer different angles.

c. You on top facing your man.

This position provides a good angle for the cock to stimulate the G-Spot. It's also an easy reach for either you or your partner to massage your clit. If you need an emotional connection with your partner to orgasm, you can kiss and look into your man's eyes during the act. And, if you and your man like to use a cock ring or the We-Vibe, this position enables the toy to stay in place and hit just the right spots.

(If you are a man reading this, err on the side of caution here! When you are having sex, just start gently massaging your girl's clit with two fingers in small circles. She may or may not orgasm, but I doubt she will protest your efforts. Also, guys, missionary might be the easiest position for you, but it's usually not a winner for G-Spot stimulation. Again, I recommend that you let your fingers do the talking here.)

3. Try to find your G-Spot.

If you haven't yet had a G-Spot orgasm, then take some time on your own to explore before trying to orgasm with your partner.

A 2005 study reports that only 14% of women always orgasm during intercourse. And, somewhere between 16% and one-third of women can never orgasm during traditional sex. Women, don't feel bad or guilty if you can't orgasm during intercourse! There's no right or wrong here, and one study says that genetics play a role in your ability to orgasm. Just spend some quality time with yourself and see what happens.

If you are a man and you don't know whether your woman is able to have a G-Spot orgasm, then there's a need to communicate with her. I recommend bringing this up when you have the time to talk and sex isn't expected. It's important to take the pressure off of the end result and focus on the intimacy of connecting as a couple!

If you've found a position that works well for you and your partner, please comment. In this regard, sharing is definitely caring!

I’m a 1950s housewife!

I am giver. A nurturer. I take care of the people in my life. How did those qualities manifest themselves when Buckeyes Boy went back to work in October 2009? I turned into a housewife from the 1950s.

When Buckeyes Boy arrived home from work, I would offer to hang up his jacket and ask him what he wanted to drink. As I poured his beer or wine, I would place cupcakes or cookies on a plate for him to eat. (If I had an apron and blonde hair, you might wonder if I was June Cleaver!)

One of my friends visited us for a weekend and observed how Buckeyes Boy and I interact. He commented to his boyfriend that he was a bit taken aback by our relationship. According to his boyfriend, he was surprised that “a strong woman like [City Girl] would act so subservient.”

(“Subservient” definitely has negative connotations. It makes me happy to make the people I love happy so I don’t see being a caregiver as an obligation, but rather a privilege. Yes, I have very nontraditional views about sex, but when it comes to relationships, I’m actually very traditional. I try to date guys who appreciate both sides of my personality and who respect that I choose to care for them. I like to be a wanna-be porn star in the bedroom, but I’m comfortable being subservient or deferential in other personal settings. Putting myself in your shoes as a reader, though, I understand if I’m catching you off guard.)

So, Buckeyes Boy worked 12-hour days and was lucky if he got one day off a week. He might not eat anything until dinnertime at which point he rushed to grab something quick before whatever event was being held that night at the Convention Center. When he came home at 10pm, he was exhausted, yet needed time to unwind. By the time he fell asleep, it was 2 or 3am and then he had to wake up at 8am.

The combination of lack of sleep, poor diet and long hours caused Buckeyes Boy to be sick — a lot. More often than not, he would arrive home with a headache, sore throat or an upset stomach. Or, we would be watching TV and he would fall asleep sitting up while listening to a Pod Cast. I did what I could to help him feel better by getting him tea with honey…or Motrin…or Imodium…or a pillow. I empathize when someone I care about is sick, and my nurturing side kicks into overdrive when my man is the patient.

Buckeyes Boy would thank me after I helped him out in any regard, but the following conversation warmed my heart:

“I’ve never met anyone like you,” Buckeyes Boy said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“A lot of people say they love you or they care about you, but you don’t just say it. You show it. All the time,” he explained.

“Of course I do. I don’t want you to forget that for a minute, and it makes me happy to make you happy,” I told him.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me,” he said as he moved in for a kiss.

I kissed him back and smiled to myself. June Cleaver would be proud!

Anal play for the straight guy – Part II

If you haven't read Part I of the Anal Play for the Straight Guy series, click here.

An Arlington Boy Guest Post:

Okay, so now your new plaything has come in the mail. And much to your relief, the packaging didn't read: CONTENTS: ONE ASS BLASTER 6000. WARNING! RECIPIENT IS MOST LIKELY SOME KINDA PERVERT AND BELIEVES IN SOCIALIZED MEDICINE.

Your normal masturbation sessions may involve your hand playing the role of the village bicycle. Get up, get off, get out. But tonight you're not going to be with the village bicycle. You're going to treat your ass like someone who plays hard to get: be convincing; take it slow; and be gentle. You get the idea. Your hand is the town slut. Your ass is that rich, stuck up chick whom you finally convinced to give you the time of day.

First, make sure you're alone. Unless you're an exhibitionist, in which case knock yourself out. But do lock the door, shut the blinds, and turn off your phone.

Try pouring yourself a drink to relax a bit. Grab a towel and get comfortable, either on the floor or on your bed. Find a really hot porno, and either pop it into your DVD player or fire it up on your laptop. Since you're doing something you've never done before and are most likely going to be nervous, make sure it's one that has at least one scene that gets you off.

Next, take some time and do whatever it is that makes you feel good. Don't rush. You want to spend some time really getting yourself turned on. When you're starting to feel really hot and bothered, work your hands down to your perineum (the soft, fleshy area between your anus and your balls) and start massaging it and warming it up.

When you're feeling nice and relaxed (and turned on!), take a small dab of lube and apply it to one of your fingers. Then, start circling your anus slowly and gently. Just give it a soft massage in a circular motion. You want to make sure that part of your body is nice and relaxed. When you're feeling confident, slowly insert your finger in juuuuuuust a bit, and rotate it around and massage the entrance to your anus. Give it a good little massage, but again, take your time! And enjoy yourself!

Okay, so now's where the rubber meets the road! Take your plug, and coat it with a generous amount of lube, spreading it out all along the length of the plug (leave the base dry). Wipe off any remaining lube from your fingers, and take a nice, slow deep breath in and out.

Insert it gently and slowly. While "MORE FORCE" might be great for DIY projects such as that screen door that just won't close right, this isn't something you want to rush or use any amount of force on. You might try wiggling it around in a circular motion (gently) while you're (again, gently) pushing on it. Take it slow, and take lots of deep breaths. There's no hurry!

Fact: you actually have two sphincters in your anus. I'm willing to bet the plug started to go in nice and easy. That's your outer sphincter. Hey, this doesn't feel bad! And then you worked it up a bit more and OMG I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!! Congratulations, you just found your inner sphincter. Think of your outer sphincter as the TSA: it'll let anyone come in. Think of your inner sphincter as an elite bodyguard (bootyguard?): none shall pass!

Don't worry… just keep your plug inside you as far as it'll go comfortably. It's perfectly normal for you to feel like you need to move your bowels the further up your plug goes. Keep on watching your movie, pleasuring yourself, and have another sip of your drink. Relax. Your ass will start to get used to the plug, and eventually (particularly as you start to get more turned on—whether from the movie, the plug, or your own self-pleasuring) it should go in the rest of the way. And if it doesn't? No worries. Try it again later.

You've probably read the words "relax," "slowly," and "gently" enough to piss you off by now. Good, because that means I'm driving the point home. Anal play (especially your first time) needs to be taken at a relaxed pace. Rome wasn't built in a day, so don't worry if it takes you a while (even over the course of several sessions) to feel comfortable enough to put your toy all the way in.

Now what? Well, a plug isn't designed for in-and-out action. It's designed to stay in and give you a sense of fullness. So take a few deep breaths, enjoy the feeling of your plug inside you, and gradually bring yourself to climax.

As you start to get to the point of no return, you're going to find something really interesting going on. Your plug is *really* going to start feeling good inside! In fact, your anal muscles are probably going to start milking the plug. This is why your toy has a flared base. To prevent all that slipping and sliding and milking from making your toy rocket up inside you! You might notice the reverse: as you start to ejaculate, your plug actually shoots out of your ass!

Congratulations! You've just taken the first steps to a whole new world of pleasure! Don't be in a hurry to clean yourself up. You did something that a *lot* of people aren't comfortable with. You may have a whole host of feelings going through your mind and your body right now. Relax and enjoy yourself for a bit.

As you continue with your experimentation over the coming days and weeks, you may find you want to get a new toy that's a bit bigger. From personal experience, as good as my Little Flirt toy feels, you'll get only so much mileage out of it before you want to use something larger. Again, take your time, get a plug (or another toy) that's a little bit bigger, and start the whole process over again.

I hope my post has helped demystify anal play and has shown you that there's a whole new world of pleasure that's just waiting for you to explore. If nothing else, I hope you keep this in mind:

If you tried it and enjoyed it, there's nothing wrong with you, and you're perfectly normal!

If you tried it and didn't enjoy it, there's nothing wrong with you, and you're perfectly normal!

Anal play for the straight guy

An Arlington Boy Guest Post:

Months ago, I emailed City Girl with a burning question. I read some of her comments about anal sex and, as a result, was honestly curious about anal self-pleasuring and wanted some good advice on going about trying it out for myself. She gave me some absolutely incredible tips, and I’ve been enjoying anal play for some time now.

A few weeks ago, she asked me if I’d be willing to write a guest blog post about it, and I was more than happy to oblige.

You see, I’m a straight guy. Depressingly so. And a lot of straight guys have a lot of preconceived notions about anal play. Mostly that it’s either for gays, or if you derive pleasure from anal stimulation, you must somehow be gay.

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

Well, I’m here to say that I’ve been enjoying anal play for some time now, and I can assure you that I still have the raging heterosexuality of an NFL offensive line. Sexual orientation doesn’t change based on pleasure zones. And did you know that a lot of gay couples don’t engage in anal play? Ever?

There’s nothing about your anus, or any other of your erogenous zones, that’s unique to your sexual orientation. I’m going to guess if you’re a straight male that you probably like blow jobs, right? Well, so do most gay men. So using the logic of anal sex = gay, blowjob = gay, hmm?

“Waaaaaaaaaaitaminute!,” you might scream. “I like blow jobs, and I’m 100% straight.”

Oh, really? Gay guys like blow jobs too, so by *conventional* wisdom, if you like blow jobs, you clearly *must* be g…

See where I’m going? Pleasure spots aren’t something that’s solely determinate on whether or not you like girls or guys. And your anus has *lots* of pleasure spots.

So what I’d like to do, if nothing else, is to demystify anal self-pleasure for straight guys. That’s not to sound exclusionary to anyone else curious about anal sex. In fact, I hope anyone who reads this post gets something out of it! But there’s an awful lot of psychological baggage involved with straight men and anal play, and it’s to this particular demographic that I’d like to prove to that butt play can indeed be fun and, dare I say it, enjoyable?

So let’s get started!

I personally recommend starting anal experimentation by using a small butt plug. Go to any sex toy website and you’ll see an absolutely bewildering array of anal toys. Different sizes, different materials, different prices. How on Earth are you supposed to choose the *right* toy for your needs?

I’m not gonna lie… you may be in for some trial and error. And truth be told, some websites are better than others in helping you select your first toy. A website I particularly like is Eden Fantasys. They have product reviews, some of which are done by John/Jane Q. Public, while others are done by more frequent reviewers who are vetted by Eden Fantasys. So the likelihood of being influenced by industry shills who are *cough* plugging their own company’s goods are considerably reduced.

I checked toy reviews (on more than one site) and I happened to luck out and get what I consider to be the perfect first-time toy, and I’m going to recommend it to you because I think it’s the perfect starter model: the Little Flirt by Tantus.

The Little Flirt is a butt plug, which is perfect for anal newbies. Upon opening the box, you’ll notice it’s hardly intimidating. Even if you opt for something else, do yourself a favor and ensure that it’s clearly marketed towards novices. You can always “size up” later, but you really want to start out small. Your ass isn’t going anywhere!

The only other recommendation I have for a first-time plug is this: your plug (and pretty much any anal toy, really) needs to have a flared base at the end. This is to avoid embarrassing trips to the ER and awkward conversation along the lines of “Gee, Doc, I was reading this blog post a few hours ago and…”

A flared base prevents your new goodie from having so much fun with your ass that it doesn’t want to leave (think of this as the sex toy equivalent of your derelict in-law that moves in one day and never takes the hint to move out. Only your butt plug is more likely to pay the rent than Cousin Bob). And you may think you can drive, text, smoke, and eat a Whopper at the same time, so why should something as simple as keeping a sex toy from sliding up your ass pose any more of a challenge? I’ll explain it further on in this post. But trust me on this one. And keep your eyes on the damn road already!

In fact, let me explain why you don’t want to cut any corners, and why you need to select a toy that’s safe (and thus generally more on the expensive side). I remember reading in some men’s health magazine years ago (probably… wait for it… Men’s Health) that you should treat your penis like a new Mercedes.

You probably didn’t need to be told that.

But what you *do* need to be told is that, if your dick is a new Mercedes, your ass is your dad’s liquor cabinet, and DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MAH LIQUOR BOY, CAUSE I GOT A SHOTGUN AND A SHOVEL AND AIN’T NO ONE GONNA MISS YOUR ASS.

I jest, but you really, really do not want to (ahem…) fuck around with the health of your ass. And that means don’t cheap out on your new toy. You want safe. You want the sex toy equivalent of a Volvo, not a Porsche.

You’re also going to want a good quality lube. There are special lubes made just for anal sex that are nice and thick and gloppy. I honestly don’t have a preference for lube. A good one City Girl recommended to me is ForPlay. I use the Gel Plus version, and it’s a great lube for anal play.

Note: some gels contain desensitizers. You may also see separate anal desensitizers. I haven’t used them personally, but from what I hear, you should stay far, far away from them. The logic being that they desensitize a very sensitive, delicate part of your anatomy. To the point where you may end up using more force than is necessary (or wise), when you go to play, only to be in pain (or worse!) later. To put it this way: would you take a painkiller and ask someone to proceed to rack you in the nuts? Damn right you wouldn’t! So don’t do anything equally silly.

What should you do once you get your toy? We’ll get to that in our next post.

Toy shopping for others

I recently overheard the following conversation at Pleasure Place in Georgetown:

Girl [holding her boyfriend's hand and pointing to a vibrator with her other hand]: So…do you think that your sister would like that one?

Guy: I don't know. Maybe she'd like the big black one? That's huge!!! [They laugh.]

I normally don't interject myself into other people's conversations, but I made an exception to that rule on this occasion.

Me: Maybe you should get something smaller or find out what she likes first? [Point to the mini vibrators on the next wall.} Or, ask the salespeople for their opinions. They're very helpful here!

What I really wanted to say was, "Your SISTER?!? Why are you buying sex toys for your sister? Abort mission! Abort!!!"

Unless you know what your friend/relative/significant other likes, I don't recommend going sex toy shopping for him or her. Buying sex toys isn't like buying a popular DVD or a body lotion that smells nice. Sex toys are not generic gifts to purchase since they are by their nature personal. It's also worth remembering that people's comfort levels in talking about sex, testing their sexual boundaries or receiving sexual gifts vary.

Want to explore with your partner or encourage your significant other to try something new?

Talk with your partner first! Communicate about likes, dislikes and sexual goals. Then, go shopping for your significant other. Or, better yet, shop together — either online or at a store. Use the conversation and the shopping experience to grow closer as a couple.

Buying a gift for a friend?

Talk with your friend first! Make sure that you are getting your friend something that he or she would like and use. One of my friends takes her small bullet vibrators with her on vacation, and unfortunately she has a knack for leaving them in hotel nightstands. (Yes, in the drawer with the Bible…) I offered to go get her a new one since I'm in Georgetown so often.

When I arrived at Pleasure Place, I realized that there are bullets the size of my pinky and bullets the size of my thumb. I didn't want to chance getting her the wrong one (you don't mess with your girl's sex toys) so I picked up the phone and called her. She was happy, and I didn't have to worry about coming back to make an exchange!

Shopping for a bachelorette party? Sex toys or gag gifts can be fun. But, is there really a point in embarrassing the bride-to-be with a 10" plastic cock? I don't think so, but to each her own.

Looking for a gift for your relative? Stick with a book or a sweater! Seriously!

It’s Friday and I’m still in love

Friday, September 18, 2009

Buckeyes Boy and I couldn't stop smiling and giggling as we got in my car to go to Safeway. I hoped that my wallet was there, but the store manager said that no one had turned anything in that evening. We walked back to the car.

Me: Did you search all over the car? [Buckeyes Boy nods. I crouch down to look more and sure enough, my wallet is under the floor mat.]

Me: Did you look here? [I pull up the wallet to show him, laughing.]

Buckeyes Boy: I did! It wasn't there. [We laugh and I go around the car to hug him.]

Me: I'm just happy I found it. [I kiss him.] At least one of us has a credit card now! [He had lost his wallet that week.] Let's go inside and get some stuff.

Grocery shopping is rarely fun so it might sound odd to say that we had a great time in the supermarket! We were in the first aid aisle, looking at things to help heal the colony of cold sores on my bottom lip.

Buckeyes Boy: Let me call Nikki [his younger sister]. She had a huge cold sore last month and put some patch on it and it was gone overnight.

His phone didn't have service in the store (we were far from the city, after all) so he borrowed mine and left her a message.

Me: You realize that Nikki is so going to call Tina [his older sister] tomorrow, saying that you just called her about your new girl's cold sore! [We start cracking up, as he hands me back my phone.]

Me: Umm…you didn't end the call!

Buckeyes Boy: What? [Our eyes get really big as we wonder if our conversation and laughter just ended up in the voicemail.]

We were laughing so hard by this point that we had tears in our eyes. He had told me that his sisters never approved of the fact that he dated white women, and we both wondered if the "Cold Sore Call" would just exacerbate the situation.

Nikki called him back in a few minutes and told him which cold sore remedy she used. She didn't mention anything about the message or our discussion afterward. Maybe she just called him right back without listening to everything? Hopefully…

When Buckeyes Boy and I stopped laughing, we returned to shopping. In one aisle, I decided to do a little provocative dance for him with my scarf. He seemed to enjoy it, but I had to bring things down to a PG-13 rating when a teenage bag boy walked down the aisle.

We went down another aisle and Buckeyes Boy stopped me. He put his hands on my face, smiled and looked me in the eyes. He thanked me for dinner and for helping him out since he didn't have his credit card. He told me that he's never met anyone like me…that he feels like he's the lucky one…and how great the past eight days had been.

I was so touched by what he said that I started crying right there in the supermarket. We stayed in the middle of the aisle for a few minutes, hugging and kissing. And, it might just have been the fluorescent lights, but I think I saw his eyes getting watery, too.

Me: I love how we can go from laughing so hard that we have tears in our eyes in one aisle to a heartfelt discussion in another. I also love how you are a strong black man, but you are also comfortable enough to lean on me. [After my experience with Philly Matt, I really liked the fact that Buckeyes Boy didn't feel emasculated if I paid for things.]

We kissed again. (And, yes, all of our kisses were with really open mouths so my yucky bottom lip didn't touch his lips.)

We finished our shopping and headed home. It didn't take us long to get back into bed. I loved our lazy mornings of great sex and long showers together – I could definitely get used to this!

When we were in the shower, I almost asked him to pinch me because it felt like I was dreaming. Everything was perfect!

It’s Friday and I’m in love

Friday, September 18, 2009

Buckeyes Boy and I were going to be moving in together! I was jumping up and down in my apartment and couldn't stop smiling. One of my girlfriends called as Buckeyes Boy and I were snuggling on the couch.

Me [with an incredibly giddy smile]: Is this official? Can I tell her?

Buckeyes Boy [with a huge smile on his face, too]: Sure.

Buckeyes Boy headed to his Dad's place in Maryland, and I talked to a few girlfriends to share my news with them. I decided to take a nap since I was so exhausted from the past week. We were off to a birthday dinner for my girl, AP, that evening, so I wanted to feel my best.

I was starting to wake up when my phone vibrated. A text from Buckeyes Boy:

I've looked everywhere but can't find my credit or ATM card. I don't want to be a burden this weekend so if it's easier, we can just get together to watch football on Sun.

I didn't hesitate and wrote him the following response:

We're a team! I want you with me this weekend and can't wait for you to meet everyone. Come home so we can hook up again before we go out! xoxo

As I was lying in bed, it crossed my mind that since we started dating, we actually hadn't gone out to dinner. We cleared out everything in my fridge before going back to bed. Oh, and one night, we went to my friends' house. I know that some girls wouldn't want to pay for dinner for their boyfriends — ever, but I figured that it would all balance out. Buckeyes Boy was lining up interviews and would be paying rent once he got a job in DC and cleared out his storage unit in Toronto.

A few hours later, he returned from Maryland and we headed out to Sterling, a suburb 40 minutes away from DC. We were the last couple to arrive, and it seemed like Buckeyes Boy fit in easily with my group. And, we just fit together.

I didn't think I could fall for Buckeyes Boy more and then I saw him with my godson. I haven't written about my godson on my blog before, but this little guy had my heart wrapped around his tiny finger the moment that I held him in my arms. I would do anything for this boy and his mom.

Anyway, my godson was 15 months at the time of the dinner, and he looked at Buckeyes Boy as though he was a huge teddy bear (which he kind of is). My godson kept sharing his food with him, and smiling and laughing as Buckeyes Boy played with him. I looked across the table and felt so much joy watching my favorite big man play with my favorite little man that I almost shed tears right then and there.

By the time that appetizers were served, everyone at the table knew the big news about us living together. My friends were really excited for us, but surprised that I was so calm about everything. They kept waiting for me to freak out or get scared, but when they looked it my eyes and watched us together, they knew.

Barla: When it's right, it's right.

Me: I know! I soooo wasn't looking for this.

Barla: That's when it happens!

[Then, AP, Barla and I all get teary-eyed and have a group hug. We are a sappy bunch, huh? Unless we're in Philadelphia…]

I wore a long-sleeve shirt, but that didn't cover all of the ugly bruises on my arms. AP and Barla asked about them.

Me [pointing to Buckeyes Boy]: He did it!

Buckeyes Boy: You asked for it!

[We all crack up.]

AP, her husband and I took turns taking my godson outside so he didn't get bored at the table. I was out with him for about 20 minutes when AP came out to find us.

AP: Buckeyes Boy is great!

Me: Isn't he?

AP: He said some really sweet stuff in there.

Me: He did? Like what?

AP: Well, he asked us if you brought a lot of guys around to meet The Crew. And we looked at him and said, "No! Never!" He seemed surprised, but he smiled, too. He was like a giddy schoolboy, as he told us that this might seem crazy and too fast to everyone else, but that it feels right to you both. He said how great you are and that he's never felt anything like this before.

Me: Really? That's awesome! [Blushing and giggling.] What did you ask him that prompted him to say that?

AP: Nothing! We wouldn't say anything without you there. He just told us all that on his own.

Me: Wow! [I beam as AP hugs me.]

We headed back to the table and asked the server for our check. I looked in my Longchamp backpack and realized that I couldn't find my wallet. Now normally this would be something that I would get livid over, but I couldn't stop laughing.

Me: What are the odds that we met, fell in love and both lost our wallets — all in eight days? Let's go to Safeway [where we were before dinner] and see if I left it there.

Buckeyes Boy: Sounds good. [He kisses me.]

I was in love with the most amazing guy. I could figure out the wallet stuff later.

A 2nd great date

September 2009

My first date with Buckeyes Boy was amazing! I knew that I was attracted to him physically from the moment that I laid eyes on him, but I didn't expect that we would have such a strong emotional connection!

After he left my place to meet his sister, I heard from him later in the afternoon. He said that he was stuck in a heated family discussion at his family's place in Maryland, but that he would come back to DC as soon as he could. I texted him that if he wanted to stay over, we could head out to Northern Virginia to watch football at my friends' house the next day. He said that he would love to! *Sigh*

(Oh, and if you know me in real life or through my blog, you realize that my friends are my family. I rarely – as in, three relationships in 21 years – let guys I'm dating interact with my friends. My friends were thus shocked when I asked if I could bring a guy over to their house. I sensed their surprise, and just said that Buckeyes Boy was different…and special.)

Buckeyes Boy made it to my apartment at 9:30pm. I smiled when he walked through the door, but my big cheesy grin didn't do justice to how I felt. My toes tingled, my heart beat fast, and I had to restrain myself from not jumping up and down! Yes, I was that happy to see him!

Since it was late, we decided not to go out to dinner. I heated up some food that I had in the fridge, and we did almost the same thing that we did the night before. We talked. We laughed. We watched some college football. We connected. Oh, and, we kissed until our lips were sore ;). (I never realized how much I was into biting until Buckeyes Boy came along.)

He told me about the family issues that were going on, and they reminded me a lot of the problems that I've had with my Dad since my Mom died. This was only our second date, and yet I felt like we could — and were — talking about anything and everything with each other. This was unique for me!

Buckeyes Boy and I joked about what we would say when people asked how we met, and that meeting on an online dating site might garner more approval than the truth. I practiced saying, "We met at a Twitter charity event," a few times without laughing, but to no avail.

We both commented how thankful we were that: 1) he had come from Toronto to DC to spend time with his family and decided to volunteer at the event; and 2) I didn't end up going out with my friends that night and instead chose to go to the event to support Miriam's Kitchen and promote my blog. And, being the dork that I am, I let Buckeyes Boy know that he had me at Twestival!

After 1am, we headed into the bedroom. I wanted to have sex with him, but I knew that it was better to wait at least a little bit. And, thankfully, Buckeyes Boy respected that. It was an added bonus that all of that making out was hot enough to tide us over for a while.

The next morning, we stayed in bed late, kissing, snuggling and talking. This all just felt so right, and I felt so much for him so quickly. It seemed surreal, and yet, it wasn't. We were here…together! And, all those trite expressions:

You just haven't met the right one yet;

Love will find you when you least expect it/aren't looking for it; and

When it's right, you'll know…

Suddenly. Made. Sense!

A GREAT first date

September 2009

I went to bed after the Twestival with a huge smile on my face because of Buckeyes Boy. Eight hours later, I woke up and found that I was still thinking about him! I hadn't felt this excited about a new guy in a very long time!

I sat down at my laptop to write a blog post about how it felt to selectively come out to people as a relationship and sex blogger for the first time at the Twestival. I also included a paragraph about meeting Buckeyes Boy, our instant connection, and how I felt a bit unsettled about the fact that I gave him the business card with my blog info on it two minutes after meeting him.

After I finished the post, I e-mailed it to Buckeyes Boy. Twenty minutes later, my phone rang, and he was on the other line! [Insert giddy schoolgirl squeal here.] We talked for almost two hours, as we kept getting to know each other.

Me: So…did you have a chance to read the post I sent you?

Buckeyes Boy: Yeah, I really liked it and think you brought up a lot of great points about the double standard when it comes to sex. And, you're right! We all have pasts. At our age, that shouldn't be a big deal.

Me: I totally agree. And, in case you were wondering, the great guy I met last night was you!

Buckeyes Boy: I wasn't sure, but I was hoping that it was.

Me: Did you read anything else?

Buckeyes Boy: A few things, but I didn't spend much time on there. Robitussin! [We start cracking up since that's a line from one of my blow job posts.]

I didn't have any set plans that night, but I didn't want to seem like the dorky girl who was going to stay home and work on her thesis on a Friday night. I decided to risk that, though, since I really wanted to see him!

Me: What are you up to later?

Buckeyes Boy: I don't have anything planned. What are you going to do?

Me: I was just going to have pizza and watch American Gangster. Wanna come over and join me?

Buckeyes Boy: Yeah, I'd like that.

Buckeyes Boy arrived at my place at around 9pm. I felt so happy around him and loved how easily our conversation flowed.

I asked him more about his family and learned that his Mom had passed away when he was 25.

Me: I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how tough that is. My Mom died when I was 24.

To summarize a conversation that lasted over 20 minutes:

Buckeyes Boy: She and I were very close. She was my best friend and my biggest supporter. Things changed a lot after she passed away. [I nod with understanding since my family went through the same thing.] And, I can't imagine that my Mom will never meet my wife…that she'll never know my children.

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and gave him a huge hug.

Me: I feel exactly the same way. If you love someone that much, there's never a day that goes by in which you are okay with it. You just try to deal with it as best as you can.

We later talked about what a huge connection it was to have both lost our moms at the same age and to grieve and remember them in the same way. I was caught off guard by that because I have never met a guy who was so emoting and who could empathize with how I feel about having lost my Mom. Buckeyes Boy got it, though! And, because of that, I felt like he could really get me!

After we finished eating, we moved to the couch, and the subject of my blog came up again.

Me: I do kind of regret giving you my blog card. I feel pretty vulnerable that you have my entire relationship history at your disposal!

Buckeyes Boy: Don't worry too much about that! I want to learn about you from you, not through your posts. That's why I didn't read that much today. The only post I read closely was the one about you.

Me: Really? That makes me feel better. As we spend more time with each other, I'm sure I'll share more with you, but I don't want you to know intimate details about my past relationships anymore than I want to know a lot about your ex-girlfriends.

Buckeyes Boy: I understand. And, if I have anything to say about it, I'm going to be the last guy that you blog about. [I break out into a smile from ear-to-ear!]

We had kissed lightly throughout the evening, but then, Buckeyes Boy really kissed me. His kisses were unlike anything I had ever felt before. They were rougher, firmer, and involved a lot of tongue and biting. Before you think his kisses were sloppy or bad, let me clarify…the roughness was hot, the use of a lot of tongue was precise, and the biting got me wet even though his hands weren't anywhere near my jeans. We stayed on the couch making out for a while.

Me: It's getting late and I don't want you to leave. I was wondering if you'd like to spend the night, as long as it's cool if we stick with stuff above the waistline. I want to keep getting to know you before we go there.

Buckeyes Boy: [Laughs.] That would be great. [He kisses me again.]

We never watched a minute of American Gangster. At around 1am, we moved into the bedroom. We ended up staying up until 3am, talking and making out. He respected my rules and didn't even try to get in my pants. (That won him major points!) I felt safe in his arms and fell sound asleep next to him.

He awoke to a message from his sister, asking if he could join her for brunch. Buckeyes Boy and I kissed some more before we got out of bed. We both regretted that he had to leave so early, but we made plans to grab dinner and drinks later. I walked him to his car and even after he drove off, I couldn't stop smiling.

When I got back upstairs, I grabbed some breakfast and picked up the phone to call my girl, Nicole.

Me: I know this is going to sound crazy, but I think I met The One!

An anal query

One of my favorite bloggers sent me a great question via comment in response to my Anal 3.0 post:

I am a man and have no interest in anal sex. Does this make me a prude? How should I discuss this with a woman who really enjoys it?

His question made me think about the women who read my posts who have absolutely no interest in trying anal. At all. Ever.

Here are my thoughts:

1. I have no interest in anal sex. Does this make me a prude?

Of course not! Your sexual boundaries are for you alone to set. If anyone calls you a prude and you aren't in junior high at the time, then he or she really isn't someone to whom you should be devoting much energy! (Paging Brooklyn Boy. Paging Brooklyn Boy.)

It doesn't make you a prude, shy or unwilling to explore if you don't care to have anal sex. What constitutes sexual exploration is completely subjective so setting boundaries doesn't just apply to anal sex. You should stick with bedroom activities that make you feel comfortable (and hopefully, aroused). I'm not saying that you shouldn't expand your horizons and try something new, but how far you go and what you do is for you to decide. There is no wrong here. Whatever feels right to you is what's right!

2. How should I discuss my disinterest in anal sex with a partner who really enjoys it?

Anal sex isn't something that you tend to have by accident. Given how tight the anus is and the need for ample lubrication, it's doubtful that your cock is going to slip into your partner's ass. If either partner wants to enjoy some back door lovin', then prior communication is key! (It's not for nothing that in every sex advice post, I stress communication with your partner!)

If you aren't interested in anal sex, be honest and tell your partner why. Then, ask your partner what she likes about anal sex. Those answers might give you some clues as to what she finds so appealing and get you both thinking about how you can replicate the sensation by other means.

Are you open to licking her ass (rimming)? Could you pleasure her anally with fingers or a toy? Could you have oral or traditional sex with her while she has a toy in her ass? Does she enjoy the naughty factor of anal since it's not something that everyone does? If so, is there something else (sex in public, bondage, etc.) that you could try to give her that heightened level of satisfaction?

If the man is interested in having anal and the woman isn't, what could provide a similar tight sensation for him? Would he be open to having traditional sex with a cock ring? Playing with a pussy pocket or Tenga while his girl licks his balls or kisses him passionately? Watching a porn of anal sex while having traditional sex in a position that puts his woman's ass in clear view? Is the female amenable to a finger or two in her ass during foreplay or sex and would that provide him with enough excitement? Would more blow jobs satisfy him?

I think it's also important to determine if anal is a deal breaker for either party or could lead to one partner cheating on the other.

I would hope that everyone would be that open with their partner, especially if they are in a monogamous relationship, but unfortunately, that's not always the case. In the end, it's about communicating with your partner, finding sexual activities that respect both of your comfort zones, and enjoying your sex life!