Why won’t a guy do THAT?

Formspring, I haven’t forsaken you!

Question: My guy doesn’t go down. He did once for a very brief time, and I’m afraid that he doesn’t like my taste. I’m not interested in douching since it isn’t recommended by health specialists for causing Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID). So what can/should I do instead?

Answer: I’m sorry to read that you aren’t getting the attention you’d like in the bedroom. With that said, I don’t think this problem has anything to do with how you taste.

I doubt that anyone – guy or girl — would say that cum tastes like the sweetest delicacy around. Likewise, in all but the rarest cases, it doesn’t taste like the worst meal you’ve ever tried.

A shower before sex should ensure that everyone smells and tastes as fresh as he or she can. (You can also add pineapple in juice or solid form to your diet to help improve the taste of your cum.)

I commend you for staying away from douches, as they have been linked to PIDs, bacterial infections and other health issues. If you happen to have any abnormal discharge or a strong odor, you might want to make an appointment with your gynecologist. If you’re not sure, call your gynecologist! (And, guys, see your internist or a urologist if you have either of those symptoms!)

If you’re shower fresh and your man still doesn’t want to go down on you, what can you do?

1. Communicate with him. In your own words, you can either: a) tell him how much pleasure you receive from oral sex; b) ask him why he doesn’t do that to you or c) calmly say both of those things. Pick a time to broach the topic when you aren’t rushed, sex isn’t expected, and you can see his facial expressions. If he’s caught off guard by the question, let him know that he doesn’t have to answer you right then and there.

2. Flip it! The next time you are going down on him, get on top of him in a ‘69’ position. As you gently guide your pussy over his face before you take his cock back in your mouth, say something about how turned on you are by going down on him and how you’d love to cum together.

3. Bring in reinforcements. The reason that most women love oral sex is that the majority can’t orgasm without clitoral stimulation. (Not every guy knows this, though, so you might need to tell your man if that’s the case with you.)

If he takes his time with foreplay and using his hands, maybe introduce a small vibrating toy into the mix? If he’s not big on foreplay, have you thought of adding a vibrating cock ring or finger vibe to your bedroom routine?

4. Accept. Most guys of a certain age will at least make an effort to go down on a woman, but there are those men who categorically won’t. How important is this to you? Is the goal for you to cum or for him to go down on you to make you cum? Does your relationship – in or out of the bedroom – need to be 50/50? If you've answered in the affirmative, is that realistic?

I’ve often wondered why certain men don’t go down on women so I asked City Boy for the male perspective. He commented:

Men are visual creatures. The vagina isn’t something we fantasize about. We like what we can see, not what we can’t. Think of the most sensual parts of a woman – the breasts, hips, and butt. It’s never the vagina. We can’t easily touch that.

If a guy isn’t interested in going down, you can’t change him. If a woman doesn’t go down on a guy, it’s a lot easier to get her to change her mind. She’ll feel some sense of guilt if a guy gives her immense pleasure by going down on her. Eventually, that guilt will cause her to reciprocate. A guy won’t feel remorseful about the situation so he’s fine with it being one-sided.

So, readers, what are you thoughts? Have you encountered a man or woman who won’t go down on you? How did you handle it? Did City Boy and I miss anything?
 

Sex and…cancer?

Every 30 seconds, someone in the United States is diagnosed with cancer.

Last year, at age 37, I was one of those people.

I needed a lumpectomy to remove the two cancerous areas in my right breast, six rounds of chemotherapy and 30 sessions of radiation. I knew that treatment would be tough, but I didn’t realize just how tough it would be. I lost my signature long red locks, required 20 extra days of IVs to combat the side effects from chemotherapy, was thrown into early menopause, and gained 23 pounds from all the steroids.

As much as treatment affected me, I vowed that I wouldn’t let it stop me from participating in those activities that made me happy. I needed to maintain some sense of normalcy in my life, and continuing to prioritize my sexual health was a key part of that.

If you’re diagnosed with cancer, how can you preserve your normal sexual routine during surgery and treatment?

1. Talk to your doctor. Cancer treatment plans are customized for each individual patient. Your age at diagnosis, the stage and type of cancer, genetic predisposition, pre-existing health conditions and the likelihood of recurrence all play a role in the surgeon and oncologist’s recommendations.

Once you know the plan for your individual case, ask your doctor about any sexual restrictions. Be specific in your questions and inquire about each sexual activity that you enjoy so you know exactly what you’re allowed to do and not do, If you aren’t sure how to talk to your doctor about sex, check out my tips for initiating that conversation;

2. Assuming there’s no medical bar to you achieving orgasm, listen to your body and don’t push it. There will be some days throughout this process when you feel stronger than others. If you’re a female who uses sex toys, choose a smaller, less powerful toy like the Lelo Mia, Je Joue MiMi or Fun Factory LayaSpot. Try not to put pressure on yourself to orgasm as quickly or as often as you previously did. View this as time to relax and forget about cancer for a bit;

3. Treatment protocols can cause a myriad of side effects, including hair loss, extreme fatigue, hormonal fluctuations, weight changes, severe nausea, and burns. Surgery and reactions to treatment can negatively impact how patients view themselves.

“Anything that affects the female sexual organs will have repercussions on body image and on a woman’s sex life,” said Emily Hill, MD, a fourth year resident at the University of Chicago Medical Center, and lead author of a study on female cancer patients and sex.

As you try to process the changes to your body and psyche, give yourself permission to feel angry, sad and overwhelmed. Ask your oncologist for a list of support groups or counselors, talk to friends or former patients, become active in online communities, or journal about your experience to help you process. Strategize about what you can do to feel better about yourself.

If you’re a female who has lost her hair, decide if you feel more comfortable wearing a wig, scarf, hat or nothing at all. Do your best to embrace whatever mode you choose and remind yourself that your hair doesn’t represent your sexuality.

When I lost my hair, I made sure that I wore very dramatic eye makeup and heels. After I lost my eye lashes, I began to wear only bright red nail polish on my fingernails. What can you highlight or wear that will help you feel sexy?

4. If you’re in a relationship, it’s critical that you communicate with your partner during this time. He or she might not understand how treatment affects your body, self-image and sex life. Many male and female cancer patients complain of a decrease in sex drive. Females undergoing chemotherapy can also experience menopause-like symptoms of hot flashes, mood changes and vaginal dryness.

If you’re unable to have sex (because of pain, lack of drive, or doctor’s orders), think of how you can remain connected to your significant other. Kissing, cuddling, massages, candles or bathing together are great ways to maintain a level of intimacy with your partner during a health crisis.

When you are able to have sex, talk to your significant other about what positions are the most comfortable for you. Let your partner know that you will need to be treated with extra tender loving care in the bedroom and speak up the moment that anything hurts. Both you and your significant other will need to be patient to help you reach orgasm. If you’ve been fighting nausea, keep mints on your nightstand to make the experience easier to stomach. It’s also advisable to invest in a high-quality lubricant like Liquid Silk or Sliquid to ensure that sex isn’t painful; and

5. If you’d like to have as much sex as possible during treatment, and your doctor is okay with that, then please do so! Likewise, if you don’t feel up to having sex at all, then go with that.

Cancer and treatment will put enough of a toll on you physically and emotionally so there’s no need to add to your stress and frustration. Go easy on yourself and do whatever feels normal and natural to you. If you aren’t sure what to do, talk to your doctor, a nurse, members of a support group, and/or your partner. There are resources and reinforcements out there to help make this difficult time easier to bear – physically, emotionally and sexually.

My go-to guy

In 2011, Best Boy and I went from seeing each other twice a week to once a week. (I wasn't exactly sure why that was, but I didn't have a problem with it either.) In February, I saw him shortly before I headed off to the beach with Philly Matt and my friends.

Th events that transpired at the beach marked the end of my friendship with Philly Matt. I texted Best Boy on my ride home from Rehoboth, saying:

Any chance you’re free tonight? Long weekend. Would love one of your hugs.

Best Boy:  Heading downtown for a meeting. Will come over after. Hope you're ok.

When Best Boy arrived at my place, he was comforting. I didn’t want to talk about what had happened over the weekend. I just wanted him to hold me close, and he did that without me asking him.

Best Boy and I had sex that evening, and again in the morning. It wasn’t mind-blowing, but I was content with our sexual routine.

As we were laying in bed talking, I commented:

I just want my old life back. I’m tired of feeling so sick all the time and looking like this. What kind of cruel joke is it to get a type of cancer that causes you to gain weight?

Best Boy: You don't look like you’ve gained weight.

Me [staring at him with wide eyes]: I’ve gained 23 pounds!

Best Boy lifted up the covers and really looked at my body.

Best Boy: Where?!? I don’t see it.

I kissed him and shook my head with a smile on my face.

Me: Thighs, belly, ass. All over. [I laugh.] You flatter me, but I’ll take it!

Later, as we were both working on my couch, Best Boy asked me what had happened at the beach. I gave him a brief summary of events, and we got into an interesting discussion about the Friends’ Code.

Is it acceptable to sleep with your ex's friends or your friends' exes? Does it matter how close you are to the friend or were to the ex?

Best Boy and I fell into a similar camp in that it depended on whether we loved the ex or not. He recalled how I had tried to set him up with my friend, D, back in September.

Me: Yeah, I so tried to make that one happen for you! But, that was then. I would not be cool with that now.

Best Boy: You wouldn’t?

Me: No. I care about you too much now to be okay with that.

We talked about how the situation applied to our relationship. To this day, I don’t know if Mr. Exec is truly okay with how close Best Boy and I have gotten. But, the fact that Mr. Exec and I never loved each other or were that serious mattered – to all three of us.

When Best Boy headed off to work, I gave him a long hug and kiss goodbye.

Me: Thank you. For everything.

Best Boy was important to me, but I still didn’t feel like I knew if our relationship was going anywhere. And, if so, where?

I decided not to spend too much time overanalyzing what Best Boy and I were and where we were going. I knew that time would tell.

As a postscript:

For those of you who are interested in what I looked like bald and heavy from steroids, click here to see my interview on Let’s Talk Live.
 

I’d rather be bald!

When I went to the Infusion Room last month, the nurses all looked at me with surprise and excitement.

Nurse: Your hair is growing so fast!

Me: I know.

Manager: It looks great.

Me: Thanks! But, I’d rather be bald than have short hair.

And, I honestly would. I appreciate that an overwhelming majority of women feel differently from me on this issue, but I’m always going to be upfront about my views.

I’ve received compliments on my hair from friends and strangers. To my friends, I respond:

Thanks! I hate it, though.

Friends: You do? I think it highlights your face and looks sexy! Why don’t you like it?

Me: It’s not me. When I was bald, no one assumed that I chose that look. With short hair, people think I did. I like short hair on other people, but I don't like it on me. Never have. My long hair is part of my identity.

When strangers ask me where I get my hair cut, I reply:

Umm…this is from chemo.

They look at me with worry in their eyes, and I assure them that I wasn’t offended in the slightest by their comment.

Me: No worries! I appreciate the compliment. (Hey, I've never denied being vain.)

But, I still don’t look in the mirror or at photographs of myself and see me. It might be my mind’s way of coping with a change over which I've had no control, or it might be that I don’t consider my recuperation finished until my old long locks are back.

The goal is this:

  

Photo Credit: Guest of a Guest at Hudson Restaurant

But, I promise to stop rolling my eyes and whining when my hair reaches my shoulders. For those of you who know me, do you really see me with a modern pixie or a soccer mom bob? Really? It's going to be a rough two years between my current Sheena Easton 'do and long hair!

Since this post is all about what I’m missing, I’ll also add eyelashes and fingernails into the mix. My eyelashes had finally started growing back, but I lost half of them last week taking my mascara off. And, just this week – more than SIX months after my last round of chemotherapy, my last dead fingernail fell off. I never imagined that losing fingernails would be so painful, but it still hurts a bit to type or text.

There are many things that I will never take for granted again. Ponytails, frizz, long lashes and healthy nails are all high on that list!

Thanks for indulging me during my Cancer-versary Week! I’ll get back to dating stories, product reviews and sex advice posts tomorrow. xoxo
 

The Evil Cancer Med – Part II

In late May, I started an oral medication, tamoxifen, to block the estrogen in my body in the hopes of preventing my cancer from returning. (Research has shown that tamoxifen is as helpful as chemotherapy in that regard.)

On one full dose and four half doses over the course of five days, my body expressed much displeasure! I couldn’t concentrate much or sleep well. I was nauseous, vomiting and dizzy. I had an almost constant headache and intense hot flashes.

I had plans to attend a charity event on a Friday evening in late May, but I cancelled them because I felt so nauseous and tired. An hour later, as I was watching some guilty pleasure television, I had a dark thought. Correction, a really dark thought.

That’s not my personality so I had a confused expression on my face. (Imagine me looking at myself oddly, if that’s possible.) I decided to just keep focusing on my show. An hour later, another really dark thought entered my head.

I thankfully know myself very well. I’m not one who gets that stressed or depressed about health issues. I’ve also never questioned whether I would survive treatment or whether I wanted to survive. (Of course, I would and I do!)

I knew that tamoxifen had caused me to have these thoughts. I picked up the telephone and called one of my best friends. After talking to her for 15 minutes, I called my oncologist on his cell phone. I apologized for bothering him on a Friday evening, but acknowledged that I didn’t think this should wait until Monday. He agreed, saying:

This isn’t you. This is the medication. This side effect is a very rare one, but I know that it has happened to some of my patients over the years. Stop the tamoxifen immediately. It will take time for the drug to get out of your system. Try to be patient, and we’ll figure out another drug for you to take when I see you next.

My normal thoughts and sex drive returned within 36 hours. I started sleeping better and concentrating with greater ease within a week. But, the headaches, vomiting and intense hot flashes persisted for another three weeks.

When I saw my oncologist next, he commented that one in 20 patients has this reaction.

"5%?" I inquired, as he nodded. "That's not a very rare side effect!"

I’m not one who believes that the pharmaceutical industry is one big conspiracy or that the health care field is trying to take all our money. But, the more I read about tamoxifen, the more concerned I am about why this drug is oncologists’ first resort.

EHealthMe recently analyzed 49 FDA reports and surveyed patients about their reactions to tamoxifen. The study determined that 49 people out of 6,123 patients reported suicidal thoughts while taking the drug. That’s 8% of patients, and this is NOT listed as a possible side effect of the medication!

It worries me that patients and oncologists aren’t talking about the potential risk before starting treatment, especially given how many women are taking tamoxifen. The drug has also been linked to increasing risks of uterine and liver cancers, estrogen receptor negative breast cancer, and blood clots.

If you have breast cancer, tamoxifen might be the right choice for your treatment plan. I know several women who are taking the drug and have tolerated it well. There also are other drugs out there with similar purposes and less known side effects.

Research supports that the benefits of tamoxifen or similar estrogen blocking medications outweigh the risks. Nonetheless, I'm not exactly looking forward to starting a new medication in July.

Have you or a loved one taken tamoxifen? If so, how was the drug tolerated?

What would you do if you had an alarming reaction to a medication?

How do you deal with a medical problem that happens after typical office hours?
 

The Evil Cancer Med

If a person is diagnosed with breast cancer, a doctor runs tests on the cancer cells to determine if they are:

1. Estrogen receptor positive;
2. Progesterone receptor positive; and
3. HER2/neu positive.

What does that even mean?

Well, for the first two, do estrogen and progesterone (hormones that naturally occur in the body) cause the cancer cells to grow? Approximately 75% of breast cancer patients test positive for estrogen receptors, and 66% of patients for progesterone receptors. Hormone receptor positive cancer grows slower than cancer that isn't hormone receptor positive.

The latter category, HER2/neu, occurs when there's a gene mutation and the cancer tests positive for an excess of proteins on the cells. These proteins cause the cancer to be aggressive and fast growing. Only 20% of patients test positive for HER2/neu.

I had triple-positive breast cancer since I tested positive for the hormone and protein receptors. My aggressive strain of cancer was thankfully caught early, and I can benefit from the use of drugs that help prevent a recurrence and lower the amount of estrogen and progesterone in my body.

Once every three weeks for a year, I receive an IV of Herceptin to kill the protein receptors on my cancer cells and reduce the change of this returning. (Thanks to chemotherapy, radiation and Herceptin, my rate of a Stage 4 (metastatic) recurrence within 10 years went from a minimum of 60% to 15%!)

Compared to chemotherapy, receiving an IV of Herceptin is a breeze! The side effects are mild, and the IV takes only 30-40 minutes out of my day. Once I finish receiving Herceptin in late September, I should be done with visits to the Chemo Room!

If you meet someone who says that she has triple negative breast cancer, she has the most aggressive type of breast cancer. Aside from surgery, chemotherapy and radiation, there’s nothing yet available to help prevent the cancer from recurring. I hope and pray that research will advance in the very near future to change that.

For those of us who are hormone receptor positive, the most commonly prescribed oral medication to block estrogen in our system in the hopes of preventing a recurrence is tamoxifen.

I prefer to call the drug: The Evil Cancer Med.

Tamoxifen is taken once a day for five years. When I read about the potential side effects, I was concerned. I talked to my oncologist about the fact that tamoxifen causes a lot of the side effects (nausea, vomiting, dizziness, headaches and fevers) that I already have from my other health conditions. By early May, I was finally starting to feel more like myself, and I honestly didn’t want to be sick again.

My doctor assured me that the majority of patients tolerate tamoxifen well. Tamoxifen has been used for over 30 years, and it's as essential to preventing a recurrence as chemotherapy.

“Okay,” I thought to myself. “This is important.”

I said a prayer before I took the first dose. That evening, I started to feel nauseous and then vomited. Several hours later, I got a very bad migraine. I took my strong migraine medicine, but the pain and vomiting lasted through the morning.

I called the oncologist’s office, and they suggested that I switch to a half dose of the medication. As the week progressed, the side effects – even on a half of a dose – increased. I was still nauseous with a dull headache. I felt dizzy, I had trouble sleeping, and I would cry for no reason. It took me an entire afternoon to edit a few pages that I wrote. And, sapping my body of estrogen sent my sex drive from 100mph to 0mph. (Did I still have sex? Of course. But, I had a really hard time reaching orgasm.)

I’ve had hot flashes since early November when I started to have chemo-induced menopause. But, the tamoxifen quadrupled them.

This is City Girl.

This is City Girl having a hot flash.

Notice how my face matched the color of my hair and dress!

I wondered how my body would handle the full dose of tamoxifen – everyday for FIVE years! But, then, something happened that made my doctor stop my use of the drug immediately.

To be continued…

 

A Cancer-versary Thank You

A year ago today, I was sitting in my stylist’s chair at my hair salon, when my cell phone vibrated in my lap. I saw that it was Sibley Hospital and excused myself to answer the call. As I remember how I felt when I heard the news from my doctor that I had cancer, I have tears in my eyes and goose bumps on my arms.

I think of the moments in my life that helped shape me into the person I am today, and being diagnosed with cancer at 37 years of age is definitely high on that list. I wouldn’t wish the past year on my worst enemy, but in the midst of the lows of treatment, I’m grateful for all my blessings.

I’m thankful for:

1. Knowing My Body. I've been vigilant about conducting self exams and contacting my breast surgeon, whenever I found a lump;

2. Early Detection. I had an aggressive strain of cancer that was caught early during my annual mammogram. Health technology isn’t perfect, but getting mammograms every year is the best thing that women can do for their breast health;

3. A Great Medical Team. At Sibley Hospital, I've worked with doctors who are experts in the field because they deal with breasts exclusively;

4. Health Insurance. Every step of this process is expensive, and a recent study discussed how many people with cancer are forced to declare bankruptcy. I appreciate that in the midst of such a difficult year, I didn’t have to worry about medical coverage;

5. My Other Health Problems. Treatment and the side effects were horrid, but I'm glad that I never became clinically depressed or questioned whether I was going to make it. I know far too many women who were not that lucky – either because they were diagnosed after the cancer had spread or they hadn’t ever emotionally processed major health issues before. I was as prepared as I could have been for surgery and treatment, and am fortunate enough not to be among the 30% of women who suffer from anxiety or depression after beating cancer;

6. This Blog. I had a forum through which I could express myself. With every post that I wrote, I was able to process my emotions and let go;

7. The Cause. Early on, I vowed to make this about more than just me. In the past year, I’ve volunteered, advocated and raised money for breast cancer awareness, prevention and research. Through helping others, I found a sense of peace as to why I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And, on the advocacy front, I know I'm just getting started;

8. The Wisdom to Know the Difference. There were loved ones who had a difficult time processing my cancer. They either couldn't help me out at all during treatment or had to make it all about them. There were acquaintances that clearly were uncomfortable with the fact that I didn't wear a wig. There were a few people who thought that I used my diagnosis to get attention. There were those who assumed treatment was easy because it was caught at Stage 1 or they would see me in public with a smile on my face. There were those who told me that I must be feeling fine when they saw that my hair was growing back.

I could go on and on, but everyone else’s thoughts and feelings were just that – everyone else’s! I couldn't take other people's comments or actions personally, and I knew better than to try to own their feelings about my illness;

9. Mr. Exec for letting me go without a fight;

10. Philly Matt for convincing me to continue with my treatment plan, even though the doctor had changed my protocol at the eleventh hour;

11. Mr. Agency for reminding me that I was sexy no matter how I felt or looked;

12. Best Boy for being there. When the going got rough, he stayed and helped;

13. My Cancer Crew. (I can't type this part without sobbing.) AB, AF, LF, TL, NP, LV – I honestly don’t know what I did in a past life to deserve friends as giving and wonderful as you. I can’t imagine those people who have to go through treatment alone, and because of you all, I never had to. Thank you will never, ever seem sufficient. I love you all with all my heart;

14. My Friends. Every note, every virtual comment, every care package and every visit meant so much to me. The compassion, support and love you’ve shown me helped get me through the many days in which treatment got the best of me. There’s a reason why friends are the family we choose for ourselves, and I’m very blessed to have such an amazing support system; and

15. YOU! Yes, YOU! The overwhelming kindness of my readers and online friends was humbling, motivating and so very appreciated. I hope that there will be a day in the future when I can give you a hug in person. Your emails, comments, gifts and tweets always brightened my day and my spirits.

In one year, I’ve grown more than I have in the past decade. Thank you for joining me for this portion of my journey and for being so supportive. I hope you’ll continue to come along for the ride. xoxo
 

The end. For real.

On President's Day Weekend, I went to the beach…and I lost one of my best friends.

I'm not publishing the story of what my ex-boyfriend and close friend, Philly Matt, did. But, I have written about it. If you're interested in having me send you what I wrote, please comment, email me at citygirlblogs (at) gmail (dot) com, or send me your email via Tweet or text message.

An odd first date – Part II

As my odd first date with Hampton Man continued, I felt like I was watching a fender bender. It wasn't the worst first date that I had ever been on, but it wasn’t good either. In the back of my head, I laughed to myself, thinking:

Well, at least I’ll get an interesting blog post out of this.

I let Hampton Man do most of the talking when it came to his last relationship. But, when he called his ex-girlfriend, Janine, a “whore,” I had to speak up:

I have a problem with guys using that word to describe a woman. I get that she hurt you, but that’s not cool.

Hampton Man: How else should I describe a woman who lied to me and slept with another guy behind my back?

We were already in so deep that I just kept going.

Me: So, she cheated on you and you’re hurt?

Hampton Man: Yes.

Me: Have you tried talking to her at all?

Hampton Man: She said she loved me and kept lying to me. And, we talked some more after I found out, but I don’t think I can trust her anymore. [Pause.] I told her where I was coming from, and she was fine with that. She said that she didn’t want to be with anyone else.

Me [slightly confused]: So, where were you coming from?

Hampton Man: I’m not the monogamous type.

Me [with wide and incredulous eyes]: Wait a minute. You broke up with her because she slept with someone else, and yet, YOU were sleeping with someone else?

Hampton Man: But she knew that from the beginning!

Me: And, you think that makes it right?

Hampton Man: I’m honest. I don’t actively seek out other women, but if I feel a connection with someone, I’ll act on it. All of my guy friends cheat on their girlfriends and wives behind their backs, and no one is ever the wiser. I’m not going to do it like that.

Me: Why even get into a relationship then?

Hampton Man: I like coming home to someone…going on trips…spending the holidays…all that stuff. But, I don’t want to pretend that I’m going to be 100% sexually monogamous if I might not be.

Me: Being honest doesn’t negate the fact that the monogamy piece is often essential to having a solid commitment and strong level of trust. So, why did you get so upset with Janine?

Hampton Man: Well, she said that she would never have sex with anyone else…that I was the only man she would be with…and then she slept with someone else and hid it from me.

Me: I’m not saying she should’ve lied to you, but a relationship that’s only monogamous from one party would be tough to sustain.

Hampton Man kept insisting that it was most important that he was honest. He then proceeded to list all of his relationship faults, hypothesizing about how natural selection and events from his childhood had led him to this place. He mentioned family issues, his need for independence and some analogy with the male lion. I tried not to roll my eyes too much as I commented:

At least you’re self-aware.

Hampton Man: Aren’t you glad I told you?

Me: Well, in one sense, yes. I would have considered sleeping with you down the road, but now, I’ll think a lot harder about that. It might have been nice to just have a typical first date, though.

Hampton Man: Well, it’s not to say that I wouldn’t change for the right woman.

Me [with a skeptical look]: Maybe.

The end of our drinks date involved him showing me pictures of his ex-girlfriend. I did talk for a few minutes about my relationships with Mr. Agency, Mr. Exec and Best Boy and wasn’t surprised when Hampton Man didn’t know any of them by their first names.

We ended the date discussing legal policy and how it relates to one of his practice areas. He again admitted that it was tough for him to stay motivated as a solo practitioner in Virginia, but he suggested that we talk more about this in the future. I was amenable to that. (I do miss practicing so I could discuss my former specialty ad nauseum.)

As we walked outside, he offered me a ride home, but I politely declined. Hampton Man indicated that he wanted to see me again. I said that would be nice, although I didn't know if I cared to ever go out with him again. But, as “friends” or colleagues, he was interesting to talk to so I didn’t want to close the door entirely.

I headed home, feeling exhausted. But, as it would turn out, my night was far from over.

To be continued…
 

An odd first date

What constitutes a perfect first date to you?

From my perspective, I like when I find myself giddy with excitement and a touch of nervousness before the date itself. I take the time to figure out just the right outfit to wear. My heart is open to the possibilities, but I have no expectations of where the date might lead. The location is conducive to romance or shows thoughtful planning without seeming forced.

On the date itself, conversation is easy without any awkward pauses. Both of us present our authentic selves in the best possible light. At the end of the night, there might even be a soft kiss with enough open mouth to desire more, but enough restraint to be respectful. By the time we part, we've discussed when we'll be seeing each other again. That's a great first date, as I see it.

Unfortunatey, my first date with Hampton Man in the middle of February met almost none of the aforementioned criteria.

He was fighting a cold.

I was in the middle of five radiation treatments a week and felt exhausted.

I felt neither excited nor nervous and didn't go home to change after brunch with my girlfriends.

I wasn't sure where I stood with Best Boy, and I had just started having sex again with Mr. Agency.

Hampton Man isn’t a planner, and by his own admission, he is very unmotivated when the weather is cold. He deferred to me as to when and where so I squeezed him into my schedule and picked a place (the bar at Kramerbooks & Afterwords Cafe) that was convenient for me.

When he arrived at the bar, we hugged hello and sat down to talk. He hadn’t taken anything for his cold, and it was obvious that he was feeling poorly. Although he was sick, he still was very easy on the eyes.

We started talking about sports and then moved to work. When the topic turned to the night we met, he said:

I really liked your confidence. And your smile. You have amazing lips.

I blushed and thanked him. When the conversation moved to where we socialize, we talked about how surprising it was that we hadn't met sooner. We figured out that he frequents places in the U Street Corridor, whereas I can usually be found in Georgetown or West End. Out of the blue, he asked:

When was your last relationship?

Me: As in someone I loved or someone I dated?

Hampton Man: Both.

Me [with a giggle part out of amusement and part of awkwardness]: Isn’t this an odd topic to broach on a first date? [Pause, as I realize that he really wants to talk about this.] I was very serious with someone in 2009. Last year, my focus was less on relationships, but more on getting through treatment, although I dated a couple of guys.

Hampton Man: What are their names?

Me: Excuse me?

Hampton Man: I want to make sure that I don’t know anyone you went out with.

Me: I doubt that you know them well, if at all.

Hampton Man: So, what are their names?

Me: I don’t know that I feel comfortable sharing that with you an hour after our first drinks date. [I laugh and give a slight eye roll.] Are you going to tell me about your previous relationships?

I had viewed that question as rhetorical, but he answered with a diatribe about his long-term relationship with his ex-girlfriend, Janine. Although I didn’t want to judge a man I barely knew, I sensed a few yellow flags:

1. He really wanted to talk about their relationship, their problems and how she hurt him. That’s usually a sign that the break up is fresh or at least that there are unresolved feelings;

2. He commented that his ex-girlfriend was a “whore.” I appreciate that she hurt him, but I’m not one for misogynistic terms; and

3. He made a point to talk about how she wasn’t as educated or accomplished as we were. I wasn’t sure why that was even relevant, but it was a bit off putting.

I tried to reconcile the fact that Hampton Man was intelligent and handsome with a relatively peaceful energy with what he relayed to me about his last relationship. I hadn’t yet decided whether I wanted our first date to be our last, but the next hour helped clarify that for me:

To be continued…