Assuaging a husband’s fears about sex toys

Question: I've never used an adult toy before, but lately, I've found myself wanting to try one. I mentioned the idea to my husband, and he got pretty offended by the suggestion. I asked him, "Why?" and he just told me that I'm married so I shouldn't need any toys. What should I do?

I posed this question to readers and Facebook followers, and received some great responses!

Susan questioned the husband's reasoning, writing, “It all comes down to why he 'doesn't like the idea,' yes? My best advice would be for them to go together to one of the classes that a local enlightened toy store holds and open up the discussion. If his unwillingness to 'allow' his wife to experiment with what feels good to her is because he's closed-minded, I'm not sure what to say.”

And, Teacher Girl suggested the following:

I would just buy one anyway and start using it on your own when he isn't around to learn what you like. Then, when you know and you are comfortable, invite him to watch you use the toy one day. I am sure he will be so turned on that he will learn that toys are not the enemy!

How would I tackle the situation?

1. Decide if you’re interested in using a toy by yourself or with your partner. If it’s for your own personal use, follow Teacher Girl’s advice. You can determine if and how you like the toy and if and when to invite your partner into the mix.

2. Communicate openly with your husband about why you want to try a toy and what his concerns are. In a recent study by Indiana University, research indicated that approximately half of those men and women surveyed had used a vibrator with their partner. It’s perfectly normal to want to experiment with sex toys, and it’s perfectly normal not to. (As with all intimate communication, broach this discussion at a time when both of you aren’t feeling rushed and there’s no expectation of sex.)

3. Figure out what your husband’s concerns are and if it’s possible to assuage his fears. At times, couples just need to agree to disagree. Your first toy might end up being something that you use discreetly by yourself. Or, there can be a meeting of the…let’s go with minds. Impress upon your husband that toys aren’t a substitute for sex or intimacy. Your interest in a vibrator doesn’t mean that you don’t want to have sex or that he doesn’t excite you. Rather, you hope that using a toy will make your sex life even better by increasing your pleasure and his!

4. Pick the right toy for you. Check out good recommendations for beginners. If you’ll be using a toy with your husband, find a toy that isn’t intimidating or phallic looking like the Lelo Siri. Then introduce it for a few minutes into your bedroom routine. You can also purchase a toy that’s intended for couple’s use like the Lelo Tor or Fun Factory Smart Balls. Another option is Teacher Girl’s idea to invite your husband to watch you pleasure yourself. If you're not sure what to buy or how to use the toys, follow Susan's advice and check out a sex-positive boutique or website!

I hope that with some communication and creativity, you and your husband figure out that you are both fans of sex toys in the bedroom. Keep me posted!

So, readers, what suggestions do you have? Did I miss anything?

On attachment and feelings

As the youngest in my class in 5th grade, I watched a few of my friends get their first bras. One afternoon, I stuffed tissues down my shirt and giggled with my friends about what I would look like with boobs.

In 7th grade, I missed over a month of school due to health issues. When I returned to a reduced schedule, I was 5’3” and 75 pounds.

In 9th grade, I started filling out. I went from wearing a training bra to a C-cup seemingly overnight. I wasn't self-conscious about my curves, but I didn't fit in socially either.

When I moved overseas in my sophomore year in high school, I vowed to reinvent myself. My braces were off, my hair was longer, and I began to embrace my body. I wanted attention from the boys and invites to all the parties, and that’s exactly what I got!

Through that time, I began to associate my boobs and long hair with my power and sexuality. As my breast got bigger and bigger and my hair got longer and longer, that increased exponentially.

I wear between a 34F and a 34G bra right now. I am very attached to my tits. (If I could write that sentence 500 times in all capitals and bold letters, it still wouldn’t do my attachment justice.)

When I come to after surgery on April 25th, I will be an A-cup for the first time in 26 years.

I an angry at cancer.

I'm disappointed that I’m not eligible for immediate reconstruction.

I am sad that I have to go through this all without my mom. (She passed away from cancer in 1997.)

I am heartbroken that through chemotherapy and this upcoming surgery, I will have lost the physical attributes that I’m most attached to. My hair and my tits were my signatures. Cancer will have taken both of them from me.

I’m slightly concerned that even after mastectomies, I will still have a 5% chance of developing breast cancer in the left breast and 12% in the right breast.

And, I’m very disappointed that so much misinformation is out there for women wanting to learn about the process.

Do I have faith that I will get through this experience? Of course.

Will I live my life as though cancer is never returning? Yes.

Do I take comfort in making this experience about more than just me? Definitely.

Do I stress less, cry less and put up with less crap than I did before cancer? Sure.

Do I laugh less than I did before cancer? Yes…unfortunately.

Do I know that my worth and my identity are more than the sum of my physical parts? Deep down, I do.

Do I look forward to the day when this experience is a distant memory? Every. Single. Day.

What are you attached to?
 

Sex Ed

The vows of abstinence break far more than latex — Dr. Joycelyn Elders.

These powerful words from the closing keynote at last week’s Momentum Conference on Sexuality, Feminism and Relationships are still resonating with me. Dr. Elders joined fellow panelists and sexual educators Lara Riscol and Esther Perel to speak about Sex in America: Changing the Conversation between Smut and Sanctimony. The highlights on Storify are available here.

A fair amount of the session addressed the need for comprehensive sex education throughout the lifespan. Dr. Elders also commented that:

The best contraception is a good education.

The panel’s focus on sex education reminded me of one of my Sexuality and Social Media students’ projects. Demi is writing about whether sex should be discussed in the classroom. Specifically, she's exploring the conversation of sex education in schools and examining age appropriate health class discussions, contraception accessibility, and the teacher-student relationship in the classroom. She also is summarizing the sex education debate and concluding to what extent sexuality should be incorporated into the academic curriculum.

Demi has looked at reports about sex education in schools in the US, and the statistics are interesting to say the least. According to the National Conference of State Legislatures:

• 37 states require school districts to allow parental involvement in sexual education programs;
• Three states require parental consent before a child can receive instruction;
• 35 states and the District of Columbia allow parents to opt-out on behalf of their children;
• 21 states and the District of Columbia require public schools to teach sex education (including HIV education);
• 35 states and the District of Columbia require students receive instruction about STIs and HIV/AIDS; and
• 17 states require sex education curricula to be medically accurate and/or age appropriate. State policies vary in their determination of “medically accurate;” some require that state health departments review curricula, while others require that the facts taught come from “published authorities upon which medical professionals rely.”

I find it fascinating that so many legislatures and parents in this day and age still question the necessity of sex education. As Dr. Elders and so many other sex educators opine, sex education should occur from kindergarten through 12th grade. I look forward to reading more about Demi's findings.

What type of sex education, if any, did you receive? Did any of the above statistics surprise you?

Bully

I couldn't watch the trailer for the documentary, Bully, without tearing up. I hope that this movie shines a bright light on the serious and systemic problem of bullying and encourages dialogue, tolerance and education.

The movie made me think about a time in my life when I was bullied. In the hopes that more people will communicate about this topic, here is my story:

Geek. Prude. Nerd.

These were all words I was used to hearing in 9th grade. Sure, I had my group of good friends, but they were all in the band and on Academic Team like me. Other factors also influenced where I fit in – or didn’t – back in high school:

• I was a year younger than the rest of the class so I developed later than most.
• I was a teacher’s pet.
• We were one of the few non-Italian Catholic families in town.
• I identified as a feminist since kindergarten.

I had tried to talk to my mom about not fitting in before, but she believed that I would outgrow that like she did.

“Just ignore them,” she told me. “It won’t matter years from now anyway.”

One day in Spanish class, our teacher brought us all into the auditorium. (She was the point person for an assembly that afternoon on the Revolutionary War and needed to set up.) Our class was told to stand quietly in the back of the room for the entire period. A few of the popular girls started looking at the props for the assembly, and three of them picked up muskets.

It didn’t take long before the leader of the group turned her musket toward me and the other two girls followed. They pretended to take shots at my head, as they said things like:

“The world would be a better place if you were dead.”

"I wish there were real bullets in these guns."

This went on for 20 minutes.

I ignored them and just took it – part out of pride and part out of fear. The rest of the class was there, but no one said or did anything. The teacher was too far away to hear or see, and she never came back to check on the class.

A few days later, my father’s employer offered him the chance to move overseas. He vacillated about going, until I told him that I would join him. In less than a month, I was in Turkey and had reinvented myself.

I realize how many kids had and have it far worse than I did. I also know that 99.99% of bullied youth don’t have the luxury of making the problem disappear by moving halfway around the world.

I saw the ringleader at our 20th High School Reunion. I said hello to her, and left it at that. In the back of my head, though, I wondered if she was raising her child to be more tolerant than she was. I fervently hope so.

What are your thoughts on the documentary? Do you believe there should have been such a controversy over the movie's rating?

Is it sex?

How do you define sex?

I’ve written about this topic before, and I acknowledge that my definition has been very heteronormative. I’m a straight female who has only had sex with male partners. I consider it sex when there’s penetration vaginally or anally, but I don’t consider it sex when I give or receive oral sex.

I’ve been wondering lately, though, if my definition of sex marginalizes those who don’t identify with me. I would never question whether my lesbian friends needed to have penetration to be intimate with a partner so why do definitions matter so much? If my partner cheated on me with only oral sex, would I say that he hadn’t cheated on me? Of course not!

I started thinking about this a lot after reading the posts of one of my students, Carmen Rios. Carmen writes for Autostraddle, the world’s most popular, independently owned website for lesbian, bisexual and queer women. In a post on her blog about Learning About Sex Online, Carmen quotes the following passage from the e-zine:

We’ve gotten at least five billion questions via email and formspring from lesbians of all ages who haven’t had lesbian sex and are worried they don’t know “how.” Well, listen: enjoying sex isn’t about memorizing 16 positions or knowing the best angle to fuck from, enjoying sex is half-animal half-heart and only rarely has it got anything to do with your rational brain, or cognitive reasoning, or anything a person could tell you or anything you could read on the internet.

And whereas it’s true that one day you’ll be more confident and experienced than you are now, it’s also true that your body was born knowing how to have sex like it knows how to eat and knows how to walk. Your first time doesn’t have to be a big deal; some of us don’t even remember our first times. Alternately, if you want it to be a big deal, it can be. But ultimately every woman is different — totally, completely, entirely different — from the next. So what could we tell you, really?

In her project for my Sexuality and Social Media class, Carmen is exploring "the intersection of queer people, sex, and the Internet. The Internet is the new forefront for education. But for people who didn’t learn anything that applicable in sex education, it’s the entire classroom experience. [She wants] to examine how that changes the understanding of sex for queer people, and how the Internet has impacted their sexual lives."

Carmen included this chart on her blog recently, and I smiled when I saw it:

 

I like the way Autostraddle defines sex by not defining it narrowly or in a way that excludes anyone. I guess it’s time that I do the same. Does that mean I have to change my number, though ;)?

So, how do you define sex? Do you have a number of partners, and what had to happen to include a person on that list?

What if your man isn’t a fan…of toys?

Let's try something new, shall we?

I receive several questions from readers and friends every week. You all give such great advice that I had an idea:

I relay one question a week. You all give your answers in the comments section. Then, in a few days, I'll write a post with my answer and include hyperlinks to a couple of commenters' blogs.

How does that sound?

Okay…here goes!

Question: I've never used an adult toy before, but lately, I've found myself wanting to try one. I mentioned the idea to my husband, and he got pretty offended by the suggestion. I asked him, "Why?" and he just told me that I'm married so I shouldn't need any toys. What should I do?

The Science of Love

I rarely write about my dating life anymore, but suffice it to say that I'm happy. Really happy.

I'm with a man who is kind, communicative and loyal. I haven't always (often?) been able to say that I'm dating a good man, but I can now. And, that's perfect for this stage in my life.

My heart races a bit when I see him, and I feel this rush when he hugs me. When we're not together, I find myself daydreaming a lot and having trouble concentrating.

One of my Sexuality and Social Media students, Gabrielle, might tell me that it's the dopamine talking. For her class research project, Gabrielle is:

Comparing and contrasting the chemical processes that occur within the human body during online dating and face-to-face relationships.  There is a rise in the chemical Oxytocin when social media users meet a love interest online as well as during a physical relationship.  However, Pheromones are chemicals physically given off by the body and spark attraction within a romantic partner.  Does dating through social media hinder the chemical processes of love or have our brains adapted to this modern way of life?

This post that Gabrielle wrote about the chemistry of love had me thinking about my own life:

Dopamine is first released (Newman 9).  It is what makes a person want to spend more time with his or her love interest and gives them the initial “butterflies” (9).  This neurotransmitter is also released when someone drinks or does drugs like caffeine, cocaine and crystal methamphetamine (Tomlinson).  The chemical process of love actually induces addictive like behavior, “which explains the feeling of being addicted to your partner” (Newman, 9).  A dopamine release also increases a person’s heart rate and energy, as well as restlessness (Tomlinson).

Dopamine is also the high a person feels when she or he takes a risk like skydiving or snowboarding down a half-pipe (Park).  The unknown of a new relationship also has the same effect within the brain and this is why he or she often feels so exciting.  The high in a relationship caused by dopamine may diminish over time (2).  This can be caused by parenting and couples often find it difficult to hold on to romance (Blum, 3).  All is not lost however.  Dopamine has been shown to return and add a new spark to a long term relationship (3).  Dopamine also comes back to influence attraction for people who have lost a partner, “Among the couples that Fisher is studying are newly met partners in nursing homes, people in their 70s and 80s, whose infatuation is just as intense as that shared by 20-year-old lovers” (3).

Years ago, one of my friends claimed that the best feeling in the world is falling in love.

Maybe she's right. Or, is it just the dopamine talking again? Read more about the chemical processes of love here.

What do you think about the science behind attraction and love?

From Mounds to Expansion to Implants

“So, Doctor, how long should I expect to recoup after my mastectomies?”

“One month.”

I stare at my breast surgeon and give a slight nod of my head with a disconnected expression in my eyes.

“You should prepare to just putter around the house for a month and only leave to see the doctor.”

“How much help will I need at home?”

“I would say 24-hour nursing care for two to three days, and then eight-hour nursing care for two weeks or so.”

“This sucks,” I say without eloquence or pretense as I shake my head back and forth.

So, barring any unforeseen complications, what’s the timeline for my upcoming surgeries?

April 25th: Double Mastectomies

Until the surgery, my doctor won’t know if there’s enough viable skin on my right breast to create the new mound. (Four lumpectomies and a month of radiation have taken their toll.) If there is enough viable skin, then I’ll be released in one day. If not, and the surgeon is required to take muscle and tissue from my upper back, then I’ll stay in the hospital for three or four nights.

I’ll be sent home with two to six drains and a lot of pain medications. I’ll also leave the hospital with expanders inside my chest. As Johns Hopkins' site explains, “a breast tissue expander is an inflatable breast implant designed to stretch the skin and muscle to make room for a future, more permanent implant.”

The media tends to highlight the stories from women who are eligible for immediate reconstruction. I think it's easier for us to put our heads around that procedure sociologically and psychologically. However, the overwhelming majority of breast cancer patients who have needed or will need radiation are not eligible for this procedure. Immediate reconstruction also increases the risk of infection, and over half of the women who choose this option end up getting a second surgery at a later juncture.

May 9th: Pump ‘Em Up

Hopefully, the last of the drains will be removed when I visit my surgeon for the two-week follow-up. At that point, the doctor will inject saline into the expanders.

I’ll see the surgeon weekly for the next four to six weeks so she can expand my breasts to the desired size. (I'm assuming I'll end up with a DD cup, but we'll see.) I might need to post photos in a bathing suit top of the expansion so you all can see how they plump up!

Late June: Rest!

After the expanders are at the desired size, we wait for four to six weeks for the tissue to settle.

Early August: Implants Time!

I’ll have surgery to replace the expanders with traditional breast implants.

I’ll be in physical therapy to increase my mobility and upper body strength in the summer and fall. Once my breasts have healed, I’ll have my nipples reconstructed.

This sucks. But, like countless women before me and after me, I’ll get through it. I just keep reminding myself that this is worth it to reduce my risk of recurrence.

Online Dating and Deception

I've tried online dating at various times over the years with limited success. I must admit, though, that I haven't been 100% honest on my profiles.

When I last had an online dating profile in 2008, my post-concussion syndrome symptoms were at their worst. (Back then, a high-pitched ring tone or whistling could cause me to vomit. I wish I was exaggerating on that one.) I didn't disclose details about that or any of my other health conditions. I figured that if I met someone with whom I had a strong connection, I would tell him about my health — or he would see how I was affected — soon enough.

Quite a few of my ex-boyfriends have lied on their online dating profiles, including the following:

"Buckeyes" Boy changed his race on Match with the seasons, even stating at one point that he's Latino. And, he still maintains that he played football in college.

According to his profile, Philly Matt had completed some college. Umm…that's news to me.

Military Attorney Boy clicked that he was either "Separated" or "Divorced" on his profiles. I later learned that his children were unaware that he and their mom weren't together anymore. (They thought their dad had to work out-of-town for a year.)

This topic has been on my mind, after reading the blog of Eleni Bakst, one of my students in my Sexuality and Social Media class. In her post regarding "Recreating Yourself," Eleni writes:

A potential downside of online dating is the possibility of misrepresentations in personal profiles. Recent survey research showed that “86% of online dating participants felt others misrepresented their physical appearance” (Hancock, Toma, and Ellison, 2007). Everyone tries to make the best first impressions, occasionally lying to make themselves look better, more fun, or more interesting. When creating an online profile there is an even greater temptation to be deceptive because daters know that everything they are writing is being “scrutinized by potential mates” (449).

Online daters can “engage in selective self-presentations—a more mindful and strategic version of face-to-face self-presentation. More specifically, asynchronicity ensures the relaxation of time constraints between profile creation and actual interaction with potential dates, such that users have more time to carefully formulate their self-presentation. ” (450). In addition, when online daters notice that something in their self-presentation attracts the wrong daters, they are able to go back and edit their profile, putting them at a great advantage when compared to “normal daters” (450). Online daters have the ability to create, edit, and re-edit the version of themselves that they feel most confident and happy about.

There are also certain factors that discourage deception on online dating profiles. When it comes to who lies about what, the answer lies all in attraction. Research has shown that men and women look for different features in potential mates. Generally, “men look for youth and physical attractiveness in their partners, whereas women look for ability to provide and indicators of social status, such as education and career” (450). Therefore, women are more deceptive regarding their physical characteristics and age while men are more likely to be deceptive about their social status or height (which is often associated with power and status).

In a study performed on New York City online daters using Match.com, Yahoo Personals, American Singles and Webdate, researchers witnessed that 81% of the participants lied on at least one of the variables assessed (452). The most frequently lied about variable was weight, then height, and then age (452).

While it may be particularly tempting to be deceptive when creating an online profile, it’s important to always be honest and open from the beginning. Find a person who wants you for who you really are, not for what they want you to be.

Wise words, Eleni! Her project will look at the following:

Do online dating sites really have the potential to create and maintain long-term meaningful relationships?

I can't wait to read more of her findings, including her transcripts from interviews with people who have tried online dating — successfully and unsuccessfully.

Okay, it's time to 'fess up. Have you ever lied on an online dating profile, and if so, what about?

What can I do about the smell…?

A reader recently asked me the following question on Formspring:

I've been having a problem with strong vaginal odor. STD testing came back negative, but I'm not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

Answer: Thanks for your question, as I'm sure you're not alone! Since you didn't provide a lot of detail, I wonder:

Is the odor constant throughout the month? Have you had any hormonal or dietary changes recently, or are you on any medication? Are your periods normal?

I commend you for getting tested to rule out any infections. I hope that you and your doctor discussed your overall health and whether you need to see a specialist.

I assume your doctor let you know that douches are not a good solution. Douching can actually change the healthy bacteria in your vagina and has been linked to an increase in vaginal health problems. If you want to learn more about douching from Health and Human Services, click here.

I talked with two friends who have their PhDs in health, and we came up with several suggestions. You might wish to consider:

  • Taking a probiotic supplement or increasing your yogurt intake. That idea is confirmed by Drs. Northrup and Oz to get the right balance of healthy bacteria in your vagina.
  • Reducing or eliminating tobacco and alcohol from your diet.
  • Limiting dairy (other than yogurt), red meat, foods with a lot of alkaline (like certain fish), garlic, broccoli and asparagus.
  • Confirming with your doctor whether you were tested for a bacterial infection or BV.
  • Increasing your intake of pineapple and orange fruit or juice. (Non-scientific studies have shown a link between taste/odor and intake of these fruits.)
  • Increasing exercise to help sweat the unhealthy bacteria out. (Make sure that you're wearing cotton underwear that isn't too tight when you're exercising.)
  • Investigating whether you could be having an allergic reaction to latex, a bath product (soap, tampons, powders, etc.), lubricant or toy. Make sure you're using natural products or eliminate one of them to determine if it's causing problems.

I hope that it can be resolved in the not so distant future. Please keep me posted.

It's worth remembering that clean, healthy vaginas have some natural odor. Our bodies are wild, wonderous things. We shouldn't be ashamed of them.

Readers, did I miss anything? Do you use any natural bath products or lubricants? What are your favorites?