Purple Thong Boy

This is an oldie (a dating adventure from 2002), but a goodie.

I met Michael at Cheesecake Factory on a Saturday morning. That should have be enough of a sign that he wasn't going to be my Prince Charming. But, he was tall and very attractive with light black skin and a Georgetown degree so I gave him my number.

We would meet for drinks now and then. It wasn't serious (no love and no sex), but he was fun to hook up with. Michael always seemed to travel with at least one — and often, several — of his boys. I would get calls from his best friend, Charles, and some nights, both of them stayed over at my place. Back then, I was living in a studio and just had a bed and no couch so sleepovers at my place were quite cozy. But, Charles was always very respectful and Michael was amusing so it wasn't a problem.

On one particular day, I was at work and got a call from Michael. He and his friend, Dylan, wanted to take me out to lunch. I rolled up to the bar at Friday's and found them both already buzzed at 1pm. This Friday's doesn't get much traffic during the day so I felt really bad for all the senior citizens having lunch there. Michael was all over me like it was 3am and we were leaving a club.

He then started talking to Dylan about how much he liked kissing me and wouldn't Dylan like to kiss me. Dylan seemed open to it, and I replied, "Sorry. I'm not MCI. I don't do Friends-and-Family." (An MCI reference is dated, I know, but those ads were all over TV back then.)

I had to head back to the office, but Michael and Dylan mentioned that they might come over later and we could go out to dinner. I just told them to give me a call. Several hours later, as I got home from the gym, my phone rang. It was Dylan, saying that he and Michael were coming by with Chinese food in an hour. I told him that I was pretty beat, but if it was just for a few hours, that was cool.

Shortly after the call, Dylan showed up at my door with a bottle of wine.

"Where's Michael?" I asked.

"He went to get the Chinese food. He should be over in a little."

An hour later, I was starving and Michael still wasn't here. Dylan left a message for Michael, but he didn't call back. By this point, the wine bottle was almost empty and I hadn't had a glass. As Dylan got more and more buzzed, he kept moving closer and closer to me. Then, he offered to give me a foot massage. Umm…no thanks.

Finally, I just said, "Is Michael really coming over?"

"Well, I think so. But, you know him. He's probably out with another girl."

"We're not in an exclusive relationship," I replied. "He's free to date whomever he chooses, as am I. I just don't feel comfortable having you over if he's not coming."

"Oh. Okay. Can I just use your bathroom?"

"Sure," I said.

I kept watching the movie and was trying not to fall asleep. But then, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Dylan came out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a lavender thong. What kind of guy wears a LAVENDER THONG? (Most guys I know wouldn't be caught dead in a thong — ever.)

I tried to look away because it was like watching a train wreck. He then started prancing around in the thong, jiggling his package. "You want some of this?" he asked.

"NOOOOO! Put some clothes on and get out of my place."

"Don't you like me? I know that I could satisfy you. Michael said that you were really fun."

"Get the hell out of my place! NOW!"

He put on his clothes and left. The image of him in the thong still haunts (or amuses?) me to this day. It was so wrong that it was funny. No guy should be wearing a thong unless he's a professional bodybuilder. And, Dylan was definitely not that.

A few days later, Michael called and I told him what happened. He had absolutely no idea that Dylan had even come over to my place, let alone under false pretenses. When I told him the purple thong portion of the program, he was livid. Michael and Dylan worked for Michael's father's company. Dylan lost his job because of this since Michael and his dad thought this was so irresponsible.

Even though I only spent a few hours with Dylan, I will never forget him. Thank you for the laughs, Purple Thong Boy!

Happy New Year's everyone!

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