Last week, I received three questions on Formspring related to having an orgasm. (Is there something in the air?) I’ll answer those questions in the coming weeks, but the interest in the topic has me thinking that we need to reframe the discussion.

Where’s the focus on intimacy?

Why don’t we educate women how to have orgasms, rather than commiserate over faking them?

Why, for heterosexual couples, is the focus on the guy’s lack of skill or sensitivity, or the woman’s frigidity?

Why can’t we prioritize knowing our bodies and sexual health in a positive way?

A young woman who is losing her virginity shouldn’t be expected or feel pressured to know her body as well as a woman 10, 20 or 40 years her senior. A prostate cancer survivor who can no longer ejaculate shouldn’t feel as though sex is pointless. A female who hasn’t yet experienced a vaginal orgasm shouldn’t feel as though she’s faking it. A committed couple that uses a toy to stimulate the female’s clit during sex shouldn’t question whether or not that act of sex constitutes “making love.” A guy shouldn’t feel emasculated if his wife doesn’t cum from sex or accuse her of being a cold fish.

Based on the female anatomy, most women don’t achieve women through vaginal intercourse alone. Only 14% of women always orgasm during vaginal sex, and almost 1/3 of women never do. The media appears far more concerned with talking about the problems than of promoting any solutions.

Some women orgasm easily. Some don’t.

Some people cum during foreplay. Some don’t.

Some like anal. Some don’t.

Some use sex toys. Some don’t.

Some can reach vaginal orgasm. Some can’t.

Sometimes sex is great! Sometimes it’s not.

Isn’t it more important that we try to know as much as we can about our wondrous bodies, rather than aspiring to some soap opera notion of love making? If we reframe the discussion to talk about the fun of the journey, rather than the destination, won’t we all enjoy the ride more?

There’s much fun to be had if women take the time to explore their own bodies, men learn about the clit and what their partners like, and couples communicate about their sexual health.

What are your thoughts on faking it and the pressures to reach orgasm?