Stef Woods

I’d rather be bald!

When I went to the Infusion Room last month, the nurses all looked at me with surprise and excitement.

Nurse: Your hair is growing so fast!

Me: I know.

Manager: It looks great.

Me: Thanks! But, I’d rather be bald than have short hair.

And, I honestly would. I appreciate that an overwhelming majority of women feel differently from me on this issue, but I’m always going to be upfront about my views.

I’ve received compliments on my hair from friends and strangers. To my friends, I respond:

Thanks! I hate it, though.

Friends: You do? I think it highlights your face and looks sexy! Why don’t you like it?

Me: It’s not me. When I was bald, no one assumed that I chose that look. With short hair, people think I did. I like short hair on other people, but I don't like it on me. Never have. My long hair is part of my identity.

When strangers ask me where I get my hair cut, I reply:

Umm…this is from chemo.

They look at me with worry in their eyes, and I assure them that I wasn’t offended in the slightest by their comment.

Me: No worries! I appreciate the compliment. (Hey, I've never denied being vain.)

But, I still don’t look in the mirror or at photographs of myself and see me. It might be my mind’s way of coping with a change over which I've had no control, or it might be that I don’t consider my recuperation finished until my old long locks are back.

The goal is this:

  

Photo Credit: Guest of a Guest at Hudson Restaurant

But, I promise to stop rolling my eyes and whining when my hair reaches my shoulders. For those of you who know me, do you really see me with a modern pixie or a soccer mom bob? Really? It's going to be a rough two years between my current Sheena Easton 'do and long hair!

Since this post is all about what I’m missing, I’ll also add eyelashes and fingernails into the mix. My eyelashes had finally started growing back, but I lost half of them last week taking my mascara off. And, just this week – more than SIX months after my last round of chemotherapy, my last dead fingernail fell off. I never imagined that losing fingernails would be so painful, but it still hurts a bit to type or text.

There are many things that I will never take for granted again. Ponytails, frizz, long lashes and healthy nails are all high on that list!

Thanks for indulging me during my Cancer-versary Week! I’ll get back to dating stories, product reviews and sex advice posts tomorrow. xoxo
 

The Evil Cancer Med – Part II

In late May, I started an oral medication, tamoxifen, to block the estrogen in my body in the hopes of preventing my cancer from returning. (Research has shown that tamoxifen is as helpful as chemotherapy in that regard.)

On one full dose and four half doses over the course of five days, my body expressed much displeasure! I couldn’t concentrate much or sleep well. I was nauseous, vomiting and dizzy. I had an almost constant headache and intense hot flashes.

I had plans to attend a charity event on a Friday evening in late May, but I cancelled them because I felt so nauseous and tired. An hour later, as I was watching some guilty pleasure television, I had a dark thought. Correction, a really dark thought.

That’s not my personality so I had a confused expression on my face. (Imagine me looking at myself oddly, if that’s possible.) I decided to just keep focusing on my show. An hour later, another really dark thought entered my head.

I thankfully know myself very well. I’m not one who gets that stressed or depressed about health issues. I’ve also never questioned whether I would survive treatment or whether I wanted to survive. (Of course, I would and I do!)

I knew that tamoxifen had caused me to have these thoughts. I picked up the telephone and called one of my best friends. After talking to her for 15 minutes, I called my oncologist on his cell phone. I apologized for bothering him on a Friday evening, but acknowledged that I didn’t think this should wait until Monday. He agreed, saying:

This isn’t you. This is the medication. This side effect is a very rare one, but I know that it has happened to some of my patients over the years. Stop the tamoxifen immediately. It will take time for the drug to get out of your system. Try to be patient, and we’ll figure out another drug for you to take when I see you next.

My normal thoughts and sex drive returned within 36 hours. I started sleeping better and concentrating with greater ease within a week. But, the headaches, vomiting and intense hot flashes persisted for another three weeks.

When I saw my oncologist next, he commented that one in 20 patients has this reaction.

"5%?" I inquired, as he nodded. "That's not a very rare side effect!"

I’m not one who believes that the pharmaceutical industry is one big conspiracy or that the health care field is trying to take all our money. But, the more I read about tamoxifen, the more concerned I am about why this drug is oncologists’ first resort.

EHealthMe recently analyzed 49 FDA reports and surveyed patients about their reactions to tamoxifen. The study determined that 49 people out of 6,123 patients reported suicidal thoughts while taking the drug. That’s 8% of patients, and this is NOT listed as a possible side effect of the medication!

It worries me that patients and oncologists aren’t talking about the potential risk before starting treatment, especially given how many women are taking tamoxifen. The drug has also been linked to increasing risks of uterine and liver cancers, estrogen receptor negative breast cancer, and blood clots.

If you have breast cancer, tamoxifen might be the right choice for your treatment plan. I know several women who are taking the drug and have tolerated it well. There also are other drugs out there with similar purposes and less known side effects.

Research supports that the benefits of tamoxifen or similar estrogen blocking medications outweigh the risks. Nonetheless, I'm not exactly looking forward to starting a new medication in July.

Have you or a loved one taken tamoxifen? If so, how was the drug tolerated?

What would you do if you had an alarming reaction to a medication?

How do you deal with a medical problem that happens after typical office hours?
 

The Evil Cancer Med

If a person is diagnosed with breast cancer, a doctor runs tests on the cancer cells to determine if they are:

1. Estrogen receptor positive;
2. Progesterone receptor positive; and
3. HER2/neu positive.

What does that even mean?

Well, for the first two, do estrogen and progesterone (hormones that naturally occur in the body) cause the cancer cells to grow? Approximately 75% of breast cancer patients test positive for estrogen receptors, and 66% of patients for progesterone receptors. Hormone receptor positive cancer grows slower than cancer that isn't hormone receptor positive.

The latter category, HER2/neu, occurs when there's a gene mutation and the cancer tests positive for an excess of proteins on the cells. These proteins cause the cancer to be aggressive and fast growing. Only 20% of patients test positive for HER2/neu.

I had triple-positive breast cancer since I tested positive for the hormone and protein receptors. My aggressive strain of cancer was thankfully caught early, and I can benefit from the use of drugs that help prevent a recurrence and lower the amount of estrogen and progesterone in my body.

Once every three weeks for a year, I receive an IV of Herceptin to kill the protein receptors on my cancer cells and reduce the change of this returning. (Thanks to chemotherapy, radiation and Herceptin, my rate of a Stage 4 (metastatic) recurrence within 10 years went from a minimum of 60% to 15%!)

Compared to chemotherapy, receiving an IV of Herceptin is a breeze! The side effects are mild, and the IV takes only 30-40 minutes out of my day. Once I finish receiving Herceptin in late September, I should be done with visits to the Chemo Room!

If you meet someone who says that she has triple negative breast cancer, she has the most aggressive type of breast cancer. Aside from surgery, chemotherapy and radiation, there’s nothing yet available to help prevent the cancer from recurring. I hope and pray that research will advance in the very near future to change that.

For those of us who are hormone receptor positive, the most commonly prescribed oral medication to block estrogen in our system in the hopes of preventing a recurrence is tamoxifen.

I prefer to call the drug: The Evil Cancer Med.

Tamoxifen is taken once a day for five years. When I read about the potential side effects, I was concerned. I talked to my oncologist about the fact that tamoxifen causes a lot of the side effects (nausea, vomiting, dizziness, headaches and fevers) that I already have from my other health conditions. By early May, I was finally starting to feel more like myself, and I honestly didn’t want to be sick again.

My doctor assured me that the majority of patients tolerate tamoxifen well. Tamoxifen has been used for over 30 years, and it's as essential to preventing a recurrence as chemotherapy.

“Okay,” I thought to myself. “This is important.”

I said a prayer before I took the first dose. That evening, I started to feel nauseous and then vomited. Several hours later, I got a very bad migraine. I took my strong migraine medicine, but the pain and vomiting lasted through the morning.

I called the oncologist’s office, and they suggested that I switch to a half dose of the medication. As the week progressed, the side effects – even on a half of a dose – increased. I was still nauseous with a dull headache. I felt dizzy, I had trouble sleeping, and I would cry for no reason. It took me an entire afternoon to edit a few pages that I wrote. And, sapping my body of estrogen sent my sex drive from 100mph to 0mph. (Did I still have sex? Of course. But, I had a really hard time reaching orgasm.)

I’ve had hot flashes since early November when I started to have chemo-induced menopause. But, the tamoxifen quadrupled them.

This is City Girl.

This is City Girl having a hot flash.

Notice how my face matched the color of my hair and dress!

I wondered how my body would handle the full dose of tamoxifen – everyday for FIVE years! But, then, something happened that made my doctor stop my use of the drug immediately.

To be continued…

 

A Cancer-versary Thank You

A year ago today, I was sitting in my stylist’s chair at my hair salon, when my cell phone vibrated in my lap. I saw that it was Sibley Hospital and excused myself to answer the call. As I remember how I felt when I heard the news from my doctor that I had cancer, I have tears in my eyes and goose bumps on my arms.

I think of the moments in my life that helped shape me into the person I am today, and being diagnosed with cancer at 37 years of age is definitely high on that list. I wouldn’t wish the past year on my worst enemy, but in the midst of the lows of treatment, I’m grateful for all my blessings.

I’m thankful for:

1. Knowing My Body. I've been vigilant about conducting self exams and contacting my breast surgeon, whenever I found a lump;

2. Early Detection. I had an aggressive strain of cancer that was caught early during my annual mammogram. Health technology isn’t perfect, but getting mammograms every year is the best thing that women can do for their breast health;

3. A Great Medical Team. At Sibley Hospital, I've worked with doctors who are experts in the field because they deal with breasts exclusively;

4. Health Insurance. Every step of this process is expensive, and a recent study discussed how many people with cancer are forced to declare bankruptcy. I appreciate that in the midst of such a difficult year, I didn’t have to worry about medical coverage;

5. My Other Health Problems. Treatment and the side effects were horrid, but I'm glad that I never became clinically depressed or questioned whether I was going to make it. I know far too many women who were not that lucky – either because they were diagnosed after the cancer had spread or they hadn’t ever emotionally processed major health issues before. I was as prepared as I could have been for surgery and treatment, and am fortunate enough not to be among the 30% of women who suffer from anxiety or depression after beating cancer;

6. This Blog. I had a forum through which I could express myself. With every post that I wrote, I was able to process my emotions and let go;

7. The Cause. Early on, I vowed to make this about more than just me. In the past year, I’ve volunteered, advocated and raised money for breast cancer awareness, prevention and research. Through helping others, I found a sense of peace as to why I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And, on the advocacy front, I know I'm just getting started;

8. The Wisdom to Know the Difference. There were loved ones who had a difficult time processing my cancer. They either couldn't help me out at all during treatment or had to make it all about them. There were acquaintances that clearly were uncomfortable with the fact that I didn't wear a wig. There were a few people who thought that I used my diagnosis to get attention. There were those who assumed treatment was easy because it was caught at Stage 1 or they would see me in public with a smile on my face. There were those who told me that I must be feeling fine when they saw that my hair was growing back.

I could go on and on, but everyone else’s thoughts and feelings were just that – everyone else’s! I couldn't take other people's comments or actions personally, and I knew better than to try to own their feelings about my illness;

9. Mr. Exec for letting me go without a fight;

10. Philly Matt for convincing me to continue with my treatment plan, even though the doctor had changed my protocol at the eleventh hour;

11. Mr. Agency for reminding me that I was sexy no matter how I felt or looked;

12. Best Boy for being there. When the going got rough, he stayed and helped;

13. My Cancer Crew. (I can't type this part without sobbing.) AB, AF, LF, TL, NP, LV – I honestly don’t know what I did in a past life to deserve friends as giving and wonderful as you. I can’t imagine those people who have to go through treatment alone, and because of you all, I never had to. Thank you will never, ever seem sufficient. I love you all with all my heart;

14. My Friends. Every note, every virtual comment, every care package and every visit meant so much to me. The compassion, support and love you’ve shown me helped get me through the many days in which treatment got the best of me. There’s a reason why friends are the family we choose for ourselves, and I’m very blessed to have such an amazing support system; and

15. YOU! Yes, YOU! The overwhelming kindness of my readers and online friends was humbling, motivating and so very appreciated. I hope that there will be a day in the future when I can give you a hug in person. Your emails, comments, gifts and tweets always brightened my day and my spirits.

In one year, I’ve grown more than I have in the past decade. Thank you for joining me for this portion of my journey and for being so supportive. I hope you’ll continue to come along for the ride. xoxo
 

The end. For real.

On President's Day Weekend, I went to the beach…and I lost one of my best friends.

I'm not publishing the story of what my ex-boyfriend and close friend, Philly Matt, did. But, I have written about it. If you're interested in having me send you what I wrote, please comment, email me at citygirlblogs (at) gmail (dot) com, or send me your email via Tweet or text message.

An odd first date – Part II

As my odd first date with Hampton Man continued, I felt like I was watching a fender bender. It wasn't the worst first date that I had ever been on, but it wasn’t good either. In the back of my head, I laughed to myself, thinking:

Well, at least I’ll get an interesting blog post out of this.

I let Hampton Man do most of the talking when it came to his last relationship. But, when he called his ex-girlfriend, Janine, a “whore,” I had to speak up:

I have a problem with guys using that word to describe a woman. I get that she hurt you, but that’s not cool.

Hampton Man: How else should I describe a woman who lied to me and slept with another guy behind my back?

We were already in so deep that I just kept going.

Me: So, she cheated on you and you’re hurt?

Hampton Man: Yes.

Me: Have you tried talking to her at all?

Hampton Man: She said she loved me and kept lying to me. And, we talked some more after I found out, but I don’t think I can trust her anymore. [Pause.] I told her where I was coming from, and she was fine with that. She said that she didn’t want to be with anyone else.

Me [slightly confused]: So, where were you coming from?

Hampton Man: I’m not the monogamous type.

Me [with wide and incredulous eyes]: Wait a minute. You broke up with her because she slept with someone else, and yet, YOU were sleeping with someone else?

Hampton Man: But she knew that from the beginning!

Me: And, you think that makes it right?

Hampton Man: I’m honest. I don’t actively seek out other women, but if I feel a connection with someone, I’ll act on it. All of my guy friends cheat on their girlfriends and wives behind their backs, and no one is ever the wiser. I’m not going to do it like that.

Me: Why even get into a relationship then?

Hampton Man: I like coming home to someone…going on trips…spending the holidays…all that stuff. But, I don’t want to pretend that I’m going to be 100% sexually monogamous if I might not be.

Me: Being honest doesn’t negate the fact that the monogamy piece is often essential to having a solid commitment and strong level of trust. So, why did you get so upset with Janine?

Hampton Man: Well, she said that she would never have sex with anyone else…that I was the only man she would be with…and then she slept with someone else and hid it from me.

Me: I’m not saying she should’ve lied to you, but a relationship that’s only monogamous from one party would be tough to sustain.

Hampton Man kept insisting that it was most important that he was honest. He then proceeded to list all of his relationship faults, hypothesizing about how natural selection and events from his childhood had led him to this place. He mentioned family issues, his need for independence and some analogy with the male lion. I tried not to roll my eyes too much as I commented:

At least you’re self-aware.

Hampton Man: Aren’t you glad I told you?

Me: Well, in one sense, yes. I would have considered sleeping with you down the road, but now, I’ll think a lot harder about that. It might have been nice to just have a typical first date, though.

Hampton Man: Well, it’s not to say that I wouldn’t change for the right woman.

Me [with a skeptical look]: Maybe.

The end of our drinks date involved him showing me pictures of his ex-girlfriend. I did talk for a few minutes about my relationships with Mr. Agency, Mr. Exec and Best Boy and wasn’t surprised when Hampton Man didn’t know any of them by their first names.

We ended the date discussing legal policy and how it relates to one of his practice areas. He again admitted that it was tough for him to stay motivated as a solo practitioner in Virginia, but he suggested that we talk more about this in the future. I was amenable to that. (I do miss practicing so I could discuss my former specialty ad nauseum.)

As we walked outside, he offered me a ride home, but I politely declined. Hampton Man indicated that he wanted to see me again. I said that would be nice, although I didn't know if I cared to ever go out with him again. But, as “friends” or colleagues, he was interesting to talk to so I didn’t want to close the door entirely.

I headed home, feeling exhausted. But, as it would turn out, my night was far from over.

To be continued…
 

An odd first date

What constitutes a perfect first date to you?

From my perspective, I like when I find myself giddy with excitement and a touch of nervousness before the date itself. I take the time to figure out just the right outfit to wear. My heart is open to the possibilities, but I have no expectations of where the date might lead. The location is conducive to romance or shows thoughtful planning without seeming forced.

On the date itself, conversation is easy without any awkward pauses. Both of us present our authentic selves in the best possible light. At the end of the night, there might even be a soft kiss with enough open mouth to desire more, but enough restraint to be respectful. By the time we part, we've discussed when we'll be seeing each other again. That's a great first date, as I see it.

Unfortunatey, my first date with Hampton Man in the middle of February met almost none of the aforementioned criteria.

He was fighting a cold.

I was in the middle of five radiation treatments a week and felt exhausted.

I felt neither excited nor nervous and didn't go home to change after brunch with my girlfriends.

I wasn't sure where I stood with Best Boy, and I had just started having sex again with Mr. Agency.

Hampton Man isn’t a planner, and by his own admission, he is very unmotivated when the weather is cold. He deferred to me as to when and where so I squeezed him into my schedule and picked a place (the bar at Kramerbooks & Afterwords Cafe) that was convenient for me.

When he arrived at the bar, we hugged hello and sat down to talk. He hadn’t taken anything for his cold, and it was obvious that he was feeling poorly. Although he was sick, he still was very easy on the eyes.

We started talking about sports and then moved to work. When the topic turned to the night we met, he said:

I really liked your confidence. And your smile. You have amazing lips.

I blushed and thanked him. When the conversation moved to where we socialize, we talked about how surprising it was that we hadn't met sooner. We figured out that he frequents places in the U Street Corridor, whereas I can usually be found in Georgetown or West End. Out of the blue, he asked:

When was your last relationship?

Me: As in someone I loved or someone I dated?

Hampton Man: Both.

Me [with a giggle part out of amusement and part of awkwardness]: Isn’t this an odd topic to broach on a first date? [Pause, as I realize that he really wants to talk about this.] I was very serious with someone in 2009. Last year, my focus was less on relationships, but more on getting through treatment, although I dated a couple of guys.

Hampton Man: What are their names?

Me: Excuse me?

Hampton Man: I want to make sure that I don’t know anyone you went out with.

Me: I doubt that you know them well, if at all.

Hampton Man: So, what are their names?

Me: I don’t know that I feel comfortable sharing that with you an hour after our first drinks date. [I laugh and give a slight eye roll.] Are you going to tell me about your previous relationships?

I had viewed that question as rhetorical, but he answered with a diatribe about his long-term relationship with his ex-girlfriend, Janine. Although I didn’t want to judge a man I barely knew, I sensed a few yellow flags:

1. He really wanted to talk about their relationship, their problems and how she hurt him. That’s usually a sign that the break up is fresh or at least that there are unresolved feelings;

2. He commented that his ex-girlfriend was a “whore.” I appreciate that she hurt him, but I’m not one for misogynistic terms; and

3. He made a point to talk about how she wasn’t as educated or accomplished as we were. I wasn’t sure why that was even relevant, but it was a bit off putting.

I tried to reconcile the fact that Hampton Man was intelligent and handsome with a relatively peaceful energy with what he relayed to me about his last relationship. I hadn’t yet decided whether I wanted our first date to be our last, but the next hour helped clarify that for me:

To be continued…
 

How to talk to your partner about health issues

Talking about dinner, work, children, money and household responsibilities with a partner is commonplace. But, for many couples, it’s not as easy to discuss personal health issues.

If you are dealing with a medical concern, how can you address the matter with your significant other?

If your health issue is a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI) or HIV/AIDS, your partner could also be directly affected. He or she will need to get tested, and you both will need to practice safe sex at all times. As such, you should broach this matter as soon as possible. Ask your doctor, counselor or support group for ideas and literature to help guide your conversation.

If your health condition is not of the type that can be sexually transmitted, is now the right time to bring this topic up with your significant other? Consider the length of time you’ve been in a relationship and the level of openness you and your partner have. (You might not want to talk about a digestive or reproductive problem with a new partner or a significant other who never discusses normal bodily functions.) It’s perfectly fine to wait to address the matter, as long as: 1) you aren’t lying to your partner; and 2) you don’t need your significant other’s support at this time.

Before you talk to your partner, it will help if you’ve reached a level of acceptance surrounding your condition. (No one likes health problems, but it will be easier for you to discuss it after you’ve processed some of your feelings.) You might find it valuable to write about the experience and accompanying emotions in a journal or blog, join a support group, talk to friends who have dealt with health issues, or meet with a counselor or clergy.

Once you feel more comfortable with your situation, how should you proceed?

1. Prepare your talking points beforehand. Write down notes or review how you will address the conversation in your head prior to actually bringing it up with your partner;

2. Consider your significant other’s frame of reference to help guide the discussion. Has your partner had his or her own health problems? Is your significant other a compassionate individual? Has anyone in his or her life had a medical condition? If so, how did he or she react?

3. Once you determine your significant other’s frame of reference, try to put yourself in his or her shoes. Will your partner think that you are addressing this matter to look for his or her specific help? What can your significant other do to support you as you deal with this? Will your partner be concerned about whether your condition is contagious, is all in your head, or will limit your ability to enjoy your normal activities as a couple (both sexual and non-sexual)? What if this is too much for your significant other to process right away? Run through as many scenarios as you can think of and plan your responses accordingly. Seek advice or suggestions from a confidant or counselor, if you’d like;

4. Decide if it would be worth providing your partner with a medical brochure or a link to a reliable online health resource. If so, ask your doctor for a good pamphlet or search for a website with useful information about your condition;

5. Once you have processed your feelings and are prepared to have the conversation, pick a time to broach the topic when you won’t feel rushed. Don’t bring the subject up when you and your partner are in bed or naked. You don’t want to add pressure or the expectation of sex to an already stressful situation;

6. When you get into the conversation, be honest and gentile in your tone. Using your own words and style, say something like:

There’s a personal issue that I’ve wanted to talk to you about. Since we’re dating/married/in a serious relationship, I feel like it’s important for you to know that I’ve been struggling with something physically/emotionally. I have [fill in the blank].

I appreciate if this might be a lot for you to process. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have now or later, and I wrote down a website you might want to check out. I realize that you can’t fix or change this, but I just wanted to let you know because [fill in the blank with what’s applicable to you. Will you need your partner’s support or help in any way, or are you just telling him or her to be honest?].

7. Let your partner’s facial expressions and body language be the guide for how often you pause and how much detail you go into about your health condition in this first conversation. If he or she looks confused, sad or uncomfortable, it’s okay to say:

I know that I just threw a lot of information at you. We don’t need to talk about this all now. Just know I’m here if you have any questions and how thankful I am to have you in my life.

8. If your significant other does appear open to discussing your medical issue in greater detail, I advise highlighting certain points without overwhelming your partner with information. Try to focus on the basics about the condition itself, what medical help you’re received, and what specific role you see your significant other playing.

Physical and emotional health problems are a natural part of a life. There’s no need for you to feel embarrassed or ashamed about a medical condition. Talking about health issues with your partner may seem daunting, but in the majority of cases, it’s important for both you and your significant other to do so. We all deserve support from our loved ones in good times and in bad.

How to master the art of dirty talk

How can you master the art of dirty talk to enhance your sex life? Read on for my tips:

1. Status check.

There are people who never curse or talk in slang, while others use these words as part of their daily vernacular. If you fall into the former group, then it would be out-of-character to look at your partner and let out a barrage of expletives or slang words. Assess how you normally interact as a couple. Then, working within your comfort zone, take it up a notch.

If you’re new to talking dirty, ease into it via text messaging or in the bedroom with the lights out. If that seems too daunting for you, think of phrases when you’re alone in the shower and whisper them out loud. Get yourself warmed up to the idea by finding expressions that excite you.

2. Getting started.

Whether you are new or experienced at dirty talk, texts and emails can be used to spice up your relationship. If you aren’t sure of what to say, keep it simple:

Missing your [blank]; or

Can’t wait to kiss/lick/suck/fuck your [blank].

Fill-in-the-blank or leave it open and see how your partner responds. If you have special nicknames or words that you use together, include those in your dirty texts. Secret phrases that only you two share can be sexy!

If work and family keep you and your partner from spending much quality time together, then incorporate dirty talk into your routine to reconnect. Send a text or write a note before date night to build up the anticipation for that time and remind your significant other how you feel about him or her.

3. Know your audience.

If your partner has never expressed an interest in anal, then I wouldn’t send a text or make a comment in the bedroom about that. Likewise, if your significant other isn’t the quickest with double entendres, steer clear of those.

Think about what you and your partner find hot or enjoyable and add those things into your repertoire of dirty talk!

4. What manner works best for you?

How do you and your significant other communicate? Is sexting a good way to spice up your relationship, or is e-mail easier? Did you give cards to each other when you first met? What about the phone or Skype? Or, are you people who thrive on face-to-face conversation? Stick with what is comfortable for you both if sex talk is a new element to your relationship.

5. Ready, set, talk!

Use virtual modes of communication to help you develop your naughty side outside of the bedroom. Then, bring that excitement into the bedroom. If you’re not accustomed to talking in bed, a simple “right there,” “more,” or “don’t stop” is a great way to start. Then, incorporate the language that you used in your naughty texts or notes into your live dirty talk.

Once you start to feel more comfortable, build on that. Look your partner in the eyes, hold his or her face close to yours and say exactly what you want him or her to do to you:

I can’t wait for you to put your…

The goal here is to sound sexy, but genuine. It’s not hot if you say anything in a monotone or apprehensive voice without any passion behind it. But, if you’re at ease saying a word and you’re clearly enjoying yourself, then your partner should sense that and respond accordingly!

Be yourself, and remember that there’s no right or wrong here if it feels okay to you both. Have fun!xoxo

Routine

Two girlfriends were in DC for a conference in early February, and we gathered at Proof to eat, drink and talk about work and boys. After listening to the latest about their jobs and beaus, I updated them about my life over the past six months. As I was in the middle of telling them about Mr. Exec, Best Boy, and Mr. Agency, I received a text message from Best Boy with his typical opener:

Hey.

Given the timing, I chuckled when I saw the message come in.

Me: Best Boy’s wanting to hang tonight.

Ash: Have him come by! We want to meet him. [Lauren nods in agreement.]

Me: Okay.

I continued to finish my story, and shortly thereafter, Best Boy joined us. Lauren was discussing one of the guys she was dating, and Best Boy politely interjected to get caught up to speed.

Lauren was torn between whether she viewed this guy as a friend with benefits or someone with relationship potential. The situation became even more confusing since she occasionally did work for his company.

Me: Do you care about him as more than a friend you have sex with?

Lauren: I think so. [Pause.] Maybe. [Pause.] I just don’t know what he wants.

Best Boy, Ash and I agreed that Lauren needed to talk to the guy about their situation. As Lauren debated how best to broach the subject, Best Boy suggested that she ask him:

So…what’s our deal?

Over the next 15 minutes, Best Boy offered a variety of strategies to Lauren. I had forgotten how good he was at listening and giving advice! Lauren thanked him for his input and peppered him with a few follow-up questions. While they were engrossed in the discussion, Ash mouthed to me:

He’s awesome…and really cute! Go with him!

I shrugged my shoulders and mouthed:

We’ll see.

As Best Boy and I walked to his car, it crossed my mind that I didn’t know what OUR deal was. I still wasn’t sure what I wanted, though, so it still didn’t make sense for me to broach that subject with him.

While he was driving, I turned and kissed him on the cheek. Best Boy looked at me with a mildly confused expression on his face.

Me: Thanks. They really liked you. You’re a good guy, Mr. Best Boy. [We both smile.]

When we arrived home, we went upstairs, got ready for bed, and had sex. It wasn’t mind blowing, but it was comfortable. I had always seen routines as bad when it came to relationships, but with Best Boy, it was nice to know what to expect. I might not have known what our deal was or where this was going, but we cared about each other. That was enough for now.