Stef Woods

The New Tatas Timeline

In the super, amazing, epic news that’s actually epic column, I’m cancer-free! To say I feel thankful and grateful would be an understatement. After the doctor left the examination room, I put on my clothes and cried many happy tears.

It’s interesting that as elated as I am, I’m not in a celebratory mood. That might stem from the fact that I don’t look in the mirror and like what I see post-chemotherapy. Or, and more likely, I know – with 99% certainty – that my journey isn’t over.

If I take the doctor’s news and do nothing medically, I have a 30% chance of my cancer returning within four years. Typically, when cancer returns that quickly, it spreads beyond the area of original diagnosis. After those four years, I’d have a higher chance than the average woman of having breast cancer again. The genetics specialist believes that my mom and I have a gene that has yet to be discovered. (There is much talk of a Breast Cancer Gene, but there isn’t just one single gene that causes breast cancer.) And, I’ll need more biopsies based on the fact that I have fibrocystic breasts and many abnormal calcifications. In the past 12 years, I’ve had 13 biopsies. Eight of those were in the past four years.

When my breast surgeon recommended a lumpectomy over a mastectomy after my diagnosis, there was the assumption that I could tolerate hormonal medications after treatment. As it turns out, I can’t.

So, here I am…cancer-free…going to consultations about mastectomies and reconstruction. Tears of sadness and fear have replaced my happy tears.

Things I learned after meeting with the reconstructive surgeon:

1. 70% of women who get mastectomies with immediate reconstruction end up going in for a second corrective surgery. Out of the remaining 30%, the majority of women override their doctors’ recommendations to have a second surgery, instead choosing to live with noticeably disproportionate breasts.

2. The surgeon wouldn’t recommend me getting immediate reconstruction for several reasons:

a. I’ve had four lumpectomies over the years on my right breast alone. Scars impede blood flow to the skin. Immediate reconstruction would stretch the weak skin and jeopardize blood flood throughout.

b. I couldn’t get implants larger than a ‘C’ cup because the skin wouldn't be strong enough to support more than that. I haven’t been a ‘C’ cup since I was a teenager, and given my current size, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that.

c. There would be an increased risk of infection for any patient, especially those with other health issues like me.

3. I will need more surgeries and the process will take much longer than expected. The general timeline is as follows:

a. Mastectomies – leave from the hospital with drains that I need to empty and clean myself and keep in place for two weeks. [Insert wincing expression here.]

b. Expanders – I will have expanders put inside my breasts that will help stretch the skin out to my desired size. Each week, I will go into the surgeon’s office, and she will inject saline into each breast to expand them. I will be awake for this. [Insert more wincing expressions here.] She estimates that it will take four-six weeks for this process. I'm larger than a DD now, but I feel like I'll be saying, "when," by that point.

c. Wait a minimum of four to six weeks for everything to settle.

d. Have another surgery to put the permanent implants inside.

e. And, once the scars have healed (in a relative sense), have surgery or an appointment with a tattoo artist to have nipples put on.

Because of my teaching responsibilities, I won’t be getting the initial surgery until May or June, and I won’t be getting the implants put in until December. The psychic saw more surgeries in my future, but said to view them as rebuilding and strengthening. I like that in theory, but I'm going to need some time to wrap my head around that.

I’ve said before that being cancer-free doesn’t mean being done with cancer. Last week exemplified that. The thought of the expanders evokes a visceral response from me. The thought of losing my big naturals saddens me. The thought of really being done with this in a year calms me. And, when those buoyant DDs are inside me, I’ll sigh with a fair amount of relief that I have only a 5% chance of getting breast cancer in the left breast and a 12% chance in the right breast…for the rest of my life.

Scared of Getting Pregnant?

Thursday is the day to answer a reader’s relationship or sex question from Formspring so without further ado:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years, but he doesn't want to have sex with me because of the fear of getting me pregnant. We always practice safe sex, but he still worries. How can I reassure him we will be fine?

Answer: Thanks for sharing what you’re going through in your relationship. A few other questions come to mind:

1. Has your boyfriend been this way for the past two years?
2. Has birth control ever failed your boyfriend or an ex-girlfriend of his and caused an unintended pregnancy?
3. Even though you’ve always practiced safe sex together, was there a pregnancy scare or a time when your period was late?
4. Is there something else going on here?

It’s important for couples to practice safe sex to prevent unintended pregnancies and protect against Sexually Transmitted Infections. If you’ve used birth control the entire two years, it gives me cause to pause that your boyfriend would become fearful at a later time.

If he has been consistently worried about getting pregnant throughout your relationship, would you consider using two forms of birth control? He could wear a condom, and you could use another method to be doubly protected. (There might have been a certain attorney-turned-blogger who used three methods of birth control with her first boyfriend because she so feared getting pregnant.)

I never like belittling someone else’s feelings or speculating where a person is coming from, but I feel like there’s more to the story. This level of anxiety about getting pregnant doesn’t typically present itself without a precipitating event. Did his parents have him when they were very young? Did a close friend get pregnant unexpectedly? Did you or an ex-girlfriend have a scare? Is he religious or fearful about what would happen if you did get pregnant?

I recommend talking to him about his concerns when you’re not in the bedroom and there’s no expectation of sex. Don’t assume what he’s feeling and leave your questions open-ended. Let him know that you love him and want to work through this as a couple. Offer to schedule an appointment for you both at a health clinic or gynecologist’s office to discuss birth control methods and their effectiveness. You can also ask for information about Plan B.

If this concern is a newer one for him, there might be more going on than just pregnancy fears. Has his interest in having sex with you changed over the past two years? If so, you might need to ask him why that is and confirm that you both are on the same page in your relationship.

I hope that this is just a small obstacle that you will overcome together. Please keep me posted.

Anything to add, readers? Two – or fifty – cents welcome! xoxo

Health Advocacy Found Me

Shortly after I was diagnosed, one of my doctors said:

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but out of all of my patients, if one of them had to get cancer, I’m glad it was you. I don’t worry about you not being able to handle it.

I laughed out loud, as I understood her thought process. I've been advocating for my own health since I was a teenager. I knew the system and how to interact with doctors, and I could use those skills to my advantage as I battled cancer.

I’ve become a Subject Matter Expert in health advocacy because I had to.

My first memories are of being in the hospital as a toddler. During one stay, my mom and I were both in the hospital at the same time.

At 16, one of my lymph nodes was sent to medical facilities from California to Boston to Minnesota to be studied. I would later be accepted at NIH for a study related to this condition.

I started to go paralyzed at the age of 20.

My mom passed away from cancer of unknown primary origin when I was 24.

I had unexpected complications from neurosurgeries in my early 30s. Those complications have caused me to have repeated concussions and Post-Concussion Syndrome.

I’ve been in physical therapy 10 out of the past 12 years.

Since the age of 26, I’ve had 13 breast biopsies. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010 at 37.

My health has always been unique, and doctors are typically fascinated by my body. Managing my health is a full-time job. But, most importantly, I’m still standing! I have so many blessings in my life, and health insurance, a wonderful support system, and a great team of doctors are high on that list. And, despite everything that I’ve been through, I’ve never – knock on wood – thought I wasn’t going to survive.

Over the course of my life, I’ve had more than 25 MRIs. I must admit that the one on Monday was slightly stressful, though. As I type, I’m staring at my telephone, trying to will it to ring with a call from the doctor with the results. I just keep telling myself silently,

I’m cancer-free. I’m cancer-free. I’m cancer-free.

As I was on the table during the test, I realized that all of my life experiences brought me to this point for a reason. I needed to be an advocate for myself so that I could be an advocate for others. This is where I’m meant to be, and I’m thankful that I’m here in every sense of the word to do that.

It’s a New Year. Please be on top of your health, self-exams and annual doctors’ appointments. Please. xoxo

What negative have you turned into a positive?

Giveaway – The Guys’ Guy’s Guide to Love

Book Giveaway Time!

Would you like to kick off the year reading The Guys’ Guy’s Guide to Love, a new novel about modern love, sex and relationships set amidst Manhattan’s Madison Avenue? The book has been described as "Sex and the City" meets "Mad Men."

Synopsis:

When Max Hallyday, a rising New York adman, joins a glitzy Midtown agency, he knows the game is winner-takes-all. But when his best friend, Roger, a serial womanizer, seduces Max's billionaire client and puts his career in jeopardy, Max strikes back. He pens a column exposing the "Rogers" prowling the city: The Guys' Guy's Guide to Love. Championed by magazine publisher and former flame, Cassidy Goodson, Max becomes famous… or is it notorious? With the women of New York clamoring for more, sparks begin to fly with Cassidy. Can Max survive his instant celebrity and cutthroat rivals to discover where his heart really belongs? The Guys' Guy's Guide to Love is a fast-paced take of flawed men and savvy women competing for love, sex, power, and money in the city where they play for keeps.

About the Author:

Robert Manni is President of Agent 16 advertising agency in midtown Manhattan. For the past two decades, he has watched, played, and succeeded in Madison Avenue's relentlessly changing game. A true devotee of New York City, Robert is inspired by and remains in awe of its people, energy, attitude, and romantic backdrop. He is a world traveler, Reiki Master and teacher, certified advanced clinical Master Hypnotist, graduate of the Jose Silva Method/Life System, NYC Marathoner, and a bona fide "Guy's Guy" who somehow survived twenty years of single life in the big city. The Guys' Guy's Guide to Love is Robert's debut novel. He is currently working on his second book.

Reviews:

“Robert Manni has a message for his fellow men. You’ve got some catching up to do…His words of wisdom on that subject are woven throughout his first novel, ‘The Guys’ Guy’s Guide To Love’, which follows the lives of two New York men representing…the angel and the devil on every guy’s shoulder.” ~ The New York Post

“Prepare to man up and hunker down for this exuberant guided tour of the male sexual psyche.” ~ Ian Kerner, NY Times best-selling author of She Comes First and Love in the Time of Colic

If you’d like to enter for a chance to win the book, just include “The Guys’ Guy’s” in your comment. (I just like the repetition with the different, yet strategic, apostrophe placement.)

You must enter by Friday, January 13th for a chance to receive a hard copy or e-version of the book. The winner will be chosen via Random.org. Good luck!

* Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, I received this book free of charge from the publisher. Giveaways do not constitute product endorsements.

Juggling and jealousy

It's time to answer a reader’s question from Formspring!

Question: I like playing the field and your Rules of Juggling. I pretty much commit to one date a night but don't want to be jealous. At a big party how I can give a lady space to meet people without getting served by other guys trying to pick her up?

Answer: Interesting question! My thoughts are as follows:

1. Are you and the women you date open about the fact that you both date other people? There’s nothing wrong with playing the field as long as everyone is playing by the same rules. The problems with juggling usually arise when the parties aren’t all on the same page. When that occurs, one person typically wants more or perceives the relationship as more serious than the other.

2. Is there a concern that one of your dates would actually reciprocate the advances of another guy while you’re in the same room? At a large party or event, it’s normal for your date to greet others with a hug or kiss on the cheek. She will inevitably talk to other guys and might even smile for the camera with one of them. And, fortunately or unfortunately, people are going to flirt, especially when it’s unclear whether or not someone is attached.

One quality that separates a woman with whom you might not want to go out with again from one you do is how she deals with such advances. Very few people – male or female – will be comfortable watching a person that they are on a date with truly flirting with another person. Even fewer will be okay with their date exchanging information with another person when they’re in the same room. (A business card at a networking event is appropriate. Exchanging cell phone numbers with a guy who wants to go out with you when your date is in the same room isn't.)

That lack of tact might be commonplace in college, but beyond your early 20s, that will be perceived as disrespectful. (For those of you in your late teens to early 20s who don't tolerate that behavior, pat yourselves on the back for learning at an early age that you don’t have to play games.)

3. With respect to these large parties, it might be worth evaluating how much space you are giving your date. If most attendees at the party are her friends, then it’s normal and kind to allow her the time to mingle freely. If the party is comprised of people that you know well, but she doesn't, I might stick closer to her, unless she’s more extroverted

4. Since you enjoy playing the field, are you openly flirting with other women in front of your date? A good rule of thumb is to treat your date the way you wish to be treated. If you are comfortable picking up other girls at a large party with your date nearby, realize that she is entitled to do the same. She might end up flirting with other guys coincidentally or with the hope of making you jealous. As long as you both are being honest and not playing games, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Guys and girls at events will continue to try to pick each other up. But, if you are on a date, then I hope that you and your date are spending most of your time with each other and leaving together at the end of the night. Otherwise, it's not really a date ;).

Okay, readers, what tips and thoughts do you have for the man with the question? xoxo

2011 Wrap-Up

To paraphrase Charles Dickens, 2011 was the best of times and the worst of times for me.

Lessons I wish that I didn’t have to learn this past year:

That chemotherapy, the accompanying medications and low blood counts cause you to forget a lot of things that happened during treatment

That two people I considered close friends would belittle my cancer and judge how I handled it

That the hardest part of treatment is when it’s over because you don’t suddenly feel better – inside or out

That during menopause you: 1) are hot all the time; 2) can’t sleep well; 3) can’t get wet, even when you’re turned on; and 4) are moody and irritable

That Philly Matt not only didn’t have my back when the chips were down, but wasn’t an authentic friend or boyfriend

That not all charities and advocates are truly about the cause

That there was an expiration date to realizing that Best Boy was right about the fact that we'd be a good couple

That I have a long way to go before I look in the mirror and like what I see post-cancer

That the side effects from hormonal therapy for breast cancer can outweigh the benefits of taking the medication in the first place

That hearing about how great my short hair looks causes me to cringe because I didn't choose this

That far too many people have encountered the same feelings and reactions that I have during and after treatment

What I’m thankful for over the past year:

My amazing friends

Teaching, my students and my university. The joy I experience from teaching has been a huge unexpected blessing for me in 2011!

Not having to worry about a roof over my head, the clothes on my back, health insurance and food in my stomach

Best Boy and a dating life that's interesting without much drama

My doctors

My health

The comfort I get from my faith

Feeling like I’m doing just what I’m meant to do with respect to this site, my charitable endeavors and my advocacy work

Despite so many blessings, I can't wait to ring in 2012. I wish that I didn't learn so many hard lessons this year, but I know that in the long run, I'll look back on this year as one of huge personal and professional growth. For now, though, I can't wait for 2011 to be over, and I'm praying for a peaceful and healthy 2012.

I hope that you all have a wonderful New Year’s Eve and that 2012 brings you much for which to be thankful!!! xoxo

2011 in Haiku

Twenty Eleven
Started year in chemo haze
In my bed? Best Boy.

He said he loves me
But does that mean he’s in love?
Neither of us know.

Winter beach weekend
With close friend, ex Philly Matt
My Teddy Ruxpin!

Well, not anymore.
“Tsunami” ensues as beach.
Friendship is over.

Mr. Agency
Reappears. Then disappears.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

By April, he’s gone.
We are over now for good.
Yet become friends. Huh.

I date other guys.
But keep them all at arm’s length
Don’t feel any spark.

I let you all pick.
The choices rather lame, tho.
Drama-free dating.

Not much time for boys
(At least, new boys in my life.)
So happy. So busy.

Is heart spoken for?
Honestly? Maybe it is.
By Best Boy. For now.

No epic love tale
But we care for each other
Still makes me smile

Sometimes it does work
At other times, it doesn’t
Don't want the same things

So, I play the hand
I’m not yet ready to fold
Am I, “The Gambler?”

What will next year bring?
Hoping for more of the same
Without more cancer!

Third Blogiversary Thanks!

Today is the third anniversary of my blog.

In December of 2008, I was getting over Lawyer Boy, working on my thesis, and battling the side effects of repeated concussions. It seemed like the perfect time to finally write down my crazy dating and steamy sex stories. I blogged anonymously since I had planned to return to legal policy work. Back then, the majority of my readers were friends in real life.

In December of 2009, I recognized that I could turn heartbreak into blog gold by writing about the relationship debacle that was my time with "Buckeyes" Boy. Within six months, my readership had increased 10-fold, and I started realizing that my blog had turned into a brand. Could I write about sex and relationships and conduct workshops for a living?

In December of 2010, I had finished my fifth round of chemotherapy. I hadn't slept well in three months. I was on way too many medications, including steroids, and was in chemo-induced menopause. There wasn't much in my life at that time that was joyful, but I (somewhat thankfully) was too sick and out of it to care. I just wanted to get through treatment and wanted my life back. I did find moments of happiness when I used my experience to help educate others and when I received attention from either Mr. Agency or Best Boy.

This December, my blog is so much different than it was because I'm so much different than I was. This blog has changed me for the better. Cancer has changed me, too, and with respect to relationships, those changes are also for the better.

Have I made my share of mistakes over the past three years? Sure. But, I'm proud of myself for realizing that life provides enough drama for me all on its own. I don't need my relationships to provide anymore drama. My blog hits aren't as high as they were a year ago, and I'm 100% okay with that. My love life isn't a train wreck, and I don't make questionable choices anymore. A reader who enjoys going online to critcize others will be bored by my site now. A person who just visits this blog for entertainment purposes and doesn't want to hear about cancer or health advocacy will be similarly disillusioned.

I was talking to a group recently about my first book in the sex and relationships arena. I have enough posts to compile a book about my own dating adventures, but I don't know that I see myself going back. Do I really want to go to bookstores or college campuses and speak about my relationship mistakes or give added energy to guys who wronged me years prior? I won't say that will never happen, but it's just not my priority now.

I care about educating others. I care about talking about those topics that people don't often talk about — from anal to cancer to first orgasms to prioritizing our health to spicing up a stale relationship. I care about putting a face to cancer and letting people know that it's okay to date and have sex during a health crisis.

In the next month or two, my site will be redesigned to reflect the new direction. If you're still reading now, there will be more of the same, but the site will be easier to navigate. I'll also be linking my name to my brand more since I'm no longer anonymous. Stef Woods and City Girl Blogs are now one and the same.

For those of you who have read my blog faithfully, I thank you for standing by me after the train wreck has been cleaned up. I'm appreciative that so many of you out in the blogosphere have become my friends. You stuck by me through the highs and lows, and for that, I'll always be grateful. A special shout-out to Abby, Erika, Intrigue Me, Jean, Jo, Kat, Simone and Teacher Girl. I look forward to thanking you all in person some day soon!

With much appreciation from the bottom of my heart, a huge virtual hug, and best wishes for the happiest of holidays,

Stef

Orgasm Help

Nothing says, “Happy Holidays!” like answering a reader’s question from Formspring.

Question: I’ve never orgasmed, and I feel like every partner I’ve had takes personal offense to it. I want to learn how to reach that point, but nothing I try seems to work. I don’t get any pleasure from a man going down on me. I feel like I’m broken or something.

Answer: First and most importantly, you are not broken. Remind yourself of that often! Almost 1/3 of women never orgasm during sex. Unfortunately, there’s no tried and true playbook for reaching orgasm that works for every woman, but you might find some comfort and pleasure in any of the following recommendations:

Are you able to orgasm by yourself either clitorally or vaginally? Figuring out what you like on your own will allow you to feel more comfortable with your own body and orgasmic ability. Then, you can bring those techniques and preferences into the bedroom with your partner.

For self-exploration, I recommend that a woman spends some quality time with herself and by herself. You can start with a small toy and place it just on your clit — not inside. If you need to be relaxed first, do whatever gets you in the mood (music, wine, candles, chocolate, etc.). It’s your time to cater to you!

For starter toys, I recommend a bullet, the Lelo Nea or Mia, or the Fun Factory YOOO. You don’t need to go full force and buy a Hitachi wand for your first time, but the option is there.

It’s okay to set the stage or do anything to yourself that feels good. Rub your nipples, point your showerhead toward your pussy, lie on your bed and rub your pussy lips with your fingers. Open the top of the lips and place a finger or two directly on your clit. Continue to do whatever turns you on. It might take some time (15, 20 or even 30 minutes), but you don’t have to use a toy to experience an orgasm unless you want to.

Another option is when your clit is hard, place the tip of the bullet or small vibrator on your clit. If you like the comfort or warmth of a shower or bath, you can look for a waterproof bullet to bring in the shower with you. Once you’ve experienced an orgasm, you will know better how to guide your partner to help you achieve one. Another benefit of exploring yourself on your own first is that you won’t be afraid of or confused by the sensation. The mystery will be gone, and the pleasure will be all yours!

If you’re looking to achieve a G-Spot or vaginal orgasm, check out this post. The G-Spot, also known as the clitoral legs, can be elusive, but there are tips that can help you find and embrace it. The Smart Girls’ Guide to the G-Spot is a great book, and Fun Factory’s Smart Balls tighten the pelvic muscles to allow for increased orgasmic ability.

With respect to how to interact with your partner, I recommend being honest without being self-deprecating. Stress how you enjoy the intimacy of sex and accept that experiencing pleasure during sex doesn’t necessarily translate into reaching orgasm. Let your partner know that there’s nothing wrong with him or with you. If oral doesn’t stimulate you, help guide your partner toward the activities and motions that do. Use fingers, toys or positions to heighten your pleasure.

If you experience pain during sex, make an appointment with your doctor and ask for a referral to a specialist who deals with vaginal pain issues. An estimated 10% of women experience regular vaginal pain, which can make anything that contracts the pelvic muscles difficult to tolerate.

As with anything in the sex realm, try not to feel stressed or pressured about when you will orgasm. It will happen as it’s meant to.

Cancer Buddy vs. Cancer Bully

Are you a Cancer Buddy or a Cancer Bully?

What's a Cancer Bully?

I regard a Cancer Bully as anyone who belittles or is being judgmental about a patient's experience.

Examples include:

Talking about a person's condition behind his back without asking him how he is doing.

Making assumptions about a patient's ability or inability to work without talking to her about her limitations during surgical recuperation or treatment.

Joking about a patient's condition in front of her children.

Judging a patient for being out socially and laughing with loved ones.

Criticizing a patient's decision to go bald in public or be photographed without hair.

Comparing a patient's condition to another patient who might have had an easier time with recovery or treatment.

Letting mutual friends know that you won't attend an event if the patient is invited.

Saying that the experience is all in the patient's head or that he or she is being emotional.

Claiming that anyone would use a health condition to get attention.

Judging someone's experience with cancer based on the stage of diagnosis or their appearance.

Commenting about someone's weight during treatment.

I think it's also important to remember that much like high school, there are bullies and there are those who do not speak out against the bully. These are the enablers. We all have an obligation to let people know when comments and behavior are misinformed, cruel and unacceptable. If the bully's comments don't stop, then we need to remove ourselves from the conversation.

How can you be a Cancer Buddy? It's all about HALPing.

H: Health-Affirming: Good health is something that we take for granted, unless we don't have it. We can't put ourselves in someone else's shoes, but we can seek to validate another person's experience and be Helpful in our attitude and actions.
A: Asking how the person is doing.
L: Listening to the person sincerely.
P: Pitching in as your interest, schedule and location permit. Realize that small gestures such as texts, cards, offering a ride or dropping off cookies matter. More examples of showing support to a loved one during a health crisis can be found here.

People, especially women, have been subjected to belittling and judgmental reactions towards their physical, developmental and mental health issues for centuries.

Have you been on the receiving end (either directly or indirectly) of a Health Bully? How have you handled it?