Have you ever wanted to know more about an intrauterine device, the birth control method known as an IUD?
If so, check out my video about IUDs for Health Central.
If an IUD might be the right birth control method for you or your partner, I encourage you to check with your doctor or health care professional.
The Internet is a large, open space where everyone has the ability to voice his or her opinion. What happens when that opinion is in support of abuse? A blog post last year addressed the hashtag that began trending on Twitter: #reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend (Gruber). Twitter says, "the # symbol, called a hashtag, is used to mark keywords or topics in a Tweet. It was created organically by Twitter users as a way to categorize messages" (“What Are Hashtags”). For victims of domestic violence, a hashtag like this could not only serve as a trigger, but it normalizes violence against women. The blog article asks its readers if Twitter should remove hashtags that imply violence: 60% said yes, 30% said no, with 10% saying it depends on who the violence is aimed towards (Gruber).
In response to this hashtag, an online petition was started. The petition states, "this weekend, the hashtag ‘#reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend’ became the world’s number one ‘trending topic’ on Twitter. Thousands of users submitted reasons domestic violence would be acceptable including ‘dinner’s not ready’ and ‘she distracts you from watching television’” (“Tell Twitter”). The petition argues that Twitter bans hashtags that include curse words in them, and therefore, a topic that promotes abuse and violence should not be allowed on Twitter either (“Tell Twitter”). The petition had a goal of 10,000 signatures, and as of April 17th 2012, it had 8,784 signatures (“Tell Twitter”).
Of course this topic brings up the question of first amendment rights and free speech. One article argues, however, “Twitter’s policy states that ‘if you don’t like a topic, don’t read about it.’ Easier said than done when the topic in question is on the right side of every page, staring you in the face” (Aumiller). Especially for those who are personally affected by domestic violence, having such violence encouraged on a social media platform can be especially damaging. I think something like this is damaging for other populations as well. It teaches young women that they are not worth respecting, and it teaches young men that they have the right to say what they want about women, regardless of what kind of violence or disrespect that implies.
***
When I read the above blog post, written by my Sexuality and Social Media student, Dani Nispel, I was incensed. I recalled the Tweets during the 2012 Grammys, in which women claimed that they would let Chris Brown beat them any day. In my opinion, a person's right to expression on Twitter should not override a person's human right to a life free of violence. Allowing Tweets to trend that normalize domestic violence should not be allowed. Twitter regulates trending topics and bans Tweets that contain obscenities or are regarded as spam. Tweets glorifying violence of any kind should be similarly prohibited.
If you feel the same as I do, I hope you'll consider signing the online petition to "Tell Twitter: Domestic Violence Is Not A Joke."
If you're interested in reading more about the intersection of domestic violence and technology, I highly recommend that you check out Dani's blog. As she details in her project proposal,
There are harmful risks such as stalking, spyware, and information sharing, and these may or may not be offset by the improvement of resources made available to allow individuals to get help. Technology has expanded the resources to help victims, but it has also allowed perpetrators to use technology to further their abuse.
Thank you, Dani, for writing about this important topic and bringing this issue to our attention. As someone who has worked with domestic violence victims in the past, you've inspired me to think about what more I can do in the future.
Thank you to everyone for the outpouring of support over the past week!!!
I'm recouping well from my double mastectomies, and I'm thrilled to report that the surgery was infinitely easier on my body than chemotherapy. (Excuse me while I knock on wood in the hopes that my recuperation will continue as such.)
Earlier this month, I did a series of videos for BreastCancerAnswers.com. This video addresses how to process your emotions after being diagnosed with an illness such as breast cancer.
Do you have any advice to share with others?
My mastectomy surgery is in two days. How do I feel about that?
Supported — in every sense of the word.
A huge thank you to my friend and photojournalist, Moshe Zusman, for the concept, execution, and letting me be a part of this shoot!
what i want to do is write, with my face very close to the page, carefully carving out the lines that will tell you what i’m discovering. and then i want to sing you those lines. the ones that fell out of my pen when i tried to do something academic. so here it is. jumbled but honest, just the same.
about a year ago i discovered the internet. well, i knew about the internet. aim turned into msn turned into yahoo and askjeeves and google to myspace to facebook to gmail to youtube to youporn to hulu. i knew about the world wide web. but a year ago, when i was lost in a mess of my own sexuality and dependency and confused, emotional, political, gray space, i started a blog. on tumblr. an extremely quiet blog without my name or my photo and rarely an original thought. and then i slowly began to make my way into the queerest, most liberating, strange space i had ever known. i spent hours a day, scrolling through photos of outfits and landscapes, tent forts and tattoos and fancy cappuccinos. and videos of people’s girlfriends and boyfriends and boifriends and grrrlfriends and kittens and questions and do it yourself beanbag instructions and kitchen herb gardens and hormone updates and advice on everything under the sun. and there was humor and pain and people wrote about their feelings and their breakups and i wrote about my feelings and my breakup. and there was gender. and sexuality. and so. much. fucking. gender. more than i had ever seen. there were boys and women and girls, men, butches, femmes, bears, twinks, androgynes, genderqueer and genderfucked and genderfluid, mtf, ftm, mtftm, ftmtwtf, transmen, transwomen, transfags and dykes and queers and birls and fairies and bdsm and softbutchgrrlylesbois and gays and bis and trans* folks and polyamorous, pansexual, transsexual, omnisexual, demisexual, asexual, all sexual porn. and stories and pictures and names and pronouns and questions and answers and everything in between the certain and the totally fucking uncertain. and it was all right there. on my computer. on tumblr. on youtube. right there behind my screen. and i was on the outside—safely out of reach. safely anonymous, safely in denial, dangerously curious. they inspired me. they confused me. they lit up a sexy little fire in the pit of my stomach that i called…intellectual curiosity. academic interest. research. that’s valid. that’s understandable. that’s safe. something i would later come to realize was kinship. a very painful perfect, deep—rooted secret connection. i had found the frayed end of a rope and i wanted to follow it. but it took me a while to figure out that the anchor on the other end was me.
***
This post was written by one of my Sexuality and Social Media students, Maggie Campbell. The beauty of her words inspire me.
For her class project, Maggie explored the following:
What meanings do trans* and genderqueer folks find in online communities? How is social identity formed through collective association with content? Communities created on sites like Tumblr and Youtube operate within frames that determine aspects of reality for the individual and the group. My guess is that these communities provide folks the opportunity to share knowledge and experiences, create solidarity, access sexual images that reflect their bodies and identities, and explore gender fluidity.
The way I see it, the possibilities for expression of gender and sexual identities in the context of queer online space are expanded far beyond that of performance in public, or even private, offline space—an already transformative and dynamic experience is now situated within an equally malleable platform.
Join me in finding out what Maggie discovered on WordPress and Tumblr. You can also follow her on Twitter. I don't know where the future will take Maggie after she graduates, but as a card-carrying member of her fan club, I can't wait to find out!
The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin
I write because I love doing so. I write to process my feelings. I write to make others laugh, cringe or think. I write to educate. And, thanks to the reach of the blogosphere, I write as a way to communicate with friends from all stages of my life and receive support from others.
The compassion and strength you all showed in your comments last week meant so much to me. Processing the emotions surrounding my upcoming mastectomies isn’t linear. Most times, I’m comfortable with my decision, and my emotions are calm. Other times, though, I’m edgy, angry and sad. I wrote last week’s post about my surgery when all those emotions were coming to a head. You got that and were able to offer support without judgment or platitudes. Thank you!
In my pre-op appointment with the reconstructive surgeon last week, she informed me that she won’t be taking my back muscle and tissue during this surgery. That’s very good news! I’ll be out of the hospital in a night or two. I hopefully will be able to sleep on my back, and I won’t need as much physical therapy. (There’s a slight chance that the surgeon might need to take from my back muscle during reconstruction, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.)
Over the past two weeks, I’ve lined up care from home nurses, dog walkers and friends. Given my health history, I can’t predict how my body will react after surgery, but I can take control of certain elements. (For those of you who might be wondering, my best friend will be with me at the hospital, but The Man insisted on joining us. Yes, he's a good guy.)
I’m sure I’ll be writing more about surgery in the coming week, but for now, I’m able to focus on my blessings. I keep reminding myself of the reasons why this is the recommended course of action for me. I close my eyes, exhale and think of myself a few years from now, hugging my daughter with my long ponytail blowing in the breeze.
Why do you write?
What constitutes cheating?
That question might seem like a simple one, but in reality, the issue is far more complex.
Is an emotional affair cheating? A kiss? Flirtations via text or email that never amount to any in-person interaction?
The answers to these questions are subjective. If you’re in a relationship, especially in the age of social media, it’s worth communicating with your partner to set ground rules. What are acceptable interactions with others, and what isn’t? How do you both define cheating and unfaithful behavior?
Brittany Horowitz, one of my Sexuality and Social Media students, has been exploring whether social media and the Internet has changed how people define infidelity. She writes in this post about anonymity:
With the Internet being used as an outlet for sexual activity, it is interesting to look at the behavior taking place and decide if it can be considered infidelity. With cybersex, actual sexual behavior is not taking place in person. People are not physically touching one another, rather they are describing sexual acts to one another. However, some might argue that cybersex and other sexual behavior online can be considered detrimental to a relationship because it can qualify as emotional infidelity.
She also cites a study regarding online infidelity, in which authors Henline, Lamke and Howard state:
“Participants in this study included chatting with random people, keeping secrets from your partner, showing yourself to the online contact, and betraying the confidence of your partner in their descriptions of what should be considered unfaithful behaviors in a committed relationship” (123).
I was surprised to read that infidelity is no longer the number one cause for divorce. Why do people stay after one partner’s unfaithful behavior has been exposed?
According to Jill Brooke, people stay because of “[a] fear of loneliness. A fear of change. A dread of dismantling a family that you spent a lifetime constructing and having your children ping pong between two residences during holidays. There’s also a comfort in the rhythm of family life, the carpooling, the grocery shopping for more than one, the weekday nights eating at the oak table with your old wedding china.”
Read more of Brittany’s findings on the subject here.
How do you define cheating? Would you stay – or have you stayed — if a partner cheated on you?
Question: I've never used an adult toy before, but lately, I've found myself wanting to try one. I mentioned the idea to my husband, and he got pretty offended by the suggestion. I asked him, "Why?" and he just told me that I'm married so I shouldn't need any toys. What should I do?
I posed this question to readers and Facebook followers, and received some great responses!
Susan questioned the husband's reasoning, writing, “It all comes down to why he 'doesn't like the idea,' yes? My best advice would be for them to go together to one of the classes that a local enlightened toy store holds and open up the discussion. If his unwillingness to 'allow' his wife to experiment with what feels good to her is because he's closed-minded, I'm not sure what to say.”
And, Teacher Girl suggested the following:
I would just buy one anyway and start using it on your own when he isn't around to learn what you like. Then, when you know and you are comfortable, invite him to watch you use the toy one day. I am sure he will be so turned on that he will learn that toys are not the enemy!
How would I tackle the situation?
1. Decide if you’re interested in using a toy by yourself or with your partner. If it’s for your own personal use, follow Teacher Girl’s advice. You can determine if and how you like the toy and if and when to invite your partner into the mix.
2. Communicate openly with your husband about why you want to try a toy and what his concerns are. In a recent study by Indiana University, research indicated that approximately half of those men and women surveyed had used a vibrator with their partner. It’s perfectly normal to want to experiment with sex toys, and it’s perfectly normal not to. (As with all intimate communication, broach this discussion at a time when both of you aren’t feeling rushed and there’s no expectation of sex.)
3. Figure out what your husband’s concerns are and if it’s possible to assuage his fears. At times, couples just need to agree to disagree. Your first toy might end up being something that you use discreetly by yourself. Or, there can be a meeting of the…let’s go with minds. Impress upon your husband that toys aren’t a substitute for sex or intimacy. Your interest in a vibrator doesn’t mean that you don’t want to have sex or that he doesn’t excite you. Rather, you hope that using a toy will make your sex life even better by increasing your pleasure and his!
4. Pick the right toy for you. Check out good recommendations for beginners. If you’ll be using a toy with your husband, find a toy that isn’t intimidating or phallic looking like the Lelo Siri. Then introduce it for a few minutes into your bedroom routine. You can also purchase a toy that’s intended for couple’s use like the Lelo Tor or Fun Factory Smart Balls. Another option is Teacher Girl’s idea to invite your husband to watch you pleasure yourself. If you're not sure what to buy or how to use the toys, follow Susan's advice and check out a sex-positive boutique or website!
I hope that with some communication and creativity, you and your husband figure out that you are both fans of sex toys in the bedroom. Keep me posted!
So, readers, what suggestions do you have? Did I miss anything?
As the youngest in my class in 5th grade, I watched a few of my friends get their first bras. One afternoon, I stuffed tissues down my shirt and giggled with my friends about what I would look like with boobs.
In 7th grade, I missed over a month of school due to health issues. When I returned to a reduced schedule, I was 5’3” and 75 pounds.
In 9th grade, I started filling out. I went from wearing a training bra to a C-cup seemingly overnight. I wasn't self-conscious about my curves, but I didn't fit in socially either.
When I moved overseas in my sophomore year in high school, I vowed to reinvent myself. My braces were off, my hair was longer, and I began to embrace my body. I wanted attention from the boys and invites to all the parties, and that’s exactly what I got!
Through that time, I began to associate my boobs and long hair with my power and sexuality. As my breast got bigger and bigger and my hair got longer and longer, that increased exponentially.
I wear between a 34F and a 34G bra right now. I am very attached to my tits. (If I could write that sentence 500 times in all capitals and bold letters, it still wouldn’t do my attachment justice.)
When I come to after surgery on April 25th, I will be an A-cup for the first time in 26 years.
I an angry at cancer.
I'm disappointed that I’m not eligible for immediate reconstruction.
I am sad that I have to go through this all without my mom. (She passed away from cancer in 1997.)
I am heartbroken that through chemotherapy and this upcoming surgery, I will have lost the physical attributes that I’m most attached to. My hair and my tits were my signatures. Cancer will have taken both of them from me.
I’m slightly concerned that even after mastectomies, I will still have a 5% chance of developing breast cancer in the left breast and 12% in the right breast.
And, I’m very disappointed that so much misinformation is out there for women wanting to learn about the process.
Do I have faith that I will get through this experience? Of course.
Will I live my life as though cancer is never returning? Yes.
Do I take comfort in making this experience about more than just me? Definitely.
Do I stress less, cry less and put up with less crap than I did before cancer? Sure.
Do I laugh less than I did before cancer? Yes…unfortunately.
Do I know that my worth and my identity are more than the sum of my physical parts? Deep down, I do.
Do I look forward to the day when this experience is a distant memory? Every. Single. Day.
What are you attached to?
The vows of abstinence break far more than latex — Dr. Joycelyn Elders.
These powerful words from the closing keynote at last week’s Momentum Conference on Sexuality, Feminism and Relationships are still resonating with me. Dr. Elders joined fellow panelists and sexual educators Lara Riscol and Esther Perel to speak about Sex in America: Changing the Conversation between Smut and Sanctimony. The highlights on Storify are available here.
A fair amount of the session addressed the need for comprehensive sex education throughout the lifespan. Dr. Elders also commented that:
The best contraception is a good education.
The panel’s focus on sex education reminded me of one of my Sexuality and Social Media students’ projects. Demi is writing about whether sex should be discussed in the classroom. Specifically, she's exploring the conversation of sex education in schools and examining age appropriate health class discussions, contraception accessibility, and the teacher-student relationship in the classroom. She also is summarizing the sex education debate and concluding to what extent sexuality should be incorporated into the academic curriculum.
Demi has looked at reports about sex education in schools in the US, and the statistics are interesting to say the least. According to the National Conference of State Legislatures:
• 37 states require school districts to allow parental involvement in sexual education programs;
• Three states require parental consent before a child can receive instruction;
• 35 states and the District of Columbia allow parents to opt-out on behalf of their children;
• 21 states and the District of Columbia require public schools to teach sex education (including HIV education);
• 35 states and the District of Columbia require students receive instruction about STIs and HIV/AIDS; and
• 17 states require sex education curricula to be medically accurate and/or age appropriate. State policies vary in their determination of “medically accurate;” some require that state health departments review curricula, while others require that the facts taught come from “published authorities upon which medical professionals rely.”
I find it fascinating that so many legislatures and parents in this day and age still question the necessity of sex education. As Dr. Elders and so many other sex educators opine, sex education should occur from kindergarten through 12th grade. I look forward to reading more about Demi's findings.
What type of sex education, if any, did you receive? Did any of the above statistics surprise you?